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- From: rrizzo@BBN.COM (Ron Rizzo)
- Newsgroups: soc.motss
- Subject: Ruinsbury, Compleat
- Summary: long, rather, not to mention tendentious
- Message-ID: <lmejcbINNei1@news.bbn.com>
- Date: 28 Jan 93 03:05:47 GMT
- Reply-To: rrizzo@BBN.COM (Ron Rizzo)
- Organization: Bolt Beranek and Newman Inc., Cambridge MA
- Lines: 3186
- NNTP-Posting-Host: archive.bbn.com
-
-
- Folks,
-
- Ditto Ruinsbury. Here are all 32 installments, my testament to
- soc.motss (I hereby bequeath......;^) ).
-
- If I am laid off tomorrow or Friday, then the band of political
- animals in my head wish you all a very gay 90s!
-
- Regards,
- Ron Rizzo
-
- ************************* Incision here. *****************************
-
-
-
- JERK IN PROGRESS: "RUINSBURY"
-
- by Elliott Levesque (pseud.)
-
-
- Our shame knows no limits. We now offer an alternative version of that
- alternative strip, "Doonesbury" by Gary Trudeau, sans visuals. Think
- of "Ruinsbury" as the verbal DTs of a yuppie pauper turned frustrated
- pulp novelist. M. Levesque fumbled the first "strip" below by mistakenly
- assuming John Sununu was Finnish-American. He currently lies prostrate
- between two large magnets in electronic detox. We fully expect further
- installments of "Ruinsbury" to appear upon the author's speedy recovery.
-
- Ron Rizzo
- Exclusive agent for Elliott Levesque Productions
-
-
- "There are facts, truths, metatruths, and truly outrageous propositions."
-
-
-
- **********************************************************************
-
-
-
- [My apologies for any offense given below to Finns or Finnish North
- Americans. I made some attempt to reduce the invidious references
- to a still little-known nationality. If I were completely sincere,
- I suppose I wouldn't have used any. But I just couldn't resist. So
- color me bigot and sleaze for hyperborean climes. There must be a
- special purgatory for (pseudo-)humorists. --Ron Rizzo]
-
-
- RUINSBURY 1 by Elliot Levesque
-
- "Sisu* by Sununu*"
-
- [The starred items have footnotes.]
-
-
- Panel
- No.
- -----
-
- 1 [Late December. A view of a White House bay nestled between
- foliage with a snowy lawn in front, as seen perhaps from
- the sidewalk through the wrought-iron fence.]
-
- 2 [A pack of naked middle-aged men scamper between the bushes
- whacking each other with birch branches.]
-
- 3 [A view of a White House bay nestled between foliage with a
- snowy lawn in front, as seen perhaps from the sidewalk through
- the wrought-iron fence.]
-
- 4 [The Oval Office: Sitting in an armchair, Mr P gazes out the
- window at the lawn. Chestnuts roast on the fireplace to his left;
- 2 pairs of gaily embroidered stockings hang from the mantle. Mr
- P To Be stands in the middle of the floor, quietly observing him.]
-
- 5 Mr P: Those old fools are heading toward the Potomac! John hasn't
- even finished the sauna yet.
- Mr P To Be: The cabinet wanted a practice run. The project's roused
- memories, Mr P, of youthful vigor, fraternity pledges, L Street
- Brownies, the Bohemian Grove....
-
- 6 Mr P: ....Skull & Bones. Damn! I had a regiment of secret service
- men cordon off the reflecting pool.
- Mr P To Be: Why, those beefy guys don't mind the cold!
-
- 7 [Mr P casts Mr P To Be a baleful glance. Then:]
-
- 8 Mr P: Could you tell John to stop dropping gobs of reindeer blubber*
- into our morning decaf? I'm all for learning about other cultures,
- but it's very upsetting to Nancy.
- Mr P To Be: I'll talk to him Mr P. [Chuckle!] It's a little like
- barbequeing ol' St. Nick!
-
- 9 Mr P [sharply, if that's possible]: George! Don't invoke demons in
- the Oval Office. It'll bring bad luck.
- Mr P To Be: Gee, sorry, boss.
-
-
- FOOTNOTES
-
- *Roughly translated as "tenacity" or "perseverance", sisu is regarded by
- Finns and others as Finland's characteristic virtue.
-
- *John Sununu, Republican governor of New Hampshire, is Assistant
- Professor of Mechanical Engineering at Tufts University in Medford,
- MA. and is Finnish-American. He has a reputation as a "moderate
- conservative", a skillful politician, and a talented administrator.
- He's also gained notoriety for his vehement support of the Seabrook
- nuclear power plant. And he has willingly signed anti-gay legislation
- into law, though to my knowledge he's never resorted to overt homophobia
- in his politicking, unlike many of his colleagues in the GOP and the
- Granite State.
-
- *In northern Finland, many Finns have adopted the Lapp custom of taking
- reindeer fat with their coffee.
-
-
- ***********************************************************************
-
-
- RETRACTION
-
- I hereby retract the ethnic attribution that the irreal John Sununu is
- Finnish-American. For years (I'm a Tufts graduate) I assumed "Sununu"
- was a Finnish name solely on the basis of its appearance. In fact,
- "Sununu" is Arabic for "little bird"; thus, as a friend quipped, we'll
- soon have "two little birds in a bush" to rule over us all. In 1958
- Sununu's family emigrated to the US from Havana. His father is Lebanese-
- Salvadorean-Cuban-American.
-
- Nevertheless "John Sununu" will finish building that White House sauna.
-
- Greatly humbled,
- Elliott Levesque
-
-
-
- ************************************************************************
-
-
-
- [Art Director's Note: We wanted to cancel the series but the accountants
- vetoed it. At our lawyers' urging, we've appended apologies.]
-
-
- RUINOUSVERY 2 by Elliot "le Fou" Levesque
-
- "Sauna Tech"
-
-
-
- -2 [Messrs P, P To Be, V P To Be, Sununu, cabinet au naturel, plus
- extras, all crowd into the middle of the Oval Office. They
- face toward panel left, as if listening.]
- Voice of the Art Director: "Remember, guys, the policy is still
- no outtakes. And we're staying with the Finnish angle. OK,
- resume positions. Lights....
-
- -1 [The poli' 'toons begin to disperse off-panel.]
- Sununu [mutters]: I'd like to punch out that Cosmic Keypuncher's
- lights!
- Voice of the Art Director: ....(Watch the blasphemy, John, or He'll
- demote us to 300 baud) ....pinkies....
- 0 [Sununu leaves, with nimbus overhead. Mr P and Mr P To Be slide into
- armchairs with sudden alacrity. Mr V P To Be remains standing,
- looking confused.]
- Voice of the Art Director: ....typos!
-
-
- Panel
- No.
- -----
-
-
- 1 [Late December. A view of a White House bay nestled between
- foliage with a snowy lawn----OOOOOPS!!!!
- Voice of the Art Director: Yank it!
-
- ************************************************
- * *
- * Technical difficulties --- please stand by *
- * *
- ************************************************
- ?
- ?
- ?
- ?
- ?
- ?
- ?
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- ?
- ?
- ?
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- ?
- ?
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- ?
- ?
- ?
- ?
- ?
- ?
- ?
- ?
- ?
- ?
- ?
- ?
- ?
- ?
- ?
- ***********************************************
- * *
- * Resuming regular broadcast--thank you for *
- * your patience. *
- * *
- ***********************************************
-
- 1 [Same day, Oval Office. Mr P and Mr P To Be each occupy an armchair
- on either side of a blazing fireplace. Mr V P To Be stands on the
- throw rug between them.]
- Mr P To Be [calling to panel right]: Well, if it isn't my favorite
- Finn!
-
- 2 [Mr P and Mr P To Be each continue to occupy an armchair on either
- side of a blazing fireplace and Mr V P To Be still stands on the
- throw rug between them.]
-
- 3 Mr P To Be [shouting to panel right]: WELL, IF IT ISN'T MY FAVORITE
- FINN!!
-
- 4 [Clad in carpenter's coveralls and painter's cap, carrying a handsaw
- and a pine board, John Sununu glumly trudges in, panel left.]
-
- 5 Mr V P To Be [slaps Sununu on the back, earnestly inquires]: So,
- John, Mark Twain wrote about your family! Are you directly
- descended from Huck?
-
- 6 [Loosed from his clothes by the slap, clouds of sawdust and powdery
- plaster envelop Sununu.]
- Mr P: I hear you've used saunas as an instrument of policy.
-
- 7 [Sununu is hidden in a cloud.]
- Voiceover [from panel bottom]: We use 'em religiously in Concord*.
- Works wonders with our looney fringe: relaxes 'em something
- beautiful!
-
- 8 [Sununu is still eclipsed by dust.]
- Voiceover [from panel bottom]: I tried for years to get Gordon
- Humphreys* in for a good sweat. You know how uptight he gets
- sometimes. Bad for health! But, no go. He said, "Only
- homosexuals use saunas!"
-
- 9 Mr V P To Be: Gee, I thought the guys at my health club were
- just being very physically expressive.
- Mr P To Be [irritated, waving arms at viewer]: Cut, cut! This
- ISN'T going to work. Sununu WALKS if he doesn't talk. And
- Dan, WHAT have YOU been smoking?
-
- 10 Mr P: Now, George, chill out. Things work themselves out,
- believe me. I've been in the business forty years. As for
- Dan, the lad's no different than you were in '81.
- Mr P To Be: Gee, Mr P, you think so?
-
-
-
- FOOTNOTES (2)
-
- *Concord is the capital of New Hampshire.
-
- *Senator (R-NH) who, along with Newt Gingrich, Jesse Helms, et alia,
- staffs the Paranoiacs wing of the Congress.
-
-
- ASSORTED APOLOGIES
-
- [My apologies for any offense given above to Finns or Finnish North
- Americans. I made some attempt to reduce the invidious references
- to a still little-known nationality. If I were completely sincere,
- I suppose I wouldn't have used any. But I just couldn't resist. So
- color me bigot and sleaze for hyperborean climes. There must be a
- special purgatory for (pseudo-)humorists.---Ron Rizzo]
- [Ditto for Lebanese or North American & Circum-Caribbean Lebanese.
- Ditto for temperate zones and horse latitudes.---Ron Rizzo]
-
-
-
- *********************************************************************
-
-
-
- ROONSBERRY 3 by Elliott "le Futebol" Levesque
-
-
- "An Exultation of Turkeys"
-
-
- Panel
- No.
- -----
- 1 [A balmy Thanksgiving morn, courtesy of the Greenhouse Effect.
- A shot of a scoreboard]:
-
- Hi Tech Hi School Football Classic
-
- Period 1 2 3 4 F
-
- Bournemouth Algorithmics 14 17
- Assawompsett Entrepreneurs 0 0
-
- DRINK MOXIE!
-
- 2 [Closeup of the stands: on an aisle a 40ish woman, next to her a
- 40ish man, she in a splashy Italian ski sweater and fedora set
- at a rakish angle over long chestnut hair pinned into a pile, he
- in a black leather jacket, knotted silk scarf, and Irish crumble
- hat, peering through opera glasses. On a seat directly behind
- them are two 30ish women flanking a very tall girl; the woman on
- the aisle wears a football helmet with faceguard and chin strap plus
- a basketball jacket emblazoned with kanji, the girl's in a hooded
- sweatshirt printed with the words "Alan Turing was no Enigma", and
- the other woman sports a deerstalker cap and tweed suit.]
-
- 3 Fedora: What a glorious day!
- Silk Scarf: It's a new morning in America.
-
- 4 Fedora: Darling, there's something you must know. [Pause]
- I voted for Bush.
- Silk Scarf: Honey, that's wonderful! So did I. I've wanted so
- badly to tell you!
-
- 5 Fedora: Me too! [They embrace.] Finally, free of guilt and
- at one with the zeitgeist.
- Silk Scarf: Isn't victory liberating?
-
- 6 Silk Scarf [shouting toward field]: Awright, you Womps, let's
- bruise some pigskin!
- Fedora: GO-O-O-O-O, Treppies!
-
- 7 Deerstalker [to Helmet]: Yups discover the Dark Side. Isn't
- prejudice grand?
-
- 8 [Male Fan turns around, eyes narrowed, and reads the slogan on
- the Very Tall Girl's chest.]
- Silk Scarf: Hmm. Turing---a riddle wrapped in a conundrum inside
- a perversion.
-
- 9 Helmet [to Male Fan]: I've passed my Turing test. Have you?
-
-
-
- **********************************************************************
-
-
-
- RHEUMSWORRY 4 by Elliott "les gauffres glacees" Levesque
-
-
- "Signs of the Times"
-
-
- Panel
- No.
- -----
- 1 [Still in the stands at the Hi Tech Hi School Football Classic.
- As before: on the aisle sits a 40ish woman in a splashy Italian
- ski sweater and fedora set at a rakish angle over long chestnut
- tresses wound in a spiral, next to her a 40ish man in a black
- leather jacket, knotted silk scarf, and Irish crumble hat, peering
- through opera glasses. On a seat directly behind him is a very
- tall girl in a hooded sweatshirt printed with the words "Alan
- Turing was no Enigma", flanked on either side by two 30ish women,
- the one on the aisle wearing a football helmet with faceguard and
- chin strap plus a basketball jacket emblazoned with kanji, the
- other sporting a deerstalker cap and tweed suit.]
-
- Very Tall Girl: [a flutter of hands]
- Deerstalker [to Very Tall Girl]: Good grief! Is that "yuppie"?
-
- 2 Helmet [to Deerstalker]: No, Sher, she wants to buy a pretzel with
- mustard.
- Deerstalker [to Very Tall Girl]: Wait 'til halftime, OK, princess?
-
- 3 Silk Scarf [to Fedora]: I hope she doesn't drool.
- Fedora: Kirk! She's just de----hearing impaired. Those two high
- school girls deserve credit.
-
- 4 Deerstalker [to companions]: The grapevine says Lenora Tuareg of
- Nueva Alianza will get a major post in the new administration.
- So we'll have at least one progressive amid the rot.
- Helmet: I think your grapes are fermenting, dear. How can you
- swallow that Alianza crud?
-
- 5 Very Tall Girl: [a flutter of hands]
- Deerstalker [to Very Tall Girl]: Ha, ha! Bush could use some
- occupational therapy, especially on his head bone.
- Helmet [to Deerstalker]: You're setting a bad example for Di
- Grace.
-
- 6 Fedora [to Silk Scarf]: Still, I feel sorry for those poor
- Democrats.
- Silk Scarf: Let's face it, Moira, they just don't know how to
- talk to people. They're social retards.
-
- 7 Fedora: It's sad. It's like when I got accepted by Bryn Mawr.
- Suddenly all my high school friends were history. You knew
- they were destined to play bit parts.
-
- 8 Silk Scarf: It's called upward mobility. Remember pizzas with
- the Bergmans? We haven't seen them since Middlesex offered me
- tenure. Boris still slings Chaucer to sophomores at State.
-
- 9 [Two cops ascend the aisle, escorting a recalcitrant boy between
- them.]
-
- 10 Fedora: Horton! Where have you been?
- Cop: We found him under the stands. He was eating ants*.
-
-
-
- FOOTNOTE
-
- * Name and behavior stolen from Theodore Sturgeon, THE DREAMING JEWELS.
-
-
-
- *************************************************************************
-
-
-
- RUINSVERYOFF 5 by Elliott "Reamur-Sebastopol" Levesque
-
-
- "Miracle on 57th Street"
-
-
- Panel
- No.
- -----
- 1 [Upstairs at the Russian Tea Room* in New York City. At the back on
- a dais is a lavishly hung Xmas tree behind an opera prop of a throne.
- Down the room's center, cleared of tables, stands a reception line of
- glitterati and their children en costume. Tree right, at a table by
- the stairs, are three burly men in shiny blue leisure suits, each with
- a pink mum in his chest pocket. Tree left, at another table, sit
- Warren Beatty and Kim Basinger. A waitron departs each table.]
-
- 2 [The Basinger-Beatty party: he wears a transparent plastic oxygen
- mask strapped to his face, his hands are under the table and his
- arms jiggle; she wears shades.]
- Miss Basinger [in a furious whisper]: Warren, will you please take
- off that mask and get rid of the filthy scrap of velvet you've been
- pawing all day? Such affectation!
- Mr. Beatty [breathily]: Kim, Dennis Hopper swears by it. He says
- it's terrific for getting centered. Don't worry, pretty lady, it's
- mucho cool.
-
- 3 [The table of burly men: six bottles of Stolichnaya between them,
- they slurp vodkas straight up.]
- First KGB Man: Our waiter looks shifty.
- Second KGB Man: We should feel him up.
- Third KGB Man: Garcon!
-
- 4 [In the middle of the room.]
- Waitron Yaroslavl Who Is Really Shaun: Orwell's finest over there
- are gulping down the potato juice like beached belugas.
- Waitron Jorge Who Is Really Jorge: Tut-tut, my boy. Don't slander
- the clientele. Remember, you're still on probation for serving the
- Cardinal condoms in aspic.
-
- 5 [Santa Claus appears at the top of the stairs shouldering a lumpy bag
- of "toys", accompanied by the Soviet First Lady in a gown and platinum
- antlers. The KGB men appear startled.]
- Mr. Beatty: GORBY!
- Glitterati: Ahhh! <clap!> <clap!> <clap!> .... <clap!>
-
- 6 [Ronald Notrump, entrepreneur extraordinaire, materializes from the
- solid mass of bodyguards clogging the stairs behind Santa.]
- KGB men [kneeling, arms open, in hushed tones]: Little father!
- Notrump: I'm touched, gentlemen. Really!
- Santa [sternly, to KGB men]: Nix, tovarishchi! <Nix, comrades!>
-
- 7 [As scores of bodyguards stampede into the room, they jostle and shove
- the glitterati, decking some with a thud.]
- Santa: OSTANTE! <STOP!>
- Notrump: All right, folks, here's Old St. Nick to hear your Christmas
- wishes for peace.
-
- 8 Mr. Beatty [to no one in particular]: Gorbachev's a genius at being
- informal. I hear he's taken a correspondence course on The Method*
- from Lee Strasberg.
-
- 9 [Now first in line is a mysterious woman dressed* like Garbo in
- NINOTCHKA, but shod in black pumps. Santa is enthroned. Raisa
- stands beside him. "Ninotchka" mounts the dais....]
- Santa [grinning]: Yes, my rare beauty, what is your desire for....
-
- 10 [....and plops down into Santa's lap.]
- Santa: ....oof!
- Mystery Woman: I fervently desire peaceful coexistence and human
- rights for....
-
- 11 Mystery Woman [plucking off wig and rubber breasts]: ....all the
- marvelous lesbians and gay men of the You-Ess-Ess-Are!
- Mr. Beatty: It's Joel Grey! HEY, JOEL!
-
- 12 [Santa lurches, "Ninotchka" falls off his lap, pushing both him and the
- throne into the tree, which falls on top of him. Raisa shrieks.]
- Raisa: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
- Miss Basinger [fingers in ears]: My eardrums!
-
- 13 [Gorbachev's on the floor, coiled in festoons of pirogies*, tinsel
- shreds and blinking tree lights, and flanked by burly men who dumbly
- stare. Jorge Who's Really Jorge helps "Ninotchka" to her feet.]
- Yaroslavl Who's etc.: Whaddya know, noodles neo-Romanoff.
- Mr. Beatty [stands up, beaming, loudly addresses Santa]: Man, you
- are SO SUAVE*!!
-
-
- FOOTNOTES
-
- 1 For all you helots, here's the layout of the joint: a small intimate
- two-storey cafe-restaurant next to CARnegie (capitals indicate proper
- accent) Hall on West 57th Street, the Tea Room is run by ancient Russian
- emigres, some of whom are named Patrick, Giuseppe or Jose. Gilded
- samovars glint against verdant walls crammed with genre paintings,
- crimson banquettes enclose cosy tables draped in screaming pink cloths.
- Celebrities tank up on RTR's rocket fuel, the 2 dozen vodka drinks
- listed on the menu. Most of the waitrons sport slavic monikers on
- their nametags.
-
- 2 Fashion czars of the net, FYI, she wears a velvet suit consisting of
- proletarian jacket and trousers, formican formal dress circa 1936.
-
- 3 That is, "method" acting. Unlike the Stanislavskii technique, in which
- you emotionally try to "get inside" a role, with The Method you elabo-
- rate character through many little behaviors. Actually, I'm told the
- two techniques are similar in ways, and some view The Method as more
- pedantic.
-
- 4 A pirogi is a savory but doughy steamed dumpling stuffed with egg,
- onion, or minced meat.
-
- 5 Line abducted from the movie BLUE VELVET.
-
-
-
- ********************************************************************
-
-
-
- The widow and children of "Pogo" creator Walt Kelly have approved two
- Chicagoans, Larry Doyle and Chris Sternecky, as cartoonists for the
- revival of the famous comic strip, which will reappear nationwide on
- January 8th in 75 newspapers after a hiatus of thirteen years. The
- following pirated pilot installment lobbies, sort of, for a socially
- relevant strip.
-
-
- *** WARNING: THE RULES OF SPELLING CEASE TO OPERATE BELOW. ***
-
- DISCLAIMER to dialectologists, dialecticians, dianeticians, dieticians
- and people who torment words: Any resemblance of the dialogue below
- to any known dialect, or set of dialects, living or dead,, human or
- 'toonish, is purely coincidental.
-
-
- RUINSBURRS 6: >>>Commercial Break<<<
-
-
- by Elliott "la reine de Yoplait" Levesque,
-
- instigator & compiler of this advertisement,
- who has no affiliation, monetary or otherwise,
- to the Kelly Fambly, American marsupials,
- political graffitti artists, or the Bureau
- of Swamp Affairs.
-
-
- 1. PRELUDE
-
-
- -5 [In an empty warehouse a spotlight flicks on. Its glare whitewashes
- a cinderblock wall, against which hangs a canvas backdrop painted
- with a wetland vista. On the dusty floor in front of it are two
- fishing poles and a picnic basket.]
- Voice of the Art Director: Release the hostages onto the set!
- And, please, no rough stuff.
-
- -4 [A moment later, a bound & gagged Pogo 'possum hops into the cone of
- light....]
-
- -3 [....followed by Albert the Alligator hefting an iron ball which is
- chained to his anklecuffs, Porky 'pine spinning in a strait jacket,
- a blindfolded Howland Owl groping his way, while Churchy La Femme
- holds Owl's shoulders from behind, a brown paper bag over his head.
- From the shadows other denizens of Walt Kelly's mental marshland
- shamble into view.]
-
- -2 Porky [suddenly sedentary]: Wait 'til the Syndicate* hears about this!
- Voice of Hibbs [magnified, from overhead]: Friends, just do the
- benefit performance as we discussed, and you'll be freed.
-
- -1 Albert [shouts to ceiling]: SHAME on you, beastie boy! [to Pogo]
- I hates it when a aminal betrays his own kind.
- Voice of Hibbs: Remember, fellahs, the Gay Mafia wants to set the
- Kellys straight, so knock their socks off.
- 0 [Pogo and Albert recede into the backdrop....]
- Voice of the Art Director: Dammit! Will someone remove their
- restraints? Get ready to roll 'em....
-
-
- 2. FRUG
-
-
- "Pogo: The Same Ole Generation"
-
- [Lifted holy without permission from the Fort Madge Must]
-
-
- Panel
- No.
- =====
- 1 [Pogo the 'possum and Albert the alligator stroll through the woods
- carrying fishing poles and a picnic basket. Albert chomps on a
- cigar.]
- Albert: Do Wade Davis* know wut the Kelly fambly done did to us
- po' swamp critters? Rudely awakenin' the pleasantly de-ceased!
- Ole lady Kelly musta em-ployed a cut-rate bokor*: I can't git
- this dangnab see-gar lit!
-
- 2 [They reach the edge of an inlet. In the distance over the water
- rises the sillouette of a camping platform*. Albert is transfixed
- by the sight.]
- Pogo: Albert, this here stretch o' swamp is "No Smokin'". And
- kindly address Miz Kelly as Ms. Kelly.
- Albert [awed]: I sure doesn't recall them rocket pads. I think we
- been snoozin' a good long whilst, Pogo.
-
- 3 [They clamber into their shallow-bottomed boat.]
- Pogo: Why they's fer turrists. We gotta row out and tell 'em
- 'bout the blessed event!
- Albert: Why, them space aliens might brunch on our faces! Can't
- we beam one o' them Eee-mail messages to th' planet Turr? I
- says use th' 'vailable tic'n'allergy!
-
- 4 [Pogo stands and starts poling. Albert lounges, peering into the
- picnic basket.]
- Pogo: Ain't 'vailable here. All them gizmos is up in She-cargo.
-
- 5 [On shore Wiley Catt, the devious lynx, peeks from behind a swamp oak.]
- Wiley: Eye o' Newt* an' toe o' Jesse! Accursed lib'rals trod the
- quiverin' earth agin!
- Albert [spots Wiley, rises, points an accusing finger]: Ahoy! A
- intruder skulks! Scat, you 'publican varmint! Back to yore moneypots!
-
- 6 Wiley [scampers off, muttering]: Veronica's veil! Th' Sandinistas
- have attained the Okee! They'll be marchin' on Atlan'a 'fore the
- week's out.
-
- 7 [The boat floats by Porky who is standing on a finger of land.]
- Porky: Pogo, how come you dint run for prezzy-dent?
- Pogo: I wuz on cry-o-genic hold, Porky. Folks don't want a chief
- 'xecutive who ain't warmer n' a frozen pizza.
-
- 8 Porky [climbs into the boat]: Heck, they coulda microwaved you, like
- they do all them other candy-dates.
-
- 9 Albert: Speakin' o' politicking, how we gone UP-date this here strip?
- They's matters o' race, gender, sex an' sexuality t' redress. Ole
- Walt for th' mos' part ducked civil rights, segregation, an' Black
- people. I hates folks thinking we crackers all these years!
- Porky [sitting down, fishing]: Aminals don't come in a han'ful o' races.
- We is all specious an' genius.
-
- 10 [Owl falls into the boat from an overhanging branch]: THUD!
- Albert [cowers]: YIKES!
-
- 11 Owl: Yeah, I's a genius, fer instance!
- Porky: Comics is so darn 'maginative we can't change a single figger
- wit'out makin' a passle o' fans PO-sitively rampant. Why, TV, wit'
- all them Reals, jes' croaks a cha'cter when it wants out. Mebbe we
- kin bribe Hanna th' Barber?
-
- 12 Owl [sputters]: I wants t' know WHY they cants matricoolate us all to
- FOND MEM'RIES an' let ignoorant neo-fights take this creakin' medicine
- show on th' road agin?! At my AD-vanced age I CRAVES tranquillity.
- Albert [bitterly]: And them Reals out there envies our degrees o'
- freedom. Bah! [Peers into the basket] A 'toon's life ain't no
- picnic.
-
- 13 Pogo: We been called up, friends, t' serve our country in an hour o'
- need.
- Albert: I wants a defurrment! How far you reckon it to the Canadian
- border, Owl, as a crow flies?
- Owl [taking the other fishing rod]: Why ask me? Now, as a owl or a
- Boeing 747 flies, that a diff'runt matter.
-
- 14 Albert: As long as they don't tries t' IMPROVE me, maybe I'll stick
- aroun'. Some folks don't needs RE-upholsterin'. 'xample, our esteemed
- pilot: you is incorrigibly gay, ain't you, Pogo 'possum?
- Pogo: Albert, I'm a o-possum, not a 'possum. They's a world o'
- diff'runce 'tween th' two.
-
- 15 Albert: Hot damn! T' think all these years I scarcely knowed ye.
- Pogo: That how my contract go. O'possum is th' PRE-cise fizzical
- opposite o' 'possum.
- Owl: 'doubtedly, a constriction o' oppo'possum.
-
- 16 Pogo: It explain why I in-VETerate bach'lor. If I ever wuz t'
- blissfully ig-nite with another 'possum, why we mutually anNI-hilate
- each other, releasin' a mighty gush o' injury.
- Albert [drops the basket lid]: Oog! Thinks I just mislaid my appy-tight.
-
- 17 Pogo: No, Albert, Churchy La Femme's our gay blade. I thought it wuz
- obvious. Pirates you-shally are gay.
- Owl: An' here's some more 'stoundin' facts: Mam'selle Hepzibah's a
- pow'ful feminist an' Mz. Beaver's Lipstick lovuh!
-
- 18 Porky [stands up and hollers shoreward]: GOT THAT, YOU
- SCIENTIFICAL BUSYBODIES??
-
- 19 [In a pith helmet and clutching a clipboard, Deacon Mushrat stoops
- behind a rhododendron and stares through a telescope mounted on a
- tripod.]
- The Deacon: CURIOUS behavior. Piling into a precarious primitive
- craft and heading for deep water in order to quarrel. QUITE
- ritualistic, though hardly advantageous from an evolutionary
- standpoint.*
-
- 20 Albert: Blasted consultants! We topheavy wit' ethologists, sociable
- biologists, an' ragged darwinians.
- Porky [snorts]: They near' inflicted th' Ant Man* from Harvard on us!
- Owl: Ain't no privacy anymore wit' a voyageur in every shrub.
-
- 21 Owl [waving a fist, yells to shore]: Pervert!
-
- 22 Pogo [gently chides]: You wants high production values, you abides
- technical staff.
- Albert: We don't jamb easy into THEIR pet theories. They's more
- single-parent critturs, bach'lor marsupials an' spinster reptiles in
- this here swamp than any ecologist kin imagine!
-
- 23 [The boat nears the platform. A green head tied in a bandanna cranes
- over the edge.]
- Albert: Why, if it isn't my favorite turkle!
-
- 24 Churchy: It IS your favorite turkle! Hain't you lazy bones made th'
- announcement yet?
- Owl: My, we plumb fergot. This intellekshool intercourse we been
- havin' is downright pernicious.
-
- 25 Beauregard Hound [appears above]: You brung the chandeliers, I hopes?
- Pogo: Who else up there?
-
- 26 Churchy: Come on up, y'all! It `Out N' Okee!', th' annual Floating
- Feast of Swamp Gayz, our lesbian & gay outdoors club.
-
- 27 [The boat's occupants scramble up the platform's ladder. On top a mob
- of critturs cavort, burnished by the westering sun.]
-
- 28 Churchy [shouts]: It time to holler, folks! Let's make it a wrap.
-
- 29 One an' all [in a roar]: HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY!!! SEE YOU
- JANOOARY 8TH, WHEN "POGO" RETURNS TO 75 O' TH' CHOICEST
- NOOZE RAGS IN TH' LAND. LYRICS BY LARRY DOYLE AN' PIKCHURES
- BY NEAL STERNECKY, TWO FINE YOUNG SCRAWLERS HAND-PICKED
- BY TH' ESTIMABUBBLE KELLY FAMBLY.
-
- 30 Albert: Who cruelly parts a reptile from his stogie!
- Pogo: Shush, Albert!
-
-
- --<)OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO(>--
-
-
- FOOTNOTES
-
- 1 That is, a comics syndicate, eg, King Features.
- 2 Wade Davis is a Harvard ethnobotanist who discovered the fish toxin
- used in Haiti to create "zombies".
- 3 A bokor is a vodoun ("voodoo") priest.
- 4 Georgia's Okefenokee is a National Wildlife Refuge with half-roofed
- wooden camping platforms over the water spaced about a days' canoeing
- apart.
- 5 Newt Gingrich (R-GA), that is, a Senate crazy.
- 6 Forgive the lapse from authenticity, but I don't have Gothic typeface.
- 7 Sociobiologist Edward O. Wilson, famed for studies of insect societies.
-
-
- NOTE: I consulted the daily and periodical press, asked people, but
- I could not learn the name of Bush's UN Representative-designate.
- So I've indicated her in angle brackets as an algebraic unknown
- or logical constant or malformed Backus-Naur expression.
-
- --- Ron Rizzo, starving research assistant
-
-
-
- *******************************************************************
-
-
-
- RUINSBURY 7 by Elliot "la petite baigneuse" Levesque
-
-
- "Twelve Naked Men"
-
-
- Panel
- No.
- -----
- 1 [Early January. The White House. A sauna. Twelve naked men.]
- Naked Man laboring over pocket calculator: We may have a quorum.
- Naked Man with cellular telephone: Boys, I've created four new
- cabinet positions.
-
- 2 Naked Man with clipboard: Mr. P E Lect, Liz Dole and <UN Rep-
- designate> protest their exclusion from this meeting.
- Cellular: Dammit, we've made UN rep a virtual sinecure for the
- gals! What do they want? I can't let them in here. Why, the
- Old Man himself couldn't attend.
-
- 3 Clipboard: <UN Rep-designate>'s understudy, Miss Tuareg, says
- you're uptight and that the unencumbered body is nothing to be
- ashamed of.
- Cellular [in disbelief]: Sheesh! OK, 'Laugh, it's all yours.
-
- 4 Naked Man with toy pitchfork: I'm John McLaughlin, your Media
- Mauler. I'll also chair most staff con-fabs.
- Cellular: He gives good meetings.*
- Pitchfork: Thank YEW, my flowery Shrub. Next!
-
- 5 Naked Man with piece of sushi: I'm Ronald Notrump, Impresario of
- Trade. We borrowed the idea from Japan. Just call me shogun.
- Pitchfork: Way to go, Low-No!
-
- 6 Naked Man wearing stringtie: I'm H. Ross Perot, fellow Texan, and
- Invisible Man, aka Secretary of Altered States. I'll operate Air
- Valkyrie, our sky 'napper fleet. BTW, George, Qaddafi's offering
- us more oil rights in exchange for state-of-the-art armaments.
-
- 7 Cellular [brightening]: Really? We could give him some Minutemans.
- Is he holding any hostages?
- Stringtie: No, GB.
-
- 8 Cellular: Nuts!
- Naked Man wearing red beret: I'm Dr. Fred Altman, PhD., from
- Nueva Alianza. As the President's Analyst, I'll massage our
- geopsychic strategy.
-
- 8 Cellular [to himself, dialing]: Love to rag the Little Guy! Gets
- him hoppin' mad.
- Pitchfork: The Secretary of Real Estate Development has a question.
- [Assorted chuckling.]
-
- 9 Cellular [into mouthpiece]: Hello, Mike? How's Beantown? The
- cabinet and I have been talking....
- Pitchfork: Ready for the snap, Jack? Don't goose the center!
- [General chortling.]
-
- 10 Naked Man with football [leering]: I'll do anything for a Mc'Laugh,
- har, har!
- Cellular [into mouthpiece]: ....and we'd like to offer you the
- ambassadorship to Turkey.
-
- 11 Football: Seriously, guys, we need a decent locker room for these
- meetings.
- Naked Man with flashcards: With shower stalls.
-
- 12 Football [to Flashcards]: Attaboy, Dan!
- Clipboard [to Cellular]: Mr P E Lect, are you alright??
- Cellular [crestfallen]: He accepted!
-
-
- FOOTNOTE
-
- 1 Line stolen from Woodie Allen's "Play It Again, Sam".
-
-
-
- ********************************************************************
-
-
-
- RUINSBURY 8 by Elliot "le grande guignol" Levesque
-
-
- "El Beso Del Norte"
-
-
- Panel
- No.
- -----
- 1 [Still early January, the White House, a sauna, twelve naked men.]
- Naked man with toy pitchfork [falling into stride]: Awright, you
- maggots, what're we gonna do about Ollie? Mister North Star?
- Tattle-tale? That honor-marinated marine?
-
- 2 Naked man with calculator: Well, Walsh has proved amenable to reason.
- The unknown quantity now is defense counsel. Any ideas, Mr P E Lect?
- Naked man with cellular telephone [mutters]: What's Dukey's angle on
- Ankara? [Looks up] Huh?
-
- 3 Naked man with clipboard: Sir, we're worried North will talk to reduce
- the common criminal charges against him.
- Cellular: Jeez! Can't the wimp take his punishment like a man?
-
- 4 Pitchfork [intones]: Let he who is without sin cast the fu'st stone!
- [to Cellular] Is it not ESPIONAGE to deal in secret with a self-
- avowed enemy, one who creates a Mecca for the most vicious terrorists,
- is imperialistic abroad and Hitlerian at home?
- Clipboard [nervously]: I don't think 'Laugh's used to dry heat!
-
- 5 Pitchfork [lowers voice]: Is it not HIGH TREASON to endeavor to give
- that enemy sophisticated weapons of mass destruction? TREACHERY to
- lie about it to Congress and the people? Utter CONTEMPT for law to
- destroy and suppress all evidence?
- Calculator: Damn! Where are the temperature controls?
-
- 6 Pitchfork [more animated]: Gross BETRAYAL of the public trust?
- ABANDONMENT of our vital interests? SUBVERSION of national security?
- Unpatriotic? Turncoat? [Rising, pointing at Cellular] I put it to
- you, sir, are you and the Old Man not FOUL TRAITORS??
-
- 7 [Silence. Then....]
-
- 8 Cellular [smiling & frowning at the same time]: Heh, heh. Is that
- a rhetorical question, 'Laugh?
-
- 9 Naked man with flashcards: Say, Mr McLaughlin, you've really got a
- point.
- Cellular [to Flashcards]: Oh, SHUT UP, Dan!
-
-
-
- ********************************************************************
-
-
-
- RUINSBURY 9 by Elliot "la-bas" Levesque
-
-
- "Heat Treatments"
-
-
- Panel
- No.
- -----
- 1 [Still early January, the White House, a sauna, twelve naked men.]
- Naked man with cellular phone [fretting]: Can't we 'nap Ollie in an
- Air Valkyrie chopper, Aych?
-
- 2 Naked man wearing stringtie: Whole 'copter fleet's currently in use
- backing up blackbag jobs at abortion clinics and bringing sick nuke
- plants on line again. Why not use those spooks you're stuffing
- State with?
-
- 3 Naked man with clipboard: That reminds me, GB: the press claims
- you've made the CIA and Social Register prerequisites for civil
- service appointments.
- Cellular: So what's wrong with that? We want good people, don't we?
-
- 4 Cellular [to Clipboard]: Besides, have I got an executive order!
- It bans clearances for deviants. The fag Democrats will be apeshit!
- Congress will froth and won't notice anything else we do.
-
- 5 Naked man holding toy pitchfork: It's de-wimping time, vermin! [Jabs
- Cellular in the ass with pitchfork.]
- Cellular [drops phone, falls off bench]: OWWWWWWWW!
-
- 6 Pitchfork: Time to howl! Pledge of Allegiance, backwards!
-
- 7 [They all stand on their benches around Pitchfork.]
- Tutti [shouting in rhythm]: LAH!-ROFF!-SITSUDGE!
- Pitchfork [yelling]: SIIIIIIIIR!
- Tutti [quaking]: SIR!
-
- 8 [They all face the walls.]
- Tutti: D'NAH!-EETREBILL!-THEW! SIR!!
- Pitchfork [beats chest, loudly moans]: Veni, veni, immundissime
- spiritus, horribile visu!....
-
- 9 [They all bend over, mooning Pitchfork and each other....]
- Tutti: DOG!-REDNOO!-NOITAN!-ENO! SIR!!
- Naked man with flashcards [squealing]: Gosh, this is exciting!!
- Pitchfork [cries out]: ....adjuro te, diabolo ridendo!....
-
- 10 [....revealing American flag tattoos on every buttock.]
- Tutti: SIDNUTS!-TEE!-CHEW!-ROFF! SIR!!
- Pitchfork [screaming]: ....Milhouse! Milhouse! Milhouse!
-
- 11 [Some time later on the snowy White House lawn. A man in a fur-lined
- parka lays a nude body at the end of a row of them. They stir slightly.
- A man sporting a stethoscope and a raccoon coat oversees the operation.]
- Raccoon coat: They fainted, John, probably from hyperventilation.
- The fresh air should revive them.
- Parka [depositing a body]: Oof! Thanks, Doc. I appreciate it.
-
- 12 [Sauna doorway. Man in parka drags out an inert form by the feet,
- a toy pitchfork clenched in its fist.]
- Parka [grumbles]: One more cabinet meeting in the sauna and I'm
- heading back to the Granite State*!
-
-
- FOOTNOTE
-
- 1 Ie, New Hampshire.
-
-
-
- ********************************************************************
-
-
-
- RUINSBURY 10 by Elliot "le garcon aux chiclets" Levesque
-
-
- "De Re Glutinosa, or, Sticky Bits"
-
-
- Panel
- No.
- -----
-
- 1 [Late February, State House rotunda, Boston. Michael Dukakis,
- ambassador-designate to Turkey, stands with aides at a mike in
- front of a movie screen, crowded by reporters.]
- PBS reporter [in herringbone & JFK hairdo]: Governor, when did
- you first suspect you were addicted?
-
- 2 Dukakis: Well, Chris, I've been chewing Stimorol(R)* only since
- Inauguration Day. I'd been receiving abusive phone calls daily
- from the Democratic National Committee. But watching that dude
- ranch dropout slide his mangey paw over the bible---er, I mean,
- the swearing-in was very traumatic for me, Chris.
- PBS reporter: We've heard first stop's Costa Rica.
-
- 3 The Duke: I've enrolled for a month of rehabiliation at The Chicle
- Institute's clinic in San Jose. My doctor, state coroner Loud
- Coffins here, says I've developed a "mandibular dysfunction."
- Loud?
- [Coffins has gray hair and is dressed all in black: leather derby,
- leather tails, leather pants, leather cravat, leather turtleneck
- with "Anthrax" silkscreened on it.]
-
- 4 Dr. Coffins: Mr. Dukakis suffers from hyper-ruminative mastication,
- popularly known as "saw jaws." It's a perpetual shuttling of the
- jaws, accompanied by feelings of regret and constant mental replay
- of traumatic events. The sufferer is driven by an urge to revise
- past decisions.
- [On screen is Dukakis in an interview from last fall saying]: Let
- me clarify that point, Ted.
-
- 5 PBS reporter: And the afflicted person resorts to chewing gum as a
- palliative?
- Dr. Coffins: Precisely. Mix with stress and it's wicked addictive.
- PBS reporter [earnestly]: Will the Governor seek damages against the
- Danish crown?
-
- 6 Dr. Coffins: No. His prognosis is good. I've prescribed hydrosolar
- silicate therapy at the Institute's coastal facility.
- PBS reporter: In other words, sun, surf and sea breezes.
- Dr. Coffins: You got it, Chris.
-
- 7 PBS reporter [craning neck]: I understand there's a Stimorol(R)
- representative present.
- [A tall radioactive blonde in a Danish sailor suit, haughty cheeks
- and horsetail fall of hair steps out from behind Coffins.]
- Horsetail: Ja, Soren Stunning here, Nord Atlantik liaison for Dandy
- Chewing Gum Forbundet.
-
- 8 PBS reporter: Europeans have always been freer with toxins. Is your
- company regretting its incursion into the American market?
- Stunning: Our research labs confirm no ingredients are narcotic. Vee
- believe the tremendous freshness and stimulating taste of Stimorol(R)
- make it the chew of choice, even among those predisposed to gum
- neurosis.
-
- 9 Dukakis: Is that why it costs so much?
- Stunning [hands Dukakis a cellular phone]: Vee have cable hookup now.
-
- 10 Voice from phone [lots of static]: Hallo?
- Dukakis: Hello, Your Majesty. This is Michael Dukakis. Just call me
- Duke, I mean, Mike.
-
- 11 His Majesty's Voice: Listen, Mike, vee're really sorry about your
- problem. Believe me, vee know vut high office can do to vun.
- By the vay, vill you sue?
-
- 12 Dukakis [pauses; then]: No.
- His Majesty's Voice: You're a prince of a fellow! You know, Lloyd's
- tripled Denmark's liability premiums last fall after vee lost 50,000
- tourists and the city of Kobenhavn for two veeks in a Baltic fogbank.
- Vee had to drop Groenland from coverage. Such a pity!
-
- 13 [A short bespectacled young man in a blazer moves next to Stunning.]
- Blazer: Hi.
- Stunning: Hallo?
-
- 14 Blazer [staring at the Dane]: Did you keep tropical fish as a boy?
- Stunning: Vut?
-
-
- FOOTNOTE
-
-
- 1 Stimorol(R), or, more precisely, The Stimorol Experience(R), is
- "Danish chewing gum", awarded for "excellence in export" by
- His Majesty King Frederick IX. When it first came out, coy ads
- suggested the gum made you high.
-
-
-
- ********************************************************************
-
-
-
- RUINSBURY 11 "Office Chaotics"
-
- by Elliott "holy Toledo" Levesque
-
-
- Panel
- =====
-
- 1 [An office in the Capitol. A gray-haired woman in double-breasted
- pinstripe suit sits at one desk intent on her work. A gangly
- gray-haired man in horn-rimmed glasses, silk shirt, and polka-dot
- bowtie sits at another lost in thought, while a short bespectacled
- young man wearing a polo shirt & drawstring linen pants types at a
- Macintosh(C), an outsize blue blazer hung over the back of his chair.]
-
- Phone on woman's desk: Ring!
-
- 2 Pinstripe [picks up phone]: Representative Bratwurst's office, Miss
- Pepsi speaking.
- Youngman: Where's Taylor Caldwell's CONSERVATIVE'S THESAURUS?
-
- 3 Miss Pepsi [to Bowtie]: J. Millard, it's for you.
- Rep. Bratwurst [picks up phone]: Legislation without taxation!
- Hello? J. Millard Bratwurst, Radical Liberal Conservative Party,
- Ohio chapter, at your service.
-
- 4 Miss Pepsi [to youngman]: Rod, have you finished his speech for the
- Gymnosophists Jamboree?
- Rodney: Almost, Anna. I need a few more adjectives. Caldwell's
- awesome. The synonyms have been sanitized, but the antonyms are
- positively filthy. The book's a godsend.
-
- 5 Miss Pepsi: More likely an infernal lure. I told Millie it was
- wicked of him to buy it for your birthday. I wish we dropped
- the slash and burn rhetoric.
- Rodney: We live in media-drugged times, under conditions of total
- information overload. You have to yell "Fire!" in a crowded
- theater to get anyone's attention.
-
- 6 Rep. Bratwurst [putting down phone]: It was Leroy, Rod, calling from
- the Kennedy Center. He couldn't talk. He said he's working late,
- a teamster dropped Athens, it shattered, there's pork stew,
- mandoo* and fresh kimchee* in the frig, 'wave it for 2 minutes.
- Rodney: We've eaten that stuff for the last 2 nights! Thanks, JM.
-
- 7 Phone on Miss Pepsi's desk: Ring!
- Miss Pepsi: My, aren't we popular! [picks up phone] Pepsi for
- Bratwurst. Why, hello, Mr. Poland. Rod, it's your paterfamilias.
-
- 8 Rodney [stands next to Miss Pepsi's desk, talks into receiver]:
- What's up, Dad?
- Phone voice [choked]: Son? I have something to tell you...SOB!....
-
- 9 Rodney: Uh, is something wrong?
- Phone voice: I've...HIC!...I've done something....
- Rodney: Dad, have you been drinking?
-
- 10 Phone voice: Huh? Oh, just a coupla beers. I guess I've wanted to...
- OH GAWD!!...to do it for years....
- Rodney: Dad, you're scaring me....
- Phone voice: Thought I could handle the remorse (sniff!)....
-
- 11 Rodney: Please, Dad....
- Phone Voice: Damn, why is this so...SIGH!...hard? Rodney, your mother
- and I...we....
- Rodney [hysterical]: Yes?? Yes??
-
- 12 Phone voice: ....voted for Bush.
-
-
- FOOTNOTES
-
- 1 Mandoo are pork dumplings, smaller than Peking ravioli.
- 2 Kimchee is Chinese cabbage pickled in chili peppers, an everpresent
- condiment in Korean cuisine.
-
-
-
- ****************************************************************************
-
-
-
- RUINSBURY 12 "The President's Birthday Suit"
-
- by Elliott "couturier celeste" Levesque
-
- Panel
- No.
- -----
- 1 [Early January. Dusk. The snowy White House lawn. A nude
- prostrate form.]
- Mr P [leans on an elbow]: Yawn. Brrr! My, it's gotten chilly
- in here.
-
- 2 Mr P [sits up, looks at lap]: Jesus, I'm naked!
-
- 3 [He scampers across the lawn to the White House.]
-
- 4 [Louvre door]: Rattle! Rattle!
- Mr P [yanking knob]: DAMN! I'm locked out.
-
- 5 [A leafy mass rises out of a nearby shrub.]
- Foliage: Greetings, mortal.
- Mr P: Aaaah!
-
- 6 [A crusty head wrapped in old socks pokes through the leaves.]
- Head: I am Titania, witch of the Lawn.
- Mr P [teeth chattering]: And I'm freezing!
-
- 7 [Arms appear plucking frilly undergarments from the clump of foliage.]
- Titania: Here, child of clay, I always carry spares.
-
- 8 [Later that evening. Mr P is clothed head-to-foot in green plastic
- garbage-bags secured by rubber bands. The two crouch outside a White
- House window, chandeliers ablaze inside.]
- Titania [tossing leaves over his head, hissing]: Arise, spawn of the
- Lawn, born again in fescu and loam!
-
- 9 [Mrs. P bustles into view inside, followed by an aide.]
- Aide: Ma'am, Sheik Yamani and Chancellor Kohl have just arrived.
- Mrs P: Where is that wimp now? All right, I'll see them in the
- Oval Office. [Exeunt.]
-
- 10 Mr P: I can't let Barbara see me like this!
- Titania: Sigh. Tomorrow we'll buy you an inorganic wardrobe at
- Morgie's. But tonight we must gather alms.
-
- 11 [Still later that night. Titania and Mr P stand in front of a well-
- appointed bar, a fancily scrolled "Help Wanted" sign in the window.]
- Titania: You have no aptitude for begging, sprite.
- Mr P: Gee, I'm sorry. I'm used to hiring people who do it for me.
-
- 12 Titania: I see. Perhaps you'd prefer indoor work? The pay's kinda
- low. But the boys are dears. They'll treat you right. Why, I
- hustled drinks here myself for 3 years. Though I missed the fresh
- air life, the open park lands. So I'm on sabbatical. Besides, I'm
- a teetotaler.
-
- 13 Mr P [looks up, reads]: P Street Pub. It looks nice enough.
-
-
-
- ****************************************************************************
-
-
-
- RUINSBURY 13 "Imps of Inkworld"
-
- by Elliott "en su tinto" Levesque
-
- Panel
- No.
- -----
- 1 [A beach on the shores of a midnight sea under a louring sky
- of swirling black cloudmasses that fuse with the water on the
- horizon. Faded newsprint patterns the sand and waves leave
- great scallops of inky gray wash. We are at The Rim. A large
- hangar looms behind the dunes. It is Storyboard, Ruinsbury's
- R&D lab.]
-
- 2 [Inside Storyboard, a view from the rafters: a large bathyscafe,
- "Squid" stencilled on its hull, lies beside a giant glass cannon
- filled with black liquid. A small group clusters next to it.]
- Voice of Helmet: Away team assembled! Imps reporting for duty.
-
- 3 [Zoom to hangar floor: dressed in favored headgear and silver
- jumpsuits blazoned with "Imps", Helmet, Fedora & Silkscarf (aka The
- Polands), Ronald Notrump, Soren Stunning and Shaun "Who Was Yaro-
- slavl" O'Shaunnessy stand at attention facing J. Millard Bratwurst,
- who sports a flight cap.]
- Bratwurst: People. Our destination is the Syndicated Worlds.
- Away team: Gasp!
-
- 4 Bratwurst: Aim #1 is to rescue Andy Lippincott. I'm sure you know why.
- Silkscarf: Abuse of tokenism, Millie. Trudeau's axing his only gay male
- character, slowly, for laughs. It's so depraved!
- Fedora: Isn't stealing 'toons in poor taste?
- Helmet: I think this whole strip's in poor taste!
-
- 5 Notrump: Couldn't Legal figure a way to break Mr. Lippincott's contract?
- Bratwurst: Nope. We'll have to snatch Andy. You've all travelled
- through hyperstrip before?
- Shaun: Yeah, the ratpack took me on a joyride through some weird metalle
- urteille last month, flaming carrots & ninja turtles. We're not gonna
- transmog, are we? It gives me headaches.
-
- 6 Bratwurst: Only a table lamp or two. Just recite your mantra if you
- feel nauseous. We'll raid Bloom Country on the way back. Aim #2 is
- to acquire some small mammalian comedians. Boss says they're hot right
- now. See if any meadow critters want to bail out early*. We offer
- attractive fringe benefits.
-
- 7 Shaun: Such as?
- Stunning: Vut about Pogo?
- Bratwurst: His swamp opera's in full rehearsal.
-
- 8 [Imps board the Squid.]
- Bratwurst: Careful, imps! Bow and stern are sheathed in gum arabic.
- One touch and you're wiped. And THAT means a painful redraw.
-
- 9 [Rafters view again. The Squid bobs in the cannon's pool.]
- Bratwurst: Raise the Schaeffer and launch!
-
- 10 [The "Schaeffer" squirts an arc of fluid through now-open hangar doors
- high over the beach.]
-
- 11 [Inside the Squid.]
- Stunning: Vat do you see, captain?
- Helmet [peers thru 'scope]: We're in white ink now....with froth.
- Weird turbulence, kinda bouncing.
-
- 12 [From above]: Creak!
- Fedora: Was that thunder?!
-
- 13 ['scope view: above, through leaping suds, peers a giant sausage-
- shaped head backed by a sunburst, repeatedly enlarging and shrinking.]
- Voice behind head: Adam, Mr. Basset just phoned. He's ready for the
- next panel.
- Head: Collect Katy and Clayton, Laura. I'm on laundry alert. There's
- a sub in my linens.
- Helmet: Full speed ahead!
-
-
- FOOTNOTE
-
- 1 Berke Breathed will discontinue Bloom Country in August.
-
-
-
- *****************************************************************************
-
-
-
- RUINSBURY 14 "Boudoir Bash"
-
- by Elliott "Le bleu et le noir" Levesque
-
-
- Panel
- =====
-
- 1 [A bedroom deep in Adams-Morgan* in the District of Columbia. Rodney
- and Leroy in their four-poster bed. Rod writes, OED* volumes strewn
- on his lap; Leroy thumbs through Art News.]
- Lee: So how was Boston, baby doll?
- Rod: I caught Duke Michael's bon voyage speech.
-
- 2 Lee What are you writing?
- Rod: Uh, nothing. Just a letter to my folks.
-
- 3 Lee [reads over Rod's shoulder]: "Wholesome, straight-appearing
- gee emm...."
-
- 4 Lee [grabs the letter]: "....young, attractive, ambitious, and well-
- dressed,...."
- Rodney: Hey, give that back!
-
- 5 Lee [fends off Rod]: "....seeks lipstick dyke for escort to public
- functions. You are sophisticated and discreet and possess advanced
- social skills."
-
- *** NOTICE: To allay fears among chaste readers that visualizations of ***
- *** this strip are meant to be lewd, we shall enumerate our modest ***
- *** handling of exposed erogenous zones in each panel. - E. Levesque ***
-
- 6 Lee [rises to knees on bed, glares]: You lousey chickenshit!!
- Rod [pouts]: It's private.
- [A lolling pillow point blocks Lee's lavish loins from view.]
-
- 7 [Lee literally kicks Rod out of bed]: Thump!
- [Lee's hips swivel to lift a manly flank over his airborne privies.
- A bedpost bisects Rod's daunting derriere.]
-
- 8 Lee [pursues Rod around room]: Ashamed to be seen with me? Social
- misfit, am I?
- [The tapered frond of an enormous succulent blooming out of a chamber
- pot droops across Lee's genitalia. Rod scuttles on all fours in
- demure sillouette.]
-
- 8 [Rod cowers in the kitchen under volume 5 of the OED.]
- Lee [bounds into room]: Bumpkins are contagious! Lying next to my
- uncouth carcass each night may ruin your poise!
- [Volume 4 massively aprons Rod's crotch. A cheescloth dangling from
- a brass tack veils Lee's dynamic pelvis.]
-
- 9 Rod: So what's wrong with cultivating the arts of genteel intercourse?
- Lee: Hah!
- [Volume 4 slides a bit. A soaring bouquet of plush calla lilies gloves
- Lee's gonads.]
-
- 10 [Rod sits at the kitchen table reading the OED.]
- A door: SLAM!
- Lee [behind door]: Quasimodo will sleep alone!
- Rod [mutters]: I'll finish the letter zee before I share air again
- with that lout!
- [A mini-tablecloth teases only the prurient viewer with shadowed
- mysteries.]
-
- 11 [In the bedroom, resting on a chair arm, Lee gazes at an opened night-
- table drawer.]
- Lee [shouts]: What's this gift-wrapped package? "Stimorol." Are you
- taking drugs now??
- [A massed buttock presses the chair arm. Only one!]
-
-
- FOOTNOTES
-
- 1 A residential district of Washington.
- 2 The Oxford English Dictionary.
-
-
-
- ****************************************************************************
-
-
-
- RUINSBURY 15 "Nasty Notions"
-
- by Elliott "Valentine Sanguinaire" Levesque
-
-
- Panel
- =====
-
- 1 A telephone: Ring! Ring!
-
- 2 [A tiny rundown office. A battered file cabinet totters over a cramped
- desk in front of a narrow window revealing a tatty skyline and bobbing
- cumulus. Behind the desk sits a young woman with a mohawk, ear staples,
- nostril jewels, and face paint. She picks up the phone receiver.]
- Mohawk: Hello! Nasty Notions, Janet speaking. We help you communicate
- better.
-
- 3 Phone voice: Hello? I'd like to lower the boom on my, on a, on someone
- I know.
- Janet: Of course. First let me read you the riot act. We do not
- traffic in slurs relating to race, religion, ethnicity, sex, sexuality,
- physical appearance or handicaps. However, everything else is fair
- game: gross moral failures, crushing personal inadequacies, shocking
- lapses, debilitating quirks.
-
- 4 [Split screen: Janet and Leroy on the horn.]
- Janet: What did you have in mind? A mal mot to get the blood boiling,
- or something truly devastating?
- Leroy [huskily]: I've been betrayed. I want to get even.
-
- 5 Janet: A tree'd be nice.
- Leroy: A tree?
-
- 6 Janet: A genealogy. We work backward from current generation and
- implicate victim's forbears in increasingly baroque sexual unions
- with assorted members of the animal kingdom. It's very thorough.
- $5 per family member, or $12 per generation, minimum of 3. Colla-
- teral lines are extra.
-
- 7 Leroy: That may let him off the hook.
- Janet: Well, there's the Blowhole. It's expensive, but you get it all
- off your chest in one massive discharge.
-
- 8 Leroy: I'm running over budget this month.
- Janet: We have affordable generic communiques. NastieGrams by
- Rustcruft. For example, their Dirty Deeds stationery is festooned
- with a charming decorative border of rather alarming death threats.
-
- 9 Janet: Or perhaps you favor Haytmail by Hallmurk, "when you care
- enough to send the very worst." Or our Misfortune Cookies: feed
- him royally, then watch his jaw drop after dessert.
-
- 10 Leroy: I want to make him really sorry.
- Janet: I have just the thing: Complex, by Prince Machiavelli.
-
-
-
- ***************************************************************************
-
-
-
- RUINSBURIED 16 Special Edition "The Merchant of Venality, Act I"
-
- by Elliot "A nous la liberte" Levesque
-
-
- News Item
-
- 7/9/89 Washington, DC -- "Hanging" Judge Gerhard H. Gesell
- of US District Court fined ex-Marine Colonel Oliver L. North
- $150,000 and ordered him to perform 1,200 hours of community
- work over the next 2 years. North had been convicted of 3
- felonies in the massive Iran-contra scandal---destroying &
- altering official documents, aiding & abetting the obstruction
- of Congress, & accepting an illegal gift---which carry a maximum
- penalty of 10 years in prison and $750,000 in fines. Gesell
- spared North a jail sentence because he thinks community service
- will improve North and overcome his "elitism".
-
- "I want the community to get the benefit of your organizational
- and administrative skills," said the judge. "I believe....that
- you are a caring person." North will coordinate "private and
- public resources for a new, experimental antidrug program to
- counsel, train and educate young people in Washington's inner
- city."
-
- Destruction of official documents "carries a mandatory prohibition
- against holding US office" and "also means North will lose his
- Marine retirement benefits. However, the Navy announced yesterday
- that it will ask the General Accounting Office whether the pay can
- somehow be restored."
-
- "At the end of his 10-week trial last May, North was found not
- guilty of 9 other felony counts....including lying to Congress,
- lying to the attorney general and conspiring to defraud the
- Treasury."
-
- [compiled, quoted without permission from Fred Kaplan's 9/9/89
- Boston Globe article, pages 1 & 15.]
-
-
- Panel
- No.
- =====
- ACT THE FIRST: A Better Mousetrap
-
- Advertisement
-
- 1 [Poster outside the Ford Theater]:
-
- 0>-<0>-<0>-<0>-<0>-<0>-<0>-<0>-<0>-<0
- v v
- | Churls of Thespis present |
- ^ Hon. Gerhard Gesell ^
- 0 Ralph Nader 0
- v Brendan Sullivan* v
- | in |
- ^ ^
- 0 "The Merchant of Venice" 0
- v v
- | an amateur performance |
- ^ to benefit the ^
- 0 Just Say No Teen Crusade 0
- v of Washington, DC v
- | |
- ^ ^
- 0>-<0>-<0>-<0>-<0>-<0>-<0>-<0>-<0>-<0
-
- Scene 1
-
- 2 [A star dressing room backstage at the Ford Theater. Judge Gerhard
- Gesell en role wearing an elaborate wig, rouge, lipstick & mascara, &
- ermine robes, sitting at a little table strewn with tiny vials & jars
- of cosmetics, mugging at his cracked mirror.]
- Judge Gesell: "...It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven"..ahem!..
- "It blesseth him that gives and him that takes....'Tis mightiest in
- the mightiest...."*
-
- 3 [Door opens and man with silvery swingbang in foppish 16th century
- garb leans into room.]
- Fop: Your honor, you're gorgeous!
- Judge Gesell: Fie, Brendan! Virtue's in the eye of the beholder.
- But beauty? Pah! [aside to mirror] Tho', 'struth, I fear your
- honeyed tongue, that make this old cynic bawl like a babe.
-
- 4 Counselor Sullivan: Huh? Anyway, we have a FULL HOUSE tonight.
- The Reagans, Thornburghs, Doles, Scalias & Mr. North are here.
- Judge Gesell: Nay, there lies a knave o' hearts that breaks our
- purpled hand!
-
- 5 Counselor Sullivan [leaves]: Er, yah, sure. Razor wit, judge!
- Five minutes to curtain.
-
-
- Scene 2
-
-
- 6 [Out front: A still-uniformed Excolonel Oliver L. North in a box seat,
- arms around Faun Hall who sits on his lap clutching pens and stenopads.
- She wears a halter top, slit dress & patent leather boots with stiletto
- heels.]
- Excolonel North: Jeez, Faun, 6 dinners* & 30 hours a week (hang out
- with the bloods for 10 & bill 'em for 20 more) and I'm home free.
- Not bad, eh? I needed a rest.
-
- 7 Ms. Hall: I've booked you on the Monday morning flight to Bogota.
- I charged the air fare to the drug program---
- Excolonel North: Antidrug program, poopsie.
-
- 8 Ms. Hall: ---oops, antidrug program, as you requested.
- Excolonel North: That's my girl! [kisses her] Smack!
-
- 9 Ms. Hall: Carlos, your deeyabull---
- Excolonel North: Diablero, sweetheart. He's like a chiroproctor.
- Ms. Hall: ---oh---will send his limo to the airport to pick you up.
-
- 10 [A man in a pastel suit slips into the box. He wears totally opaque
- glasses.]
- Pastel suited man: !Ola, mi capricho gamino!*
- Excolonel North [beams]: Speak of the devil! Cuomo ess-star, Don
- Cabal-oh?
-
- 11 Don Carlos Caballo: Can you get the napalm?
- Excolonel North: No sweat, miyombray! Now why did you want it?
- Don Carlos: To provide an extra incentive for our more---how do you
- say it?---"recalcitrant" clients.
-
- 12 Don Carlos [hands North a little present]: For you, Colonel. A mere
- trifle.
- Excolonel North: Aw, you shouldn't of!
-
- 13 [North excitedly unwraps the gift.]
- Don Carlos: A token of my appreciation, for beginning what I am
- sure will be a productive professional relationship. They are
- sunglasses, you call them "shaydes", no? Wrought from pure
- Colombian gold. You should wear them every day. Keeps out glare,
- yes?
-
- 14 Excolonel North [wearing shades, grinning]: Muchas Gracias, senor.
- Eat your heart out, Don Johnson!
- Don Carlos: Do I know this Johnson?
- Ms. Hall: He's a star of Miami Vice.
- Don Carlos: Ah. We deal directly with the northeast.
-
- 15 Don Carlos: Oliver, you are Roman Catholic, no?
- Excolonel North: Si, senor.
-
- 16 Don Carlos: Good. Then'll you attend our little opening ceremony after
- you land. It's a black mass.
- Excolonel North: So you live in an integrated parish?
-
- 17 [John J. Cardinal O'Connor* appears through box curtain, in red biretta,
- satin vestments, and large crucifix on a necklace. Carlos vanishes.]
- O'Connor: Ollie?
- [North bolts upright, toppling Ms. Hall]: CRASH!
-
- 18 O'Connor [extends a ringed hand, gazes into space]: Let us give thanks
- that Our esteemed son of the Church was brought safely into port by
- the Grace of Our Lady.
- [North and Hall bump heads as they both endeavor to kiss O'Connor's
- ring]: Crack!
- Excolonel North, Ms. Hall: OW!
-
- 19 O'Connor: You are a shining example to Catholic youth everywhere,
- Colonel North, a true hero, a martyr to obedience, who bears pious
- witness to the Faith in these Godless times.
- Excolonel North: Your Eminence, each morning during my ordeal I
- entrusted my life and liberty to the guidance of Holy Mother
- Church.
-
- 20 [Down on the floor a contingent of young men in blue tuxes and leather
- approaches the box, one member waving a sign that says "Yeah!!! Love
- ya, guy! GOP Pages for Ollie."]
-
- 21 Excolonel North [snarls]: Get outta my line o' sight, ya friggin'
- fearies!
- O'Connor [interposes crucifix at arm's length, frowns in fright]:
- Exorciso te, immodest spurts, uh....shoo!*
-
- 22 Page wearing a stetson [in disgust, to North & O'Connor]: Assholes.
-
- [to be continued]
-
-
- FOOTNOTES
-
- 1 Brendan Sullivan was North's trial attorney.
- 2 From Portia's climactic speech which begins "The quality of mercy is
- not strained...."
- 3 North charges $25,000 per banquet as a keynote speaker.
- 4 "Mi capricho gamino" means (I hope) "my wayward urchin". Gaminos is
- the name given to the hordes of homeless children who live in large
- bands on the streets of Bogota, a phenomenon dating from the 1960s.
- 5 Roman Catholic archbishop of New York City and virulent homophobe.
- 6 The Roman Catholic rite of exorcism begins "Exorciso te, immundissime
- spiritu....", which Aldous Huxley gives as "I exorcise thee, most
- unclean spirit...."
-
-
-
- ****************************************************************************
-
-
-
- ROONSBERRIED 17 "Run On Rushmore"
-
- by Elliott "premiere dame" Levesque
-
-
- Panel
- No.
- -----
-
- 1 [Late February, President's Night at the P Street Pub in Washington, DC.
- Everyone's in drag. A bartender with big falsies & kewpie doll face;
- a customer in 50s ensemble & plastered curls with "I Like Ike" button;
- a waitron in a black wig, cowgirl shirt, skirt & boots & beauty mark;
- they cluster at the bar.]
- Patron: You're stacked more like Dolly Parten than Dolly Madison.
- Bartender: And you'll have to swill a lot more gin to keep up with Mamie.
- Why, you ain't even halfways to shitfaced. [Pours him another drink.]
- Tonight you don't drive: I'll call an ambulance.
-
- 2 Bartender: Where's Martha, Lady Bird? Drink orders from the beach are
- piling up.
- Waitron: He's in the john, Big Girl, cussin' into the mirror, as usual.
-
- 3 Patron: I know he must have problems. Still, I've never met a street
- person so foul-tempered.
- Bartender: Customers complain about him constantly. He does lousey
- work. The toilets are filthy. But Jack feels sorry for him.
-
- 4 [Dressed as Martha Washington & holding aloft a silvered frisbee as a
- a tray, George Bush bursts through a swinging door, scowling.]
- Waitron: Heeeere's Loretta!
- Bush: Alright, what jackass swiped my bonnet?
-
- 5 Bartender [places 2 drinks on frisbee]: Martha, take these Pernods
- down to P Street beach. Ask for Steve.
- Bush: Are you trying to give me pneumonia?
- Waitron: Oh, please. You're wearing more layers than an onion.
-
- 5 [As Bush exits, J. Millard Bratwurst, in a pasta-salad wig & hoopskirts,
- races on-panel, pushing a terrified Anna Pepsi in a wheelchair at full
- tilt. She's in pinstripe, fedora & hornrimmed glasses, clenching a
- cigarette in a holder between her teeth.]
- Miss Pepsi: We have nothing to fear except fear itself. SHRIEK!
- Patron [dives under barstool]: It's a gorgon! Avert your glance or
- she'll turn you into cinder blocks!
-
- 6 Rep Bratwurst: Wrong, moo-gal, it's Mildred Pierce as Miss Bette Davis.
- Miss Pepsi: Dammit, Millie, I need a drink. Hit me with a Shirley
- Temple, Big Girl.
-
- 7 [Bartender slams a vivid drink down on the bar:] Bang!
- All except Miss Pepsi [in raspy drawl]: DRINK YOUR DIN DIN.
- Rep Bratwurst: And don't blanch.
-
- 8 [Enter Rodney in a limp purple dress with lace fringe, beads, rickety
- heels & bobbed S&P wig. He wears a button that says "Sappho was a
- marvelous woman."]
- Miss Pepsi: Eleanor, dear. Why so glum?
- Rod: Lee and I quarreled.
-
- 9 [A deep dark sylvan glade along a stream. P Street beach. Cold silvery
- light from street lamps high above filters through the foliage. A tent-
- like figure gropes its way.]
- Bush [stumbles]: Ouch! What a stupid place for rocks.
-
- 10 [A youngish man in moustache, plaid shirt & 501s suddenly appears.]
- Youngishman [hushed]: Kleine Mutterchen! How go the wars?
- Bush [loudly]: Where's Steve?
-
- 11 Youngishman: The night has many ears. You need only whisper his name.
- A whistle [from panel left]: Too-whit, too-whit, too-whit!
-
- 12 Youngishman [exits panel left]: Hoerst du? Der Ruf der Nachtigall.
- 'Abend, Mensch!*
- Bush [loudly hisses]: Steve!
- Whisper [panel right]: Ten feet off your leeward side, mother.
-
-
- FOOTNOTE
-
- 1 "Do you hear? The call of the nightingale. 'evening, fellah!"
-
-
-
- **************************************************************************
-
-
-
- ROONSBERRIED 18 "Brief Encounters of the Worst Kind"
-
- by Elliott "le Cadet spatiale" Levesque
-
-
- Panel
- No.
- =====
-
- 1 [The bathyscafe Squid streaks through inkworld's Sea of Tincture
- in hypercomix drive on its way to rescue Andy Lippincott from
- DOONSBURY.]
-
- 2 [Aboard the Squid. Soren Stunning peers through the 'scope.]
- Stunning: Captain, I've sighted a large yellow mass floating off
- our starboard side. Closing rapidly. By Tycho's table*, it's
- as big as a blotberg!
-
- 3 Helmet [taking over 'scope]: Let me see. Huh. It's flailing wildly.
- Silk Scarf: Omigod. A giant octopus! We're doomed to digestive juices.
- Shaun: Where's a good sushi chef when you need one?
-
- 4 [A huge stupid eye appears at a porthole.]
- Tutti: AUGGGGGH!
-
- 5 Helmet [still at 'scope]: This invertebrate has dirty paws. It's just
- a spastic canine, albeit an enormous one. Goddess, is it ugly!
- Silk Scarf [hands to head]: Spuds Cerberus, pit bull from hell. We're
- at the gates of Hades in a splatter strip!
- Fedora [to Silk Scarf]: Will you please stifle yourself?
-
- 6 [A deafening roar permeates the vessel. It's a voice. Imps freeze
- in terror.]
- Voice [coos]: MUMMY WUMMY WANNA SEE WIDDLE GWIMMY
- POO DOO HIS WIDDLE DOODY.
- Notrump [dashes about]: Jeez, it's a close encounter. Where's my
- Berlitz tricoder? I've got to call my broker.
-
- 7 [Imps frown as a sizzling sound envelops the hull]: Hisssssss!
-
- 8 Fedora: Acid attack! Sir, we're corroding.
- Helmet: Open detergent jets and accelerate!
-
- 9 [In a bubbly blur the Squid races ahead through hypercomix.]
-
- 10 [Inside again.]
- Fedora: We're becalmed, cap'n. Instruments indicate zero velocity.
- Helmet: Impossible. Besides, I can feel movement.
-
- 11 [Outside: a great stipple-scalped being sits in a water-splashed
- torus & clutches the Squid in a chubby hand. Beyond arches lawn,
- evergreens, sky & clouds, all packed in babyfat.]
- Great being: IZZ BATH HEIGHTECK? MY SOHPTOK!+
- Voice from above: PASQUALE! THAT'S A GRENADE.
-
- 12 [Inside the Squid.]
- Stunning [looks out porthole]: Vee're in a different concept now.
- Fedora [peers through 'scope]: Yeah, but whose?
-
- 13 [Outside: a greater being in square spectacles, blouse & floral
- coveralls stands over Pasquale, hands on hips, facing panel right.]
- Greater being: THIS IS DISGRACEFUL. WHO'S HANDLING PROPS TODAY?
- Pasquale: I DARESAY WE ARE, OLD THING. WE'LL MAKE A BIG SPLASH
- IF IT'S LIVE, CHORTLE! OOPS. KIN GETTUSA EXRAY TING?+
- Voice from panel right: IT'S JIMBO'S SET, ROSE. HE'S ARM-WRASSLIN'
- WITH THE CATERER.
-
- 14 [Inside.]
- Silk Scarf: Are the monsters menacing us? We must convince them
- we aren't edible.
- Shaun: And guess how we do that?
- Notrump [at porthole]: They appear to be arguing. Maybe they'd be
- open to a little horse trading?
-
- 15 [Outside.]
- Rose [shouts to panel right]: FER CRISSAKES, WE'LL LOSE OUR
- AUDIENCE! THIS ISN'T SOME MASOCHISTIC 'TOONISH FREAK SHOW!
- Pasquale [chucks the Squid]: TEZTIN, WUNTOOTREE!+
- Tiny voice from the Squid: Warp nine, Mr. Danish!
-
-
- FOOTNOTE
-
- 1 Danish astronomer Tycho Brahe was fond of food. He often held
- vicious entertainments while he dined.
-
-
- TRANSLATIONS
-
- 1 "Is this bath high tech? My soap talks!"
- 2 "Can it get us an X rating?"
- 3 "Testing, one, two, three!"
-
-
-
- ********************************************************************
-
-
-
- ROONSBERRIED 19 "This Old House"
-
- by Elliott "la petite concierge" Levesque
-
-
- Panel
- No.
- -----
- 1 [Late February. President's Day. A view of a White House bay
- nestled between foliage with a snowy lawn in front, as seen
- perhaps from the sidewalk through the wrought-iron fence.
- Scaffolding obscures the windows.]
-
- 2 [A cement-mixer truck rumbles across the lawn. Carpenters and
- painters toting planks, saws and brushes mill about.]
-
- 3 [A White House corridor. Barbara Bush in a hardhat, John Sununu
- in coveralls & painter's cap, and David Frost* leading a camera
- crew, saunter down the hall.]
- David Frost: This is David Frost on location with Barbara Bush
- in the East Wing of the White House.
-
- 4 Mrs. P [in closeup]: We've replaced the louvre doors of this wing
- with revolving ones to facilitate traffic.
-
- 5 [Pan to revolving doors: Above them hangs a large plaque inscribed
- "Friends of the First Family".]
-
- 6 [Mrs. P sails through the doors, the others lurch after her.]
- Mrs. P: The wing's historic rooms are now time-share condos for
- visiting moral guides. John?
-
- 7 [They stroll down a corridor, crew members stumbling over each other.
- Vending and change machines alternate with numbered doors.]
- Sununu: We've equipped each suite with portable altars, cold showers
- and futons. Bernie Law* worked closely with the interior decorators
- to insure there was no phallic imagery in the furnishings.
-
- 8 David Frost: Are the apartments personalized?
- Mrs. P: Oh, yes. Delightfully so. Jeanne Kirpatrick wallpapered
- her bedroom with gorgeous Georgia O'Keefe prints. John Silber*'s
- quarters are just to our left.
-
- 9 [They lean into a doorway. Beyond is a deep parlor whose ceiling is
- covered with nude cabbage patch dolls that have been nailed to it.]
- Mrs. P: Sigh. President Silber has dedicated his suite to
- The Unknown Fetus.
- Sununu [mumbles]: The carpenters were apeshit and threatened a
- wildcat. Jack Kemp calmed 'em down with Superbowl yarns.
- Mrs P [mildly reproves]: Shame, John, such uncouth language.
-
- 10 David Frost: We're wondering about all the change machines in the
- corridors, Mrs P.
- Mrs P: George hates collecting rents. So every lock and switch is
- coin-operated. That way there's no fuss. It was Maggie's idea.
- She's such a clever woman!
-
- 11 Mrs P [radiant]: And it's given us a wonderful new hobby. I've
- already found three Indian head pennies.
-
- 12 David Frost: The renovations must cost a pretty penny. Will it be
- franks n' beans for state banquets?
- Mrs P [still radiant]: Heavens, no! It's all paid for by a line
- item bonus for George in the CIA budget. Executive mansion security,
- I believe.
-
- 13 Mrs P [glides away]: We'll take it as a tax credit. Besides, the
- improvements will add considerably to the building's resale value.
- David Frost: I beg your pardon? [scurries after her] I say,....Mrs P!
-
-
- FOOTNOTES
-
- 1 Brit Frost is a famed TV interviewer of political celebrities.
- 2 Bernard Cardinal Law, archbishop of Boston & hidebound reactionary.
- 3 "Long John" Silber, combative president of Boston University.
-
-
-
- ********************************************************************
-
-
-
- ROONSBERRIED 20 "Abduction from the Seraglio"
-
- by Elliott "Rondeau a la Turc" Levesque
-
-
- Panel
- No.
- =====
- 1 [Andy Lippincott's bedroom. A Turkish divan with Tootsie Roll (C)
- bolsters & calligraphic quilt, flanked by a glass cube nighttable
- with a Mac on top and a director's chair with "Cukor" stenciled in
- gold lame' across the backrest; a halogen feather lamp on the floor
- teeters over them all. Out an arched window rusting trees toss in a
- wind barreling out of a cobalt sky. It's the Sunday coloroto edition.]
-
- 2 Lamp [strobes once]: Psst!
- Chair: Creak! Excuse me. Who's there? Notrump?
- Lamp: No, Shaun. The lamp. My head's pounding.
-
- 3 Chair: "Kirk Poland" here. Are you turned on?
- Lamp: What kind of crack is that?
- Chair: I mean your tungsten wire may be overheating.
-
- 4 [Andy Lippincott strides into the room, cane over his shoulder.]
-
- Mr Lippincott: Sniff! What's that burnt smell?
- Chair [whispers]: Time to transmog, people....
-
- 5 [A puff of smoke eclipses the panel]: POOF!
-
- 6 [The materialized imps surround Andy. They scratch & fidget: they're
- all drawn a la Trudeau: blase' expressions, battened-down eyelids
- cum mascara underbar, pencil noses, bad posture, dozing horizontals.]
-
- Mr Lippincott: Are you a rogue cel from Saturday morning teevee or
- last night's burrito?
-
- 7 Notrump [agoggle]: NICE design sense, Andy. WHERE did you find the
- bed? Ivan scoured the souks of Stamboul but we had to settle for
- a beddo from Osaka.
-
- 8 Mr Lippincott: I mailed 5,000 taffy wrappers to Turkish Delight* (C)
- when I was 12. Had false teeth & diabetes at 13.
-
- [Rustling off-panel like waves, leaves, rain]: Shush, sough, sweep!
-
- Helmet: Canned laughter?
-
- 9 Mr Lippincott: No, actually, folks, my ex, Suleyman Scott, he's
- a bouncer, one night Soolie & I slathered ourselves with a quart
- of Filippo Bertoli Extra Virgin olive oil. I took him to the mat*
- 2 falls out of 3 & won the thing. He'd swiped it from an old
- flame who runs a gaybar in the Plaka district of Athens.
- Notrump: The connoisseur's oily touch.
-
- 10 [Voice of stagehand off-panel]: Har, har, hoo, ha, hee!
- Helmet [to reader]: Jeezuz.
-
- [A microphone dips into view at panel top.]
-
-
- FOOTNOTES
-
- 1 "Turkish taffy" candy bars made in the US.
- 2 Turks smear themselves with olive oil before wrestling, Greeks after.
-
-
-
- **************************************************************************
-
-
-
- RHUNSBERET 21 "Imp-lications"
-
- by Elliott "bonjour!au revoir!bonchance!" Levesque
-
-
- Panel
- No.
- =====
- 1 [Still in Andy Lippincott's bedroom on a Doonesbury soundstage.
- It's still the Sunday coloroto edition.]
-
- Notrump: Fab digs, old boy.
- Mr Lippincott: Thanks! Though I hope the lease runs out before I do.
- On the other hand, I've always wanted an Irish wake. It'd be one
- helluva lease-breaking party. Just call me Finnegan.*
-
- 2 Notrump: The famous gallows humor!
- Fedora: RONALD! Mr Lippincott, we're here to rescue you from Mr
- Trudeau's abusive storyline. You're his only gay character and
- he gave you AIDS. Just say where.
-
- 3 Mr Lippincott: And become an unemployed 'toon again? Sorry, but
- I like it here. Gary appreciates my work and the pay's great.
- Have you ever hustled haha's on street corners? You know how
- humans hate free laffs.
-
- 4 Shaun [grabs Andy]: Let's go, Mr Lippincott. We're taking you away
- from all of this.
- Mr Lippincott: Hey, leggo!
-
- 5 Mr Poland: It's for your own good, man! Shaun, pin his arms;
- I'll grab his legs.
- Mr Lippincott [struggles]: Keep your filthy paws off me!
-
- 6 Helmet [tackles his waist]: Fedora, fetch the straitjacket.
- Mr Lippincott [punches & kicks]: HAAAALP! FOUL MURTHER! ABDUCTION!
- Shaun: Quiet! You'll wake Trudeau.
-
- 7 [Fedora gags him from behind....]
- Mr Lippincott [squeals]: Mmmmmmmmmmmpppph!
- [....as he brings his cane down on Mr Poland's cranium]: WHACK!
-
- 8 [Poland sits on the floor, dazed. Shaun & Helmet pick themselves off
- furniture. Andy, free, brushes off his clothes.]
- Mr Lippincott: Hooligans.
-
- 9 Mr Lippincott: So how many of you play PWAs in Raspberry?
- Notrump: That's Roonsbury (I think). Er, no one. We don't have any.
-
- 10 Mr Lippincott: My, my. Better lawns through chemistry.
-
- 11 Shaun: Our art director shies away from grim issues.
- Mr Lippincott: May I make a suggestion? Ask him to design a strip
- that deals with AIDS. Then come see me.
-
- 12 Helmet: That's fair. Frankly, the omission's disturbed me.
- Mr Lippincott: I'm glad to hear it. So who'll volunteer to play a PWA?
-
- 13 [Imps abruptly rouse themselves.]
- Notrump [glances at watch]: Gee, it's market closing. Gotta run, guy.
- Shaun: Darn, I have to hop the shuttle to Bloom County!
-
- 14 Fedora: Um, nice meeting you, Andy. We must do this again.
- Helmet: Imps, prepare for launch! We're overdue at Storyboard. It
- was a pleasure, Mr Lippincott. Take care!
-
-
- FOOTNOTE
-
- 1 Irish wakes are boisterous affairs. In FINNEGAN'S WAKE the deceased
- carouses with his mourners.
-
-
-
- *************************************************************************
-
-
- RUINSBURY 22 "On the Beach"
-
- by Elliott "la sylphide" Levesque
-
-
- Panel
- No.
- -----
- 1 [Night. A deep sylvan glade along a stream. Silvery light filters
- through the foliage from street lamps high above. P Street beach,
- February. A darkened figure leans against a tree to the right, another
- sits on the ground against a rock to the left.]
-
- 2 [A commotion of breaking branches and violently disturbed foliage
- issues from panel left. Both figures look up.]: Snap! Crack!
- Rustlerustlerustle! Snap! Snap!
-
- 3 [A large cabbage-like mass rolls out of the bushes, tumblers shatter
- on a rock, a tray sails through the air]: Crrruuuunnnch! CrashCrash!
- Whirrrrrrrrrrr....
-
- 4 [A flushed George Bush sits up on the sand, hand on forehead.]
-
- Bush: Gasp! Let me set a spell....damn those Pernods!
- Figure to the right: We ordered Aquavits.
- Bush: Steve?
-
- 5 Figure to the right: No, Adam.
- Figure to the left [reclines on side]: I'm Steve, Adam's rib.
-
- 6 Adam: Bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh. He shall be called
- Man, for from man hath he been taken.
- Bush: You're talking in riddles.
-
- 7 [Adam sits behind Steve, his arms draped around his shoulders.]
-
- Steve: Now the city's sleep is dreamless in the shrunken nights.
- The king's forest dies; the game's fled to wild ravines, farm
- fields, the outskirts of towns.
- Adam: In the first age, the tribes dwelt among the great trees.
-
- 8 Steve: And gardens bloom like graveyards, embalming love.
- Bush: Don't you want to order another round?
- Adam: Under heaven's dark roof they tended its sacred fires.
-
- 9 [Steve takes Adams' hands in his.]
- Steve: Awake, we met each night in one another's waking dreams.
- Dreams dreamed by day, now faded like a dream.
- Adam: And staged bright combats on the land.
-
- 10 Steve: The world's become a mantrap laid by men.
- Bush: Say, how about a tip?
- Adam [staring into space]: There were giants in the earth.
-
-
-
- ********************************************************************
-
-
-
- ROONSBERRIED 23 "Calumny of Cato"
-
- by Elliott "en derriere garde!" Levesque
-
-
- Panel
- No.
- -----
- 1 [Night. A deep sylvan glade along a stream. Silvery light filters
- through the foliage from street lamps high above. P Street beach.
- 3 darkened figures: Adam & Steve embrace while a dowdy George
- Bush looks on. It's still Presidents Day.]
-
- 2 [A commotion of breaking branches and violently disturbed foliage
- issues from panel left. All figures look up.]: Snap! Crack!
- Rustlerustlerustle! Snap! Snap!
- Crowd sounds: Hub-bub sillabub, hubba-hubba, bub!
-
- 3 [A band of revelers in presidential masquerade breaks through the
- shrubbery. They cavort about a woman in 3-corner hat & purple-hemmed
- toga over breeches & boots, 2 duelling pistols stuck in her belt. On
- a leash of iron links attached to a spiked dog collar she leads another
- woman dressed as Blue Boy, satin jacket & trousers bursting with lace
- ruffs that pout from throat, chest & wrists. Both sport chrome nose
- plugs & aluminum ear staples.]
-
- 4 Bush: What dynasty are they?
- J "Mildred Pierce" Bratwurst: Early Pouf, I think. That's Gore Vidal
- as Aaron Burr dragging a humbled William F. Buckley, Jr. as Alexandra
- Hamilton to his just deserts.
-
- 5 "Chester Arthur": Tie the miscreant to yonder tree!
- "James Madison" [sniffs a hankie]: Now dare your words take flight,
- young Ham, while hemp, no silken cords, makes fast thy form.
-
- 6 [Strapped to a tree, breasts bared, "Buckley" leers defiance, eyes
- agoggle, nose heavenward. "Vidal" struts a few paces off.]
-
- "Vidal": Awright, you snake, we'll give you one more chance to admit it.
-
- 7 "Buckley" [suavely, flicking tongue in & out]: I categorically deny
- (flick! dart!) your imputed &, may I add, extremely vicious, calumny,
- & repeat, once agayn, that I do not, never have, & never shall, indulge
- your bestial tastes. I am not....(flick! flick!)....
-
- 8 "Buckley": ....a fag!
- "Vidal": You heard him. Fire away!
-
- 9 [They shoot him with suction-cupped darts]: Sproing! Pop! Pop!
- "Buckley" [writhing, rolling eyes in ecstasy]: Ah! Ah! Ah!
- Bush [rising]: No fair! Junior Buckley's a good egg.
-
- 10 [Back at P Street Pub. "Jackie Onassis" approaches the bar in dress
- suit, heels, purse & leopardskin pillbox hat.]
- Waitron "Ladybird": Jack-leen, word is your protege' just assaulted
- a couple of customers down at the Beach.
- Jack: What?
- Bartender Big Girl: He picked an argument, then tried to mug two of
- 'em afterwards. They beat the crap out of him.
-
- 11 Jack: Great! Just what I need, a holiday brawl. Where's George now?
- Big Girl: In the downstairs bar. They carried him up from the Beach.
- He raved all the way, saying he was president.
-
- 12 Jack: Sigh! I thought he'd gotten over that.
- "Ladybird": Whatever happened to "Napoleon" or "Anastasia"? Now those
- delusions had class. Who for heaven's sakes aspires to be George Bush?
-
-
- *****************************************************************************
-
-
-
- ROONSBERRIED 24 "Five Card Stud"
-
- by Elliott "Jeu des cartes" Levesque
-
-
- Panel
- No.
- -----
- 1 [Presidents Day, P Street Pub, DofC. Manager Jack, dressed as Jackie O.,
- stands over a bedraggled & bruised George Bush, still in Martha Washing-
- ton's weeds.]
-
- Jack-leen: They tell me you've been a very naughty boy.
- Bush (mutters): I ought to have this pansy gin-mill raided!
-
- 2 Jack-leen: George, this pansy gin-mill rescued you from park benches,
- mildew and worse.
- Bush: Mr. President to you (you transvestite thug).
- Jack-leen: What did you say?
-
- 3 Bush (looks up, defiantly yet cowering): READ-MY-LIPS!
- Jack-leen: That's it. You're fired. Big Girl, show him the door.
- Bartender Big Girl: Gladly. Mr. President....
-
- 4 [Big Girl dangles Bush by his collar in front of the door.]
-
- Big Girl: ....this is a door. It has 2 sides. This is one side....
- Waitron Ladybird: Give my regards to Dr. Albee, Martha George.*
-
- 5 [Upstairs Anna Pepsi is FDR in a wheelchair, Rodney is Eleanor Roosevelt,
- and a sloshed patron sitting at the bar is Mamie Eisenhower.]
-
- Rod [fingers baubles]: I hate it when Lee & I fight.
- Patron [hands Rod a bun]: Have a burger, hon. (Burp!) You'll feel
- better. I'll order you a drink.
-
- 6 Rod [refuses drink]: No, thanks. I'm on the wagon. In fact, Sobering
- Words meets tomorrow night at the Ethical Culture Society in Falls
- Church.
- Miss Pepsi: What's that?
-
- 7 Rod: It's a gay&lesbian al-anon group for congressional speechwriters.
- Our motto is "reach for the mot propre, not the vin ordinaire."
- [Patron falls off stool]: THUD!
-
- 8 [Rod & Anna glance at "Mamie", lying insensate on the floor. Then:]
- Miss Pepsi: Egads. Eleanor, join Millie & I for supper afterwards,
- and tell us all about it.
-
- 9 [A Washington boulevard. A lumpy mass shambles by. Beyond a
- streetlamp's cone of light a gaunt figure leans against a wall.]
- Bush [mumbles]: I need decent threads! But the tips tonight were
- miniscule, as usual, and I drank my last paycheck.
-
- 10 Gaunt figure: Psst, buddy. Wanna get in on a high-stakes poker game?
- Bush: That's an idea. I warn you, friend. I'm a real cardsharp.
-
- 11 [Later. On a sidewalk grate over a steam vent Bush and 3 bums sit
- in a circle, absorbed in their game.]
- Bush [fans cards at bums]: I win: three aces.
- Bum to left [tosses in hand]: Full house. Take off your apron.
-
- 12 [Much later. A watery sun dawns through a crack in the overcast.
- One bum snores, collapsed on a pile of ladies' undergarments.
- Another dozes, upright, a 3rd is bleary-eyed. Both are half-buried
- in a blizzard of bodices & aprons. A wizened George Bush is clad
- only in huge bloomers. A few raindrops plunk on the grate. Through
- the wrought-iron fence behind them the White House dozes.]
-
- 13 [With a flourish Bush flings down his hand]: Slap!
- Bush: Hah! Five jacks.
- Bum to right: Yawn! Strait flush: five deuces, all spades. Off with
- yer knickers, bub.
-
- 14 [In a downpour, sillouetted against shrubbery, a completely nude figure
- streaks across the White House lawn, screaming.]
-
- Bush: BEAT HIM, HE'S NAKED! BEAT HIM, HE'S NAKED!*
-
-
- FOOTNOTES
-
- 1 George & Martha, are the main characters in Edward Albee's "Who's Afraid
- of Virginia Woolf?"
- 2 Line stolen, with gender altered, from spontaneous chant at 1968 ADA
- (Americans for Democratic Action) meeting. See Jerry Rubin's DO IT!
-
-
- *****************************************************************************
-
-
-
- RUINSBURY 25 "Summer Stock"
-
- by Elliott "vague thermale" Levesque
-
-
- Panel
- No.
- =====
- 1 [July. A lunch counter in Washington, DC. Backs of 2 men in gray
- suits sitting on stools slurping coffee.]
-
- 2 Suit right: George still a runaway?
- Suit left: Yep. Barbara wanted to put him on milk cartons but
- Secret Service nixed the idea. Too many people would know what
- he looks like, and with all the kooks in this country...
-
- 3 Suit right: Ha ha! We could get Robert Stack to do a special
- on him for Unsolved Mysteries.
- Suit left: Who cares? No one misses the creep. Unlike that
- bumbling actor, who never COULD remember his lines yet insisted
- on improvising, Georgie Boy promised to stay out of our hair if
- we let him play with the social legislation.
-
- 4 Suit right: Looks like he kept his word. That look-alike you hired
- any good?
- Suit left: Naw, too liberal!
- Suit right: Folks in the administration like him. Why, they forgot
- he wasn't George after only a couple of days.
-
- 5 Suit left: People are funny. They vote image, so they want a facade.
- As long as you maintain production standards, they're happy.
- Suit right: Isn't the stand-in using George's material from the '80
- primaries?
- Suit left: Yeah, but he tries to "interpret" everything, like some
- stiff just out of drama school. GAO must've pulled him from summer
- stock.
-
- 6 Suit right: What's his name?
- Suit left: Manfred.
- Suit right: Jeez.
- [From under the counter]: Ring! Ring!
-
- 7 [A middle-aged Black woman wearing a lace cap and a white apron over
- a black silk pleated dress lifts a phone onto the counter.]
-
- Waitress [into receiver]: Hello? Dunbar's Coffee Shop. Florence
- speaking.
-
- 8 Florence [hands phoneset to suit left]: It's for you, Mr White.
- Mr White: Thanks, Flo. White speaking. Ms. Bergman, my favorite
- Angeleno! (It's Manfred's agent.) Tinseltown getting scorched?
-
- 9 [Split screen: Bergman & White clutch receivers.]
-
- Bergman: Manfred wants to declare an embargo against the PRC for
- the Tiananmen massacre.
- White: He can't do that!! We've already decided the president's
- position. (Manfred wants to boycott Peking.)
- [Suit Right from offpanel]: God damn bleeding heart!
-
- 10 White: We can't stifle free enterprise or jeopardize the China market.
- Absolutely forbidden. Anything else?
- Bergman: Manfred wants a week's vacation to attend a rodeo in Reno.
- White: Fine, just give Barbara advance notice.
-
- 11 [The Suits leave, White dropping a coin on the counter. A high school
- student enters, a pile of books under one arm.]
-
- White: Theater people. Bye, Flo!
- Student: I'm home, Ma.
-
- 12 Florence: Ell, Lee Park phoned from the Kennedy Center. They need
- you tonight to work on a set.
- Ellington: Great! [Nods toward the door] Ma, why are you so nice
- to those zombies?
-
- 13 Florence: Zombies pay the bills. Been coming here for years.
- Ellington: Sometimes I think this town's one of George Romero's
- bad dreams.
-
-
- *************************************************************************
-
-
- RUINSBURY 26 2nd Annual Thanksgiving Edition - Part 1
-
- "Cold Turkey" by Elliott "Ou sont les neiges d'aujourdhui?" Levesque
-
-
- Panel
- No.
- =====
- 1 [An Aeroflot jet streaks through a blizzard on its descent.]
-
- 2 [A tiny huddle of animals bundled in thick overcoats, muffs and
- towering faux-fur hats, and surrounded by luggage, stands in a snow
- bank, wrapped in fog, occupying a tiny patch of a vast white space.]
-
- 3 [A taxi mounded in snow screeches to a halt just beyond them....]:
- Ssssssqqqqquuuuuueeeeeeeallll! (lurch!)
-
- 4 [....dropping its load of snow on top of them]: Plop!
-
- 5 [Only a gator muzzle, & a dialog balloon, protrude from the mound.]
-
- Albert: Kin you deliver us to th' Gorky Tearoom??
- Voice from cab: Da!
-
- 6 [Inside the taxi Albert, Pogo, Ma'mselle Hepzibah, Mz. Beaver, Porky
- 'pine & Churchy Lafemme are crushed together in the back seat.]
-
- Cabbie [a mink]: Amerikanskii, da?
-
- 7 Mlle. Hepzibah: Oui! Artistes.
- Pogo: We is a fragment o' th' touring company for OGOP!, a musical.
- Mz. Beaver: Goin' to a rend-daze-view wit' our Eye-talian producer.
-
- 8 Cabbie: My name Lavrentii. [Waves a paperback at them] Sell
- MY SECRET LOVES by Kosygin. Very good! Like buy?
- Pogo [frowns]: No, thank'ee.
-
- 9 Lavrentii [waves thicker volume]: Maybe samizdat guide to city toilets?
- Albert [snatches book]: Now that's real handy! So's not to embarass
- present company when you harken to th' call o' nature.
-
- 10 Lavrentii: Hundred rubles.
- Albert: Tarnation! Ain't got no rooples. We hasn't switched our monies.
- Lavrentii: Trade for rugby shirt of little one.
-
- 11 [Mz. Beaver unbuttons Pogo's coat, Churchy yanks off his shirt.]
- Churchy: It's a deal!
- Pogo: Hey, mmmph!
- Mlle. Hepzibah: Pogo, I geev you blouse.
-
-
- FOOTNOTE
-
- 1 Irrelevant observation: it snowed in Massachusetts on Thanksgiving
- eve & morning. Cape Cod got a foot+.
-
-
- ***************************************************************************
-
-
- RUINSBURY 27 "Games of Chance"
-
- by Elliott "bonne hazard" Levesque
-
-
- Panel
- No.
- =====
- 1 [December. Earls Court district of London. Storefront of Pride n'
- Prejudice Bookie Parlor, hung with xmas lights & catenaries of tinsel.
- Taped to one window is a blownup map of Europe, the east portion luridly
- colored, taped to the other a sign with huge block letters that read:]
-
- CHEAT HISTORY!
- PLAY THE
- DOMINOES DERBY
-
- 2 [Inside, a woman with chestnut brown complexion and a jet-black brush
- of hair, decked out in punk finery, talks on the phone.]
- Dark woman: Yeah, we've rated Moldavia. 20-to-1 it secedes, 25-to-1
- it brings back the grand vizier. How much you puttin' down, mate?
-
- 3 [A tall pink-skinned man in Regency silks & tumble of auburn curls sticks
- pins on a huge diagram of the family trees of European royal houses.]
-
- Dark woman: Right, Estonia never had a king. Mick, what's the chart
- for Estonian monarch's dynastic title?
- Michael: Oh, dear. You've raised a most vexing question, Parv'. We
- think Tallinn likes German but opts for Swedish: Caroline 3 to 2,
- Gustav 5 to 4. Et cetera.
-
- 4 Parvati [into receiver]: Short odds, mate. You won't clean up in the
- Baw'tics.
- Michael [fussing]: I pray the Germans don't bring back all those tatty
- halfmad electors. They'll crumble the continent into a fractal.
-
- 5 [A little later.]
- Parvati [hand over receiver]: Cripes, Mick, I've got a bloke who wants
- to put 5 MILLION pounds sterling on Albania!
- Michael: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Most risible.
-
- 6 Parvati: Mick, he's in dead earnest.
- Michael: Oh, dear. Most distressing. 293 to 1, Parv'. The wastrel
- should love those figures.
-
- 7 Parvati [into phone]: We'll need some sort of guarantee. Yeah, that's
- adequate. (He just offered East Texas as security.)
- Michael [perched on stool in a slouch]: Uncommon depressin', how the
- better classes fail to check the profligacy of their offspring.
-
- 8 [Same day. Washington, DC. Office of the Secretary of Altered States,
- a Shadow Cabinet member. H. Ross Perot sits behind a huge desk, eating
- a chili dog on a silver service & talking on the phone. An aide dressed
- as a ninja waits on him.]
-
- SASs: I'll fly over to collect my winnings. G'day.
-
- 9 SASs: Harlan, put the chopper fleet on standby. And clear these dishes.
- Ninja: No problem, Aych Ross!
-
- 10 [Ninja busses]: Clatter, clink, rattle!
- SASs: I want the Spiders at full combat readiness by midnight. Doesn't
- Fred Altman speak Albanian?
- Ninja: Why, I believe so, boss. He won first prize a few years back
- at the Enver Hoxha Invitational in Tirane.
-
- 11 SASs: A chess pro, eh?
- Ninja: No, Aych, it's a spelling bee.
-
-
- *************************************************************************
-
- Your Imaginary Friends at RUINSBURY wish you all
- A HAPPY CHANNUKAH, MERRY CHRISTMAS
- & FROLICSOME YULE
-
- HAPPY NEW DECADE
- MAY YOU HAVE A VERY GAY NINETIES!
-
-
- *************************************************************************
-
- RUINSBURY (approx.) is a lesgay corruption of Gary Trudeau's
- BOOMERSAGA, aka DOONESBURY, minus pictorials. We resume our
- story a year later. 11/26/90
-
- ->0<->0<->0<->0<->0<->0<->0<->0<->0<->0<->0<->0<->0<->0<->0<->0<->0<->0<-
-
-
- 3rd Annual Thanksgiving Edition
-
-
- RUINSBEERY 28 by Elliott "le sportif gentilhomme" Levesque
-
- "After the Miracle"
-
- Panel
- No.
- ---
- 1 [A warm wet & foggy Thanksgiving morn, courtesy of the
- amazonization of New England. A dense ground mist swirls
- beneath wired sprays of treetop. Muffled noises issue
- from within the cloud]: HissTHUMPTHUMPhissBUMPsighHONK!
-
- 2 [Closeup of a cracked & peeling scoreboard, draped with
- leathery ivy, along whose top one lizard scrambles after
- another]:
-
- Hi Tech Hi School Football Classic
-
- Period 1 2 3 4 F
-
- Bournemouth Algorithmics 2 2 2
- Assawompsett Entrepreneurs 2 2 2
-
- DR NK MOX E!
-
- 3 [A pan of the stands behind the Algorithmics bench. Cheerleaders in
- jumpsuits dirtied with partial derivatives twist & shout as a block
- of disheveled fans intones]: Kick those Ass'es!
-
- 4 [Angleshot of stands in back of the Entrepreneurs bench. Cheerleaders
- hula in skirts made of shredded junkbonds while a dozen rows of fans
- in sleeveless doublebreasted thermal jackets chant into cordless
- phones]: Shut those 'mouths. Shut those 'mouths.
-
- 5 ['rithmics stands again: frowning cheerleaders hoist placards over
- their heads that spell]: K I L L T H E M
-
- 6 [A few rows above the Treppie bench, a closeup: on the aisle a 40ish
- man, next to him a 40ish woman, he in a cracking black leather jacket,
- knotted silk scarf and sock cap, peering through Swedish Army field
- glasses; she in a faded Italian ski sweater unravelling at the wrists
- and a battered fedora shoved down over her brow. She glances with
- mild disapproval at a grizzled man beside her in a stained flakjacket.]
-
- Flakjacket [grimaces]: Drown those spreadsheet mucksuckers! Punt 'em
- to the Shatt al-Ayrab!
-
- 7 [As Fedora stares icily ahead, Flakjacket swigs from a lunchbag]:
- Ssslurp!
-
- Silkscarf [to Fedora]: Duncan Carob, systems architect. Out of work
- since June. Very bright guy.
- Fedora [to Silkscarf]: Fortunately not from 'wompsett.
-
- 8 [We can see people in the row directly behind them: two 30ish women
- flank a very tall girl, the one on her left in a football helmet
- with dangling chinstrap, the other in a frayed deerstalker. The
- girl wears an orange rainslicker with "Isaac Favored Fallen Fruit"
- lettered in blue across it.]
-
- A flushed fan in front of Carob: Numb those nerds, hic!, with a
- Baghdad bonsai!
- Carob [leaning forward]: Yep, I'd say that Trep front line's good
- for about 3 flowerpower.
-
- 10 Fan [turning]: Why, Dunk, you old bitpincher. Ulp! Consorting
- with the enemy before dinner?
- Carob: Protecting my investments. Sowing discord and spying for
- Coach Crossbar. Still selling sensors to the Shi'ites, Taylor?
-
- 11 Taylor: Nope. Laid off las' month.
- Carob [claps Taylor on the shoulder]: Welcome to the country club,
- Mr. Turbinado! Watch out for that 19th hole---it's a bitch.
- [fieldwards] CHASE `EM TO BULGARIA!
-
- Fedora: This is depressing.
- From offpanel right: Womp, womp, womp, womp.
-
- 12 [Beside Turbinado are 2 young men in faux-raccoon coats studiously
- ignoring him. Up the aisle comes a teenager in a tux flanked by a
- middle-aged woman & man in woolens hefting bursting briefcases.]
-
- Teen [touts]: Send a Treppie to Yale. Play the varsity betting
- pool. Check out our pointspreads.
-
- 13 Teen [to Silkscarf]: Sir, would you like to place a bet? We also
- have state lottery forms. Doris or Kyle can take your selection.
- Silkscarf: Disgraceful! Racketeering for college.
- Doris: All lottery proceeds benefit SOY (Save Our Yups), the
- emergency fund for unemployed computer professionals.
- Kyle: Like us.
-
- 14 Raccoon coat right [turning]: Dad, they're worthy causes.
- Raccoon coat left: I don't believe it.
- Teen: Sir, everyone's doing it. So we won't have to sell our
- grandparents junkbonds or underwater condos to pay back our
- student loans.
-
- 15 Kyle: He's right, folks. My son Warren had to indenture himself
- to Century 21 when they assumed his personal debts. With today's
- real estate market, he'll be lucky if he's sold his quota when
- he's my age.
- Doris: Would you like to buy a ticket to the Hacker's Ball?
-
- [continued]
-
-
- NOTE: Inclusion of games of chance as a story element above does not
- in any way constitute an endorsement of gambling or team sports.
-
-
- *************************************************************************
-
-
- [Starred items have footnotes.]
-
-
- 3rd Annual Thanksgiving Edition (cont.)
-
-
- REUNSBARRY 29 by Elliott "le scrimmage rouge" Levesque
-
- "Romancing the Oblate Spheroid"
-
-
- Panel
- No.
- ---
- 1 [Midfield. Still Thanksgiving morn at the Hi Tech Hi School Football
- Classic. Headlights from ambulances spotlight a deli-sandwich mound
- of players that radiates groans. Paramedics ferry prone footballers
- on stretchers. Treads arc across 5-yard lines. Mist swirls.]
- Human mass: Grunt! Moan! Owww! Nnnh! Wheeze! Mmmf! Cough, cough!
- Oooh!
-
- 2 [A limping player props up another who hops on his shoed foot. A
- third swaggers in pain behind them, hand flattened against thorax.
- 2 paramedics hustle a stretcher past them with a bareheaded player
- on it, forearm over his face. In the background a smaller body pile
- rises in the fog.]
-
- Hopper: Ouch! Let's see, 2 broken toes, maybe a fractured kneecap.
- I can taste blood. Mmmthp. All choppers reporting for duty.
- Limper: I thigk by dode id broked agaid.
- Straggler: Aaaah! Damn, I inhaled. Left side's on fire. I'd say
- 3 more bruised ribs.
-
- 3 Hopper [turns head]: Way to go, man! That's 9, isn't it? You're
- gonna break Bruno Splint's record.
- Stretchercase: Mom? Dad? Where am I? MOM!
- Paramedic: After we dump him, there's 3 more.
-
- 4 [Closeup of Treppie stands: two 30ish women flank a very tall girl,
- the one on her left in a football helmet with dangling chinstrap,
- the other in a frayed deerstalker. The girl wears an orange rain-
- slicker with "Isaac* Favored Fallen Fruit" lettered in blue across
- it.]
-
- Helmet: Well, the wimp finally got his war.
- Deerstalker: And we paid for it with 2 years of nothing.
-
- 5 Helmet: I wouldn't call 2 more years of the House of Reagan nothing,
- Sher.
- Deerstalker: Dimples, George One has the nerve of a slug and the
- brains of a gnat. All he can do is swarm and sting.
- Very Tall Girl: [a dance of digits]
-
- 6 Helmet [to panel's ceiling]: Hey, can't Levesque learn ASL*?
- Deerstalker: Right on, Kath!
-
- 7 Very Tall Girl: [fists and judo chops]
- Helmet and Deerstalker: GROAN!
-
- 8 [The Treppie bench. One player is helmeted, with mohawk sprouting
- through a slit along the top. The rest are bareheaded and have no
- necks, except for a tousled blond down on all fours, combing the
- grass with his fingers.]
-
- Benchwarmer [to blond]: I saw some critters at the 50-yard line,
- Horton.
- Horton: Thank goddess we can't afford astroturf. I scarfed some
- campanoti* under the stands.
-
- 9 Benchwarmer: Rookie, you're mighty strange, but we love ya!
- Horton: Gotta maintain my levels of formic acid, Rubba.
-
- 10 [An airborne mass of 5 players & a bobbling pigskin crash into
- the Treppie bench, as a 50ish man, with crewcut in ballooning
- garments stuck with decals, slaps their derrieres with a dripping
- paintbrush. His other hand grasps a swinging bucket of paint,
- dayglo chartreuse.]
-
- Benchwarmers [diving]: Scatter!
- Crewcut: SWAB THOSE BUTTS! Ha, ha! That's 2 more tagged. Where's
- Rubberduck?
-
- 11 Neckless player: Przeprasem* reporting, coach. We'll punt.
- D-squad is ready.
- Coach [hands him brush & pail]: Here, Rubba, take this. Remember:
- asses & thighs. And don't miss their backfield.
-
- 12 [A quarterback crouches doggie-style over a center, head turned in
- profile, nostrils flaring, ear to small of back, arms buried under
- linesman in an imploring gesture. Across quarterback's shoulders
- "QUEERBOY" is written in block letters.]
-
- Quarterback: Zeta, eff, of ex, sub eye....
- Off-field voice: Cream 'em, Colin!
-
- 13 [Midfield again. Headlights from ambulances blaze on a pastrami
- of players oozing groans. Paramedics ferry prone footballers on
- stretchers. Treads arc across 5-yard lines. Mist swirls.]
-
- Human mass: Grunt. Moan. Owww. Nnnh. Wheeze. Mmmf. Cough, cough.
- Oooh.
-
- 14 [Next to ambulance a man in worsteds wears a stethoscope, brow mirror,
- and hefts a large flashlight. He talks to a man in a plasticized
- jumpsuit embroidered with the integral of Crossbar.]
-
- Doctor: Most of the brain damage is recoverable. But the foot's
- mangled. He'll be in therapy for months, Curt.
- Crossbar: But ready for next fall? He's only a junior, Doc Coffins.
-
- TO BE CONTINUED
-
- FOOTNOTES
-
- 1 Isaac Newton.
- 2 American Sign Language.
- 2 Surname pronounced "pzhe-pra-shem," I think.
- 3 Carpenter ants.
-
-
- ********************************************************************
-
-
- Emergency Edition
-
-
- RUINSBURY 30 by Elliott "levant garde" Levesque
-
- "War on Wednesday"
-
- Panel
- No.
- ---
- 1 [Monday, January 14th, 1981. In the desert outside al-Mubarraz,
- northeast of Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. Inside a tent with open sides,
- canvas violently flapping in a stiff wind: a mustached American
- captain pores over maps spread on a card table. A whiskered corporal
- peers over his shoulder.]
-
- Captain: To reach Kuwait, Phil, we only have to wade through layers
- of Syrians, Egyptians, Saudis & Kuwaitis, Moroccans, Pakistanis,
- Bangladeshis, Nigerese & Senegalese at the border.*
- Corporal: Rick, Colonel Tariq Alawi, the Syrian commander of the
- Qurdaha regiment at the border, will let us pass through only if
- we promise not to enter Iraq. Otherwise he'll admit only Saudis
- & Kuwaitis.
-
- 2 Rick: So we get multiplexed by Syria at the border? Hi tech warfare.
- What about the Egyptians? What will they do?
- Phil: A song & dance. They're entertaining allied troops with a
- variety review tonight. There's a drag queen from Port Said lip-
- synching as Nefertiti and a punk rock group from Alexandria, the
- King Farouks.
-
- 3 [A lieutenant enters & salutes, a thick computer printout under one arm.]
-
- Lieutenant: Left-tenant Evelyn Hill reporting with divisional battle
- orders, Captain Orth, sir!
- Captain Richard Orth: At ease, Ev.
- Corporal: Practicing your Oxford accent, Hill?
-
- 4 Hill: Subroutine 259, calling program "air assault"... Shall I orally
- list the code, sir?
- Orth: No way! In plain English, Ev, if you could. And, please, I'm
- Rick, not Sir.
- Hill: Very good, sir!
- Orth: Better take notes, Corporal Laconick.
-
- 5 Hill: First, global conditions: US & Canada move to border, picking up
- UK & France. Syria and Belgium won't enter Kuwait. Egypt won't enter
- Iraq. French & Italians won't fly. Saudis & Kuwaitis won't wait for
- us to cross....
-
- 6 [An hour later.]
-
- Hill: That's all, Captain.
- Orth: Piece of cake.
- Hill: It's tactically impeccable, sir.
-
- 7 Laconick: What if this glorious shuffle takes place after dark?
- Hill: Huh?
- Laconick: Hill, the sands aren't paved with fluorescent hexagons.
- Orth: Thanks, Ev. Dismissed.
-
- 8 [2 women, a sargeant & private, enter, saluting. Hill leaves with
- printout.]
-
- Rick: Billy Joe, Patty. What's up?
- Patty: Private Fiesole here just kicked some Wahhabi* ass.
- Billy: Sargeant Kaufman means I righteously chastised a snotty little
- religious cop. The mutawain* mutant tried to fondle my calves.
-
- 9 Rick: Jeez. Another incident. Liaison's gonna scream. Patty, next
- time just walk away. Don't say or do anything.
- Patty: Damn. Alright. But it goes against my grain.
- Billy Joe: Rick, there's been more anti-Semitic incidents & sexual
- harassment of women in B regiment. Some drill instructors are
- using lingerie ads for bayonet practice.
-
- 10 Phil: 13 recruits in our regiment assaulted 2 MPs this morning for
- no apparent reason. The 2 are kabuki.
- Rick: Isn't HQ monitoring Nazi skinheads?
-
- 11 Phil: We're all skinheads here, Rick. Word is the skins are recruit-
- ing. Between fundies, Klan and NRA* they could have hundreds of symps
- in our division alone. Intelligence says there's talk about fragging*
- g&l* officers. Supply's missing hundreds of automatics & ammo.
- Rick [throws down papers]: That's just fucking wonderful!
-
- 12 Billy Joe: Shit. And Israel's admitted it has no real defense against
- Iraqi missiles. They're relying on US pilots taking out missile sites
- in western Iraq. It's only 300 miles to Tel Aviv and the missiles have
- a range of 390-550 miles. Cairo is only a couple hundred miles more
- in the same direction.
- Patty: If Iraq clusters 30 missiles with chemical or germ warheads to
- hit a small area in a surprise attack and they fall near Tel Aviv, it
- could be horrific.
-
- 13 Phil: Then Israel may retaliate with Jerichos armed with nuclear bombs:
- bye bye, Baghdad. It's worst-case, but....
- Rick: And Bush simply must have a war now.
-
- 14 [An MP enters & salutes.]
-
- MP: Good news, Captain Orth. We caught the thieves. They're all
- NRA types.
- Rick: Why did they raid the depot?
-
- 15 MP: The idiots said we'd never use all those weapons, Arabs would
- steal them anyway, and they only wanted souvenirs. They said they
- were gun hobbyists and would take good care of them.
- Phil: How considerate. Save those objets d'art from the sand.
-
- 16 [Sunset: Patty, Billy Joe, Phil & Rick are in sillouette against
- a burning sky.]
-
- Phil: So, guys, do you think we'll see the desert turn to glass?
-
-
- FOOTNOTES
-
- 1 The armies are layered for political reasons. Islamic forces hug
- the Kuwait border. Behind them is a pocket of French, to the south
- a large blob of Americans, studded with Canadians and an island of
- Brits. Turkey and Syria have huge forces along their borders with
- Iraq.
-
- 2 King Fahd's theocracy is Wahhabi, an Arabian tribe whose puritanical
- revolt in a previous century eventually resulted in the fundamentalist
- Saudi state. Riyadh is the largest city in the Wahhabi region.
-
- 3 Mutawain are Saudi religious police, all male, who publically & privately
- enforce strict observance of fundamentalist religious law. Eg, they
- carry small whips to strike the calves of women whose skirts aren't
- ankle-length.
-
- 4 National Rifle Association.
-
- 5 "Fragging" is murder of officers by their own troops; it was common
- among American GIs during the Indochina War.
-
- 6 g&l = "gay and lesbian"
-
-
- ********************************************************************
-
-
- 3rd Annual Thanksgiving Edition (cont.) plus War Cartoon
-
-
- REUNSBARRY 31 by Elliott "le chien irlandais" Levesque
-
- "Huddle, Hurdle and Hurtle"
-
- Panel
- No.
- ---
- 1 [It's still Thanksgiving morning. We're in the 'rithmics stands now:
- a couple in pea-jackets & yurt*-shaped lambswool caps. He holds leashes
- to 2 Irish wolfhounds who strain fieldwards, ears cocked. She pours
- steaming liquid from a thermos.]
-
- PJ-female: Here, Boris, have some hot buttered kvas*.
- PJ-male: Not now, Natalie. I can barely restrain the dogs. Roald,
- Ingolf, stop pulling!
-
- 2 Natalie: They've been restless since halftime.
- Boris: Something's spooked them. [Lurches.] Did you see that,
- Nattie? A green flash, down on the field. It's gone now.
- Natalie: On second thought, maybe I should drink it.
-
- 3 [Behind Algorithmics' bench: bracketing a hunched row of neckless
- teens is coach Curt Crossbar, and his quarterback, bulging shoulders
- stencilled with "QUEERBOY", hand on hip, weight on one foot. A man
- in snapon tie and awry suit rushes up.]
-
- 4 Man awry [frantically pumps Queerboy's arm in handshake]: I'm
- Franklin Face, sports reporter for the Weekly Retch. Great
- quarterbacking, Queerboy! Will you continue your rushing game?
- Queerboy [eyes narrowing/coldly]: That's "cur bee," pronounced
- the same as "kay eye are bee why."
-
- 5 Face: Gee, I'm sorry, Kooweer---Colin.
- Queerboy [turns to Crossbar]: As for OUR offense, do we have any
- running backs left who can walk, Curt?
-
- 6 [Apotheosis: a wheel of faces, all but one helmeted, stares out,
- wreathed by mist. Ants-eye view of a Treppie huddle.]
-
- Face: We're gonna fake 'em out. You take the snap, Poland---
- Horton: Roger, Roger.
- Roger: ---then lateral to me, and I pass long to Stickyfingers.
-
- 7 Stickyfingers [croons]: I'll....BE there.... for you, Ro.
- [Twisting, they snap fingers in unison]: Cnick, cnick!
- Roger: Let's do it!
-
- 8 [A rumble of movement: behind 'womp' linesmen squatting against the
- shock of looming 'rithmics leaping like bulls, the backfield canters,
- listing to one side, as Horton corkscrews the ball to Roger, hands
- armatured* open.]
-
- 9 [In a stance like Zeus Roger hurls the pigskin into the fog as the
- teams smash into each other, scattering equipment, and the backfield
- asymptotically escapes]: Fling! SLAM! Snap, crackle, pop!
-
- CONTINUED
-
- FOOTNOTES
-
- 1 A Mongolian tent, circular, with a roof shaped like a curly brace.
- 2 Beer made from Russian black bread.
- 3 Armatures are iron rods inside the joints of a statue that support
- its limbs.
-
- ******************* mandatory war cartoon ******************************
- Hot From Riyadh NoNews Central
- Manic Motifs presents
- "All Quiet On The Eastern Front"
- 1 [Briefing room in the Ritz Riyadh.]
- General Schwarzkopf: Any questions? [pointing] Yes?
- Reporter: Herb Quake, Obseqious Wire Service. Sir, why aren't we
- getting any information from the front?
- 2 Schwarzkopf: Don't know, Herb. That's outside my province. I'll
- hand it over to my Adjutant Factbuster. Captain Crunch?
- 3 Factbuster Crunch: Why? Because you don't deserve any. Besides we
- own the rights to the information and telling you would be in poor
- taste.
- Quake: Then why do you hold these daily briefings?
- 4 Crunch: To manage your ignorance.
- Schwarzkopf: Har, har! That's all, folks.
-
-
- ********************************************************************
-
-
- 2/19/91: In conformity to Directive No. 273-0045-839-4F of the Office
- of War Propaganda*, Imageless Animation Division, Department of Commerce,
- we now bring you 2 short subjects and a tactical weather report.
-
- Patriotic Bumper Stickers
-
- **************************
- * Loose hips sink ships. *
- **************************
-
- ****************************
- * "I want your body." *
- * --- Your uncle Sam *
- ****************************
-
- *************************
- * "Don't eat Iraq, man. *
- * --- Bart Simpson *
- *************************
-
-
- RUINSBURY 32 "War Cartoons With Weather Report"
-
- by Elliott "L'histoire du soldat" Levesque
-
-
- Panel
- No.
- =====
-
- Hot From Riyadh NoNews Central:
-
- Funny Fugues presents
- "Displaced Persons"
-
- 1 [Pete Williams & a platoon of Factbusters enter the briefing room at
- the Ritz Riyadh as reporters murmur.]
- 2 Williams: Ladies and gentleman, I have an announcement. The allies
- hereby declare that the war is over. There will be no more briefings.
- King Fahd has issued free first-class air tickets to all members of
- the foreign press corps. He thanks you for your loyalty.
- 3 Reporter from Nonesuch News Network: But I'm on assignment!
- Factbuster Paul Schredder: His Majesty has revoked all visas, as of
- the day after tomorrow.
- 4 Reporter from Rooters Wire Service: Who won?
- Williams: We did.
- Reporter from Agence Pressed Duck: Does Baghdad know it?
- Factbuster Skip Solvent: Yes, we broadcast it on CNN at lunchtime.
- 5 NNN reporter: So we're not going to push Iraq out of Kuwait?
- Williams: Of course we are. The land assault begins after midnight
- tomorrow.
- APD reporter: Then the war isn't over!
- 6 Williams: Oh, yes it is.
- Factbuster Schredder: That's all, folks. Have a pleasant flight.
-
- ****************************
-
- Hot From Riyadh NoNews Central:
-
- CRAZY CANONS presents
- "Casualties of Peace"
-
- 1 [In the sacristy, antechamber to the briefing room at the Ritz
- Riyadh. Pete Williams stands at a pinball machine, attentive to
- the clangor of its bells & whistles. Captain Crunch enters in a
- rapid stride.]
- 2 Crunch: Bad news, sir. We lost 5 Factbusters at the border.
- Williams: Did they step on a syllogism?
- 3 Crunch: No, sir. They were on a mission to take out a data nest
- when their flight of fancy was downed by a tautology launched
- from a logic battery.
- Williams: Were they captured?
- 4 Crunch: No, sir, they were refuted.
- Williams: Damn!
- 5 Crunch: They'd survived the crash by issuing official denials, but
- their suits were ruptured and they were exposed to lethal doses of
- empiricism.
- Williams: Well, at least they were spared being prisoners of truth.
-
- ********************* Tactical Weather Report* ************************
-
- brought to you by Avalon Hill, makers of fine war games for civilians.
- AH "helps you make war better."
-
- 1 [In front of a molten matte background like Jupiter's gas clouds
- stands a pencil-miked meteorologist, with pastry-dough coif and
- shortsleeved fatigues painted like Jammies (R).]
- Weatherwizard: Hank Hairspray with today's forecast. First the Mideast.
- 2 [The background clears like melting ice, revealing a glaring satellite
- fractal of terracotta deserts sewn with silver rivers and nestling pools
- of aquamarine.
- Hairspray: It's a beautiful day for bombing! Today the region will
- have blue skies with 150-mile visibility . Baghdad will be a temperate
- 65 degrees Fahrenheit with a refreshing breeze off the Tigris River.
- 3 [Background zooms through a barrel-rolling 3D animation of Baghdad
- from the air, the Rashid Hotel rapidly growing on the horizon.]
- Hairspray: There'll be fine viewing for western correspondents.
- Those naughty cumulo-nimbus that are so upsetting for our pilots
- and strategic planners will be nowhere in sight.
- 4 [Background is painted with a gun-metal gray smear like dirty snow
- dolloped with the blackened pendants of the Great Lakes.]
- Hairspray: Now the Midwest. I'm afraid that wonderful toasty weather
- we've been enjoying thanks to Global Warming has been driven out by
- a nasty arctic air mass barreling down from Hudson's Bay.
- [Sound effect of howling wind]: Screeeeeeeech!
- 5 [Behind Hairspray is a huge photo of upright corpses in Lake Erie
- encased in ice to their navels.]
- Hairspray: The city of Toledo has frozen solid, killing 71 vacationers
- at the beach. The mayor of Indianapolis has cancelled the Walk for
- War at the Speedway, turning away some 12 and one half million walkers.
- 6 [Background displays a frightened-looking man encrusted with medals.]
- Hairspray: Tomorrow I'll be joined by special guest General Walt Walt,
- chairman of the Remote Sensing Department at the National War College.
- 'til then, sportsfans, happy gaming!
-
- FOOTNOTES
-
- 1 Finally someone is contesting the unprecedented censorship of the 2nd
- Gulf War: believe it or not, Walter Cronkhite will bring the matter
- before Congress.
- 2 I kid you not. Each morning CNN broadcasts a Middle East weather
- report before the North American one.
-
-
- ********************************************************************
-