NetNews Usenet Archive 1993 #3/NN_1993_3.iso/spool/soc/singles/37461

Internet Message Format | 1993-01-22 | 6.8 KB

Path: sparky!uunet!maserati!zx!danb
From: [e-mail] (Daniel Benbenisty)
Newsgroups: soc.singles
Subject: Re: Credibility...
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 21 Jan 93 21:48:48 GMT
References: <[e-mail]> <[e-mail]> <[e-mail]>
Sender: [e-mail]
Organization: Quality Software Products, LA, CA
Lines: 126

In article <[e-mail]> [e-mail] (Edward V. Wright) writes:
>In <[e-mail]> [e-mail] (Daniel Benbenisty) writes:
>
>>All I have to is find one person who is happier doing something else
>>than being in a relationship (evidenced by being forced to choose
>>in favor of the 'something else'), to contract your broadband bullshit:
                    ^^^^^^^ oops
>
>I don't believe the fact you chose something proves it made you
>happier than the alternative, but go ahead....

I'll provide whatever evidence you require.  The fact is, I am happier.
Long-considered and continuously affirmed choice with sound mind (i.e. I
considered this course of action many months, I could have gone back to her
for a while after I broke up, and I STILL wouldn't go back to her, and have
not tried to!) is pretty good evidence that such a choice provided greater
personal happiness than the alternative.  Can you think of a counter example?

>>I simply could not spend the time with her that she needed in a
>>relationship, and still have time for my work+commutes (45 hrs/wk)...,
>>various chores and errands (5 hrs/wk), and being alone for a bit and
>>relaxing with a book or TV (10 hrs/wk).
>
>So, you chose commuting, household chores, and sitting in front
>of the TV, by yourself, watching Gilligan's Island, in place of
>this sensitive, wonderful woman because it made you happier.
>
>Everyone who believes that, raise your right hand.

You think commuting to work is unnecessary?  What do you want me to
do about earning money?  I'd be less happy on welfare - plus I wouldn't
be able to afford my apartment or rehearsal space!

And how about laundry - that takes 2+ hours to haul all my shit to
the laundrymat, wash and dry it, and haul back.  Of course, I get in
a little good reading while I'm there(:)).  Cooking and washing
dishes, vacuuming, etc. - I don't think 5 hours in a bad estimate
for some necessary upkeep.  Otherwise my place would look like the
way you've described YOUR pad - and then no one would want to go
out with me (much less get in smell-range of my clothes) anyway!

And who said anything about "Gilligan's Island?"  More like "Taxi" twice
or thrice a week for some laughs, and some good SF, science magazines,
or classic literature for the remainder of the hours.

Personal time is fairly important.  When I'm deprived of my requirement,
I get pretty wigged.  10 hours a week is not much time for some vital
laughs and free-form mental stimulation.  Yes, ONE of the reasons I was
not happy in my relationship was that I often did not have this time to
myself.  The other reasons included not having enough time for my band
during some weeks.  Is this actually beyond your understanding?

Another factor was the unpredictability of my relationship time.  Most
lives (especially mine) do not run like Il Duce's trains.  SHE was busy
sometimes when I was free, and I was busy when she was free.  With this
inefficiency factor, you can just about throw away those extra 2 hours,
(actually about 5 hours!) What are we at now?  Negative three hours
for a relationship? Also, I couldn't predict to the exact minute when she
might have wanted to call me because she needed me that day (or week!).
Often when she called, I was on my way to doing something else, like
rehearsal, and found myself balancing sensitivity and love against the
rest of my life falling apart at its (rather tight) seams.  It made me
feel absolutely terrible - like I had to either hurt the one I loved or
give up band I love (writing for, managing, and playing in a band is an
all or nothing proposition, like most other jobs).

The above phone call scenario was just a microcosm.  We'd run into lots
of problems just trying to schedule time (I'm busy this day, but you're
busy that day, etc.).  It was very difficult and painful - and no better
than I could expect out of ANY relationship!

Unless you've been in a deep relationship while being VERY busy with other
things in your life, I don't know if you can relate to this - just take
my word for it (and the word of anyone who can relate).

I'm know from experience and talking to people that this is common.

>>Now, she's a good non-romantic friend of mine.  We still give each
>>other emotional support when we need it.  She comes to some of my
>>gigs, and I go to her plays.  We'll probably be going sailing this
>>weekend or the next :)!
>
>Which must come to more than the "2 hours a week" you spent
>with her before you "gave up" your romantic relationship.
>Doesn't sound to me like you've given up much at all.  Gosh,
>I wish I could find a "non-romantic" friend like that!

Really, your powers of calculation are impressive.  You even don't need
the required initial data to arrive at a resultant figure (>2 hours).
For your much need information, I've seen her maybe 4 times in the year
since we've broken up (dinner, gig, play, movie, etc.) - say, 16 total
hours, and talked to her on the phone a dozen times 1/2 hour each, for a total
yearly figure of 22 hours.  This comes out to less than 1/2 hour per week.

During the relationship, I actually spent 10-20 hours per week with her
(not counting sleeping).  In addition, we took vacations occasionally.
When you add in the "inefficiency factor," this was much to the demise
of my band, and my friendships on some weeks.  My work and time to
myself suffered on other weeks.  I suffered every week.

OK?

>>So, please dispense with calling EVERY single person unhappy, and
>>calling them liars when they beg to differ.
>
>There's a big difference between someone who is happy despite
>being single and someone who is happy being single.  Saying
>you're "happy being single" is about as credible as saying
>you're "happy having cancer."

You're going to have to backpedal (you want me to quote your earlier
statements?) a lot further than that to be credible yourself.

I am claiming that I am happy being single.  I ACTIVELY CHOOSE THIS
STATE OVER A GOOD RELATIONSHIP, because I was unwilling to sacrifice
enough of the other "happy-making" stuff in my life.  I am at a point
in my life where it is CRUCIAL to my happiness to accomplish certain
things, and I cannot accomplish these things while having a relationship.
I'm pretty darn happy with my life right now, I do not want to change it.

There are millions like me, I'm sure.  I know a couple myself.

And in case you missed it, I'm happy!

>>>===Pan-Handle-Dan===>    [e-mail]
Daniel Benbenisty        Guitarist for EARWURM