NetNews Usenet Archive 1993 #3/NN_1993_3.iso/spool/soc/couples/4874

Internet Message Format | 1993-01-22 | 5.4 KB

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From: [e-mail]
Newsgroups: soc.couples
Subject: Concerned about relationship
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 20 Jan 93 20:36:17 GMT
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I am involved in a situation about which I would like some advice/opinions.
The text below is divided into two parts, a description of the background
to my situation and a description of my concern.

BACKGROUND

Tania (not her real name) and I have been in a close relationship for a
little over two years.  We love each other very deeply and consider
ourselves highly compatible in almost all respects.  While I have had
relatively short-lived relationships before, this is my first serious
long-term relationship.

Tania has been legally separated from her husband for more than a year, but
they have yet to file for divorce.  He does not live in the same town, but
he visits her occasionally.  When their marital wranglings began over two
years ago he moved out of the state.  Meanwhile, the relationship between
us flowered, but we did not live together.  He is now trying to get Tania
to get back together with him.  Since she has a great deal of love for both
of us, she finds herself torn between him and me.  She cannot bring herself
to say yes when he asks her to get back together with him, but neither can
she bring herself to go through with a divorce.  Meanwhile, Tania tells me
she wants to be with me, but she refuses to make any plans -- however
tentative -- about our future.  She says she cannot bear the thought of
hurting her ex-husband any more than she already has (he, of course, knows
about me).  In sum, she is torn between the two of us, and has been for
about a year.  So, he continues to live elsewhere and communicates with her
a few times a week, while she and I live in the same town and see each
other daily.

We are both in graduate school.  Tania expects to complete her degree at
the end of this semester or very shortly thereafter.  I expect to need
another year or so to finish.  After she finishes, she will move to another
state (about 300 miles away) to live with her parents while she looks for a
job.  I don't know how often we'll be able to see each other.  During that
time, and probably also once she finds a job, she will be living in the
vicinity of her ex-husband (within 100 miles) and relatively far away from
me.  Given the situation between them, especially his desire to get back
together with her, I am certain that he will make a serious effort to coax
her to come back to him, including encouraging living together once she
finds a job and an apartment of her own.  I want to be with her and I am
willing to pull up stakes and continue my studies elsewhere.  She balks at
the idea and says she wants to live on her own "for a while".

So, Tania wants to be by herself, BUT she presents this as a temporary
state of affairs.  She tells me she MIGHT eventually accept the idea of us
living together BUT she can't say when.  When I ask her for some sort of a
rough estimate of how long she wants to be on her own (One year?  Two
years?  Three?) she is unable or unwilling to give me even the most general
estimate.

One other thing...  Tania has hidden our relationship from her family.  Her
reticence to bring our relationship "out of the closet" seems connected to
her inability/unwillingness to end her relationship with her ex.

MY CONCERN

I am wondering what people think are the future prospects for a
relationship like this.  Do you think it can work out in the end?  Are the
odds with me or against me?   What, if anything, can I/we do to improve our
chances of remaining together?  I LOVE HER VERY, VERY MUCH AND I WANT US TO
BE TOGETHER IF AT ALL POSSIBLE.  Fortunately, we are able to communicate
pretty openly with each other.

The impending LDR (long-distance relationship) seems bound to bring this to
a head.  If our separation is to be for an indefinite period, how will this
affect our relationship?  I have followed the recent discussions of LDRs on
soc.couples with interest.  I have been struck by the fact that most people
who've been in an LDR say that in holding their relationship together it
was important that THERE WAS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL, i.e., both
partners knew that their separation would end eventually AND they had SOME
idea (even if only approximate) as to WHEN it would end.  Given my SO's
wavering, I am really concerned about our future.  I fear the combined
impact of:

1. Her love and conflicting feelings towards her ex and me (I believe this
   is the main issue);
2. Our being in an LDR with no light at the end of the tunnel, and;
3. Her ex being nearby and making renewed overtures.

Will she go back to him?  Will our relationship fall apart because of her
indecisiveness with the added strain of an indefinite LDR?  What do people
think???

Many thanks in advance!

P.S.  Polyamory is out of the question because it is unacceptable to her
ex, and I'm not too keen on it either.
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