While we are sharing letters, I thought I would share one sent by a friend to
me after I came out to her. I had been out before, then closeted for a long
time for religious "reasons" (I got better!) and had felt pretty apprehensive
about coming out to her - not because I was afraid of her reaction toward my
being gay, but rather because I felt she might be sort of hurt that I hadn't
trusted her with it earlier. I have shared it with several people who have
worried about "what their friends would think," because I believe she hits the
nail right on the head, concerning what real friendship, and love for our
friends, means.
Dear Bob,
We received your card yesterday and I've been mulling over the content and emotion behind your words, as well as the mistaken assumptions I held. Let me say
right off that for both of us nothing has changed in how much we love you, and
how much we value your friendship. You are one of my *dearest* friends, a
National Treasure [private joke] and an honorary uncle to Alexander [their
baby] and Lucy [the cat] (perhaps a dubious honor?). I only feel embarassed
for the assumptions I had, but perhaps those were also due to the depth of
my love and respect for you. In presenting yourself as straight (or at
least as "not Gay") I saw no reason to question or pry. An perhaps this
brings me to another issue you brought up about honesty in friendships. For
me, the key ingredient in close relationships is respect. If you truly
care and love your friend, you respect and trust in what they do in life. One
thing that concerned me in your card is I sense that you were angry (?)
frustrated (?) with yourself for not telling us that you are Gay. But it
seems to me that you had to tell yourself first and accept all of who you
are, after a long struggle against your essence and integrity. Rather
than feeling "deceived," I feel honored that you had the courage to tell
us when you felt as thought you could take the risk. Above all, Bob, I
respect and trust you. You've always done the right thing in our friend-
ship, and one of the things I value in you is your ability and willingness
to reflect, contemplate, and change. If there's one common link in the
people I count as close friends, it's that they have the courage to face
themselves and life. And who's to say what constitutes total honesty or
courage to face oneself? I struggle with my own delusions, or desires-
to-be, and suffer from confrontations with my own shortcomings or
conflicts with reality which slap me upside the head. And so I learn
and grow...
I don't believe that you've been suffering under delusions - I
just meant that about myself. But for anyone who has chosen a path not
sanctioned by majority culture, that person has additional burdens to
carry. Perhaps that's another common feature among people I love and
respect - uniqueness, awareness, and the courage to find one's own path
and walk it with a head held high.
What is most important to me is that you be happy and fulfilled -
that you love yourself for who you are, and allow us to love you as you
are, as you *be* in the world. That, to me, constitutes friendship. I
would be a poor excuse for a friend if I based my feelings for you on a
static vision of who you are. And in that sense, it would be untrue and
hypocritical for me to say nothing has changed. Just as changes in my
life have an impact on our friendship - moving to L.A. with Tom, becoming
a mother - this too has a positive impact laden with potential and challenge
for growth. In fact, I look forward to knowing you better, and learning
from you. After all, friends are also windows on the world, providing
fresh and new perspectives on life, which widen our own perception.
Well, Tom read this and is irritated with me because I said many
of the things *he* wanted to say, but he's going to write you...[continues
with questions about how "out" I want to be, etc...]
