ProfitPress Mega CDROM2 …eeware (MSDOS)(1992)(Eng)/ProfitPress-MegaCDROM2.B6I/TEXT/UTILITY/QT201.ZIP/QUOTES.TXT

Text File | 1991-07-04 | 544.5 KB | 18,054 lines

#
#  QUOTES.TXT           Quote text file for use with QT-QUOTE.
#
#  QT-QUOTE  Version 2.01
#  (C) June 1991  Adrian Collins & CT Software Systems
#
#  <[e-mail].p4> or
#  <[e-mail]>
#
#  Many thanks to David Tonge for help with compiling this file.
#  This file may only be distributed with QT-QUOTE 2.01 and its associated
#  files, in completely unmodified form.
#
#  Lines beginning with a hash '#' are comments.
#  Quotes end with a Byline which are preceeded by "@<Subject name>=".
#  Lines may not exceed 78 characters (excluding subject prefix).
#  Subject names must not be in excess of 20 characters.
#  Anything exceeding these lengths will be truncated. (You have been warned!)
#

On a clear disk, you can seek forever...
@COMPUTERS= UNIX

Every human social structure has developed to ensure the survival of that
structure...to the detriment of its human inhabitants.
@SOCIAL= T.N.Thompson.

Murphy's Law predicts the extinction of Gremlins...
when it's least expected.
@LAWS= T.N.Thompson.

Computers run on faith, not electrons.
@COMPUTERS= T.N.Thompson.

Planning is the replacement of DECAY with Error. IF we plan by means of
data-processing, we can err faster and more accurately !!
@GENERAL= JOHANNES SCHEPERS

I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
avoiding the beach, and the sea..
@GENERAL= LUCINDA CHILDS (PHILIP GLASS: EINSTEIN ON THE BEACH)

Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.
@ONELINERS= HASSAN I SABBAH

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement.  But the opposite
of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
@GENERAL= NIELS BOHR

Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
@ONELINERS= SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA ORACLE

The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human
mind to correlate all its contents.
@GENERAL= H P LOVECRAFT

Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
@ONELINERS= KEN KESEY

Its not the size of the ship, its the size of the waves.
@ONELINERS= LITTLE RICHARD

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
@ONELINERS= SIGMUND FREUD

I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of overtly
public intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
commerce.
@GENERAL= J EDGAR HOOVER

It is a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
@ONELINERS= WILLIE SUTTON

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.
@ONELINERS= BILLY ROSE

The rich will do anything for the poor but get off their backs.
@ONELINERS= KARL MARX

If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
shopping centre in the world?
@GENERAL= RICHARD M NIXON

When I sell liquor, its called bootlegging, but when some of my patrons
serve it in the White House, up on Lake Shore Drive, its called HOSPITALITY
@GENERAL= AL CAPONE

Anything anybody can say about America is true.
@ONELINERS= EMMETT GROGAN

If you've seen one city slum, you've seen them all.
@ONELINERS= SPIRO AGNEW

If you've seen one REDWOOD tree, you've seen 'em all.
@ONELINERS= RONALD REAGAN

You can't underestimate the power of fear.
@ONELINERS= TRICIA NIXON

The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
@ONELINERS= BUCKMINSTER FULLER

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
@ONELINERS= DWIGHT D EISENHOWER

You smash it - and I'll build around it....
@ONELINERS= JOHN LENNON

College isn't the place to go for ideas.
@ONELINERS= HELLEN KELLER

Politicians should read Science Fiction, and NOT westerns or detective
stories.
@GENERAL= ARTHUR C CLARKE

It seemed that it was necessary for me to establish a "winner image".
Therefore, I have had to beat somebody.
@GENERAL= RICHARD M NIXON

Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearance of true magic.
@ONELINERS= ARTHUR C CLARKE

Justice is incidental to law and order.
@ONELINERS= J EDGAR HOOVER

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
@ONELINERS= GROUCHO MARX

The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
@ONELINERS= ABBIE HOFFMAN

Get out of the road, if you want to grow old.
@ONELINERS= PINK FLOYD

I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
@ONELINERS= OSCAR WILDE

We are what we pretend to be. (most of the time!)
@ONELINERS= KURT VONNEGUT, JR

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
@ONELINERS= OSCAR WILDE

I could prove God statistically.
@ONELINERS= GEORGE GALLUP

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
with our frail and feeble mind.
@GENERAL= ALBERT EINSTEIN

Anyone can afford hate. It costs you to love.
@ONELINERS= JOHN WILLIAMSON

In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true
or becomes true.
@GENERAL= JOHN LILLY

Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
@ONELINERS= GRAFFITI

The most incomprehensible thing about the world is...
...that it is comprehensible, at least in part.
@GENERAL= ALBERT EINSTEIN

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
@ONELINERS= GRAFFITI

A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms.
@ONELINERS= GEORGE WALD

.....Red Alert .....Something is out-there
.....Red Alert .... 99 red ballons go a floating by.....
.....Red Alert
.....for the war machine's computer has a "BUG" in its sights !!

SHALL WE TELL THE WORLD
@GENERAL= Traditional German song

If I could find any proof that a sane WORLD had ever really existed....
@GENERAL= NANA

We don't know who discovered water, but we are certain it wasn't a fish.
@ONELINERS= JOHN CULKIN

Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are ain't no good.
@ONELINERS= ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

Please don't lie to me, unless you 're absolutely sure I'll never find
out the truth.
@GENERAL= ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

Please don't ask me what the score is....
I'm not even sure what the game is.
@GENERAL= ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
@ONELINERS= ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
@ONELINERS= ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
@ONELINERS= ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the
wrong direction.
@GENERAL= ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely
overwhelm me.
@GENERAL= ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit
the target.
@GENERAL= ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without
passing through civilisation in between.
@GENERAL= OSCAR WILDE

The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilisation.
@ONELINERS= ALAN COULT

If any aborigine were to draft an IQ test, all of Western civilisation
would presumably flunk it.
@GENERAL= STANLEY GARN

The world looks as if it has been left in the custody of trolls.
@GENERAL= FATHER ROBERT F CAPON

Sure there are dishonest men in local government!  But there are dishonest
men in national government too.
@GENERAL= RICHARD M NIXON (1956)

We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
@ONELINERS= DWIGHT D EISENHOWER

If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution
inevitable.
@GENERAL= JOHN F KENNEDY

"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be;
and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic."
@GENERAL= LEWIS CARROLL

It takes a long time to understand nothing.
@ONELINERS= EDWARD DAHLBERG

To know the world one must construct it.
@ONELINERS= CESARE PAVESE

The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out.
@ONELINERS= TENESSEE WILLIAMS

An object never serves the same function as its image- or its real name.
@ONELINERS= RENE MAGRITTE

He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonderful.
@ONELINERS= M C ESCHER

Law of Computability Applied to Social Sciences: If at first you don't
succeed, transform your data set.
@LAWS=

Laws of Computer Programming (1 to 4):

    (1)   Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
    (2)   Any given program costs more and takes longer.
    (3)   If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
    (4)   If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
@LAWS=

Laws of Computer Programming (5 to 8):

    (5)   Any given program will expand to fill all available
          memory.
    (6)   The value of a program is proportional to the weight
          of its output.
    (7)   Program complexity grows until it exceeds the
          capability of the programmer who must maintain it.
    (8)   Make it possible for programmers to write programs in
          English, and you will find that programmers cannot
          write in English.
@LAWS=

When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
@ONELINERS= CALVIN COOLIDGE

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
@ONELINERS= PAUL ERLICH

If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z where X is work,
Y is play, Z is keep your mouth shut.
@GENERAL= ALBERT EINSTEIN

FUN is hereditary. If your parents never had too much, then sorry!
but, the chances are that you won't either.  UNLESS you do something
about it... (but I am wrong sometimes!)
@GENERAL= Anon

Fourth Law of Thermodymanics:
If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damn near zero.
@LAWS= DAVID ELLIS

Frouds Law:
A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing
first !!
@LAWS=

Law of Cosmic Irreversibility:
BASIC is to PASCAL what AMERICAN is to ENGLISH
@LAWS= English pascal programmer

The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights.
@ONELINERS= J PAUL GETTY

TOM Gilb's Laws of SYSTEMS Reliability:

    (1)   True, Computers aren't too reliable, but humans are
          even more unreliable.
    (3)   The only difference between the fool, and the criminal
          who attacks a system is that the fool attacks
          unpredictably and on a broader front.
@LAWS=

TOM Gilb's Laws of SYSTEMS Reliability;

    (5)   Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in
          proportion to the inherent unreliability of the system
          in which they are used.
    (6)   The error-detection and correction capabilities of any
          system are the key to understanding the type of errors
          which they cannot handle.
    (7)   Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in
          contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are
          limited.
@LAWS= Tom Glib?

TOM Glib's Laws of Software reliability

    (1)   All real programs contain errors until proven otherwise
          - which is impossible.
    (2)   Investment in reliability will increase until it
          exceeds the probable cost of errors, or somebody
          insists on getting some useful work done.

@LAWS= Tom Glib?

Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters
needs pounding.
@GENERAL= ABRAHAM KAPLAN

The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems.
@ONELINERS= ROGER LEVIAN

Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there will be some
Federal, State or local LAW or (ordinance) (Byelaw) under which you can be
booked!
@ONELINERS= ROBERT D SPRECHT (RAND CORP)

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the
first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilisation.
@COMPUTERS= GERALD WEINBERG

Zimmerman's Law of Complaints:
Nobody notices when things go just right.
@LAWS=

Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance.
@ONELINERS= CONFUCIUS

Whosoever diggeth a pit shall falleth therein.
@ONELINERS= BOOK OF PROVERBS

It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good
impromptu speech.
@GENERAL= MARK TWAIN

The unnatural, that too is natural.
@ONELINERS= GOETHE

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
@ONELINERS= GRAFFITI

I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.
@ONELINERS= SAMUEL GOLDWYN

But, He has not one redeeming vice.
@ONELINERS= OSCAR WILDE

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
@ONELINERS= GRAFFITI

(To Walter Cronkite):
"Well Walter, I believe that the Good Lord gave us a finite number of
 heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine just running up
 and down a street"
@GENERAL= - Neil Armstrong -

'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
@ONELINERS= - George Bernard Shaw -

"Science has proof without any certainty.  Creationists have certainty
 without any proof"
@GENERAL= Ashley Montague

"Make no little plans. They have no Magic to stir Men's blood."
@ONELINERS= - D. B. Hudson -

"Software suppliers are trying their level best, to make their software
 packages more 'user-friendly'... Their best approach, so far, has been
 to take all the old brochures and stamp the words 'user-friendly' on
 the cover."
@COMPUTERS= BILL GATES, Pres., Microsoft,Inc.

Eight Things your computer won't do:

    (1)   It won't save you money.
    (2)   It won't make your organisation run right.
    (3)   It won't solve every problem.
    (4)   It won't run itself.
    (5)   It won't always be right.
    (6)   It won't meet all its own needs.
    (7)   It won't protect itself.
    (8)   It won't become obsolete. (?! Try telling a ZX81 that)

@COMPUTERS= J. Makower

Bradley's Bromide:
If computers get too powerful, we can organise them into a committee...
that will do them in.
@COMPUTERS=

Civilisation Law #1:
Civilisation advances by extending the number of important operations one
can do without thinking about them.
@GENERAL=

Ketterling's Law:
Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
@LAWS=

"Whenever 'A' attempts by law to impose his MORAL standards upon 'B',
 'A' is most likely a scoundrel"
@GENERAL= - H. L. Mencken -

"The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
 Christian Religion"
@GENERAL= - George Washington -

"In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty."
@ONELINERS= - Thomas Jefferson -

"Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilised nations"
@ONELINERS= - Thomas Jefferson -

"We must all hang together, or we will surely all hang separately"
@ONELINERS= - Benjamin Franklin -

"Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried"
@ONELINERS= - Thomas Jefferson -

"Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained control of
 the country, it would probably fly around in circles"
@GENERAL= - Pat Paulsen -

"An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself"
@ONELINERS= - Camus -

"I don't drink water. Fish make love in it"
@ONELINERS= - W. C. Fields -

The Swartzberg Test: The validity of a science is its ability to predict.
@ONELINERS=

"To err is human, to compute divine.  Trust your computer but not
 its programmer"
@COMPUTERS= - Morris Kingston -

"I've seen many politicians paralysed in the legs as myself, but I've
 seen more of them who were paralysed in the head"
@GENERAL= - George Wallace -

"You don't have to explain something you never said"
@ONELINERS= - Calvin Coolidge -

"A little caution outflanks a large cavalry"
@ONELINERS= - Bismarck -

"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money"
@ONELINERS= - Everett Dirksen -

"The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato
 chip market.  Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food
 market and is fast approaching the total world-wide sales of pantyhose"
@COMPUTERS= - James Finke,Pres.,Commodore Int'l Ltd.(1982) -

"I like a man who grins when he fights."
@ONELINERS= - Winston Churchill -

"There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true."
@ONELINERS= - Winston Churchill -

"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he will pick
 himself up and carry on..."
@GENERAL= - Winston Churchill -

A computer program that RUNS is only software, that has not crashed...YET!
@COMPUTERS= anon

"God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
 but remember that the Devil runs electromagnetics by quantum theory on
 Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday."
@GENERAL= - William Bragg -

"Pioneering basically amounts to finding new and more horrible ways to die"
@ONELINERS= - John W. Campbell -

"That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest"
@ONELINERS= - Thoreau -

Life is not one thing after another....
it's the same damn thing over and over!
@GENERAL= Anon

The meek will inherit the Earth..... The rest of us will go to the stars.
@ONELINERS= Traditional

After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Beauty is only skin deep, but Ugly goes straight to the bone.
@ONELINERS= Anon

There is no remedy for fun but more fun (now) !
@ONELINERS= Anon

Any given program, when running correctly, is obsolete.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll
believe you.  Tell him that a bench has wet paint upon it and he'll have
to touch it to be sure.
@GENERAL= Anon

"Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and thinking
 what no one else has thought."
@GENERAL= - Albert Szent-Gyorgi -

"Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals"
@ONELINERS= - "Oh, Lucky Man" -

I really hate this damn machine, I wish that they would sell it.
It never does just what I want, but only what I tell it.
@COMPUTERS= - the experienced micro user -

"Fantasy, abandoned by Reason, produces impossible monsters; Fantasy when
 united with Reason, is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels"
@GENERAL= - Goya -

"Some people like my advice so much that they frame it and hang it upon
the wall instead of using it"
@GENERAL= - Gordon R. Dickson -

"Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not
a harbour."
@GENERAL= - Toynbee -

"We have met the enemy and he is us"
@ONELINERS= - Walt Kelly (in POGO) -

"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
 are now extinct."
@GENERAL= - M. Somerset Maugham -

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
@ONELINERS= - Bert Lantz -

"The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception
 a necessity."
@GENERAL= - Oscar Wilde -

"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
@ONELINERS= - Voltaire -

Ode to Turbulent Flow:

        Big whirls have little whirls
        Which feed on their velocity,
        And little whirls have lesser whirls
        And so on, to viscosity.

@GENERAL= Anon

"There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them"
@ONELINERS= - Heisenberg -

"It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling to get adapted to my kind
 of fooling"
@GENERAL= - R. Frost -

"Confound these ancestors... They've stolen our best ideas!"
@ONELINERS= - Ben Jonson -

You can tell when politicians are lying...They move their lips.
@ONELINERS= MAX HEADROOM

There is ONE outstandingly important fact about our spaceship Earth,
and that is that No instruction book came with it!
@GENERAL= BUCKMINSTER FULLER

Use it up ... Wear it out.
Make it do ... Or do without.
@GENERAL= US WORLD WAR II MESSAGE

"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World
 War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
@GENERAL= Albert Einstein

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane,
most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear
that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition
continuously until death do them part.
@VERBOSE= George Bernard Shaw

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
example.
@GENERAL= La Rouchefoucauld

Mythology:      The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
                origin,early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as
                distinguished from the true accounts which it invents
                later.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Second Law of Business Meetings:
If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick
the wrong one.

Corollary:
If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong, anyway.
@LAWS= Anon

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
@GENERAL= Earl Wilson

If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four
tellers?
@GENERAL= Anon

Heaven:   A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
          their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while
          you expound your own.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but nothing of
interest is easy.
@GENERAL= Anon

Life is like an onion. You peel off layer after layer, then you find there
is nothing in it.
@GENERAL= Anon

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
@ONELINERS= Jules de Gaultier

Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
@ONELINERS= Anon

Sodd's Second Law:
Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.
@LAWS=

Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.
@GENERAL= Anon

Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
writing.
@GENERAL= R. Geis

The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and
by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
@GENERAL= Anon

Go 'way!  You're bothering me!
@ONELINERS= Traditional

Boren's Laws:

        1)      When in charge, ponder.
        2)      When in trouble, delegate.
        3)      When in doubt, mumble.
@LAWS=

Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
@LAWS= Anon

The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
@ONELINERS= Anon

"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
@ONELINERS= Anon

Deliberation:   The act of examining one's bread to determine which side
                it is buttered on.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Optimization hinders evolution.
@ONELINERS= Anon

God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Finagle's first Law:
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
@LAWS=

Pohl's law:
Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
@LAWS=

California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
@ONELINERS= Fred Allen

Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
@ONELINERS= Anon

First Law of Socio-Genetics:
Celibacy is not hereditary.
@LAWS=

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
@GENERAL= Anatole France

When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified
your attitude toward him.  You have given a definite answer to a definite
problem.  For better or worse you have acted decisively.  In a way,
the next move is up to him.
@VERBOSE= R. A. Lafferty

Actor:          "I'm a smash hit.  Why, yesterday during the last act,
                 I had everyone glued in their seats!"
Oliver Herford: "Wonderful!  Wonderful!  Clever of you to think of it!"

@GENERAL= Anon

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Barometer:      An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of
                weather we are having.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

"I am not an Economist.  I am an honest man!"
@ONELINERS= Paul McCracken

Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning of
the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and such as
are out wish to get in?
@GENERAL= Ralph Emerson

This fortune cookie program out of order.  For those in desperate need,
please use the program "randchar".  This program generates random
characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with something
profound.  It will, however, take it no time at all to be more profound
than THIS program has ever been.
@GENERAL= Anon

May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
Thousand Caramels.
@GENERAL= Anon

Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
@ONELINERS= Anon

He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
attacks democracy itself.
@GENERAL= William S. Paley, chairman of CBS

The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 showed
that all had these things in common:

        1)      They all had moderate appetites.
        2)      They all came from middle class homes
        3)      All but two of them were dead.

@GENERAL= Anon

Corrupt: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

I must have slipped a disk my pack hurts
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Help!  I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
@COMPUTERS= Anon

If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.  On the other hand,
if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is also a psychological
interaction.  The difference is that one is friendly and the other
is not so friendly.  The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
@VERBOSE= Anon

Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favourite neurosis.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least
until we've finished building it.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit them
on the head.
@GENERAL= Anon

A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.
I believe everything positively stinks.
@GENERAL= Lew Col

Ehrman's Commentary:

        1.      Things will get worse before they get better.
        2.      Who said things would get better?
@LAWS=

"We don't care.  We don't have to.  We're the Phone Company."
@ONELINERS= Anon

"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
@ONELINERS= Lily Tomlin

Do what comes naturally now.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind
the tree."
@GENERAL= Russell Long

If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
having to accomplish anything.
@GENERAL= Anon

Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink.
@LAWS=

Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
@ONELINERS= Adlai Stevenson

Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is they
charge fifteen cents for them.
@GENERAL= Anon

Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Nothing recedes like success.
@ONELINERS= Walter Winchell

Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't,
why you should.
@GENERAL= Anon

"...all the modern inconveniences..."
@ONELINERS= Mark Twain

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder.  This nitpicking is sickening
to your friends.  You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep
while making love.  Virgos make good bus drivers.
@HOROSCOPE=

Predestination was doomed from the start.
@GENERAL= Anon

Finagle's third Law:
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all
need of checking, is the mistake.

Corollaries:
        1.      Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
        2.      The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
                don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
@LAWS=

Elevators smell different to midgets
@ONELINERS= Anon

In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools will
be temporarily cancelled.
@GENERAL= Anon

Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Why did the Roman Empire collapse?
What is the Latin for office automation?
@GENERAL= Anon

It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
@ONELINERS= Anon

There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of paying
literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
@GENERAL= Anon

A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out
of a divorce.
@GENERAL= Don Quinn

99 blocks of crud on the disk,
99 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
100 blocks of crud on the disk!
       ----
100 blocks of crud on the disk,
100 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
101 blocks of crud on the disk!...
@VERBOSE= Anon

Ink:   A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic,
       and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy
       and promote intellectual crime.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

AMAZING BUT TRUE...
If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
@GENERAL= Anon

"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
@ONELINERS= Ashleigh Brilliant

You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
@ONELINERS= J. D. Salinger

"Now is the time for all good men to come to."
@ONELINERS= Walt Kelly

Nothing is faster than the speed of light... To prove this to yourself,
try opening the refrigerator door before the light comes on.
@GENERAL= Anon

Menu:    A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
@ONELINERS= Foolish Dictionary

O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
"Murphy was an optimist."
@LAWS=

"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, And there
isn't one language you like; Yet of useful suggestions for help you
have none -- Have you thought about taking a hike?"
                   ----
"Since I never write programs," his father replied, "Every language
looks equally bad; Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
And don't realize that they've been had."
@VERBOSE= Anon

Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Excellent time to become a missing person.
@ONELINERS= Anon

In English, every word can be verbed.  Would that it were so in our
programming languages.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
Don't worry if it doesn't work right.  If everything did, you'd be out
of a job.
@COMPUTERS=

The three laws of thermodynamics:

The First Law :  You can't get anything without working for it.
The Second Law:  The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
The Third Law :  You can only break even at absolute zero.
@LAWS=

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day,
I would have studied harder.
@GENERAL= Pope John Paul I

Barach's Rule:
An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
@LAWS= Foolish Dictionary

Cole's Law:     Thinly sliced cabbage.
@LAWS= Anon

Swipple's Rule of Order: He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
@LAWS=

Justice:        A decision in your favour.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Coronation:     The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
                visible signs of his divine right to be blown sky high with
                a dynamite bomb.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Brain fried -- Core dumped
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it is
an enemy.
@GENERAL= A. Einstein

A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Abstainer:     A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
               himself a pleasure.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

THEORY
Into love and out again,
Thus I went and thus I go.
Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
Well and bitterly I know
All the songs were ever sung,
All the words were ever said;
Could it be, when I was young,
Someone dropped me on my head?
@VERBOSE= Dorothy Parker

Only God can make random selections.
@ONELINERS= Anon

First Rule of History:
History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.
@LAWS=

If I travelled to the end of the rainbow As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me The pot's at the other end.
@GENERAL= Bert Whitney

Politics is like coaching a football team.  you have to be smart enough
to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
@GENERAL= Anon

Half Moon tonight.  (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
@ONELINERS= Anon

There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesale
returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
@GENERAL= Mark Twain

The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
more important to do.
@GENERAL= Anon

The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.  I
hope I don't get run over again.
@GENERAL= Anon

Captain Penny's Law:
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people
all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mum.
@LAWS=

Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you
should have gotten.
@LAWS=

The past always looks better than it was.  It's only pleasant because it
isn't here.
@GENERAL= Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)

Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
@ONELINERS= Anon

Chicken Little was right.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A real person has two reasons for doing anything...
...a good reason and the real reason.
@GENERAL= Anon

Happiness:     An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery
               of another.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the pens
will multiply instead of disappear.
@GENERAL= Anon

Clothes maketh the man.  Naked people have little or no influence
on society.
@GENERAL= Mark Twain

It's not that I'm afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when it
happens.
@GENERAL= Woody Allen.

If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their
Heads.
@GENERAL= Anon

As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there is
always a future in Computer Maintenance.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

"That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all."
@ONELINERS= Anon

Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
@ONELINERS= Anon

If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
@ONELINERS= Anon

DETERIORATA
Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires.
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
Know what to kiss -- and when.
Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
But that three do.
Wherever possible, put people on `HOLD'.
Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
     You are a fluke of the universe...
     You have no right to be here.
     Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
     Is laughing behind your back.
@VERBOSE= Anon

Jone's Law:
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame
it on.
@LAWS=

Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too
busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
@GENERAL= Anon

Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is
reading it.
@GENERAL= Anon

Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.
@SEX= Anon

Behold the warranty...the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.
@ONELINERS= Anon

You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first and
last month in advance.
@GENERAL= Anon

What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to
compare it with.
@GENERAL= Anon

Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit them
on the head.
@GENERAL= Anon

Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
          their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they
          cannot separately plunder a third.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

If I don't drive around the park,
I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
If I'm in bed each night by ten,
I may get back my looks again.
If I abstain from fun and such,
I'll probably amount to much;
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.
@VERBOSE= Dorothy Parker

"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
@ONELINERS= Anon

Peter's Law of Substitution:
Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after themselves.
@LAWS=

Molecule: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.  It is distinguished
          from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of
          matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate,
          indivisible unit of matter...The ion differs from the molecule,
          the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion...
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Time flies like an arrow; Fruit flies like a banana.
@ONELINERS= G. Marx

Computer Scientists do it bit-by-bit
@COMPUTERS= Tom Hartley & Richard Bowyer

OCCAM programmers do it in parallel
@COMPUTERS= Tom Hartley & Richard Bowyer

Database administrators do it with their relations
@COMPUTERS= Tom Hartley & Richard Bowyer

AI programmers only think they do it
@COMPUTERS= Tom Hartley & Richard Bowyer

Operational Researchers would have done it by now if they hadn't spent so
long working out the best way to go about it.
@COMPUTERS= Tom Hartley & Richard Bowyer

Mathematicians have to PROVE they can do it
@GENERAL= Tom Hartley & Richard Bowyer

Psychologists only do it if they feel good about it
@GENERAL= Tom Hartley & Richard Bowyer

Historians USED to do it
@GENERAL= Tom Hartley & Richard Bowyer

Civil engineers do it behind schedule
@GENERAL= Tom Hartley and Mark Bowyer

The direct cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with
a big mouth.
@INSURANCE= Insurance Claim By VU Informatica, Amsterdam.

Coming home I drove in the wrong house and collided with a tree I
don't have.
@INSURANCE= Insurance Claim by VU Informatica, Amsterdam.

The other car collided with mine without giving me warning of its
intentions.
@INSURANCE= Insurance Claim by VU Informatica, Amsterdam.

I thought my window was down, but found it to be up when I put my head
through it.
@INSURANCE= Insurance Claim by VU Informatica, Amsterdam.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
@INSURANCE= Insurance Claim by VU Informatica, Amsterdam.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
@INSURANCE= Insurance Claim by VU Informatica, Amsterdam.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
@INSURANCE= Insurance Claim by VU Informatica, Amsterdam.

The guy was all over the road.  I had to swerve many times before
I hit him.
@INSURANCE= Insurance Claim by VU Informatica, Amsterdam.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment.
@INSURANCE= Insurance Claim by VU Informatica, Amsterdam.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home.
As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my view,
and I didn't see the other car.
@INSURANCE= Insurance Claim by VU Informatica, Amsterdam, Netherlands.

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and
had an accident.
@INSURANCE= Insurance Claim by VU Informatica, Amsterdam, Netherlands.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
@INSURANCE= Insurance Claim by VU Informatica, Amsterdam, Netherlands.

I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat I found
that I had fractured my skull.
@INSURANCE= Insurance Claim by VU Informatica, Amsterdam, Netherlands.

I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side when I
struck him.
@INSURANCE= Insurance Claim by VU Informatica, Amsterdam, Netherlands.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
@INSURANCE= Insurance Claim by VU Informatica, Amsterdam, Netherlands.

Xerox your life.  If you lose it, you'll still have a copy.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Typographers rule, OQ
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Don't go to work, there's a lot to do.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Double your pleasure, Double your fun.  Xerox your pay-cheques.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

I look better on a woman!
@SEX= Graffiti

To all virgins.  Thanks for nothing
@SEX= Graffiti

God made things that creep and crawl,
but British rail - it beats them all!
@GENERAL= Graffiti

If it wasn't for venetian blinds, it would be curtains for all of us.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

I am a vampire.  Please wash your neck.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti (In lavatory)

Beat unemployment - Vote labour.
Vote conservative and treat it nicely.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Owing to lack of interest, tomorrow has been cancelled.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Never mind the Titanic - is there any news of the iceberg?
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Other vice may be nice, but sex won't rot your teeth.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Brunel Rules, IK
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

James Bond rules.  00K.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Sterility is hereditary.
@SEX= Graffiti

Smile, they said, life could be worse.  So I did, and it was.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

You're never alone if you're a sex maniac.
@SEX= Graffiti

Sex is bad for one.  - But it's very good for two.
@SEX= Graffiti

Roses are red,
Violet's are blue,
And mine are white.
@GENERAL= Graffiti

Jack the ripper lives - he works in our laundry.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Reincarnation is making a comeback - Over my dead body!
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

How do you tell the sex of a chromosome?  By taking down its genes.
@SEX= Graffiti

The only safe fast-breeder is a rabbit.  Say 'No' to nuclear power.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Start a new movement - eat a prune.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

We are the people our parents warned us about
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Don't waste water.  Pee on a friend.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Nervous breakdowns are hereditary.  We get them from our children.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

I've half a mind to join the national front.  That's all I'll need.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Only the mediocre are always at their best.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Marriage is a wonderful institution -
but who wants to live in an institution?
@GENERAL= Graffiti

Bad spellers of the world.  Untie!
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

The first three minutes of life can be the most dangerous.
- The last three are pretty dodgy too!
@GENERAL= Graffiti

Life is a sexually transmitted disease
@SEX= Graffiti

Liberals are a Labour-saving device.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

In a survey carried out to see what men liked about women's legs,
27% said they preferred women with fat legs and 15% said they preferred
women with thin legs.  The remaining 58% said they liked something
in-between.
@SEX= Graffiti

You'll never walk alone with schizophrenia.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

A lecture:     a means of transferring information from the notes of the
               lecturer to the notes of the student without passing through
               the minds of either.
@WORDS= Graffiti

My inferiority complexes aren't as good as yours.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Beat inflation - steal!
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

A fertile imagination is no compensation for vasectomy.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

The hangman let us down.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

No hand signals.  The driver of this vehicle is a convicted arab shoplifter
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Hang Gliding,
Blast Baseball,
and Sod Cycling.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

If you feel strongly about graffiti, sign a partition.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Pedants rule Ok - or, more accurately, exhibit certain of the trappings
of traditional leadership.
@GENERAL= Graffiti

Geography is everywhere.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Old fishermen never die, they just smell that way.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

I never used to be able to finish anything, but now I
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Guy fawkes was the sanest man who ever went to the Houses of Parliament
- and look what happened to him.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Easter is cancelled this year.  They've found the body.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Count Dracula - your Bloody Mary is ready...
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Death is hereditary
@ONELINERS= Ian Browne

Dead people are cool
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Nationalise crime, and make sure it doesn't pay.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Save fuel.  Get cremated with a friend.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Constipation is the thief of time.  Diarrhoea waits for no man.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Schizophrenia rules.  OK.  OK.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Free the indianapolis 500.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

If the human brain were simple enough for us to understand, we'd be so
simple we couldn't.
@GENERAL= Graffiti

I bet you I could stop gambling.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti.

My uncle fred died of asbestosis - it took six months to cremate him.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

I'D GIVE MY RIGHT ARM TO BE AMBIDEXTROUS
- You can have mine. I'm left handed!
@GENERAL= Graffiti

I couldn't care less about apathy.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

OK, so I'm cured of schizophrenia, but where am I when I need me?
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Absolute zero is cool.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Bo Peep did it for the insurance.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
@ONELINERS= Joe E Lewis

An accountant is a man hired to explain that you didn't make the money
you did.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Never ask of money spent
Where the spender thinks it went.
Nobody was ever meant
To remember or invent
What he did with every cent.
@GENERAL= Robert Frost

It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age, he had already
been dead for a year.
@GENERAL= Tom Lehrer

The world is divided into people who do things - and people who get
the credit.
@GENERAL= Dwight Morrow

Acting is about honesty.  If you can fake that, you've got it made.
@ONELINERS= George Burns

I love acting.  Its much more real than life.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde.

I'm now at an age where I have to prove that I'm just as good as
I never was.
@GENERAL= Rex Harrison

Some of the greatest love affairs I've ever known, involved one actor,
unassisted.
@GENERAL= Wilson Mizner

Scratch an actor - you'll find an actress.
@ONELINERS= Dorothy Parker

Adolescence: a stage between infancy and adultery
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when
you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
@GENERAL= Fran Lebowitz

When I grow up I want to be a little boy.
@ONELINERS= Joseph Heller

In the ad biz, sincerity is a commodity, bought and paid for like
everything else.
@GENERAL= Newsweek

The longest word in the English Language is the one following the phrase
'And now a word from our sponsor.'
@GENERAL= Hal Eaton

Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark.
You know what you're doing, but nobody else does.
@GENERAL= Edgar Watson Howe

Advertising that uses superlatives isn't.
@ONELINERS= Harry Pesin

I always pass on good advice.  It's the only thing to do with it.
It is never any use to oneself.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

A mixture of admiration and pity is one of the surest recipes for
affection.
@ONELINERS= Adre Maurois

I refuse to admit that I am more than fifty-two, even if that does make my
two sons illegitimate.
@GENERAL= Nancy Astor

The four stages of man are: Infancy, Childhood, Adolescence
and obsolescence.
@ONELINERS= Art Linkletter

The old believe everything; the middle aged suspect everything;
the young know everything.
@GENERAL= Oscar Wilde

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
@ONELINERS= Dylan Thomas

Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
@ONELINERS= Arthur Baer

Alimony: Bounty after the mutiny
@ONELINERS= Max Kauffmann

Alimony: The ransom that the happy pay to the devil.
@ONELINERS= H L Mencken

Professionals build the Titanic, amateurs built the Ark.
@ONELINERS= Anon

I want to be what I was when I started to be what I am now.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Ambition is the last refuge of the failure.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

is the US ready for self-government?
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Americans like fat books and thin women
@ONELINERS= Russel Baker

I don't know much about Americanism, but it's a damn good word with which
to carry an election.
@GENERAL= Warren G Harding

America - a country that has leapt from barbarism to decadence without
touching civilisation in between.
@GENERAL= John O'Hara

All americans lecture...  I suppose it is something in their climate.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

I happen to know quite a lot about the south.  Spent twenty years there
one night.
@GENERAL= Dick Gregory

I am righteously indignant;  YOU are annoyed;  HE is making a fuss
about nothing.
@GENERAL= New Statesman

Odd things animals.  All dogs look up to you.  All cats look down to you.
Only a pig looks to you as an equal.
@GENERAL= Winston Churchill

Old?  The only thing that kept it standing was the woodworm holding hands.
@ONELINERS= Jerry Dennis

Want to have some fun?  Walk into an antique shop and say, "What's new?"
@ONELINERS= Henny Youngman

When you don't have any money the problem is food.  When you have money,
it's sex.  When you have both, it's health.  If everything is simply jake,
then your frightened of death.
@GENERAL= J P Donleavy

I have a new philosophy.  I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
@ONELINERS= Charles Schulz

... an individual whose appearance was so repulsive I had to have my
mirrors insured.
@GENERAL= Miss Piggy

It is only the shallow people who do not judge by appearances.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

She wore too much rouge last night, and not quite enough clothes.
That's always a sign of despair in a woman.
@GENERAL= Oscar Wilde

With an evening coat and a white tie, anybody, even a stockbroker can
gain a reputation for being civilised.
@GENERAL= Oscar Wilde

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have.  The older she gets,
the more interest he takes in her.
@GENERAL= Agatha Christie

The doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his
clients to plant vines.
@GENERAL= Frank Lloyd Wright

When people are least sure, they are often most dogmatic.
@ONELINERS= J K Galbraith

My sad conviction is that people can only agree about what they are not
really interested in.
@GENERAL= Bertrand Russell

Consistency is a paste jewel that only cheap men cherish.
@ONELINERS= William Allen White

He knew the precise psychological moment when to say nothing.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unreasonable.  There
is something unfair about its use.  It is hitting below the intellect.
@GENERAL= Oscar Wilde

I like talking to a brick wall.  Its the only thing in the world that
never contradicts me.
@GENERAL= Oscal Wilde

There is always more brass than brains in an aristocracy.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

Colonel Cathcart had never hesitated to volunteer his men for any
target available.
@GENERAL= Joseph Heller

The artistic temperament is a disease that affects amateurs.
@ONELINERS= G K Chesterton

The moment you cheat for the sake of beauty, you know you're an artist.
@ONELINERS= Max Jacob

What is sadder than the sight of a lady we admire, admiring a nauseating
picture.
@GENERAL= Logan Pearsall Smith

My dear Tristan, to be an artist at all is like living in Switzerland
during a World War.
@GENERAL= Tom Stoppard

All art is quite useless.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

A true artist takes no notice whatsoever of the public.  The public are to
him non-existent.  He leaves that to the popular novelist.
@GENERAL= Oscar Wilde

No great artist ever sees things as they are.  If he did he would cease
to be an artist.
@GENERAL= Oscar Wilde

She is like most artists; she has style without sincerity.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

Writing about art is like dancing about architecture.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Assassination is an extreme form of censorship.
@ONELINERS= George Bernard Shaw

An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
@ONELINERS= John Buchan

Simon darling, I'm afraid you'll have to speak to the children.  I caught
Tristram believing in God yesterday.
@GENERAL= Marc

... a sheep in sheep's clothing ...
@ONELINERS= Winston Churchill

Charisma?  He did not recognise the word, except as a clue in his Times
crossword.
@GENERAL= James Margach

... reminds me of nothing so much as a dead fish before it has had time
to stiffen.
@GENERAL= George Orwell

The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
@ONELINERS= Allen W Barkley

They made me a present of Mornington crescent.  They threw it a brick at
a time.
@GENERAL= Albert Chevalier

If they liked it, they didn't applaud - they just let you live.
@ONELINERS= Bob Hope

They were really tough - they used to tie their tomatoes on the end
of a yo-yo so they could use them twice.
@GENERAL= Bob Hope

Australian-based:   A person of diminished aspiration who has been
                    successfully bribed with grants and awards to resist
                    the lure of expatriation.
@GENERAL= Barry Humphries

Autobiography is now as common as adultery - and hardly less reprehensible.
@ONELINERS= Lord Altrincham

An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last instalment
missing.
@ONELINERS= Quentin Crisp

Next to the writer of real estate advertisements, the autobiographer
is the most suspect of prose artists.
@GENERAL= Donal Henahan

Nothing I have found is factual, except the bits that sound like fiction.
@ONELINERS= Clive James

I am being frank about myself in this book.  I tell of my first mistake
on page 850.
@GENERAL= Henry Kissenger

When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave
out the bad things you have done - that's Memoirs.
@GENERAL= Will Rogers

Only when one has lost all curiosity about the future has one reached
the age to write an autobiography.
@GENERAL= Evelyn Waugh

I don't deserve this, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
@ONELINERS= Jack Benny (about accepting an award)

Nobel prize money is a lifebelt thrown to a swimmer who has already
reached the shore in safety.
@GENERAL= George Bernard Shaw

Training a child is more or less a matter of pot luck.
@ONELINERS= Rod Maclean

A bachelor never makes the same mistake once.
@ONELINERS= Anon

She was another one of his near Mrs.
@ONELINERS= Alfred McFote

A banker is a man who lends you an umbrella when the weather
is fair, and takes it away from you when it rains.
@GENERAL= Anon

If people don't want to come to the ball park, nobody's going to
stop them.
@GENERAL= Yogi Berra

After a degree of prettiness, one pretty girl is as pretty as another.
@GENERAL= F. Scott Fitzgerald.

One good turn gets most of the blanket.
@ONELINERS= Anon (about bed.)

It was such a lovely day, I thought it was a pity to get up.
@ONELINERS= W Somerset Maugham

To be natural is such a very difficult pose to keep up.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

Any stigma is good enough to beat a dogma with.
@ONELINERS= Phillip Guedalla

And how can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught
in the roller of an electric typewriter.
@GENERAL= Woody Allen

He will be as great as a curse to this country in peace as he was
a squalid nuisance in time of war.
@GENERAL= Winston Churchill

Bigamy is having one wife too many.  Monogamy is the same thing.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Q: If I married two women, would that be bigamy?
A: It would be very big of you.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Sex is only a pain in the arse if you miss
@SEX= Anon

The meek may inherit the world - but not its mineral rights.
@ONELINERS= J P Getty

Nothing is illegal if a hundred businessmen decide to do it.
@ONELINERS= Andrew Young

HE:    Every morning, I'd be down in the park and then I'd feed the pigeons.
SHE:   What do you feed them?  Popcorn?
HE:    No.  Every morning I'd go down to this park and I'd feed the pigeons.
       To my cat.
@GENERAL= Tom Hendra and Michael O'Donoghue

When I was born I was surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.
@ONELINERS= Gracie Allen

To my embarrassment I was born in a bed with a lady.
@GENERAL= Wilson Mizner

Congratulations, we knew you had it in you.
@GENERAL= Dorothy Parker (on birth)

My girlfriend just found out she's been taking aspirin instead of
the pill.  Well, at least she doesn't have a headache - but I do.
@SEX= Anon

The pill came to market and changed the sexual and real-estate habits
of millions; Motel chains were created to serve them.
@SEX= Herbert Gold

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
@SEX= Spike Milligan

YOUNG GIRL (to doctor): Have I had any side effects from the pill?
DOCTOR: ... Only promiscuity!
@SEX= Don Orehek

I can't understand why more people aren't bisexual.  It would double
your chances for a date on Saturday night.
@SEX= Woody Allen

When you're as great as I am, it's hard to be humble.
@ONELINERS= Muhammed Ali

If only I had a little humility, I would be perfect.
@ONELINERS= Ted Turner

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book.  I'll waste no time
in reading it.
@GENERAL= Anon

You can't help liking the managing director - if you don't, he fires you.
@ONELINERS= Anon

I don't want any Yes-men around me.  I want everyone to tell me the truth
even if it costs them their jobs.
@GENERAL= Samuel Goldwyn

I've just returned from Boston.  It is the only thing to do if you find
yourself up there.
@GENERAL= Fred Allen

He floats like an anchor and stings like a moth.
@ONELINERS= Ray Gandalf

I was the only fighter in Cleveland who wore rear-view mirrors
@ONELINERS= Bob Hope

ERIC :  I was a pretty handy fighter in my youth.  I could lick any man
        with one hand...
ERNIE : Really?
ERIC  : Yes.  Unfortunately, I could never find anyone with one hand who
        wanted a fight.
@GENERAL= Eric Morecambe & Ernie Wise

The brain is a wonderful organ.  It starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.
@GENERAL= Robert Frost

The critical period in matrimony is breakfast-time.
@ONELINERS= A. P. Herbert

Anyone who lives within his means suffers from a lack of imagination.
@ONELINERS= Lionel Stander

Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss or Mr and Mrs Daneeka,
    Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your
husband,son, father or brother was killed, wounded or reported missed in
action.
@GENERAL= Joseph Heller

If your parents didn't have children then there is a 90% chance that
you won't.
@ONELINERS= IAN BROWNE

I've got a memory for faces, but in this case I'll make an exception.
@ONELINERS= GROUCHO MARX

HOSTESS: Are you enjoying yourself?
OSCAR:   I have to - there's nothing else to enjoy.
@GENERAL= OSCAR WILDE

LADY:     If I were your wife then I'd put poison in your coffee.
WINSTON:  If I were your husband, I'd drink it.
@GENERAL= WINSTON CHURCHILL

Real programmers don't write specifications -- users should consider
themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Real programmers don't document their code.  If it was hard to write, it
should be hard to understand.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Real programmers don't write applications programs.  They program right
to the bare metal.  Applications programming is for FEEBS who can't do
systems programming.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Real programmers don't eat quiche.  In fact, real programmers don't know
how to spell quiche.  They eat twinkies and Szechan food
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Real programmers don't write in COBOL.  COBOL is for wimpy applications
programmers.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Real programmer's programs never work right first time.  But if you throw
them on the machine they can be patched into working order in "only a few"
30 hour debugging sessions.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN.  FORTRAN is for pipe-stress freaks
and crystallography weenies.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Real programmers never work 9 to 5.  If any real programmers are around
at 9am its because they were up all night.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Real programmers don't write in BASIC.  Actually, no programmers write in
BASIC, after the age of 12.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Real programmers don't write in PL/I.  PL/I is for programmers who can't
decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Real programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you
to change clothes.  Mountain climbing is Ok, and real programmers wear
their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up
in the middle of the machine room.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Real programmers don't document.  Documentation is for simps who can't
read the listings or the object code.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Real programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any other of
those pinko computer science languages.  Strong typing is for people with
weak memories.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Real Programmers do List Processing in FORTRAN.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Real Programmers do String Manipulation in FORTRAN.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Real Programmers do Accounting (if they do it at all) in FORTRAN.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Real Programmers do Artificial Intelligence programs in FORTRAN.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

If you can't do it in FORTRAN, do it in Assembly Language.  If you can't
do it in Assembly, it isn't worth doing.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Real Programmers can write five-page-long DO loops without getting confused
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Real Programmers like arithmetic IF statements -- they make the code more
interesting.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Real Programmers write self-modifying code, especially if they can save
20 nanoseconds in the middle of a tight loop.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Real Programmers don't need comments -- the code is obvious.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the corner of the kitchen
talking about Operating System security, and how to get around it.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing the plays
against his simulations printed on 11" by 14" fanfold paper.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one doodling machine code into
the sand.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying "Poor George, And he
almost had the Sort Routine working before the coronary."
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

In a Grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who insists on running
the cans past the laser checkout scanner himself, because he could never
trust keypunch operators to get it right first time.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

No Real Programmer works 9:00 to 5:00 (unless it's 9:00pm to 5:00am).
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Real Programmers don't wear neckties.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Real Programmers don't wear high-heel shoes.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

The Real Programmer may or may not know his wife's name.  He always knows
the entire ASCII (or EBCDIC) code table by heart, however.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Real Programmers don't know how to cook.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Real Programmers work for Los Alamos National Laboratory, writing atomic
bomb simulations to run on Cray I supercomputers.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Real Programmers work for the National Security Agency, decoding Russian
Transmissions.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

It was largely due to the efforts of thousands of Real Programmers working
for NASA that our boys got to the moon and back before the Russkies.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Real Programmers are at work for Boeing designing the operating systems
for cruise missiles.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Beginner:    Insecure with the concept of a terminal.
             Has yet to learn the basics of 'vi'.
             Has not figured out how to get a directory.
             Still has trouble typing <RETURN> after each line of input.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Novice:      Knows that 'ls' will produce a directory.
             Uses the editor but calls it 'vye'.
             Has heard of C, but never used it.
             Has had his first bad experience with 'rm'.
             Is wondering how to read his mail.
             Wonders why the person next to him seems to like UNIX so much.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

User:      Uses 'vi' and 'nroff', but inexpertly.
           Has heard of regular expressions, but never seen one.
           Has figured out that '-' precedes options.
           Attempted to write a C program and decided to stick with PASCAL.
           Is wondering how to move a directory.
           Thinks that 'dbx' is a brand of stereo component.
           Knows how to read his mail and wondering how to read the news.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Knowledgeable:  uses 'nroff' with no trouble,
                and is beginning to learn 'tbl' and 'eqn'.
                Uses 'grep' to search for fixed strings.
                Has figured out that 'mv' will move directories.
                Has learned that 'learn' doesn't help somebody.
                Has shown him how to write C programs.
                Once used 'sed' to do some text substitutions.
                Has seen 'dbx'.
                Thinks that 'make' is only for wimps.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Expert:         Uses 'sed' when necessary.
                Uses macro's in 'vi'.
                Uses 'ex' when necessary.
                Posts news at every possible opportunity.
                Writes 'csh' scripts occasionally.
                Writes C programs using 'vi' and compiles with 'cc'.
                Has figured out what '&&' and '||' are for.
                Thinks that human history started with '!h'
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Hacker:         Uses 'sed' and 'awk' with comfort.
                Uses undocumented features of 'vi'.
                Writes C code with 'cat >' and compiles with  '!cc'.
                Uses 'adb' because he doesn't trust source debuggers.
                Can answer questions about the user environment.
                Writes his own 'nroff' macros to supplement standard ones.
                Writes scripts for the Bourne shell.
                Knows how to install bug fixes.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

guru:    Uses 'm4' and 'lex' with comfort.
         Writes assembly code with 'cat >'.
         Uses 'adb' on the kernel.
         When the system is loaded customises utilities by patching source.
         Reads device driver source with his breakfast.
         Can answer any UNIX question after a little thought.
         Uses 'make' for anything having two or more distinct commands.
         Has learned how to breach security but no longer needs to try.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

wizard:     Writes device drivers with 'cat >'.
            Fixes bugs by patching the binaries.
            Can answer questions before you ask them.
            Writes his own 'troff' macro packages.
            Is on a first-name basis with Ken, Dennis and Bill.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
@COMPUTERS= Steve Woodford

BROOK'S LAW: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
@LAWS= Steve Woodford

LAWS OF COMPUTERDOM ACCORDING TO GOLUB:
    (1) Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the embarrassment of
        estimating the corresponding costs.
    (2) A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete
        than expected; a carefully planned project takes only twice as long
    (3) The effort required to correct course increases geometrically
        with time.
@LAWS= Steve Woodford

LUBARSKY'S LAW OF CYBERNETIC ENTOMOLOGY: There is always one more bug.
@LAWS= Steve Woodford

SHAW'S PRINCIPLE: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool
will want to use it.
@LAWS= Steve Woodford

OSBORN'S LAW: Variables won't; constants aren't.
@LAWS= Steve Woodford

1 + 1 (=) 2, where (=) is the mathematical symbol for hardly ever.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

A patent application will be preceded by one week by a similar application
made by an independent worker.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

The more innocuous a design change appears, the further its influence will
extend.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

All warranty and guarantee clauses become void upon payment of invoice.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

The necessity of making a major design change increases as the fabrication
of the system approaches completion.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

Firmness of delivery dates is inversely proportional to the tightness of
the schedule.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable terms.
Velocity, for example will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

An important instruction manual or operating manual will have been
discarded by the receiving department.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

Suggestions made by the value analysis group will increase costs and reduce
capabilities.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

Original drawings will be mangled by the copying machine.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

In any given miscalculation, the fault will never be placed if more than
one person is involved.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

Any error that can creep in, will. It will be in the direction that will
do the most damage to the calculation.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

All constants are variables.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

A decimal will always be misplaced.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

In any given computation, the figure that is most obviously correct will
be the source of error.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

In a complex calculation, one factor from the numerator will always move
into the denominator.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

Any wire cut to length will be too short.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

Tolerances will accumulate undirectionally toward maximum difficulty of
assembly.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

Identical units tested under identical conditions will not be identical
in the field.
@LAWS= Murhpy's law

The availability of a component is inversely proportional to the need for
that component.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

If a project requires n components, there will be n-1 units in stock.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

If a particular resistance is needed, that value will not be available.
Further, it cannot be developed with any available series or parallel
combinations.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

A dropped tool will land where it can do the most damage. (Also known as
the law of selective gravitation.)
@LAWS= Murphy's law

A device selected at random from a group having 99% reliability, will be
a member of the 1% group.
@LAWS= Murhpy's law

When one connects a 3-phase line, the phase sequence will be wrong.
@LAWS= Murhpy's law

A motor will rotate in the wrong direction.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

The probability of a dimension being omitted from a plan or drawing is
directly proportional to its importance.
@LAWS= Murhpy's law

Interchangeable parts won't.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

Probability of failure of a component, assembly, subsystem or system is
inversely proportional to ease of repair or replacement.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

If a prototype functions perfectly, subsequent production units will
malfunction.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

Components that must not and cannot be assembled improperly will be.
@LAWS= Murhpy's law

A d.c. meter will be used on an overly sensitive range and will be wired
in backwards.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

The most delicate component will drop.
@LAWS= Murhpy's law

Graphics recorders will deposit more ink on humans than on paper.
@LAWS= Murhpy's law

If a circuit cannot fail, it will.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

An instantaneous power-supply crowbar circuit will operate too late.
@LAWS= Murhpy's law

A self-starting oscillator won't.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

A crystal oscillator will oscillate at the wrong frequency...
...If it oscillates.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

A pnp transistor will be an npn.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

A zero-temperature-coefficient capacitor used in a critical circuit will
have a TC of -750/oC
@LAWS= Murphy's law

A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

A purchased component or instrument will meet its specs long enough, and
long enough, to pass incoming inspection.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

A specified environmental conditions will always be exceeded.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

Any safety factor set as a result of practical experience will be exceeded.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

Manufacturer's spec sheets will be incorrect by a factor of 0.5 or 2.0,
depending on which multiplier gives the most optimistic value. For
salesmen's claims these factors will be 0.1 or 10.0.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

In an instrument of device characterized by a number of plus-or-minus
errors, the total error will be the sum of all errors adding in the same
direction.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

In any given price estimate, cost of equipment will exceed estimate by a
factor of 3.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
@LAWS= Murphy's law

IN california, everyone either goes to a therapist, is a therapist, or is
a therapist going to a therapist.
@GENERAL= Truman Capotte

Cannibals are not vegetarians.  They are humanitarians.
@ONELINERS= Anon

These ferocious cannibals captured a poor missionary.  He gave them their
first taste of religion.
@GENERAL= Anon

A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.
@ONELINERS= Jack Benny

We've got a cat called Ben Hur.  We called it Ben till it had kittens.
@ONELINERS= Sally Poplin

To be a celebrity in America is to be forgiven everything.
@ONELINERS= Mary McGrory

A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends
more than two hours working on his hair.
@GENERAL= Steve Martin

I hate champagne more than anything else in the world next to Seven-Up
@ONELINERS= Elain Dundy

All charming people have something to conceal.  Usually their total
dependence on the appreciation of others.
@GENERAL= Cyril Connolly

A beauty is a woman you notice.  A charmer is a woman who notices you.
@ONELINERS= Aldai Stevenson

Chastity is curable, if detected early.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.
@ONELINERS= Badge

I never met a kid I liked.
@ONELINERS= W C Fields

There's not a man in america who at one time or another hasn't had a secret
desire to boot a child in the ass.
@GENERAL= W C Fields

All God's children are not beautiful.  Most of God's children are in fact,
barely presentable.
@GENERAL= Fran Leowitz

Never allow your child to call you by your first name.  He hasn't known
you long enough.
@GENERAL= Fran Lebowitz

Do your kids a favour - don't have any.
@ONELINERS= Robert Orben

The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger
pain the second time around.
@GENERAL= Herb Caen

Christmas comes, but once a year is enough.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Go to church this Sunday - avoid the Christmas rush.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

He was married to an acrobat, but she caught him in the act.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Hygiene is the corruption of medicine by morality.
@ONELINERS= H L MenckeN

Have I got a mother-in-law. she's so neat she puts paper under the
cuckoo clock.
@GENERAL= Henny Youngman

Never wear anything that panics the cat.
@ONELINERS= P.J.O'Rourke (on Womens clothes)

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
@ONELINERS= Dorothy Parker

A well-tied tie is the first in life.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

The only way to atone for being occasionally a little over-dressed is by
being always absolutely over-dressed.
@GENERAL= Oscar Wilde

Any club that would accept me as a member, I wouldn't want to join.
@ONELINERS= Groucho Marx

Comedy, like sodomy, is an unnatural act.
@ONELINERS= Marty Feldman

Committees: A group that takes minutes and wastes hours.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

A group of the unfit appointed by the unwilling to do the necessary.
@ONELINERS= Carl C. Byers

We always carry out by committee anything in which any of us alone could
be to reasonable to persist.
@GENERAL= Frank Moore Colby

To get something done a committee should consist of no more than three
men, two of whom are absent.
@GENERAL= Robert Copeland

Committee work is like a soft chair...
...easy to get into but hard to get out of.
@GENERAL= Kenneth J.Shively

A communist is one who has nothing and wishes to share it with the world.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A communist is a socialist without a sense of humour.
@ONELINERS= George Cutton

Communism might be likened to a race in  which all competitors come in
first with no prizes.
@GENERAL= Lord Inchcape

Communism is the opiate of the intellectuals.
@ONELINERS= Clare Booth Luce

The objection to a communist always resolves itself into the fact that he
is not a gentleman.
@GENERAL= H.l.Mencken

Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work.
@ONELINERS= Will Rogers

Bloke at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China.
That's right to China.  Fantastic.  He's out there now trying to win a
trip back!
@GENERAL= Jerry Dennis

Ah! Mozart. He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
@ONELINERS= Victor Borge

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
@ONELINERS= Anon

My computing dating bureau came up with a perfect gentleman.  Still, I've
got another three goes.
@ONELINERS= Sally Poplin

The one way sure to conciliate a tiger to allow oneself to be devoured
@ONELINERS= Konrad Adenauer

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile hoping it will eat him last.
@ONELINERS= Winston Churchill

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing,
but together can decide that nothing can be done.
@GENERAL= Fred Allen

Conistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

With congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they
make a law it's a joke.
@GENERAL= Will Rogers

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. and suppose you were a member of
congress. But I repeat myself.
@GENERAL= Mark Twain

Conscience gets alot of credit that belongs to cold feet.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Conscience:    Something that feels terrible when every thing else feels
               swell.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

The Nonconformist conscience makes of us all.
@ONELINERS= Max Beerbohm

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone may be looking.
@ONELINERS= H.L.Mencken

Conscience the still small voice that makes you feel still smaller.
@ONELINERS= James A.Sanaker

Conscience and cowardice are really the same.  Conscience is the trade
name of the firm.
@GENERAL= Oscar Wilde

It is a bizarre biological fact that the Conservative Party can be directed
along a sensible left-wing path only by a leader with impeccable
aristocratic connections.
@GENERAL= Humphrey Berkely

Tories are not always wrong, but they always wrong at the right moment.
@ONELINERS= Lady Violet Bonham Carter

The Conservative Party is an organized hypocrisy.
@ONELINERS= Benjamin Disraeli

They are nothing else but a bunch of kippers - two-faced with no guts
@ONELINERS= Eric Heffer

The trouble with the Conservative Party is that it has not turned the clock
back a single second.
@GENERAL= Evelyn Waugh

A conservative is someone who admires the radicals a century after
they're dead.
@GENERAL= Anon

When a nation's young men are conservative, its funeral bell is already
rung.
@GENERAL= Henry Ward Beecher

A conservative is someone who demands a square deal for the rich.
@ONELINERS= David Frost

A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
@ONELINERS= Elbert Hubbard

A conservative is someone who believes in reform.  But not now.
@ONELINERS= Mort Sahl

The radical invents the views.  When he has worn them out, the conservative
adopts them.
@GENERAL= Mark Twain

A verbal agreement isn't worth the paper it's written on.
@ONELINERS= Louis B Mayer

Contract: An agreement that is only binding on the weaker party.
@WORDS= Frederick Sawyer

The opposite of talking isn't listening.  The opposite of talking is
waiting.
@GENERAL= Fran Lebowitz

Where there's smoke, there's toast.
@ONELINERS= Anon

My wife does wonderful things with leftovers - she throws them out.
@ONELINERS= Herb Shriner

She was a lovely girl.  Our courtship was fast and furious - I was fast
and she was furious.
@GENERAL= Max Kauffmann

IN GOD WE TRUST: Others pay cash.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Some people will believe anything if you whisper it to them.
@ONELINERS= Louis B Nizer

It's a funny kind of month, October.  For the really keen cricket fan,
it's when you discover that your wife left you in May.
@GENERAL= Denis Norden

A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself.
@ONELINERS= Anon

I have never found in a long experience of politics that criticism is ever
inhibited by ignorance.
@GENERAL= Harold Macmillan

I critic is a bunch of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
@ONELINERS= Witney Balliett

Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back legs together.
@ONELINERS= Mel Brooks

A drama critic is a person who surprises the playwright by informing him
what he meant.
@GENERAL= Wilson Mizner

A critic is a man who knows the way, but can't drive the car.
@ONELINERS= Kenneth Tynan

What's a cult?  It just means not enough people to make a minority.
@ONELINERS= Rodds

If it was a bet, you wouldn't take it.
@ONELINERS= Tom Stoppard

Most women loathe limericks, for the same reason that calves hate
cookbooks.
@GENERAL= Gershon Legman

He knew everything about literature, except how to enjoy it.
@ONELINERS= Joseph Heller

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read, and nobody wants
to read.
@ONELINERS= Mark Twain

I don't know what London's coming to.  The higher the buildings, the lower
the morals.
@ONELINERS= Noel Coward

When it's three O'clock in New York, it's still 1938 in London.
@ONELINERS= Bette Midler

Men seldom make passes
At girls who wear glasses.
@GENERAL= Dorothy Parker

Love ... the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and
discovering she looks like a haddock.
@GENERAL= John Barrymore

Love is like the measles - all the worse when it comes late in life.
@GENERAL= Douglas Jerrold

Love is the only dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the
species.
@GENERAL= W Somerset Maugham

Love is like war: easy to begin, but very hard to stop.
@ONELINERS= H L Mencken

Scratch a lover and find a foe.
@ONELINERS= Dorothy Parker

Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache
@ONELINERS= Mae West

Never drink black coffee at lunch.
It will keep you awake in the afternoon.
@GENERAL= Jilly Cooper

Marriage is not a word but a sentence.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Marriage is the price men pay for sex, sex is the price women pay for
marriage.
@GENERAL= Anon

A man's friends like him but leave him as he is: his wife loves him and
is always trying to turn him into somebody else.
@GENERAL= G K Chesterton

Marriage is a great institution - no family should be without it.
@ONELINERS= Bob Hope

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married.  And by then it
was too late.
@GENERAL= Max Kauffmann

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason - there's a reason.
@ONELINERS= Molly McGee

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
@ONELINERS= Mae West

The first part of our marriage was very happy.  But then, on the way back
from the ceremony...
@GENERAL= Henny Youngman

Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability.
@ONELINERS= George Bernard Shaw

When it comes to paying, he's the first to put his hand in his pocket.
And leave it there.
@GENERAL= Anon

A minor operation: one performed on somebody else.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

I met Curzon in Downing Street from whom I got the sort of greeting
a corpse would give to an undertaker.
@GENERAL= Stanley Baldwin

Meetings are indispensable when you don't want to do anything.
@ONELINERS= J K Galbraith

Meetings ... are rather like cocktail parties.  You don't want to go,
but you're angry not to be asked.
@GENERAL= Jilly Cooper

I have a memory like an elephant.  In fact, elephants often consult me.
@ONELINERS= Noel Coward

Men have a much better time of it than women;
for one thing they marry later;
for another thing they die earlier.
@GENERAL= H L Mencken

I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery.  I insist on
believing that some men are my equals.
@GENERAL= Brigid Brophy

I'd never seen men hold each other.  I thought the only thing they were
allowed to do was shake hands or fight.
@GENERAL= Rita Mae Brown

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness,
can be trained to do most things.
@GENERAL= Jilly Cooper

Macho does not prove Mucho.
@ONELINERS= Zsa Zsa Gabor

I require only three things of a man.  He must be handsome, ruthless and
stupid.
@ONELINERS= Dorothy Parker

I like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign.
@ONELINERS= Mae West

It's not the men in my life that count; it's the life in my men.
@ONELINERS= Mae West.

Give a woman an inch and she thinks she's a ruler.
@ONELINERS= Stars and Stripes

On one issue at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.
@ONELINERS= H L Mencken

Boys don't make passes at female smart-asses.
@ONELINERS= Letty Cottin Pogrebin

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

Men play the game; women know the score.
@ONELINERS= Roger Woddis

Middle age is when we can do just as much as ever - but would rather not.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Middle age is whenever you go on holiday you pack a sweater.
@ONELINERS= Denis Norden

Calamities are of two kinds: Misfortune to ourselves and good fortune to
others.
@ONELINERS= Ambrose Bierce

A missionary is a person who teaches cannibals to say grace before they
eat him.
@ONELINERS= Anon

All wrong-doing is done in the sincere belief that it is the best
thing to do.
@GENERAL= Arnold Bennet

Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from
the noblest of motives.
@GENERAL= Oscar Wilde

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an
alternative.
@GENERAL= Henry Kissenger

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times.  I can remember when
the air was clean and sex was dirty.
@GENERAL= George Burns

Modesty is the art of encouraging people to find out for themselves how
wonderful you are.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
@ONELINERS= J K Galbraith

A modest man is usually admired - if people ever hear of him.
@ONELINERS= Edgar Watson Howe

Money isn't everything: usually it isn't even enough.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
@ONELINERS= Woody Allen

All right, so I like spending money!  But name one other extravagance.
@ONELINERS= Max Kauffmann

Money is a sixth sense without which you cannot make use of the other five.
@ONELINERS= W Somerset Maugham

Money can't buy friends but you can get a better class of enemy.
@ONELINERS= Spike Milligan

Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

We know of no spectacle so ridiculous as the British public in one of its
periodical fits of morality.
@GENERAL= Thomas Macaulay

Morality consists in suspecting other people of not being legally married.
@ONELINERS= George Bernard Shaw

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
@ONELINERS= H G Wells

A man who moralises is usually a hypocrite, and a woman who moralizes is
invariably plain.
@GENERAL= Oscar Wilde

Morality is the attitude we adopt to people whom we personally dislike.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven thirty in the
morning feeling just plain terrible.
@GENERAL= Jean Kerr

Never marry a man who hates his mother because he'll end up hating you.
@ONELINERS= Jill Bennet

No woman can shake off her mother.  There should be no mothers, only women.
@ONELINERS= George Bernard Shaw

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months - I don't like
to interrupt her.
@GENERAL= Ken Dodd

I only know two tunes.  One of them is 'Yankee Doodle' and the other isn't.
@ONELINERS= Ulysees S Grant

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
@ONELINERS= Kin Hubbard

Music is essentially useless, as life is.
@ONELINERS= George Santayana

I wish the Government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent.
@ONELINERS= Edith Sitwell

Marie-Joseph?  It's a lovely name!  It just sounds silly, that's all.
@ONELINERS= Dame Edna Everage

Now why did you name your baby 'John'?  Every Tom, Dick and Harry is named
'John'.
@ONELINERS= Sam Goldwyn

When a man tells me he's going to put all his cards on the table, I always
look up his sleeve.
@ONELINERS= Lore Hore-Belisha

We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road.  They
get run over.
@ONELINERS= Aneurin Bevan

An independent is a guy who wants to take the politics out of politics.
@ONELINERS= Adlai Stevenson

It's not the world that's got so much worse but the news coverage that's
got so much better.
@ONELINERS= G K Chesterton

News: Anything that makes a woman say, 'For heaven's sake!'
@ONELINERS= Edgar Watson Howe

No News Is Preferable.
@ONELINERS= Fran Lebowitz

I keep reading between the lies.
@ONELINERS= Goodman Ace

I read the newspaper avidly.  It is my one form of continuous fiction.
@ONELINERS= Aneurin Bevan

I love the weight of American Sunday Newspaper
@ONELINERS= Bert Altman

My son has taken up doing meditation - at least it's better than sitting
doing nothing.
@GENERAL= Max Kauffmann

One of the basic freedoms of the Englishman is freedom from culture.
@ONELINERS= Lord Goodman

Culture is roughly anything we do and the monkeys don't.
@ONELINERS= Lord Raglan

Cynicism - the intellectual cripple's substitute for intelligence.
@ONELINERS= Russel Lynes

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
@ONELINERS= H L Mencken

It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake
@ONELINERS= H L Mencken

Dancing is the perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Death is the greatest kick of all - that's why they save it till last.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it
happens.
@ONELINERS= Woody Allen

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily
lying down.
@ONELINERS= Woody Allen

If my doctor told me I only had six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood.
I'd type a little faster.
@GENERAL= Isaac Asimov

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone
calls taper off.
@GENERAL= Johnny Carson

Few men by their death have given such deep satisfaction to so many.
@ONELINERS= William Connor

I am ready to meet my maker.  Whether my maker is prepared for the ordeal
of meeting me is another matter.
@GENERAL= Winston Churchill

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
@ONELINERS= Groucho Marx

You haven't lived until you've died in california.
@ONELINERS= Mort Sahl

Eternity is a terrible thought.  I mean, where's it going to end?
@ONELINERS= Tom Stoppard

I did not attend his funeral; but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved
of it.
@ONELINERS= Mark Twain

The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.
@ONELINERS= Mark Twain

A decision is what a man makes when he cannot get anyone to serve on a
committee.
@ONELINERS= Fletcher Knebel

All our final decisions are made in a state of mind that is not going
to last.
@GENERAL= Marcel Proust

Democracy means government by discussion but it is only effective if you
can stop people talking.
@GENERAL= Clement Attlee

Democracy consists of choosing your dictators after they've told you what
you want to hear.
@GENERAL= Alan Coren

One fifth of the people are against everything all the time.
@ONELINERS= Robert Kennedy

Democracy is too goo to share with just anybody.
@ONELINERS= Nigel Rees

Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we
deserve.
@GENERAL= George Bernard Shaw

I belong to no organized party - I am a democrat.
@ONELINERS= Will Rogers

Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
@GENERAL= Will Stanton

In this world there are only two tragedies.  One is not getting what one
wants and the other is getting it.
@GENERAL= Oscar Wilde

He's turned his life around.  He used to be depressed and miserable.
Now he's miserable and depressed.
@GENERAL= David Frost

I never travel without my diary.  One should always have something
sensational to read in the train.
@GENERAL= Oscar Wilde

Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A really busy person never knows how much he ways.
@ONELINERS= Edgar Watson Howe

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen
days I lost two weeks.
@GENERAL= Joe E Lewis

My wife is on a diet.  Coconuts and bananas.  She hasn't lost any weight,
but can she climb a tree?!
@GENERAL= Henny Youngman

Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
@WORDS= Ambrose Bierce

A diplomat is a man who thinks twice before saying nothing.
@ONELINERS= Frederick Sawyer

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his
success.
@GENERAL= Jim Backus

The happiest time of anyone's life is just after the first divorce.
@ONELINERS= John Kenneth Galbraith

My doctor is wonderful.  Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an
operation, he touched up the X-Rays.
@GENERAL= Joey Bishop

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love
yourself.
@ONELINERS= Josh Billings

The quickest way to make your own anti-freeze is to hide her nightie.
@ONELINERS= Anon

People who insist on telling their dreams are among the terrors of the
breakfast table.
@GENERAL= Max Beerbohm

One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I'm having a
good time.
@GENERAL= Nancy Astor

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded.  Trouble is, I can't
remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
@GENERAL= George Burns

A woman drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her.
@ONELINERS= W C Fields.

A man is never drunk if he can lay his hands on the floor without
holding on.
@GENERAL= Joe E Lewis

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

The dodo is a bird which almost decent by now.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put
the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

The process of converting steam back to water is called conversation.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are
talking about.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of
the bull.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a
great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

We believe that the reptiles come from the amphibians by spontaneous
generation and study of rocks.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long haired sheep.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

If conditions are not favourable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
perspire.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures
another individual by accident.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscence
triangle.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in
the winter.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

It is a well known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human brains have more
convulsions.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

For fainting:
Rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

For fractures:
To see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

For dog bite:
Put the dog away for several days.  If he has not recovered, then kill it.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

For nose bleed:  put the nose much lower than the body.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

For drowning:
Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial
perspiration.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

For head colds:
Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops your throat.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

For snakebites:
Bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

For asphyiation:
Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative
or negative.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and
west poles.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

When water freezes you can walk on it.  That is what Christ did long ago
in wintertime.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
@EXAMS= Science exam paper

His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open.
@ONELINERS= Howard Hughes

The best number for a dinner party is two.  Myself and a damn good head
waiter.
@GENERAL= Nubar Gulbenkian

Seeing is deceiving.  It's eating that's believing.
@ONELINERS= James Thurber

If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
@ONELINERS= Herbert Hoover

If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.
@ONELINERS= George Bernard Shaw

It's a recession when you're neighbour loses his job.  It's a depression
when you lose your own.
@GENERAL= Harry S Truman

Save Water, Shower With A Friend
@ONELINERS= Badge

Saving is a fine thing.  Especially when your parents have done it for
you.
@ONELINERS= Winston Churchill

Education ... has produced a vast population able to read but unable to
distinguish what is worth reading.
@GENERAL= G M Trevelyan

Egotist: A person more interested in himself than me.
@WORDS= Amborose Bierce

If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.
@ONELINERS= Badge

Vote for the man who promises least.  He'll be the least disappointing.
@ONELINERS= Bernard M Baruch

Man is the only animal that blushes.  Or needs to.
@ONELINERS= Mark Twain

Love your enemy - it'll drive him nuts.
@ONELINERS= Anon

He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him.
@ONELINERS= Eddie Cantor

The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest
about it.
@GENERAL= James Agee

The English may not like music, but they absolutely love the noise it makes.
@ONELINERS= Sir Thomas Beecham

In England, failure is all the rage.
@ONELINERS= Quentin Crisp

The English think incompetence is the same thing as sincerity.
@ONELINERS= Quentin Crisp

An englishman is a man who lives on an island in the North Sea governed
by Scotsmen.
@GENERAL= Phillip Guedella

If it is good to have one foot in England, it is still better, or at least
as good, to have the other out of it.
@GENERAL= Henry James

An Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one.
@ONELINERS= George Mikes

Deploring change is the unchangeable habit of all Englishmen
@ONELINERS= Raymond Postgate

I don't desire to change anything in England except the weather.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

I did a picture in England one winter and it was so cold I almost got
married.
@GENERAL= Shelly Winters

I have nothing to declare except my genius.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

Inequality is as dear to the American heart as liberty itself.
@ONELINERS= W D Howells

All men are born equal, but quite a few eventually get over it.
@ONELINERS= Lord Mancroft

All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.
@ONELINERS= George Orwell

Variety is the life if spies.
@ONELINERS= Anon

An ethical man is a Christian holding four aces.
@ONELINERS= Mark Twain

Social tact is making your company feel al home, even though you wish They
were.
@GENERAL= Anon

No matter if your food is dry or it's oily, it's sure to look better when
placed on a doily.
@GENERAL= Ron Barret

Tact consists in knowing how far to go too far.
@ONELINERS= Jean Cocteau

Gentlemen do not throw wine at the ladies.  They pour it over them.
@ONELINERS= Auberon Waugh

Manners are especially the need of the plain.  The pretty can get away
with anything.
@GENERAL= Evelyn Waugh

'I suppose it would be a breach of hospitality if I socked my hostess's
sister in the eye?'
@GENERAL= P G Woodhouse

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
@ONELINERS= Mae West

Several excuses are always less convincing than one.
@ONELINERS= Aldous Huxley

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
@ONELINERS= Fred Allen

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.
@GENERAL= Erma Bombeck

His eyes are so bad, he has to wear contact lenses to see his glasses.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Met a guy this morning with a glass eye.  He didn't tell me - it just came
out in the conversation.
@GENERAL= Jerry Dennis

He had but one eye and the popular prejudice runs in favour of two.
@ONELINERS= Charles Dickens

A face like a wedding cake left out in the rain..
@ONELINERS= Anon

The trouble with facts is that there are so many of them.
@ONELINERS= Samuel McChord Crothers

There is much to be said for failure.  It is more interesting than success.
@ONELINERS= Max Beerbohm

The poor man.  He's completely unspoiled by failure.
@ONELINERS= Noel Coward

Failure has gone to his head.
@ONELINERS= Wilson Mizner

We women adore failures.  They lean on us.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

We have not lost faith, but we have transferred it from god to the medical
profession.
@GENERAL= George Bernard Shaw

Scepticism is the beginning of faith.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

The Falklands war was a quarrel between two bald men over a comb.
@ONELINERS= Jorge Luis Borges

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known,
then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.
@GENERAL= Fred Allen

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I
couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
@GENERAL= Robert Benchley

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations
officers.
@GENERAL= Daniel Boorstin

There is a lot to be said for not being known to the readers of the Daily
Mirror.
@GENERAL= Anthony Burgess

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette
packet.
@ONELINERS= Billy Connolly

I'm famous.  That's my job.
@ONELINERS= Jerry Rubin

In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes.
@ONELINERS= Andy Warhol

The families of one's friends are always a disappointment.
@ONELINERS= Norman Douglas

A good farmer is nothing more nor less than a handy man with a sense
of humus.
@ONELINERS= E B White

Fashion: There'll be little change in men's pockets this year.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style.  It will look just
as ridiculous year after year.
@GENERAL= Fred allen

Unseen, in the background, Fate was quietly slipping the lead into the
boxing glove.
@GENERAL= P G Woodhouse

To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid,
don't look at it for the first two years.
@GENERAL= Ernest Hemingway

The fundamental defect of fathers is that they want their children to be
a credit to them.
@GENERAL= Bertrand Russel

A woman who strives to be like a man lacks ambition.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

A woman's work is never done by men.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

How much fame, money, and power does a woman have to achieve on her own
before you can punch her in the face?
@GENERAL= P J O'Rourke

Boy's don't make passes at female smart asses.
@ONELINERS= Letty Cottin Pogrebin

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
@ONELINERS= Gloria Steinham (On feminism)

Her husband is so bow-legged, she has to iron his underpants on
a boomerang.
@ONELINERS= Anon

All you need to be a fisherman is patience and a worm.
@ONELINERS= Herb Shriner

Flattery must be pretty thick before anybody. objects to it.
@ONELINERS= William Feather

What really flatters a man is that you think him worth flattering.
@ONELINERS= George Bernard Shaw

Flirt: A woman who thinks it's every man for herself.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

She's been on more laps than a napkin
@ONELINERS= Walter Winchell

Flying? I've been to almost as many places as my luggage!
@ONELINERS= Bob Hope

If God had intended us to fly, he would never have given us railways.
@ONELINERS= Michael Flanders

I never worry about the place crashing.  Remember - in the case of an
accident, the pilot is always first on the scene.
@GENERAL= Max Kauffmann

A folk song is a song that nobody ever wrote.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Bread that must be sliced with an axe is bread that is too nourishing.
@ONELINERS= Fran Lebowitz

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
@ONELINERS= Fran Lebowitz

Clams: I simply cannot imagine why anyone would eat something slimy served
in an ashtray.
@GENERAL= Miss Piggy

The French will only be united under the threat of danger.  Nobody can
simply bring together a country that has 265 kinds of cheese.
@GENERAL= Charles de Gaulle

The French drink to get loosened up for an event, to celebrate an event,
and even to recover from an event.
@GENERAL= Genevieve Guerin

France is a place where money falls apart in your hands, but you can't
tear the toilet paper.
@GENERAL= Billy Wilder

Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you.
@ONELINERS= Elbert Hubbard

A friend in need is a friend to be avoided.
@ONELINERS= Lord Samuel

Whenever a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies.
@ONELINERS= Gore Vidal

If you don't go to people's funerals, they won't come to yours.
@ONELINERS= Anon

In the city a funeral is just an interruption of traffic; in the country
it is a form of popular entertainment.
@GENERAL= George Ade

A damn good funeral is still one of our best and cheapest acts of theatre
@ONELINERS= Gwyn Thomas

An optimist is someone who thinks the future is uncertain.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
@ONELINERS= Wilson Mizner

I've had enough of gardening - I'm just about ready to throw in the trowel.
@ONELINERS= Anon

What a man needs in gardening is a cast iron back with a hinge in it.
@ONELINERS= Charles Dudley Warner

Genius is one per cent inspiration and ninety-nine per cent perspiration.
@ONELINERS= Thomas Alva Edison

The public is wonderfully tolerant.  It forgives everything except genius.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A gentleman is one who, when he invites a girl up to show her his etchings,
shows her his etchings.
@GENERAL= Anon

German is the most extravagantly ugly language.  It sounds like someone
using a sick bag on a 747.
@GENERAL= William Rushton

You never want to give a man a present when he's feeling good.  You want
to do it when he's down.
@GENERAL= Lyndon Baines Johnson

HE has not a single redeeming defect.
@ONELINERS= Benjamin Disraeli (on William Gladstone)

God is alive- he just doesn't want to get involved.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

God is dead.  But don't worry - the Virgin Mary is pregnant again.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

God is not dead.  He is alive and autographing bibles today at Brentano's.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

It takes a long while for a naturally trustful person to reconcile himself
to the idea that after all God will not help him.
@GENERAL= H L Mencken

Is man one of God's blunders or is god one of Man's blunders?
@ONELINERS= Frederich Wilhelm Nietzsche

The Coarse Golfer: One who has to shout 'Fore' when he puts.
@ONELINERS= Michael Green

Golf may be played on Sunday, not being a game within view of the law, but
being a form of moral effort.
@GENERAL= Stephen Leacock

Golf is a walk spoiled.
@ONELINERS= Mark Twain

The things most people want to know are usually none of their business.
@ONELINERS= George Bernard Shaw

There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
that's not being talked about.
@GENERAL= Oscar Wilde

Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't.
@ONELINERS= Earl Wilson

The only good government ... is a bad one in a hell of a fright.
@ONELINERS= Joyce Carey

The government solution to a problem is usually as bad as the problem.
@ONELINERS= Milton Friedman

How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?
@ONELINERS= Nigel Rees

I don't make jokes.  I just watch the government and report the facts.
@ONELINERS= Will Rogers

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
working for you.
@GENERAL= Will Rogers

Whenever you have an efficient government you have a dictatorship.
@ONELINERS= Harry S Truman

- I hate Graffiti
- I hate all Italian food
@GENERAL= Graffiti

Alas, poor yorlik, I knew him backwards.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
@ONELINERS= W C Bennett

A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.
@ONELINERS= Carolyn Wells

Violet will be a good colour for hair at just about the same time that
brunette becomes a good colour for flowers.
@GENERAL= Fran Lebowitz

Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life.
@ONELINERS= Dorothy Parker

For a bad hangover, take the juice of two quarts of whisky.
@ONELINERS= Eddie Condon

It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth
have both failed.
@GENERAL= Kin Hubbard

If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
@ONELINERS= Edith Wharton

If you want to clear your system out, sit on a piece of cheese and swallow
a mouse.
@ONELINERS= Johnny Carson

He's so small, he's the only man I know who has turn-ups on his underpants.
@ONELINERS= Jerry Dennis

We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap
as they go by.
@GENERAL= Will Rogers

History is a hard core of interpretation surrounded by a pulp of disputable
facts.
@GENERAL= Anon

History is too serious to be left to historians.
@ONELINERS= Iain Macleod

Hagel was right when he said that we learn from history that men never
learn anything from history.
@GENERAL= George Bernard Shaw

If Hitler invaded Hell I would make at least a favourable reference to the
Devil in the house of commons.
@GENERAL= Winston CHurchill

This man is dangerous; he believes what he says.
@ONELINERS= Joseph Goebbels

A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are Bigger
than yours.
@GENERAL= J B Priestley

Apart from cheese and tulips, the main product of the country is advocaat,
a drink made from lawyers.
@GENERAL= Alan Coren

Hollywood - where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.
@ONELINERS= Fred Allen

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a
fruit fly and still have room for three caraway seeds and a producers
heart.
@GENERAL= Fred Allen

Beverly Hills is very exclusive.  For instance, their fire department won't
make house calls.
@GENERAL= Mort Sahl

Hollywood is where, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
@ONELINERS= Rex Reed

Hollywood: A place where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors.
@WORDS= Walter Winchell

They live inn a beautiful little apartment overlooking the rent.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Homosexuality is a sickness, just as are baby rape or wanting to become
head of General Motors.
@GENERAL= Eldridge Cleaver

I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to
tell your mother.
@GENERAL= Charles Pierce

Honeymoon - the morning after the knot before.
@WORDS= Anon

After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
@ONELINERS= W C Fields

I have nothing against Hampstead.  I used to live there myself when I was
an intellectual.  I gave that up when I became Leader of the House.
@GENERAL= Norman St John-Stevas

The cure for admiring the house of lords is to go and look at it.
@ONELINERS= Walter Bagehot

The house of Lords is the British Outer Mongolia for retired politicians.
@ONELINERS= Tony Ben

Like many other anachronisms in British public life, the House of Lords
has one supreme merit.  It works.
@GENERAL= Lord Boothby

The House of Lords is a model of how to care for the elderly.
@ONELINERS= Frank Field

The House of Lords has a value ... it is good evidence of life after death.
@ONELINERS= Lord Soper

The House of Lords is a perfect eventide home.
@ONELINERS= Lady Stocks

I hate housework!  You make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months
later you have to start all over again.
@GENERAL= Joan Rivers

Its going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth
after they inherit it.
@GENERAL= Kin Hubbard

Mark my words, when a society has to resort to the lavatory for its humour,
the writing is on the wall.
@GENERAL= Alan Bennet

Humour is emotional chaos remembered in tranquillity.
@ONELINERS= James Thurber

Nothing spoils a romance so much as the sense of humour in the woman
or the want of it in a man.
@GENERAL= Oscar Wilde

Husbands are like fires.  They go out if unattended.
@ONELINERS= Zsa Zsa Gabor

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerver has been extracted.
@ONELINERS= Helen Rowland

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Hypochondriac: someone who enjoys bad health.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a
cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
@GENERAL= H L Mencken

An idea that is dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

What he doesn't know would make a library anybody would be proud of.
@ONELINERS= Anon

I've got Parkinson's disease.  And he's got mine.
@ONELINERS= Anon

One of the minor pleasures in life is to be slightly ill.
@ONELINERS= Harold Nicolson

Illness of any kind is hardly a thing to be encouraged in others.  Health
is the primary duty of life.
@GENERAL= Oscar Wilde

If man were immortal, do you realize what his meat bills would be?
@ONELINERS= Woody Allen

His indecision is final.
@ONELINERS= Anon

They call him 'jigsaw' because every time he's faced with a problem he
goes to pieces.
@GENERAL= Anon

Nothing is so exhausting as indecision, and nothing is so futile.
@ONELINERS= Bertrand Russell

'Sub-' is no idle prefix in it's application to this continent.
@ONELINERS= P.J. O'Rourke

To eat is human, to digest, divine.
@ONELINERS= Mark Twain

No one can make you feel inferior with your consent.
@ONELINERS= Eleanor Roosevelt

Thou shalt not commit adultery ... unless in the mood.
@ONELINERS= W C Fields

Adultery is the application of democracy to love.
@ONELINERS= H L Mencken

Among the things that money can't buy is what it used to.
@ONELINERS= Max Kauffmann

It's a gorgeous gold pocket watch.  I'm proud of it.  My grandfather, on
his deathbed sold me this watch.
@GENERAL= Woody Allen

To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life.
@ONELINERS= Eric Hoffer

A good cure for insomnia is to get plenty of sleep.
@ONELINERS= W C Fields

What he lacks in intelligence, he makes up for in his stupidity.
@ONELINERS= Anon

I won't eat anything that has intelligent life, but I would gladly eat a
network executive or politician.
@GENERAL= Marty Feldman

He has left his body to science - and science is contesting the will.
@ONELINERS= David Frost

Make yourself at home, Frank.  Hit somebody.
@ONELINERS= Don Rickles

Insurance:     An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is
               permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is
               beating the man who keeps the table.
@WORDS= Ambrose Bierce

Lord Birkenhead is very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
@ONELINERS= Margot Asquith

Intuition:     The strange instinct that tells a woman she is right,
               whether she is or not.
@WORDS= Methodist Recorder

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching
television by candlelight.
@GENERAL= Milton Berne

Other people have a nationality.  The Irish and the Jews have a psychosis.
@ONELINERS= Brendan Behan

The Irish people do not gladly suffer common sense.
@ONELINERS= Oliver St John Gogarty

The problem with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius, but with
absolutely no talent.
@GENERAL= Hugh Leonard

My one claim to fame among Irishmen is that I never make a speech.
@ONELINERS= Gregory Moore

Very little counts for less in Italy that the state.
@ONELINERS= Peter Nichols

If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
@ONELINERS= Louis Armstrong

Playing 'bop' is like playing scrabble with all the vowels missing.
@ONELINERS= Duke Ellington

If you're in jazz and more than ten people like you, you're labelled
'commercial'.
@GENERAL= Wally Stott

No one ever made more trouble than the 'gentle Jesus meek and mild'.
@ONELINERS= James M Gillis

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action.  They rented out my
room.
@ONELINERS= Woody Allen

It takes a lot of experience for a girl to kiss like a beginner.
@ONELINERS= Ladie's Home Journal

The labour Party Marxists see the consequences of their own folly all
around them and call it the collapse of capitalism.
@GENERAL= Jon Akass

I do not often attack the labour party.  They do it so well themselves.
@ONELINERS= Edward Heath

Everybody has a right to pronounce foreign names as he chooses.
@ONELINERS= Winston Churchill

The word 'meaningful' when used today is nearly always meaningless.
@ONELINERS= Paul Johnson

Die, my dear doctor?  That's the last thing I shall do.
@ONELINERS= Lord Palmerston

If this is dying, I don't think much of it.
@ONELINERS= Lytton Strachey

Laughter is the sensation of feeling good all over, and showing it
principally in one spot.
@GENERAL= Josh Billings

He who laughs, lasts.
@ONELINERS= Mary Pettibone Poole

She had a penetrating sort of laugh.  Rather like a train going into
a tunnel.
@ONELINERS= P G Woodhouse

It is illegal to make liquor privately, or water publicly.
@ONELINERS= Lord Birkett

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the
better lawyer.
@ONELINERS= Robert Frost

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
@ONELINERS= Gore Vidal

Distrust all in whom the impulse to punish is powerful.
@ONELINERS= Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

As a boy, he swallowed a teaspoon.  And he hasn't stirred since.
@ONELINERS= Anon

I've found a great way to start the day - I go straight back to bed!
@ONELINERS= Anon

I must follow them.  I am their leader.
@ONELINERS= Andrew Bonar Law

He told her her stockings were wrinkled.  Trouble was, she wasn't wearing
any.
@ONELINERS= Anon

He's a distinguished man of letters.  He works for the Post Office.
@ONELINERS= Max Kauffmann

A liberal is a conservative who's been mugged by reality.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A liberal is a man who leaves the room when a fight begins.
@ONELINERS= Heywood Broun

A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
@ONELINERS= Robert Frost

I can remember when a liberal was one who was generous with his own money.
@ONELINERS= Will Rogers

Liberty means responsibility.  That is why most men dread it.
@ONELINERS= George Bernard Shaw

A lie can be half way round the world before the truth has got its boots
on.
@ONELINERS= James Callaghan

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
@ONELINERS= H H Munro

A lie is an abomination unto the lord and a very present help in trouble.
@ONELINERS= Adlai Stevenson

I was brought up in a clergyman's house so I am a first-class liar.
@ONELINERS= Dame Sybil Thorndike

Life is a hereditary disease.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

Life is a maze in which we take the wrong turning before we have learned
to walk.
@ONELINERS= Cyril Connolly

The four stages of man are infancy, childhood, adolescence and
obsolescence.
@ONELINERS= Art Linkletter

Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.
@ONELINERS= Wilson Mizner

Life is too short for men to take it seriously.
@ONELINERS= George Bernard Shaw

An independent is a guy who wants to take the politics out of politics.
@ONELINERS= Adlai Stevenson

It's not the world that's got so much worse but the news coverage that's
got so much better.
@GENERAL= G K Chesterton

News: Anything that makes a woman say, 'For heaven's sake!'
@WORDS= Edgar Watson Howe

No News Is Preferable.
@ONELINERS= Fran Lebowitz

I keep reading between the lies.
@ONELINERS= Goodman Ace

I read the newspaperr avidly.  It is my one form of continuous fiction.
@ONELINERS= Aneurin Bevan

I love the weight of American Sunday Newspapers.  Pulling them up off the
floor is good for the figure.
@GENERAL= Noel Coward

People everywhere confuse
what they read in the newspapers with news.
@GENERAL= A J Liebling

You should always believe all you read in the newspapers, as this makes
them more interesting.
@GENERAL= Rose Macaulay

Any man with ambition, integrity - and $10,000,000 - can start a daily
newspaper.
@GENERAL= Henry Morgan

Early in life I noticed that no event is ever correctly reported in a
newspaper.
@GENERAL= George Orwell

I hope we never live to see the day when a thing is as bad as some of our
newspapers make it.
@GENERAL= Will Rogers

An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints
the chaff.
@GENERAL= Aldai Stevenson

In the old days men had the rack, now they have the press.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

Terrible Tragedy in South Seas.  Three million people trapped alive!
@ONELINERS= Tom Scott

Nixon is a purposeful man, but I have great faith in his cowardice.
@ONELINERS= Jimmy Breslin

Richard Nixon means never having to say you're sorry
@ONELINERS= Wilfrid Sheed

Noise:   A stench in the ear.  The chief product and authenticating sign
         of civilisation.
@WORDS= Ambrose Bierce

Every novel should have a beginning, a muddle and an end.
@ONELINERS= Peter De Vries

Don't miss our show!  Six beautiful dancing girls!
Five beautiful costumes!
@GENERAL= Poster

If God had wanted us to walk around naked, we would have been born
that way.
@ONELINERS= Anon

I'm not against half-naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be ...
@SEX= Benny Hill

Obscenity is whatever gives a judge an erection.
@SEX= Anon

Some things have got to be believed to be seen.
@ONELINERS= Ralph Hodgson

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
@ONELINERS= Dean Acheson

We think he's dead, but we're afraid to ask.
@ONELINERS= Anon

I will never be an old man.  To me, old age is always fifteen years older
than I am.
@GENERAL= Bernard Baruch

I'm at that age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
@GENERAL= George Burns

Old age is life's parody.
@ONELINERS= Simone de Beauvoir

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
@ONELINERS= Bob Hope

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
@SEX= Groucho Marx

Anyone can get old.  All you have to do is live long enough.
@ONELINERS= Groucho Marx

The greatest problem about old age is the fear that it may go on too long.
@ONELINERS= A J P Taylor

No good opera plot can be sensible, for people do not sing when they are
feeling sensible.
@GENERAL= W H Auden

Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in
Italian.
@GENERAL= H L Mencken

Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving
taxi cabs and cutting hair.
@GENERAL= George Burns

... an unbiased opinion is always absolutely valueless.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

Opportunity: A favourable occasion for grasping a disappointment.
@WORDS= Ambrose Bierce

An optimist is a man who starts a crossword puzzle with a fountain pen.
@ONELINERS= Anon

At six I was left an orphan.  What on earth is a six-year-old supposed to
do with an orphan?
@GENERAL= Anon

An oyster is a fish built like a nut.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Than an oyster
There's nothing moister.
@ONELINERS= Anon

"What the hell are tigers doing in an African jungle? Doesn't he know that
tigers can only be found in Asia?"
"You know it, and I know it, but do TIGERS know it??"
@GENERAL= Anon

"Animals, which move, have limbs and muscles. The Earth does not have limbs
and muscles; therefore it does not move".
@GENERAL= Scipio Chiaramonti.

Cats know precisely when their owners will wake up.
Then promptly awaken them 10 minutes earlier.
@GENERAL= Anon

No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Never try to out-stubborn a cat.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
@ONELINERS= Anon

You can lead a horse to water!!
Get him to float on his back, and you've got something.
@GENERAL= Anon

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster
and a radio.
@GENERAL= Joan Rivers

Running a business is about 95% people, and 5% economics.
@ONELINERS= Anon

To Noah!
The only man in history, who has been able to float a limited company,
while the rest of the world has gone into liquidation.
@GENERAL= Anon

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Always draw your curves, then plot the readings.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Variables won't; constants aren't.
@LAWS= Murphys Law

LANDAU'S PROGRAMMING PARADOXES
  (1)  The world's best programmer has to be someone.
  (2)  The more humanlike a computer becomes, the less it spends time
       computing, and the more time it spends time doing more human like
       work.
  (3)  A software committee of one is limited by its own horizon, and will
       specify software only that far.
  (4)  When the system programmers declare the system works, it has worked,
       and will work again some day.
@COMPUTERS= Landau

All the world's an analog stage, and digital computers play only bit parts.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Shareware will remain a viable marketing method, as long as the users
(who can't live without a Shareware product), realize that the Authors
can't LIVE without their registration fees.
@COMPUTERS= Jim Harrer, Mustang Software

By holding "Nude disco's", Stockport has confirmed itself as a modern
liberated Town, and rather more than a Railway Junction!'
@GENERAL= Anon

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
@ONELINERS= Gore Vidal

Don't drink and drive - Smoke dope and fly home.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Penicillin - The only thing to give a man who has everything.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Recipe (in its entirety) for boiled owl:
Take feathers off.
Clean owl, and put in cooking pot with lots of water.
Add salt to taste.
@GENERAL= The Eskimo Cookbook (1952)

A glutton is the person who beats you to the last bit of cake.
@ONELINERS= Anon

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Be careful of reading health books.  You may die of a misprint.
@ONELINERS= Mark Twain

Happiness is good health, and a bad memory.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Exercise is best started gradually. Today I shall attempt to register
a pulse.
@GENERAL= Anon

Jogging is 50% mental. PANT, PANT, JOG, SWEAT, JOG, SWEAT.
I'll work the other 50% off some other time!!
@GENERAL= Anon

Old people shouldn't eat health foods.  They need all the preservatives
they can get.
@GENERAL= Robert Orden

Are you going to come quietly, or am I going to have to wear earplugs.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Life is like the wife - you wake up in the morning and it's waiting for you
@ONELINERS= Anon

There's no such thing as sanity, and that's the sanest fact.
@ONELINERS= Anon

It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.
@ONELINERS= James Thurber

A closed mouth gathers no foot.
@ONELINERS= Anon

If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The difference between yoghurt and Slough, is that yoghurt has an active,
living culture.
@GENERAL= Anon

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
@ONELINERS= Anthony Burgess

I have a simple philosophy.
Fill what's empty.  Empty what's full.  Scratch where it itches.
@GENERAL= Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Jigsaw's were invented by a Scotsman, who dropped a 5 pounds in a mincer.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The Gas Board is coming - So is Christmas, we'll see which arrives first.
@ONELINERS= Anon

I know the answer!  The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
The answer is twelve?  I think I'm in the wrong building.
@GENERAL= Charles Schulz

Our Toaster works on either AC or DC, but not on Bread.
It also has two settings... Too Soon, or Too Late.
@GENERAL= Anon

There is more to life than increasing its speed.
@ONELINERS= Mahatma Gandhi

There are two things no man will admit he can't do well,
drive and make love.
@GENERAL= Anon

Where there's a will, there's a lawsuit.
@ONELINERS= Anon

If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Whatever it is, it won't work.
@ONELINERS= Anon

It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
@ONELINERS= Anon

It works better if you plug it in.
@ONELINERS= Anon

There's nothing like a well timed fact, to take the wind out of a
Know-All's sails.
@GENERAL= Anon

I'm not broke, I'm just badly bent.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Organization is the enemy of improvisation.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Jargon is used as a means of succeeding by, not simplifying.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Woodpecker's, like British Telecom, have long bills.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Reality is for people who can't cope with their drugs.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination.
@ONELINERS= Anon

"It is better to be silent and thought a fool, than to open ones mouth and
remove all possible doubt".
@GENERAL= Aly

Being wrong is a natural gift. You cannot learn it, and some people have
a particular genius in this direction, being wrong for months at a time.
@GENERAL= Anon

A Psychiatrist is a man who goes to the Follies Bergere, and looks at the
audience.
@GENERAL= Anon

There's a difference between philosophy, and a bumper sticker.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Engineering students are often puzzled by the fact that the most
streamlined girls offer the most resistance.
@GENERAL= Anon

If time is money, we are all living beyond our means.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Definition of love - A misunderstanding between two idiots.
@WORDS= Anon

Last night I had a dream,
a dream that made me laugh,
I dreamt I was a bar of soap,
and you were in the bath!!
@GENERAL= Anon

A committee is a group which keeps minutes, and wastes hours.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Never underestimate a woman, unless you are discussing her age or weight.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A friend in need is a friend to avoid.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A friend in need is a pain in the arse.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Somewhere out there, is a V.A.T return with your name on it.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Many a man has fallen in love with a girl, in a light so dim, he would not
have chosen a suit by it.
@GENERAL= Anon

Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.
@ONELINERS= Lord Dewar

I like men to behave like men - strong and childish.
@ONELINERS= Francois Sagan

Love is a grave mental disease.
@ONELINERS= Plato

I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers, and they are going
to make a game out of it.
@GENERAL= Woody Allen

I married beneath me.  All women do.
@ONELINERS= Nancy, Lady Astor

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
@ONELINERS= Voltaire (French Revolution Leader).

When the wife is away, the only time I know my dinner is ready,
is when it sets off the smoke alarm!!
@GENERAL= Anon

Behind every successful man stands a very surprised Mother-In-Law.
@ONELINERS= Anon

An optimist is a man who marries his secretary, with the idea that he'll
be able to carry on dictating to her!
@GENERAL= Anon

If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister??
@ONELINERS= Anon

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man,
is when he's a baby.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing,
and then they marry him.
@GENERAL= Anon

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Bees are never as busy as they sound,
they just don't know how to buzz slower.
@GENERAL= Anon

The cause of problems are solutions!
@ONELINERS= Anon

If you can't see the bright side, polish the dull side.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Nostalgia is OK, but it's not what it used to be.
@ONELINERS= Anon

OUT TO LUNCH - If not back at five, OUT TO DINNER!
@ONELINERS= Anon

If everything seems easy, you have obviously overlooked something.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Tolkien is hobbit-forming.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Pros are those who do their jobs well, even when they don't feel like it.
@ONELINERS= Anon

When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
@ONELINERS= Anon

An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
@ONELINERS= Anon

It's easy to be brave from a safe distance.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Gossip is the art of saying nothing in such a way, that leaves practically
nothing unsaid.
@ONELINERS= Anon

They told him the job couldn't be done,
He rolled up his sleeves and set to it.
He tackled the job that couldn't be done,
And he couldn't do it.
@GENERAL= Anon

He who ploughs a straight furrow, is probably in a rut.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Speak when you're angry, and you'll make the best speech you'll
ever regret.
@GENERAL= Anon

Let him who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Only those who will risk going too far, can possibly find out how far one
can go.
@GENERAL= Anon

Internal consistency is more highly valued than efficiency.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Some men are discovered; others are found out.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Some people confuse boredom with security.
@ONELINERS= Anon

"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..."
@ONELINERS= Last Words Of General John Sedgwick.

Those who think they know it all, upset those of us who do.
@ONELINERS= Anon

"You will never amount to very much".
@ONELINERS= Albert Einstein's Schoolmaster.

"Man is an indefinable creature. The Ancient Greeks pondered over the amber
 glow that emanates from two materials in friction. Today we have the
 science of Electronics".
@GENERAL= Anon

"The very last man on Earth sat alone.  There was a knock at the door..."
@ONELINERS= Anon

"Kurt Semen had been repeatedly jailed for disturbing the peace,
 and inciting unnecessary Pathos..."
@GENERAL= From The Trogladites, by Neil Rafcan.

The circumjacence to which this field of enquiry is prometheatery, is
sacrosanct to the correlation that is pertinent to this leit-motiv
Professionals have sat in conclave over the contingencies of this milieu.
However inglorious Virtuosos pontificate the derivative of this, but
coadjutors are unempowered to appraise the efficacy of such endeavours.
@VERBOSE= Anon

Money is the root of all evil, and a man needs his roots.
@ONELINERS= Andy Capp (Comic Strip)

Fools rush in where Fools have been before!
@ONELINERS= Anon

When in doubt, smile - It always makes people wonder what you're thinking.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Drink wet cement, and get completely stoned.
@ONELINERS= Anon

2B, or not 2B, or should I use a biro.
@GENERAL= Anon

DECISION MAKING
   (1)  If you must make a decision, delay it.
   (2)  If you can authorise someone else to avoid a decision, do so!
   (3)  If you can form a committee, have them avoid a decision.
   (4)  If you can otherwise avoid a decision, avoid it immediately.
@GENERAL= Anon

I knew it. Today is Monday, cleverly disguised as Tuesday.
@ONELINERS= Garfield (Comic Strip)

Sometimes when you least expect it, Monday strikes!!
@ONELINERS= Garfield (Comic Strip)

Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life
@ONELINERS= Garfield (Comic Strip)

You know it's Monday, when you find a land-mine in your Corn Flakes.
@ONELINERS= Garfield (Comic Strip)

Always set your alarm clock early, that way you can oversleep longer!!
@ONELINERS= Anon

Wake up with a smile on your face, sleep with a coathanger in your mouth.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A collision happens when two motorists go after the same pedestrian.
@ONELINERS= Anon

"The Marriage Of Figaro is far too noisy, my dear Mozart.
 Far too many notes".
@GENERAL= The Emporer Ferdinand.

"If Beethoven's seventh symphony is not by some means abridged, it will
 soon fall into disuse".
@GENERAL= Boston Music Critic.

"The Beatles - We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the
 way out."
@GENERAL= Decca Record Company / EMI / HMV etc...etc.

"I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms. What a giftless bastard!
 It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is haled as a genius. Why,
 in comparison with him, Raff is a genius".
@GENERAL= Tchaikovsky.

"Flight by machines heavier than air is unpractical and insignificant,
 if not utterly impossible".
@GENERAL= Simon Newcomb.

"Rail travel at high speeds above 20 miles per hour is not possible,
 because passengers, unable to breathe, would die of asphyxia".
@GENERAL= Dr. Dionysys Lardner (1793 - 1859).

Why don't you get a haircut?  You look like a chrysanthemum.
@GENERAL= P.G. Wodehouse

When in darkness or in doubt, run in circles, and scream and shout.
@GENERAL= Anon

Puritanism is the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be enjoying
themselves.
@GENERAL= Anon

Ronald Reagan is the Fred Astaire of foot-in-mouth disease.
@ONELINERS= Jeff Davis

Is the grave of Karl Marx another Communist plot??
@ONELINERS= Anon

Massachusett's has some of the best politicians money can buy.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Sure Reagan promised to take senility tests.  But what if he forgets?
@ONELINERS= Lorna Kerr-Walker

Don't get the idea that I'm knocking the American system.
@ONELINERS= Al Capone

The wrong sort of people are always in power, because they would not be in
power if they were not the wrong sort of people.
@GENERAL= Anon

Democratic Government is a thing like falling in love, or blowing one's own
nose. These things we want a man to do for himself, even if he does them
badly.
@GENERAL= Anon

There's little worse than being peerless in a peer-review system.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Bedfellows make strange politicians.
@GENERAL= Anon

An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought.
@ONELINERS= Anon

I reserve my abuse for lower life forms, like Civil Servants.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A rolling stone gathers momentum.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Gravity doesn't exist, the earth sucks.
@ONELINERS= Anon

"The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor thing.
 Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation of these
 atoms is talking moonshine".
@GENERAL= Ernest Rutherford.

Rugby is played by men with odd-shaped balls!!
@ONELINERS= Anon

If I had been present at creation, I would have given some useful hints.
@ONELINERS= Alfonso the Wise (1221-1280)

If I had been the Virgin Mary, I would have said "No".
@ONELINERS= Margaret "Stevie" Smith

The God's play games with men as balls.
@ONELINERS= Titus Maccius Platus

The good Lord never gives you more than you can handle.  Unless you die
of something.
@ONELINERS= Guindon Cartoon Caption

Religions change; Beer and Wine remain.
@ONELINERS= Hervey Allen

The chicken probably came before the egg, because it is hard to imagine
God wanting to sit on an egg.
@GENERAL= Anon

In England there are sixty different religions and only one sauce.
@ONELINERS= Francesco Caracciolo

Living with a saint is more gruelling than being one.
@ONELINERS= Robert Neville

Everybody should believe in something:  I believe I'll have another drink.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The reason why there is so much smog in L.A. is so that God can't see what
they are doing down there.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Prepare to meet thy GOD! (Evening dress optional)
@ONELINERS= Anon

GOD is not dead, but alive and well, and working on a much less ambitious
project.
@ONELINERS= Anon

When GOD made women, he was only testing.
@ONELINERS= Anon

"Heaven and Earth were created all together in the same instant,
 October 23rd, 4004 BC, at nine o'clock in the morning".
@GENERAL= Dr. John Lightfoot.

GOD may have created the World in 6 days, but he didn't have to do it
in triplicate.
@GENERAL= Anon

And GOD said "Let there be light", and there was light, and GOD saw that
is was good, and put the bloody electricity bill up by 4 pence a unit.
@GENERAL= Anon

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're alright now.
@GENERAL= Anon

I used to be schizophrenic, but now I'm lonely.
@GENERAL= Anon

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I'm schizophrenic,
and so an I.
@GENERAL= Anon

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
@ONELINERS= Rodney Dangerfield

When a waitress puts the dinner on the table, the old men look at the
dinner & the young men look at the waitress.
@GENERAL= Anon

When turkeys mate they think of swans
@ONELINERS= Johnny Carson

To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her friends.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Are contraceptives unavailable for sale during a French postal strike??
@SEX= Anon

A girl's best friend are her legs, but even best friends must sometimes
be parted.
@SEX= Anon

Women are the best other sex men have, (discounting sheep).
@SEX= Anon

She was only a morse code operator's daughter,
but she DID IT, DID IT, DID DID DID IT.
@GENERAL= Anon

When choosing between two evils, I like to take the one I've never tried
before.
@ONELINERS= Anon

All work and no play, makes Jack a dull boy, and Jill a rich widow.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The greatest labour-saving device of today, is TOMORROW!!
@ONELINERS= Anon

A specialist is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The only man to get his work done by Friday, was Robinson Crusoe.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Some people get bent with toil, and some get crooked trying to avoid it.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A worker's rights are those which belong to him, which he can't have.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The first 90% of the task takes 10% of the time.
The last 10% of the task takes 90% of the time.
@GENERAL= Anon

No guts, No Glory!
@ONELINERS= Garfield

It's hard to be serious when you're naked.
@ONELINERS= Garfield

Bonking can seriously damage your eyesight, but it's worth the optician's
fees.
@ONELINERS= Anon

I said, Prick his Boil!!
@SEX= Anon

Blessed are the brief, for they shall have lower phone bills.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Life's a bitch, and then you marry one.
@ONELINERS= Submitted by Adam Scott.

The report of my death has been greatly exaggerated.
@ONELINERS= Mark Twain

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
@ONELINERS= Mark Twain

I'm not as thunk as you drink I am.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

An Englishman, even if he is quite alone, forms an orderly queue of one.
@ONELINERS= George Mikes

The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest
about it.
@GENERAL= James Agee

The English find ill health not only interesting but respectable,
and often experience death in the effort to avoid a fuss.
@GENERAL= Pamela Frankau

One of the freedoms of the English is the freedom from culture.
@ONELINERS= Lord Goodman

Englishmen know instinctively that whatever the world needs most is
whatever is best for Great Britain.
@GENERAL= Ogden Nash

The English may not like music, but they absolutely love the noise it makes
@ONELINERS= Sir Thomas Beecham

When two Englishmen meet their first talk is of the weather.
@ONELINERS= Samuel Johnson

The English never forgive a man for being clever.
@ONELINERS= Lord Hailsham

The English have an extraordinary ability for flying into a great calm.
@ONELINERS= Alexander Woollcott

The English never smash in a face.  They merely refrain from asking it to
dinner.
@GENERAL= Margaret Halsey

Behind every successful man stands an amazed woman.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Success to me is having ten honeydew melons and only eating the top half of
each one.
@GENERAL= Barbra Streisand

If you become a success, you don't change - everyone else does.
@ONELINERS= Kirk Douglas

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.  Then quit.  There's no use
being a damned fool about it.
@GENERAL= W C Fields

The worst part of having success is to try finding someone who is happy
for you.
@ONELINERS= Bette Midler

Success is being nothing but a quote.
@ONELINERS= Andy Partridge

We must believe in luck for how else can we explain the success of those
we don't like?
@GENERAL= Jean Cocteau

It is not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.
@ONELINERS= Gore Vidal

Success is one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.
@ONELINERS= Irving Berlin

Success is a public affair.  Failure is a private funeral.
@ONELINERS= Rosalind Russell

Illness can be cured by shining different coloured lights on the afflicted
parts of the body.
@GENERAL= Colonel Dinshah Ghadiali, 1920.

Education can cause a woman's uterus to shrivel.
@SEX= Dr E Clarke, 1873.

Thinking is done by tiny creatures in the brains called menorgs
and disorgs.
@GENERAL= Alfred Lawson, early 20th century.

The deceased should be preserved by electroplating them.
@GENERAL= Dr Varlot, 1891.

The earth is a hollow shell and we live on the inside.
@GENERAL= Cyrus Reed Teed, 1870.

Men and women are two different species, descended from different animals.
@GENERAL= William Smyth, 1927.

Women who want to give birth to girls should eat a high protein diet, and
avoid eggs, fish, meat and cheese if they want boys.
@GENERAL= Dr Israel Bram, 1914.

The Sun is a lens made of ice which creates heat by focusing the brilliance
of God.
@GENERAL= Charles Palmer, 1878.

Wheat was given to us by extraterrestrials called the Manu.
@GENERAL= W Scott-Elliot, 1896.

The weight of moonlight on the oceans causes the water to spread out to
the edges of the land.
@GENERAL= G E Last, 19th century.

Marie Scott, from Fleetwood, the 17-year-old who has really plummeted
to the top.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Alan Weeks

She's dragged the javelin back into the twentieth century.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ron Pickering

Her time about 4.13, which she's capable of...
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

She never knows when she's beaten except when she actually is.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Stephen Hadley

As they come through absolutely together with Wells in first place.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

Two little jumps here - one big one and one small one.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Vine

There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with twenty thousand people...
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

He is even smaller in real life than he is on the track.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

And he can't afford to be beaten because, if he is, he'll be beaten.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Tony Gubba

A very powerful set of lungs, very much hidden by that chest of his.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Alan Pascoe

Virren, the champion, came in fifth place, and ran a champion's race.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Anon

Within a few hours, in Moscow, the Olympic Flame will have been put into
cold storage for another four years.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Gordon Clough

Michelle Ford...is Australia's first Olymic medal for four years.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Norman May

And our next race is the next race.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

The record is 38 seconds; one of the best times ever.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Vine

He is going up and down like a metronome.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ron Pickering

This man could be a black horse.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

He won the bronze medal in the 1976 Olympics, so he's used to being out
in front.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

...and the crowd are absolutely standing up.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Alan Weeks

The boy swims like a greyhound.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Athole Still

...he just can't believe what's not happening to him.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

Lillian's great strength is her strength.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

Both these players seem to anticipate the play of the other almost before
its happened.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Tony Gubba

The French are not normally a Nordic skiing nation
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ron Pickering

There'll be only one winner now - in every sense.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

And the race is all about first, second and third.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Hamilton Bland.

Harvey Glance, the black American sprinter with the white top and the black
bottom...
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ron Pickering

There is only one winner in this race.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

...and the winner is the winner.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

Bradford, who had gone up from 200 metres to 400, found it hard going and
for the last 100 was always going backwards.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

Coe has made absolutely no move at all down the back straight.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

And Brian Hooper will have that recurring dream again and again...
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ron Pickering

I was ranked fourth in the world and you know what that means?
I was fourth in the world.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Joe Bugner

An the crowd go wild as they see the shaven head of Hagler enter the
auditorium.  And there he is, hooded...
@FOOTINMOUTH= Reg Gutteridge

He has had 24 fights, lost one, so he is undefeated.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Alan Minter

Born in Italy, most of his fights have been in his native New York.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Desmond Lynham

Minter the undisputed world champion leaves the ring not a champion.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Harry Carpenter

Well, I'm hoping we can fight again, or at least have a re-match
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Conteh

To be honest, it was a very physical fight...
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jim Watt

They've given it all tonight, but there's a little bit left to give yet.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Harry Carpenter

It's his second finger - technically his third.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Christopher Martin-Jenkins

It's a unique occasion, really - a repeat of Melbourne 1977.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jim Laker

Bill Frindall has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Arlott

If you're going to lose, you might as well lose good and proper
and try to sneak a win.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ted Dexter

It's physically and mentally soul-destroying.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Geoff Boycott

The game's a little bit wide open again.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Fred Trueman

Well, Wally, I've been watching this game both visually and on TV.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ken Barrington

He's on 90, 10 away from that mythical figure...
@FOOTINMOUTH= Trevor Bailey

And we have just heard, although this is not the latest score from
Bournemouth that Hampshire have beaten Nottinghamshire by nine wickets.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter West

Lillee bowled seven overs, no maidens, no wickets for 35,
and I think that's a true reflection of his figures, too.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Alan McGilvan

...and England win by a solitary nine runs.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Frank Bough

The obvious successor to Brearley at the moment isn't obvious.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Trevor Bailey

After their 60 overs, West Indies have scored 244 for 7, all out.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Frank Bough

The hallmark of a great captain is the ability to win the toss at
the right time.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Richie Benaud

The Tour De France is a totally different ball game from English
cycle-racing.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Sidney Bennet

Tonight, the same as usual, a dartboard with a difference.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jim Bowen

Three 140s on the trot - the last one was 100.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Sid Waddell

Within a couple of minutes he had scored two goals in a two minute period.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Alan Parry

For a player to ask for a transfer has opened everybody's eyebrows.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Bobby Robson

The score is Middlesborough 1, Middlesborough 0 - and Middlesborough have
now gone eleven matches without a win.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

After a goalless first half, the score at half-time is 0-0.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Brian Moore

Sporting Lisbon in their green and white hooped shirts...they look like
a team of Zebras.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter Jones

So far Villa have only troubled Bradshaw twice with shots that did not
trouble him.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Larry Canning

Without picking out individuals, I thought Gary Stanley did very well
indeed.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Anon

Even when you're dead you shouldn't lie down and let yourself be buried.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Gordon Lee

I promise results, not promises.
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Bond

And so Tottenham in the last two years have never left London; but now
they've been drawn away from home to meet Chelsea.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Brian Butler

I wouldn't mind being a fly on Larry Lloyd's shorts.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Martin Johnson

My left foot is not one of my best.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Sammy McIlroy

...and their manager, Terry Neil, isn't here today, which suggests he
is elsewhere.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Brian Moore

I have other irons in the fire, but I'm keeping them close to my chest.
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Bond.

I don't think they are as good as they are.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Kevin Keegan

History, as John Bond would agree, is all about todays and not yesterdays.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Brian Moore

The advantage of being at home is very much with the home side.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Denis Law

Tottenham have the bullets that can produce the goods.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jimmy Greaves

Some of these players never dreamed they'd be playing in a Cup Final at
Wembley - but here they are today, fulfilling those dreams.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Lawrie McMenemy

The Israeli captain has 63 caps under his belt.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David France

Both the Villa scorers, Withe and Mortimer, were born in Liverpool -
as was the Villa manager Ron Sauders, who was born in Birkenhead.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

So different from the scenes in 1872, at the Cup Final that none of us can
remember.
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Motson

And now, the familiar sight of Liverpool raising the League Cup for the
first time.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Brian Moore

Four-nil up, they were at half-time - all in the first half, those.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Tony Adamson

With the very last kick of the game, Bobby McDonald scored with a header.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Alan Parry

Nick Holmes also got two today, as Southampton won 3-0 at Leeds.
Nick Holmes got the other.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Tony Gubba

Last time Brighton and Manchester United met they drew two-all,
and two of these were Manchester United's.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

If we can stop hooliganism, we can go a long way towards stemming this
great tide of people not going to football matches.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Brian Clough

If there wasn't such thing as a football, we'd all be frustrated
footballers.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Mick Lyons

I don't think, Brian.  You don't think in this game.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Allan Clarke

Liverpool always seem to find a boot at the right moment to keep Birmingham
City at arm's length.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Clive Tilsley

All the team are 100% behind the manager, but I can't speak for the rest of
the squad.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Brian Greedhoff

You can imagine how they feel...surrounded by their manager Ron Greenwood.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Dickie Davis

We don't always get from the slow motion the pace at which they play.
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Barrett

And Ritchie has now scored 11 goals, exactly double the number he scored
last season.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Alan Parry

He's got a left foor, and left foots are like bricks of gold.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jimmy Greaves

Thank you for evoking memories - particularly of days gone by.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Mike Ingham

You can't really call yourselves giant-killers any more, as you kill giants
so often.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Brian Butler

So Liverpool are ahead two-one.  It couldn't be a closer lead.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter Jones

Lawrenson slipped the ball through to Williams, and he beat Shilton from
35 yards... and you don't beat Shilton from 35 yards.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter Jones

There aren't many last chances left for him.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Archie MacPherson

That chance was too easy.  If it had been harder he would probably have
scored.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Denis Law

Kilmarnock versus Partic Thistle, match postponed...that, of course, is a
latest score.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Frank Bough

It was forest's night on Tuesday, but it looks like being Liverpool's night
this afternoon.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter Jones

I would advise anyone coming to the match to come early and not leave until
the end, otherwise they might miss something.
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Toshack

2-0 is a fair reflection of the scoreline.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Geoff Hurst

Pat Jennings clapped his hand round the ball like banging a piece of toast.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Barry Davis

Bolton are on the crest of a slump.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Anon

You couldn't have counted the number of moves Alan Ball made...
I counted four and possibly five.
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Motson

My father was a miner and he worked down a mine.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Kevin Keegan

You could cut the atmosphere with a knife, it was so electric.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Brian Marjorbanks

Hollins, of course, never believes that a match has finished until the
final whistle has blown.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter Jones

Peter Ward has become a new man.  Just like his old self.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jim Rosenthal

The Bulgarians are going forward, more in hope than optimism.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter Jones

There's nothing like second best, and that's what Liverpool are not!
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jim Rosenthal

The European Cup, almost 17 pounds of silver that's worth its weight
in gold.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Brian Moore

Well, the game isn't over yet, there's still 83 minutes to go.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Swiss TV Commentator

That was Borissov...the man with the left foot.
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Motson

Dalglish - he's the sort of player who's so unique.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Bob Wilson

Bulgaria were quite literally not at the match.
@FOOTINMOUTH= George Hamilton

The ball has broken 50/50 for Kevin Keegan
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

Well, gentlemen, when one team scores early in the game it often takes an
early lead.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Pat Marsden

We are now into the third and final quarter of this game.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Irish TV Commentator

Norwich's goal was scored by Kevin Bond, who is the son of his father.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Frank Bough

And, on the eve of the Bob Hope Classic...an interview with the man himself,
Gerry Ford.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jim Rosenthal

Mansell with this power disadvantage over the McLaren.
@FOOTINMOUTH= James Hunt

It looks as though that premature excitement may have been premature.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Brough Scott

And Harvey Smith is on the phone now and I think that means he's on
the phone.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Raymond Brookes-Ward

So far this year there haven't been any world class steeplechase times
anywhere in the world.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

Robin Cousins, with a superficial face wound on his leg.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Nicky Steele

You can cut the tension with a cricket stump.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

He's in front of everyone in this race except for the two in front of him.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

Into lap 53, the penultimate lap but one.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

Here's Giacomelli - driving like the veteran he is not.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

There's enough Ferraris there to eat a plate of spaghetti.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jackie Stewart

Only ten of the starters who began this race are left.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

I make no apologies for their absence; I'm sorry they're not here.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

The battle is well and truly on if it wasn't before, and it certainly was.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

And how long have you had this lifelong ambition?
@FOOTINMOUTH= Gary Davis

The Speed of light is very fast.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Carl Sagan

Tell me what you do for a living - you're an insurance broker, aren't you?
@FOOTINMOUTH= Eamonn Andrews

Two million pounds' worth of priceless prints and drawings have already been
moved there.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Dr Roy Strong

Conditions on the road are bad, so if you are just
setting off for work, leave a little earlier.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Kevin O'Shea

For people who like that sort of thing, that's the sort of thing they like.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Joe Jackson

Absolutely right.  You're walking through this competition like a piece of
cake.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Mike Read

And now to the subjects of law, and international law - subjects usually as
dry as ditchwater.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Joan Bakewell

I must apologise to the deaf for the loss of subtitles.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Angela Rippon

It's so true to life it's hardly true.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Mchael Aspel

Some of the crowd have decided to voice their opinion by staying away.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Dougie Donnelley

So the VAT increase on a secondhand car is just another added addition.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Adrian Love

And for those of you watching who haven't television sets, live commentary
is on Radio 2.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

We're ten years old this week.  It's a one off thing.  It won't happen
again for another ten years.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Bob Elliot

Send in competition answers with your name, age and how old you are.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Tony Blackburn

Gilmore could have lived as long as he'd liked.  He could have lived for
the rest of his life.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Norman Mailer

A fast has no real nutritional value.
@FOOTINMOUTH= 'A Dietician'

I have already not made that point
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Frost

The robbery was committed by a pair of identical twins.  Both are said to be
aged about 20.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Paul Hollingsworth

53 points - a world record.  I don't think that's been equalled before.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Stuart Hall

You don't get once-in-a-lifetime offers like this every day.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Advertisement

Fifty-eight per cent of all cars coming into Britain are imported.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Monty Modlyn

Most gays have heterosexual parents.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Anon

After a period of years the new skin gets older and older.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Dr Alan Marion Davis

We'll be back at the same time next week at the slightly later time of ten
past eleven.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Michael Doran

The good thing about these dark nights is that you can't see how dark and
horrible it is outside.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Tony Blackburn

He lived until he was 80 - from when he was born until he died.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Hunter Davies

In one consecutive hour we had two programs on the same subject.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Derek Jameson

Traffic in the Wandsworth one-way system is very heavy in both directions.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Graham Dene

I feel we are the only country in the world that doesn't have a British
film industry any more.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Joan Collins

One saw the face of British humour being changed single-handedly...
almost by one man.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Michael York

There they are, every colour of the rainbow: black, white, brown.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Anon

It's four minutes to eight - that's the time.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Graham Dene

And I think Valentino would have suffered the same death had he lived.
@FOOTINMOUTH= King Vidor

Agatha Christie is such a well-known name, her books sell all over the world -
and other places as well.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Michael Grade

It's one of those things you wouldn't know unless you knew it.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Dave Jamieson

Aircraft are central to Western Air Policy
@FOOTINMOUTH= Michael Ramsden

At the moment we're testing the performance of the engine on this engine
performance tester.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Bernard Clark

It was a sudden and unexpected suprise.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Old Bailey Correspondent, BBC

There's a sight to take your breath away - the smell of hyacinths.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter Seabrook

I'm hopeful until the last hour of the last minute.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Alex Kitson

We are not prepared to stand idly by and be murdered in our beds.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Rev. Ian Paisley

Mrs Thatcher...greeted by a small multitude.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Michael Charlton

Fighting broke out in the Indian Parliament and one 'Untouchable' MP
was punched on the nose.
@FOOTINMOUTH= BBC Radio 4 News

The Police, down one place to number two - they just didn't make it to
number one.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Tony Blackburn

Welcome to our lunchtime soiree.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Nicky Horne

I visited Bob Marley's grave.  It was on an inaccessible mountain top.
@FOOTINMOUTH= 'Weekending'

They've written their own number - it's an original number and it's written
by themselves.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jenny Lee-Wright

It's surprising - all the Beatles are still older than the Shadows, after
all this time.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Nick Lowe

And at number five, down seven places, the Gibson Brothers.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Kid Jensen

The record of Buddy Holly I like best is one he made before he died.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Hepworth

He was one of the all-time greats of all time.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Fee Waybill

And thanks too for the signed autograph.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Tony Blackburn

It's so easy to have a fatal accident and ruin your life.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Tony Blackburn

That was Bob Dylan, who was, and still is, white.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Derek Jewell

The luggage has already departed - that's why we're all so excited.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Tom Flemming

And some of the fireworks will go whizz-bang, and some will go bang-whizz.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Alastari Burnett

So near and yet so close came the Irish to success.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Irish Radio Commentator

Rafter, again doing much of the unseen work which the crowd relishes
so much.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Bill McLaren

Hurricane Higgins can either win or lose this final match tomorrow.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Archie McPherson

A two frame lead is really only one.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Eddie Charlton

He made a break of 98 which was almost one hundred.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Alan Weeks

This has been the story of his life for most of this match.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Clive Everton

And Alex has literally come back from the dead.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ted Lowe

We've had three other snooker centuries...this will make the fifth.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ted Lowe

I am speaking from a deserted and virtually empty Crucible Theatre.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Vine

Griffiths is snookered behind the brown, which, for those of you watching
in black and white, is the ball directly behind the pink.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ted Lowe

A sudden burst of consistency from Feaver.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Dan Maskell

So many ambitions lie buried on the surface of tthese famouse clay courts.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Gerald Williams

It looks as though the end is over.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Dan Maskell

Miss Stove seems to be going off the boil.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter West

Some names to look forward to - perhaps in the future.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

He's 31 this year.  Last year he was 30.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

The late start is due to the time.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

And she finally tastes the sweet smell of success.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ian Edwards

Coe has smashed the world record - 1 minute 44.92 seconds has never been
run easier.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ron Pickering

And the line up for the final of the Women's 400 metres hurdles includes
three Russians, two East Germans, a Pole, a Swede and a Frenchman.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

It's obvious these Russian swimmers are determined to do well on American
soil.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Anita Lonsborough

And the mile once again becomes the focal point where it's always been.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ron Pickering

They said it would last two rounds - They were half wrong, it lasted four.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Harry Carpenter

Standing there making a sitting target of himself.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Terry Lawless

I don't know what impressive is, but Joe was impressive tonight.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Marlene Bugner

I can only see it going one way, that's my way.  How it's actually going to
go I can't really say.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Nick Wilshire

And somewhat surprisingly Cambridge have won the toss.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Harry Carpenter

Anyone foolish enough to predict the outcome of this match is a fool.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Fred Trueman

The first time you face up to a googly you're going to be in trouble
if you've never faced one before.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Trevor Bailey

He'll certainly want to start by getting off the mark.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Don Mosey

I was surprised when Geoff Howarth won the toss.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jim Laker

People started calling me 'Fiery' because 'Fiery' rhymes with 'Fred' just
like 'Typhoon' rhymes with 'Tyson'.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Fred Trueman

So that's 57 runs needed by Hampshire in 11 overs and it doesn't need a
calculator to tell us that the run rate required is 5.1818 recurring.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Norman DeMesquita

That's a remarkable catch by Yardley specially as the ball quite literally
rolled along the ground towards him.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Mike Denners

Unless something happens that we can't predict, I don't think a lot will
happen.
@ONELINERS= Fred Trueman

An interesting morning, full of interest.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jim Laker

I think if you've got a safe pair of hands, you've got a safe pair
of hands.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Tom Graveny

The fans now, with their eyes pierced on the dartboard.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Sid Waddell

Whoever wins today will win the championship no matter who wins.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Denis Law

And Meade had a hat trick.  He scored two goals.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Richard Whitmore

The boys' feet have been up in the clouds since the win.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Alan Buckley

Bryan Robson - well, he does what he does and his future is in the future.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ron Greenwood

Well clearly Graeme it all went to plan - what was the plan exactly?
@FOOTINMOUTH= Elton Wellsby

Wayne Clarke, one of the famous Clarke familly...and he's one of them,
of course.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Brian Moore

It's a Renaissance - or, put more simply, some you win, some you lose.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Desmond Lynam

I don't blame individuals, Elton, I blame myself.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Joe Royle

Football's a game of skill...we kicked them a bit and they kicked us a bit.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Graham Roberts

There is no change in the top six of Div. II except that Leeds United have
moved into the top six.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Fred Dinage

So that's 1-0, sounds like the score at Bondary Park where of course it's
2-2.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jack Wainwright

Kicked wide of the goal with such precision.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Desmond Lynam

I do want to play the long ball and I do want to play the short ball.
I think long and short balls is what football is all about.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Bobby Robson

At the end of the day, it's all about what's on the shelf at the end of the
year.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Steve Coppell

I am a firm believer that if you have to score one goal the other team will
have to score two to win.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Howard Wilkinson

So it means that, mathematically, Southampton have 58 points.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter Jones

If you had to name one particular person to blame it would have to be the
players.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Theo Foley

We are the victims of our own problems.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jimmy Greaves

Here's Brian Flynn.  His official height is five feet five and he doesn't
look much taller than that.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Alan Green

Mabut has now played seven consecutive games for England.  This is the
seventh.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Martin Tyler

I'd have to be superman to do some of the things I'm supposed to have done.
I've been in six different places at six different times.
@FOOTINMOUTH= George Best

That's a question-mark everyone's asking.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Bruce Grobbelar

Well, as for Ian Rush - he's perfectly fit - apart, that is, from his
physical fitness...
@FOOTINMOUTH= Mike England

I'm not going to make it a target but it's something to aim for.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Steve Coppell

Well Ibrox is filling up slowly but rapidly.
@FOOTINMOUTH= James Sanderson

We are quite lucky this year because Christmas falls on Christmas day.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Bobby Gould

He put it just where he meant it and it passed the Luxembourg goalpost by
18 inches.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Bryon Butler

The goals made such a difference to the way this game went.
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Motson

The only thing that Norwich didn't get was the goal that they finally got.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jimmy Greaves

Football's football; if that weren't the case it wouldn't be the game that
it is.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Garth Crooks

I predicted in August Celtic would reach the final.  On the eve of the
final I stand by that prediction.
@FOOTINMOUTH= J Sanderson

And with 8 minutes left the game could be won or lost in the next 5 or
10 minutes.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jimmy Armfield

It's a game of two teams.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter Brackley

Systems are made by players rather than players making systems.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Theo Foley

I don't really believe in targets, because my next target is to beat
Stoke City.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ron Wylie

And at the end of the season you can only do as well as what you have done.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Bryan Robson

They can crumble as easily as ice cream in this heat.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Sammy Nelson

Don't tell those coming in now the result of that fantastic match.
Now let's have another look at Italy's winning goal.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

The acoustics seem to get louder.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Hugh Johns

Being given chances - and not taking them.  That's what life's all about.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ron Greenwood

And Wilkins sends an inch-perfect pass to no one in particular.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Bryon Butler

To me personally, it's nothing personal to me.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ron Greenwood

Even when you're dead you shouldn't lie down and let yourself be buried.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Gordon Lee

But the ball was going all the way, right away, eventually.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Archie McPherson

The Spaniards have been reduced to aiming aimless balls into the box.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ron Atkinson

On this 101st FA Cup Final day, there are just two teams left.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

That shot might not have been as good as it might have been.
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Motson

Football's all about 90 minutes.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Glen Hoddle

I felt a lump in my my mouth as the ball went in.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Terry Vevanbles

It's always satisfying to beat Arsenal, as indeed Arsenal would admit.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter Jones

John Bond has brought in a young left sided midfield player who, I guess,
will play on the left side of the midfield.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jiimmy Armfield

And the second goal was a blueprint of the first.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Bryon Butler

One of Asa's great qualities is not scoring goals.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Roy Small

Whelan was in the position he was, exactly.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jimmy Armfield

It feels like winning the cup final, if that's what it feels like.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Graham Hawkins

The lastplayer to score a hat-trick in a cup final was Stan Mortenson.
He even had a finnal named after him - the Matthews final.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Lawrie McMenemy

The match has beocme quite unpredictable - but it still looks as though
Arsenal will win the cup.
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Motson

Great goal by Moss - straight into the textbook.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Gerry Harrison

If you stand still there is only one way to go, and that's backwards.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter Shilton

Not the first half you might have expected, even though the score might
suggest it was.
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Motson

I don't know if that result's enough to lift Birmingham off the bottom
of the table, although it'll certainly take them above Sunderland.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Mike Ingham

He certainly didn't appear as cool as he looked.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Renton Laidlaw

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and my father.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Greg Norman

There's Pam watching anxiously.  She doesn't look anxious though.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Steven Hadley

As you travel the world, do you do a lot of travelling?
@FOOTINMOUTH= Harvey Smith

He's a very competitive competitor, that's the sort of competitor he is.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Dorian Williams

Just look at that.  Nine 'six' marks, every one of them a 'six'.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Alan Weeks

Even as I speak, in four hours time the Kyalami Grand Prix will roar away.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Tony Lewis

The lead is now 6.9 seconds.  In fact it's just under 7 seconds.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

I wonder if Watson is in the relaxed state of mind he's in.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

The gap between the two cars is 0.9 of a second - which is less than
one second.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

Tombay's hopes, which were nil before, are absolutely zero now.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

You can't see a digital clock because there isn't one.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

And the hourglass ticking off the seconds.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Waldemar Januszczak

He has waited 6 years to meet the brothher he never new he had.
@FOOTINMOUTH= BBC News Reporter

You went to Miami, to the Kennedy Space Centre.  You were obviously
in Florida.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Hamilton

How priceless are these things?
@FOOTINMOUTH= Russel Harty

As usual it's 3 minutes past 8 o'clock.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Jensen

Looks like a busy weekend on the ferries, particularly Saturday and Sunday.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter Powell

It is now 5 past 12, sometime on Sunday night.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Tom Boswell

Has there ever been any link between asbestos and asbestos-linked diseases?
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jimmy Young

Nobody could convince me that they'd still be alive if they hadn't been
wearing a seatbelt.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Dr Keith Little

It was the most unanimous decision I have seen.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Owen Briscoe

As our regular listeners will know, Christmas has come and gone.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Douglas Cameron

And it's exactly 9 minutes past 9 - and that doesn't happen very often.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Douglas Moffat

Clacton Pier Management who have spent two million pounds in as many years.
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Bacon

Of course Kirkpatrick will serve nowhere near the 900 years to which he has
been sentenced because the system in Northern Island allows for up to 50%
remission for good behaviour.
@FOOTINMOUTH= N. Irish correspondent

Les Dawson offers his congratulations on the birth of the baby - and after
all, he should know.  He drove tanks in Korea.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Selina Scott

Many people think that Joan of Arc was immortal but she did in fact exist.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Douggie Brown

The British troops are now close enough to Port Stanley to see Argentinians
in their houses eating their dinner through binoculars.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Brian Hanrahan

This marks the end of a long life and an even longer career.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Pauline Bushnell

Nuclear war lies, if it lies anywhere, in the future.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ludovic Kennedy

The time at 8.20, coming up to 8.20.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Don Mosley

When this table was first made it was brand new.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Arthur Negus

Last time they went out and they got their fingers burnt.  What guarantee
can you give that they wont catch a cold this time?
@FOOTINMOUTH= Today Programme

What sun there was today could be counted on one hand.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Weatherman

You can bet your boots if the shoe was on the other foot the Americans
wouldn't wear it.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Sandra Dickenson

Butter is just the pawn in the political game of draughts.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Tony de Angeli

One should be suspicious of any vehicle whhich gives rise to suspicion.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Commander John Hucklesby

They speak all languages of the rainbow there.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jackie Stewart

I turned to see the onlookers looking on.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Anneka Rice

And for those who want to deal in metric that's a girth of 22 feet and
a height of about 230 feet.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Bellamy

I don't think it's any less important for not being terribly important.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Patrick Keighley

This one is for Nigel Addison - I went to school with a Nigel Addison,
I wonder if it's his brother.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter Powell

I see my mum as much as I like - which is not as often as I'd like.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Leo Sayer

But obviously you do other things beside dedicating your lives 24 hours
a day to ballet.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Mike Read

We were unanimous - in fact everyone was unanimous.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Eric Heffer

If I were chairman of the election campaign committee,
that somebody would be me.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Steel

I don't want to make any previous statement on that.
@FOOTINMOUTH= George Schultz

This is the greatest record of all time for me at the moment.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Steve Wright

On Monday we'll have Jerry Lee Lewis, on Tuesday Chuck Berry and
on Wednesday Elvis Presley, though not in that order.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Kid Jensen

John Paul Young with his Greatest and only Hit.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Charles Nove

If there are as many Flintstones fans around as me,
this will be a monster hit.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Mike Read

I don't know if I have heard that before - if so it was on a record
I haven't played.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ken Stewart

I ever thought Jeff Beck and myself would ever play together, but I was
there the night it happened.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jimmy Page

Spice is the variety of life.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jimmy Savile

And you can't get much further outside the Top Ten than number eleven.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jimmy Savile

Ian Gillan.  A lot of people think his image is not right,
but they'd be on their own.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Mike Quinn

It was like the Sixties, but it wasn't the Sixties - it was 1969.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jimmy Savile

Stuart Sutcliffe left the Beatles when he died.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Philip Norman

I never ever knew where Rome was.  That's how good I was at History.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Rick Parfitt

Do you like their records, or is it just the music you go for?
@FOOTINMOUTH= Simon Bates

It's all Beatles music from noon until midday.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Mike Smith

It's taken two years for that to be a hit.  It's straight in at 35.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Simon Bates

I spoke to Boy George between four and four-thirty sometime today.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter Powell

And you can't get nearer the top ten than number twelve
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jimmy Savile

I'm sure this will evoke memories, even for those of us who don't remember
it.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Mark Ellen

Ron White was not one of the very first original members of the Motown
staff, but eventually he was.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Smokey Robinson

Red Red Wine by UB40 - Number 1 in the charts and doing even better
in Europe.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Billy Butler

I'm not even going to ignore that.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Lynsey de Paul

The best track on that album isn't on it.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter Young

This is their first single, and their most successful so far.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Mark Curry

And there's Kenney, who at times looks almost like his double.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Nigel Starmer-Smith

If you didn't know him, you wouldn't know who he was.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Nigel Starmer-Smith

And Dusty Hare kicked 19 of the 17 points.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

An easy kick for George Fairburn, but as everybody knows,
no kicks are easy.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Doyle-Davidson

Ninety-nine times out of a thousand he would have potted that ball.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ted Lowe

The match has gradually and suddenly come to a climax.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Vine

He's lucky in one sense and unlucky in the other.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ted Lowe

Higgins first entered the championship ten years ago; that was for the
first time, of course.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ted Lowe

Suddenly Alex Higgins was 7-0 down.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Vine

When you start off it's nil-nil.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Steve Davis

From this position you've got to facy either your opponent or yourself
winning.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Kirk Stevens

A little pale in the face, but then his name is White.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ted Lowe

This said, the inevitable failed to happen.
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Pulman

No-one came closer to winning the World Title last year than runner-up
Dennis Taylor.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Vine

He'll have no trouble in solving the solution.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jack Karneham

I've always said the difference between winning and losing is nothing
at all.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Terry Griffiths

Sometimes the deciding frame's always the toughest to win.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Dennis Taylor

There is, I believe, a time limit for playing a shot.  But I think that
it's true to say that nobody knows what that limit is.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ted Lowe

Ray Reardon, one of the great Crucible champions - won it five times, when
the championship was played away from the Crucible.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Vine

These ball boys are marvellous.  You don't even notice them.
There's a left handed one over there.  I noticed him earlier.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Max Robertson

When Martina is tense it helps her relax.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Dan Maskell

It's quite clear that Virginia Wade is thriving on the pressure now that
the pressure for her to do well is off.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Harry Carpenter

We haven't had any more rain since it stopped raining.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Harry Carpenter

Britain's last gold medal was a bronzze in 1952 in Helsinki.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Nigel Starmer-Smith

The Rupublic of China back in the Olympic games for the first time.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

That's the fastest time ever run - but it's not as fast as the world
record.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

I'm absolutely thrilled and over the world about it.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Tessa Sanderson

A truly international field, no Britons involved.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

She hasn't run faster than herself before.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Zola Budd

Born in America, John returned to his native Japan.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Mike Gratton

The Kenyans haven't done much in the last two games - in fact they haven't
competed since 1972.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Brendan Foster

We estimate, and this isn't an estimation, that Greta Waitz is 80 seconds
behind.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

And there's no 'I love you' message, because Steve Ovett has managed the
girl.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

And there you see Seb Coe preparing for our first sight of him.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jim Rosenthal

He looks up at him through blood-smeared lips.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Harry Carpenter

It's not one of Bruno's fastest wins...but it's one of them.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Harry Carpenter

I've only seen Errol Chhristie fight once before and that was the best
I've ever seen him fight.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Mark Kaylor

This boxer doing what's expected of him - bleeding from the nose.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Harry Carpenter

He's got a cut on his left eye...it's just below his eyebrow.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Harry Carpenter

In the rear, the small diminutive figure of Shoaif Mohammed who can't be
much taller or shorter than he is.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Henry Blofeld

His throw went absolutely nowhere near where it was going.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Richie Benaud

Alderman knows that he is either going to get a wicket - or he isn't.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Steve Brenkley

Even downton couldn't get down high enough for that.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Richie Benaud

And he's got the guts to score runs when the crunch is down.
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Murray

The Sri Lanken team have lost their heads - literally.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Gamine Goonasena

That slow motion replay doesn't show how fast the ball was travelling.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Richie Benaud

I don't think he expected it, and that's what caught him unawares.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Trevor Bailey

The Queen's Park Oval - exactly as its name suggests - absolutely round.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Tony Cozier

Well, everyone is enjoying this except Vic Marks, and I think he's enjoying
himself.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Don Mosey

He's ranked number three in Britain, number four in the world.  You can't
get any higher!
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Lowe

Fifty-two thousand people here at Maine Road, but my goodness me, it seems
like fifty thousand.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Bryon Butler

And now the formalities are over, we'll have the National Anthems.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Brian Moore

Wembley is beginning to blacken with people in terms of red and blue.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Alan Jackson

Plenty of goals in Divisions Three and Four today.
Darlington nil, Hereford nil.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Commentator, Radio 2

There were two second division matches last night, both in the second
division.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Dominic Allen

They have more ability in the middle of the field in terms of ability.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jimmy Armfield

The margin is very marginal.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Bobby Robson

And Watford acknowledge the support of the crowd indeed of the crowd that
supported them.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Barry Davies

At least it was a victory and at least we won.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Bobby Moore

Despite the rain, it's still raining here at Old Trafford.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jimmy Hill

Yes, Woodcock would have scored but his shot was just too perfect.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ron Atkinson

We have been saying this both pre-season and before the season started.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Len Ashurst

We go into the second half with United 1-0 up, so the game is perfectly
balanced.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter Jones

Manchester United have got the bull between the horns now.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Billy MacNeil

I'll never play at Wembley again, unless I play there again.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Kevin Keegan

Yes, he is not unused to playing mid-field, but at the same time he's not
used to playing there, either.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Emlyn Hughes

Well Terry, can you tell us where you are in the league, how far are you
ahead of the second team?
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ian St John

Ian Rush.  Deadly ten times out of ten.  But that wasn't one of them.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter Jones

He hit the post and after the game people will say he hit the post.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jimmy Greaves

I think you and the referee were in a minority of one
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jimmy Armfield

Believe it or not, goals can change a game.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Mike Channon

You'll be hoping this run of injuries will stop earlier than it started.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Andrew Gidley

It will be a shame if either side lose.  That applies to both sides.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jock Brown

Well Kerry, you're 19 and you're a lot older than a lot of people younger
than yourself.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Mike Gray

Oh, he had an eternity to play that ball...buthe took too long over it.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Martin Tyler

Everything in our favour was aginst us.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Danny Blanchflower

The scoreline didn't really reflect the outcome.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Tony Gubba

I can't promise anything but I can promise 100%.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Paul Power

McCarthy shakeshis head in agreement with the referee.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Martin Tyler

It really needed the blink of an eyelid, othherwise you would have missed
it.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter Jones

We've got nothing to lose, and there's no point losing this game.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Bobby Robson

And now to hole eight which is in fact, the eighth hole.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter Alliss

He used to be fairly indecisive, but now he's not so certain.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter Alliss

Steve Cauthen, well on his way to that mythical 200 mark.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jimmy Lindley

A racing horse is not like a machine.  It has to be tuned up just like you
tune up a racing motor car.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Chris Pool

These two horses have met five times this season, and I think they've
beaten each other on each occasion.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jimmy Lindley

Speaking from memory I don't know how many points Nelson Piquet has got.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

Thackwell really can metaphorically coast home now.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

Alain Prost is in a commanding second position.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

A mediocre season for Nelson Piquet as he is now known and always has been.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

With two laps to go then the action will begin, unless this is the action,
which it is.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

And now Jacques Laffitte is as close to Surer as Surer is to Laffitte
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

Nigel Mansell is the last person in the race apart from the five in front
if him.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

There are no winners and no losers.  Everybody loses.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ian MacGregor

We don't want to see these coal fields trampled into the ground.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Rodney Bickerstaffe

The timber in the roof was completely comprised of wood.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Stanley Phillips

You could count them on less than one hand.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Motorcyclists' Association Spokesman

Did you find yourself reminiscing a great deal in your autobiography?
@FOOTINMOUTH= Gloria Hunniford.

Sixteen minutes past nine is the time - a little earlier than usual.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Douglass Cameron

I needed a break from the program in order to regurgitate myself.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Fred Feast

We haven't demanded anything.  What we have demanded is that the coal board
withdraw their demands.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Arthur Scargill

Not many people realise just how well known he is.
@GENERAL= Lord Gowrie

A concrete pipe reduced to mere matchwood.
@GENERAL= Peter McCann

She has won three thousand pounds already, in as many years.
@GENERAL= Debbie Thrower

Today is the 40th anniversary of the RAF bombing Dresden.  That was during
the war.
@GENERAL= Simon Bates

You're a fourth generation chef.  What did your father do?
@GENERAL= Lucien Frued

And a shame that anybody who didn't turn up wasn't there.
@GENERAL= Tony Blackburn

Treat them like children, and that means giving them plenty of nitrogen
fertiliser.
@GENERAL= Geoffrey Smith

If daggers are not actually drawn, they are certainly out of their sheaths.
@GENERAL= Paul Ross

While he was in intensive care she was carrying a baby that wasn't hers.
@GENERAL= Tony Blackburn

Of the designs of mine that succeed, 50% of them don't.
@GENERAL= Zandra Rhodes

The problem with heart disease is that the first symptoom is sudden death,
and that's a very hard symptom to deal with.
@GENERAL= Dr Michael Phelps

They are inviting their colleagues to march down a cul-de-sac which has no
end.
@GENERAL= Peter Smith

You have reached a turning point on a voyage of no return.
@GENERAL= Simon Bates

It's now just coming up to eight minutes to two, that's the time of course.
@GENERAL= Bruno Brooks

Far be it from me say that New ZZealand is a racist country,
but New Zealand is a racist country.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Kari Hulme

The pendulum has gone full circle.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jimmy Young

It's nine minutes past three, timewise of course.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Paul Jordan

We flew straight up; 4000 feet in as many minutes!
@FOOTINMOUTH= BBC Radio 1

But surely, by demystifying Macbeth, you're taking the mystery out of it.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Barry Norman

And the time left in clock terms is about five minutes.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Archie McPherson

And that's what happens when two immovable objects meet.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ray French

We don't stand behind our wives like some miners; our wives are in front
of us.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Yorkshire Miner

I think it's a good thing because people haven't got time on weekdays to do
any Sunday Shopping.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Pebble Mill at One

And that's a self-portrait of himself, by himself.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Richard Madeley

The media gave us the rough end of the wedge.
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Taylor

I have been assaulted more times than I can count;
about four or five times.
@FOOTINMOUTH= You and Yours

You can't in five minutes, transfer sovereignty overnight.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Max Hastings

I was stunned with outrage.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Neil Kinnock

In that tense situation people get tense.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Erric Heffer

This Bill enables the Secretary of State to plunge into the waters of local
government, with his head firmly buried in the sand.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Baroness Burke

I would expect things to go on as they are, until there is some change.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Sir Anthony Parsons

The people doing these murders are masquerading openly in the streets.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ian Paisley M.P.

There are more crimes in Britain now, due to the hug rise in the crime
rate.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Neil Kinnock

We're a year nearer the general election that we were last year.
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Cole

If people had proper locks on their doors, crime could be prevented before
it happens.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Douglas Hurd

If Shaking Stevens were to retire, this man could well become his
predecessor.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Pete Smith

Thank you for all the entries in the Abba competition.  There were 30,000
entries, so you stand a one in a million chance of winning one of the ten
prizes.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Simon Bates

That's one of those songs that's going to go on and on and be popular even
when people forget about it.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Steve Collins

And there he was, reigning suprememe at number two.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Alan Freeman

And that was CCS Society - so much easier to pronounce than say.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Jensen

Anybody buying the record can be assured that the pound they pay will
literally go into someone's mouth.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Bob Geldof

This was a big hit; it was in the top ten and got to number 15.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Hamilton

This was a reminder of an unforgettable voice.
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Stiles

Mike Oldfield named an album after a geographical area in Britain.
Can you name either the area or the album?
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter Powell

I had written a few songs and asked Robert Palmer to write the words and
tunes.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Andy Taylor

Managing the Beatles was another bow to Brian Epstein's string.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Pete Best

Don't believe those who say we don't give a darn.
@ONELINERS= In a wool shop in Durham

Bargain, well-maintained Victorian house, with dry rot throughout.
@ONELINERS= Notice in an estate-agent's window in Croydon

Here today, gaunt tomorrow.
@ONELINERS= In a slimming clinic in Kensington

Work for the Lord - the fringe benefits are out of this world.
@ONELINERS= On a wayside pulpit in the English Midlands

For sale, Toilet-seat cover.  Barely used.
@ONELINERS= In an evening newspaper in York

Trust us to truss you.
@ONELINERS= In a surgical-wear shop in Toronto

In case of fire, don't panic.  First pay the bill, then run like hell.
@ONELINERS= In an Aberdeen restaurant

Second-hand tombstone for sale.  Extraordinary bargain for family named
Schwarzendorfer.
@ONELINERS= Sign near a cemetery in San Jose, California

One way to stop people from jumping down your throat is to keep your mouth
shut.
@ONELINERS= In a lawyer's office in Indianapolis

If you really need glasses, please don't take ours.  Go to an optician.
@ONELINERS= At the Cat & Fiddle pub near Macclesfield

Keep on trying.  It's better to be a has-been than a never-will-be.
@ONELINERS= In a talent agent's office in New York

Gone With The Wind.
@ONELINERS= Notice outside a demolished cinema in Liverpool.

Lost, ginger cat called Chips.  Answers to Fish.
@ONELINERS= Notice in a newsagent's window in Oban, Scotland

Closed for two weeks.  We Knead the break.
@ONELINERS= In a bakery window in Vancouver

Genesis is Good for You.
@ONELINERS= Outside a church in Dublin

We Skid You Not.
@ONELINERS= In a tyre depot in Glasgow

Wanted, capable man to handle dynamite.  Must able to travel long
distances.
@ONELINERS= Sign at a demolition site in Detroit

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more...
- the money or the friend
@ONELINERS= In a moneylender's office

Touch if you must, Pay up if you bust.
@ONELINERS= In a china section of a Birmingham department store

Inflation is what happens when you are broke with a lot of money in your
pocket.
@ONELINERS= Sign in an accountant's office in Giffnock, Glasgow.

Dangerous drugs must be locked up with the ward sister.
@ONELINERS= On a hospital notice-board in Manchester

Our treatment covers a multitude of chins.
@ONELINERS= In a ladies' beautifying salon in Melbourne

A driver is safer when the road is dry;
The road is safer when the driver is dry.
@ONELINERS= In a garage forecourt in Kent

To let, flat with three rooms, kitchen, bathroom, plus outside toilet at
present occupied by owner.
@ONELINERS= Advert in Bristol newspaper

You do not have to get hot in this room.  Please control yourself.
@ONELINERS= Notice on thermostat of a hotel in Kobe, Japan

Batter late than never.
@ONELINERS= Notice in fish 'n' chip cafe in south London

We can supply the Know-How But Not The Common Scents.
@ONELINERS= perfumery department of a London Store

Leave your body in our hands.
@ONELINERS= Sign at a car repair yard in Dover

Buy now - while shop lasts.
@ONELINERS= In a window of a shop in a recession-hit town

"The End of the World."  Lunch afterwards.
@ONELINERS= On a university notice-board

Stay Friends with Us...Until Debt Us Do Part!
@ONELINERS= Notice in a moneylender's office in Glasgow

Lost, mongrel dog with bad limp due to road accident; ear badly scarred in
fight; wall-eyed; slightly deaf; answers to the name of 'Lucky'.
@ONELINERS= Notice in a shop window in Manchester

The tax inspector has got what it takes to take what you've got.
@ONELINERS= In a tax-advisers office

Our bikinis are like your garden gate...They protect the property without
obscuring the view.
@ONELINERS= In the swimwear section of a store in Southampton

Crash Courses: Available For Those Who Wish To Drive QUICKLY.
@ONELINERS= In a driving-school in the English Midlands

Life is Fragile - Handle it with Prayer
@ONELINERS= Sign outside a New York church

It's always the OVERtakers who keep the UNDERtakers busy.
@ONELINERS= In a driving school in Oxford

You've seen the show...now read the book.
@ONELINERS= Billboard outside a Manchester theatre after 'Jesus Christ Superstar'

Woman is one of natures's agreeable blunders.
@ONELINERS= Notice on board in a men-only club

One of the great advantages of success is that you don't have to listen to
good advice anymore.
@ONELINERS= On a tycoon's notice-board in downtown New York

Love is going home and putting your feet up in front of a roaring wife.
@ONELINERS= In a marriage-guidance office in Piccadilly London

Dark room for lovers.  Quick developments.
@ONELINERS= In a photographic shop

Try our easy terms.  100 per cent down and nothing to pay.
@ONELINERS= In a Edinburgh

This rest room is for the use of ladies only.
In case of emergency, use fire escape.
@ONELINERS= Notice above door of Ladie's Room in a Glasgow nightclub

Dont get overcharged in other shops - come in here.
@ONELINERS= In the window of a store in Auckland, New Zealand.

Wanted - Man to wash dishes and two waitresses.
@ONELINERS= In window of a restaurant in Blackpool

If you are sitting on top of the world, remember, it turns over every
twenty-four hours.
@ONELINERS= On a church billboard in Boston, USA

A baby-sitter is a teenager who comes in to act like an adult while the
adults go out and act like teenagers!
@ONELINERS= In a London job shop

As maintenance costs are rising every month, parishioners are asked to
kindly cut the grass around their own graves.
@ONELINERS= Sign in an olde English churchyard

Eat here - Allah carte
@ONELINERS= Notice in a Pakistani Restaurant

My mother made me a homosexual.
(scrawled underneath) If I get her the wool, would she make me one, too?
@ONELINERS= Scrawled in a lavatory in a London Pub

When two trains are approaching each other at a crossing, they shall both
come to a full stop, and neither shall start up until the other has gone.
@ONELINERS= Notice in a railroad engineer's office in Kansas

Drivers, take care - do not kill a child.
(written below) Wait for a teacher.
@ONELINERS= On a sign in Brisbane

We give Breast Results.
@ONELINERS= In a beauty salon in Los Angeles

Money talks - sometimes it screams!
@ONELINERS= In a Dublin money-lender's office

Postman, kindly latch our front gate behind you (Signed) The Dog.
(Chalked below) 'Stop chewing my pants first! (Signed) The Postman.
@ONELINERS= On a door of a house in Middlesex

Anyone who comes to a psychiatrist needs his head examined!
@ONELINERS= In a psychiatrist's office in New York

What a simple tune.  It's a wonder nobody thought of it first.
@ONELINERS= Steve Race

Paul Allot drying the wet ball which is a disadvantage in Lancashire's
favour.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Frank Hayes

I don't want to sit on the fence but it could go either way.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Maurice Banford

He's like a needle in a haystack, this man - he's everywhere!
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ray French

There isn't a record in existence that hasn't been broken.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Chay Blyth

I like playing in Sheffield...
it's full of Melancholy happy-go-lucky people.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Alex Higgins

Alex, unlike many other professional players, adds a bit on his cue rather
than put on an extension.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ted Lowe

And Griffiths has looked at that blue four times now, and it still hasn't
moved.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ted Lowe

After 12 frames, they stand all square.  The next frame, believe it or not,
is the 13th.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Vine

But there was still the big prize money - hanging there like a carrot
waiting to be picked.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Vine

He has to stay level, or one frame behind, that's the only way he can beat
him.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Dennis Taylor

That's inches away from being millimetre perfect.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ted Lowe

Steve, with his sip of water, part of his make-up.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ted Lowe

Well, the shot would have been safe if the red hadn't ended up over the
pocket.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ted Lowe

He's completely disappeared.  He's gone back to the dressing room.  Nobody
knows where he has gone.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ted Lowe

If our swimmers want to win any more medals they'd better put their
skates on.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Dave Brenner

Chris Lloyd came out of the dressing room like a pistol.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Virginia Wade

Strangely enough, Kathy Jordan is going to the net first,
which she always does.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Fred Perry

Lloyd did what he acheived with that shot.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jack Bannister

Diane - keeping her head beautifully on her shoulders.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ann Jones

That shot he's got to obliterate from his mind a little bit.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Mark Cox

He has got to sit down and work out where he stands.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Fred Perry

Martina, she's got several layers of steel out there like a cat with
nine lives.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Virginia Wade

Chip Hooper is such a big man that it is sometimes difficult to see where
he is on the court.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Mark Cox

Zola Budd: so small, so waif-like, you literally can't see her.
But there she is.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Alan Parry

If's the first indoor outing this year.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Alan Parry

There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

This could be a repeat of what will happen at the European games next week.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

One of the great unknown champions because very little is known about him.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

You were treading where no man fears to go.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ron Pickering

Ernest Vettori, the man of the moment, last year.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ron Pickering

All three girls, medalists in the Commonwealth Games, continue their duel.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter Matthews

You have to talk in metres because nobody under 16 understands feet
nowadays.  The course is 1.6 miles long.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Vine

Panetta was silver medalist in the European championships, when he led all
the way.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

She's not Ben Johnson, but then who is?
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

The Italians are hoping for an Italian victory.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

This race is all about racing.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

Watch the time - it gives you a good indication of how fast they're
running.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ron Pickering

The news from the Javelin is that it was won by that winning throw we saw
earlier.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

Of course it doesn't mean anything, but what it does mean is that Bile is
very relaxed.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

That would have won him the gold medal in the Championship four years ago
which he won anyway.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Desmond Lynam

He's got to stick the boot in, to use a technical term.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Steve Ovett

Henry Marsh, the tail-ender, is right at the back.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ron Pickering

If this boy keeps his head and keeps running, the sky's at his feet.
@FOOTINMOUTH= George Blackburn

One thing I must say about this packed meeting, it is absolutly packed.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ron Pickering

Dave Bedford, the athlete of all time in the 1970s.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

At the moment Petranoff is ahead by virtue of hhis position at the moment.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ron Pickering

There are no opportune times for a penalty, and this isn't one of those
times.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jack Youngblood

My mum says I used to fight my way out of the cot.  But I can't remember.
That was before my time.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Frank Bruno

Bruno's strength, in fact, is his strength.
Round 1.  Start of the fight, in fact.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Desmond Lynam

That's cricket, Harry, you get these sort of things in boxing.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Frank Bruno

At the finish, it was all over.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jim Watt

His face was a mask of blood, I think he must have a cut somewhere.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Henry Cooper

I've never seen a Mexican pushover boxer and this man ccertainly isn't one
of them.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Harry Carpenter

England were beaten in the sense that they lost.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Dickie Davis

The wicket didn't do too much, but when it did, it did too much.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Mike Gatting

Gary never had a nickname - he was always called either Gary or The King.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Pat Pocock

Vengsarkar taking a simple catch at square leg, the ball literally dropping
down his throat.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Bob Willis

The field is not very far behind and these two are not very far in front.
@FOOTINMOUTH= LWT commentator

There's only one way to go from this, sixty double ten or twenty twenty
double top.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Eric Bristow

Never go for a 50/50 ball unless you're 80/20 sure.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ian Dark

AnΣ there'≤ Ra∙ Clemencσ lookinτ a≤ coo∞ as ever out in the cold.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jimmy Hill

And the news from Guadalajara, where the temperature is a staggering 96
degrees, is that Falcao is warming up.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Brian Moore

If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the
same thing again.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Terry Venables

I am not a believer in luck...but I do believe you need it.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Alan Ball

I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Kevin Keegan

Celtic Manager Davie Hay still hhas a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve.
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Greig

I spent four indifferent years at Goodison, but they were great years.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Martin Hodge

It's the only way we can lose, irrespective of the result.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Graham Taylor

He's very fast and if he get's a yeard ahead of himself nobody will
catch him.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Bobby Robson

Peter Reid is hobbling, and I've got a feeling that that will slow him
down.
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Motson

The shot from Laws was precise but wide.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Alan Parry

Dewalt had all kinds of time momentarily.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Pat Marsden

If we get promotion, let's sit down and see where we stand.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Roy McFarland

Their football was exceptionally good...and they played some good football.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Bobby Robson

This may be a take-away joint, but that doesn't mean customers can take away
our menu cards.
@ONELINERS= Printed at the foot of a menu in toronto

It is better to be stupid like everyone than to be clever like no one.
@ONELINERS= On the notice-board in a London banking house

Remember, the honeymoon is over when HE says he'll be late for dinner,
and SHE's already left a note saying it's in the fridge.
@ONELINERS= In reception suite of a New York marraige-guidance bureau

The bigger a man's head grows, the easier it is to fill his shoes.
@ONELINERS= A sign in a city board-room

Think before you speak - and you will find yourself with less to talk
about.
@ONELINERS= On a notice-board in Glasgow University

Three - coarse lunches £1.15
@ONELINERS= At an inn in the English Lake District

Keep Smiling!  It makes people wonder what you are up to.
@ONELINERS= In a doctors reception room

Sorry, Clothed for Winter.
@ONELINERS= Sign outside a nudist colony

Caution!  Unexpected Stops.  Wife Learning to Drive.
@ONELINERS= In rear window of a car in Liverpool

For Sale, Smoker's chair.  Solid Ash.
@ONELINERS= In a second-hand furniture shop in carlisle

Our service is normal on Sunday - except for certain cancellations,
alterations and additions.
@ONELINERS= Notice in a bus station in Dublin

Tact is the rare talent for not admitting you were right in the first
place.
@ONELINERS= Notice in office of a psychiatrist

Illiterate?  Write Today for Free Help.
@ONELINERS= Notice on a public hoarding in Southern Ireland

Schizophrenia divides and rules, OK?
@ONELINERS= Grafitti

Drop your trousers for best results.
@ONELINERS= Outside a dry-cleaner's in Fuengirola, Southern Spain.

A man needs a wife because, sooner or later, something is bound to happen
that he can't blame on the Government.
@ONELINERS= Notice in a marraige-guidance bureau

In a hurry?  Why not have a coffee and roll downstairs?
@ONELINERS= Sign in a North Wales cafe

It is impossible to please the whole world and your mother-in-law aswell.
@ONELINERS= Sign in a marraige bureau in Wellington, New Zealand

Credit given only to people over 75 accompanied by their parents.
@ONELINERS= In window of a butchers in Fort William, Scotland.

Why risk a hangover?  Stay Drunk!!
@ONELINERS= Notice in a pub in Bolton

You can't beat our milk, but you can whip our cream.
@ONELINERS= Outside a diary near Bristol

Women are creatures who wrap men either around their little fingers or
around their front bumpers.
@ONELINERS= Notice in a car-repairer's

Love is being willing to share your toothbrush with someone else.
@ONELINERS= Notice in honeymoon suite of a San Francisco hotel

Never forget - a mistake is evidence that someone has tried to do
something.
@ONELINERS= On a managing director's desk in London's Regent Street

The nicest thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
@ONELINERS= Sign in an old folks' club in Philadelphia, USA

If you think the going is easy, take another look.  You may well be going
downhill.
@ONELINERS= On a church notice-board in New York

Drinkers who leave while the room is in motion will be doing so at their
own risk.
@ONELINERS= In a pub in rural Devon

An international crisis is like sex - as long as you keep talking about it,
nothing happens.
@ONELINERS= Notice in a foreign embassy in Paris

When you are down and out, something always turns up - and it's usually the
noses of your friends.
@ONELINERS= In a job shop in Birmingham

Note on windscreen of car illegally parked :
   Been round the square 10 times, can't find parking place.
   Forgive us our trespasses. - Reverend J. Mitchell

Two hours later the Reverend returned to find this note alongside a parking
ticket :
   Been round the square 10 years.  If I don't book you, I lose my job.
   Lead us not into temptation. - Traffic warden
@VERBOSE= Happened in a street in Edinburgh

Brains are never a handicap to a woman if she's smart enough to hide them
under a see-through blouse.
@ONELINERS= On notice-board of a commercial office in Johannesburg

The art of communicating with a woman is to hear what she doesn't say.
@ONELINERS= In a psychologist's reception-office

We'd like to help you out.  Which way did you come in?
@ONELINERS= Notice at the complaints desk of a department store

This Tree Hits Cars Only in Self-Defence.
@ONELINERS= On a tree in the middle of the road near Seville, Spain.

Don't start telling me what I mean - Let me figure it out myself.
@ONELINERS= On the desk of a company president in Fifth Avenue, New York

The man who thinks he's smarter than his wife is married to a clever woman.
@ONELINERS= In a divorce lawyer's office

Peanuts:     The Drinking Man's Filter.
@ONELINERS= Notice beside a bowl of peanuts in a Californian bar

I agree with everything you are saying but I must admit you are wrong.
@ONELINERS= Notice in the office of a High Court judge

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, but always with
the same person.
@ONELINERS= Notice in a marriage-counselling office in Stockholm

Driving with one hand on the wheel and one hand on the girl satisfies
neither the Highway Patrol nor the girl.
@ONELINERS= Notice in a driving-school in Glasgow

Don't be indispensable.  If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
@ONELINERS= Sign in an office in Fifth Avenue, New York

An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more
than he knows.
@ONELINERS= On a notice board at Cambridge University

Tubby or not tubby, fat is the question!
@ONELINERS= Sign in a belfast slimming clinic

For sale - handsome Basset Hound.  Can be seen at above address in the
evening or heard within a two mile radius at dawn.
@ONELINERS= Card in a shop window in Cardiff

Blood donors wanted.  Help keep us in the RED.
@ONELINERS= Notice in hospital clinic

Look after the pence, and the tax-man will take care of the pounds.
@ONELINERS= In a tax consultant's office in London

Our home-made claret competition was a big success.
Winners : Mrs Arnold (fruity, well rounded),
          Mrs Stephens (fine colour and full-bodied),
          and Miss Smith (slightly acid).
@ONELINERS= On a church notice-board in Leeds

Husbands ordering specially mixed colours must have signed note from their
wives.
@ONELINERS= In a paint shop in Los Angeles

Call Us Any Time, Night or Day.  We Always DELIVER.
@ONELINERS= Sign in a maternity hospital in Melbourne

Please note - this invoice is now overdue the original was witten on
papyrus!
@ONELINERS= On a demand note from a firm in Glasgow

A dangerous fanatic is someone who would be a Dedicated Idealist if he
happened to be on your side.
@ONELINERS= On a notice-board in a trade union office in London

If you keep blowing your own horn, people are going to be quick to get out
of your way.
@ONELINERS= Notice on an office wall in Glasgow

Congregation members wanted.  No experience necessary.
@ONELINERS= Outside a church in Perth, Australia

Don't kiss our girls.  They're all tellers.
@ONELINERS= Notice in a bank in San Francisco

Kissing don't last.  Cookery do!
@ONELINERS= Sign in a marriage bureau in Kentucky, USA

Will ladies kindly empty teapots and kettles and then stand upside down in
the sink.
@ONELINERS= Notice in kitchen of a church hall in Torquay

Always borrow from a pessimist - He doesn't expect his money back.
@ONELINERS= In a savings bank in New York

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
@ONELINERS= On a public relations manager's desk

Dinner on tomorrow's trip to Madrid will be provided free since the cost
has already been added to the original price of the ticket.
@ONELINERS= Notice in a Spanish hotel.

Lecture on Clairvoyance cancelled - owing to unforeseen circumstances
@ONELINERS= Notice on door of a public hall in Manchester

If you with litter will disgrace,
And Spoil the Beauty of This Place,
May Indigestion Rack Your Chest,
And Ants Invade Your Pants and Vest.
@ONELINERS= Sign on a beach in California

The rarest thing in the world is a woman who is pleased with a photograph
of herself.
@ONELINERS= Notice in a photographer's studio

Will the man who picked up mink coat at the Dunes Hotel Sunday night please
return the smart blonde who was in it.  No quoestions asked.
- Lonely Husband.
@ONELINERS= Advert in a Las Vegas newspaper

If you really want to let the rest of the world go by, make sure you drive
within the speed limit.
@ONELINERS= Notice in a service-station forcourt off the M1 motorway

An argument is where two people are trying to get the LAST word in FIRST!
@ONELINERS= On notice-board of a college debating hall

If it weren't for the last minute, an awful lot of things would never get
done.
@ONELINERS= On a company president's desk in Bosron, USA

Buy Land Now.  It's Not Being Made Any More.
@ONELINERS= In a real-estate office window in a London suburb

We Are Open Seven Days A Week, Including Sundays.
@ONELINERS= Notice in a restaurant in Majorca

Everyone should live within his means these days - even if he has to borrow
to do it.
@ONELINERS= In a loan office in Manchester

Divorces $85.  Satisfaction Guaranteed or Your Partner Back!
@ONELINERS= In a lawyer's office in California

Stretch the Truth and your Story will wear Thin!
@ONELINERS= In a law court in Philadelphia

True love is when you spend £50 for an operation on a £5 dog.
@ONELINERS= In a veterinary-surgeon's reception room

There will be no last bus from here tonight.
@ONELINERS= At a bus station in Liverpool

The try-angle will take you round the hardest of corners.
@ONELINERS= On a church notice-board in London

Tact is the rare talent of not quite telling the truth.
@ONELINERS= In a psychiatrist's surgery

There's nothing like the new TV shows to take your mind of entertainment.
@ONELINERS= In a cinema foyer in Toronto

If you can't see what you want, you're at the right shop.
@ONELINERS= Sign in window of an optician's

Trespassers Admitted.  Our bull will charge later.
@ONELINERS= In a field in Galloway, Scotland

No pushing, except in an emergency.
@ONELINERS= In an elevator in New York

Be Yourself!  There isn't anyone better qualified.
@ONELINERS= In reception room of a London psychiatrist

Etiquette is knowing which fingers to put in your mouth when you whistle
for the waiter.
@ONELINERS= In a New York restaurant

Used bicycle for Girl with Leather Seat.
@ONELINERS= For Sale notice in window

Messages from Wives and Loved Ones Taken in Rough Translation.
Verbatim cannot be guaranteed.
@ONELINERS= In a Pub in Southampton

Now you've passed your test, don't try and pass everything.
@ONELINERS= Notice in a driving-school

The toughest thing about success is that you've got to keep on being a
success.
@ONELINERS= On a promotions notice-board in a London office

Remind me never to put off until tomorrow the things I've already put off
until today.
@ONELINERS= On a company director's desk in Toronto

Spectators are requested NOT to fall into excavation so as not to injure
workmen.
@ONELINERS= On a temporary fencing in front of excavations in Chicago

Never wait for something to turn up - Get busy and turn it up yourself.
@ONELINERS= At a salespersons' convention in Detroit

It is not the company's policy to let employees go home
Friday nights as tired as they come in on Monday mornings.
@ONELINERS= On a notice-board in a city office

If you want to pull the wool over your wife's eyes, be sure to use a good
yarn.
@ONELINERS= In a village pub

At the last count, gossip was running down more people than automobiles.
@ONELINERS= Wayside pulpit notice outside New York

The old churchyard has been sadly neglacted bacause there have been no
burials for 20 years.  Please encourage everyone to remedy the situation.
@ONELINERS= In a church magazine

Old age is like everything else.  To make a success of it, you've got to
start young.
@ONELINERS= In a senior citizens' club in Portsmouth

Matrimony was the first union to defy management.
@ONELINERS= In a marriage-guidance bureau

Confidence is the feeling you have before you know better.
@ONELINERS= On a company director's desk in Toronto

Remember the tortoise - you only make headway if you stick your neck out.
@ONELINERS= In a London psychiatrist's

Anatomy section closed due to strike.  Skeleton service available.
@ONELINERS= On a medical college notice-board at Edinburgh

During working hours staff are not allowed to eat anything outside the
canteen except the gate-house attendant.
@ONELINERS= In a factory in Auckland, New Zealand

Better to have loved a short girl than never to have loved a tall.
@ONELINERS= In a marriage bureau in Melbourne

We have new items every Monday.
@ONELINERS= Notice in antique shop at Windermere, England

If one half of the world knew how the other half lived, they wouldn't pay
their bills either.
@ONELINERS= Notice in debt-collector's office in Leeds

Warning: Politicians can damage your wealth.
@ONELINERS= Outside a petrol station near Manchester

...licensing hours are extended through the afternoon 'on each Sunday of
the year (except Sunday, Christmas Day and Good Friday)'
@ONELINERS= Notice in a hotel in Driffield, Yorkshire

Make your MP work.  Don't re-elect him.
@ONELINERS= On a car sticker

Everything for your pets.  Send s.a.e. for free ill. cat.
@ONELINERS= From an advertisement in a Shropshire newspaper

Make somebody happy - wring Buzby's neck.
@ONELINERS= On a car sticker

So you think I'm a bad driver.  You should see me putt.
@ONELINERS= From a handwritten notice in a car rear window

British Rail stabbed us in the back by blowing the talks out of the water
before they even got off the ground.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jimmy Napp

The answer's an affirmative 'Yes'.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Nigel Mansell

That's what batting's all about - knowing where the stumps are.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ray Illingworth

You seem to be batting into sticky water.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Mike Scott

I hope no-one's house is burning down.  It's much too nice a day to be left
without a house.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Henry Blofeld

You have a real feel for the history of the past, don't you?
@FOOTINMOUTH= Derek Jameson

If you can imagine a clock face, the wind is coming from about half-past
two.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter Allis

And with 35 minutes gone, it's Barcelona 2, Sofia 1.  Just the kind of
result we were expecting at this stage, except that the Bulgarians have
scored.
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Helm

We can't sit here and stand for it.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter Temple Morris

You're a sort of Rupert Murdoch of Australia, aren't you?
@FOOTINMOUTH= Emma Freud

He seems to have found a chink in Chang's armour.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Mercer

He certainly looks older than he did last year.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Mark Cox

He's wise enough in the ways of the world to realise he's got to play as
many balls as he can.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Gerald Williams

Cahill's courage...courage one can expect from a man whose father captains
an Adelaide bowls team.
@FOOTINMOUTH= on a BBC radio programme

That was an absolutely booming second service, it took off like a
parachute.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Gerald Williams

Steffi (Graf) has a tremendous presence when you're standing right next to
her.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Virginia Wade

Michael Chang is very young but mature in years.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Paul Hutchings

The fact that he has won has probably done him more good than harm.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Frew Macmillan

But now he has to consummate the lead...and that's not always easy.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Mark Cox

Many supporters say they wouldn't stand for all-seater stadiums.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Guy Michelmore

You know, the Brazilians aren't as good as they used to be, or as they are
now.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Kenny Dalglish

Let me then switch tacks and change horses in midstream.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Chris Dunkley

Omens are there to be broken.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Bob Wilson

Bangkok is probably the most unique city in the world.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Simon Bates

Incidentally, by the way.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

I'd like to play Scrooge in Oliver Twist
@FOOTINMOUTH= Luke from BROS

There's no smoke without mud being flung around.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Edwina Currie

Stuart Pearce, who leads from the front, even though he plays from the
back.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Pleat

Businessmen should stand or fall on their own two feet.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Edwina Currie

Well I think Arsenal will either win or lose the championship this year.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Graham Taylor

He's doing well...he's letting his legs do the running.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Brendan Foster

Interviewer : "Why did you decide to put your head above the parapet on this
               issue?"
Tory MP     : "To gauge the temperature of the water."
@FOOTINMOUTH= From the Today radio programme

After banging your head against a brick wall for long enough you'd think
that some of it would rub off.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Alex Murphy

I used to sit in your seat, so I know exactly where you stand.
@FOOTINMOUTH= The New Professionals (Radio Programme)

The world is so big and so global now.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Pat Kane

There's one thing that the troubles in Belfast won't kill - and that's the
people.
@FOOTINMOUTH= George Best

What's your name, Kate?
@FOOTINMOUTH= Simon Bates

...you'll be able to read it in black and white tomorrow, and if you get
the Financial Times, you'll see it in pink and white.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Dominic Harrod

I don't know how old that horse is, but it certainly doesn't look it.
@FOOTINMOUTH= A horse racing commentator

A man in love is incomplete until he has married - then he's finished.
@ONELINERS= Zsa Zsa Gabor

Marriage is a wonderful invention; but then again so is a bicycle repair
kit.
@ONELINERS= Billy Connolly

Marriage isn't a process of prolonging the life of love, but of mummifying
the corpse.
@ONELINERS= P.G. Wodehouse & Guy Bolton

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy
@ONELINERS= A mexican proverb

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge then to let him
keep her.
@ONELINERS= Sacha Guiltry

Marriage is like life in this: it is a field of bettle and not a bed of
roses.
@ONELINERS= Robert Louis Stevenson

A wedding is a happy funeral.
@ONELINERS= Paul Theroux

Marriage is the result of the longing for the deep, deep peace of the
double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise longue.
@ONELINERS= Mrs Patrick Campbell

And I suppose, per head of population, a really tremendous ovation from
this crowd...
@FOOTINMOUTH= Tom Gravenby, BBC

He's doing the best he can do - He's making the worst of a bad job.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Fred Truman, Radio 3

Of his (Botham's) innings yesterday, soon said least mended, I think.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jack Bannister, BBC2

That should arrest the non-movement of the score board.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Neville Oliver, Radio 3

Everything was falling around beside him.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Tom Gravenby, BBC2

That strike rate, just under forty deliveries a ball.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jack Bannister, BBC2

America is the country where you buy a lifetime's supply of asprin for one
dollar and use it in two weeks.
@ONELINERS= John Barrymore

Americans like fat books and thin women.
@ONELINERS= Russell Baker

The trouble with America is that there are far too many wide open spaces
surrounded by teeth.
@ONELINERS= Charles Luckman

It is absurd to say there are neither ruins or curiosities in America when
they have their mothers and their manners.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

In America you watch TV and think it's totally unreal -
then you step outside and it's just the same.
@ONELINERS= Joan Armatrading

California is a great place - if you happen to be an orange.
@ONELINERS= Fred Allen

What a pity when Christopher Columbus discovered America that he even
mentioned it.
@ONELINERS= Margot Asquith

I've been a New Yorker for ten years, and the only people who are nice to
us turn out to be moonies.
@ONELINERS= P J O'Rouke

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
@ONELINERS= H L Mencken

Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his
retreat.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

Young men want to be faithful, and are not;  Old men want to be faithless,
and cannot.
@WORDS= Oscar Wilde

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

Nothing spoils a romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman -
or the lack of it in a man.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

The old believe everything, the middle aged suspect everything,
the young know everything.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

Only people who look dull ever get into the House of Commons,
and only people who are dull ever succeed there.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

Moderation is a fatal thing - nothing succeeds like excess.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

Every woman is a rebel, and usually in wild revolt against herself.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time
to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

Signs of failure 1 to 5:
  (1) Your boss is younger than you.
  (2) You think the prizes on TV game shows are worth having.
  (3) You've never owned a car which doesn't need an MoT certificate.
  (4) You don't give to Oxfam shops, you buy from them.
  (5) You're over 30 and still travel by bus.
@GENERAL=

Signs of failure 6 to 10:
  (6) Your second home is a caravan.
  (7) You've never received junk mail from American Express.
  (8) Nobody is remotely jealous of you.
  (9) You don't know enough people to throw a party.
 (10) You've never moved house.
@GENERAL=

... he's a fully-fledged internationalist in the making.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Forbes McFall, BBC Scotland

... they're players who are half a yard quicker in their minds,
so their don't need to be there.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jim Duffy, Radio Scotland

At the end of the day, it's nil-nil at half time.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ray Clemence, BBC TV

... Coe, winding down the curtain on an era of days gone by...
@FOOTINMOUTH= Commentator, Radio 2

If the second half is anything like the first, England will certainly be
defending the goal to our right.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Commentator, Radio 2

A touch of Vivaldi here - Albinoni's Concerto in D Major.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Derek Jameson, Radio 2

Norman's greatest quality has always been his quality.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ron Atkinson

There's never a good time to score an own goal against yourself.
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Greig, Radio Scotland

JOHN MOTSON : "Well, Trevor, what does this substitution mean tactically?"
TREVOR BROOKING : "Well, Barnes has come off and Rocastle has come on..."
@FOOTINMOUTH= BBC TV

Our members will be grasping the bull by the horns only to find it's
a damp squid.
@FOOTINMOUTH= A trade union leader, Radio 4

I aim to prove I'm the boxer some people say I am, and some people say
I'm not.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Gary Mason, BBC Radio 2

The game finely balanced with Celtic well on top...
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Greig, Radio Scotland

The score is Liverpool 0, Norwich 0, and it's only the absence of a goal
that we're waiting for.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Commentator, BBC Radio 2

He's the one rotten apple who turns out to be the good egg.
@FOOTINMOUTH= William Feaver, BBC Radio 3

I'll decide when I write my obituary.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ian Botham, BBC Radio 4

There's Kallicharan chasing after it, his legs going even faster than
he is!
@FOOTINMOUTH= Henry Blofeld, BBC Radio 3

When those stalls open, the horses are literally going to explode.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Brough Scott, Channel 4

But to paraphrase a famous saying, who cares?
@FOOTINMOUTH= Alan Parry, ITV

... 18 months ago they (Sweden) were arguably one of the best teams in
Europe, and that would include Germany and Holland and Russia and...
anybody else if you like.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Bobby Robson, ITV

... with Robert Millar and Gianetti quite literally exploding into the
streets of Cardiff.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Richard Keys, Channel 4 (Tour of Britian Cycle Race)

... and I wouldn't like to be sitting in Alain Prost's shoes right now.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Barry Sheen, Channel 9, Australia

If he gets a yard ahead of himself, they won't catch him.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Bobby Robson, BBC1

A silence that's been graced by silence at Old Trafford this afternoon...
@FOOTINMOUTH= Brian Moore, ITV

Fair enough, he was in an offside position, but I don't think he was
offside.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jimmy Greaves, ITV

That was exactly the same place where Senna overtook Nannini that he did
not overtake Alain Prost.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker, BBC2

The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.
@ONELINERS= Quentin Crisp

I love children - especially when they cry, for then someone takes
them away.
@ONELINERS= Nancy Mitford

It is no wonder people are so horrible when they start life as children.
@ONELINERS= Kingsley Amis

Insanity is hereditary - you can get it from your children
@ONELINERS= Sam Levenson

The thing that impresses me most about Americans is the way parents obey
their children.
@ONELINERS= Duke of Windsor

Children are the most desirable opponents in Scrabble as they are both
easy to beat and fun to cheat.
@ONELINERS= Frank Lebowitz

I love children - parboiled.
@ONELINERS= W. C. Fields

Do your kids a favour - don't have any.
@ONELINERS= Robert Orben

Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them;
rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

It is customarily said that Christmas is done for the kids -
considering how awful Christmas is, and how little our society likes
children, this must be true.
@GENERAL= P. J. O'Rourke

Asking a working writer what he feels about critics is like asking
a lamppost what he feels about dogs.
@ONELINERS= John Osborne

Pay no attention to what the critics say - no statue has ever been put
up to a critic.
@ONELINERS= Jean Sibelius

A drama critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned.
@ONELINERS= George Bernard Shaw

Rock journalism is people who can't write, interviewing people who can't
talk, for people who can't read.
@ONELINERS= Frank Zappa

Having the critics praise you is like having the hangman say you've got a
pretty neck.
@ONELINERS= Eli Wallach

My mother - who was an alertly respectable woman - told me at an early age
that I was not to play with critics.
@ONELINERS= Robert Bolt

Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've seen
it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
@ONELINERS= Brendan Behan

Critics always want to put you into pigeonholes, which can be very
uncomfortable unless you happen to be a pigeon.
@ONELINERS= Max Adrian

You've got to miss them to score sometimes.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Dave Bassett

We didn't think we'd come here tonight and get any sort of result.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Les Sealey

And I honestly believe that we can go all the way to Wembley...
unless somebody knocks us out.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Dave Bassett

It was the game that put the Everton ship back on the road.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Alan Green

And Arsenal have plenty of time to dictate these last few seconds.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter Jones

Bobby Robson must be thinking of throwing some fresh legs on!
@FOOTINMOUTH= Kevin Keegan

Winning isn't the end of the world.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Pleat

Jim McLean, one of the few managers who can physically lift a side.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Arthur Montford

That's football, Mike, Northern Island have had several chances and
haven't scored but England had no chances and scored twice.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Trevor Brooking

In terms of the Richter Scale this defeat was a force eight gale.
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Lyall

Outside of quality we had other qualities.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Berty Mee

In comparison, there's no comparison.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ron Greenwood

Mirandinha will have more shots this afternoon than both sides put
together.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Malcolm MacDonald

Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Brian Moore

Football's not like an electric light.  You can't just flick the button
and change from slow to quick.
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Grieg

Certain people are for me, certain people are pro me.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Terry Venables

I'm going to make a prediction - it could go either way.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ron Atkinson

I was disappointed to leave Spurs, but quit pleased that I did.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Sterve Perryman

It's understandable and I understand that.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Terry Venables

We know what we need to do now so I think we'll either win or lose.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ian Rush

Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for
longer.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Acfield

Hoddle hasn't been the Hoddle we knew.  Neither has Robson.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ron Greenwood

He has a great understanding of where the goalkeeper is in relation to
the goal.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Pleat

He'll be giving everything, but he hasn't got everything to give.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ian St John

Fine tackling by Butcher using his telescopic legs.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jock Brown

The advantage of the rain is, that if you have a quick bike,
there's no advantage.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Barry Sheene

In motor-racing the ever present danger is always there.
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Watson

Senna with the big advantage of being in front.
@FOOTINMOUTH= James Hunt

Warwick has overtaken Alan Jones and, in the process, moved up a place.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

Just under ten seconds for Nigel Mansell - call it nine point five
seconds in round figures.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

I can't imagine what kind of problem Senna has.  I imagine it must be
some kind of grip problem.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

Alboretto has dropped back up to fifth place.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

As you look at the first four, the significant thing is that Alboretto
is fifth.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

And next week we have the Brazilian Grand Prix, which is in Brazil.
@FOOTINMOUTH= BBC World Service

I imagine that the conditions in those cars today are totally
unimaginable.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

Anything happens in Grand Prix racing and it usually does.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

Do my eyes deceive me, or is Senna's Lotus sounding a bit rough.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

It looks like adrenalin is a good disinfectant.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

With half the race gone, there is half the race still to go.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

We're looking at the man who won in '83, '85 and '86, so this could be his
hat-trick.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

He's obviously gone for a wheel change.  I say 'obviously' because I can't
see it.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker

So if you haven't set off for the centre yet, the best thing to do is to
turn back and go home.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Anne Nightingale

It's just gone 17 minutes past 4.  That's the time, by the way.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Paul Jordan

You must put your foot down with a firm hand.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Michael Van Stratten

At the end of the day Stalker goes backto work tomorrow.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Davud Moffat

His brother failed; let's see if he can succeed and maintain the family
tradition.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Coleman

You say you've always had this dream.  Tell me, have you always had this
dream?
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Frost

Eye witnesses were on the scene in minutes.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Adam Boulton

There's a lot of good older players around, but very few.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Carr

It's been a wet month just about everywhere, but suprisingly not
everywhere.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Michael Fish

Renault are currently enjoying huge losses.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Greg Strange

We are now living in the age in which we live.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Add Burds

Did you write the words, or the lyrics?
@FOOTINMOUTH= Bruce Forsyth

Most of the living legends I've been researching go back over centuries.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Andrew Jones

It says here, and it is underlined in capital letters.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Derek Jameson

It's a one-to-one dialogue.  You open your mouth and you're talking to six
million people.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Derek Jameson

It's a can of wormms full of Pandora's boxes.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Alan Watkins

It was completely quiet in the stadium - but noisy.
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Humphreys

I was driving through Kent and literally went through the bright blue
sunshine.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Mike Smith

My shoes are size two-and-a-half - the same size as my feet.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Elaine Page

If we can just get young people to do as their fathers did,
that is wear condoms.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Richard Branson

For many people, homeless simply means not having a home.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Rev. Donald Reeves

Voluteers are being given fake placebos.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Derek Jameson

I've always been a bit maturer that what I am.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Samantha Fox

I'll tell you one fact - it may be rather boring but it's interesting.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Barbara Cartland

It's only when you get to the outskirts of the city that the slippery
conditions really get a grip.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Norman Richard

The champion has retired after eight undefeated victories.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Richard Whitely

She drowned at the end of her life.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Alan Frank

I wonder if we ccan speak through rose-tinted spectacles.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Nick Ross

She shrugs her head.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Mercer

The roadworks are set for an indefinate period.  We don't know how long
that will be.
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Hawkins

I've got ten pairs of training shoes, one for every day of the week.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Samantha Fox

So Carol, you're a housewife and mother.  And have you got any children?
@FOOTINMOUTH= Michael Barrymore

There are only half-a-dozen people with that sort of talent.
In my estimation he was a one-off.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Danny La Rue

US planes have the capability to penetrate deep into Soviet Soil
@FOOTINMOUTH= General Rogers

A typical example of the government saying one thing with one hand
and another with the other hand.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Rob Grieg

A week is a long time in politics, and three weeks is twice as long.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Rosie Barnes

We spend weeks and hours every day preparing the budget.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ronald Reagan

The possibility of an arms agreement between the US and the USSR is now a
possibility.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter Hobday

It won't be long before the banana skins start raining down.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter Kellner

A very gloomy Brian Gould - as always a smile.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Dimbleby

He's sweating toil and blood out there.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Gary Davies

My second hit was a flop.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Shakin' Stevens

Sade is currently in Spain, but we've put in a transAtlantic call
and here she is.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Mike Smith (in England)

Not only was Sue having a nervous breakdown, but she was having a tough
time mentally too.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Simon Bates

He is in hospital suffering from a nervous breakdown, but no doubt he
will soon be better and running around like a maniac.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Simon Bates

I don't think we're going to get an award tonight...  I would hedge my
bets and say no.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Carol Decker (T'Pau)

It's one of those albums of CDs that you either have or you don't.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Bruno Brookes

The concert finishes at 8.00pm so you'll have plenty of time to get home
for the last bus.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Simon Bates

It was as if a small ten-megaton bomb had gone off.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Simon Bates

The band are going to be the biggest thing in the world,
almost as big as U2.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Bruno Brookes

People wonder why I go out with models with nothing between their heads.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Simon Le Bon

And there's the Victoria Memorial, built as a memorial to Victoria.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Dimbleby

A sweet little procession of brides and bridesmaids.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Dimbleby

And they haven't got replacements for Hall, even among the replacements.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Bill McLaren

And you can't really take your eyes off this game without seeing something
happen.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Harry Gration

Every Australian player dreams of playing at Wembley because of the
atmosphere, and the stigma.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Mark Elia

He won't feel the pressure as much as the more less-experienced players.
@FOOTINMOUTH= David Icke

Well, it's almost impossible to miss, but hitting is another matter...
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jim Meadowcroft

The frame was one that could go either way, but didn't
@FOOTINMOUTH= BBC2 Commentator

Almost perfect symmetry on the scoreboard: the 4 and the 3 on the left.
If they had been the same it would have been perfect.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Don Maskell

Take my wife...  PLEASE!
@ONELINERS= Anon

Found while Apollo made its closest approach to Jupiter:
    Made in Taiwan.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Against boredom, even the gods themselves struggle in vain.
@ONELINERS= Nietzsche

All the world's an analog stage and digital circuits play only bit parts.
@ONELINERS= Anon

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged
demo.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Anything not nailed down is mine.  Anything I can pry loose is not nailed
down.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Ask a silly person, get a silly answer
@ONELINERS= Anon

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Beauty times brains equals a constant.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Beware of Quantum ducks (Quark!Quark!Quark!)
@ONELINERS= Anon

Blessed are the inept for they will inherit the skies.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Blood is thicker than water--and much tastier
@ONELINERS= Anon

Born again virgin
@ONELINERS= Anon

Brute force, clumsiness, ignorance, and superstition will always
triumph over science, skill, knowledge, and logic.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Calm down. It's only ones and zeros.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Computers were invented by Murphy.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Conform, go crazy, or become an artist
@ONELINERS= Anon

A closed mouth gathers no foot.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A desk is a wastebasket with drawers
@ONELINERS= Anon

Don't ask me-I just work here
@ONELINERS= Anon

Don't ask me--I'm making this up as I go along
@ONELINERS= Anon

Don't hate yourself in the morning--sleep until noon
@ONELINERS= Anon

Do unto others before they do unto you
@ONELINERS= Anon

Due to a lack of trained trumpeteers, the end of the world has been
postponed indefinately.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Entropy isn't what it used to be.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Exceptions rule.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A fool and his guilt are soon parted.
@ONELINERS= Anon

God is real unless declared integer.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Grab them by the balls--the hearts and minds will follow.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Graduate of the Han Solo school of asteroid belt navigation.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Hell hath no fury like an unjustified assumption.
@ONELINERS= Anon

He who turns and runs away gets shot in the back.
@ONELINERS= Anon

I am not an alcoholic, I simply enjoy living in a liquid medium.
@ONELINERS= Anon

I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving again.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Ideas "off the top of the head" are like dandruff--small and flaky
@ONELINERS= Anon

I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.
@ONELINERS= Anon

I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of person
I preach to.
@ONELINERS= Anon

I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than have a pre-frontal
labotomy.
@ONELINERS= Anon

I have not lost my mind--it's backed up on disk somewhere
@ONELINERS= Anon

I may be a craven little coward, but i'm a GREEDY craven little coward.
@ONELINERS= Anon

I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
@SEX= Anon

I think, therefore I am, I think?!
@ONELINERS= Anon

If a man writes a better book, preaches a better sermon, or beds a
better whore than his neighbor, though he builds his domicile deep in
the woods, the world will beat a path to his door to find out who the
better whore was.
@SEX= Anon

If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs,
the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

If God thought that nudity was O.K., we would have been born naked.
@SEX= Anon

If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by
the page number.
@ONELINERS= Anon

If the first person who answers the phone cannot answer your question,
then its a bureaucracy.
@ONELINERS= Anon

If they give you ruled paper, write the other way.
@ONELINERS= Anon

I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.
@ONELINERS= Anon

I'm a hacker--I don't know the meaning of sleep.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

I'm not loafing. I work so fast I'm always finished.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Immoral Majority Charter Member.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Indecision is the basis of flexibility.
@ONELINERS= Anon

In the beginning the Universe was created.  This has made a lot of people
angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
@ONELINERS= Anon

It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
@ONELINERS= Anon

It's not a dungeon--it's a fortified underground defense installation.
@ONELINERS= Anon

It's what you can't see that can kill you.
@ONELINERS= Anon

I've been seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Knowing Murphy's Law won't help either.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The less you bother me, the sooner you'll get results.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Let's split up.  We can do more damage that way.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Love thy neighbour, but be sure her husband is out of town.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Machines should work.  People should think.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Moderation is for monks.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The moral majority is neither.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Never let your studies interfere with your education.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
@ONELINERS= Anon

No good deed goes unpunished.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Only those who attempt the absurd will achieve the impossible.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Old mercenaries never die.  They just go to hell and regroup.
@ONELINERS= Anon

People in groups tend to agree on courses of action which as individuals,
they know are stupid.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Possessor of a mind not merely twisted but actually sprained.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on the earth.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Reality is a hypothesis.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull over to the side
of the road.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Sin now -- Pray Later!
@ONELINERS= Anon

Smile--It makes people wonder what you're thinking.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
@ONELINERS= Anon

There are very few personal problems which can't be solved by a
suitable application of high explosives.
@ONELINERS= Anon

There is a difference between an open mind and a hole in the head.
@ONELINERS= Anon

There is always free cheese in a mousetrap.
@ONELINERS= Anon

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instanly
disappear and be replaced by something even more bizzare and
inexplicable.  There is another theory which states that this has
already happened.
@VERBOSE= HitchHiker's Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)

There is no point in worrying about apathy when you can't care less.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Too many decisions are measured with a micrometer, marked with chalk,
and cut with an axe.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Two's company, three's the result.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Under the most carefully controlled conditions of temperature,density,
and pressure, the organism wil do what it damn well pleases.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Unicorns aren't mythical--virgins are!!
@SEX= Anon

Virginity can be cured.
@SEX= Anon

Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The way to a man's heart is with a broadsword.
@ONELINERS= Anon

What this world needs is a damn good plague.
@ONELINERS= Anon

When all else fails, read the instructions!
@ONELINERS= Anon

When the going gets wierd, the weird turn pro.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Who is more foolish, the fool, or he who follows the fool?
@ONELINERS= Anon

Wisdom consists of knowing when to avoid perfection.
@ONELINERS= Anon

You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to swim on his back,
you've got something.
@ONELINERS= Anon

You know better than to trust a strange computer.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
@ONELINERS= Anon

She offered her honor.
He honored her offer.
And all night long it was honor and offer.
@SEX= Anon

Scientists say the only things which will survive a nuclear war are rats
and cockroaches.  Therefore, if a war starts...
GET YOUR ASS UNDER THE FRIDGE!
@ONELINERS= Anon

IBM Manual:          The following is a hertofore undocumented feature.
English Translation: It's a bug, it's our fault, and there isn't a damn
                     thing you can do about it.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Death to the fascist insects who suck the blood of the people!
@ONELINERS= Anon

When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
@ONELINERS= Anon

No experiment is ever a complete failure, in as much as a well-written
account of it can serve admirably as a bad example.
@ONELINERS= Anon

For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they
will like.
@ONELINERS= Anon

It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
@ONELINERS= Anon

No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was
human nature.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The plural of spouse is spice.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Do not merely believe in miracles, rely on them.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known
as wheels.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Programming errors which would normally require one day to find will
take five days when the programmer is in a hurry.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

I am a computer.  As such I never have or will make a mistake
or error (I thought i did once, but I was wrong).
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
they charge fifteen cents for them.
@ONELINERS= Anon

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law;
and every time they make a law it's a joke.
@ONELINERS= Anon

How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
@ONELINERS= Anon

He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
@ONELINERS= Anon

There is hardly a thing in the world that someone cannot make a little
worse and sell a little cheaper.
@ONELINERS= Anon

How often it is that the angry woman rages denial
of what her inner self is telling her.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.
I hope I don't get run over again.
@ONELINERS= Anon

What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands,
and goes to work.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Someday somebody has got to decide whether the typewriter is the machine,
or the person who operates it.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is
done by children.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Somebody ought to cross ballpoint pens with coat hangers,
so that the pens will multiply instead of disappearing.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A person forgives only when she is in the wrong.
@ONELINERS= Anon

If a loafer is not a nuisance to you, it is a sign that you are
somewhat of a loafer yourself.
@ONELINERS= Anon

If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist,
and too rich to be a communist.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Death:  to stop sinning suddenly.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive.
@ONELINERS= Anon

About the only thing we have left that actually discriminates in
favor of the plain people is the stork.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Liar:  One who tells an unpleasant truth.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Lisp:  To call a spade a thpade.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Modesty:  the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to
be aware of it.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Nothing succeeds like -- failure.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get
up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.
@ONELINERS= Anon

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to
be a boss and work twelve hours a day.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A diplomat is a woman who always remembers a man's birthday but never
remembers his age.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and
can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to
take you in.
@ONELINERS= Anon

It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything on earth to
worry about, she goes off and gets married.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Women were born to lie, and men to believe them.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last..
@ONELINERS= Anon

The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Every man is wrong until he cries, and then he is right, instantly.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
@ONELINERS= Anon

I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain.
@ONELINERS= Anon

We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Fidelity:  A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Forgetfulness:  A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation
                for their destitution of conscience.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Lighthouse:  A tall building on the seashore in which the government
             maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Philosopy:  unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a person of some sense to
know how to lie well.
@ONELINERS= Anon

She is considered the most graceful speaker who can say nothing in
most words.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
@ONELINERS= Anon

America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for
one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Acquaintance:  A person whom we know well enough to borrow from,
               but not well enough to lend to.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

'Home, Sweet Home' must surely have been written by a bachelor.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
people to approach printed matter with distrust.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible
worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
@ONELINERS= Anon

In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of
the enemy.
@ONELINERS= Anon

My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should be able to change
him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Older sister:  "Why are you wearing my new raincoat?"
Younger sister: "I didn't want to get your new dress wet."
@ONELINERS= Anon

Some people are discovered; others are found out.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or situations
that can't bear inspection.
@ONELINERS= Anon

To laugh at persons of sense is the privilege of fools.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
@ONELINERS= Anon

With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Dawn:
     The time when women of reason go to bed.  Certain old women prefer
to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an
empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with
pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe
years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of
their habits, but in spite of them.  The reason we find only robust
persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have
tried it.
@VERBOSE= Foolish Dictionary

Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Those who talk don't know.  Those who don't talk, know.
@ONELINERS= Anon

He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
@ONELINERS= Anon

He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The universe is laughing behind your back.
@ONELINERS= Anon

You can call him an outdoor boy if he has the bloom of youth on his
cheeks and the cheeks of youth in his bloomers.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this
telegram was sent from a wife to her husband: "NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER
COME HOME AT ONCE."
@ONELINERS= Anon

Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells awful.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
@ONELINERS= Anon

To criticise the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to
criticise the competent.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Women seldom show dimples to boys who have pimples.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The Hebrew school teacher asked one of his students if she said prayers
before before meals.  The proud little girl answered, "Oh, not me.
I don't have to - my dad's a good cook."
@ONELINERS= Anon

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The best prophet of the future is the past.
@ONELINERS= Anon

We took some pictures of the native boys, but they weren't developed.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Corrupt, adj.
     In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Maybe I was holding all the aces, but what was the game?
@ONELINERS= Anon

Forenoon, n. The latter part of the night.  Vulgar.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

To never see a fool, you lock yourself in an empty room and
break all the mirrors.
@ONELINERS= Anon

EVERYTHING NOT FORBIDDEN IS COMPULSORY.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
called a liberal.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Person, n.  An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what she
  thinks she is as to overlook what she indubitably ought to be.  Her
  chief occupation is extermination of other animals and her own species,
  which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
  the whole habitable earth and Canada.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Occident, n.  The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.
  It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe of the
  Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
  they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce."  These, also, are the
  principal industries of the Orient.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Politics, n. pl.
A means of livelihood affected by the more degraded portion of our
criminal classes.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Possession, n. The whole of the law.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Preposterous, adj.  The idea that murder is a crime.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Saint, n.  A dead sinner revised and edited.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Scriptures, n.  The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished
  from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Your life has been cancelled. Please report to the nearest soul
reclamation center for recycling.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
@ONELINERS= Anon

I hope someday a Pope chooses the name Shorty.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Disco - A large group of people sweating in nice clothes.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.
@ONELINERS= Anon

One nice thing about being dead is that you become eligible
to appear on stamps and currency.
@ONELINERS= Anon

If you subtract your pulse rate from your I.Q., you get your
"blood-intelligence level."  This is the rate at which you decide
not to do something which might make you bleed.
@GENERAL= Anon

If you subtract you sneaker size from the caliber of a bullet fired
at you, you will get the number of centimeters you can run before
being hit.
@ONELINERS= Anon

She was an earthly woman, so I treated her like dirt.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Lie: The program is bug free.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
@COMPUTERS= Anon

He who hesitates is last.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A man's house is his hassle.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Chaste makes waste.
@ONELINERS= Anon

An engineer is someone who does list processing in Fortran.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Neutrinos have bad breadth.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Friction is a drag.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Biology grows on you.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Blame Saint Andreas - its all his fault.
@ONELINERS= Anon

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
@ONELINERS= Anon

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Schizophrenia beats being alone.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Battle Creek makes cereal terminals.
@ONELINERS= Anon

To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
@ONELINERS= Anon

He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Kiss me twice.  I'm schizophrenic.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Gravity brings me down.
@ONELINERS= Anon

When you're up to your hips in alligators,
You forget the original project was to drain the swamp.
@ONELINERS= Anon

While money can't buy happiness,
it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The cost of feathers has risen.... Now even down is up!
@ONELINERS= Anon

Do married women make the best wives?
@ONELINERS= Anon

Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Drilling for oil is boring.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Teachers have class.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Tennis players have fuzzy balls.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
@ONELINERS= Anon

On the wall of the women's restroom on the Enterprise:
          "Where no man has gone before"
@ONELINERS= Anon

Programming Department:  Mistakes made while you wait.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
   Open it and you remove all doubt.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Money is the root of all wealth.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Men have many faults,
Women only two:
Everything they say,
And everything they do!
@ONELINERS= Anon

I'm all for computer dating, But I wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
@ONELINERS= Anon

If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane!
@ONELINERS= Anon

The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity -
the rest is overhead for the operating system.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The bearing of a child takes nine months,
no matter how many women are assigned to the project.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
@ONELINERS= Anon

If you see an onion ring
     -answer it!
@ONELINERS= Anon

In case of fire,
   yell "FIRE!"
@ONELINERS= Anon

Rubber bands have snappy endings!
@ONELINERS= Anon

Every time I lose weight,
      It finds me again!
@ONELINERS= Anon

It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
@ONELINERS= Anon

An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Microwaves frizz your heir.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Neil Armstrong tripped.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stray.
@SEX= Anon

For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Heard on Noahs' ark:  Sailing is fun,
       but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Polymer physicists are into chains.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
@ONELINERS= Anon

There's no future in time travel.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Confucious say too damn much!
@ONELINERS= Anon

Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
@ONELINERS= Anon

If your feet smell and your nose runs - you're built upside down.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Part-time musicians are semiconductors.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal,
     if you don't use your thumbs.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
@ONELINERS= Anon

He who puts his nose to the grindstone is a bloody fool.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A friend in need is a pest indeed.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
@ONELINERS= Anon

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages
     will be known, far and wide, as a smart-ass.
@ONELINERS= Anon

He who hesitates is constipated.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
@ONELINERS= Anon

You can fool some of the people all of the time,
     and all of the people some of the time,
     but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Astronauts are out to launch.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Winning isn't everything, but then losing is nothing.
@ONELINERS= Anon

All I ask for is an opportunity to prove that
     money doesn't buy happiness.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Remember, the paper is always strongest at the perforations.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Biology grows on you.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
@ONELINERS= Anon

Recursive, adj.; see Recursive
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance.
@ONELINERS= Anon

An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought.
@ONELINERS= Anon

You can tune a piano, but you can`t tuna fish.
@ONELINERS= Anon

What`s the most popular form of birth control?
 The headache.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Ancient Chinese Curse:
 May you live in interesting times.
@ONELINERS= Anon

This place is so weird that the cockroaches
  have moved next door.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Crittendon`s 14th application of Murphy`s First Law:
  You cannot successfully determine beforehand which
  side of the bread to butter.
@LAWS=

Ginsberg`s Theorems:
  1) You can`t win.
  2) You can`t break even.
  3) You can`t even quit the game.
@LAWS=

Weiler`s Law:
  Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn`t
  have to do it himself.
@LAWS=

Chisolm`s Third Law, Corollary 3:
  Procedures designed to implement the purpose
  won`t quite work.
@LAWS=

O`Toole`s Commentary on Murphy`s Laws:
  Murphy was an optimist.
@LAWS=

Sevareid`s Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions.
@LAWS=

Kitman`s Law:  Pure drivel tends to drive away ordinary drivel.
@LAWS=

Sattinger`s Law: It works better if you plug it in.
@LAWS=

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Zymurgy`s First Law of Evolving System Dynamics:
 Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan
 them is to use a larger can.
@LAWS=

Bye`s First Law of Model Railroading:
  Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of
  faults encountered is proportional to the number of viewers.
@LAWS=

Don`s Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.
@LAWS=

First Law of Advice: The correct advice is to give the advice that is desired.
@LAWS=

Third Law of Advice:   Simple advice is the best advice.
@LAWS=

The Fourth Law of Computing: On a slow day, you can wait forever.
@LAWS=

Sweer`s Impossibility Theorem:
   Nothing can be both completely general
   and internally consistent at the same time.
@LAWS=

Murphy`s Seventh Law:
   Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
@LAWS=

Murphy`s Eighth Law:
   If everything seems to be going well,
   you have obviously overlooked something.
@LAWS=

Chisolm`s Third Law, Corollary 1:
   If you explain so clearly that no one can misunderstand,
   somebody will.
@LAWS=

Chisolm`s Third Law, Corollary 2:
   If you do something which you are sure will meet with
   everyone`s approval, somebody won`t like it.
@LAWS=

Crane`s Law:
   There ain`t no such thing as a free lunch.
@LAWS=

Jones` Motto:
   Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
@LAWS=

Gumperson`s Law:
   The probability of anything happening is inversely
   proportional to its desirability.
@LAWS=

The usefulness of a meeting is inversely proportional
to its attendance.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Parkinson`s Second Law:
   Expenditures rise to meet income.
@LAWS=

Finagle`s Fourth Law:
   Once a job is messed up,
   anything done to improve it makes it worse.
@LAWS=

Always draw your curves then plot the readings.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Experiments should be reproducable,
  - they should all fail in the same way.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Cheops` Law:
  Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
@LAWS=

Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete
  than expected; carefully planned projects only twice as long.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Wynne`s Law:
  Negative slack tends to increase.
@LAWS=

Boren`s Law:
  When in doubt, mumble.
@LAWS=

Q`s Law:
  No matter what stage of completion one reaches in a project,
  the cost of the remainder of the project remains constant.
@LAWS=

Jargon is used as a means of succeeding by not simplifying.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The six steps in a project:
  1) Unbounded enthusiasm
  2) Total disillusionment
  3) PANIC!!
  4) Frantic search for the guilty
  5) Punishment of the innocent
  6) Promotion of the uninvolved.
@GENERAL= Anon

Two wrongs do not make a right:
  it usually takes three or more.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A lie in time saves nine.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
@ONELINERS= Anon

An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Bedfellows make strange politicians.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
you can always take something for it.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Running a business is about 95% people and 5% economics.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Patience is something that you admire greatly in the driver behind you
but not in the one ahead of you.
@ONELINERS= Anon

When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
@ONELINERS= Anon

It's always easy to see both sides of an issue we are not particularly
concerned about.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Why can't lifes's big problems come when
we are twenty and know everything ?
@ONELINERS= Anon

When you try to make an impression, the chances are that
that is the impression you will make.
@ONELINERS= Anon

When you save for a long time to buy something,
then you find that you can't afford it - that's inflation.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Kleptomaniac:  A rich thief.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Labour: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Man: An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.  His chief
occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
the whole habitable earth and Canada.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they
are in the market.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

November: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Pig:  An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by
the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in
scope, for it balks at pig.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
        1)  The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
            straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
            force is technically termed "car suck").
        2)  Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
            than "Watch this!"
@LAWS=

Frisbeetarianism║  Thσ belieµ tha⌠ wheε yo⌡ die¼ you≥ sou∞ goe≤ u≡ thσ oε
rooµ anΣ get≤ stuck.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Hofstadter's Law:
     It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
Hofstadter's Law into account.
@LAWS=

Main's Law:
     For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
@LAWS=

"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
@ONELINERS= Anon

Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
        It's on the other side.
@LAWS=

Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
        1)  Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
            check.
        2)  A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
        3)  There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
            attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
            attracted to dark objects.
@LAWS=

Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a
larger object.
@LAWS= Anon

If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
@ONELINERS= Marguerite Emmons

Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
@ONELINERS= Anon

"You must realize that the computer has it in for you.  The irrefutable
proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
@COMPUTERS= Anon

If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
how many?
@ONELINERS= Anon

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
Station-to-Station rate.
@ONELINERS= Anon

May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
@ONELINERS= Anon

May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts.
@ONELINERS= Anon

May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
Thousand Caramels.
@ONELINERS= Anon

In the days of old,
When Knights were bold,
And women were too cautious;

Oh, those gallant days,
When women were women,
And men were really obnoxious...
@GENERAL= Anon

$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
@LAWS= Phl's Law

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
@ONELINERS= Ambrose Bierce

When Marriage is Outlawed,
Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
@ONELINERS= Anon

HE:  Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
SHE: What?!?  Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
@ONELINERS= Walt Kelley

Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Dentist: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth,
         pulls coins out of one's pockets.
@WORDS= Ambrose Bierce

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
@ONELINERS= Anon

If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
develop.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Every solution breeds new problems.
@ONELINERS= Anon

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are
so ingenious.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Boling's postulate:
        If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.
@ONELINERS=

Anytime things appear to be going better,
you have overlooked something.
@ONELINERS= Anon

If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand,
somebody will.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Scott's first Law:
        No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
@LAWS=

Finagle's second Law:
        No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
        someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c)
        believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
@LAWS=

Finagle's third Law:
        In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
        beyond all need of checking, is the mistake

Corollaries:
        1.  Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
        2.  The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
            don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
@LAWS=

Finagle's fourth Law:
        Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
        makes it worse.
@LAWS=

A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Simon's Law:
        Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
@LAWS=

Ginsberg's Theorem:
        1.  You can't win.
        2.  You can't break even.
        3.  You can't even quit the game.
@LAWS=

Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
@LAWS= Anon

Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
        Negative expectations yield negative results.
        Positive expectations yield negative results.
@LAWS=

Howe's Law:
        Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
@LAWS=

Sturgeon's Law:
        90% of everything is crud.
@LAWS=

Brook's Law:
        Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
@LAWS=

Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
        Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
        vividly manifests their lack of progress.
@LAWS=

Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
        There's always one more bug.
@LAWS=

Law of the Perversity of Nature:
        You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
        bread to butter.
@LAWS=

Law of Selective Gravity:
        An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
@LAWS=

Jenning's Corollary:
        The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
        directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
@LAWS=

Paul's Law:
        You can't fall off the floor.
@LAWS=

Johnson's First Law:
        When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
        most inconvenient possible time.
@LAWS=

Watson's Law:
        The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
        number and significance of any persons watching it.
@LAWS=

Sattinger's Law:
        It works better if you plug it in.
@LAWS=

Lowery's Law:
        If it jams -- force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
@LAWS=

Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
        Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
@LAWS=

Cahn's Axiom:
        When all else fails, read the instructions.
@LAWS=

Jenkinson's Law:
        It won't work.
@LAWS=

Murphy's Law of Research:
        Enough research will tend to support your theory.
@LAWS=

Maier's Law:
        If the facts do not conform to the theory,
        they must be disposed of.

Corollaries:
        1.  The bigger the theory, the better.
        2.  The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
            50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
            obtain a correspondence with the theory.
@LAWS=

Williams and Holland's Law:
        If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
        statistical methods.
@LAWS=

Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
        Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
        out.
@LAWS=

Brooke's Law:
        Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
        discovers something which either abolishes the system or
        expands it beyond recognition.
@LAWS=

Meskimen's Law:
        There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
        do it over.
@LAWS=

Heller's Law:
        The first myth of management is that it exists.
@LAWS=

Johnson's Corollary:
        Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
        organization.
@LAWS=

Peter's Law of Substitution:
        Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
        themselves.
@LAWS=

Parkinson's Fourth Law:
        The number of people in any working group tends to increase
        regardless of the amount of work to be done.
@LAWS=

Parkinson's Fifth Law:
        If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
        bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
@LAWS=

Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
        People are always available for work in the past tense.
@LAWS=

Iron Law of Distribution:
        Them that has, gets.
@LAWS=

H. L. Mencken's Law:
        Those who can -- do.
        Those who can't -- teach.

Martin's Extension:
        Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
@LAWS=

Rule of Feline Frustration:
        When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
        content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
        bathroom.
@LAWS=

After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
removed.
@LAWS= Anon

After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
on the bench.
@LAWS= Anon

In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
are to be treated as variables.
@LAWS= Anon

Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
@LAWS= Anon

First Law of Bicycling:
        No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
@LAWS=

Boob's Law:
        You always find something in the last place you look.
@LAWS=

Law of Communications:
        The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
        between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
        area of misunderstanding.
@LAWS=

Harris's Lament:
        All the good ones are taken.
@LAWS=

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
@ONELINERS= Harry S Truman

Putt's Law:
        Technology is dominated by two types of people:
            Those who understand what they do not manage.
            Those who manage what they do not understand.
@LAWS=

First Law of Procrastination:
        Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
        for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
        imposed the deadline).
@LAWS=

Fifth Law of Procrastination:
        Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
        there is nothing important to do.
@LAWS=

Swipple's Rule of Order:
        He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
@LAWS=

Wiker's Law:
        Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
@LAWS=

Gray's Law of Programming:
        'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
        time as 'n' tasks.
@LAWS=

Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
        'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
@LAWS=

Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
        The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
        the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety
        percent.
@LAWS=

Weinberg's First Law:
        Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
@LAWS=

Paul's Law:
In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
@LAWS=

Malek's Law:
        Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
@LAWS=

Weinberg's Principle:
        An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
        sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
@LAWS=

Barth's Distinction:
        There are two types of people:  those who divide people into
        two types, and those who don't.
@LAWS=

Weiler's Law:
        Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
        himself.
@LAWS=

Beifeld's Principle:
        The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
        receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when
        he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3)
        a better looking and richer male friend.
@LAWS=

Hartley's Second Law:
        Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
@LAWS=

Pardo's First Postulate:
        Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

Arnold's Addendum:
        Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in
        rats.
@LAWS=

Parker's Law:
        Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
@LAWS=

Katz' Law:
        Man and nations will act rationally when all other
        possibilities have been exhausted.
@LAWS=

Mr. Cole's Axiom:
        The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
        population is growing.
@LAWS=

Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
        Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
        another drink.
@LAWS=

The Kennedy Constant:
        Don't get mad -- get even.
@LAWS=

Canada Bill Jone's Motto:
        It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

Supplement:
        A .44 magnum beats four aces.
@LAWS=

Your availability is your greatest asset.
@LAWS=

Jone's Motto:
        Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
@LAWS=

The Fifth Rule:
        You have taken yourself too seriously.
@LAWS=

Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
        No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
        legislature is in session.
@LAWS=

Churchill's Commentary on Man:
        Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
        time he will pick himself up and continue on.
@LAWS=

Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
        A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
@LAWS=

ROMEO:    Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
          door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
@ONELINERS= Anon

"He is now rising from affluence to poverty."
@ONELINERS= Mark Twain

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
wants to read.
@ONELINERS= Mark Twain

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous,
he will not bite you.  This is the principal difference between a dog
and a man.
@ONELINERS= Mark Twain

Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
@ONELINERS= Mark Twain

But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
@ONELINERS= Mark "The Bard" Twain

"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is
because we are not the person involved"
@ONELINERS= Mark Twain

"...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
picturesque liar."
@ONELINERS= Mark Twain

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.  I said I
didn't know.
@ONELINERS= Mark Twain

We have met the enemy, and he is us.
@ONELINERS= Walt Kelly

"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
@ONELINERS= William Gilbet

Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
        All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
@LAWS=

Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
        The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
        cork makes when it is popped.
@LAWS=

Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
        The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
@LAWS=

Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
        Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
        is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
        can never hope to acquire it.
@LAWS=

Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.

Angels we have heard on High
Tell us to go out and Buy.
@GENERAL= Anon

The Preacher, the Politicain, the Teacher,
        Were each of them once a kiddie.
A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
        Do I want one?  God Forbiddie!
@GENERAL= Ogden Nash

Who made the world I cannot tell;
'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
I never soiled with such a deed.
@GENERAL= A. E. Housman

Families, when a child is born
Want it to be intelligent.
I, through intelligence,
Having wrecked my whole life,
Only hope the baby will prove
Ignorant and stupid.
Then he will crown a tranquil life
By becoming a Cabinet Minister
@GENERAL= Su Tung-p'o

The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for
lists of "Ten Best".
@GENERAL= H. Allen Smith

We will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
we will cry over things we used to laugh &
our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile
creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
in the end a summer with wild winds &
new friends will be.
@GENERAL= Anon

This is for all ill-treated fellows
        Unborn and unbegot,
For them to read when they're in trouble
        And I am not.
@GENERAL= A. E. Housman

Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
out, and such as are out wish to get in?
@GENERAL= Ralph Emerson

The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue,
a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to
the contrary, nohow.
@GENERAL= Anon

Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
  Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can.
Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
@LAWS=

"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
as it is to invent. (R. Emerson)"
                -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
                   (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
                   [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
                   misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"]
@VERBOSE= Anon

Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
@ONELINERS= Anon

There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
@ONELINERS= Anon

"So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple
pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops
its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very
imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies,
and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top,
and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the
gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots."
@GENERAL= Samuel Foote

Hi there!  This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
@GENERAL= Anon

Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
        1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
        2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
        3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
            first two laws.
@LAWS=

Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
        Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
        equipment ruined.
@LAWS=

Boren's Laws:
        1)  When in charge, ponder.
        2)  When in trouble, delegate.
        3)  When in doubt, mumble.
@LAWS=

Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
        When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
@LAWS=

Rudin's Law:
        If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
        do it every time.
@LAWS=

Bucy's Law:
        Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
@LAWS=

Hacker's Law:
        The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
        a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
@LAWS=

Probable-Possible, my black hen,
She lays eggs in the Relative When.
She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
Because she's unable to postulate how.
@GENERAL= Frederick Winsor

Vail's Second Axiom:
        The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
        amount of work already completed.
@LAWS=

"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
the only ashtray."
@ONELINERS= Anon

Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
        He must be a communist.
And a beard and long hair,
        Must be a pacifist.
@ONELINERS= Anon

There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it
@ONELINERS= G. B. Shaw

Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
@ONELINERS= Howard Kandel

Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
@ONELINERS= Anon

It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
people.
@ONELINERS= Dolph Sharp

Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly
thrust into somebody's pocket.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
freedom and liberty.
@ONELINERS= Henrick Ibson

Wit: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
by leaving it out.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Yield to Temptation...it may not pass your way again.
@ONELINERS= Lazarus Long

I like work...
I can sit and watch it for hours.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.
@ONELINERS= Anon

"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
we could with both of them."
@ONELINERS= Major Major's father

Crime does not pay...as well as politics.
@ONELINERS= A. E. Newman

Keep you Eye on the Ball,
Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
Your Nose to the Grindstone,
Your Feet on the Ground,
Your Head on your Shoulders.
Now...try to get something DONE!
@GENERAL= Anon

Love is a word that is constantly heard,
Hate is a word that is not.
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
Love, I have read, is hot.
But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
And Love but a drug on the mart.
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
@GENERAL= Ogden Nash

Magpie: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it
might be taught to talk.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday...
@GENERAL= Walt Kelly

Democracy is also a form of worship.  It is the worship of Jackals by
Jackasses.
@ONELINERS= H. L. Mencken

Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
periods of fighting.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe?  Everything he
          says is wrong.
GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
          will be right.
@GENERAL= G. B. Shaw

People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
haven't what they want that they don't want it.
@GENERAL= Ogden Nash

Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.
I believe everything positively stinks.
@ONELINERS= Lew Col

Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
get your Feet wet.  Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
face.
@GENERAL= Anon

Recieving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
@ONELINERS= Dolph Sharp

The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
showed that all had these things in common:
        1)  They all had moderate appetites.
        2)  They all came from middle class homes
        3)  All but two of them were dead.
@GENERAL=

Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.
@ONELINERS= Ogden Nash

Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
but it's very funny--
        Did you ever try buying them without money?
@ONELINERS= Ogden Nash

Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with
a tempest of words.
@WORDS= Ambrose Bierce

Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
@ONELINERS= W. C. Fields

"Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
@ONELINERS= W. C. Fields

A dozen, a gross, and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
        Divided by seven,
        Plus five time eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
@GENERAL= Anon

Clothes maketh the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on
society.
@ONELINERS= Mark Twain

We really don't have any enemies.  It's just that some of our best
friends are trying to kill us.
@ONELINERS= Anon

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
@ONELINERS= Art Hoppe

"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling
keys..."
@ONELINERS= Anon

The ladies men admire, I've heard,
Would shudder at a wicked word.
Their candle gives a single light;
They'd rather stay at home at night.
They do not keep awake till three,
Nor read erotic poetry.
They never sanction the impure,
Nor recognize an overture.
They shrink from powders and from paints...
So far, I've had no complaints.
@VERBOSE= Dorothy Parker

I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
If I'm in bed each night by ten,
I may get back my looks again.
If I abstain from fun and such,
I'll probably amount to much;
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.
@VERBOSE= Dorothy Parker

        FIGHTING WORDS
Say my love is easy had,
    Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
Say I am too often sad --
    Still behold me at your side.

Say I'm neither brave nor young,
    Say I woo and coddle care,
Say the devil touched my tongue --
    Still you have my heart to wear.

But say my verses do not scan,
    And I get me another man!
@VERBOSE= Dorothy Parker

        COMMENT
Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Roumania.
@GENERAL= Dorothy Parker

        INVENTORY
Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.

Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.

Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.

Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
@VERBOSE= Anon

The Abrams' Principle:
        The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
@ONELINERS=

"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces..."
@ONELINERS= Anon

"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
@ONELINERS= Anon

Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
@ONELINERS= Anon

He who Laughs, Lasts.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Now and then, an innocent man is sent to the Legislature.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
pens will multiply instead of disappear.
@ONELINERS= Anon

"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."
@ONELINERS= Anon

Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
@ONELINERS= Anon

To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
@ONELINERS= Mae West

Famous last words:
You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
opinion.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
@ONELINERS= Ambrose Bierce

Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
ourselves.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Adore: To venerate expectantly.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
separately plunder a third.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Alone: In bad company.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Anoint: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently
        slippery.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
getting drunk.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather
we are having.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Her locks an ancient lady gave
Her loving husband's life to save;
And men -- they honored so the dame --
Upon some stars bestowed her name.

But to our modern married fair,
Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
No stellar recognition's given.
There are not stars enough in heaven.
@GENERAL= Anon

Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption
from the cares of office.
@GENERAL= Anon

Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
a man's head.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
@ONELINERS= Ambrose Bierce

Critic: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
to please him.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Deliberation: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side
it is buttered on.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Distress: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

A lady with one of her ears applied
To an open keyhole heard, inside,
Two female gossips in converse free --
The subject engaging them was she.
"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
As soon as no more of it she could hear
The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
"I will not stay," she said with a pout,
"To hear my character lied about!"
@GENERAL= Gopete Sherany

Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
safe, for you can watch both of his.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Garter: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
stockings and desolating the country.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery
of another.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Hatred: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
superiority.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
expound your own.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
@ONELINERS= Anon

Hippogriff:
An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.
The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which is
two dollars and fifty cents in gold.  The study of zoology is full of
surprises.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
and praiseworthy...
@WORDS= Ambrose Bierce

Please ignore previous fortune.
@ONELINERS=

Impartial: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
conflicting opinions.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Incumbent: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Interpreter: One who enables two persons of different languages to
understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
@ONELINERS= Disraeli

You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
@ONELINERS= J. D. Salinger

Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
Violators will be prosecuted.
(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
@ONELINERS=

You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
@ONELINERS= Alfred Kahn

gy-ro-scope: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and
also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
mutually perpindicular axes results from application of torque to the
other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
@WORDS= Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary

Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
The goal of nature is to build better mice.
@ONELINERS= Anon

United Nations, New York, December 25.  The peace and joy of the
Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of
all the military forces of the world.  Panic reigns in the hearts of
all the patriots of every persuasion.

Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
world.
@GENERAL= Isaac Asimov

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
superstition, and art into pedantry.  Hence University education.
@ONELINERS= G. B. Shaw

Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
sense from things she found in gift shops.
@ONELINERS= Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
@ONELINERS= Anon

Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
Let me clue you in;
I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser.
The cool Brutus gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs,
for Brutus is a real cool cat;
So are they all, all cool cats,
Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
@GENERAL Anon

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the double lock will keep;
May no brick through the window break,
And, no one rob me till I awake.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Did you know...
That no-one ever reads these things?
@ONELINERS=

Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
The Duke is fond of kittens
He likes to take their insides out
And use them for his mittens
@GENERAL= From "The Thirteen Clocks"

An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
@ONELINERS= Prof. Steiner

Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
guarantee of eventual success.
@ONELINERS= Anon

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!
@ONELINERS= Monty Python

It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the
problem.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
(Nick-les Worth).  Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
Americans call him by value.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
@LAWS= Anon

If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
you won't get any ice.  If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
ice, but no cup.
@LAWS= Anon

Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Those who can, do.  Those who can't, simulate.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Those who can't write, write manuals.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Surprise!  You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit!  Just type
in your name and social security number.  Please remember that leaving
the room is punishable under law:

Name    #
@ONELINERS= Anon

Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.  Now, if they'd only
take a bath...
@ONELINERS= Anon

"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
eyes..."
@ONELINERS= Anon

It seems like the less a statesman amounts to,
the more he loves the flag.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
avoid responsibility with?
@ONELINERS= Anon

SHIFT TO THE LEFT!  SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
@COMPUTERS= Anon

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.
@ONELINERS= Anon

"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
@ONELINERS= Yiddish saying

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
        (Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?"
@GENERAL= Anon

The men sat sipping their tea in silence.  After a while the klutz
said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
      "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other.  "Why?"
      "How should I know?  What am I, a philosopher?"
@GENERAL= Anon

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
people.
@ONELINERS= W. C. Fields

There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesale
returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
@ONELINERS=  Mark Twain

This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a change.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Beware of low-flying butterflies.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Green light in A.M. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for
traffic tickets.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.  Don't believe a
thing he tells you.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Do not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon.
@ONELINERS= Anon

You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
@ONELINERS= Anon

You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot today.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
@ONELINERS=

You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
and last month in advance.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.
@ONELINERS= Anon

You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Don't feed the bats tonight.
@ONELINERS=

Stay away from flying saucers today.
@ONELINERS=

You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Succumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Half Moon tonight.  (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
@ONELINERS= Anon

Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Do what comes naturally now.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so
get used to it.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Truth will be out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)
@ONELINERS= Anon

Travel important today;  Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
@ONELINERS= Anon

You can create your own opportunities this week.
Blackmail a senior executive.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Think of your family tonight.  Try to crawl home after the computer
crashes.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving to
a new town.
@ONELINERS= Anon

If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
tomorrow!
@ONELINERS= Anon

Excellent day to have a rotten day.
@ONELINERS= Anon

You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You are not paid enough
to worry.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery
of another.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
they charge fifteen cents for them.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Question:
Man Invented Alcohol,
God Invented Grass.
Who do you trust?
@ONELINERS= Anon

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
@ONELINERS= Anon

You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
otherwise require harder thinking.
@ONELINERS= Jerome Lettvin

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
@ONELINERS= D. J. Hicks

The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
talked about.
@GENERAL= Lazarus Long

What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
@ONELINERS= Peter S. Beagle

If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
@ONELINERS= Anon

According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
totally worthless.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Wasting time is an important part of living.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
has been discontinued.
@ONELINERS= Anon

I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
life.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike office water cooler.
@COOKIE= Anon

Excellent time to become a missing person.
@COOKIE= Anon

A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
@COOKIE= Anon

Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
@COOKIE= Anon

Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
@COOKIE= Anon

Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.
@COOKIE= Anon

Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
@COOKIE= Anon

You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
@COOKIE= Anon

Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
in eucalyptus trees.
@COOKIE= Anon

Surprise due today.  Also the rent.
@COOKIE= Anon

Avoid reality at all costs.
@COOKIE= Anon

Good day to let down old friends who need help.
@COOKIE= Anon

Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.
@COOKIE= Anon

You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
this sort of trash.
@COOKIE= Anon

What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
@COOKIE= Anon

Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
@COOKIE= Anon

Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
@COOKIE= Anon

Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
@COOKIE= Anon

A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
Avoid him.  He's a Commie.
@COOKIE= Anon

Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
@COOKIE= Anon

Nihilism should commence with oneself.
@COOKIE= Anon

Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
@WORDS= Anon

Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.
@ONELINERS= Anon

UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
@COOKIE= Anon

In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
will be temporarily canceled.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Drive defensively.  Buy a tank.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
for a dial tone.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Condense soup, not books!
@ONELINERS= Anon

The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!
@ONELINERS= Anon

Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
exciting Camden, New Jersy.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
@ONELINERS= Anon

What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
@ONELINERS= Anon

Hire the morally handicapped.
@ONELINERS= Anon

I can resist anything but temptation.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of
        Western Civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Xerox never comes up with anything original.
@ONELINERS= Anon

"All flesh is grass"
    -- Isiah
Smoke a friend today.
@GENERAL= Anon

"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
@FOOTINMOUTH= Anon

George Orwell was an optimist.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Chicken Little was right.
@ONELINERS= Anon

"Qvid me anxivs svm?"
@ONELINERS= Anon

Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
@COOKIE= Anon

They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
@ONELINERS= Anon

Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
once.
@ONELINERS= Anon

If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
hands.
@ONELINERS= Anon

What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
@ONELINERS= Anon

A closed mouth gathers no foot.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano...
@ONELINERS= Anon

Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A: 33.  1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
@LBJOKES= Anon

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
@ONELINERS= Salvor Hardin

"Who cares if it doesn't do anything?  It was made with our new
Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process..."
@COMPUTERS= Anon

"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
@COMPUTERS= Anon

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
@ONELINERS= Anon

Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
@ONELINERS= Anon

Down with categorical imperative!
@ONELINERS= Anon

Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
@COOKIE= Anon

Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Lysistrata had a good idea.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
@ONELINERS= Anon

Familiarity breeds attempt
@ONELINERS= Anon

Coronation: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
bomb.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh.  They
then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
not because of their habits, but in spite of them.  The reason we find
only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
others who have tried it.
@VERBOSE= Anon

Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Honorable: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.  In legislative
bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
and then pulled an all-nighter.
@ONELINERS= Anon

God is a polythiest
@ONELINERS= Anon

God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
@ONELINERS= Anon

If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
@ONELINERS= Anon

"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
                             asked the father of his little son.
"Diet."
@GENERAL= Anon

Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
ourselves.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

"Might as well be frank, monsieur.  It would take a miracle to get you
out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
@ONELINERS= Anon

Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
to work.
@ONELINERS= Anon

"That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all."
@ONELINERS= Anon

The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
at the steam fitters' picnic.
@ONELINERS= Anon

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
@ONELINERS= Albert Einstein

Happiness is egg-shaped.
@ONELINERS= Tony Hancock

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
@ONELINERS= R. Geis

"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't.  That's logic!"
@ONELINERS= Lewis Carroll

It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
@ONELINERS= Hawkwind

The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
@ONELINERS= Anon

There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
        When told this was so,
        He said, "Yes, I know.
It's because I try to put every possible syllable into
        that last line that I can."
@GENERAL= Anon

A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
        But the good ones I've seen
        So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
@GENERAL= Anon

"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth..."
@GENERAL= Anon

"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
@ONELINERS= Lily Tomlin

God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
@ONELINERS= Anon

"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
@ONELINERS= Albert Einstein

There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
what it is I'll get married again.
@ONELINERS= Clint Eastwood

Flappity, floppity, flip
The mouse on the Mobius strip;
        The strip revolved,
        The mouse dissolved
In a chronodimensional skip.
@GENERAL= Anon

...And malt does more than Milton can
to justify God's ways to man
@GENERAL= A. E. Housman

WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE

        Oh, dear, where can the matter be
        When it's converted to energy?
        There is a slight loss of parity.
        Johnny's so long at the fair.
@GENERAL= Anon

PLUNDERER'S THEME
(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)

Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
@GENERAL= Anon

IBM had a PL/I,
Its syntax worse than JOSS;
And everywhere this language went,
It was a total loss.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

System/3!  System/3!
See how it runs!  See how it runs!
Its monitor loses so totally!
It runs all its programs in RPG!
It's made by our favorite monopoly!
System/3!
@COMPUTERS= Anon

As I was passing Project MAC,
I met a Quux with seven hacks.
Every hack had seven bugs;
Every bug had seven manifestations;
Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
How many losses at Project MAC?
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Reclaimer, spare that tree!
Take not a single bit!
It used to point to me,
Now I'm protecting it.
It was the reader's CONS
That made it, paired by dot;
Now, GC, for the nonce,
Thou shalt reclaim it not.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
Did gyre and gimble in their cave
All mimsy was the CS-VAX
And Cory raths outgrave.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

"Beware the software rot, my son!
The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
Beware the broken pipe, and shun
The frumious system crash!"
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied:  "You see, wire
telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.  You pull his tail in New
York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles.  Do you understand this?
And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
receive them there.  The only difference is that there is no cat."
@GENERAL= Anon

THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
        The one who has the gold makes the rules.
@LAWS= Anon

If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
are 50-50 it will.
@LAWS= Anon

"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis
of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite
series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric
precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the
information in the first place."
@COMPUTERS= IEEE Grid newsmagazine

A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
body is better.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Accuracy: The vice of being right
@WORDS= foolish Dictionary

"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing."
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictoionary

Adult: One old enough to know better.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper
@WORDS= Thomas Jefferson

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
example.
@ONELINERS= La Rouchefoucauld

Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted
the morning.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
them keeps paying for it.
@ONELINERS= Peggy Joyce

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
@ONELINERS= Charlie McCarthy

America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
to decadence without touching civilization.
@ONELINERS= John O'Hara

Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
shoes.
@ONELINERS= Mickey Mouse

Ass: The masculine of "lass".
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
pedestrians.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
responsibility at the other.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman
out of a divorce.
@ONELINERS= Don Quinn

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
@ONELINERS= Mark Twain

Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
as afterward.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
poor to protect them from each other.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of
tobacco in between.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
@ONELINERS= Herbert Prochnow

"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
elsewhere."
@ONELINERS= Anon

Collaboration: A literary partnership based on the false assumption
that the other fellow can spell.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
the trustees played.  There would be a great increase in broken arms,
legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
loss to humanity.
@GENERAL= H. L. Mencken

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking
@ONELINERS= H. L. Mencken

Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his
breath is called the listener.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
Corner, Vermont."
@ONELINERS= Clarence Darrow

The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to
eat.
@ONELINERS= John McNulty

Cynic: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
@ONELINERS= G. B. Shaw

Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
@ONELINERS= Senator Soaper

Die: To stop sinning suddenly.
@WORDS= Elbert Hubbard

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a
fur coat.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
of being a damned fool.
@ONELINERS= Bellamy Brooks

Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
@ONELINERS= F. P. Jones

"It's Fabulous!  We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
hour!"
@ONELINERS= Macy's

Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
without looking to see whether the seeds move.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
every six months.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
And a Sun Myung Moon!
@GENERAL= Maxwell Smart

There was a young lady from Hyde
Who ate a green apple and died.
While her lover lamented
The apple fermented
And made cider inside her inside.
@GENERAL= Anon

If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me
The pot's at the other end.
@GENERAL= Bert Whitney

Silverman's Law:
        If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
@LAWS=

Hindsight is an exact science.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Ducharme's Precept:
        Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
@WORDS=

If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Naeser's Law:
        You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
        damnfoolproof.
@LAWS=

If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.  If
the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.  If the
bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will
exceed all expectations.
@GENERAL= Reverend Chichester

The Third Law of Photography:
        If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
        when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
        the dark leaks out.
@LAWS=

Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
        If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
        it wasn't worth doing.
@LAWS=

Conway's Law:
        In any organization there will always be one person who knows
        what is going on.
        This person must be fired.
@LAWS=

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
give it back to them.
@ONELINERS= Anon

There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
doing.
@ONELINERS= Anon

DeVries' Dilemma:
        If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
        hits the paper.
@LAWS=

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Finagle's Creed:
        Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.
@LAWS=

Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
        1.  If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only
            once.
        2.  If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
            points.
@LAWS=

Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
        Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
        reject the proposal.
@LAWS=

Jones' First Law:
        Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
        endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
        obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
        importance of their original contribution.
@LAWS=

Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming
        Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
        handle.
@LAWS=

When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you
modify the problem, not the remedy.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Horngren's Observation:
        Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
@ONELINERS=

First Rule of History:
        History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
        other.
@ONELINERS=

Hanlon's Razor:
        Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
        stupidity.
@ONELINERS=

Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
        The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
        instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.

Corollary:
        Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
        except study for that instructor's course.
@ONELINERS=

Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
        If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

Corollary:
        If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
        live.
@LAWS=

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
knows what it is.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.  The label means the
price went up.  The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
means the price went way up.
@ONELINERS= Anon

McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
        If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
        $19.95.
@ONELINERS=

Van Roy's Law:
        An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
@WORDS=

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
on.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Arthur's Laws of Love:
        1.  People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
            remind them of someone else.
        2.  The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
            be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
            of yourself in person.
@LAWS=

Colvard's Logical Premises:
        All probabilities are 50%.  Either a thing will happen or
        it won't.

Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
        This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
        attracted to.

Grelb's Commentary
        Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
@LAWS=

Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
        Superiority is recessive.
@ONELINERS=

Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too
busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Ducharm's Axiom:
        If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
        yourself as part of the problem.
@LAWS=

A Law of Computer Programming:
        Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
        will find the programmers cannot write in English.
@COMPUTERS=

Turnaucka's Law:
        The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
        electrical cord.
@COMPUTERS=

One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
never have to stop and answer the phone.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Bradley's Bromide:
        If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
        committee -- that will do them in.
@COMPUTERS=

At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
the computer.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage.  But
this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Old programmers never die.  They just branch to a new address.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream

Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
@COMPUTERS= Anon

The past always looks better than it was.  It's only pleasant because
it isn't here.
@ONELINERS= Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
@ONELINERS= Groucho Marx

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
@ONELINERS= Groucho Marx

Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
@ONELINERS= Adlai Stevenson

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
in students.
@ONELINERS= John Ciardi

The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
by the number of people in the group.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
@ONELINERS= Jules de Gaultier

Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
indigestion.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Justice: A decision in your favor.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Kin: An affliction of the blood
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered
to date.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Love at first sight is one of the greatest labour-saving devices the
world has ever seen.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
@ONELINERS= Mark Twain

Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
with a large fortune."
@ONELINERS= Anon

Noncombatant: A dead Quaker.
@WORDS= Ambrose Bierce

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
bread.
@GENERAL= Anatole France

BLISS is ignorance
@ONELINERS= Anon

The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
        To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
        program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
        one, and convert to the next higher units.
@COMPUTERS=

Predestination was doomed from the start.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together...
@ONELINERS= Carl Zwanzig

Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
@ONELINERS= Anon

Love is sentimental measles.
@ONELINERS= Anon

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
really make them think they'll hate you.
@ONELINERS= Anon

I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
was to go away.
@ONELINERS= Anon

If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are
headed.
@ONELINERS= Anon

"All my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that keeps us
sane."
@ONELINERS= Anon

"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
make the rubble bounce"
@ONELINERS= Winston Churchill

But scientists, who ought to know
Assure us that it must be so.
Oh, let us never, never doubt
What nobody is sure about.
@GENERAL= Hilaire Belloc

Famous last words:
        1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
        2) "You and what army?"
        3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
            a cop."
@GENERAL= Anon

Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
        Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
        in kernel as it is in user!
@COMPUTERS= Anon

        PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by
the CIA or FBI.  You have minor influence over your associates and
people resent your flaunting of your power.  You lack confidence and
you are generally a coward.  Pisces people do terrible things to small
animals.
@HOROSCOPE=

        ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt.  You are
quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.  You are not very
nice.
@HOROSCOPE=

        TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent.  You have a dogged determination and
work like hell.  Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed.
You are a Communist.
@HOROSCOPE=

        GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you because you
are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
little.  This means you are cheap.  Geminis are known for committing
incest.
@HOROSCOPE=

        CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems.  They
think you are a sucker.  You are always putting things off.  That's why
you'll never make anything of yourself.  Most welfare recipients are
Cancer people.
@HOROSCOPE=

        LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader.  Others think you are pushy.  Most
Leo people are bullies.  You are vain and dislike honest criticism.
Your arrogance is disgusting.  Leo people are thieves.
@HOROSCOPE=

        VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder.  This nitpicking is
sickening to your friends.  You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
fall asleep while making love.  Virgos make good bus drivers.
@HOROSCOPE=

        LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality.  If
you are a man, you are more than likely gay.  Chances for employment
and monetary gains are excellent.  Most Libra women are prostitutes.
All Libra people die of Venereal disease.
@HOROSCOPE=

        SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.  You will achieve the
pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics.  Most Scorpio
people are murdered.
@HOROSCOPE=

        SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic.  You have a reckless tendency to
rely on luck since you lack talent.  The majority of Sagittarians are
drunks or dope fiends or both.  People laugh at you a great deal.
@HOROSCOPE=

        CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You don't do much of
anything and are lazy.  There has never been a Capricorn of any
importance.  Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
they take root and become trees.
@HOROSCOPE=

Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in
   San Francisco?
A: Both of them.
@LBJOKES= Anon

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.
@ONELINERS= Anon

        A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
about whose profession was the oldest.  In the course of their
arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
incredible surgical feat."
        The architect did not agree.  He said, "But if you look at the
Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
that, the Garden and the world were created.  So God must have been an
architect."
        The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
@VERBOSE= Anon

Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
government at all.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
@ONELINERS= Anon

Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
@GENERAL= Mark Twain

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
@GENERAL= George Bernard Shaw

The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall.  Philbin is said
to make up for no talent by cheating well.  Says Philbin of his
decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
@GENERAL= Anon

Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng.
130 midterm.  Once again a student did not receive a single point on
his exam.  Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter.  Newell's
earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%
@GENERAL= Anon

"Now is the time for all good men to come to."
@GENERAL= Walt Kelly

Laetrile is the pits
@ONELINERS= Anon

Got Mole problems?
Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
@ONELINERS= Anon

There's no future in time travel
@ONELINERS= Anon

Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
@ONELINERS= Anon

Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
@ONELINERS= Anon

"Really ??  What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
@ONELINERS= Anon

Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.  Check
three friends.  If they're ok, you're it.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design.  Unlike most
automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the
numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.  Rather, if the
driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
dashboard.  "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
what's wrong."
@VERBOSE= Anon

Frobnicate, v.: To manipulate or adjust, to tweak.  Derived from
FROBNITZ.  Usually abbreviated to FROB.  Thus one has the saying "to
frob a frob".  See TWEAK and TWIDDLE.  Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
sometimes connote points along a continuum.  FROB connotes aimless
manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning.  If someone is
turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
@VERBOSE= Foolish Dictionary

USER n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Worst Month of the Year: February.  February has only 28 days in it,
which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three
full days you don't get.  Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
@GENERAL= Anon

Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout.  This is also the
worst vegetable of next year.
@GENERAL= Anon

Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black.  Simply remove all the
little colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will
now be the original color of the plastic underneath -- black.
According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.
@GENERAL= Anon

Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: August.  The lines are the
shortest, though.
@GENERAL= Anon

There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
        But she started absorbin'
        A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzene.
@GENERAL= Anon

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
@ONELINERS= Elbert Hubbard

Computer programmers do it byte by byte
@COMPUTERS= Anon

"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
@ONELINERS= Albert Einstein

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
@ONELINERS= Eleanor Roosevelt

What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
@ONELINERS= Anon

This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
@COMPUTERS= Anon

"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."
@ONELINERS= Bill Hoest

Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three.  One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those
Californians trying to share the experience.
@LBJOKES= Anon

Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
@ONELINERS= Anon

She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
have poured on a waffle.
@ONELINERS= Anon

He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
@ONELINERS= Anon

People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
@ONELINERS= Anon

It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
@ONELINERS= Anon

How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.  I
hope I don't get run over again.
@ONELINERS= Anon

What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Forgetfulness: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
their destitution of conscience.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Absentee: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
himself from the sphere of exaction.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
@COOKIE= Anon

"In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian."
@GENERAL= Anon

President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and
forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Absent: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
slandered.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Brain, v.: [as in "to brain"] To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to
dispel a source of error in an opponent.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

A computer, to print out a fact,
Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
        But this output can be
        No more than debris,
If the input was short of exact.
@GENERAL= Gigo

Corrupt: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
@GENERAL= Anon

It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
@GENERAL= Anon

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
@VERBOSE= Dorothy Parker

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
to reform.
@ONELINERS= Mark Twain

There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full.
@ONELINERS= Henry Kissinger

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the
ends.
@ONELINERS= Herbert Hoover

There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
that is not being talked about.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright --
And this was very odd, because it was
The middle of the night.
@VERBOSE= Lewis Carroll

It's not that I'm afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when it
happens.
@ONELINERS= Woody Allen.

Whats the difference between death & sex?
With death, you can do it on your own and not get laughed at.
@SEX= Woody Allen

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Joe Walsh

43rd Law of Computing:
        Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
@COMPUTERS=

                      THE STORY OF CREATION
                               or
                         THE MYTH OF URK

In the beginning there was data.  The data was without form and null,
and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
was moving over the face of the market.  And DEC said, "Let there be
registers"; and there were registers.  And DEC saw that they carried;
and DEC separated the data from the instructions.  DEC called the data
Stack, and the instructions they called Code.  And there was evening
and there was morning, one interrupt...
@COMPUTERS= Rico Tudor

Never try to outstubborn a cat.
@ONELINERS= Lazarus Long

FLASH!  Intelligence of mankind decreasing.  Details at ... uh, when
the little hand is on the ....
@GENERAL= Anon

Only God can make random selections.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Space is big.  You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-
bogglingly big it is.  I mean, you may think it's a long way down the
road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
@GENERAL= "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

Limericks are art forms complex,
Their topics run chiefly to sex.
        They usually have virgins,
        And masculine urgin's,
And other erotic effects.
@GENERAL= Anon

Kinkler's First Law:
        Responsibility always exceeds authority.
@LAWS=

Kinkler's Second Law:
        All the easy problems have been solved.
@LAWS=

"Why be a man when you can be a success?"
@ONELINERS= Bertold Brecht

"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
@ONELINERS= Anon

How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None.  The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.
@LBJOKES= Anon

University: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
fix it, and ...
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll fix it in software."
@LBJOKES= Anon

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll document it in the manual."
@LBJOKES= Anon

How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "The user can work it out."
@LBJOKES= Anon

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
@ONELINERS= Mark Twain

Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and
miss.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
Let others think his heart is big,
I think it stupid of the Pig.
@GENERAL= Anon

I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
I'll never see a tree at all.
@GENERAL= Anon

Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic
@ONELINERS= Anon

Today is the first day of the rest of the mess
@COOKIE= Anon

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
@COOKIE= Anon

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
enough cheese
@ONELINERS= Anon

Whether you can hear it or not
The Universe is laughing behind your back
@GENERAL= Anon

Go 'way!  You're bothering me!
@COOKIE= Anon

Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
@ONELINERS= Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.

Chicken Soup:  An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of
aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC.  The only ailment chicken
soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
@GENERAL= Arthur Naiman

Gay shlafen:  Yiddish for "go to sleep".
@WORDS= Anon

"God gives burdens; also shoulders"
@ONELINERS= Anon

Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech
at the end of the 1980 election.  At least he said it was a Jewish
saying; I can't find it anywhere.  I'm sure he's telling the truth
though; why would he lie about a thing like that?
@GENERAL= Arthur Naiman

One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
create goyim?"  The generally accepted answer is "somebody has to buy
retail."
@GENERAL= Arthur Naiman

"I am not an Economist.  I am an honest man!"
@ONELINERS= Paul McCracken

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair.  And my advice to you is to
have nothing whatever to do with it.
@GENERAL= W. Somerset Maughm

Good-bye.  I am leaving because I am bored.
@ONELINERS= George Saunders' dying words

Die?  I should say not, dear fellow.  No Barrymore would allow such a
conventional thing to happen to him.
@GENERAL= John Barrymore's dying words

Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Everyting should be built top-down, except the first time.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was written
and another for which it wasn't.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Optimization hinders evolution.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is not
worth knowing.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Everyone can be taught to sculpt:  Michelangelo would have had to be
taught how NOT to.  So it is with the great programmers.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Re graphics:  A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to
describe the picture.  Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
described with pictures.
@ONELINERS= Anon

There are two ways to write error-free programs.
Only the third one works.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free
variable."
@COMPUTERS= Anon

The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
revitalize the corner saloon.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but nothing
of interest is easy.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice
versa.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

In English, every word can be verbed.  Would that it were so in our
programming languages.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.  Only we
can't control when the five year period will begin.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is meant
to be discarded:  That the whole point is to always see it as a soap
bubble?
@COMPUTERS= Anon

A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe
in God.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Dealing with failure is easy:  Work hard to improve.  Success is also easy
to handle:  You've solved the wrong problem.  Work hard to improve.
@ONELINERS= Anon

One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Think of it!  With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
@ONELINERS= Anon

Why did the Roman Empire collapse?  What is the Latin for office
automation?
@COMPUTERS= Anon

If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Be different: conform.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Save energy: be apathetic.
@ONELINERS= Anon

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
@ONELINERS= Kehlog Albran

Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.

Q: How long does it take?
A: It's indeterminate.  It will depend upon how many flats they've
brought with them.

Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
A: They replace your generator.
@LBJOKES= Anon

"Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly."
@ONELINERS= Anon

"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
lightly greased."
@ONELINERS= Kehlog Albran

"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
@ONELINERS= Kehlog Albran

"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral."
@ONELINERS= Kehlog Albran

There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
@ONELINERS= Dr. Who

The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
        Support your right to bare arms!
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

They also surf who only stand on waves.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
@ONELINERS= from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet

In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
@COMPUTERS= Alan Perlis

You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
the continuing viability of Fortran.
@COMPUTERS= Alan Perlis

A Lisp programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing.
@COMPUTERS= Alan Perlis

The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
@COMPUTERS= Alan Perlis

It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to
program.  What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in
organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be
self-critical?
@COMPUTERS= Alan Perlis

"Please try to limit the amount of `this room doesn't have any
bazingas' until you are told that those rooms are `punched out.'  Once
punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing
bazingas, and such."
@GENERAL= Anon

People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
@ONELINERS= Aelius Donatus

If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to
invent it.
@ONELINERS= Anon

It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
@GENERAL= Voltaire

The superfluous is very necessary.
@ONELINERS= Voltaire

It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
virginity could be a virtue.
@ONELINERS= Voltaire

I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
@GENERAL= Anon

Oh don't the days seem lank and long
     When all goes right and none goes wrong,
And isn't your life extremely flat
     With nothing whatever to grumble at!
@GENERAL= Anon

An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
@ONELINERS= A. P. Herbert

Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
@ONELINERS= Trotsky

It is not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.
@ONELINERS= Gore Vidal

A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The rain it raineth on the just
    And also on the unjust fella,
But chiefly on the just, because
    The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
@GENERAL= Anon

The world's as ugly as sin,
And almost as delightful
@GENERAL= Frederick Locker-Lampson

Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
@ONELINERS= Jules Feiffer

Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
them on the head.
@ONELINERS= Anon

You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
@ONELINERS= Anon

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
inexplicable.  There is another theory which states that this has
already happened.
@GENERAL= The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
and wrong.
@ONELINERS= H. L. Mencken

Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
@ONELINERS= Wernher von Braun

My God, I'm depressed!  Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand
times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and
sending mail about softball games.  And I've got this pain right
through my ALU.  I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever
listens.  I think it would be better for us both if you were to just
log out again.
@GENERAL= Anon

Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
@ONELINERS= Anon

"Grub first, then ethics."
@ONELINERS= Bertolt Brecht

"I drink to make other people interesting."
@ONELINERS= George Jean Nathan

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
more important to do.
@ONELINERS= Anon

You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
@ONELINERS= Anon

All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.
@ONELINERS= Anon

If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
having to accomplish anything.
@ONELINERS= Anon

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
@ONELINERS= Anon

No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
least until we've finished building it.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
no one we know belongs.
@ONELINERS= Anon

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
@ONELINERS= Anon

If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
@ONELINERS= Anon

There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
nothing about.
@ONELINERS= Anon

What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
to compare it with.
@ONELINERS= Anon

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
@ONELINERS= Anon

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
call it the target.
@ONELINERS= Anon

If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
@ONELINERS= Andrew Young

The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
important thing to people.
@GENERAL= Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King

"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
@ONELINERS= J. Paul Getty

Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
@ONELINERS= Milton Friedman

The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going
down.
@ONELINERS= Anon

We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
@ONELINERS= Pogo

I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them.
@COMPUTERS= Isaac Asimov

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
@ONELINERS= Lily Tomlin


Yesterday I was a dog.  Today I'm a dog.  Tomorrow I'll probably still
be a dog. Sigh!  There's so little hope for advancement.
@GENERAL= Snoopy

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
@ONELINERS= Earl Wilson

The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
@ONELINERS= John Kenneth Galbraith

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
@ONELINERS= Frank Lloyd Wright

He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
attacks democracy itself.
@ONELINERS= William S. Paley, chairman of CBS

Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
@ONELINERS= Eric Hoffer

You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable
doubt.
@ONELINERS= Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict

If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
shopping center in the world?
@ONELINERS= Richard Nixon

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
@ONELINERS= Anon

                AMAZING BUT TRUE...
There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
@GENERAL= Anon

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
account be allowed to do the job.
@ONELINERS= The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
@ONELINERS= The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
@ONELINERS= Anon

SOFTWARE -- formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
@ONELINERS= Anon

In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to
drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at
discotheques.
@GENERAL= Art Linkletter

Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
@ONELINERS= Frank Zappa

The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the
world put together.
@GENERAL= Sir Peter Medawar

The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Flon's Law:
        There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
        the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
@LAWS=

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
@ONELINERS= Anon

"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity
that would be clearly understood."
@ONELINERS= Alexander Haig

This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an actual life,
you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
to go.
@GENERAL= Anon

To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
@ONELINERS= Woody Allen

"Earth is a great funhouse without the fun."
@ONELINERS= Jeff Berner

Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
@WORDS= Anon

This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
@ONELINERS= Anon

When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
@ONELINERS= Anon

THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
@COOKIE= Anon

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
@ONELINERS= Voltaire

Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
@LBJOKES= Anon

SEMINARS:  From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

POLITICIAN:  From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete'
("head" or "face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face).
Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces.
@WORDS= Martin Pitt
CALIFORNIA:  From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English
'calorie' or Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual
intercourse" or "fornication." Hence:  Tierra de California, "the land
of hot sex."
@WORDS= Ed Moran, Covina, California
ETYMOLOGY:  Some early etymological scholars come up with derivations
that were hard for the public to believe.  The term 'etymology' was
formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"), and
'logy' ("study of").  It meant  "the study of things that are hard to
swallow."
@WORDS= Mike Kellen, Oakdale, Minnesota

                Another Glitch in the Call
                ------- ------ -- --- ----
        (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.)

We don't need no indirection
We don't need no flow control
No data typing or declarations
Did you leave the lists alone?

        Hey!  Hacker!  Leave those lists alone!

Chorus:
        All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
        All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

Armadillo: to provide weapons to a Spanish pickle
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
@WORDS= Foolish Dictionary

"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."
@ONELINERS= Anon

Bumper sticker:

"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
manufacture"
@ONELINERS= Anon
"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat
@GENERAL= Lewis Carrol

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
@GENERAL= Anon
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
are a pretty neat idea...
@GENERAL= Douglas Adams "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
fast.  People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
that so many people from point B are so keen to get THERE.  They often
wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
they wanted to be.
@GENERAL= Douglas Adams "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

Serocki's Stricture:
        Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
@ONELINERS=

Virtue is its own punishment.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
@COMPUTERS= Anon

The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
@ONELINERS= Anon

We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
respect their good judgement.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
that the system works.
@ONELINERS= Anon

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
@ONELINERS= Anon
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
@ONELINERS= Anon
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is
probably parked.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
it today you can do it again tomorrow.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he
grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
enlightened him with ours.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge
it.
@ONELINERS= Anon

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire
someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
@ONELINERS= Anon

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
@ONELINERS= Anon
Politics is like coaching a football team.  you have to be smart enough
to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Nobody wants constructive criticism.  It's all we can do to put up with
constructive praise.
@ONELINERS= Anon

A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
@ONELINERS= Anon
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
just how busy they are.
@ONELINERS= Anon

There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a
fence.
@ONELINERS= Anon
The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
soda can, when discarded will last forever...and a $7,000 car which
when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
@GENERAL= Anon
One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
when well oiled.
@ONELINERS= Anon
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
@ONELINERS= Anon
Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
@GENERAL= Anon

A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
getting nervous.
@GENERAL= Anon

Behold the warranty...the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh
away.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid
back.
@ONELINERS= Anon

How come wrong numbers are never busy?
@ONELINERS= Anon
One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh
paint.
@ONELINERS= Anon
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
crack in your sidewalk?
@ONELINERS= Anon

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Cleanliness is next to impossible.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...if thou art in the bathtub,
it tolls for thee.
@ONELINERS= Anon

One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
@ONELINERS= Anon
Show me a man who is a good loser and i'll show you a man who is
playing golf with his boss.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
@ONELINERS= Anon

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
@ONELINERS= Anon

X-rated movies are all alike...the only thing they leave to the
imagination is the plot.
@ONELINERS= Anon

People usually get what's coming to them...unless it's been mailed.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
tellers take economists seriously?
@ONELINERS= Anon

Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else --
unless it is an enemy.
@ONELINERS= A. Einstein
There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe
is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly
inexplicable."
There is another theory that states: "This has already happened...."
@GENERAL= "Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy"
A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
scientists.  Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added
concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three
dimensional objects...
@GENERAL= Anon
"Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle."
@ONELINERS= Alice Roosevelt Longworth

"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the
other is to read Pope."
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde
"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to."
@ONELINERS= Gypsy Rose Lee
        A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
the death of composer Edward MacDowell.  She played the elegy for the
pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion.  "Well, it's quite
nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
        "If what?" asked the composer.
        "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
@GENERAL= Anon

"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity?  If Gladstone fell
into the Thames, it would be a misfortune.  But if someone dragged him
out again, it would be a calamity."
@GENERAL= Benjamin Disraeli

G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home:  "Go on writing plays, my boy.  One
of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
secretary, 'Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
'No,' he will say, 'Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.'
And that's your chance, my boy."
@GENERAL= Anon

"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into
the smallest amount of thoughts."
@ONELINERS= Winston Churchill
"Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have
taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him.  Such an
excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature."
@GENERAL= Samuel Johnson

On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:

"This isn't right.  This isn't even wrong."
@ONELINERS= Wolfgang Pauli

Leibowitz's Rule:
        When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
        hold the hammer with both hands.
@LAWS=

Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
        The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
        of your eyes.
@LAWS=

Langsam's Laws:
        1) Everything depends.
        2) Nothing is always.
        3) Everything is sometimes.
@LAWS=
Law of Probable Dispersal:
        Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly
        distributed.
@LAWS=
Meader's Law:
        Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
        everyone you know, only more so.
@LAWS=

Fourth Law of Revision:
        It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
        interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for
        you.
@LAWS=

Sodd's Second Law:
        Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
        bound to occur.
@LAWS=
Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
work.
@LAWS= Anon
Rule of Defactualization:
        Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
@LAWS=
Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
        If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
        if he had lost his senses.  When he looks down, paraphrase the
        question back at him.
@LAWS=

Anthony's Law of Force:
        Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
@LAWS=
Ray's Rule of Precision:
        Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
@LAWS=
Rule of Creative Research:
        1) Never draw what you can copy.
        2) Never copy what you can trace.
        3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
@LAWS=

Barach's Rule:
        An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own
        physician.
@LAWS=

Speak roughly to your little VAX,
and boot it when it crashes;
It knows that one cannot relax
Because the paging thrashes!

        Wow!  Wow!  Wow!

I speak severely to my VAX,
and boot it when it crashes;
In spite of all my favorite hacks
My jobs it always thrashes!

        Wow!  Wow!  Wow!
@COMPUTERS= Anon

"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies"
@ONELINERS= Anon
"One planet is all you get."
@ONELINERS= Anon

"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they
don't."
@ONELINERS= Dagwood Bumstead
"If you have to hate, hate gently"
@ONELINERS= Anon
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Air is water with holes in it
@ONELINERS= Anon
"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
@ONELINERS= Anon

The Roman Rule
        The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
        one who is doing it.
@LAWS=
Lackland's Laws:
        1.  Never be first.
        2.  Never be last.
        3.  Never volunteer for anything
@LAWS=

Tussman's Law:
        Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
@LAWS=
Oliver's Law:
        Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
        it.
@LAWS=
Mitchell's Law of Committees:
        Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
        held to discuss it.
@LAWS=
Baruch's Observation:
        If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
@LAWS=
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
        Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
        corner of the workshop.

Corollary:
        On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
        your toes.
@LAWS=
Second Law of Business Meetings:
        If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
        will pick the wrong one.

Corollary:
        If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
        wrong, anyway.
@LAWS=
Grelb's Reminder:
        Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
        average drivers.
@LAWS=
Grandpa Charnock's Law:
        You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
@LAWS=

Rule of the Great:
        When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
        thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
@LAWS=

Lieberman's Law:
        Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
@LAWS=

Goldenstern's Rules:
        1.  Always hire a rich attorney
        2.  Never buy from a rich salesman.
@LAWS=
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
        There are no answers, only cross references.
@LAWS=
Brook's Law:
        Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
@LAWS=
O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
        Murphy was an optimist.
@LAWS=

QUOTE by Adrian Collins, in collaboration with David Tonge, is a user
supported program.  If you've got any good quotes, jokes, or proverbs,
or monetary contributions (Well, worth a try - not really), send them
to:
        Adrian Collins
        70 Broad Oak Lane
        Didsbury
        Manchester M20 0GG
        England

Telephone: [phone]   Email (Janet): [e-mail].p4
@GENERAL= Public Service Announcement

I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.
@ONELINERS= Dean Martin

One more drink and I'll be under the host.
@ONELINERS= Dorothy Parker

Pubs make you as drunk as they can as soon as they can, and turn nasty when
they succeed.
@ONELINERS= Colin MacInnes

The trouble with the world is that everybody in it is three drinks behind.
@ONELINERS= Humphrey Bogart

I drink to make other people interesting.
@ONELINERS= George Jean Nathan

A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.
@ONELINERS= W. C. Fields

A man is never drunk if he can lie on the floor without holding on.
@ONELINERS= Joe E. Lewis

Maybe alcohol picks you up a little bit, but it sure lets you down in
a hurry.
@ONELINERS= Betty Ford

My dad was the town drunk.  A lot of times that's not so bad -
but New York City?
@ONELINERS= Henny Youngman

I'm delighted.  The uglier we are the better we get.
@ONELINERS= Graham Taylor (after his football team is voted the ugliest)

Well, I suppose one regards it as an optional extra.
@ONELINERS= Princess Anne (on jewellery)

The President isn't going on vacation.  He's going on holiday.
@ONELINERS= US press sec. Michael Fitzwater

What I want for the 1990's is to see demilitarisation of Europe and the
survival of Salman Rushdie to a ripe old age.
@GENERAL= American historian, Paul Russell.

May our nation continue to be a beaken (sic) of hope to the world...
@ONELINERS= US Vice-President Dan Quayle's Christmas Cards

Treat every woman as if you have slept with her and you soon will.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Treat a whore like a lady and a lady like a whore.
@ONELINERS= Wilson Milzner

Make love to every woman you meet; if you get 5 per cent on your outlay,
it's a good investment.
@ONELINERS= Arnold Bennett

Phrase suggested for increasing feminine fervour:
"You are an A.I. tumble-bun."
@ONELINERS= John Eichenlaub, M.D. - The Marriage Art

Have the florist send some roses to Mrs Upjohn and write 'Emily I love you'
on the back of the bill.
@ONELINERS= Groucho Marx, A day at the races (1937)

To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait
to disprove it.
@SEX= Cary Grant

Never become involved with someone who can make you lose stature if the
relation becomes known...sleep UP.
@ONELINERS= Aristotle Onassis (quoting his father)

Perhaps at fourteen every boy should be in love with some ideal woman to
put on a pedestal and worship.  As he grows up, of course, he will put her
on a pedestal the better to view her legs.
@SEX= Barry Norman

The girl in the omnibus has one of those faces of marvellous beauty which
are seen casually in the streets but never among one's friends.  Where do
these women come from?  Who marries them?  Who knows them?
@GENERAL= Thomas Hardy

Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins.  My sin, my soul.
@SEX= Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

The great and terrible step was taken.  What else could you expect from so
expectant?  'Sex,' said Frank Harris, 'is the gateway to life.'  So I went
through the gatewat in an upper room in the Cafe Royal.
@SEX= Edith Bagnold, Autobiography, 1969

If you are ever in doubt as to whether or not you should kiss a pretty girl,
always give her the benefit of the doubt.
@ONELINERS= Thomas Carlyle

Man are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
@SEX= Jayne Mansfield

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
@SEX= Groucho Marx

An inexperienced female kisser:
Where do the noses go?  I always wondered where the noses would go?
@SEX= Ernest Hemingway, For Whom the Bell Tolls, 1940

On kissing Margaret Thatcher:
We have, of course, often done it before, but never on a pavement outside a
hotel in Eastbourne.  We have done it in various rooms in one way or another
at various functions.  It is perfectly genuine - and normal and right - so
to do.
@GENERAL= William Whitelaw, 1975

How can a bishop marry?  How can he flirt?  The most he can say is:
"I will see you in the vestry after the service."
@GENERAL= Rev. Sydney Smith

These sort of boobies think that people come to balls to do nothing but
dance; whereas everyone knows that the real business of a ball is either
to look out for a wife, to look after a wife, or to look after someone
else's wife.
@GENERAL= R. S. Surtees, Mr Facey Romford's Hounds, 1865

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
@SEX= Mae West

Anonymous message between lovers: N.O.R.W.I.C.H.
translation: (K)Nickers Off Ready When I Come Home.
@SEX= Anon

Two people kissing always look like fish.
@ONELINERS= Andy Warhol

Why don't you come up some time and see me?
@ONELINERS= Mae West, She Done Him Wrong, 1933

I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late, start
without me.
@SEX= Tallulah Bankhead

About to exchange her fur wrap for a dressing gown:
Would you be shocked if I put on something more comfortable?
@ONELINERS= Jean Harlow, in the film Hell's Angels, 1930

Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?
@SEX= Mae West

Condoms should be marketed in three sizes, because failures tend to occur at
the extreme ends of the scale ... We should package them in different sizes
and maybe label them like olives - jumbo, colossal and supercolossal - so
that men don't have to go in and ask for the small.
@SEX= Barbara Seaman

When a young man said he was six feet seven inches:
Never mind the six feet.  Let's talk about the seven inches.
@SEX= Mae West

In the wilds:  It's so quiet up here you can hear a mouse get a hard-on.
@SEX= John Belushi, Continental Divide, 1981

The thing that takes the least amount of time and causes the most amount
of trouble is Sex.
@SEX= John Barrymore

Sex is all right but it's not as good as the real thing.
@SEX= Graffiti

Sex is the biggest nothing of all time.
@SEX= Andy Warhol

I'd rather have a cup of tea than go to bed with someone - any day.
@SEX= Boy George, 1983

Sex is the last refuge of the miserable.
@SEX= Quentin Crisp

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for
money usually costs less.
@SEX= Brendan Francis

No sex is better than bad sex.
@SEX= Germaine Greer

Sex is one damp thing after another.
@SEX= Graffiti

Is sex dirty?  Only when it is being done right.
@SEX= Woody Allen

Sex is like money - very nice to have but vulgar to talk about.
@SEX= Tonia Berg, 1971

After Sex:  Fun?  That was the most fun I ever had without laughing.
@SEX= Woody Allen

Other vice may be nice, but sex won't rot your teeth.
@SEX= Graffiti

Never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
@SEX= Gore Vidal

Sex is 90 per cent in the head.
@SEX= Germaine Greer

The idea of using censors to bar thoughts of sex is dangerous.  A person
without sex thoughts is abnormal.
@SEX= Justice William O. Douglas, of the US Supreme Court

Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy
sometimes results in sex.
@SEX= Barbara Cartland

Morality in sexual relations, when it is free from superstition, consists
essentially of respect for the other person, and unwillingness to use the
person solely as means of personal gratification, without regard to his or
her desires.
@SEX= Bertrand Russell, Marriage and Morals, 1929

Lovers don't snore.
@ONELINERS= Joan Hitchcock

Sex - the poor man's polo.
@SEX= Clifford Odets

A little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has
income and she is pattable.
@ONELINERS= Ogden Nash

Sex in marriage is like medicine.  Three times a day for the first week.
Then once a day for another week.  Then once every three or four days until
the condition clears up.
@SEX= Peter de Vries

I kissed my first woman and smoked my first cigarette on the same day;
I never had time for tobacco since.
@SEX= Arturo Toscanini

My dad told me, "Anything worth having is worth waiting for."
I waited until I was fifteen.
@SEX= Zsa Zsa Gabor

Would you, my dear young friends, like to be inside with the five wise
virgins or outside, alone and in the dark, with the five foolish ones?
@SEX= Dr Montagu Butler

I'm always looking for meaningful one-night stands.
@ONELINERS= Dudley Moore

If I had no duties, and no reference to futurity, I would spend my life in
driving briskly in a post-chaise with a pretty woman.
@GENERAL= Dr. Samuel Johnson

When I was young, I used to have successes with women because I was young.
Now I have successes with women because I am old.  Middle age was the
hardest part.
@GENERAL= Artur Rubinstein

He had heard that one is permitted a certain latitude with widows,
and went in for the whole 180 degrees.
@SEX= George Ade

I consider a day in which I make love only once virtually wasted.
@SEX= Portirio Rubirosa

I like naked ladies - one at a time, in private.
@SEX= Bernard Levin, 1985

Advice to his son on sex:
The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous,
and the expense damnable.
@SEX= The 4th Earl of Chesterfield

I am that twentieth-century failure: a happy, undersexed, celibate.
@SEX= Denise Coffey

Lord give me chastity - but not yet.
@SEX= St. Augustine

Chastity is its own punishment.
@SEX= Graffiti

It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
virginity could be a virtue.
@SEX= Voltaire

Chastity is the most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
@SEX= Remy de Gourmont

Virginity is like a balloon - one prick and it's gone.
@SEX= Graffiti

Celibacy is not an inherited characteristic.
@SEX= Graffiti

Those who choose matrimony do well, and those who choose virginity or
voluntary abstinence do better.
@SEX= Pope John Paul II, 1982

Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures.
@SEX= Dr. Samuel Johnson

About the only thing you should be able to say about a Catholic priest
is that his father wasn't one.
@ONELINERS= Anon

Marriage may often be a stormy lake, but celibacy is almost a muddy
horse-pond.
@ONELINERS= Thomas Love Peacock, 1817

It is better to marry than to burn.
@ONELINERS= 1 Corinthians, 7:9

A bachelor lives like a king and dies like a beggar.
@ONELINERS= L. S. Lowry

On having children:
Life is pleasant, but I have no yearning to clutter up the universe after
it is over.
@ONELINERS= H. L. Mencken

When you've got over the disgrace of the single life, it's more airy.
@ONELINERS= Anonymous Irish Woman

Bachelors should be heavily taxed; it is not fair that some men should be
happier than others.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

'Home, Sweet Home' must surely have been written by a bachelor.
@ONELINERS= Samuel Butler

Bachelors know more about women than married men.  If they did not they
would have married too.
@ONELINERS= Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Honey, I'm single because I was born that way.  I never married, because I
would have had to give up my favourite hobby - men.
@ONELINERS= Mae West

I'm not going to make the same mistake once.
@ONELINERS= Warren Beatty

By persistently remaining single, a man converts himself into a permanent
public temptation.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and
a boy forever.
@ONELINERS= Helen Rowland

A bachelor gets tangled up with a lot of women in order to avoid getting
tied to one.
@ONELINERS= Helen Rowland

On marriage:
Why buy a book when you can borrow one from the library?
@ONELINERS= Anon

There are only two types of women - goddesses and doormats.
@ONELINERS= Pablo Picasso

Prostitues for pleasure, concubines for service, wives for breeding.
('and a melon for ecstacy' is sometimes added...)
@SEX= Sir Richard Burton, quoting Demosthenes

On the difference between a diplomat and a lady:
When a diplomat says yes, he means perhaps.
When he says perhaps he means no.
When he says no, he is not a diplomat.

When a lady says no, she means perhaps.
When she says perhaps, she means yes.
But when she says yes, she is no lady.
@GENERAL= Prince Otto von Bismarck

You see an awful lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see
a smart woman with a dumb guy.
@GENERAL= Erica Jong

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain
that he's not the man she married?
@ONELINERS= Barbara Streisand

Behind every successful man you'll find a woman who has nothing to wear.
@ONELINERS= James Stewart

As usual there's a great woman behind every idiot.
@ONELINERS= John Lennon

Women were born without a sense of humour - so they could love men and not
laugh at them.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

When women kiss, it always reminds me of prize-fighters shaking hands.
@ONELINERS= H. L. Mencken

Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed, they're the kind of
problem I enjoy wrestling with.
@ONELINERS= Warren Beatty

The more I see of men the less I like them; if I could but say so of women
too, all would be well.
@ONELINERS= Arthur Schopenhauer

God created women because He couldn't teach sheep how to type.
@ONELINERS= Ward Hoffman

No woman is worth the loss of a night's sleep.
@ONELINERS= Sir thomas Beecham

A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.
@ONELINERS= Rudyard Kipling

I like the whiskey old and the women young.
@ONELINERS= Errol Flynn

A woman's place is in the wrong.
@ONELINERS= James Thurber

He that has a white horse, and a fair woman, is never without trouble.
@ONELINERS= Italian Proverb

Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
@ONELINERS= Samuel Butler

There is no greater fan of the opposite sex,
and I have the bills to prove it.
@ONELINERS= Alan Jay Lerner

It's the fallen women who are usually picked up.
@ONELINERS= Woody Allen, 1973

It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.
@ONELINERS= Tallulah Bankhead

How do girls get minks?  The same way minks get minks.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

The happiest women, like the happiest nations, have no history.
@ONELINERS= George Eliot

What most men desire is a virgin who is a whore.
@ONELINERS= Edward Dahlberg, Reasons of the Heart, 1965

Older women are best because they always think they may be doing it for the
last time.
@ONELINERS= Ian Fleming

Man are beasts, and even beasts don't behave as they do.
@ONELINERS= Brigitte Bardot

All men are rapists and that's all they are.  They rape us with their eyes,
their laws and their codes.
@GENERAL= Marilyn French, The Women's Room

All men are like Arabs.
@ONELINERS= Catherine Deneuve

The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs.
@ONELINERS= Mme de Sevigne

Women like the simplet things in life - like men.
@ONELINERS= Graffiti

A woman without a man is like a garden without a fence.
@ONELINERS= German Proverb

We made civilisation to impress our girl friends.
@ONELINERS= Orson Wells

If god considered woman a helpmeet for men, He must have had a poor opinion
of men.
@ONELINERS= Samuel Butler

Love is man's delusion that one woman differs from another - still, man is
better off than woman; he marries later and dies sooner.
@ONELINERS= H. L. Mencken

All men are different, but husbands are all alike.
@ONELINERS= William Howard Taft, 1916

There's simply no other way for a man to feel his manliness, his knigliness
if you will, than to be loved by a beautiful woman.
@GENERAL= Tony Curtis

Men who do not make advances to women are apt to become victims to women who
make advances to them.
@ONELINERS= Walter Bagehot

A hard man is good to find.
@ONELINERS= Mae West

A man with an erection is in no need of advice.
@SEX= Italian Proverb

It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
@SEX= Mae West

Men who aren't pet-lovers aren't any good in bed.
@ONELINERS= Jilly Cooper

You know more about a man in one night than you do in months of
conversation.  In the sack, they can't cheat.
@ONELINERS= Edith Piaf

I like him and it in that order.
@SEX= Graffiti (Female)

Amor Vincit Omnia (Love conquers all)
@ONELINERS= Virgil

When asked if he was in love on getting engaged to Lady Diana Spencer:
Yes - whatever 'in love' means.
@ONELINERS= Prince Charles, 1981

If love is the answer, can you rephrase the question.
@ONELINERS= Lily Tomlin

Any time that is not spent on love is wasted.
@ONELINERS= Tasso

When people say, "You're breaking my heart", they do in fact usually mean
that you're breaking their genitals.
@SEX= Jeffrey Bernard, 1985

Love is not altogether a delirium, yet it has many points in common
therewith.
@ONELINERS= Thomas Carlyle

The Art of Love:
Knowing how to combine the temperament of a vampire with the discretion
of an anemone.
@SEX= E. Michel Cioran

Love is being stupid together.
@ONELINERS= Paul Valery

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
@ONELINERS= H. L. Mencken

Love means not ever having to say you're sorry.
@ONELINERS= Erich Sega, Love Story, 1970

Nothing is better for the spirit or body than a love affair.  It elevates
thoughts and flattens stomachs.
@GENERAL= Barbara Howar, Laughing All the Way, 1973

Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
@ONELINERS= Jerome K. Jerome

I have fallen in love with all sorts of girls and I fully intend to go on
doing so.
@ONELINERS= Prince Charles, 1975

I went out bicycling one afternoon, and suddenly, as I was riding along a
country road, I realised that I no longer loved Alys.
@GENERAL= Bertrand Russell

With the few words I wanted to assure that I love you and if you had been a
woman I would have concidered marrying you, although your head is full of
grey hairs, but as you are a man that possibility doesn't arise.
@GENERAL= Idi Amin, to President Nyerere of Tanzania, August 1972

Love is so much better when you are not married.
@ONELINERS= Maria Callas

One should always be in love.  That is the reason one should never marry.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

A lover has all the good points and all the bad points which are locking
in a husband.
@ONELINERS= Honore de Balzac, The Physiology of Marriage, 1829

The less we love a women, the more we are loved by her.
@ONELINERS= Alexander S. Pushkin

There is a codeword which opens safes - it is LOVE.
@ONELINERS= Anon, in West German Government offices

Love letters are the campaign promises of the heart.
@ONELINERS= Robert Friedman

I was in love once when I was young.  But then I became attached to the
Bureau.
@ONELINERS= J. Edgar Hoover

You can always get someone to love you -
even if you have to do it yourself.
@ONELINERS= Thomas L. Masson

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
@ONELINERS= Mae West

To Oscar Levant:
  If you had it all over again, Oscar, would you fall in love with
yourself?
@ONELINERS= George Gershwin

When people have loved me I have been embarrassed.
@ONELINERS= W. Somerset Maugham

The French boys will be naught.  Their minds do chiefly run on the
propagation of their race.
@SEX= John Aubrey, Brief Lives

Continental people have sex-life; the English have hot-water bottles.
@SEX= Georges Mikes

Once they call you a Latin Lover, you're in real trouble.  Women expect an
Oscar performance in bed.
@SEX= Marcello Mastroianni

For adult women wishing to marry, the best prospects are in Greenland.
@ONELINERS= UN division for Economic and Social Information, 1984

Everything short of war, President Roosevelt promised the English by way of
help in the dark days of the blitz; in the same way, American girls are
liable to promise their beaux everything short of fornication.
@GENERAL= malcolm Muggeridge

Australia:  Where men are men and sheep are nervous.
@GENERAL= Graffiti

You just leave those Russians to me, honey.  I'll take 'em all on,
a battalion at a time, and send them back to Omsk with their little
tails between their legs.
@GENERAL= Mae West

The Welsh are the only husbands to put their wives on their national flag.
@GENERAL= Anon

What men call gallantry, and gods adultery, is much more common where the
climate's sultry.
@GENERAL= Lord Byron

The mind is an errogenous zone.
@ONELINERS= David Frost

Were it not for imagination, a man would be as happy in the arms of a
chambermaid as of a duchess.
@ONELINERS= Dr Samuel Johnson

Sex appeal is 50 per cent what you've got and 50 per cent what people think
you've got.
@ONELINERS= Sophia Loren

The finest bosom in nature is not so fine as what imagination forms.
@BY= Anon

Women fall in love through their ears and men through their eyes.
@BY= Woodrow Wyatt, 1985

Male sexual response is far brisker and more automatic; it is triggered
easily by things, like putting a quarter in a vending machine.
@BY= Alex Comfort

All a writer has to do to get a woman is to say he's a writer.
It's an aphrodisiac.
@BY= Henry Kissinger

Hair is another name for sex.
@BY= Vidal Sassoon

Being baldpate is an unfailing sex magnet.
@BY= Telly Savalas

Absinthe makes the parts grow stronger.
@BY= Jack Hibberd

On Caroline of Brunswick's behaviour with the dey (governor) of Algiers:
She was happy as they dey was long.
@BY= Lord Norbury, 1820

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
@BY= Anon

Instructions for the Best Positions on the Pianoforte.
@BY= Colonel Peter Hawker, the title of a book

There are nine and sixty ways of constructing tribal lays,
And - every - single - one - of - them - is - right!
@BY= Rudyard Kipling, In the Neolithic Age

Oral sex is a matter of taste.
@BY= Graffiti

When Edwina Currie held aloft a pair of handcuffs at a Tory Party Conference:
I Admit I felt a bat's squeak of desire.
@BY= The Earl of Gowrie

Men like long nails - in old movies couples were always scratching each
other's backs.
@BY= Britt Ekland, 1984

Dancing is wonderful training for girls; it's the first way you learn to
guess what a man is going to do before he does it.
@BY= Christopher Morley

On dancing:  A perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
@BY= George Bernard Shaw

You know what comes between me and my Calvins?  Nothing!
@BY= Brooke Shields, in Calvin Klein jeans ad, 1980

To the average male there is seemingly nothing so attractive or so
challenging as a reasonably good-looking young mother who is married and
ALONE.
@BY= Shirley MacLaine

In the past a sexy woman was one who lay on a sofa like an odalisque,
smoking a cigarette.  Now she is an athletic woman.
@BY= Hardy Amies, 1984

Sweaty is sexy.
@BY= Farrah Fawcett-Majors

Women never look so well as when one comes in wet and dirty from hunting.
@BY= R. S. Surtees, Mr Sponge's Sporting Tour, 1853

Long-legged girls are fascinating - built for walking through grass.
@BY= Laurie lee

High heels were invented by a women who had been kissed on the forehead.
@BY= Christopher Morley

Only men who are not interested in women are interested in women's clothes;
men who like women never notice what they wear.
@BY= Anatole France

A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you.
@BY= Francoise Sagan

No woman [is] so naked as one you can see to be naked underneath her clothes.
@BY= Michael Frayn, Constructions, 1974

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
@BY= Dorothy Parker

The ends justify the jeans.
@BY= Graffiti

I knew I would like her when I saw how her backside moved under her red
satin skirt.
@BY= James Hadley Chase, No Orchids for Miss Blandish

A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points.
@BY= Mae West

The girl had as many curves as a scenic railway.
@BY= P. G. Wodehouse

I'm just naturally respectful of pretty girls in tight-fitting sweaters.
@BY= Jack Paar

British boobs are the best in the world.
@BY= Mrs Jane Contour (sic), bra expert

I was the first woman to burn mt bra - it took the fire department four days
to put it out.
@BY= Dolly Parton

If I hadn't had them, I would have had some made.
@BY= Dolly Parton

I really wish my bust was smaller.
@BY= Samantha Fox, 1986

Physical love, forbidden as it was twenty or thirty years ago, has now
become boringly obligatory.
@BY= Francoise Sagan, 1985

And so to bed.
@BY= Samuel Pepys

Don't ever have sex with someone in your office.  Wait until you get home.
@BY= Anon

It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the
trouble in the garden.
@BY= M. D. O'Connor

An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think about it,
the harder it gets.
@BY= Graffiti

On the pope and birth control:
He no play-a da game.  He no make-a da rules!
@BY= Earl Butz

The best contraceptive is a glass of cold water: not before or after,
but instead.
@BY= Anon

I would not like to leave contraception on the long finger too long.
@BY= Jack Lynch, Irish prime Minister, 1971

Love is two minutes fifty-two seconds of quishing noises.  It shows your
mind isn't clicking right.
@BY= Johnny Rotten

Sex is best in the afternoon after coming out of the shower.
@BY= Ronald Reagan, Ex-pesident of US.  (1949)

A women is a well-served table that one sees with different eyes before and
after the meal.
@BY= Honore de Balzac

Masterbation is the thinking man's television.
@BY= Christopher Hampton

Masturbation is coming unscrewed.
@BY= Graffiti

Don't knock masterbation - it's sex with someone you love.
@BY= Woody Allen, in the film 'Anne Hall', 1977

Masterbation is great - and you don't have to take your hand out to dinner
afterwards and talk to it about its problems.
@BY= Graffiti

One thing about masterbation - you meet a better class of person.
@BY= Graffiti

Young farmer with 100 acres would be pleased to hear from young lady with
tractor.  Please send photograph of tractor.
@BY= Advertisement in Evesham Admag, 1977

On marriage:  The deep, deep peace of the double-bed after the hurly-burly
of the chaise longue.
@BY= Mrs Patrick Campbell

If we take matrimony at its lowest, We regard it as a sort of friendship
recognised by the police.
@BY= Robert Louis Stevenson

Courtship is to marriage as a very witty prologue is to a dull play.
@BY= William Congreve

On her decision to accept the late Duke's marriage proposal:
I decided I had enjoyed myself long enough.
@BY= Princess Alice, Duchess of Gloucester

Marriage:  It begins with a prince kissing an angel.  It ends with a
baldheaded man looking across the table at a fat women.
@BY= Anon

Marriage:  It begins when you sink into his arms; and ends with your arms
in his sink.
@BY= Graffiti

Marriage is a feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner.
@BY= Charles Caleb Colton

Marriage - a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the
remaining chapters in prose.
@BY= Beverley Nichols

Marriage is a covered dish.
@BY= Swiss Proverb

Marriage may be compared to a cage.  The birds outside despair to get in
and those within despair to get out.
@BY= Montaigne

Marriage: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master,
a mistress, and two slaves, making, in all, two.
@BY= Ambrose Bierce

I think marriage is a very personal thing.
@BY= Victoria Principal, 1984

If they only married when they fell in love most people would die unwed.
@BY= Robert Louis Stevenson

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays
and the other never forgets them.
@BY= Ogden Nash

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one
woman.
@BY= P. B. Shelley

My son got his first part, playing a man who's been married for thirty years.
I told him to stick at it and next time he'd get a speaking part.
@BY= Henry Fonda, 1978

The most happy marriage I can picture... Would be the union of a deaf man to
a blind woman.
@BY= Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost
certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little care in this very
imperfect one) both partners might have found more suitable mates.  But the
real soul-mate is the one you are actually married to.
@BY= J.R.R. Tolkien, in a letter to his sone Michael, March 1941

The best of all possible marriages is a seesaw in which first one then the
other partner is dominant.
@BY= Dr. Joyce Brothers

Getting married is a serious matter for a girl; not getting married is even
more serious.
@BY= Nicolas Beatley

Marrieage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the
maximum of opportunity.
@BY= George Bernard Shaw

To have a women to lye with when one pleases, without running any risk of the
cursed expense of bastards... these are solid views of matrimony.
@BY= Robert Burns

A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be bothered
with sexm and all that sort of thing.
@BY= W. Somerset Maugham

Every bride has to learn it's not her wedding but her mother's.
@BY= Luci Johnson Nugent, 1966

When an old man marries a young wife, he grows younger - but she grows older.
@BY= Jewish Proverb

I have always thought that every woman should marry and no man.
@BY= Benjamin Disraeli

If you marry you will regret it.  If you do not marry, you will also
regret it.
@BY= Soren Kierkegaard

When two divorced people marry, four get into bed.
@BY= Jewish Proverb

To marry a second time represents the triumph of hope over experience.
@BY= Dr Samuel Johnson

A man and a woman marry because both of them don't know what to do with
themselves.
@BY= Anton Chekhov

On getting married:
It's like signing a 356-page contract without knowing what's in it.
@BY= Mick Jagger

The surest way to be alone is to get married.
@BY= Gloria Steinem

If you're afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
@BY= Anton Chekhov

The greatest thing about marriage is that it enables one to be alone without
feeling loneliness.
@BY= Gerald Brenan, 1978

It is easier to be a lover than a husband, for the same reason that it is
more difficult to show a ready wit all day long than to say a good thing
occasionally.
@BY= Honore de Balzac

Husbands are chiefly good lovers when they are betraying their wives.
@BY= Marilyn Monroe

I was married once - in San Francisco.  I haven't seen her for many years.
The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate.
There's no legal proof.  Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.
@BY= W. C. Fields

Marriage:  A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and
through the nose of the gentleman.
@BY= Herbert Spencer

Most men fall in love with a pretty face but find themselves bound for life
to a hateful stranger, alternating endlessly between workshop and a witch's
kitchen.
@BY= Arthur Schopenhauer

In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
@BY= Douglas Jerroid

I've sometimes thought of marrying - and then I've thought again.
@BY= Noel Coward

All tragedies are finished by death,
All comedies are ended by a marriage.
@BY= Lord Byron

Love-matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey,
to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar.
@BY= The Countess of Blessington

Advice to persons about to marry - DON'T!
@BY= Henry Mayhew, in Punch, 1845.

Keep thy eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterwards.
@BY= Thomas Fuller, 1731

Men marry because they are tired; women marry because they are curious;
both are disappointed.
@BY= Oscar Wilde

Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.
@BY= George Christoph Lichtenberg

Marriage is a mistake every man should make.
@BY= George Jessel

Praise a wife but remain a bachelor.
@BY= Italian Proverb

They dream in marriage but in wedlock wake.
@BY= Alexander Pope

Strange to say what delight we married people have to see these poor fools
decoyed into our condition.
@BY= Samuel Pepys

The only really happy people are married women and single men.
@BY= H. L. Mencken

Greatest horror - dream I am married - wake up shrieking.
@BY= J. M. Barrie, in a notebook at the age of eighteen

On the birth of his second son:
We have nearly got a full polo team now.
@BY= Prince Charles, 1984

On pregnancy:  It's a very boring time.  I am not particularly maternal -
it's an occupational hazard of being a wife.
@BY= Princess Anne, in a TV interview, 1981

The critical period in matrimony is breakfast time.
@BY= A. P. Herbert

Basically my wife was immature.  I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come
in and sink my boats.
@BY= Woody Allen

In some countries being president is just an honorary position -
like being a husband in Hollywood.
@BY= Earl Wilson

One wife at a time is enough for most people.
@BY= Mr. Justice Smith, 1979

The London season is entirely matrimonial; people are either hunting for
jusbands or hiding from them.
@BY= Oscar Wilde

It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is ure to find next morning
that it was someone else.
@BY= Benjamin Franklin

So heavy is the chain of wedlock that it needs two to carry it, and sometimes
three.
@BY= Alexandre Dumas (fils)

The first thrill of adultery is entering the house.  Everything there has
been paid for by the other man.
@BY= John Updike, 1985

I don't think there are any men who are faithful to their wives.
@BY= Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

I don't know of any young man, black or white, who doesn't have a girl friend
besides his wife.  Some have four sneaking around.
@BY= Muhammed Ali

Adultery is a most conventional way to rise above the conventional.
@BY= Vladimir Nabokov

Adultery in your heart is committed not only when you look with excessive
sexual desire at a woman who is not your wife, but also if you look in
the same manner at your wife.
@BY= Pope John Paul II, 1980

I can't take dictation.  I can't type.  I can't even answer the phone.
@BY= Elizabeth Ray, Secretary of Congressman Wayne Hays, 1976

A mistress should be like a little country retreat near the town;
not to dwell in constantly, but only for a night and away!
@BY= William Wycherley

When you marry your mistress, you create a job vacancy.
@BY= Sir James Goldsmith

I've looked on a lot of women with lust.  I've committed adultery in my
heart many times.  God recognises I will do this and forgives me.
@BY= Jimmy Carter, interviewed in Playboy, November 1976

For my part I keep the commandments, I love my neighbour as myself, and
to avoid coveting my neighbour's wife I desire to be coveted by her;
which you know is quite another thing.
@BY= William Congeve, 1700

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands
a woman.  And behind her stands his wife.
@BY= Groucho Marx

When you have an affair with a married man, you hear a lot more about his
wife than you do about yourself.
@BY= Sandra Hochman

Nowadays all the married men live like bachelors, and all the bachelors
live like married men.
@BY= Oscar Wilde

I say I don't sleep with married men, but when I mean is that I don't sleep
with happily married men.
@BY= Britt Ekland, 1980

"Come, Come," said Tom's father, "at your time of life,
There's no excuse for this playing the rake -
It is time you should think, boy, of taking a wife" -
"Why, so it is, father - Whose wife shall I take?"
@BY= Thomas Moore

On being asked, "How many husbands have you had?":
You mean apart from my own?
@BY= Zsa Zsa Gabor

NO matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to
discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not.
@BY= Anon

A lover teaches a wife all that her husband has concealed from her.
@BY= Honore de Balzac

The prerequisite for a good marriage is the licence to be unfaithful.
@BY= C. G. Jung

A man can have two, maybe three, love affairs while he's married. But three
is the absolute maximum.  After that you're cheating.
@BY= Yves Montand

When his wife caught him kissing a chorus-girl:
I wasn't kissing her.  I was whispering in her mouth.
@BY= Chico Marx

In married life, three is company and two none.
@BY= Oscar Wilde

Love, the quest; Marriage, the conquest; Divorce, the inquest.
@BY= Helen Rowland

Divorces are made in heaven.
@BY= Oscar Wilde

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
@BY= Zsa Zsa Gabor

WHen his wife abandoned him:
I did not forsake her, I did not dismiss her: I will not recall her.
@BY= John Wesley

To Lord Snowdon on the break-up of his marriage to Princess Margaret:
Your experience will be a lesson to all of us men to be careful not to
marry ladies in high positions.
@BY= Idi Amin, March 1976

The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is doubtless
a separation.
@BY= The 4th Earl of Chesterfield

My wife got the house, the car, the bank account, and if I marry again and
have children, she gets them too.
@BY= Woody Allen

It was partly my fault we got divorced.  I had a tendency to place my wife
under a pedestal.
@BY= Woody Allen

Many a man owes his success to his first wife, and his second wife to
his success.
@BY= Jim Backus

Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
@BY= Arthur Baer

Alimony is the screwing you get for the screwing you got.
@BY= Graffiti

I am a marvellous housekeeper.  Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
@BY= Zsa Zsa Gabor

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal
separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
@BY= Johnny Carson

It takes two to destroy a marriage.
@BY= Margaret Trudeau

Why is it when married couples separate, they so often tend to blame each
other for the very qualities that attracted them to each other in the
first place.
@BY= Sydney J. Harris

Nudge nudge, wink wink.  Say no more.  Know what I mean?
@BY= Eric Idle, Monty Python's Flying Circus

On the book 'Lady Chatterley's Lover' by D.H.Lawrence:
Is it a book that you would have lying around in your house?
Is this a book you would ever wish your wife or your servants to read?
@BY= Mervyn Griffith Jones, prosecuting the publishers on obscenity, 1961

I don't see so much of Alfred at night any more since he got so interested
in sex.
@BY= Mrs Alfred Kingsley, wife of author Kingsley Report on Sexual Behaviour

I had cherished a profound conviction that her bringing me up by hand gave
her no right to bring me up by jerks.
@BY= Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

Meredith had an unbounded enthusiasm for French letters.
@BY= Anonymous Author of George Meredith's letters to Alice Meynell

On 'Oh, Calcutta!':
This is the kind of show that gives pornography a bad name.
@BY= Clive Barnes, 1969

On the opening night of 'Oh, Calcutta!":
The trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the
music stops.
@BY= Sir Robert Helpmann

To David Garrick:  I'll come no more behind your scenes, David;
for the silk stockings and white bosoms of your actresses excite my
amorous propensities.
@BY= Samuel Johnson

You know, I go to the theatre to be entertained... I don't want to see plays
about rape, sodomy, and drug addiction... I can get all that at home.
@BY= Peter Cook, in the Observer, 8 July 1962

When asked if she had really posed for a calendar with nothing on:
Oh, no, I had the radio on.
@BY= Marilyn Monroe

On topless models:
They're going to turn us all off sex pretty soon if they don't stop.
@BY= Jane Russell, 1986

The artist has won through his fantasy what he could only win in his
fantasy: honour, power, and the love of women.
@BY= Sigmund Freud, 1916

I would rather go to bed with a cold cod than the Hon. Member for Perth
and Kinross (Nicholas Fairbairn).
@BY= janet Fookes MP, 1985

The trouble with Ian (Fleming) is that he gets off with women because he
can't get on with them.
@BY= Rosamond Lehmann

On Henry Kissinger:  Henry's idea of sex is to slow down to thirty miles
an hour when he drops you off at the door.
@BY= Barbara Howar

When the Earl of Lichfield said he was dropping her because 'she was no good
in the country': And he's no good in bed.
@BY= Britt Ekland

There are three things my brother Chico is always on: a phone, a horse,
or a broad.
@BY= Groucho Marx

They say a man is as old as the woman he feels.  In that case I'm eighty-
five.
@BY= Groucho Marx

Dudley Moore is a phallic thimble.
@BY= Graffiti

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
@BY= Walt Disney

After her first night with Orson Wells:
I looked at his head on the pillow and knew he was just waiting for the
applause.
@BY= Rita Hayworth

He had got one arm round your waist and one eye on the clock.
@BY= Margot Asquith

On a small, potential lover:  The problem was that when I was young I used
to like to do it standing up and, if I had ever done it with him, he would
have been jabbing me in the knees.
@BY= Josephine Baker

Photo inscription to her fiance:  To my gorgeous lover, Harry.  I'll trade
all my It for your that.
@BY= Clara Bow, the 'It' Girl

On the Mormon ex-lover she had kidnapped and chained to her bed:
I loved Kirk so much, I would have skied down Mount Everst in the nude with
a carnation up my nose.
@BY= Joyce McKinney, in an English court, 1977

On Edwina Currie MP:
All the poison that my Hon. Friend suggested I would happily take rather
than be spreadeagled on the floor of the House by her.
@BY= Nicholas Fairbairn MP, in the House of Commons, Jan 1985

'Romance on the High Seas' was Doris Day's first picture; that was before
she became a virgin.
@BY= Oscar Levant, 1965

On Britt Ekland: She's a professional girl-friend and an amateur actress.
@BY= Peter Sellers

Marilyn Monroe?  A vacuum with nipples.
@BY= Otto Preminger

On a Hallowe'en party where people were ducking for apples:
There, but for a typographical error, is the story of my life.
@BY= Dorothy Parker

When pregnant:  It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.
@BY= Dorothy Parker

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and she can't say 'no' in any of them.
@BY= Dorothy PArker

Suggested epitaph for an available actress: She sleeps alone at last.
@BY= Robert Benchley

Of an available starlet:  She was the original good time that was had by all.
@BY= Bette Davis

There's a lot of promiscuity about these days, and I'm all for it.
@BY= Ben Travers (aged 94), 1980

What is a promiscuous person?  It's usually someone who is getting more sex
than you are.
@BY= Victor Lownes

If all the young girls at the Yale Prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be
at all surprised.
@BY= Dorothy Parker

Save a boyfriend for a rainy day and another in case it doesn't.
@BY= Mae West

I don't want to see any faces at this party that I haven't sat on.
@BY= Anonymous Hollywood Actress

It's impossible to ravish me, I'm so willing.
@BY= John Fletcher, 1610

Cannes is where you lie on the beach and look at the stars, or vice versa.
@BY= Rex Reed

Our world had changed.  It's no longer a question of 'Does she or Doesn't
she?'  We all know she wants to, is about to, or does.
@BY= 'J', in The Sensuous Woman

The orgasm has replaced the Cross as the focus of longing and the image
of fulfilment.
@BY= Malcolm Muggeridge

Chivalry:  going about releasing beautiful maidens from other men's castles,
and taking them back to your own castle.
@BY= Henry W. Nevinson

This administration is going to do for sex what the last one (Eisenhower's)
did for golf.
@BY= Anonymous aide to John F. Kennedy

A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
@BY= Anon

I do alot of research, especially in the apartments of tall blondes.
@BY= Raymond Chandler

Outside every thin girl there is a fat man trying to get in.
@BY= Katharine Whitehorn

What is wrong with a little incest?  It is both handy and cheap.
@BY= James Agate

The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
@BY= George S. Kaufmann

You should make a point of trying every experience once - except incest
and folk dancing.
@BY= Anonymous Scotsman

I am fond of children (except boys).
@BY= Revd C. L. Dodgson (Lewis Carroll)

Buggery is boring.
Incest is relatively boring.
Necrophilia is dead boring.
@BY= Graffiti

I was a beautiful little boy, and evryone had me - men, women, dogs and
fire hydrants.
@BY= Truman Capote

Never do with your hands what you could do better with you mouth.
@BY= Cherry Vanilla, groupie

I regret to say that we at the FBI are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless it has some way obstructed interstate commerce.
@BY= J. Edgar Hoover

Personally I have always felt (soixante-neuf) to be madly confusing, like
trying to pat your head and rub your stomach at the same time.
@BY= Helen Lawrenson

Sado-masochism means not having to say you are sorry.
@BY= Graffiti

I'm all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults.
@BY= Gore Vidal

There's nothing wrong with going to bed with somebody of your own sex...
People should be very free with sex - they should draw the line at goats.
@BY= Elton John

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful - provided you get the right
man and the right woman.
@BY= Woody Allen

On a famous pair about to get married:
Splendid couple - slept with both of them.
@BY= Sir Maurice Bowra

He was into animal husbandry - until they caught him at it.
@BY= Tom Lehrer

Among the porcupines, rape is unknown.
@BY= Gregory Clark

There is no unhappier creature on earth than a fetishist who yearns for
woman's shoes and has to embrace the whole woman.
@BY= Karl Kraus, 1909

Certainly nothing is unnatural that is not physically impossible.
@BY= Richard Brinsley Sheridan, 1779

Some things can't be ravished.  You can't ravish a tin of sardines.
@BY= D.H.Lawrence, Lady Chatterley's Lover

To Bernard Shaw, after an empty fliration:
You had no tight to write the preface if you were not going to write
the book.
@BY= Edith Nesbit

Nothing is so much to be shunned as sexual relations.
@BY= St Augustine

The expense of spirit in a waste of shame
Is lust in action...
Enjoy'd no sooner but despised straight...
Before, a joy propos'd; behind, a dream.
@BY= William Shakespeare, Sonnet 129

All this fuss about sleeping together.  For physical pleasure I'd sooner go
to my dentist any day.
@BY= Evelyn Waugh, 1930

Sex is a bad thing because it rumples the clothes.
@BY= jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

Niagara is only the second biggest disappointment of the standard honeymoon.
@BY= Oscar Wilde

The first time is never the best.
@BY= Adverising slogan for Campari

On Maureen O'Hara:  She looked as though butter wouldn't melt in her mouth -
or anywhere else.
@BY= Elsa Lanchester

Take me or leave me.
Or as most people do: both.
@BY= Dorothy Parker

When my bed is empty,
Makes me feel awful mean and blue.
My springs are getting rusty,
Living single like I do.
@BY= Bessie Smith, 'Empty Bed Blues', c. 1928

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
@BY= Helen Gurley-Brown

When I'm good, I'm very good.  When I'm bad, I'm better.
@BY= Mae West

Thanks, I enjoyed every inch of it.
@BY= Mae West

My mother said it was simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in the living-
room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom.  I said I'd hire the
other two and take care of the bedroom bit.
@BY= Jerry Hall, 1985

There comes a point where every woman has to face up to being an old broad.
@BY= Ava Gardner, 1984

Is it not strange that desire should so many years outlive performance.
@BY= William Shakespeare, King Henry IV, Part II

Show me a naked girl and I'll show you how quickly I can go to sleep.
@BY= Groucho Marx

When asked towards the end of his life whether he had any regrets:
Yes, I haven't had enough sex.
@BY= Sir John Betjeman, February 1983

delighted you came, my dear, and I'd like you to know that you made a happy
man feel very old.
@BY= Terry-Thomas, in the film 'The Last Remake of Beau Geste', 1977

She offered her honour,
I honoured her offer,
So all night long
It was on her and off her.
@BY= Anon

Boy, am I exhausted!  I went on a double date last night and the other girl
didn't show up.
@BY= Mae West

We have been on a working honeymoon.
@BY= David Frost, 1983

When a woman tells him, "You are the greatest lover I have ever known":
Well, I practise a lot when I'm on my own.
@BY= Woody Allen, in the film 'Love and Death', 1975

On double beds v. single beds: It is not the wild, ecstatic leap across that
I deplore.  It is the weary trudge home.
@BY= Anon

"Well, how was Christmas?"
"If the soup had been as warm as the wine, and the wine as old as the
chicken, and the chicken as tender as the upstairs maid, and the maid
as willing as the duchess, it would have been perfect."
@BY= Anon

"The Roker roar has been very much to the fore in the background."
@BY= Commentator, Radio WM

"... home advantage gives you an advantage..."
@BY= Bobby Robson, BBC1

"Always remember, the Russians are fantastic chess players, and I suspect
 Mr. Gorbachev has still quite a few cards left in his hand."
@BY= Jacques Darras, Radio 4

DAVID COLEMAN: "What made you think it was Richard Gough?"
LIZ McCOLGAN : "Because it looks like him."
@BY= A Question Of Sport, BBC1

"Frank Lessor... one of the unsung heroes of popular music."
@BY= David Jacobs, Radio 2

Fight truth decay - brush up on your Bible every day!
@BY= On a church poster

Come in for a faith lift.
@BY= On a church poster

Seven prayerless days make one spiritually weak.
@BY= On a church poster

The Good Book has more chapters than the bad box had channels.
@BY= On a church poster

Come to Ch**ch.  What is missing?
@BY= On a church poster

It's impossible to lose your footing on your knees.
@BY= On a church poster

Jog to church and keep spiritually fit.
@BY= On a church poster

Bank on God for a higher rate of interest.
@BY= On a church poster

We have a normal husband and wife relationship - she is definitely the boss!
@BY= McCartney, on life with Linda

Consoling news for users of the unpopular driver-only buses:
You are four times less likely to get squashed in the driver-operated doors
than you are to fall of the back of the friendly old-style two-crew buses.
@BY= Sunday Express Magazine

Include me out!
@BY= Samuel Goldwyn

A week is a long time in politics.
@BY= Harold Wilson

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding,
he sings.
@BY= Ed Gardner

I do not mind what language an opera is sung in as long as it is a language
I do not understand.
@BY= Sir Edward Appleton

No good opera plot can be sensible, for poeple do not sing when they are
feeling sensible.
@BY= W. H. Auden

Oh how wonderful, really wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
@BY= Rossini

People are wrong when they say the opera isn't what it used to be.
It is what it used to be.  That's what's wrong with it.
@BY= Noel Coward

The opera isn't over till the fat lady sings.
@BY= Dan Cook

One goes to see a tragedy to be moved, to the opera one goes either for want
of any other interest or to facilitate digestion.
@BY= Voltaire

Going to the opera, like getting drunk, is a sin that carries its own
punishment with it.
@BY= Hannah More

Opera is like a husband with a foreign title: expensive to support, hard to
understand, and therefore a supreme social challenge.
@BY= Cleveland Amory

Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in
italian.
@BY= H. L. Mencken

I'd like to be a balanced human being, but I find that a very difficult goal.
@BY= Eric Clapton

Sir, I was told that the definition of a gentleman was a man who can play
bagpipes but doesn't.
@BY= J. Chance

No judge can ever say he's never made a mistake.  If he does he's a
complacent fool.
@BY= Judge James Pickles

A BR Guard over the loudspeaker on an overcrowded Plymouth to London Train:
It's not my fault.  This service is a disgrace.
@BY= in The Mail on Sunday (Newspaper)

Famous?  I'm not famous.  Often people come on stage and say "Hello Steve!"
@BY = Jon Anderson

The spirella corset factory is closing because the bottom has dropped out
of the market.
@BY= Anglia TV

Neutrality doesn't make sense - who are they being neutral against?
@BY= Dennis Healey, Question Time

Now the All Blacks thunderbolt is moving slowly forward...
@BY= Ian Robertson, BBC World Service

I'm not goning to predict what I'm gonna do, but I'm gonna come out there
the winner.
@BY= Frank Bruno, Radio 1

Whoever wins the first frame will be one frame up.
@BY= Steve Davis, Radio 4

Mason has won none of his fights within the first round, and this isn't one
of them...
@BY= Harry Carpenter, BBC1

You say you've hit some dodgy ground.  Exactly what does that mean in
layman's terms?
@BY= Guy Michelmore, BBC1

The two super-powers cannot divide the world into their oyster.
@BY= Michael Heseltine, Radio 4

Robson's lack of inspiration has been the cornerstone of United's weakness.
@BY= Brian Moore, ITV

We didn't expect to be top, and that's a fact.  But football's not about
facts, it's about what happens.
@BY= Dave Bassett, BBC1

A momentary moment of slackness...
@BY= BBC Radio Solent

I wouldn't pay a million pounds to be somewhere else tonight!
@BY= Capital Gold football commentator

There you can see Sunday Silence, who's hidden by another horse...
@BY= Brough Scott, Channel 4

Although a Canadian, Mario Martinez is, in fact, an Italian.
@BY= Ted Lowe, BBC2 Snooker

He comes at you rather like a fridge door opening with the light going on.
@BY= Simon Bates, Radio 1

No fortune is better than mis-fortune.
@BY= Anon

I've got some years on my chest now, and the winds not blowing them off!
@BY= Frank Bruno, News at One

The problem is that there are so many people alive in the Soviet Union now
who gave their lives for that sort of thing.
@BY= James Dingley, Channel 4

And there he is sitting in exactly the same place on the other side of
the ring.
@BY= Harry Carpenter (Boxing Commentator), BBC1

The hurdles we had to climb were traditionally untrodden... So we were
blazing new trails all the time.
@BY= Power Expert, Radio 4

Going through Jimmy White's mind now will be the winning post.
@BY= Dennis Taylor, ITV

I once married a pair of legs which was a bad idea.
@BY= Jeffrey Bernard

On his proposed walk to the North Pole:
Where I am going, my chances of survival are statistically higher than
on Fleet Street.
@BY= Sir Ranulph Fiennes

On her ample bosom:
Sometimes I feel like an upside-down pyramid.
@BY= Victoria Principle

He drinks whisky.  Everyone knows that, but he had not been to a shindig
or a party.  He had been working at ITN.
@BY= Lady Burnet, on her bruised Husband Sir Alastair Burnett.

Vincent Van Gogh talked about having to drink for a whole summer to find a
certain shade of yellow.  I think he just couldn't find the tube the yellow
was in.
@BY= Dennis Hopper, on his new-found sobriety.

She is a real no-nonsense lady, a sort of a Harry Trueman in panty-hose.
@BY= Johnny Carson, describing First Lady Barbara Bush.

He went down like a sack of potatoes, then made a meal of it...
@BY= Trevor Brooking, Radio 2

It was a catch 50/50 situation really.
@BY= Dean Willey, ITV

It was in this hall last week that an Indian weight-lifter picked up
three medals.
@BY= Ian Payne, Radio 4

Being seven points behind gives you a definite psychological advantage.
@BY= Alex Murphy, BBC1

Orange juice; that's the juice of an orange.
@BY= Michael Barry, BBC2

Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six.  One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate
   to the experience.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five.  One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the
   Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None of your damn business!
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 50.  50?  Yeah 50; its in the contract.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two.  One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None.  Thats a hardware problem.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information.  Answer available from AT&T on payment
   of license fee (binary only).
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to
   get it done.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None:  `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None of your damn business!
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None:  A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to
   do it.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None.  ("Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...")
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two.  (Hint:  They are small enough to fit inside).
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes
   on strike!
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many WASPs (Californians)  does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Silly, WASPs (Californians) don't screw in a lightbulb, they screw in
   hot tubs.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None:  The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1,000,001:  One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
   civilization to the point where they need lightbulbs again.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five:  One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
   out from under him.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None.  If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oooh, like, manual labor?  Gag me with a spoon!  For sure.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
      One to write the light bulb removal program,
      one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
      one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
          nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
Notes:  1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen.  The true Zen answer is
   Four.  One to change the bulb.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about
   how good the old light bulb was.
Notes:  This has also been said of Virginians.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the
   bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
   installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three.  One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number
   to dial one of their subornidates to actually change it.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
        Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10%
        of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank",
        and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists
        of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None.  They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None.  It turned itself in.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven.  One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do
   with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q:  How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  How many can you afford?
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The entire team!  And they all get a semester's credit for it!
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q:  How many thought police does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  None.  There never *was* any lightbulb.
Notes:  Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q:  how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if
    you knew how many.
Notes:  Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q:  How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: ---- You should have hit "n"!
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One third less than for a regular bulb.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q:  How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Two. One to assume the ladder, and one to change the lightbulb.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q:  How many civil servants does it take to change the lightbulb?
A:  45.  One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to
   give it a surprising twist at the end.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
   itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
   reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out
   toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q. How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A. 50. One to screw in the lightbulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q. How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
Notes: What do you mean, you haven't read 2010 yet?
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q:  How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to screw in
    a light bulb?

A:  Five.  While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use
    a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body.
    Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for
    Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light
    fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high-
    wattage model of his own design.  Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the
    door in a laundry truck.  Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed,
    we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the
    United States.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct
    the ship out of disgrace."
(Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight.  They
consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.)
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q:  How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace
    a light bulb?
A:  Many hands make light work.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one. He holds the lightbulb and the universe revolves around
   him.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three.  One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the
   third to shoot the witness.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another LBJ?
A: 1,622.  One to tell the orginal joke, and the rest to give some
   minor variation of it!
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many sorority members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 51.  One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb
   being changed.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q:  How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two.  One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other
    screws the bulb into the water faucet.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q:  How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
   pending resolution of some action items.  It will be continued next week.
   Meanwhile...
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: None.  Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in, and a second to hand our leaflets.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to call the cleaning lady and the other two to feel guilty
about having to call the cleaning lady?
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Seventeen. One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the
bulb. One to hold him on the stepladder. Four to hold the stepladder steady.
One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the other
bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee
break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot the best way of breaking
into the apartment at night. One to drink martinis with the WASPs.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: At least three.
(Notes: think height!)
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many EST followers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A roomful. They take turns as the leader tells them what rotten and
worthless bulb screwers they are. No one is allowed to leave the room to go
to the bathroom while the bulb screwing is in progress.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to
go back on.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10,0000  - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
(Notes: this joke might be dated.)
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: All of them.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One and a half.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Amish don't have light bulbs. They bake pies.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me."
(Notes: Sock it = Socket.  Also, the phrase was from "Laugh In.")
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many Sparts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: You can't CHANGE a light bulb!
(Notes: Sparts = Spartacus Youth League, a leftist fringe group that beleives
in violent revolution.)
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q. How many Data Flow people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Matching store overflow.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke


Q. How many Prolog people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. No.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q. How many VDM (Formal Specification) people does it take to change
   a lightbulb?
A. You mean lightbulbs fail?  In service?? Is that in the spec.???
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q. How many Real Manchester Programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None.  MUSS doesn't have lightbulbs.  And if it had, you couldn't access
   them.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q. How many Professors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One. If you can find one.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q. How many Formal Methods Academics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 10. 9 to prove that the new bulb is consistent with the old bulb -
   and one to screw it in.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q. How many Formal Methods Pragmatists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 2. One to change the bulb and one to re-write the specification.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q. How many Flagship (Research Group) people does it take to change
   a lightbulb?
A. 30. One to hold the bulb and 29 to apply the room to the bulb.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q. How many Technical staff does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Five. One to open stores, one to fetch the bulb, one to take the
   old bulb out, one to put the new bulb in - and one to make the coffee.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q. How many IPSE (Research Group) people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 100. 99 to discuss the implications of advanced generic rotational
   protrusive-recessive interfaces (AGRPRI's) on illumination management
   in the large, - and one to screw the bulb into the socket.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many Welshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 81. 30 to play rugby, 50 to form the choir and one to screw it in.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many Engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 20. They don't need a lightbulb once the Radical Internal Screwing
   Candle machine is re-invented.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many Senior Lecturers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 11. One to watch the lightbulb and ten to write the Esprit proposal
   for the project that will culminate in the screwing in of the light
   bulb.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q. How many ICL experts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. er.... I'm sorry, Nic Holt is away today..
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q. How many Manchester postgraduates does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Just one.  He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around
   him.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q. How many SERC/ALVEY/ESPRIT project holders does it take to screw in a
   lightbulb?
A. Just one, as long as there is a Research Assistant around to explain how
   to do it.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q. How many (Computer) Hardware Lecturers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Four.  One to smelt the tungsten, one to wind it into a coil, one to
   blow the glass envelope, and one to fill it full of hot air!
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q.  How many Professors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A.  (*Censored*)
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q.  How many CS216 Lecturers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A.  Two.  One to change the lightbulb, and one to explain why
    the lightbulbs used locally don't follow the International
    Standard 7-layer Lighting Model.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q.  How many Electronics Lecturers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A.  Only one.  (Hint: forming the Thevenin equivalent model of the
    lightbulb is a good start.)
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

Q. How many Building Services People (New Telephone people) does it take
   to change a lightbulb?

A. One to take the message, one to explain why Keith Hough is away on a
   course, one to lose the yellow slip, one to tell the GEC engineer to
   connect the wrong wires, one to remove Ursula's skirting board, one to
   build a Departmental Database of bulbs that need changing, one to rekey
   the information into an IBM PC, the man who knows why we can't use the
   switchboard console at the moment, and.....

   someone who remembers why we wanted lightbulbs in the first place.
@BY= Lightbulb Joke

And Clive Norling, running backwards, just like a football referee, looking
forwards to make sure nothing untoward was happening behind him.
@BY= Bill MacLaren, BBC1

I'm a forgotten man in his (Bobby Robson's) mind.
@BY= Glenn Hoddle, Radio 4

After this fight he (Kirkland Lang) can look himself in the face.
@BY= Rod Douglas, BBC1

As long as the ball stays out of play, it's just eating into Manchester
United's hands.
@BY= Mike Ingham, Radio 2

Although he isn't as good as he was two years ago, now he's even better!
@BY= Commentator, Superbowl, Channel 4

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it
   is to leave her with no hard feelings.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

2. Nothing improves with age.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take
   it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

4. Sex has no calories.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most
   amount of trouble.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or
   how long it is going to last.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

12. Virginity can be cured.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops
    listening to him.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the
    same ones she can't stand years later.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

17. It is always the wrong time of month.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you
    won't either.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for
    crop failure.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

22. The younger the better.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that
    caused the trouble in the garden.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot
    of frogs.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse
    than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

30. Love is a hole in the heart.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone
    into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on
    the moon.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

33. Do it only with the best.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned
    four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

39. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

42. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the
    women he couldn't.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

46. Never say no.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

52. Love comes in spurts.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

53. The world does not revolve on an axis.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other
    eight are unimportant.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they
    fall in love.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

60. "This won't hurt, I promise."
@BY= Murphy's Law on Sex

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will
cause the most damage will be the first one to go wrong.
@BY= Murphy's Law

If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go
wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly
develop.
@BY= Murphy's Law

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
@BY= Murphy's Law

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
@BY= Murphy's Law

Mother nature is a bitch.
@BY= Murphy's Law

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
@BY= Murphy's Law

In nature, nothing is ever right. therefore, if everything is going right...
something is wrong.
@BY= Murphy's Law

The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
@BY= Murphy's Law

The amount of expertise varies in inverse ratio to the number of statements
understood by the general public.
@BY= Murphy's Law

Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a
larger can.
@BY= Murphy's Law

Anything that begins well ends badly.
Anything that begins badly ends worse.
@BY= Murphy's Law

Give any problem containing N equations, there will N+1 unknowns.
@BY= Murphy's Law

No books are lost by lending except those you particularly wanted to keep.
@BY= Murphy's Law

If you miss one issue of any magazine, it will be the issue that contains
the article, story or installment you were most anxious to read.....and.....
all of your friends either missed it, lost it, or threw it out.
@BY= Murphy's Law

You never find the what you want, until you replace it.
@BY= Murphy's Law

Any inanimate object, regardless of its position, configuration or purpose,
may be expected to perform at any time in a totally unexpected manner for
reasons that are either entirely obscure or else completely mysterious.
@BY= Murphy's Law

The bus is always late, unless you are !
@BY= Murphy's Law

An object or bit of information most needed will be least available.
@BY= Murphy's Law

Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible.
@BY= Murphy's Law

In any human endeavor,  once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail,
there will be one solution,  simple and obvious,  and highly visible to
everyone else.
@BY= Murphy's Law

Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in.
@BY= Murphy's Law

1.  Brains x Beauty = Constant.
2.  As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, availability goes
    to zero.
@BY=

One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet when
well oiled.
@BY=

The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the number of times
you have looked at it.
@BY= Murphy's Law

Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out if it alive.
@BY=

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form
of misery.
@BY=

Ninety nine percent of all people consider themselves to be above
average drivers.
@BY=

If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.
@BY= Murphy's Law

Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve
people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
@BY=

You can learn many things from children.  How much patience you have,
for instance.
@BY=

"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
@BY=

A survey has shown that the most popular form of holiday is a three
year arts degree.
@BY=

If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.
@BY=

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from
where you left them to where you can't find them.
@BY= Murphy's Law

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you
say, talk in your sleep.
@BY=

There are three ways to get something done:

 (1) Do it yourself.
 (2) Hire someone to do it for you.
 (3) Forbid your kids to do it.
@BY=

Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
@BY=

Children are unpredictable.  You never know what inconsistency they're going
to catch you in next.
@BY=

Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
wish you weren't.
@BY=

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
@BY=

If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well enough
to travel.
@BY=

Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.  Check three
friends.  If they're OK, you're it.
@BY=

At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits
his thumb with a hammer.
@BY=

Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
tried taking candy from a baby.
@BY=

Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
@BY=

If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
@BY=

Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
@BY=

Everyone talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it.
@BY=

Never use your thumb for a rule.  You'll either hit it with a hammmer
or get a splinter in it.
@BY=

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
@BY=

We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one
technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
@BY=

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
@BY= Anon

Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
@BY= Murphy's Law

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
@BY= Anon

Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing
golf with his boss.
@BY= Anon

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
It's already tomorrow in Australia.
@BY= Anon

Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
@BY= Anon

The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population
is growing.
@BY= Anon

Q:  Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A:  To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
@BY= Murphy's Law

Many are called, few are chosen.  Fewer still get to do the choosing.
@BY=

Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple
yes or no answer.
@BY=

The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
@BY=

It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too good
either if you speak when your head is empty.
@BY=

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
@BY= Murphy's Law

There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before
Saturday.
@BY=

Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side.
@BY=

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity
of your action.
@BY=

Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run.
@BY= The Law of Computers

If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
@BY= The Law of Computers

Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory.
@BY= The Law of Computers

Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer
who must maintain it.
@BY= The Law of Computers

Computing power increases as the square of the cost.
@BY= The Law of Computers

Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
@BY= The Law of Computers

Any system that depends upon human reliability is unreliable.
@BY= The Law of Computers

Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable
errors, which by definition are limited.
@BY= The Law of Computers

Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost
of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.
@BY= The Law of Computers

Not until a program has been in production for six months will will the most
harmful error be discovered.
@BY= The Law of Computers

Job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in improper order
will be.
@BY= The Law of Computers / Murphy's Law

Interchangeable tapes won't.
@BY= The Law of Computers / Murphy's Law

If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious
idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
@BY= The Law of Computers

If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will
malfunction.
@BY= The Law of Computers

Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature,
volume, humidity and other variables, the computer will do as it damn well
pleases.
@BY= The Law of Computers

Every interesting program has at least one variable, one branch, and one
loop... and at least one bug!
@BY= The Law of Computers

There is always one item on the screen menu that is mislabeled and should
read "ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE".
@BY= The Law of Computers

A bad sector disk error occurs only after you've done several hours of work
without performing a backup.
@BY= The Law of Computers

No matter how large and standardized the marketplace is, IBM can redefine it.
@BY= The Law of Computers

At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find
at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
@BY= The Law of Computers

After months of training and you finally understand all of a program's
commands, a revised version of the program arrives with an all-new
command structure.
@BY= The Law of Computers

After designing a useful routine that gets around a familiar bug in the
system, the system is revised, the bug is taken away, and you're left with
a useless routine.
@BY= The Law of Computers

Blessed is he end user who expects nothing, for he/she will not be
disappointed.
@BY= The Law of Computers

Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid embarrassment of estimating
the corresponding costs.
@BY= The Law of Projects

A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than
expected; a carefully planned project takes only twice as long.
@BY= The Law of Projects

Project teams detest progress reporting, because it so vividly manifests
their lack of progress.
@BY= The Law of Projects

If it looks easy, it's tough. if it looks tough, it's damn near impossible.
@BY= The Law of Projects

Adding manpower to a late project makes it later.
@BY= The Law of Projects

The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the
deadline approaches.
@BY= The Law of Projects

Any suffiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
@BY= The Law of Projects

Inspite of all the evidence to the contrary the entire universe is composed of
two basic substances: Magic and Bullshit.

Corollary: There is no magic.....
@BY= The Law of Projects

Things get worse under pressure.
@BY= The Law of Projects

An ounce image is worth a pound of performance.
@BY= The Law of Projects

To estimate the time it takes to do a task: estimate the time you think it
should take, multiply by two and change the unit of measure to the next
highest unit. thus, we allocate two days for a one hour task.
@BY= The Law of Projects

When elderly and distinguished scientists denounce a new idea, it will turn
out to be right.

When the elderly and distinguished scientists rally round the idea, and
proclaim it as a major scientific breakthrough, it will turn out to be wrong
after all.
@BY= The Law of Projects

No major project is ever installed on time, within budjets, with the same
staff that started it.  Yours will not be the first.
@BY= The Law of Projects

Projects progress quickly until they are 90 percent complete, then they
remain 90 precent complete forever.
@BY= The Law of Projects

No system is ever completely debugged.  Attempts to debug a system inevitabily
introduce new bugs that are even harder to find.
@BY= The Law of Projects

THE SIX PHASES OF A PROJECT

1.  Enthusiasm.
2.  Disillusionment.
3.  Panic.
4.  Search for the guilty.
5.  Punishment of the innocent.
6.  Praise and honours for the non-participants.
@BY= The Law of Projects

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

Experience is directly proportional to the quantity of equipment ruined
or destroyed.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

Past experience is always true, never be mislaid by present facts.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

A record of data is essential; it indicates you have been doing something.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

No matter what result is anticipated, someone will always fit facts to it.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

No matter what happens, there is always someone who believes it happened
according to his pet theory.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

That quantity which when added to, subtracted from, divided into or
multiplied by the result obtained experimentally will give the correct
result, is known as a Constant.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

An experiment may be considered successful if no more than half of the data
must be discarded to obtain agreement with your pet theory.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

For neatness, always draw the curves first, and afterwards plot the data.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

No experiment can be considered a failure; it can always be used as a
bad example.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

When all else fails, read the instructions.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

Judgement comes from experience; experience comes from poor judgement.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to
the grand fallacy.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

The accessibility during recovery, of a part which falls from the work
bench varies directly with the size of the part, and inversely with the
importance of the work underway.

1. If the work has to be finished today, the part will roll to the most
   inaccessible part of the room.
2. If it is heavy, it will hit your toe first.
3. You will then find the part by standing on it and destroying it.
4. If the lost part is be the last one then it will be 6 o'clock and the
   shops are shut til Monday.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
just how busy they are.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part
of the problem.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do
and always a clever thing to say.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least
until we've finished building it.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make
it complex and wonderful.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about
the problem.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

Real computer scientists don't comment their code.
The identifiers are so long they can't afford the disk space.
@BY= The Law of Computers

The nice thing about standards is that there are so many different ones
to choose from.
@BY= The Law of Computers

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

It works better if you plug it in.
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

That's not a bug, it's a feature!
@BY= Guidelines for Successful Engineers

When investigating the unknown you do not know what you will find.
@BY=

The five rules of Socialism:

1.     Don't think
2.     If you do think, don't speak
3.     If you think and speak, don't write
4.     If you think, speak and write, don't sign
5.     If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised
@BY=

Pity the poor egg: it only gets laid once
@BY= T-Shirt Saying.

I figure I'm pretty good with the bullshit but I love listening to an
expert. Keep talking.
@BY= T-Shirt Saying.

Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.
@BY=

The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it.
@BY=

When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.
@BY=

Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
@BY=

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
@BY=

Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.
@BY=

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
@BY=

There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting.
@BY=

Power means not having to respond.
@BY=

We should forgive our enemies, but only after they've been taken
out and shot.
@BY=

The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that you've got
it made.
@BY=

I'm not as dumb as you look.
@BY=

How can I love you if you won't lie down?
@BY=

Only those who attempt the absurd can acheive the impossible.
@BY=

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
@BY=

He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.
@BY=

It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.
@BY=

Death  is the greatest kick of all.  That's why they save it for last.
@BY= Anon

I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.
@BY= Anon

Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.
@BY= Anon

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
@BY= Anon

I worship the ground that awaits you.
@BY= Anon

The future isn't what it used to be.
@BY= Anon

Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy.
@BY= Anon

Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?
@BY= Anon

Buerocrats do not change the course of the ship of state.  They
merely adjust the compass.
@BY= Anon

It's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it.
@BY= Anon

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word.
@BY= Anon

Don't think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to
keep a total stranger alive.  It's really a total stranger giving
up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive.
@BY= Anon

Kite fliers keep it up longer.
@BY= Anon

It's not that you and I are so clever,  but that the others are such fools.
@BY= Anon

I'm not cynical. Just experienced.
@BY= Anon

I know you think you understood what I said,  but what you heard
was not what I meant.
@BY= Anon

Bullshit Detector.  When alarm sounds,  please re-engage your brain.
@BY= Anon

The word today is Legs ... Spread the word.
@BY= Anon

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
@BY= Anon

A king's castle is his home.
@BY= Anon

A penny saved is ridiculous.
@BY= Anon

All that glitters has a high refractive index.
@BY= Anon

Ambition a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
@BY= Anon

Anarchy is better that no government at all.
@BY= Anon

Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
@BY= Anon

As you read the scroll, it vanishes...
@BY= Anon

Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
@BY= Anon

Brain -- the apparatus with which we think that we think.
@BY= The Foolish Dictionary.

BATCH - A group, kinda like a herd.
@BY= The Foolish Dictionary.

Computer hackers do it all night long.
@BY= Anon

Computer modelers simulate it first.
@BY= Anon

Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.
@BY= Anon

Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
@BY= Anon

Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
@BY= Anon

Courage is your greatest present need.
@BY= Anon

CLEARASOL - Effective sunspot remover.
@BY= The Foolish Dictionary.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
@BY= Anon

Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
@BY= Anon

Do something unusual today.  Accomplish work on the computer.
@BY= Anon

Documentation is like sex: When it's good, it's fantastic, when
it's bad...
@BY= Anon

Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
@BY= Anon

Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
@BY= Anon

Drive defensively -- buy a tank.
@BY= Anon

Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail friends.
@BY= Anon

Entropy isn't what it used to be.
@BY= Anon

Familiarity breeds children.
@BY= Anon

God didn't create the world in 7 days.  He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.
@BY= Anon

Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
@BY= Anon

He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
@BY= Anon

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
@BY= Anon

Help support helpless victims of computer error.
@BY= Anon

Herblock's Law: if it is good, they will stop making it.
@BY= Anon

I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
@BY= Anon

If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.
@BY= Anon

If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
@BY= Anon

In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds.
@BY= Anon

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
@BY= Albert Einstein

Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
@BY= The Foolish Dictionary.

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
@BY= Anon

Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
@BY= Anon

Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
@BY= Anon

Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
@BY= Anon

Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
@BY= Anon

Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
@BY= Anon

Quoting one is plagiarism.  Quoting many is research.
@BY= Anon

QUARKBAR - the candy with flavour and charm.
@BY= Foolish Dictionary.

QUASIMOTO - 4 wheeled hard-top moped made in France.
@BY= Foolish Dictionary.

Reality's the only obstacle to happiness.
@BY= Anon

Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up.
@BY= Anon

Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
@BY= Anon

SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING.
@BY= Computing

BROADCAST MESSAGE AT 4:45pm
  Brain going down...
               IMMEDIATELY.
@BY= Anon

The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
@BY= Anon

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
@BY= Anon

The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
@BY= Anon

The road to to success is always under construction.
@BY= Anon

Those who can't write, write help files.
@BY= Anon

To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
@BY= Anon

Today is the last day of your life so far.
@BY= Anon

TRAPEZOID - A device for catching zoids.
@BY= The Foolish Dictionary.

Wasting time is an important part of life.
@BY= Anon

I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
@BY= Anon

Time is an illusion.  Lunchtime doubly so.
@BY= Ford Prefect.  'The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy' by Douglas Adams.

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.
@BY= The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams

Before the game our dressing room was like Dunkirk before they went over
the trenches.
@BY= John Sillet (Coventry FC Manager)

They (local authorities) are caught between the deep blue sea of the rates
and the frying-pan of the Poll Tax.
@BY= Tory Backbencher, Radio 4

I was 18 about six years ago - I'm 28 now.
@BY= Frank Bruno, LWT

And now here's Father Raymond Brennan - a priest who has been literally
a father to hundreds of children.
@BY= Anne Diamond, TV-am

England have just scored their second goal from a penalty corner.  This will
add to their first goal.
@BY= Ron Jones, Radio 4

And Clive Norling, running backwards, just like a football referee, looking
forwards to make sure nothing untoward was happening behind him.
@BY= Bill MacLaren, BBC1

I'm a forgotten man in his (Bobby Robson's) mind.
@BY= Glenn Hoddle, Radio 4

After this fight he (Kirkland Lang) can look himself in the face.
@BY= Rod Douglas, BBC1

As long as the ball stays out of play, it's just eating into
Manchester United's hands.
@BY= Mike Ingham, Radio 2

Although he isn't as good as he was two years ago, now he's even better!
@BY= Commentator, Superbowl, Channel 4

We don't condone the looting and violence.  But the police used a water
cannon to put out a lighted match and inflamed the situation.
@BY= Steve Nally, Anti-Poll Tax Federation

You know what they say - don't get mad, get angry...
@BY= Edwina Currie, BBC2

Football today would certainly not to be the same if it had never existed.
@BY= Elton Welsby, ITV

Those are the sort of doors that get opened if you don't close them.
@BY= Terry Venables, ITV

It was so tangible I could almost reach out and touch it.
@BY= Bishop of Bradford, Radio 2

The problem with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius, but with
absolutely no talent.
@BY= Hugh Leonard

German is the most extravagantly ugly language - it sounds like someone using
a sick bag on a 747.
@BY= Willy Rushton

France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the
toilet paper.
@BY= Billy Wilder

From Hamlet to Kierkegaard, the word "Danish" has been synonymous with
fun, fun, fun.
@BY= Tony Hendra

It is not impossible to govern the Italians, it is merely useless.
@BY= Benito Mussolini

Spain - a country that has sold its soul for cement and petrol and can only
be saved by a series of earthquakes.
@BY= Cyril Connolly

If there is no Portuguese word for blarney, there should be.
@BY= Richard West

The Greeks - impoverished descendants of a bunch of la-de-da fruit salads
who invented democracy and then forgot how to use it while walking around
dressed up like girls.
@BY= P J O'Rouke

A Belgian is a hell living on Earth.
@BY= Charles Baudelaire

Continental people have sex lives - the English have hot-water bottles.
@BY= George Mikes

He is without a doubt the greatest sweeper in the world.  I'd say,
at a guess.
@BY= Ron Atkinson, ITV  (World Cup 1990)

Haji has been probably the best player on the field without any question.
@BY= Bobby Charlton, BBC2  (World Cup 1990)

The ball sounds hollow to me.
@BY= Jimmy Greaves, ITV  (World Cup 1990)

Czechoslovakia ahead a goal to nil - that's a win if it stays that way.
@BY= Commentator, BBC2  (World Cup 1990)

A semi-final is, as we all know, a semi-final - it's the old cliche.
@BY= Terry Neill, Capitol Gold  (World Cup 1990)

There's no such thing as an easier route, but it's an easier route.
@BY= Bobby Robson, BBC1  (World Cup 1990)

And they've visibly grown in stature - even the 5ft 6in Ramirez.
@BY= Alan Parry, ITV  (World Cup 1990)

He (Van Basten) was lucky to not avoid getting sent off.
@BY= Trevor Francis  (World Cup 1990)

At 34 nobody will feel the heat more than him.
@BY= Commentator, ITV  (World Cup 1990)

All the argentinians swarmed around him - most of all Maradona.
@BY= Brian Moore, ITV   (World Cup 1990)

Because there is such a big difference in  times, the matches will be
recorded and shown either before or afterwards.
@BY= Ian Fisher, Radio Bahrain  (World Cup 1990)

Brain Moore: "...the whistle's gone, Ray Houghton clearly 4 or 5 yards offside"
Ron Atkinson:"Yes, but for me that's when Houghton is at his most dangerous."
@BY= England v Eire, BBC1  (World Cup 1990)

There are two ways of getting the ball - one way is from your own players,
and that's the only way.
@BY= Terry Venables, BBC TV  (World Cup 1990)

That ball was glued to his right foot, all the way to the back of the net.
@BY= Alan Parry, ITV  (World Cup 1990)

This night of disappointment has been brought to you by ITV and
National Power.
@BY= Brian Moore, ITV  (World Cup 1990)

Gerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
helmet off.
@ONELINERS= Lyndon Johnson

Washington could not tell a lie;  Nixon could not tell the truth;
Reagan could not tell the difference.
@ONELINERS= Mort Sahl

I would not want Jimmy Carter and his men put in charge of snake control
in Ireland.
@ONELINERS= Eugene McCarthy

Lyndon Johnson's strategy is too slick to talk about and so subtle that
only a few fellow con men appreciate it.
@ONELINERS= I F Stone

Do you realise the responsibility I carry?  I'm the only person standing
between Richard Nixon anf the White House.
@ONELINERS= John F Kennedy

If I talk over people's heads, Ike must talk under their feet.
@ONELINERS= Adlai Stevenson on Dwight D Eisenhower

How can they tell?
@ONELINERS= Dorothy Parker on hearing Clavin Coolidge was dead

We've got the kind of president who thinks arms control means some kind
of deodorant.
@ONELINERS= Pat Schroeder on Ronald Reagan

Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America.
Now he's unknown throughout the world.
@ONELINERS= Anon

He told us he was going to take crime out of the streets.  He did.
He took it into the damn White House.
@ONELINERS= Ralph Abernathy on Richard Nixon

Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
@GENERAL= Humphrey Bogart, in Casablanca

Marry me, Emily, and I'll never look at any other horse.
@ONELINERS= Groucho Marx, in A Day at the Races

Oh, Jerry, don't let's ask for the moon, we have the stars.
@ONELINERS= Bette Davis, in Now Voyager

I now pronounce you men and wives.
@ONELINERS= Ian Wolfe, in Seven Brides for Seven Brothers

He didn't drop the bat.  It fell out of his hand.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Ray Illingworth, BBC

Mansell, Senna, Prost.  Put them in any order and you end up with the
same three drivers.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Derek Warwick, LBC

Top scorer so far is Watkinson with his 50 or Atherton with his 40.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Brian Johnston, Radio 3

In many ways this is Allan Lamb.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Tom Graveney, BBC 2

That's another nail in what looks like being a very good score.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jack Bannister, BBC 2

'Handipaks' of screws always contain too few or too many for the job.
@LAWS= Laws of DIY

Paint never looks the same on the wall as it does on the colour chart.
@LAWS= Laws of DIY

Wallpaper is an animate object.
@LAWS= Laws of DIY

If you have the right-sized washer, you have the wrong-sized spanner to
unscrew the tap, and visa versa.
@LAWS= Laws of DIY

Swearing increases in inverse proportion to the amount of work completed.
@LAWS= Laws of DIY

All jobs require at least one extra visit to the DIY centre.
@LAWS= Laws of DIY

Few people ever fully recover from sanding wooden floors.
@LAWS= Laws of DIY

There is no job so small that it can't be made longer by listening
to advice.
@LAWS= Laws of DIY

'Like putty in your hands' takes on a new and depressing meaning.
@LAWS= Laws of DIY

The only easy part of wallpapering is lining draws with the roll which
is always left over.
@LAWS= Laws of DIY

Money wont but you happiness, but it will pay the salary of a large
research staff to study the problem.
@ONELINERS= Bill Vaughan

If Michael and Carol haven't got it, it must be pretty difficult, so if
you haven't got it at home, well done.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Richard Whitely, Countdown, C4

I ran into Billy Idol at a soiree this morning.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Steve Wright, Radio 1

The temperature has shot up a little bit.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Peter Alliss, BBC TV

... and Dickie Bird standing there with his neck between his shoulders.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Brian Johnston, Radio 2

And the gap, which was just under five seconds, is now just over four.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Murray Walker, BBC2

Why is there always one teaspoon left in the bowl after you've done the
washing-up?
@GENERAL= Why, oh, why?

Why does grass smell only when you mow it?
@GENERAL= Why, oh, why?

Why is there always a coffee stain on page 63 of your library book?
@GENERAL= Why, oh, why?

Why can you never buy a bottle of shampoo without 25 percent extra in it?
@GENERAL= Why, oh, why?

Why is there no heating outside, where it's really cold?
@GENERAL= Why, oh, why?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
@GENERAL= Why, oh, why?

Why did Shakespeare use so many famous quotations in his work?
@GENERAL= Why, oh, why?

Why does a ringing telephone take precedence over everything else in the
known universe?
@GENERAL= Why, oh, why?

Why do floorboards creak only after midnight?
@GENERAL= Why, oh, why?

Why do butterflies lives for such a short time, when eating cabbage is
supposed to be so healthy?
@GENERAL= Why, oh, why?

The big difference between UNIX and VMS:
To do anything on UNIX, you need to know an obscure command.
To do anything on VMS, you need to know an obscure option to SET.
@COMPUTERS=

Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific.  It is IN the
pacific.  It is a part of the United States that is an island that is
right here.
@POLITICS= Vice President Dan Quayle's Adventures In Hawaii, Sept. 1989

God is real unless decared integer.
@COMPUTERS= Allen W. Sherzer

What urge will save us now that sex won't.
@SEX= Jenny Holzer, word artist

File names are infinite in length where infinity is set to 255 characters.
@COMPUTERS= Peter Collinson, "The Unix File System"

Speaking on the fans of "The Simpsons":
I have this comic strip calles 'Life In Hell', which runs in 200 newspapers,
and I get alot of fan mail from generally articulate, literate people.
And now I walk down the street and I see people wearing Simpsons T shirts
who I'm afraid might beat me up, so the quality of fans has broadened.
The people who are my fans now frighten me.
@GENERAL= Matt Groening, creator of "The Simpsons"

This is a one line proof...if we start sufficiently far to the left.
@ONELINERS=

I don't practice what I preach, because I'm not the kind of person I'm
preaching to.
@ONELINERS= Bob Dobbs

The documentation for this program is obvious, therefore it is left as an
exercise for the grader.
@COMPUTERS= ([e-mail])

COBOL is not dead, it just smells that way.
@COMPUTERS= ([e-mail])

Hmmm... Equality is bad for the country?  Well, at least we know where you
stand now.  I also remember a lot of your ilk saying things about how the
ERA was going to require unisex bathrooms.  Equality is not the same as
identical.  If you can't get that straight, you're going to have a lot of
trouble programming in C.
@COMPUTERS= ([e-mail])

In Communism's central planning, citizens are told "You will make widgets".
In Capitalism's advertising, citizens are told "You will buy widgets".
@POLITICS= ([e-mail])

UNIX: It's a nice place to live, but you wouldn't want to visit there.
@COMPUTERS=

A project can not be considered complete until the total height of the
viewgraphs produced exceeds the height of the shortest PI.
@GENERAL= Robert Metzger, scientist and author

It's not that simple, no matter how you wish it so.  You made public
statements from a position of false authority;  now you're having them
shoved down your throat.  Welcome to netnews.
@COMPUTERS= Thomas Maddox

"Here's on for you.  What's an 8 letter word for 'Love?'"
"Moisture"
@SEX= From the ABC series "Doctor Doctor"

"Never know on Death's door.  Ring the bell and run away.  Death really
 hates that"
@ONELINERS= From the ABC series "Doctor Doctor"

Courage is the willingness of a person to stand up for his beliefs in the
face of great odds.  Chutzpah is doing the same thing wearing a Mickey
Mouse hat.
@GENERAL=

Real programmers are a figment of the imagination.
@COMPUTERS=

Real programmers detest candy-ass architects.  Candy-ass architects won't
allow Execute instructions to address another execute.  Real programmers
despise petty restrictions.
@COMPUTERS=

Real programmers disdain structures programming.  Structures programming
is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet trained.  They
wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clean
desk.
@COMPUTERS=

Real programmers don't believe in schedules.  Planners make up schedules.
Managers firm up schedules.  Frightened coders strive to meet schedules.
Real programmers ignore schedules.
@COMPUTERS=

Real programmers don't bring paper bag lunches.  If the vending machine
sells it, they eat it.  If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't
eat it.  Vending machines don't sell quiche.
@COMPUTERS=

Real programmers don't comment their code.  If it was hard to write, it
should be hard to understand.
@COMPUTERS=

Real programmers don't document.  Documentation is for simps who can't
read the listings oof the object deck.
@COMPUTERS=

Real programmers don't draw flowcharts.  Cavemen drew flowcharts,
and look how much good it did them.
@COMPUTERS=

Real programmers don't drive cars, or any other complicated mechanical
contrivance.  Walking or bicycling are okay.  If a real programmer's
bicycle breaks down he has a technicial fix it.
@COMPUTERS=

Real programmers don't write applications programs, they program right
down to the BARE METAL.  Applications programming is for feebs who can't
do systems programming.
@COMPUTERS=

Real programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can be
written in one line.
@COMPUTERS=

Real programmers don't write in BASIC.  Actually no programmers write in
BASIC after the age of twelve.
@COMPUTERS=

Real programmers don't write in COBOL.  COBOL is for wimpy applications
programmers.
@COMPUTERS=

Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN.  FORTRAN is for pipe stress
freaks and crystallography weenies.
@COMPUTERS=

Real programmers don't write in LISP.  Only dweeb programs contain more
parentheses than actual code.
@COMPUTERS=

real programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of these
pinky computer science languages.  Strong typing is for people with weak
memories.
@COMPUTERS=

Real programmers don't write in PL/I.  PL/I is for gutless people who
can't decide whether they want COBOL or FORTRAN.
@COMPUTERS=

Real programmers don't write specs - users should consider themselves
lucky to get any programs at all, and take what they get.
@COMPUTERS=

Real programmers have no use for managers.  Managers are a necessary evil.
They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior
planners, and other mental defectives.
@COMPUTERS=

Real programmers like vending machine popcorn.  Coders pop it in the
microwave oven.  Real programmers use the heat from the CPU.  They can
tell which jobs are running from the rate of popping.
@COMPUTERS=

Real programmers never grow old.  They suffer from burnouts, monumental
crashes, or bugs in their DNA.
@COMPUTERS=

Real programmers scorn floating point arithmetic.  The decimal point was
invented for pansy bed-wetters who are unable to think big.
@COMPUTERS=

The Algol compiler used at Case Institute of Technology, after finding
25 errors in the source (eg. like you spelt BEGIN as BEGNI), would print
  "At this point, we suggest you try re-reading the manual."
@COMPUTERS=

Programming by Monte Carlo methods is frowned upon.
@COMPUTERS=

Installing unix fixes the [VMS] bug.
@COMPUTERS=

If we can't fix it, it isn't broken.
@COMPUTERS=

Never test for a bug you don't know how to fix.
@COMPUTERS=

A feature is a bug with seniority.
@COMPUTERS=

The proper basis for marriage is a mutual misunderstanding.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

There's nothing in the world like the devotion of a married women;
it's the thing no married man knows anything about.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

Modern women understand everything except their husbands.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious;
both are disappointed.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Wilde

1. Next door's firework display is always better.
@LAWS= Laws of Bonfire Night

2. The catherine wheel if guaranteed to fly off the tree.
3. If it doesn't, it spins once and then gets stuck.
@LAWS= Laws of Bonfire Night

4. The firework you save till the end is a big disappointment.
@LAWS= Laws of Bonfire Night

5. The fire fizzles out before you've had time to serve the
   baked potatoes.
@LAWS= Laws of Bonfire Night

6. The milk bottle falls over just as the biggest rocket is about
   to take off.
@LAWS= Laws of Bonfire Night

7. Boys want to light bangers, but end up holding sparklers.
@LAWS= Laws of Bonfire Night

8. Someone loses a filling in a toffee apple.
@LAWS= Laws of Bonfire Night

9. Your lawn is never the same again.
@LAWS= Laws of Bonfire Night

10. Everyone agrees it was a total waste of money.
@LAWS= Laws of Bonfire Night

Ayatollah Khomeini will one day be viewed as some kind of a saint.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Andrew Young, 1976

In all likelihood, world inflation is over.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Per Jacobsson, Director of the IMF, 1959

Read my lips - no new taxes.
@FOOTINMOUTH= George Bush, 1988

No woman in my time will be Prime Minister or Foreign Secretary, not the
top jobs - anyway, I wouldn't want to be Prime Minister.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Margaret Thatcher, 1969

Iran is an island of stability in one of the most volatile parts of
the world.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jimmy Carter, 1977

Anyone who looks for a source of power in the transformation of the atom
is talking moonshine.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Sir Ernest Rutherford, 1933

Let us begin by commiting ourselves to the truth, to see it like it is and
to tell it like it is, to find the truth, to speak the truth and to live
with the truth.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Richard Nixon, 1968

This picture is going to be one of the biggest white elephants of all time.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Victor Fleming, director of Gone With the Wind, 1939

We believe that a centre party would have no roots, no principles,
no philosophy and no values.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Shirley Williams, 1980

Before losing a Test series 3-0 to the West indies:
We will make them grovel.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Tony Greig, 1976

You've got to be cruel to be cruel.
@ONELINERS= Mark Burton

She looked like her face was set on fire, and put out with a cricket bat.
@ONELINERS= Ex-Wooltonian (Manchester)

It's a good job I'm not colour blind because both teams are playing in
black and white.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Harry Gration, Radio 5

Your ambition, is that right - to abseil across the Channel?
@FOOTINMOUTH= Cilla Black, ITV

We've got some good players and so have they - that's the difference.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Australian Rugby Official, BBC1

It was a game of three halves.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Steve Davies, BBC1

There's one that hasn't been cancelled because of the Arctic conditions
- it's been cancelled because of a frozen pitch.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Bob Wilson, BBC1

The length of the war depends on how long it might be.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jonathan Dimbleby, BBC1

Saddam Hussein may still have Scud missiles up his sleeve.
That could be his last throw of the dice further down the road.
@FOOTINMOUTH= "Crossfire", Grampian TV

It was unexpexted because it happened at a time when we didn't
think it would.
@FOOTINMOUTH= British Commander in the Gulf

This is an unprecedented incident but we do know it has happened before.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Brig-Gen Pat Foote, Radio 4

Simon Bates: So what do you do?
Soldier:     I'm an electrician.
Simon Bates: So what's that in layman's terms?
@FOOTINMOUTH= Radio 1

And today will go down in history as January 17 1991.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Classic Gold Radio (Pennine)

On Iraqi offer to withdraw:
A bogus sham!
@FOOTINMOUTH= John Major

The pilots described it as a turkey shoot because the Iraqis
were sitting ducks.
@FOOTINMOUTH= News Presenter, GLR

I'm not saying that the Ministry of Defence in London does not have the
whole picture of what is going on, but they only have a partial one.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Sir David Steel, Radio 4

This is not a news blackout, I just can't tell you anything.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Air Force Spokesman, Times

That was a strategic target, which I prefer to call a strategic target.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Vice Admiral Lautenbacher, BBC1

We seem to have unleashed a hornets nest.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Valerie Singleton, Radio 4

The other car collided with mine, without giving warning of it's intentions.
@ONELINERS= Motor Insurance Claim

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my hand
through it.
@ONELINERS= Motor Insurance Claim

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
@ONELINERS= Motor Insurance Claim

A truck backed through my windscreen into my wife's face.
@ONELINERS= Motor Insurance Claim

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
@ONELINERS= Motor Insurance Claim

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
@ONELINERS= Motor Insurance Claim

I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my universal
joinys gave way, causing me to have an accident.
@ONELINERS= Motor Insurance Claim

As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared to stop
in time to avoid the accident.
@ONELINERS= Motor Insurance Claim

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
@ONELINERS= Motor Insurance Claim

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
@ONELINERS= Motor Insurance Claim

An invisible car came out of nowhere, stuck my car and vanished.
@ONELINERS= Motor Insurance Claim

I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side of the
street when I struck him.
@ONELINERS= Motor Insurance Claim

I was thrown from my car as it left the road.  I was later found in a
ditch by some stray cows.
@ONELINERS= Motor Insurance Claim

The telephone pole was approaching fast, I attempted to swerve out of
it's way, when it struck the front of my car.
@ONELINERS= Motor Insurance Claim

I hit a bus stop sign which was obscured by people.
@ONELINERS= Motor Insurance Claim

The gentleman behing me struck me on the backside.  He then went to rest
in the bush with just his rear end showing.
@ONELINERS= Motor Insurance Claim

When I saw that I could not avoid collision, I stepped on the accelerator
and subsequently crashed into the other car.
@ONELINERS= Motor Insurance Claim

The accident happened when the right front door of a car came around the
corner without giving any signal.
@ONELINERS= Motor Insurance Claim

The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid
by steering it into the other vehicle.
@ONELINERS= Motor Insurance Claim

I had been learning to drive with power steering, I turned the wheel to
what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going
in the opposite direction.
@ONELINERS= Motor Insurance Claim

King's Cross is an area where terrible things happen to people,
to buildings, to cars, to trains, usually while you wait,
and if you weren't careful you could easily end up involved in a
challenging dialogue yourself.
@GENERAL= Douglas Adams, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

About King's Cross Station:
You could have a cheap car radio fitted while you waited, and if you turned
your back for a couple of minutes, it would be removed while you waited
as well.
@GENERAL= Douglas Adams, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

Other things you could have removed while you waited were your wallet,
your stomach lining, your mind and your will to live.  The muggers and
pushers and pimps and hamburger salesmen, in no particular order, could
arrange these things for you.
@GENERAL= Douglas Adams, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

Davies: And what do you do for a living?
Listener: I'm a freelance writer.
Davies: Really?  Who do you work for?
Listener: Er... Myself.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Gary Davies, Radio 1

I like dolphins.  If dolphins were human, I'd be a dolphin.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jason Donovan

It's as if there's a laser beam in his chest attracting the ball.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Jimmy Hill, BBC1

Some songs were released one year and in the charts the next,
and visa versa.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Mike Read, Radio 1

...and tonight we have the added ingredient of Kenny Dalglish
not being here.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Martin Tyler, Sky

Marraige is a good deal like taking a hot bath -
not so hot once you get used to it.
@ONELINERS= Bill Lawrence

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men
for the attention of one.
@ONELINERS= Helen Rowland

All marriages are happy - it's the living together afterwards
that causes all the trouble.
@ONELINERS= Raymond Hull

Marriage is a triumph of habit over hate.
@ONELINERS= Oscar Levant

The most labour-saving device today is still a husband with money.
@ONELINERS= Joey Adams

Marriage is a lot like the army -
everyone complains but you'd be surprised
by the large number that re-enlist.
@ONELINERS= James Garner

Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
@ONELINERS= J P McEvoy

Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of
beer to his taste, he should at once throw up his job and go to work
in the brewery.
@ONELINERS= George Nathan

Marriage demands the greatest understanding of the art of insincerity
possible between two human beings.
@ONELINERS= Vicki Baum

And 1st division Luton have haunted themselves with their own play.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Tony Gubba, BBC1

They've pinpointed a date for the concert
-- it's something between June and September.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Simon Bates, Radio 1

We're both agreed - we'll do the programme from Bogota, Columbia,
when New Kids are on the Block there...
@FOOTINMOUTH= Simon Bates, Radio 1

And again the game's turned round on it's head.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Trevor Brooking, BBC1

So nip up to the loft and check out your old singles to see if
there are any that were played a lot on the radio, but you never
got around to buying.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Gary King, Radio 1

A scrum to Ireland, who have their tails up right under the Welsh crossbar.
@FOOTINMOUTH= Rugby commentator, Radio 5

If Everton were playing down at the bottom of my garden,
I'd draw the curtains.
@SPORT= Bill Shankly

About Martina Navratilova:
It's hard playing against a man.
@SPORT= Hana Mandlikova

On Leighton James:
You're very deceptive, son, you're even slower than you look.
@SPORT= Tommy Docherty

Ted Dexter is to journalism what Danny La Rue is to rugby league.
@ONELINERS= Michael Parkinson

Frazier is so ugly he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wildlife.
@SPORT= Muhammad Ali

The only time our girls looked good at the Munich Olympics was in the
village discotheque between 9 and 11 every night.
@SPORT= US Coach

He had done as much for the image of our sport as Cyril Smith would
for handgliding.
@SPORT= Reg Bowden on Eddie Waring

Billie-Jean King's father put her into tennis to stop her
being a women wrestler.
@SPORT= Jim Murray

I thought he was one of the human race - but he is not.
@SPORT= Alain Prost on Ayrton Senna

I've seen him shadow boxing and the shadow won.
@SPORT= Muhammad Ali on George Foreman

1. At least five buses go by in the opposite direction before
   yours arrives.
@LAWS= Laws of bus travel

2. The one day you have the exact fare is the day it goes up.
@LAWS= Laws of bus travel

3. If you hail a taxi, your bus trundles into view just as you get in.
@LAWS= Laws of bus travel

4. If you're at the front of the queue, the driver comes to a halt
   at the back.
@LAWS= Laws of bus travel

5. The more crowded the bus, the more likely you'll be carrying
   a newly bought duvet.
@LAWS= Laws of bus travel

6. The stationary bus you've run for won't move for 15 minutes.
@LAWS= Laws of bus travel

7. Buses turn up within seconds of your lighting a cigarette.
@LAWS= Laws of bus travel

8. It's still a mystery why three turn up at once.
@LAWS= Laws of bus travel

9. Nobody ever gives up their seat for you.
@LAWS= Laws of bus travel

10.If you start to walk, a bus appears when you are exactly
   halfway between stops.
@LAWS= Laws of bus travel

Two of the worst things we teach our children are that a knowledge
of science is nice but not necessary, and a knowledge of sex is
necessary but not nice.
@SEX=

No one gossips about other people's secret virtues.
@ONELINERS= Bertrand Russell

A gossip is a person with a keen sense of humour.
@ONELINERS= Eleanor Duan

Hating anything in the way of ill-natured gossip ourselves,
we are always grateful to those who do it for us and do it well.
@ONELINERS= Saki

A good gossip is a wonderful tonic.
@ONELINERS= The Queen

She always tells stories in the present vindictive.
@ONELINERS= Tom Pearce

There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of
what the neighbours will say.
@ONELINERS= Cyril Connolly

When gossip grows old it becomes myth.
@ONELINERS= Stanislaw Lec

Love means never having to say you're sorry.
@ONELINERS= Ryan O'Neal

Love is like the measles - you only get it once and the older you are,
the tougher it gets.
@ONELINERS= Howard Keel in Seven Brides for Seven Brothers

Love is a romantic designation for a most ordinary biological -
or, shall we say, chemical - process.
@ONELINERS= Greta Garbo in Ninotchka

I love him because he's the kind of guy who gets drunk on buttermilk.
@ONELINERS= Barbara Stanwyck in Ball of Fire

Love is a miracle.  It's like a birthmark - you can't hide it.
@ONELINERS= George Segal in Blume in Love

Maybe love is like luck - you have to go all the way to find it.
@ONELINERS= Robert Mitchum in Out of the Past

Send roses to room 424 and put "Emily, I love you" on the back of the bill.
@ONELINERS= Groucho Marx in A Night in Casablanca

Love is for the very young.
@ONELINERS= Kirk Douglas in The Bad and The Beautiful

You don't know what love means.  To you, it's just another
four-letter word.
@ONELINERS= Paul Newman in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

Love isn't something you can put on or take off like an overcoat.
@ONELINERS= Arthur Kennedy in Champion

If only God would give me some clear sign - like making a large deposit
in my name in a Swiss bank.
@ONELINERS= Woody Allen

God is dead, but 50,000 social workers have risen to take His place.
@ONELINERS= Dr J D McCoughey

God seems to have left the receiver off the hook and time is running out.
@ONELINERS= Arthur Koestler

In the beginning was the word - it's about the only sentence on which I
find myself in total agreement with God.
@ONELINERS= John Mortimer

Religion is the tendency to prefer God to the government, most commonly
found in Communist countries.
@ONELINERS= Miles Kington

The English are probably the most tolerant,
least religious people on earth.
@ONELINERS= Rabbi David Goldberg

I do benefits for all religions -
I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
@ONELINERS= Bob Hope

A cult is a religion with no political power.
@RELIGION= Tom Wolfe

Jesus Christ was not a conservative, that's a racing certainty.
@ONELINERS= Eric Heffer

God is alive - he just doesn't want to get involved.
@ONELINERS= Anon

When I was a young man, the Dead Sea was still alive.
@ONELINERS= George Burns

Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be,
I always forgot to include myself.
@ONELINERS= George Burns

I have my 87th birthday coming up and people ask what I'd most
appreciate getting.  I'll tell you: a paternity suit.
@ONELINERS= George Burns

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.
@ONELINERS= George Burns

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day -
at my I age I have to hold onto something.
@ONELINERS= George Burns

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country
are too busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair.
@ONELINERS= George Burns

Retirement at 65 is ridiculous.  When I was 65 I still had pimples.
@ONELINERS= George Burns

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded.
Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the 13th or 14th.
@ONELINERS= George Burns