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- Comments: Gated by NETNEWS@AUVM.AMERICAN.EDU
- Path: sparky!uunet!paladin.american.edu!auvm!CARITAS.COTDAZR.ORG!ZAFT
- Organization: Argus Consulting, Tucson, AZ
- X-Mailer: Mail User's Shell (7.2.4 2/2/92)
- Message-ID: <199212301915.AA02131@caritas.cotdazr.org>
- Newsgroups: bit.listserv.catholic
- Date: Wed, 30 Dec 1992 12:15:28 -0700
- Sender: Free Catholic Mailing List <CATHOLIC@AUVM.BITNET>
- From: "Gordon C. Zaft" <zaft@CARITAS.COTDAZR.ORG>
- Subject: Re: Forwarded mail
- Lines: 154
-
- On Dec 29, 9:49am, "John W. Woolley" wrote:
- } Subject: Forwarded mail, and comments
- } I'm posting this for someone who can't (yet) post directly; she asked
- } that I forward it to the group, and not include her address.
- }
- } ***********************************
- }
- } I've listened to Marty et al discuss the marriage laws and I've listened
- } with interest to the problems of getting a single parent's child baptized.
- } Why is the compassion shown for an infant "bastard" and her young parents
- } not shown for divorcees? Forgive me if my anger/pain/bewilderment/sense of
- } betrayal shows, but that's the point of this posting.
-
- The situations are really not comparable, Colleen. Believe me
- when I say that I found your letter indeed a cry of pain, and your
- story made me sad.
- }
- } I have frequently said over the last five years that I would have been
- } better off killing my ex (not that he deserved it -- he's a good man). I
- } then could have gone to confession, said a sincere Act of Contrition, and
- } remained in the Catholic body of Christ. As it is, I survived four years
- } of attending mass and not taking communion. The pain didn't diminish-- it
- } built. I could take the self-righteous comments from the laity and
- } occasional dolt of a priest ("Didn't you try to save your marriage?" has
- } got to rank as one of the stupidest questions of all time), but the
- } repeated pain of being denied communion became a conditioned response.
- } After a couple years, I couldn't enter a Catholic church without feeling
- } pain. Worshipping God is not supposed to hurt, guys. (I notice only one
- } woman currently posting -- interesting.) Even though I reamined an active
- } parishioner, helping to run the catechism office, raising my son Catholic,
- } and participating in adult ed, I felt more and more like a pariah.
- } Confession wasn't possible; I did not, do not, and never will regret
- } divorcing my ex. What's more, after years of prayer and meditation prior
- } to the act, I am convinced that God understood, forgave, and, I think, even
- } condoned.
-
- A couple of questions/comments. As was said elsewhere, divorce
- does not of itself excommunicate you. Being divorced does not exclude
- you from the Sacrament. If that is the only reason you were denied the
- Sacrament (or denied it to yourself, it's not clear which is the case)
- then by all means go back! If there are other reasons (i.e., if there
- are sins) keeping you from receiving then you would need to confess them
- to receive.
-
- A couple of side comments.... worshipping God doesn't hurt if
- you are in a state of grace. If you aren't, it most certainly DOES
- hurt! As well it should; whenever we separate ourselves from God and
- then go to worship Him, how can we help but feel the pangs of that
- separation? Indeed it would be most unnatural if we didn't feel pain.
-
- }
- } Why is it that divorce is the one sin the Church has no forgiveness for?
-
- Divorce is not a sin, per se, but as you probably know the Church
- does not feel it is possible to divide a (valid) marriage.
- }
- } I know, I'm rambling. Sorry. I just passed my first Christmas since
- } leaving the Church. With very great regret, I left New Year's Eve of last
- } year. I simply couldn't take the pain any longer. The Anglican communion
- } is the true sacrament and they don't mind ministering to sinners. But I
- } still, and always will, miss the Church. For the record, some of the
- } people who love the Church the most can be found kneeling next to me on
- } Sundays.
-
- I'm sure they do. But the Roman Church does minister to sinners
- all the time. I know, I'm a sinner.
- }
- } I guess what I'm asking is, DOES ANYBODY CARE??? The church that I was
- } taught was supposed to minister to me in my time of need turned her back so
- } fast, you would have thought I was an AIDs victim. I take that back -- the
- } Church has been a leader in compassion towards the AIDs victims.
-
- Of course we care! Many parishes have outreach ministries to
- the divorced and widowed... perhaps a parish near you does?
- }
- } Yes, I caused part of the problem myself. I refuse to go through the
- } hypocracy of an annulment. That marriage lasted 18 years, produced two
- } fine children, and was a real marriage in every sense. I won't pretent to
- } a lie otherwise. I also won't spend the rest of my life paying for a sin
- } God has forgiven even if man can't. I like men, I date, and I someday hope
- } to remarry. I won't cut myself off from half the human race and feel
- } myself shriveling inside as I become more and more isolated. Such self
- } destruction is against my understanding of God's will for me. I know in my
- } heart that God wants me to recover and rebuild my life. I also know that
- } the majority of divorced Catholics do as my ex and his wife do -- "fake
- } it". No one knows and no one (intentionally?) asks if they are married in
- } the eyes of the Church. I don't judge them their solution to the problem,
- } and it is a VERY common solution, but years of 12 Step programs have taught
- } me that I can't avail myself of that kind of dishonesty.
-
- An annulment is not dishonest. Ask anyone who's been denied one!
- It doesn't happen that often, usually because people without a reasonably
- good case are discouraged from trying. As the son of a divorced Catholic
- woman, I can understand somewhat of where you are coming from. God does
- indeed want you to recover and rebuild your life. Denying yourself the
- possibility of an annulment if you have a legitimate case for one (which
- of course we don't know) is not noble, not brave -- it is foolish. Foolish
- because you are causing yourself unnecessary pain. Sorry to sound so
- strong, but Colleen, don't make things worse for yourself!
-
- As for your ex's behavior -- I personally do not go around
- inquiring into the state of others' marriages. Why? Because it is
- none of my business! It really doesn't make any difference to me; the
- only one it makes a difference to is God and He isn't fooled.
-
- Being divorced need not lead to isolation. There is more to
- life than marriage! As a single man I can attest to that. Loving
- God and one's neighbor is not dependent on one's state and all are
- called to it.
-
- I feel obliged to point out (though I think you know it already)
- that if you attempt to marry again you WILL cut yourself off from the
- Sacrament. I know when I've thought about this situation (only hypo-
- thetical, for me) it was a question of 'who do I love more?' (or should
- that be 'whom'? I'm really bad on that...) If it's a question of
- the Sacrament vs. a human, well, the Sacrament wins every time. I'm
- sure if you thought about it in those terms you would agree; I think
- you probably just feel the situation is unjust. I don't have an
- answer for that.
- }
- } I found my spiritual solution in talking to a divorced Episcopalian priest.
- } Maybe his warmth was one of empathy -- he certainly had to deal with the
- } same theological questions I was struggling with. It's interesting to note
- } that he, and indirectly I, owe the answer to a Luther minister/friend of
- } his. The answer is simple: Christ came to forgive sins. IF the failure of
- } one's marriage is a result of sin (another discussion, another time),
- } Christ's forgiveness is there for the asking.
-
- Very true.
- }
- } Marty, your dissertation of the marriage laws was eloquent, but is there a
- } possibility (sorry--I'm being facetious) that the law has grown to stand in
- } the way of love?
-
- It's Christ's law, not the Church's.
- }
- } One last request: JJ, hold your comments for now, please? I heard from
- } all the law-and-order people I wanted to hear from before deciding to
- } leave. I know the law, I know the price I have to pay and I knew it before
- } asking for the divorce. Just don't rub salt in the wounds, okay?
-
- Actually, I imagine that you didn't need to aim that at JJ but more
- at myself. Colleen, if I've caused you hurt in what I've said, I'm sorry.
- But sometimes it helps to have an outsider look at one's situation. I
- will keep you in my prayers.
-
- GZ
-
-
-
- --
- * Gordon Zaft Argus Consulting 4500 E. Sunrise #N-6, Tucson, AZ 85718
- * zaft@caritas.cotdazr.org | noao.edu!coyote!caritas!zaft
- Semper fidelis Christi et Vicarii sui.
-