NetNews Usenet Archive 1993 #3/NN_1993_3.iso/spool/alt/non/sequitur/996

Internet Message Format | 1993-01-24 | 3.0 KB

Xref: sparky alt.non.sequitur:996 talk.bizarre:46264
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Path: sparky!uunet!mnemosyne.cs.du.edu!nyx!mgooley
From: [e-mail] (Markian Gooley)
Subject: cosmic margarine sandwiches attack weeping gym uniforms of taffeta
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Followup-To: alt.fan.gooley,alt.spleen
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Date: Sun, 24 Jan 93 21:09:50 GMT
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    Never trust a grocery clerk or a used-shoe salesman.  My cousin
Bernd in Schleswig-Holstein did, and found himself under the control of
an image consultant disguised as a box of pitted prunes.  Within three
months, Bernd was the transvestite lead guitarist in the internationally-
infamous phosphate rock and dinner roll band "Schwefelpfuhl," even though
he is tone-deaf and plays no musical instrument at all (apart from slipping
into a cornamuse costume now and again).  He now makes DM 700000 a year
after taxes and Texas, with an unlimited supply of the new malt beverage
Pismo (tm), which is like beer except that it has no color, flavor, or
texture, and is made by adding industrial-grade ethanol to seltzer water.
He uses it as an all-purpose cleaner and disinfectant.
    Bernd's younger sister, Hedwig, had herself legally declared a
caribou of an endangered subspecies.  Now she pays no taxes, not being
human, and stays for free at the Justus Liebig Institute of Zymurgy and
Caribou Culture, where the famous Herr Professor Arschlecker and his staff
and rod and nice rawhide whips try to crossbreed her with carefully-
selected caribou from Canada.  They show her photographs of the various
male caribou available, and when she picks one a craftsman in Trondheim
starts to carve a little wooden bowl of hard rubber.
    Bernd's girlfriend is a small lump of dried clay that he picked up
in East Africa while on tour and Turing.  He buys it expensive things from
biological supply catalogs, such as hormones extracted in trace quantities
from yak urine, books of obscene crossword puzzles, and lumps of lunar rock.
It shows no signs of appreciation, which only makes his infatuation worse.
    I had often visited Bernd when he was obscure.  I would stuff him
into cigars and smoke him, fix delicious curries out of any girl he brought
home, transfer his consciousness into the body of a piglet and butcher him,
and seek to degrade him as much as I could, for I envied him his smugness
and self-confidence and ability not to ram his toes into sharp objects to
that they were constantly bleeding.
     I fled to the mountains to get away from him, for my envy was
destroying me, and raising my insurance rates.  I got work on a project to
place huge activated-charcoal pads under the foothills to absorb their
noxious and typical foothill odor.

Mark.
[e-mail]