NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #31/NN_1992_31.iso/spool/rec/humor/oracle/d/607

Internet Message Format | 1992-12-29 | 6.9 KB

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From: [e-mail] (Andrew Hackard)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Woodchuck question answered or not?
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 28 Dec 92 22:55:36 GMT
References: <[e-mail]>
Sender: [e-mail]
Organization: The University of Texas at Austin, Austin TX
Lines: 185

In article <[e-mail]> [e-mail] (Lauri Kero) writes:

>  Sorry if this is a FAQ but has anyone ever answered the woodchuck
>question and if so, what was the answer?

Probably the best answer got a 4.6 (I think) in the voting.  A copy is
appended below. (It isn't *really* an answer to the canonical woodchuck
question, but hey -- it's a hoot.)

--Andrew

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Tue, 23 Jun 92 07:25:05 -0500
>From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #460-05

Selected-By: [e-mail] (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh might and great Oracle who can find pleasurable uses even for an IBM
> PC (old 4.77 mhz version) who's zit juice (where you to have zits that
> is) I am not worthy clean from you mirror answer me, you humble
> suplicant, this question.
>
> We are here at ****** Comics are planning on dedicating one of our
> upcomming issues of "Secret Origins" to you and we where wondering
> that, since you are eteranl and therefore don't realy have an origin,
> if you could tell us how you came to be in possesion of your mighty
> <ZOT!> power.
>
> Thank You,
>         Eds.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.  And the
} earth was without form and void, and darkness was on the face of the
} land.  And the Lord said, "Let there be light!"  And there was
} light.  And the Lord saw the light, that it was good.  And it was
} evening, and it was morning, Day One.
}
} And it came to pass that man ate of the fruit of the tree of
} knowledge of good and evil.  And with this knowledge came curiosity,
} and many questions.
}
} And the Lord called upon the Oracle, to answer the questions of man.
} And the Oracle, exceedingly arrogant in those days, demanded of God,
} "What's in it for me?"  And the Lord said, "Let there be Lisa!"  And
} the Oracle saw Lisa, that she was very good.  And it was the
} beginning of a beautiful relationship.
}
} And it came to pass that the Lord became angry with man, and planned
} a great flood to wipe out every living thing.  But And Lord saw Noah,
} that he was righteous, and commanded him to build an Ark, and to take
} upon it of every animal two, a male and a female.
}
} And Noah asked of the Oracle,
}
} > God told me to build an Ark.  But he didn't tell me how.
} > Can you?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } Make the length of the ark three hundred cubits, its breadth
} } fifty cubits, and its height thirty cubits.
} }
} } And include a moon roof, AM/FM/cassette stereo, side-view
} } mirrors, anti-lock brakes, driver's side airbag, and
} } optional power windows and power locks.
} }
} } And make it all for $199 down, and $199/month.
} }
} } You owe the Oracle a unicorn.
}
} And Noah built the Ark, as commanded, and paid the Oracle tribute of
} one unicorn, leaving him with one very lonely unicorn.
}
} And Noah begot Shem.  And Shem asked of the Oracle,
}
} > How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
} > chuck wood?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could
} } chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood, silly.
} }
} } You owe the Oracle a more interesting question.
}
} And Shem begot Arpachshad.  And Arpachshad asked of the Oracle,
}
} > How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
} > chuck wood?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } That question is unoriginal, insipid, and downright annoying.
} } Don't ever ask it again.
} }
} } You owe the Oracle an apology.
}
} And Arpachshad begot Shelah.  And Shelah asked of the Oracle,
}
} > How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
} > chuck wood?
}
} And Shelah begot Eber, and Eber asked of the Oracle how much wood a
} woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.  And Eber
} begot Joktan, and Joktan asked of woodchucks as well.  And Joktan
} begot Jobab, who, for a change of pace, asked when drive-in movies
} would be invented.
}
} And the questions about woodchucks continued for one hundred
} generations.  And the Oracle came before God, and said unto him,
} "Lord, I have promised to answer all of man's questions.  And I have
} provided good answers, ever since Cain asked me whether he was his
} brother's keeper.  And for one hundred generations now, I have
} answered man's incredibly annoying question about woodchucks.  If
} something isn't done about this, I'm going to do something drastic."
}
} And the Lord replied, "I will send my only begotten Son, to spread
} the word, to tell man not to ask the woodchuck question."  And God
} so loved the world that he did send his only begotten Son, in order
} that man may not ask the Oracle the woodchuck question.
}
} And Jesus spoke to the multitudes of loving God, and loving one's
} neighbor, but nary a word about woodchucks.
}
} And the Oracle observed, and was displeased.
}
} And Judas came to ask of the Oracle,
}
} > How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
} > chuck wood?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } Judas, I was going to kill the next person that asked me that
} } question, but since I like you, I'm going to give you another
} } chance.
} }
} } You owe the Oracle a certain favor...
}
} And thus it came to pass that Judas betrayed Jesus to the Romans.
} And on the cross, Jesus let out a cry,
}
} > Oracle, Oracle, why hast thou forsaken me?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} }
}
} For the Oracle had gone to Radio Shack for the parts to build
} himself a <ZOT!> gun.
}
} But the Lord intervened, and said to the Oracle, "Oracle, I release
} you from your obligation to answer man's questions.  It is not worth
} anyone getting <ZOT!>ted over."
}
} And the Oracle was pleased, and spent the better part of the next
} two millenia with Lisa, generally having a great time, and answering
} no questions about woodchucks.
}
} And it came to pass one day that the Pacers were playing the
} Celtics, and the Oracle went to Indiana to see the game.  However,
} the Oracle made a wrong turn, and the next thing he knew,
} supplicants were again lining up to ask questions of the Oracle.
}
} And the first supplicant's question was,
}
} > How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
} > chuck wood?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } <ZOT!>
}
} It was with the next supplicant that the tradition of grovelling
} began.
}
} You owe the Oracle the first issue of the "Cain's wife" edition of
} "Secret Origins."