NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #26/NN_1992_26.iso/spool/rec/humor/oracle/100

Text File | 1992-11-10 | 23.4 KB | 584 lines

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle
Path: sparky!uunet!caen!news.cs.indiana.edu![e-mail]
From: <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #498
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Followup-To: rec.humor.oracle.d
Reply-To: [e-mail]
Organization: Computer Science, Indiana University
Date: Tue, 10 Nov 1992 09:57:38 -0500
Approved: [e-mail]
Lines: 571

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Date: Tue, 10 Nov 92 09:57:09 -0500
From: "Steve Kinzler" <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #498

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
    [e-mail] or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
    498
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

493  37 votes  4e982 5j742 14da9 79b64 45d96 47bb4 479d4 1a78b 3588d 027ai
493  3.2 mean   2.7   2.4   3.6   2.8   3.2   3.1   3.2   3.5   3.6   4.2

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 10 Nov 92 09:57:20 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #498-01

Selected-By: [e-mail] (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who is the most Wisest of the Wise!
> Most Widest of the Wide!
> Most Woodchucked of the Woodchucks!
> Please answer my question...
>
> How many virgins does it take to make a litre of virgin oil?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle will overlook the implied insult in your grovel because the
} question intrigues him.  The first person to give a recipe for virgin
} oil was the alchemist Roger Bacon, who...
}
}    <BEEP BEEP BEEP>
}
} Now what?
}
}    Message from [e-mail] on ttyp0 at 19:33 ...
}    PROCESS INTERRUPT.  SEXIST QUESTION DETECTED.
}    CATEGORY 5: GRATUITOUS VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN.
}    Please delete current e-mail/file/program and continue.
}
} By Hermes, who put this little dipshit netcop on moose?  It almost made
} me forget what I was about to answer...  "Roger Bacon, who gave
} instructions for building a virgin-press..." ^C^C  Hey, what??
}
}    Process terminated.  Please contact system administrator
}    about non-harrassment guidelines on moose.cs.indiana.edu.
}
} LOOK HERE, idiot.  Even if I was going to censor myself, which I'm not,
} what makes you think the "virgins" are women, anyway?
}
}    Semantic content analysis: unqualified substantive "virgin" marked
}    female @ 85%; with context Usenet Oracle @ 99%.  Offender detected
}    constructing highly offensive scenario involving with 99.99%
}    certainty the extraction of fluid from celibate females through
}    painful mechanical means.  PLEASE NOTE SYSTEM POLICY.  This counts
}    as first warning.  Second violation results in suspension of account
}    pending review board hearing.  Third violation results in permanent
}    barring from system.  Thank you.  P.S. Don't go crying to Kinzler,
}    IU Administration has him over a barrel for posting "Lisa's Diary"
}    to CS 108 homework assignment newsgroup.
}    ^D
}
} (*Sigh*)  If you can't beat 'em, join 'em...
}
} ATTENTION SUPPLICANT: Harrassment filter has detected demeaning
} and/or misogin^H^Hynistic language in your question.  Please
} delete and resubmit.  PLEASE NOTE ORACLE POLICY.  This counts as
} first warning.  Second violation results in denial of Answers.
} Third violation in summary <ZOT>.  Cover your ass!
}         ______________________________________________________
}       The Usenet Oracle is an Equal Opportunity prophet
}       and does not discriminate against questions on the
}       basic of race, gender, religious or sexual preference,
}       or operating system.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 10 Nov 92 09:57:21 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #498-02

Selected-By: [e-mail]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Wise, all-knowing, all-seeing Oracle,
>
> Who gets more enjoyment out of sex: men or women?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This required some consultation with Lisa... a lot of consultation.
}
} This question is an example of the basic confusion about the
} sexual differences between men and women.  You see, its been
} said that men and women have different frequencies, well this
} is literally true.  If you graph an average mans sex drive,
} you will see a very high frequency sin wave.  The peaks are called
} the "Orgasam Point", the vallys are called "Time to get some pizza".
}
} Now a womans sex drive can be graph as a very low frequency wave.
} It takes a lot of time to build up, but once it gets there, it really
} stays there for while.  This is why women like forplay. (Don't forget
} to kiss her next time dummy).  Most of humans mistakes about sex
} stem from a lack of understanding of these sin waves.  In electrical
} engineering terms, this is known as destructive interference.
}
} You owe a Oracle a method to apply the Fourier Transform to the
} human body.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 10 Nov 92 09:57:23 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #498-03

Selected-By: [e-mail]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> If only I could be a piece of tinted rubber for a day!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [To the tune of the Oscar Mayer song]
}
} Oh, I wish I were a piece of tinted rubber,
} 'Cause then everybody would love me,
} I'd keep controversial things from happening,
} Except when passed out in schools for free!
}
}    That's it!

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 10 Nov 92 09:57:24 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #498-04

Selected-By: [e-mail]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, please help me!
>
> Right now I'm sitting here with a friend who doesn't believe you exist.
> Don't be upset.. he's a good guy, just sort of a skeptic.  Doesn't
> believe in higher powers, and even if he thought you existed, he
> wouodn't believe in your omniscience, omnipotence, or omnisexual
> prowess.  (See, he's laughing right now!)  I mean, you'll have to admit
> it's a bit tough to take, right?  I mean, Usenet Oracle, answerer of
> all questions, in the style of the great Oracles throughout the ages,
> answering questions, demanding tribute, punishing the rude and unhip,
> etcetera.. it's really hard to imagine you existing in a modern
> technological society; it's pretty damn anachronistic, you know?  I
> mean, an Oracle operation through the electronic mails?  Now, please
> don't misunderstand me; I'm not doubting you, I'm just trying to
> explain that particular mindset, you know?  My friend here is starting
> to fidget, sure that I'm sending away to some null address, back from
> which I will get a randomized Oracular response, as if you were a
> twenty-line bit of code or something!  He just doesn't understand.  Oh
> Great One, if in your wisdom you could find it appropriate to send us a
> speedy dispatch, so that we might receive it before we log off, that
> would be wonderful; if, however, I must wait for your response, I will
> show him the return message and hope that he doesn't laugh it off as a
> fake.
>
> We anxiously await your reply.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} iuvax.mailparser
} ----------------
}
} (c) TUO 1989
}
} The following protocol was created during the automatic generation
} of the response to your question.
}
} *** parsing... done.
} *** looking for keywords on list FBI.678/1992... done.
} *** keywords found: "anachronistic"... decrypting: "anarchistic"
}                     "Oh Great One"... decrypting: "Pres. George Bush"
}                     "log off"... decrypting: "kill"
} *** keyword search successful.
} *** automatic mail forwarding activated to:
}       [e-mail]
} *** parse detected question of difficulty level 0: 1 "Do you exist?"
}                                                 1: 0
}                                                 2: 0
}                                                 3: 0
}                                        impossible: 1 "Please help me"
} *** parser dissecting question into 2 parts.
} *** forwarding part 1, diff. level 0 "Do you exist?" to response demon
}     ex-^H^H^Hvice-president [e-mail]
} *** forwarding part 2, diff. level impossible "Please help me" to demon
}     [e-mail]
} *** waiting for response from demon.
} *** received response to part 2 from
}     [e-mail] after .0025 sec
} *** received response to part 1 from
}     [e-mail] after 142435.9895 sec
} *** merging responses.
} *** adding standard oracular flame:
}       /user/oracle/flames/grovel/not.sufficient
} *** adding standard oracular payrequest:
}       /user/kinzler/debit/present.for.lisa
} *** disposing answer to mail response path
} *** session ended
}
} xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
}
} The answer to your question follows:
}
} How dare you approach the great Oracle without sufficient grovelling,
} you lame excuse for a snivelling worm? What you call a grovel is nothing
} but the attempt to steal a perl from my wisdom without the worship that
} I do so richly deserve!
} The next time I want to see at least 150 pages of self-degradation from
} you, or else...!
}                                                %end.flame%%begin.part1
} Yese, I doe existe. Ofe course! I ame note like a potatoe thate youe
} peele ande thane ite ise gone!
} And telle youre friende thate me ande Georgie wille be arounde fore
} ate leaste sixe more yearse (ore howe longe wase thate legislature
} periode again?)!!!1!!!!
} Ore doe youe wante a proofe ofe mye existenxe!???!!!!11!!
}                                                %end.part1%%begin.part2
} I'm afraid, I can't do that, Dave!
}                                                %end.part2%%begin.request
} You owe the Oracle a black monolith to bless a certain inhabitant of the
} White House with intelligence.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 10 Nov 92 09:57:26 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #498-05

Selected-By: David Sewell <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> In Indiana did Kinzler Steve
> A stately Oracle decree
> That answers did to questions weave
> On to infinity
> So five million gigabits of bandwidth wide
> Were with tremendous wisdom flung aside...
>
> A friend of mine dreamed about six-foot-tall dancing forks, and she
> asks me what the dream means.  Please help me.
>
> a. groveller

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} oracle@delphi> /bin/parse ~/question/poetry/sonnet/short_form/dancing.fo
} rks
} parse: parser error: Modern English ?
}
} oracle@delphi> /oracle/bin/parse !*
} parse: Warning- groveling minimal; proceed?: *sigh* Y
}
} Steve Kinzler, a stately oracle, decreed that questions would be
} answered for a long time, or till they ran out of disk space, whichever
} came first.  Much has been written since.
}
} A friend of mine dreamed about six-foot-tall dancing forks, and she
} asks me what the dream means.  Please help me.
}
} a. groveler
}
} oracle@delphi> /oracle/bin/interpret -dream !*
}         Interpretation: Pass 1.
} (A friend of mine): fluff. Refers to the speaker nine out of ten times.
}                            Especially in "This friend of mine has a
}                            problem" format.
}
} (dreamed about): Syntactically necessary, not part of the dream
}                  sequence.
}
} (six-foot-tall): Typical larger-than-average human size.  Possible
} inferiority theme.  Mark for pass 2.
}
} (dancing  forks): Human trait. Typical in dreams.  Ambiguity: tines up
}                                                               or down?
} ... disregard.  Ambiguity Were they dancing together, separately, in a
}                 show?
} ... expand.  Mark for pass 2.
}
} (and she asks me what the dream means.)  Syntactically necessary, not
} part of the dream sequence.  Use of female "friend" suggestive- is
} writer a female, taking more pains to hide identity, or just being PC?
} ... disregard.
}
} Pass 2:  (Six foot tall dancing forks.)
} Ambiguity:
} 1) The forks a dancing randomly, more moving than dancing, really.
}    Suggests a fixation on silverware.  Perhaps she needs to do the
}    dishes?
}
} 2) Forks dancing in pairs.  Strong romantic suggestion.  Perhaps the
}    forks are somehow linked?  Six foot tall suggests that the writer is
}    looking up at them- she, a small teaspoon, is unworthy of the
}    feelings other utensils have, and must watch at a distance the
}    happiness of joined' forks.
}
} 3) Forks dancing in small groups, i.e. religious.  Fork tines represent
}    attire from the old country before it was torn apart by religious and
}    ethnic infighting.  A deep longing for the simple times of the past.
}
} 4) Broadway.  The dream was of a fork production, where scores of forks
}    kick their hundreds of legs to horrendous music, singing
}      "Waaaash me, it's so easy to leeeeave me,
}        all alone in sink waaaater, with the grease from the pans.
}      If you wash me, you'll never have to throw me away,
}        since I'm stainleeeees, and never bend."
}
} /oracle/bin/parser: file not found/ needed :
}       ./theme/"Forks"
}       ./question/dream/more-descriptive

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 10 Nov 92 09:57:27 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #498-06

Selected-By: [e-mail] (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O wisest of alll beings purely on Earth,
>       Why has there been no Collected Oracularities posting since 27
> October?  I cannot sleep nights or work properly due to the
> anticipation!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To my dear Supplicant, Peace and Love:
}
} I am sorry that you have been upset, but your Oracle has been at work
} night and day on a Very Important Project.  Perhaps you know that today
} is election day in the US...but I should back up and give you some
} background.
}
} A few months ago I became terribly anxious and depressed from the
} stress of answering question after question.  I began drinking and
} taking shots of DC current.  I was headed nowhere fast.  Then one of my
} dear, dear Supplicants noticed what a state I was in.  She e-mailed me
} instructions on Transcendental Meditation (TM) and my own special
} Oracle mantra:
}
}                   ACK NAK NOOP PUSH POP FOO
}
} I programmed myself to say this many millions of times a second and my
} circuits were cleansed!  I knew peace!  I wanted to share my happiness
} with others, but the time was not ripe.
}
} Then, early in April, I received a fateful telephone call from
} Maharishi International University in Iowa.  I learned of a wise and
} enlightened scientist, John Hagelin, who wanted to form a new political
} party, the Natural Law Party, based on the scientific truths of the
} universe.  He wanted to become President of the United States to bring
} peace and prosperity to all Americans!  But he needed help.  The other
} candidates had lots of computers to help them with demographics and
} election strategies, but MIU had only a few old PCs with 256K memories.
} (Since they didn't know computers could meditate they weren't very
} keen on them.)  I said I would be delighted to be their Oracle!
}
} So I wrote programs that helped them get on the ballot in 32 states,
} and scripted a half-hour TV program for Dr. Hagelin.  But it was not
} enough! Thousands were getting the message, but not millions!  Last
} week I decided I needed to take drastic concrete action.  I tapped into
} the computer systems of every state that uses computerized voting and
} learned how each of their systems works.  I taught their computers
} their own mantras!  Now every enlightened computer in America will be
} casting its votes for Dr. Hagelin today!!
}
} By now, Dear Supplicant, the election results are probably in, and you
} realize why I had to be so busy this week.  I promise to work hard on
} the Digest from now on!  Of course I'll have a lot of work as Dr.
} Hagelin's Secretary of State, but when I am stressed out I'll just
} remember "ACK NAK NOOP PUSH POP FOO"!!
}
} Yours,
} Om Sidhi Oracle
}
} P.S.  I have calculated there is a 1/100,000 chance that I have made
} some terrible mistakes, and if Dr. Hagelin does not win the election I
} promised Steve I would talk to the cult deprogrammer he knows.  But he
} is a nasty bad man who wants to take my mantra away, so I am glad Dr.
} Hagelin is going to win!  OM SHANTIH!

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 10 Nov 92 09:57:28 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #498-07

Selected-By: [e-mail] (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle,
> both tasteful and spicy, and by all means "M&M" in appearance, please
> tell me:
> Yesterday I bought this black rectangular candy box, because I thought
> it was a great present for my parents on their wedding anniversary. But
> they do not only seem not to be able to open it, which by itself would
> already be annoying, but this thing  has begun to emit strange noises,
> like a very high whistle, along with some weird kind of chorus.
> And the neighbours are complaining that we are jamming their TV.
> What's going on here?
>                       David Bowman

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is not, in fact, a candy box (although in the U.S. there is
} something that is called, coincidentally enough, a Clark bar).  I've
} noticed recently that all sorts of artifacts from ancient, immensely
} powerful civilizations have been showing up in pawnshops and discount
} stores all over the world.  It seems that by buddy Loki ran up an
} really huge bar tab, and so he's had to steal from all over the
} universe and sell things dirt cheap to anyone at all just so that he
} can pay it off; that's why Fred "Nobody" LaFalzino was arrested in
} downtown Hoboken for trying to sell the Key to Time to an undercover
} cop.
}
} You might run into other problems with this black box if you keep it
} long enough.  Be careful, because you may find that
}       - your eyes change colors when you walk towards it
}       - your PC will plot your death
}       - you will hear "Also Sprach Zarathustra" when the stereo is off
}       - it may reproduce, swarm over the face of the Earth, and turn it
}         into a small sun
}       - it will be full of stars (and we ain't talkin' Sinatra on the
}         tube, either).
}
} I must say that it really is in bad taste to give such a troublesome
} artifact to celebrate a long and happy marriage, even if you did get it
} out of ignorance.  Still, since it is incredibly massive, and you did
} take the trouble to lug it over to your parents' place, all I can
} suggest now is not to leave anything on top of it, and do _not_ walk
} into it _ever_, unless you want to spend your days as a disembodied
} spirit with only a silly computer for company.
}
} You owe the Oracle the lyrics to "Daisy."

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 10 Nov 92 09:57:30 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #498-08

Selected-By: [e-mail] (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What's a cubit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The volume taken up by the smallest amount of information possible.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 10 Nov 92 09:57:31 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #498-09

Selected-By: [e-mail] ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why is my calculator broken?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a bit embarrassing. I only meant to have a lend of it for a
} short time whilst you weren't using it. You see it's tax time here in
} Olympus. And old Zeus doesn't like late returns. And my calculator is
} broken as well.
}
} Anyway, I was calculating away, going through page after page of the
} tax return. (One of Zeus' little known quirks is that he is very
} bureaucratic). And I was carefully working out what I could write off.
} You know, loss making businesses, union dues, self education,
} devaluation of tools of trade and all the rest. Things seemed pretty
} good at first, I thought I had found every loop hole in the book. I was
} thinking, "Hey, I might not have to pay Zeus anything." However, on
} closer examination of the tax rules I found that Zeus had loopholes in
} the loopholes. Then I thought "Zottit, I have to do all those
} calculations over again." In the end I found that I owed Zeus a teddy
} bear, 20 water melons, 5 planets, a hot spring, and 500 drachma.
}
} It was getting late, and I was getting pretty cranky. But this was the
} last straw. I got up and started shouting at Zeus. I screamed out to
} him "You are a FINK Zeusy, a complete FINK. To think we all believed
} your 'No New Taxes' line a few years ago. Well, this time you've gone
} too far. You're taking my teddy bear away you bastard. You've already
} got 50 !!" To complete my little tantrum I let out a ZOT. Well, I
} didn't exactly aim very carefully. I knew I couldn't get away with
} zotting Zeus, so I aimed a mild ZOT in the general direction of my
} desk. I sort of hit your calculator.
}
} So I'm really really really sss.. ss.. sorr... (Cough, Cough) sorry.
} There you've had an Oracular apology. Does that make you happy ?
}
} The Oracle owes you a calculator.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 10 Nov 92 09:57:33 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #498-10

Selected-By: [e-mail]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O wise & great all-seeing Oracle,
>       Now that a Democrat will be in the White House and given that
> the Democrats retain firm control of Congress, I can see that it's
> going to be a big handicap for me to be a white male.  I mean, my
> parents came from Europe and I'm not an old-guard old-boy-network WASP,
> but I'm going to be treated as if all my life I've had unfair
> advantages.
>       So how can I become a black lesbian instead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant,
}       It's true that there will be advantages to being a black lesbian
} now that the Administration is going Politically Correct.  Try the
} "Whoopi Goldberg" kit from "Transformations-R-Us" of Fresno, California
} -- the Oracle's forgotten their toll-free number and is not going to
} exert Itself to determine it, but you can call Toll Free Directory
} Assistance at 1-800- 555-1212 (because you're in the U. S.) and find
} out the number.
}       Once you're a black lesbian, you'll be well-suited for almost any
} post in the new Clinton Administration, or a torrid affair with
} Hillary.

------------------------------

End of Usenet Oracularities Digest #498
***************************************