home *** CD-ROM | disk | FTP | other *** search
/ NetNews Usenet Archive 1993 #3 / NN_1993_3.iso / spool / rec / humor / 38833 < prev    next >
Encoding:
Internet Message Format  |  1993-01-25  |  9.3 KB
  1. Xref: sparky rec.humor:38833 aus.jokes:1963
  2. Newsgroups: rec.humor,aus.jokes
  3. Path: sparky!uunet!munnari.oz.au!bruce.cs.monash.edu.au!monu6!yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au!daniel
  4. From: daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au (Daniel Bowen)
  5. Subject: TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES #132
  6. Message-ID: <1993Jan25.113651.20808@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au>
  7. Followup-To: rec.humor.d,aus.jokes.d
  8. Summary: Just another Toxic Custard
  9. Sender: news@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au (Usenet system)
  10. Reply-To: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
  11. Organization: Monash University, Melb., Australia.
  12. Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1993 11:36:51 GMT
  13. Lines: 123
  14.  
  15.  
  16.    #######         #######         ###         #######    TOXIC     CUSTARD
  17.    #     #  #####  # # # #  #####  # #  #####  #     #    WORKSHOP    FILES
  18.    ### ###  #      # # # #  #      # #      #  ##### #
  19.    ### ###  #      # # # #  ###    # #   ####  #     #    Number        132
  20.    ### ###  #      # # # #  #      # #      #  # #####    25th January 1993
  21.    ### ###  #####  #     #  #      # #  #####  #     #    by  Daniel  Bowen
  22. ---#######---------#######---------###---------#######------------------------
  23.  
  24. TOXIC CUSTARD *BASTARD OF THE YEAR* (BOTY) 1992.                              I
  25. Voting closes this Thursday, 28th of January. So if you haven't voted
  26. yet, for fuck's sake; yes, for the sake of fuck, make up your mind and        h
  27. forward your vote NOW! As a reminder, the nominees were: (a) everyone         e
  28. in the Yugoslavian conflict, (b) Patrick Buchanan, (c) Robin Leach,           a
  29. (d) George Bush, (e) Dan Quayle, (f) Paul Keating, (g) Saddam Hussein,        r
  30. (h) Rush Limbaugh, (i) Jeff Kennett, (j) James Parry, (k) John Hewson,
  31. (l) the people who interfere with everyone's modem connections,               p
  32. (m) Daniel Bowen, (n) Jeremy Beadle, and (o) Inspector Unnecessary-           e
  33. Violence. VOTE NOW! Full results, along with largely useless and              o
  34. doubtful statistical analysis of voting trends, will be released next         p
  35. week.                                                                         l
  36.                                                                               e
  37. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
  38.                                                                               w
  39. WAITER: Have you finished with that sir?                                      e
  40.                                                                               r
  41. DINER: What?                                                                  e
  42.  
  43. WAITER: Only I notice you haven't eaten much in the past few minutes,         q
  44.         and there's a gentleman on table four who would like the same         u
  45.         dish.                                                                 e
  46.                                                                               u
  47. DINER: Well, I errm..                                                         e
  48.                                                                               i
  49. WAITER: Thank you sir. Now, can I get you any dessert?                        n
  50.                                                                               g
  51. DINER: Erm.. Yes, perhaps I could have a serving of chocolate mousse?
  52.                                                                               f
  53. WAITER: Ah.. no sir, I don't think so. Guess again sir.                       o
  54.                                                                               r
  55. DINER: Well, why not?
  56.                                                                               h
  57. WAITER: I'm afraid, sir, that the lady on table six hasn't quite              o
  58.         finished eating the chocolate mousse, and this being a                u
  59.         Wednesday, there isn't another on the premises.                       r
  60.                                                                               s
  61. DINER: Now just wait a cotton-picking minute. Do you mean to tell me
  62.        that you share the food around the different people?                   a
  63.                                                                               t
  64. WAITER: Well, yes sir. It's a new recyclable food strategy we've
  65.         introduced as an attempt to help save our world, sir. I'm sure        a
  66.         you couldn't possibly argue with that.
  67.                                                                               C
  68. DINER: Well, err, no, I guess not...                                          l
  69.                                                                               i
  70. WAITER: Good. So, would sir care to await the imminent arrival of the         n
  71.         chocolate mousse, or would sir care to select another dessert?        t
  72.                                                                               o
  73. DINER: Look, surely this isn't sanitary. I mean, anyone could be              n
  74.        passing germs to anyone else.
  75.                                                                               I
  76. WAITER: Did sir spot any lethal germs on his roast steak?                     n
  77.                                                                               a
  78. DINER: Well no, of course not.                                                u
  79.                                                                               g
  80. WAITER: There you are then.                                                   u
  81.                                                                               r
  82. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -       a
  83.                                                                               t
  84. MR POPSICLE RETURNS - Part 12                                                 i
  85.                                                                               o
  86. Mr Popsicle and Inspector Unnecessary-Violence of the Australian Royal        n
  87. Security Establishment had taken over the case of the Great Truck
  88. Robbery. And, to this end, they took the truckload of police documents        s
  89. back to headquarters and began to wade through them in gumboots, after        h
  90. pouring them all out over the floor. It turned out to be the biggest          o
  91. mistake since someone set up a mass blind date between the Perverts'          p
  92. Society and Nymphomaniacs Anonymous. They discovered that the wading          .
  93. screwed up the files completely, and so asked their boss to organise          .
  94. for a buildingsworth of secretaries to come and sort everything out
  95. again.                                                                        H
  96.     While this was going on, Popsicle and the Inspector decided to            e
  97. re-interview one of the only suspects, one Jake McGiggin, at his home.        '
  98. The Inspector was pretty mad at not receiving any votes in the Bastard        s
  99. Of The Year election, and was showing it very well. Rather than knock
  100. on McGiggin's door, or even knock it down with a big hammer, the              s
  101. Inspector head-butted it open, before entering, smashing ornaments with       t
  102. his truncheon, and shooting the parrot.                                       a
  103.     He then ran into the loungeroom, picked up McGiggin by the nose and       r
  104. pushed him against the wall, so that Popsicle could interview him.            t
  105.     "Hello Jake. We'd like to discuss a few things. That okay?"               e
  106.     McGiggin nodded, with a great deal of difficulty.                         d
  107.     "You wanna tell me about the robbery?"
  108.     McGiggin muttered something very nasal, and the Inspector lowered         t
  109. him back onto the floor, before wiping his fingers on the sofa.               u
  110.     "Yeah... yeah... " said McGiggin, trying to catch his breath, and         r
  111. unstretch his nostrils. "It wasn't me, I swear... but I can't tell you        n
  112. who... they'd kill me..."                                                     i
  113.     Popsicle had heard this line so many times it wasn't funny anymore.       n
  114. In fact, it hadn't been very amusing the first time he'd heard it. Like       g
  115. someone who rejects a lot of Mormons, Popsicle had a standard "I'm not
  116. interested in religion"-style line to answer this. And it was:                t
  117.     "Oh yeah? Well maybe I'll let Inspector Unnecessary-Violence do           h
  118. that right here and now to save time?"                                        e
  119.     This was the Inspector's cue to move forward threateningly, and it
  120. worked a treat, as usual.                                                     U
  121.     "All right, all right! It was the Whelans. The Whelan brothers.           S
  122. Okay?"
  123.     "Okay", replied Popsicle. "Have a nice day."                              i
  124.                                                                               n
  125. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                                 t
  126. That's all for this week. If you haven't                                      o
  127. voted, vote. And whether you have or haven't,
  128. check out the results in next week's TCWF!                                    R
  129. Subscriptions are available; reply to this, or                                u
  130. send mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu                                              s
  131. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                      !ydaerla ais
  132. Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen.
  133. --
  134. Daniel Bowen, Monash University |            Coming soon...
  135. Melbourne, Australia------------|                                 ,
  136. daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----|       T  H  E    C  L  I  C  H  E
  137. B.O.T.Y '92: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu|     F   R   O   M     H   E   L   L
  138.