NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #27/NN_1992_27.iso/spool/rec/humor/oracle/107

Internet Message Format | 1992-11-24 | 23.8 KB

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From: [e-mail]
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #505
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 24 Nov 92 05:11:04 GMT
Reply-To: [e-mail]
Followup-To: rec.humor.oracle.d
Organization: Computer Science, Indiana University
Lines: 615
Approved: [e-mail]

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Tue, 24 Nov 92 00:10:30 -0500
From: "Steve Kinzler" <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #505

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
    [e-mail] or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
    505
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

500  43 votes  1cee2 6ja53 489e8 7dac1 24md2 4agb2 4ah75 9ha25 18dg5 234ao
500  3.1 mean   3.1   2.5   3.3   2.7   3.2   2.9   3.0   2.5   3.4   4.2

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 24 Nov 92 00:10:41 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #505-01

Selected-By: Dave Disser <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>                           WOODCHUCK MAN
>                             a song by
>                     They Might Be Supplicants
>                     ---- ----- -- -----------
>
>       Woodchuck Man, Woodchuck Man
>       Doing the things a Woodchuck can
>       What's he like?  It's not important
>       Woodchuck Man
>
>                               Is he calm?  Or running amuck?
>                               When he's in wood, does he chuck?
>                               Or does the wood get him instead?
>                               Nobody knows.
>                               Woodchuck Man
>
>       Oracle Man, Oracle Man
>       Oracle Man hates Woodchuck Man
>       They have a fight, Oracle wins.
>       Oracle Man
>
>                               Supplicant Man, Supplicant Man
>                               Really Annoying Supplicant Man
>                               Usually asks about Woodchuck Man
>                               Supplicant Man
>
>       He's got a watch with a minute hand,
>       Millenium hand and an eon hand
>       When they meet it's a happy land
>       Powerful man, Supplicant Man
>
>                               Oracle Man, Oracle Man
>                               Oracle Man hates Supplicant Man
>                               They have a fight
>                               Oracle wins
>                               Oracle Man

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cute, Supplicant.  Very cute indeed.  Unfortunately, I am compelled to
} inform you that any attempt to publish or record these lyrics will
} result in criminal prosecution.  You see, it bears a remarkable
} similarity to one of my own compositions:  Secret Woodchuck Man, which
} you may have heard running over the credits of the TV series of the
} same name.  The show was an ill-fated attempt to mix nature and
} spy-action programming, but the song hit #12 on the charts back in
} 1965:
}
} SECRET WOODCHUCK MAN
}
} Words and music by U. T. Oracle
} Performed by Johnny Slivers
} from the TV series "Secret Woodchuck Man" starring Patrick McMarmot
} ______________________________
} There's a chuck who lives a life of danger
} The nightmare of every forest ranger
} Don't tell him that he's cute
} If you do your life is moot
} Odds are you won't live to see tomorrow
}
} Secret Woodchuck Man!
} Secret Woodchuck Man!
} Give him all your lumber
} 'Cause chuckin' is his game...
}
} Alone he waddles through the forest silence
} Twenty pounds of wild rodentine violence
} With cheek pouches made of steel
} He's makin' you his next meal
} And odds are you won't live to see tomorrow!
}
} Secret Woodchuck Man!
} Secret Woodchuck Man!
} Give him all your lumber
} 'Cause chuckin' is his game...
}
} Don't ask him where he's from or where he's goin'
} Or how long will the winter winds be blowin'
} Or the chuckin' that he could
} Do if a woodchuck could chuck wood
} 'Cause odds are you won't live to see tomorrow!
}
} Secret Woodchuck Man!
} Secret Woodchuck Man!
} Give him all your lumber
} 'Cause chuckin' is his game...
}
} You owe the Oracle a cord of wood and a martini (shaken, not stirred).

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 24 Nov 92 00:10:42 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #505-02

Selected-By: [e-mail]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>       I have tried all the dishes of the great chef boy-ar-dee and yet
> they all taste similar somehow.  His spaghetti-o's taste not unlike his
> beef ravioli, and so to his beefaroni resembles his spaghetti and
> meatballs. Why is this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mr. Boy R. Dee is actually a Chemical Engineer with a M.S. from the
} University of Wisconsin, Madison.  He stumbled upon his secret formula
} by accident -- he was originally attempting to synthesize a more
} cost-efficient, elastic, and lighter brassiere elastic when he
} accidentally added tomato paste instead of toluene.  The resultant mess
} that exploded all over the room suddenly got Mr. Dee's brain moving
} when he realized that
}       a) it sorta smelled and tasted like lousy spaghetti, and
}       b) it cost about $0.013/pound to make.
}
} All he needed to do was add a tiny amount of some ridiculously
} addictive substance to it (he had a hard time trying to find the
} extracts of power and sex, so he switched to cocaine instead), and it
} could pass off as some quasi-food product which people kept eating for
} no apprent reason, not knowing that they were addicted.
}
} And that is why people like you still buy one different product of Mr.
} Dee's after another -- for that lift -- not realizing that it's all the
} same, noxious substance in different forms.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 7-11 cheese burrito, NOW!

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 24 Nov 92 00:10:44 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #505-03

Selected-By: [e-mail] (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Usenet Oracle, whose magnificient brain contains more knowledge
> than a computer the size of the Earth could ever hope to hold, and
> whose magnimosity with supplicants who run out of imagination halfway
> through a grovel is the greatest in the Universe, please help this
> lowly supplicant.
>
> Yesterday, I bought a *ZOT*-proof vest from a guy who said he had
> permission to sell Officially Licensed UseNet Oracle (tm) merchandise.
> (I also bought a 24 month Lisa calendar, and have a question about
> the watermelons on July/93, but I'll ask that later.)  Anyhow, after
> the guy left, I realized there was only one way to test the vest,
> which is to wear it and send off the WQ.  Unfortunately, if this
> vest is a fake, I'll be dead (and also out $250).  And that would
> mean I'd never get to spend May '94 staring at all those feather
> dusters, and I really don't want it to happen.  So I'll just quietly
> logoff now...
>
> No, I've got to know, so with one last look at December 1994, please
> tell me this.  How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck
> could chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me tell you, kid, you've just had one heck of a close call. That
} vest happens to be a fake. The calendar is a fake. The WQ is a FAQ.
} Lucky for you, though, that I just bought me a WQ-proof vest. Let's
} watch it in action:
}
} SUPPLICANT: Oh, mighty Oracle, whose thumb I am not worthy to tack,
} whose smoke I am not worthy to stack, whose king I am not worthy to
} pin, tell me: how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck
} could chuck wood?
} ORACLE: La dee da da... Da dee, da da. Say, Lisa, did you hear
} something?
}
} Pretty impressive, eh? I'll never again have to deal with the WQ. It
} just rolls right off, like water off a melon. I'm so pleased that
} not only will I not *ZOT* you, I'll even give you the phone number of
} the woman who posed for that pseudo-Lisa calendar.
}
} You owe the Oracle a poster-sized copy of January 94.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 24 Nov 92 00:10:45 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #505-04

Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> A size 6 green hat was found in room 243.  Please come claim it at the
> front office if it is yours.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Ding]
} .................
} hmmmm, hm hm hm, ........<figit>
} [ding,ding,ding,ding,ding]
} Clerk: <from room at back> Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, just hold your frickin
}        horses.
} Clerk: <appearing behind the counter> We're full.
} Oracle: My hat, please.
} C: I ain't da frickin hat check girl, buddy, beat it.
} O: My hat that was found in room 243. The green size 6. Right back
}    there on the shelf.
} C: Your gonna havta talk to da manager, buddy.
} O: Just give me my hat.
} C: HEY JOEY, COME ON OUT HERE. I GOT THE GUY FROM 243 HERE. SAYS HE
}    WANTS HIS HAT.
} Joey the Manager: Mr. Oracle, we got a little problem here.
} O: Just give me the hat.
} J: Well, first I want to clear up a matter with some damages and your
}    room service bill.  First of all we lost our best maid.  She quit.
}    Said no way was she gonna clean up the dead woodchucks and bird
}    entrails. The carpet is ruined. The TV doesn't work right anymore.
}    Only gets one channel. Some kind of Use it news or some crap like
}    that.  And nobody paid for the six cans of Crisco(tm) and the two
}    dozen polish sausages you ordered.
} O: So what's your question?
} J: WHAT'S MY QUESTION?
} O: That'll do. Forgot to grovel, did you? I knew you would.
} J: What the hey?
} O: That's two.
} Clerk: Hey what do you think your doing?
} O: Good joining your boss. Plenty of questions. No grovel. I think the
}    solution is clear.
} <ZOT> <ZOT>
} [The Oracle somehow manages to put the size 6 hat on his size 14 head]
}
} Thank you suplicant for assisting the Oracle.  Your reward for
} finding the hat is some of this leftover Polish Woodchuck Stew.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 24 Nov 92 00:10:47 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #505-05

Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> When Jesus rose from the dead, he didn't do a huge amount. According to
> the Bible he had a quick conversation and disappeared to heaven or
> something. So why did he bother rising from the dead? Was it just
> sensationalism?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The answer to your question is like this: A man had three
} servants. The first servant came unto the man, and said, "The kingdom
} of heaven is like a mustard seed." Unto him, the master said, "You have
} spoken the truth, but you neglected to grovel." Thus it
} came to pass that the master <ZOT>ed the first servant.
}         Then came unto the man the second servant, who said, "Render
} unto ceasar that which is ceasar's, oh great and powerful master."
} Unto him, the master said, "You, too, have spoken the truth, and your
} grovel you have not forsaken. Yet I beheld your grovel, and it was not
} clever, and therefore will I not answer unto you." And the servant
} went in peace.
}         Then came unto the man the third servant, who said, "Oh,
} great and powerful master, whose servant's servant's servant's
} servant's servant's second cousin's servant I am not worthy to be, who
} speaks in parables so obtuse that _Finnegan's Wake_ is as an Aesop's
} fable, who can feed the whole world with a single loaf of bread and a
} sixpack of Jolt, tell me please: was Jesus's resurrection just a bit of
} sensationalism?"
}       And, verily, the master was pleased, and he said unto his
} servant, "You have spoken the truth, and your grovel have you not
} forsaken. I have beheld your grovel, and, behold, it was clever.
} Therefore will I answer unto you with a parable. The answer to your
} question is like this: A man had three servants. The first servant--"
}       Alas, at that moment, the master was struck down with plague.
} And there was much wailing, and gnashing of teeth, but it availed not,
} and the servant never got a decent answer. C'est la vie.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Shroud of Turin, or a really warm scarf.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 24 Nov 92 00:10:48 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #505-06

Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O most glorious Oracle, whose thermos doth keep hot things hot and cold
> things cold, yea for all eternity:
>
> The answer is:  37 greyhound puppies and a blender.
>
> What is the question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The question is:
}
} How do you make a dog team mush?

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 24 Nov 92 00:10:50 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #505-07

Selected-By: Todd Radel <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, whose shoes are pumped with uranium hexafluoride
> gas, and whose carpet I am unfit to ensconce,
>
> How many men must walk upon a road, before it is considered a road?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer is three men.  If one man walks it, it is not yet anything
} but the place where one man has walked.  If two men walk it, they will
} not let anyone else know about it for fear that they will be branded
} gay by the conservative elite and hence be unfit for military service.
}
} But if three men walk it, it's a road.  Expect the Burma Shave signs
} and nasty diesel-spewing Volvos any day now.
}
} If, however, a cat walks it, all bets are off and the road is a
} catwalk.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cat who won't ensconce his rugs.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 24 Nov 92 00:10:51 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #505-08

Selected-By: [e-mail] (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Reader
> This lucky chain letter was started by Estupido Cabeza, a missionary in
> Uruguay who discovered the Secrets of Good Fortune chiselled into a
> stone on which he was relieving himself while on a pilgrimmage to the
> Shrine of Our Lady of the Chronic Wheeze high in Andes.  Senor Cabeza
> wants to share his extraordinary luck with the people of the world
> through this letter.
>
> How can you share in Estupido's luck?  Simply add your name to the
> bottom of the list below, send $5 or the equivalent in aluminum cans
> to the person at the top of the list.  Then cross the top name off,
> make copies and distribute to 100 of your closest friends and family
> members.  Then wait.  Something good will happen to you within a
> week.  A woman in Warsaw lost all her facial hair!  A man in Athens
> was mysteriously willed a chain of bath houses!  A troubled plumbing
> executive in New York City suddenly had all charges against him
> dropped!  These wonderful things can happen to you!
>
> Do not break this chain.  I am not responsible for what happens to you
> if you do!  One lady in Minneapolis lost all four limbs in a Cuisinart
> accident only three days after throwing the letter away.  The curse
> struck one woman in Dresden so rapidly that she was dead by the time
> the letter arrived!  Please, do not let this happen to you!
>
> Add your name to this list, and good luck!
>
> > >  Ed McMahon
> > >  Ross Perot
> > >  Homer Simpson
> > >  Tommy Lasorda
> > >  Jeffrey Dahmer
> > >  Saddam Hussein
> > >  Darkwing Duck
> > >  Laura Palmer
> > >  Madonna

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > Dear Reader
} > This lucky chain letter was started by Estupido Cabeza, a missionary
} > in Uruguay who discovered the Secrets of Good Fortune chiselled into
} > a stone on which he was relieving himself while on a pilgrimmage to
} > the Shrine of Our Lady of the Chronic Wheeze high in Andes.  Senor
} > Cabeza wants to share his extraordinary luck with the people of the
} > world through this letter.
} >
} > How can you share in Estupido's luck?  Simply add your name to the
} > bottom of the list below, send $5 or the equivalent in aluminum cans
} > to the person at the top of the list.  Then cross the top name off,
} > make copies and distribute to 100 of your closest friends and family
} > members.  Then wait.  Something good will happen to you within a
} > week.  A woman in Warsaw lost all her facial hair!  A man in Athens
} > was mysteriously willed a chain of bath houses!  A troubled plumbing
} > executive in New York City suddenly had all charges against him
} > dropped!  These wonderful things can happen to you!
} >
} > Do not break this chain.  I am not responsible for what happens to
} > you if you do!  One lady in Minneapolis lost all four limbs in a
} > Cuisinart accident only three days after throwing the letter away.
} > The curse struck one woman in Dresden so rapidly that she was dead by
} > the time the letter arrived!  Please, do not let this happen to you!
} >
} > Add your name to this list, and good luck!
} >
} > > >  Ed McMahon
} > > >  Ross Perot
} > > >  Homer Simpson
} > > >  Tommy Lasorda
} > > >  Jeffrey Dahmer
} > > >  Saddam Hussein
} > > >  Darkwing Duck
} > > >  Laura Palmer
} > > >  Madonna
} > > >  *Usenet Oracle*

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 24 Nov 92 00:10:53 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #505-09

Selected-By: Dave Disser <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh, great oracle, who's very feet I am not worth to sniff in the dark
> of midnight...
>
> There are so many beautiful girls here at college -- I just can't seem
> to find one that will like me or even go out with me! Do I have any
> hope at all? What should I do or say to get their attention?! (In a
> good way, that is...)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ha, foolish mortal. Watch the oracle in action, and learn.
}
} SCENE: A bar in a college town. A babe sits at a bar. Enter Oracle.
}
} ORACLE: Greetings, mortal. May I buy you a drink?
} BABE: Get lost.
} ORACLE: So, what's your sign?
} BABE: Buzz off.
} ORACLE: Would you like to see my etchings?
} BABE: Amscray.
} ORACLE: Have you got any ancient Greek in you? Would you like some?
} BABE: Vamoose.
} ORACLE: If you don't go out with me, I'll vaporize you into your
} component atoms.
} BABE: Make like an exorcist and get the hell out of here.
} [Suddenly, a thick bolt of lightening strikes, vaporizing the entire
} bar and leaving only the babe, the Oracle, and their bar stools.]
} BABE: Your place or mine?
}
} Hmmm... As you can see, even I have trouble finding romance. The best
} advice I can give you is: be patient. The right person will come
} along someday, and, when she does, things will work out, provided you
} don't accidently atomize her first.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise that you won't mention this little bar
} escapade to Lisa. She thinks I'm at an aluminum-siding convention

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 24 Nov 92 00:10:54 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #505-10

Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Oracle of wisdom and terror, he who strikes fear into the hearts of
> men, tell me:
>
> I recently got done running lights for a production of "The
> Fantasticks" which is a musical drama.  At one point there's a somewhat
> silly monologue about a forest in which reference is made to the place
> "where woodchucks woo".  Do woodchucks really woo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Scene:  An underground headquarters miles below a serene woods.
} In front of a giant computer screen sits the Oracle's arch enemy,
} the Wood Chuck.  He sits before his EviL Villian Information System,
} which is really an overpriced and obselete computer terminal of
} megalithic proportions.
}
} Wood Chuck: Bwahahahahahaha!  Now my plan is near completion.  With
}             the help of ELVIS here, I have been able to infiltrate
}             the Oracle's inquiry acceptance system and flood the
}             place with woodchuck queries.  Not only has this reduced
}             the Oracle's efficiency, but other supplicants have now
}             started doing the same thing.  Hahahahaha.  And since
}             the Oracle will get bogged down in his question queue,
}             I will then present myself as omniscient, and with my
}             vast knowledge on the subject of woodchucks, I shall
}             dismiss those questions and take over the Oracle's
}             position.  Then he will be disgraced, and his life of
}             luxury (and Lisa) will be mine.  Nyahahahahahah!!!
}             As a matter of fact, I'll start leeching off the
}             Oracle's queue, answer a few easy woodchuck questions,
}             and the Oracle's doom will be sealed.  Let's see, what
}             is this question...
}
} > O Oracle of wisdom and terror, he who strikes fear into the hearts of
} > men, tell me:
} >
} > I recently got done running lights for a production of "The
} > Fantasticks" which is a musical drama.  At one point there's a
} > somewhat silly monologue about a forest in which reference is made to
} > the place "where woodchucks woo".  Do woodchucks really woo?
}
} Wood Chuck: WHAT?!?!?  What kind of idiotic question is this?
}             Woodchucks don't woo.  It's all instinctual.  What is
}             this cr...
}
} Wall: *CRASH*
}
} Oracle: HA!  At last I've found you, and am here to stop you evil
}         plans.
}
} Wood Chuck: Wait!  How'd you find my secret hideout?
}
} Oracle: The same way I discovered your insidious plan.  I noted that
}         there were way too many woodchuck questions, and so sent myself
}         the query "Why are there so many woodchuck questions?"  As soon
}         as I replied, I knew the answer, and all that remained was to
}         ask myself where you were and how to defeat you.
}
} Wood Chuck: And how is that?
}
} Oracle: Do woodchucks really woo?
}
} Wood Chuck: No!  Stop!  Don't ask me that!!!
}
} Oracle: Do woodchucks really woo?
}
} Wood Chuck: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
}
} Oracle: Do woodchucks really woo?
}
} Wood Chuck: Okay, okay, you've won today.  But I warn you, I'll find
}             some way to destroy you.
}
} Oracle: Yes, but until them, I've decided how to punish you. [whistles]
}
} A huge crowd enters the room.
}
} Wood Chuck: Who are they?
}
} Oracle: The International Society of Woodchuck Theorists.  They have
}         a few questions for you.
}
} Society Member #1:  How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a
}                     woodchuck could chuck wood?
}
} Society Member #2:  How much wood could a male woodchuck get up in
}                     the presense of an attractive female woodchuck?
}
} Society Member #3:  If a woodchuck chucks wood in the forest and nobody
}                     is around, does it make any noise?
}
} Wood Chuck: No, you can't leave me here.
}
} Oracle: On the contrary, from now on I'll let you handle all my
}         inquiries of this nature.  And remember, kids, only you
}         can prevent woodchuck questions.

------------------------------

End of Usenet Oracularities Digest #505
***************************************