NetNews Usenet Archive 1993 #3

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Internet Message Format | 1993-01-28 | 31.3 KB

Path: sparky!uunet!charon.amdahl.com!amdahl!rtech!pacbell.com!ames!sun-barr!cs.utexas.edu!uwm.edu!spool.mu.edu!hri.com!noc.near.net!news.bbn.com!news.bbn.com!news From: rrizzo@BBN.COM (Ron Rizzo) Newsgroups: soc.motss Subject: Goodbye? Anyway, here's kElvIn anD hIbbS Summary: loooNg, soRta Message-ID: <lmej1vINNeen@news.bbn.com> Date: 28 Jan 93 03:00:15 GMT Reply-To: rrizzo@BBN.COM (Ron Rizzo) Organization: Bolt Beranek and Newman Inc., Cambridge MA Lines: 943 NNTP-Posting-Host: archive.bbn.com Folks, I may be laid off tomorrow or Friday and lose net access. If I am, I don't know when next I'll have access. Soooooo.....here's the compleat kElvIn anD hIbbS archive. I'd guess I'd rather be remembered for comix (without pictures) than mere opinions. Still, I'll feel naked without my electronic soapbox. (Sniff!) Kelvin says goodbye. Hibbs says goodbye. So does Lucy Gherkins and Jules. Not to mention RoBork. If I get the boot, then I'll see you all someday in the as-yet unknowable future. It's been a fascinating 9 years reading/writing net.motss and soc.motss. Gay regards, Ron Rizzo ************************* it sTartS heAr ***************************** tHE kOmPLeAt KElvIn anD hIbbS ============================= EXPLANATORY NOTE: Why Does He Do It? gay("Calvin & Hobbes") -> "Kelvin & Hibbs". May Bill Watterson forgive me. A brief history: In the fall of 1987, due extreme agitprop fatigue over the Bork nomination, I succumbed to silliness by drawing a ripoff of my favorite comicstrip, gleefully contaminating it with partisan politics. After a while, I found myself "gayifing" it, bringing out the inherent sandbox homoeroticism I fancied I glimpsed in the kid/tiger bond, and getting even with Watterson for the atavism of Calvin's generic putdowns of females and "sissies", which the cartoonist apparently believes are compulsory for being a holy terror. Sloth that I am, my uneven graphics disappeared after the first installment and I've contented myself with stuffing for dialogue balloons and "stage directions" indicating the action in each panel. Below are all sixteen "strips" to date. If some lines sound familiar, it's because I've plagiar- ized them from various gay raconteurs I've met in my chequered career. Ron Rizzo *************************************************************************** *************************************************************************** KElvIn anD hIbbS by Will Watergun (pseud.) "Order in the Court!" Panel No. 1 ===== 1 [A lawn laid for croquet. Hibbs knocks his ball]: POCK! [through the final 2 hoops, hitting the goal]: TOCK! Hibbs [musically yet insufferably]: I win (again)! 2 Kelvin [hand on waist, mallet dragging on ground, railing]: CHEATER! Croquet was never meant for tigers! (*) (*) Note: this is an assertion of "original intent." 3 Hibbs [leaning chin on mallet, grinning]: I'll have you know, pint-size, that I'm personally opposed to the Bork nomination. Kelvin [fist raised]: Oh, YEAH? Well, I'm FOR Bork, straw-butt!! 4 Hibbs [paw on Kelvin's head, scrutinizing him at arm's length]: Hmmpf! You're HARDLY a model of restraint, judicial or otherwise. 5 Kelvin [shouting]: OUT of order, you striped sophist! [He swings his mallet into a mud puddle next to them]: SPLAT! [leaving both of them dripping with mud.] 6 Kelvin [mallet on shoulder, finger raised, marching away]: From now on, we play strictly according to HOYLE! 7 Hibbs [sniffing a mud-soaked rose]: Mallet mouth--- "He was a cruel man, but fair!" ******************************************************************** KElvIn anD hIbbS by Will Watergun (pseud.) "AIeee! Here Comes RoBork!" Panel No. 1 ===== 1 [Noises off] BANG! BANG! RAP! BANG! Hibbs [crossing panel]: Abandoned the royal game (*), eh, Kelvin? 2 Kelvin [hammering old boards & nails]: I'm applying my knowledge of AI to create a synthetic duplicate of Judge Robert Bork! 3 Hibbs: What's "aye-eye"? Kelvin: Artificial intelligence, stupid! 4 Hibbs: Ah....what you and el Presidente need a lot of. Kelvin: Har-de-har-har! It's my science fair project. I call him "RoBork". 5 Kelvin [declaiming]: RoBork will possess all the judge's qualities, but will be eligible for nomination in his own right. 6 Hibbs [making a face]: Ick! Is the nation ready for that? Will it ever be? Kelvin: Hey! I'm banking on him getting me into Carnegie Mellon! (*) That is, croquet, favored by the Queen of Hearts. ******************************************************************** KElvIn anD hIbbS by Will Watergun (pseud.) "Baron Doktor" Panel No. 1 ===== 1 Kelvin & RoBork [marching in tight formation, chanting]: RoBork! RoBork! [RoBork looks like a large nutcracker with Robert H. Bork's face, wispy beard, wild hair, crazy eyes, & blue serge jacket.] 2 Hibbs [leaning on brick wall, overlooking scene]: Tsk, tsk! How puerile! G.I. Joe male bonding! 3 Kelvin [whipping his head around]: IS THAT SOME KIND OF DEROGATORY REMARK? [RoBork also casts an anxious glance at Hibbs.] 4 Hibbs [soft & menacing]: You know, Mary Shelley thought the doctor and the monster had a thing for each other. Kelvin [fearfully]: HUH?? 5 Hibbs [smiling viciously]: They were GAY.... Kelvin [wide-eyed with terror]: You mean (GASP!)....! 6 Hibbs [matter-of-factly]: ....like you and me. 7 Kelvin [bemused]: Ohhh....hey, that's neat! 8 [Both beaming, Kelvin and Hibbs embrace in a sunburst of radial hatching.] ******************************************************************** KElvIn anD hIbbS in "Tigrr Rags" by Will Watergun (pseud.) Panel No. 1 ===== 1 Kelvin [clutching at Hibbs]: Can I meet your tigrr friends? Can I? PLEEEZE! 2 Hibbs [relenting]: Oh....all right. But....those clothes [fingering Kelvin's shirtsleeve] --- they're so PUERILE! 3 Hibbs [grabbing Kelvin's arm]: Let me dress you. Kelvin [pulling away]: NOOO! DON'T you touch me! 4 [Later: a clubroom full of Tigrrs. They are huge, with large heads, massive shoulders & paws, rippling muscles, & chin whiskers. They all wear dresses. They gab while they file their nails. A basket by the door bears the sign "Emery boards: please take one"] 5 Tigrr 1: Oh, there's Kitty, that showy faux-sabertooth, who thinks she has Clark Gable's ears. Tigrr 2: With the snow leopard, such a social butterfly! 6 [Enter Kelvin with Hibbs who wears a housecoat & bunny slippers & a towel wrapped like a turban on his head. Kelvin is dressed like a witch doctor: tiger ears fastened by strings tied under his chin, a peltlike cape with tail falling behind, a stick in each hand ending in a phoney claw. A little black cloud forms over his head.] 7 Hibbs: Fellas, I'd like you to meet my sother. [Aside to Kelvin] Don't drop your claws, dear. 8 [Tigrrs gather round.] A Tigrr: Pretty puny for a better half! Another Tigrr [to Kelvin, gushing]: I just LOVE a tigrr in a frock! Don't you? Kelvin [muttering]: (I feel castrated!) 9 Yet Another Tigrr: Darling, you look positively ferocious! Hibbs [to Kelvin]: That's quite a compliment, coming from a tigrr! 10 Kelvin [igniting]: YOU'RE ALL JUST A BUNCH OF....LOAFERS!! 11 Great Siberian [closeup: huge eyes, glistening fangs]: Da? So judgmental, kitten! I am Vatslav, great siberian. Hmm. [studies Kelvin] Your geometry is rather schematic, pobrecito. 12 Kitty: I know this wonderful cosmetic cartoonist. He's left- handed, you know. He did wonders for Toy here. 13 [Pan to Toy, whose face is so poorly drawn he looks like a stuffed animal.] 14 [Unable to contain himself any longer, Kelvin lunges at Kitty.] A Tigrr [to Kelvin]: Go get 'em, tiger! 15 [A general melee ensues, the scene reduced to a wheel-like cloud of violence vectors spiked by fists, feet, tails, & grimaces.] 16 Kitty [proclaiming to Kelvin above the fray]: NOW you're a tiger! 17 [Later: the clubroom, empty except for Kelvin who's lying prostrate on his back with a contented smile, and Hibbs who leans over him.] 18 Hibbs [tentative]: So....how did you like my friends? Kelvin: Fa-a-abulous! ******************************************************************** KElvIn anD hIbbS in "True Confessions" by Will Watergun (pseud.) Panel No. 1 ===== 1 [On a rug Kelvin sits & Hibbs lies on his stomach. They are playing Kelvin's favorite board game, "Autopsy: The Disassembly Game."] 2 Kelvin: You have such WEIRD friends! Hibbs [looking up]: I beg your pardon? 3 Kelvin [mildly whining]: Why don't you know any NORMAL tigrrs? You know, ones who play racquetball or own VCRs? 4 Hibbs: Is our little debaucher having regrets? 5 Kelvin [exploding]: YOU FUR-FACED FREAK!! 6 Hibbs [quietly]: Aren't you the little boy who calls himself Madame Tussaud and runs a bordello for his two dozen Barbi dolls? [Kelvin is horror-struck.] 7 Kelvin [on his knees, in passionate entreaty]: NOOO! PLEEEZE! Don't tell! I'll do anything! ANYthing! I'll even model bras for cheetahs! 8 Hibbs [cradling his chin in a paw, & tapping his lips with a claw]: Well, I know a panther who designs pantyhose.... Kelvin [draping Hibbs' tail like an expensive necklace across the palms of his hands & kissing it]: KISS! KISS! SMACK! KISS! ******************************************************************** KElvIn anD hIbbS in "Coming Out" by Will Watergun (pseud.) Panel No. 1 ===== 1 [A living room. Mom knits, Dad reads the newspaper. Enter Kelvin, dragging Hibbs behind him.] 2 Kelvin: Mom, Dad! Hibbs & I have something important to tell you. Mom: Yes, Kelvin. What is it? 3 Kelvin: Hibbs & I are lovers! We're both homosexual. Mom [without looking up]: That's nice, dear. 4 Kelvin [explaining]: We've been j.o. buddies ever since we met in the Men's Room at the Zoo, but now we realize it's gone beyond mere animal lust. 5 [No response whatsoever, so....] 6 Kelvin [deploying himself in the Tigrr's arms in a posture of abandon & kissing him on the mouth, glancing up as he does so to see if his parents are taking it all in]: SMOOCH! 7 Kelvin [exiting with a cheer, trailing Hibbs]: We're gay & proud! 8 Mom [rolling her eyes in mock disbelief]: What WILL he dream up next? Dad: Beats me! 9 [In the next room, Kelvin scowls & Hibbs smiles tolerantly.] Kelvin: I don't BELIEVE it! They didn't even ask if we use rubbers! ******************************************************************** KElvIN anD hIbbS in "Zap!" by Will Watergun (pseud.) Panel No. 1 ===== 1 Susie [approaching]: Hi, Kelvin! Hi, Hibbs! 2 Kelvin [bragging]: Susie, guess what? I'm GAY! 3 Susie: Hmm. [Gives Kelvin the once-over.] Despite your exhuberant pranks and outbursts of spleen, I don't find you especially merry, carefree, or brightly colored. 4 Susie [circling Kelvin]: And your social pleasures are distinctly unpleasant. (*) All in all, I'd say you're a rather solemn little boy. [Exits.] 5 Kelvin [shouting after her]: You BIGOT!! I'll turn you in to the NGTF! 6 [Indoors. Kelvin's on the phone, Hibbs listens in.] Kelvin: Hello, Dr. Voeller? This is Kelvin. Voice on phone: Hello, Kelvin. 7 Kelvin: I'd like to report a homophobe, Susie Derkins, She lives at 24 Pinetree Drive. When can you have her picked up? Hibbs [to Kelvin]: Aren't you over-reacting? (*) Thanks to W9NCD, ie, Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary, 9th Edition. ******************************************************************** KElvIN anD hIbbS in "Anxiety Attack" by Will Watergun (pseud.) Panel No. 1 ===== 1 [Hibbs sits on the floor, playing with blocks.] Kelvin [running pell-mell into room]: HIIIIIBBS! Susie says I'm not GAY! 2 Hibbs [rolling eyes]: Whatever made her think that? Kelvin [falling to his knees in front of Hibbs]: Help me, quick! I know some tests! 3 Kelvin [bugs out his eyes]: Are my pupils dilating? Hibbs [peering through huge magnifying glass]: What pupils? 4 Kelvin [extending one hand, holding other against forehead]: Take my pulse! Hibbs [starting to camp]: You have one, Count Yorga? 5 Kelvin [exasperated, pushing his face close to Hibbs']: AM I FLUSHED?? Hibbs [demurely]: Hard to say, heart-throb, since your normal condition is apoplexy. You're the only kid I know whose face resembles his favorite breakfast cereal. 6 Kelvin [recoiling angrily]: At least mine isn't covered with fuzz like a moldy slice of bread! You probably aren't gay yourself! Hibbs: Am so. With tigers, it's easy to tell. It's all in the tail. 7 Kelvin [with great scorn]: That's ridiculous. Hibbs: If it's long enough to use as a jump rope, then you're gay. 8 Kelvin [flamboyantly]: You're SO-O-OO absurd! Hibbs: Besides, if I'm not, you're not. PHHHTHHH! [<-raspberry]. 9 Kelvin [looking horrified]: GROAN! I never thought of that! ******************************************************************** KElvIn anD hIbbS in "Say Uncle!" by Will Watergun (pseud.) Panel No. 1 ===== 1 [At the airport, Kelvin & parents pick up Uncle Max, 30ish, short hair, trim moustache, wearing a silver & ebony basketball jacket, penny loafers, neo-chinos, & carrying a designer gym bag.] Kelvin: So how's 'Frisco, Maxie-baby? Uncle Max [tweaking Kelvin's snubnose]: Frisky, mon enfant terrible! 2 Kelvin [eyes widening]: Ohhh....are there lots of ti-grrs? Dad: Kelvin, please don't start in on that--- Uncle Max: It's OK, bro. Only the man-eating kind, nephew. 3 Kelvin: Wow! Do you have any morgue shots in your wallet, Max? You know, last night's supper, bloody leftovers, ti-grr barf? Mom [sharply]: Kelvin! That's disgusting! I'm sorry, Max. Our son's role models are strictly slice n' dice. Uncle Max: 'Fraid not, my little terrorist. All the tigers I know are vegetarians. 4 Mom: How's Jim, Max? Uncle Max: Fine. He's planning a sky-diving fundraiser for AIDS research--- Kelvin [oblivious to conversation]: Hibbs is my main squeeze. 5 Dad [mortified]: Groan! Kelvin: We share everything. I've tried to develop a craving for human flesh, but it must be an acquired taste, like broccoli. 6 Dad [exploding]: That does it, young man! No VCR this month, & I'm halving your video rental allowance! 7 Uncle Max [trying to lighten things up, tickles Kelvin]: Why, you little pervert! Kelvin [laughing]: Takes one to know one, Big Max! 8 Max [mock-wrestling Kelvin to air terminal floor, embarassing parents]: Grrr! I devours 'phobes live! Kelvin [brightening]: Hey, how about joining Hibbs & I on tonight's kill? I'll bring along Jane Fonda's cassette on overcoming food phobias, "You Can Swallow Anything!" ******************************************************************** KElvIn anD hIbbS in "Going in a Circle" by Will Watergun (pseud.) Panel No. 1 ===== 1 [Night at Dupont Circle, Washington, DC. 3 months late for the March on Washington for Gay Rights, Kelvin & Hibbs stroll through the park, Kelvin pulling a little red wagon with RoBork* and a Louisville slugger in it. They will lobby their representatives.] Kelvin [puzzled]: Why are all these people here? Hibbs: They're cruising. 2 Kelvin: Funny. I don't see any Chevy tailfins or Cunard liners. Hibbs: It's a kind of personal lobbying. 3 Kelvin: Oh....do congresspeople come here? Hibbs: Sometimes. 4 [A young man in a bomber jacket and Levi 501's spots Kelvin clutching his stuffed tiger.] 5 Youngman: Hey, sport! Isn't it way past your bedtime? Kelvin: I'm nocturnal, like a skunk. 6 Youngman [noticing wagon]: What's the bat for? 7 Kelvin: To lobby Congress for gay rights. It's an instrument of persuasion. [The young man frowns briefly, then....] 8 Youngman: Oh, you mean like golf with Ike or touch football with the Kennedys? Sports as politics by other means, eh? Kelvin [grimly]: Yeah, but only if they don't play ball. ******************************************************************** KElvIn anD hIbbS in "Reply to Critics" by Will Watergun (pseud.) "Yale Law professor Judge Robert H. Bork said he will go on the lecture circuit to reply to critics who torpedoed his Supreme Court nomination." --- Newswire Panel No. 1 ===== 1 [It's still night at Dupont Circle, Washington, DC. Kelvin, Hibbs & RoBork in his little red wagon stand in a knot taking in the scene. Suddenly, a distracted ex-Judge Robert H. Bork hurries by. Bork is garbed as a cross between a British magistrate & a foxhunter, with long powdered wig, a foxhunting beanie teetering on top, judicial robes & flounced lace, jodhpurs, & leather boots with spurs. He holds a riding crop close to his leg.] Kelvin [loudly to Hibbs & RoBork]: I nominate Diana Ross for Chief Justice, the only candidate with a gold record! 2 Bork [stops abruptly, looks back at Kelvin, & shouts]: AHA!! Critics! 3 Bork [turning toward them, arms outstreched in front]: Slo-o-wly I turned, step-by-step.... Hibbs [becoming frantic]: Quick! Do something, before it's too late! 4 Kelvin [strolling over to Bork]: Yo', milord! Was there data corruption when they downloaded you this morning? Bork [discombobulated, rules & croons simultaneously]: Motown, er, has no standing, uh, sitting, before this bed...BENCH! Mmmm...?...Oh, she's sassy but classy, but UN-PRO-TECTED (whoa, whoa), corpus juris suck condom, yeah...STOP! In the name of...??...what? 5 [Kelvin kicks Bork in the shins.] Bork: OUCH! 6 Bork [hastily regains composure]: Thanks, I needed that---Young man! Such insolence will not go unrewarded, er, punished! I mean, damn it, I'll have you flogged!! Kelvin: Can I choose the pasta? I know I want pesto for blood: I've never really felt like an earthling. 7 Bork [eyeing Kelvin as he rubs his chin]: Hmmm... Kelvin: Sir, may I ask you a technical question? Hibbs, my tigerish lover here---say "Yo!", Hibbs.... 8 Hibbs: (Ahem!) Yo. Kelvin: ....---is into New Age consciousness. He wants to know, is muzak covered by the 1st Amendment? 9 Bork [raising a finger]: Of course. As a basic human expression. But ONLY after a duly appointed authority has deemed it free of laid-back demonic messages. [The others stare, revealing nothing.] ******************************************************************** KElvIn anD hIbbS in "Famous Catholics of the Silver Screen" by Will Watergun (pseud.) Panel No. 1 ===== 1 [Night at Dupont Circle, Washington, DC. Kelvin, Hibbs & RoBork in his little red wagon are still discussing momentous issues with ex-Judge Robert H. Bork.] Bork [nostalgically]: I've always been impressed with Tina Turner's, umm, vivacity. Kelvin: I just loooove Margery Main: she's so butch! 2 [Just then Justice Anthony Kennedy breezes by. Over his grey flannel suit and polka-dot bowtie he wears an altar boy's surplice. Pinned to it is a sign in large block letters which reads "I DO NOT STINK".] 3 Kennedy [spots Bork & stops]: Oh, hi, Bob! How's it going? Say, no hard feelings, counselor, huh? We'll appoint you amicus curiae, in perpetuo. I'll send you briefs. Kelvin: Kinky! Fruit of the Loom or Calvin Klein? I prefer bikini shorts myself. 4 Kennedy [explodes]: The Court will not accept prurient cases! Kelvin: Not even if they're appealing? I find fishnet panties irresistible. 5 Kennedy [glares at Kelvin, then airily to Bork]: Well, I'm late for a communion brunch with Jeanne Kirkpatrick. [Warming, if that's conceivable] She's a swell gal! Does a terrific Kate Hepburn imitation to my Spencer Tracey. Though I detest those actors' adulterous liaison! [Musing to himself] Maybe Spencer never attended Chi Rho**? 6 [Everyone else does a "Harpo", grimacing & sticking out their tongues in disgust at the thought of the torrid duo hamming it up.] Kelvin [exclaims]: Oh, Mary! 7 Kennedy [antiphonally]: Full of grace! [Kelvin and Bork stare intently at Kennedy.] 8 Bork: Funny. My wife does that***. I wonder if it's hormonal? Kelvin [frowning]: More likely neurological. The Vatican was into neural nets long before Galileo. * aka Ma Kettle, of movie fame. ** Chi Rho was a Catholic desensitivity training group in local parishes that warned nearly-marrieds about demon sex. *** Bork's wife is Roman Catholic. ******************************************************************** KElvIn anD hIbbS in "Pillow Talk" by Will Watergun (pseud.) Panel No. 1 ===== 1 [Morning. Kelvin & Hibbs in bed, asleep. With an overhead "Poof!" Kelvin exits a dream.] 2 Kelvin [head raised, to viewer]: Whew! Either my sandman needs a shrink, or our nation's capital is in Transylvania! [A groggy Hibbs wakes up.] 3 Kelvin [hugging Hibbs]: 'morning, o great striped one! Say, you look a mite peaked! 4 Hibbs [transfixed]: I had a terrible nightmare! Kelvin [warming]: Really? About what? 5 Hibbs [shivering]: The ultimate tyranny! It was awful. I dreamt I saw your sneakered little footsie stomping on a Rubik's cube. Endlessly. 6 [A kneeling Kelvin slugs Hibbs with his pillow]: POW! Kelvin: So wake up! It was only a dream. 7&8 [Kelvin ducks under the covers, an enraged Hibbs tunnels after him, his behind sticking out] Hibbs [muffled]: (grrrrrrrrrrrr) 9 Kelvin [distant]: (Pursued by a rabid and slobbering sother, Kelvin plunges into the endless night of the giant cavern, which rings with the monster's blood-curdling shrieks!) Hibbs [faint]: (rrroooOWwwwr!) 10&11 [Kelvin emerges, clutching a pillow. Then he notices Hibbs' still- poised derriere & flicking tail.] 12 Kelvin [staring into space]: Rabid and slobbering? 13 Kelvin [diving under the blankets again]: (Irresistibly summoned by the rapt cries of his mate, Kelvin descends into the Venusberg & joyfully succumbs to the dark ecstasy of its humid embrace!) Hibbs [still faint]: (grrrowwwl) ******************************************************************** [Penned at 35000 feet with an inadequate supply of oxygen. Steve Dyer is the near-legendary founder of Usenet's gay&lesbian newsgroup, soc.motss. The following was written for the 1st annual SOC.MOTSS Convention, held July 1988 in San Francisco.] KElvIn anD hIbbS in "CON Games" by Will Watergun (pseud.) Panel No. ===== 1 [A vaguely defined space, like the background in a rose-period painting of Picasso.] 2 [Enter Steve Lord Dyer wearing a pink soc.motss t-shirt, holding a can of Diet Coke in one hand and a halberd in the other.] 3 Lord Dyer: [Sip!] Where am I? 4 [Noises off: sounds of a raucous throng, with canned ragtime music blaring over it.] A kid's voice [loud]: There he is! A chorus of raspy but lilting voices: Yoo-hoo! 5 [Clouds of dust suddenly billow around Steve.] 6 [As the clouds settle, a large group of figures becomes visible: Kelvin is dressed as a circus ringmaster in a top hat & tails, toy whip & dingey sneakers. With him are tigrrs of the Club, all garbed as strippers. Hibbs is dolled up like a Chippendale boy: he has a huge ashblond swingbang pasted across his forehead, a bowtie strapped on, & bikini briefs stuffed with Monopoly money. Vatslav the Great Siberian dons a feather headress & massive garlands of beads slung over his chest and hips. Kitty holds 2 fans, each over an ero-zone. Toy's outfit is from Frederick's of Hollywood: skimpy lace bra & undies, black pumps & elbow- length gloves. Another tigrr in a transparent negligee rides a swayback helium balloon that looks like the Goodyear blimp & floats a few feet above the ground. Etc.] 7 Kelvin [breathless]: We heard you needed entertainment for motss.CON. Lord Dyer: Wellllllll, yes-- 8 Kelvin: We'd like to audition! I have a fa-a-abulous big cat show for you, better than Ringling Brothers! I call it "Phantasmic Phelines". 9 Hibbs [moans]: It's more like "Phrantic Phelines". Kelvin [to Hibbs]: Oh, don't be a poop, Gypsy! Lord Dyer: I dunno.... 10 Kelvin: Say, we'll give you a demo! [runs off, snapping whip] Lord Dyer [drops Coke]: No, wait-----! 11 [Kelvin turns on a giant boom box that blasts out "Tiger Rag". Tigrrs scramble.] 12 Boombox: HOLD THAT TIGRR! HOLD THAT TIGRR! HOLD THAT TIGRR! HOLD THAT TIGRR! Kelvin [hollers]: Promenade! 13 [Momentarily lined up, one-by-one tigrrs strut, simper, thrust, & flash. Hands on hips, Kelvin watches approvingly.] Lord Dyer [to himself]: What a travesty! 14 [Kelvin flicks his whip]: CRACK! [Tigrrs scatter. Kelvin chases them, trying to grab their tails.] Boombox: HOLD THAT TIGRR! HOLD THAT TIGRR! 15 [Mortified, Steve starts to slip away.] Kelvin [yells]: Tumble & pant! 16 [Tigrrs halt. One-by-one they fall down & roll over, tails waggling, limp paws in the air, huge tongues lolling lasciviously. The tigrr on the balloon floats by overhead.] Kelvin [hands over mouth]: Tee hee! 17 [By now Steve's receded into perspective. Kelvin spots him.] Kelvin: Hey, come back! We can call them Crazee Cats. Or [shouts] how about The Naughty Pussies? 18 [In the distance Steve grimaces. Tigrrs hoof it. Boombox thunders]: HOLD THAT TIGRR! ******************************************************************** "Mankind is the missing link between apes and human beings." - Usenet proverb keLvIn anD hIbbS in "Battle of the Sexes" by Will Watergun (pseud.) Panel No. ===== 1 [A sandbox, rigged up like a wrestling ring. Hibbs leans on the "ropes"; he wears a catcher's mask & an umpire's beanie on backwards. In the center of the "ring" stands Kelvin; dressed in a mask & hood, cape & pro wrestler tights, he is Homo Stupendus. He taunts passersby.] Kelvin: I am the acme of evolution! The masterpiece of natural selection! Hibbs: The product of countless random mutations. 2 Lucie Gherkins [strolling by, oblivious to Kelvin]: Hi, Hibbs. 3 Kelvin [to Lucie]: With the compassion of the fittest I note the funereal passage of an obsolescent species. [Lucie stops in her tracks.] 4 [She vaults into ring. Kelvin freaks.] Lucie: Oh, yeah? Well, chauvinism doesn't have survival value! 5 [Grabbing an arm she throws Kelvin over her shoulder]: WHUMP! 6 [She tosses him again in another direction, sand spraying]: WHOMP! 7 [Kelvin's lying on his stomach, wide-eyed & panic-stricken, slapping the sand with his free hand, as Lucie, grimacing fiercely, straddles him, & pins his other arm back. Hibbs has joined them in a professional capacity: he's also on his stomach, his face close to Kelvin's, peering inquisitively.] Kelvin [hysterically]: Uncle! OUCH!! I mean aunt! Tunte? Ow! Tante! Tio? Aaaaaah! MAMAN!.... Hibbs [methodically counting off on one paw with the other]: One........two........thr--- 8 Kelvin [screaming, face convulsed in rage & pain]: Count me out, you dumb feline! Hibbs [frowning at paw]: ---wait a minute. Tigrrs can't count to three. We only learn binary. 9 Lucie [disappointed, to viewer]: The kid's flipped. These sexists are so fragile. ******************************************************************** "Where's Calvin?" "I sent him to his room. I caught him making prank calls to pet stores, asking if they'd buy his tiger." Bill Watterson, "Calvin & Hobbes", Sunday, 11/13/88 This is what REALLY happened: kELvIn anD hIbbS in "Jules of the Jungle Gym" by Will Watergun (pseud.) Panel No. ===== 1 [As Kelvin lies sprawled helpless in a corner, Hibbs approaches, fangs bared, claws out, mouth foaming, face horribly contorted.] Kelvin [shivering]: Imaginary friends can be a little too eager to indulge your wildest fantasies! 2 [Suddenly a golden flash tears across the frame....] 3 [....and resolves itself into a handsome muscular cheetah.] Kelvin: Jules! You've saved my virtual life! Jules: Greetings, pint of grief! 4 [Jules & Kelvin French-kiss, that is, on either cheek, and Kelvin throws his arms around him.] Hibbs [bawling loudly, adopting a stricken pose, one paw on forehead, one over heart]: MOAN! I've been supplanted as the virtual object of your affections! And by a cheetah! 5 Kevin: Bushwa! May I remind you that the waiver in our play contract allows my abnormal fancy free rein? Hibbs: Hmpf! Shameless tort. [Points at Jules but looks away] I categorically refuse to acknowledge this meager figment, this indigent fantasy, this least twinge of mental activity, this BLIP on your brain scan! 6 Hibbs [looks again at Jules]: Hmpf! Kelvin [to Hibbs, bristling]: Watch it, buster, or I'll hand you over to my id for a quick redraw! 7 Hibbs: Well, well! Aren't we quite the coquette? Shopping in the genus felid, are we now? Kelvin: We who dwell in real time have birthdays, you know. 8 [Hibbs violently yanks Jules by the collar, nearly choking him.] Hibbs [loutishly]: C'MERE! Jules: Gaaaak! 9 Hibbs: LEMME SEE YOUR TAG! Hmmm..."Made in Korea." Cheetahs in Korea? Jules: Tigrrs in a subdivision? 10 Hibbs [resumes histrionics]: Oh, the shame of it! Replaced by a cheap foreign import! Kelvin: You were bargain basement! Jules is top-of-the-line from Pier 1. 11 Hibbs [paws clenched in fists, grimacing in outrage, hauls himself off across the panel, shouting]: Where are your parents? Don't they realize they're crippling America with trade deficits? Kelvin [to viewer]: Incredible! A monogamous toy. ************************************************************************ ************************** FINIS (for now!) **************************** Possible future installments: "Moons in My Pocket Like Balls of Lint", a spaced opera; "Someone Inside My Closet Is Screaming", an amateur theatrical or film noir home movie in 3 or 6 parts.