NetNews Usenet Archive 1993 #3/NN_1993_3.iso/spool/alt/romance/16392

Internet Message Format | 1993-01-25 | 6.2 KB

Xref: sparky alt.romance:16392 alt.polyamory:2470
Path: sparky!uunet!olivea!hal.com!decwrl!csus.edu!netcom.com!noring
From: [e-mail] (Jon Noring)
Newsgroups: alt.romance,alt.polyamory
Subject: Polyamory again (was Re: last night...)
Summary: Don't worry, I won't post about it often.
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 25 Jan 93 18:39:31 GMT
Organization: Netcom Online Communications Services (408-241-9760 login: guest)
Lines: 108

In article [e-mail] (Daniel L'Hommedieu) writes:

>Last night, my girlfriend went out with another guy.  Well, let me tell
>you a little more: we're separated by 150 miles of interstate highway.
>Fortunately, we have a very honest relationship--she told me of this
>outing on Thursday evening.  Now, of course it bothered me, but what can
>I do?  Tell her to stay home?  I think not.
>
>So, anyway, we talked again today, and I asked how her evening went.
>She said it was great--they went to a place she and I usually go: Coyote
>Joe's (a country-music bar near where we live).  She told me that they
>were dancing most of the night (I inquired of slow dances--she said they
>did and that hurt...).  They were rarely sitting she said.
>
>After we hung up, I began to wonder...did they kiss?  This really began
>to bother me for a while.  After consulting with a good friend, I
>decided to call her--turned out she called me back.  I told her that I
>had to ask (trust is a BIG deal with me--more later).  She very quickly
>answered "no" and asked me if they should have.  I told her that I hoped
>not.
>
>Well, my system is shutting down in a minute or two, so I have to end
>this quickly...
>
>Anyway, we talked for a while after that and our conversation just
>instilled great trust between us--if she ever had to hide something like
>this from me, we'd no doubt have a serious problem.
>
>One last thing: the whole thing kinda bothered her--what with dating me
>serious (thoughts of marriage?) and going out with him last night--it
>didn't sit to well with her, after the fact.
>
>Perhaps this was better fit for a diary.  Anybody else ever have an
>experience like this and can share your thoughts?  I could really use
>some right now.  Thanks.


[Please read the following a couple of times carefully before responding -
it discusses a radically different way to view the above post, so radical
that it can easily be misunderstood if not read carefully and thought
through in its entirety.  You need not agree with it, but please do try
to fully understand my viewpoint before responding.]


Wouldn't life be a whole lot easier if polyamory was accepted as a lifestyle
option in our culture?  I have a very close woman friend (verrry close
romantically) who has another male friend that she sometimes enjoys being
with (he has quite a different personality than I do).  At first she was
timid to admit that she liked to be with him occasionally for dinner, movies,
etc., since she was not sure how I would react.  But when I said that I didn't
mind and that she could have *any* type of relationship she chooses with
anybody (as long as it is safe, in moderation and doesn't lead to problems for
others - words of advice, not words of restriction), and that it won't change
our relationship (at least in my eyes), she felt quite relieved, and somewhat
surprised.  If she wants to kiss him, fine, I hope she enjoys it - it's stupid
to feel guilty about things that are enjoyable and fulfilling.  If that's all
she wants to do with him, fine.  If she wants more, fine.  And if she wants
less, fine.  And she of course is accepting of my lifestyle as well (else it
would not work out between us, obviously).

Our relationship has gotten closer because of it since ours is not built on
some stupid idea of possession and exclusive ownership, but one on giving.
I can't be all things to her, and she can't be all things to me.  I choose to
love her unconditionally - that is the best form of love, imho.  I will never
put the requirement of monogamy on my romantic partners - trying to restrict
another person on the matters of love is *not true love*.  It can never deep
down lead to any kind of trust - it is an inherently untrustworthy act to
demand monogamy - do you want to build a close relationship on such a
foundation?  If a person chooses truly on their own to be monogamous that is
great - they are doing it because of their love for their partner.  But to
*demand* it of others is not right, for me at least.  Monogamy is a fine and
workable lifestyle option (actually the default in our culture at this time)
if both people of the relationship are *truly* committed to it - it *only
works* to enhance the relationship when both *voluntarily* choose monogamy
because of love for their partner and not because it was taught as the only
way to be in our obsessively uptight monogamous culture.

Of course, I realize most readers of alt.romance will have extreme difficulty
understanding what I just wrote above.  The concept of polyamory is almost
unthinkable to most people in our culture.  A few days ago I posted my
polyamory file and if you're interested in trying to more fully understand my
admittedly minority viewpoint, just download it and read it.  Or e-mail me
and I'll send it.

I'll also admit that to some what I wrote above sounds just a little bit too
egalitarian.  But as the original poster shows so well, as well has hundreds
of posts to this newsgroup since I've begun to read it, the monogamy-only
viewpoint of romance/relationships in our culture is nowhere near egalitarian
either.

Have a good day.

Jon

--

Charter Member of the INFJ Club.

Now, if you're just dying to know what INFJ stands for, be brave, e-mail me,
and I'll send you some information.  It WILL be worth the inquiry, I think.

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