NetNews Usenet Archive 1993 #3/NN_1993_3.iso/spool/rec/humor/38744

Text File | 1993-01-24 | 4.9 KB | 105 lines

Newsgroups: rec.humor
Path: sparky!uunet!think.com!sdd.hp.com!ux1.cso.uiuc.edu!news.cso.uiuc.edu!ux4.cso.uiuc.edu!mmaggio
From: [e-mail] (Michael J Maggio)
Subject: Re: Driving rules not in the DMV manual
References: <[e-mail]> <[e-mail]>
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Sender: [e-mail] (Net Noise owner)
Organization: University of Illinois at Urbana
Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1993 00:00:33 GMT
Lines: 93

[e-mail] (Roger A Roach) writes:

>Article 3017 of rec.humor.funny:
>Path: bloom-picayune.mit.edu!snorkelwacker.mit.edu!usc!wupost!uunet!looking!funny-request
>Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
>Date: Sat, 11 Jan 92 6:30:4 EST
>Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
>From: [e-mail]
>Subject: Basic rules for driving in Boston
>Keywords: smirk
>Approved: [e-mail]

>                Basic rules for driving in Boston

>     Boston is often acclaimed as the most exciting city in America in
>which to drive.  Who would argue?  Herewith, for newcomers and visitors,
>are a few basic rules of the road for driving in these parts:

>     - To obtain a general idea of how to drive in Boston, go to a
>Celtics game and carefully watch the fast break.  Then get behind the
>wheel of your car and practice it.
>     - Never take a green light at face value.  Always look right and
>left before proceeding.
>     - When in doubt, accelerate.
>     - Very generally speaking, the intransigence of the Boston driver
>is directly proportional to the expense of his American-made car, and
>inversely proportional to the expense of his foreign-made car.  But in
>applying this formula, bear in mind that they are all more or less
>intransigent.
>     - In the long run, parking your car in a lot is always cheaper than
>parking it at a meter.
>     - Drivers whose cars sport "I Brake For Animals" bumper stickers
>may brake for animals, but they may not brake for you.  Watch it.
>     - Never drive behind a person whose head doesn't reach the top of
>the steering wheel.
>     - Teenage drivers believe they are immortal.  Don't yield to the
>temptation to teach them otherwise.
>     - Taxicabs should always have the right of way, unless you are bent
>on suicide.
>     - Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under
>the wheels of your car.
>     - The first parking space you see will be the last parking space
>you see.  Grab it.
>     - Learn to swerve abruptly.  Boston is the home of slalom driving,
>thanks to the Registry of Motor Vehicles, which puts potholes in key
>locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
>     - Steer clear of people with antinuclear bumper stickers pasted on
>their cars.  They are interested in preserving mankind, which is
>admirable.  But they are not necessarily interested in preserving you,
>or themselves, for that matter.  They have more important things to
>think about.
>     - Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.
>     - Double-park in the North End of Boston, unless triple-parking is
>available.
>     - Always look both ways when running a red light.
>     - While it is possible to fit a 15-foot car into a 15-foot parking
>space, it is seldom possible to fit a 16-foot car into a 15-foot
>parking space.  Sad but true.
>     - There is no such thing as a short cut during rush-hour traffic in
>Boston.
>     - It is traditional in Boston to honk your horn at cars that don't
>move the instant the light changes.
>     - Never put your faith in signs that purport to provide directions.
>They are put there to confuse people who don't know their way around
>the city.
>     - Use extreme caution when pulling into breakdown lanes.  Breakdown
>lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during
>rush hour.
>     - Never use directional signals, since they only confound and
>distract other Boston drivers, who are not used to them.
>     - Similarly, never attempt to give hand signals, Boston drivers,
>unused to such courtesies, will think you are waving them on to pass
>you.
>     - The yellow light is not, as commonly supposed outside the Boston
>area, a signal to slow down.  It is a warning to speed up and get
>through the intersection before the light turns red.
>     - Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
>     - In making a left turn from the right lane, employ the element of
>surprise.  That is, do it as suddenly as possible, so as to stun other
>drivers.
>     - Speed limits are arbitrary figures posted only to make you feel
>guilty.
>     - Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to insure
>inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible.
>     - Remember that the goal of every Boston driver is to get there
>first by whatever means necessary.
>     - Above all, keep moving.

>     And good luck. You'll need it.

Hmmmmmm...... Sounds very familiar to driving in Chicago.....

--- MJM