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- Win98 error 001: Unexpected condition: booted without crashing.
- %
- Win98 error 002: Insufficient diskspace. You need at least 300 GB free memory.
- %
- Win98 error 003: Illegal ASM instruction. If your modem worked properly, the
- FBI would have been called.
- %
- Win NT error 001: Error recording error codes. All further errors not
- displayed.
- %
- Win98 error 004: Virus activated from DOS Prompt - but the virus requires
- Windows. Your system will be rebooted for the Virus to take effect.
- %
- Win98 error 005: Mouse not found. Click left mouse button on ok to continue.
- %
- Win98 error 006: Keyboard not found. Press F1 to continue.
- %
- Win98 error 007: Fatal error: unforseeable condition: Your system has booted
- without crashing. Shutting down to compensate.
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- Win98 error 008: Illegal copies of Microsoft software found on harddisk, and
- the modem didn't respond to our attempts to call the FBI.
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- Win98 errors 019-999: Reserved for future use; presently used only to occupy
- 49.3 MB diskspace.
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- WinNT error 002: Out of memory - you have only 536,870,912 bytes of free RAM.
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- WinNT error 003: FPU error - enter any 11 digit prime number to continue.
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- Hiroshima '45, Tschernobyl '86, Windows '98
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- Sbelling chequed wyth MICROSOFT SPELLCHECKER - vorgs grate!
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- It's Windows 95 rather than Windows 4.0 because starting 1995, the
- government requires a decay date on software.
- %
- Computers have a lot in common with air conditioners:
- Once you open WINDOWS, they stop working properly.
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- Windows 98 is like a gun - unless it's loaded, it's harmless.
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- Customer: "I've just installed Windows 98..."
- Tech Support: "And?"
- Customer: "The computer stopped working."
- Tech Support: "You already said that..."
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- The ultimate Windows 98 keyboard: Ctrl, Alt + Del on one big key!
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- Win98 is called Win98 because 98 is the number of bugs occurring right after
- inserting the CD.
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- Win98 is called Win98 because 98 bugs have been added since the last version
- %
- Win98 is called Win98 because after the system crashed 98 times, you have to
- reinstall.
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- Win98 is called Win98 because you need 98 MB RAM to install it.
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- Win98 is called Win98 because no matter how fast your computer is, Windoze
- will use up 98% of the system resources for itself.
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- Win98 is called Win98 because it is 98% slower than Linux.
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- Win98 is called Win98 because there is a 98% probability that it will crash
- during installation
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- Win98 is called Win98 because it will take 98 years until the next version
- will be released - it was announced for 1999...
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- Win98 is called Win98 because 98% of the code is untested
- %
- Win98 is called Win98 because 98% of all hardware components will need
- driver updates.
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- Win98 is called Win98 because 98% of all hardware components will NEVER have
- WDM-drivers
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- Win98 is called Win98 because you need to update at least 98% of your
- hardware before it can be installed
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- Win98 is called Win98 because it is about as stable and flexible as Linux
- 0.0.98 (or at least, Microsoft claims it is)
- %
- The difference between Microsoft and 'Jurassic Parc':
- In one, a mad businessman makes a lot of money with beasts that should be
- extinct.
- The other is a film.
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- Windows 98 - the operating system of world records!
- 100 million sold copies, 200 million installed copies,
- 200 billion crashes.
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- New Microsoft PnP documents released: http://www.microsoft.eu.org/PnP.html
- %
- Microsoft's website has moved: http://www.microsoft.eu.org/
- %
- Windows 98 is *NOT* a virus - viruses are small and efficient.
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- 286 emulator for Pentium II released: It's called Windows NT.
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- Windows - what do you want to crash today?
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- System Error - Virus 'MS-WINDOWS' found!! Erase [Y/Y]?
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- Windows 98 supports real multitasking! It can boot and crash simultaneously!
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- Windows 98: Not Plug & Play, but Bug & Pay!
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- Win98 error 009: Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
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- Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be restarted for the change to take
- effect. Reboot now?
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- Do you remember when you only had to pay for windows when *you* broke them?
- %
- Microsoft should switch to the vacuum cleaner business where people actually
- want products that suck.
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- The first time Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is when they
- start making vacuum cleaners.
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- NT (as in Windows NT) is short for "Not Trustworthy".
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- NT (as in Windows NT) is short for "Not Tested".
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- NT (as in Windows NT) is short for "No Thanks".
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- NT (as in Windows NT) is short for "Nasty Technology".
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- NT (as in Windows NT) is short for "Nothing There".
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- NT (as in Windows NT) is short for "Needs Testing".
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- Microsoft is not Y2K compliant: Windows 95, 98, ... and back again to 01
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- "Nobody will ever need more than 640k RAM!"
- -- Bill Gates, 1981
- "Windows 95 needs at least 8 MB RAM."
- -- Bill Gates, 1996
- "Nobody will ever need Windows 95."
- -- logical conclusion
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- Choose two:
- (A) Fast
- (B) Efficient
- (C) Stable
- (D) Windows 98 (counts as two)
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- Are you scared of speed? If so, try Windows NT.
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- Windows 98 is the most popular virus on the market today.
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- Windows 98 is so intuitive that you need only 9.8 megabytes of help files!
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- Windows is the only solitaire game that requires 16 MB of RAM.
- %
- The word "Windows" is a word out of an old dialect of the Apaches.
- It means: "White man staring through glass-screen onto an
- hourglass..."
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- Double your drive space: Delete Windows!
- %
- Windows 95 is crash compatible with Windows 1.0, 2.x, and 3.x.
- %
- The nice thing about Windows is, it doesn't just crash, it
- displays a dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first. (At least,
- occasionally...)
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- Some Windows were made to be broken.
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- Turn your Pentium II into a Gameboy: Type WIN at C:\>
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- Windows NT - Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.
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- I'll never forget the 1st time I ran Windows, but I'm trying...
- %
- I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better.
- %
- Breaking Windows isn't just for kids anymore...
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- Beat me, whip me, make me use Windows NT!
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- A computer without Windows is like a chocolate cake without mustard.
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- Coming soon: Visual Edlin for Windows.
- %
- Microsoft just released a new product:
- Microsoft Windows for Windows(TM).
- The ultimate Windows emulator for the Windows platform! Only $900!
- %
- Windows 99 has been released! (PC Magazine, April 2013)
- %
- Windows 98 is guaranteed to make your system 98% slower.
- %
- The Windows 98 CD-ROM makes an excellent skeet shoot target.
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- Downgrade your system for only 89 dollars! Install Windows!
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- Welcome to Hell! Here's your copy of Windows 98!
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- Windows NT Performance, on the next "In Search Of"
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- Windows NT: Only 64 megs needed to play Minesweeper!
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- Windows: an Unrecoverable Acquisition Error!
- %
- The package said "requires Microsoft Windows 95 or better" - I don't
- understand why it doesn't work on my pocket calculator!
- %
- The sad thing about Windows bashing is that it's all true.
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- Linux vs. Windows is a no-WIN situation.
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- In 1968 it took the computing power of 2 C-64's to fly a rocket to the moon.
- Now, in 1998 it takes the Power of a Pentium 200 to run Microsoft Windows 98.
- Something must have gone wrong.
- %
- Microsoft broke Volkswagen's world record: Volkswagen only made 22
- million bugs!
- %
- Robert Tappen Morris, Jr., got six months in jail for crashing 10% of the
- computers that Bill Gates made $100 million crashing last weekend.
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- It is not too late to turn back from the GATES of hell. Use Linux.
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- The gates in my computer are AND, OR and NOT; they are not Bill.
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- It's always a bad time for bills - especially phone bills and Bills Gates.
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- There are two kinds of people: people who USED Linux and like it
- and people who never used Linux and don't like it.
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- If at first you don't succeed, work for Microsoft.
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- The Microsoft Motto: "We're the leaders, wait for us!"
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- Windows: celebrating ten years of obsolescence
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- Microsoft Windows didn't get as bad as it is overnight -- it took over ten
- years of careful development
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- Linux: The OS people choose without $200,000,000 of persuasion
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- How dare the government intervene to stifle innovation in the computer
- industry! That's Microsoft's job, dammit!
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- It's trivial to make fun of Microsoft products, but it takes a real man to
- make them work, and a god to make them do anything useful.
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- Win98 error 009: Erroneous error: Nothing is wrong.
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- Time out error: Operator fell asleep while waiting for Windows NT to complete
- boot procedure.
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- Quick! Call Guiness book of world records! My Windows 98 hasn't crashed for
- 2 hours, 43 minutes and 9 seconds!!!
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- Quick! Call Guiness book of world records! Windows NT has been running for
- 2 days without crashing!
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- Windows found - Remove? (Y)es (S)ure (F)ine (O)K (M)ake it so
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- Is that a 286 or are you just running Windows?
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- Bill Gates and Steve Jobs were playing a friendly game of Frisbee at the Gates
- estate on the shore of Lake Washington. At one point, Bill accidentally sends
- the Frisbee over Steve's head, and the Frisbee lands in the lake. Steve walks
- out onto the surface of the lake and retrieves the Frisbee.
- The next day the newspapers report:
- Gates' Throw Exceeds Expectations
- Apple CEO Unable to Swim
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- Q: How do you fix all Windows bugs at once?
- A: Type DELTREE C:\WINDOWS
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- Q: What is the difference between Jurassic Park and Microsoft?
- A: One is an over-rated high tech theme park based on prehistoric information
- and populated mostly by dinosaurs, the other is a Steven Spielberg movie.
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- Q: What's the difference between Windows 95 and a highly destructive virus?
- A: About 300 MB of hard disk space.
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- Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
- A: Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one
- to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried
- reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because
- the light bulb in our office works fine..."
- %
- Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
- A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision
- for light bulbs to be removed.
- %
- Q: How many Microsoft tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
- A: Twelve. One to work the bulb, and eleven to write a 1,123 page guide to
- changing lightbulbs ("Learn Lightbulb Management in 21 Days").
- %
- Q: Why is Microsoft's Product Support a failure?
- A: Because Microsoft needs a Support Group instead.
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- Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on Pentiums?
- A: Warning label.
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- Q: What do you call 50 Microsoft products in a trashcan?
- A: A darned good start.
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- No Microsoft products were used in any way for the creation of this message.
- If you are using a Microsoft product to view it, BEWARE! - I'm not
- responsible for any harm you might encounter as a result.
- %
- In most countries selling harmful things like drugs is punishable.
- Then howcome people can sell Microsoft software and go unpunished?
- %
- Microsoft Fortune v1.1
- (c) 1901-1998 by Microsoft, Corp., Redmond, USA
-
- FORTUNE caused a general protection fault in module FORTUNE at 0123:4567.
- Press OK to reboot.
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- When you say "I wrote a program that crashed Windows", people just stare at
- you blankly and say "Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*".
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- If Microsoft built cars, every time they repainted the lines on the road
- you would have to buy a new car.
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- If Microsoft built cars, your car would frequently die on the freeway for
- no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
-
- Occasionally also, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and
- fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you
- would accept this too.
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- If Microsoft built cars, you could only have one person in the car at a
- time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy
- more seats.
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- If Microsoft built cars, the Linux community would make a car that was powered
- by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, and
- available freely - but only 5 percent of the people would use it.
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- If Microsoft built cars, the Linux car owners would get expensive
- Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much
- slower.
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- If Microsoft built cars, the oil, gas, and alternator warning lights would
- be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
- %
- If Microsoft built cars, seats would force everyone to have the same size
- butt.
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- If Microsoft built cars, the airbag system would say "are you sure?"
- before going off.
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- If Microsoft built cars, If you were involved in a crash, you would have
- no idea what happened.
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- If Microsoft built cars, you would have to press the "Start" button to turn
- them off.
- %
- Microsoft's biggest and most dangerous contribution to the software
- industry may be the degree to which it has lowered user expectations.
- %
- Last night (9/30-10/1) at midnight, Mr. Bill's Browser 4.0 was released.
- Late last night, between midnight and 1:30, somebody (MS? probably)
- dumped a huge IE logo on Netscape's front lawn (a metal shell,
- apparently, deep enough to stand up on its own). They probably expected
- that we wouldn't notice until morning, and wouldn't be able to get
- equipment to move it until 11:00 or so, and some press cameras would come
- by in the meantime; we wouldn't be able to bring legal action, 'cause we
- wouldn't have any proof, and we'd just look whiny.
-
- Well. Needless to say, MS was dumb: they forgot that we're *here* at
- midnight! Somebody spotted it, and, rather than waste effort trying to
- get rid of the logo, they decided to slap MS in the face with it instead.
- (Figuratively. :-) They gathered people to help, and they tipped over the
- IE logo so that it was lying on its back, spraypainted "Netscape Now" on
- the side facing the street...and then carried over our 7-foot-tall statue
- of Mozilla (Netscape's Godzillaoid mascot) and stood it up on top of the
- IE logo.
-
- So now we have Mozilla standing on top of the defeated IE (with his thumb
- up and a grin on his face), and people are wandering by and taking
- pictures; it got covered in by local papers and TV, and I've been told
- Reuters picked it up. Not the sort of thing we'd publicize on purpose,
- 'cause it is a little childish...but they started it! :-)
- -- A Netscape employee
- %
- NT is secure....
- as long as you don't remove the shrink wrap.
- %
- Windows 98 recently won a price as best vacuum cleaner ever.
- Comment from one of the testers: "Windows 98 sucks more than anything..."
- %
-