NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #27/NN_1992_27.iso/spool/rec/humor/oracle/103

Internet Message Format | 1992-11-16 | 21.3 KB

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From: [e-mail]
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #501
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 16 Nov 92 14:26:58 GMT
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----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Nov 92 09:26:29 -0500
From: "Steve Kinzler" <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #501

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
    [e-mail] or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
    501
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

496  35 votes  4ca45 ae920 6bb34 28e83 287b7 2d794 34ca6 28ca3 3ba65 26ca5
496  3.0 mean   2.8   2.1   2.7   3.1   3.4   3.0   3.3   3.1   3.0   3.3

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Nov 92 09:26:38 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #501-01

Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great and wise Oracle, who taught Einstein about light and
> even gave a few pointers to Stephen Hawking, please help this
> lowly supplicant in his search for knowledge.
>
> I know that Time flies when you're having Fun, but the Theory
> of Relativity also states that Time passes faster for someone
> travelling at the speed of light as opposed to those not moving
> at 1c.  So how much fun would I be having if I were travelling
> at the speed of light?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!C O N G R A D U L A T I O N S !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
}
} You have just made one of the most important discoveries of history.
}
}      Time * Velocity
}      ---------------   =  C
}          Fun
}
} This is both the secrect of space travel and a really good buzz.
}
} As you can see from the equation, having a lot of fun at a constant
} velocity will cause a time dialation.  This further explains why a
} boring lecture is so slow.  The Fun reciprical is a drag on time.
}
} Now here is the good part, as you increase you velocity to very high
} speeds using rockets or something time starts dilate naturally because
} of the stuff Einstien worked out, but since C is (mostly) constant
}
} WHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
}
} is a universal expresion! It is time to Part-ey!   Some space going
} races have left themselves in permanent overdrive just to experiance
} this, intergalactic winos if you will.
}
} Now the secret of space travel is to hold time constant (it is
} possible) and have fun!  Your velocity increases at a linear rate
} relative to Fun. The astronauts of the future will be well versed in
} the Karma Sutra, non contact sports and boardgames.  The Sex Drive will
} be capable of taking you out of this world.
}
} You owe the Oracle the equations for the time dialion effect, a six
} pack and a condom.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Nov 92 09:26:40 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #501-02

Selected-By: [e-mail] (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Great and nifty (even KEEN!) Oracle -- you are so good to us lowly ones
> could you please answer my simple question:
>
> How can I open this soda? I just don't understand how to do it without
> -- some kind of instruction, and "ME. VT. CT. MA. .05 DEPOSIT" just
> doesn't make any sense to me...
>
> (Oh, and if it helps any, "2260NH51546CC" is written on the bottom.)
>
> --Thirsty

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       To my uneducated and overly dense supplicant-
} Because of your expert grovelling, I have chosen to answer your
} question. mechanical voltage cremate mallet
}
} What you failed to do in your attempt at opening was take a closer look
} at the message on the side. "ME. VT. CT. MA. .05 DEPOSIT" is actually
} the steps one should go through in breaching the can.  The first step,
} represented by "ME.",stands for mechanical. In lamens terms, you should
} first try some mechanical means of opening the can (for example, a can
} opener).  If that doesn't work, move to step two, given by "VT." What
} that represents is voltage.  Try intense electricution on the container
} to see if you can gain entry.  The third step, if the first two fail,
} is "CT.", or cremate.  Go to a recycling plant and ask permission to
} use one of their machines to bombard your can with intense heat.  That
} should usually give you insight to the inside of your stubborn package.
}  If you try these three steps, however, and you are still
} without-liquid, move to the fourth direction, "MA."  This instruction
} is translated as mallet.  Just take a huge 20 to 30 pound hammer and
} smack it a few times.  You should then gain entry for consumption.  If
} none of those four methods work, you need to follow the last direction,
} " .05 DEPOSIT".  Go back to whatever store or machine you got the pop
} from, deposit five cents (or give a nickel to the cashier), leave the
} can, and appologize for your stupidity.
}
} You owe the Oracle a six pack and the last idea left in your brain.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Nov 92 09:26:41 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #501-03

Selected-By: Todd Radel <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Ah good evening, Mr Oracle, come in.  Please, lie back on the couch and
> relax. So how has your week been ? What's that ?  Oh yes, the grovel.
> I am sorry, I thought we'd worked through those feelings last week.
> Very well : wise Mr Oracle, glory be to Mr Oracle, ... will that do ?
> *Feeble* ?.  I shall try harder next time.
> Now, during your last appointment we were discussing your superiority
> complex problem.  Eh ?  Well, you may not think it is a problem, but
> you did come to me complaining that you were alienating your, er,
> "supplicants". Do you not think that requiring them to grovel might be
> a factor ?   What's that ? You *are* superior ?  Well, that may be
> true, but I think they're getting fed up with having to admit it all
> the time.  Pride, you see.  Eh ? Well,  I'm not sure if this "<ZOT>ing"
> IS the answer, Mr Oracle.  You will run out of supplicants soon if you
> keep toasting them.  What ?  My name is Sigmund, not "Wise Ass", Mr
> Oracle, but in answer, what I would suggest is a month long repeal of
> the "Grovel" law, to attract them back.  Things can proceed as normal
> after that.  Does that sound like a good idea ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're just like the rest of them! They're all out to get me, you know.
} First it was the KGB and the CIA, but lately it has spread. You realize
} that, don't you? Only the other day there was one on the phone. Oh yes,
} I know he said he had got a wrong number. But they can't fool me. Oh
} no, I'm too smart, you see. Much too smart. That's why they're out to
} get me. Because I'm smart. They can't tolerate that, you know.
}
} It's been the same with all great people. They wanted to stop Gallilei,
} remember? They called Columbus and Einstein fools. They're trying to
} frame me in the same manner.
}
} But they won't succeed. Oh no, they won't. Because I've still got my
} ZOTter. Let them just try to get at me, then they'll see. Heh, heh.
} I'll blow their brains out. Then they'll be sorry. Then they'll come
} asking me to forgive them. They'll come begging. Ah, yes.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Nov 92 09:26:43 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #501-04

Selected-By: [e-mail] ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> #include<extendedgrovel>
>
> dear mrs. oracle,
>   or can I call you Lisa??
>
>      Who is right: Graham-Everet-Wheeler (multiple universes)
>                  Schroedinger/Bohr/Heisenberg (it is not there until
>                                                you look at it...)
>                    von Neumann (the statevector will collapse into
>                               eigenstates (but HOW and WHY?))
>                     Penrose (it will collapse due to gravity )
>                   Einstein - Rosen-Podalsky (the non-local group)
>
>    Your puzzled novice
>
>    p.s. Hi Lisa, what do you think of an italian restaurant this night?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's about time someone tapped my intellect. I am grateful that
} you have directed your question to me instead of my omniscient
} significant other.
}
} Naturally, your question is rather difficult to answer, and involves a
} careful balance of multiple-variable integration, quantum chemistry,
} astrophysics, thermodynamics, and Grand Unified Theory. And, your puny
} mind probably can't handle the reams and reams of notes I have made on
} the subject. So, I will try to simplify my conclusion:
}
} Nerf Football.
}
} That's it. I hope you can understand what I'm trying to say. Come back
} when you get your PhD, and maybe I can add a couple more syllables to
} my summary.
}
} And, in regards to the Italian restaurant- Orrie & I would probably
} love to join you...
}
} What? You didn't really think I'd DATE you? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
}
} You owe the Oracle's honey-bun: a box of Kleenex! I'm laughing so hard,
}                                 I'm crying! HAHAHA! He wants to date
}                                 me! HAHA!

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Nov 92 09:26:44 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #501-05

Selected-By: [e-mail]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> All-knowledgeable Oracle,
>  I am convinced that I am a woman in a woman's body.  How can I
> get out?
>
> --Janice

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Janice,
}
} You are suffering from a brutal and soul-wrenching problem that
} was first diagnosed by Sigmund Freud in a woman named Onna A. -- a
} disorder known as gynecointragynia.
}
} Onna A. manifested some of the worst, most pathological symptoms
} of the disease.  Her family began to notice when she began trying to
} peel away her skin to, in her words, "reveal the woman within."
} (Luckily, she was using a dull Ronco turnip peeler, so the cuts were
} minimal.) Then she began swooping around the house singing "Please
} Release Me (Let Me Go)" as she threw her clothes off, intermittently
} punctuating her singing with screams of "I'm not really a woman!  I'm
} actually a _woman_!  A _woman_, dammit!"  The last straw came when Onna
} attempted suicide by applying makeup on the inside of her facial skin.
}
} Freud eventually treated Onna A. by bringing in Salvador Dali
} (then only an unborn anachronism, but still very talented) to paint a
} picture of how Onna would look if she got rid of the woman's body,
} revealing the woman within.  Much more efficacious than an anatomy
} text, Dali's classic (called "The Impermanence of Mammary," and the
} first appearance of melting cocks in his work, although Dali eventually
} switched from roosters to timepieces) was the first known example of
} art therapy.
}
} Modern methods employ knowledge gained from up-to-date research.
} Since it is well-known now that people who have near-death experiences
} (NDEs) often perceive themselves as free of the confines of their body
} for short periods of time, that fact has been used as a means of
} treatment. NDE therapy, in which the patient's heart is stopped and
} then restarted with CPR, allows many women with gynecointragynia to
} escape from their bodies and see that it's really not so hot after all.
}  After a few sessions, they become acceptant of being women trapped in
} women's bodies, and usually just spend the rest of their lives in a
} state of normal, productive, maudlin unfulfillment.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tape of the Geraldo episode that you were on.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Nov 92 09:26:45 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #501-06

Selected-By: [e-mail]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> make relationship\ work
> Make:  Don't know how to make relationship work.  Stop.
>
> Now what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obviously you don't have the proper makefile.
}
} (Fill in the variables as appropriate.)
}
} SO = <your SO's name here>
}
} relationship\ work: flowers dinner sex
}
} flowers:
}         give $(SO) flowers
}
} dinner:
}         buy $(SO) dinner
}
} sex:
}         sex -g $(SO) || echo $(SO) has a headache.
} ###
}
} Try that.
}
} make supplicant\ grovel
} Make:  Don't know how to make supplicant grovel.  Stop.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Nov 92 09:26:47 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #501-07

Selected-By: [e-mail]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> When I was growing up, I thought I would grow up to look just like
> Barbie. But now that I've grown, I've found that certain parts of me
> just aren't as big as Barbie.  Why did it turn out that way, Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And now, direct from the top of the building that towers over all your
} miserable hovels, in the richest part of town and staring right at you
} through huge gaps in his teeth and I.Q., it's DAAAAA-VIIIIID
} LETTERMAAAAAAAAAAAN!  Tonight's star attractions: Whoopi Goldberg -
} Pearl Jam - The Usenet Oracle - Stupid Pet Tricks - ... and Paul
} Schafer with the World's Most Dangerous BAND!
}
} <applause, followed by monologue, followed by extreme close-up of
} Dave's gap teeth>
}
} "Our first guest on tonight's live Late Night is a woman we're all
} increasingly and nauseatingly familiar with these days.  She's an
} actress, comedienne, has her own talk show, and moonlights as Guinan on
} Star Trek: The Next Generation.  Let's all give a big welcome to WHOOPI
} GOLDBERG folks!"
}
} (unexpected scuffling backstage.  An indignant voice rips out)
}
} "What do you MEAN I have to wait my turn?  Get out of my way!  I should
} have top billing!  You aren't even a GENUINE alien bartender!  Why I
} oughta..."
}
} (a loud charring noise is heard from behind the curtains.  The smell of
} ozone fills the studio.  The curtains part, revealing a tall,
} disturbingly handsome Usenet Oracle.  Dave stifles an impulse to gag.)
}
} "You didn't see that Paul" he says.
}
} (Paul smiles behind his shades, nods his balding head, and picks a bad
} time to start playing "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes".  The Oracle sits
} himself comfortably in a sofa that hovers an inch or so above the
} ground.  It hadn't been there a moment ago.  The crowd applauds
} appreciatively.  They have no choice.)
}
} "Well, Oracle.  Nice to have you on the show.  What have you got for us
} today?"
}
} (The Oracle takes a small plastic-wrapped box from under his arm and
} puts it in his lap.)
}
} "Thanks Dave.  It's good to be back, and boy have I got a surprise for
} you."
}
} "What's that you've got in your hand, Oracle?"
}
} "Well Dave, seeing the way you dress and the outdated jokes you use,
} you may not know this yet but, heh-heh, it's the nineties.  The '90's,
} Dave.  It's an important time to be thinking about what people want
} next.  It's a new age of reason and liberality."
}
} "You're talking about president Clinton."
}
} "I'm talking about plastic girlie toys, homeboy."
}
} "What?"
}
} "I'm talking about Barbie and Ken dolls, nerdball."
}
} (The Oracle pulls a doll out of the box.  It is a replica of a young
} man, handsome, stylish wavy hair, and bathing suit."
}
} "Ehr, it's got tits on it, Oracle."
}
} "So?"
}
} "Ken's not supposed to have tits."
}
} "So?"
}
} (Dave takes a close look at the doll's pelvic region)
}
} "A SPLIT-CROTCH SWIMSUIT?  Oracle, this doll doesn't even have a... you
} know... a..."
}
} "Twelve-inch willy, Dave?"
}
} "YEAH!"
}
} "That's because, Dave, this is the...
}
}                CROSS-DRESSER TRANSVESTITE ACTION KEN DOLL!!!
}                                                             (Tm.)"
}
} "You must be joking."
}
} "Dave, would I kid you?  This is what the public wants!  This is what
} it NEEDS!  The masses cry out for Ken dolls with bazongas!  Ever since
} Ken and Barbie appeared several decades ago, he's been wearing peach
} and cream suits, lime-green leisure suits, and sunglasses perched over
} his oh-so-permed hair! This is the Ken Doll of the nineties!  HE'S COME
} OUT OF THE CLOSET!!!"
}
} "What will they think of next.  Well, thanks for coming on Oracle.
} We'll go to commercial, folks, and come right back with Stupid Pet
} Tricks and Pearl Jam.  Stay tuned."
}
} (throws pencil.  Sound of cat being torn apart by chainsaw.  Obvious
} audio F/X problem...)
}
} "No WAIT, Dave!  I haven't FINISHED!  Wait'll you see my BUTCH-ACTION
} HAIRY LEGS BEER-SWILLING BARBIE DOLL!  They'll love her up in
} DesMoines!!!  THEY..
}
} (fade to black)
} ------------------------------
}
} Oh damn.  You owe the Oracle a spot on Geraldo.  Where'd I put my
} ZOT-gun...

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Nov 92 09:26:49 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #501-08

Selected-By: [e-mail] (Ken McGlothlen)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh omnipotent woodchuck <del>..<backspace> , oracle.
>
> I would like to ask you a question, which has nothing to do with
> woodchucks, not at all, trust me.
>
> I have this pet, not a woodchuck, looks completely different from one,
> no woodchuckish features at all, and it is spending the day sleeping,
> (in a very un-woodchuck-like way), and the nighttime in a
> wood-chucking frenzy (note the hyphen, this has nothing whatsoever
> to do with woodchucks). Should i continue supplying my pet (which
> is not -I repeat *NOT*- a woodchuck) with wood, or should i try
> to help if fight thit nasty un-woodchuck-like (since woodchucks
> can't chuck wood) habit ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *Ring*
}
} *Ring*
}
} Hello, you have reached the Usenet Oracle's Woodchuck hotline.  If you
} have a question about woodchucks, press "1" now.
}
} If you have a real question not concerning woodchucks, press "2".
}
} *2*
}
} Please state your question at the tone and one of our representatives
} will be with you shortly.
}
} *Question stated*
}
} Thank you, expect a reply shortly.
} ...
}
} Sir, you should shoot the poor thing and put it out of its misery!
} Rabid animals are a danger to themselves and to everyone else.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new answering machine.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Nov 92 09:26:50 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #501-09

Selected-By: [e-mail] (Ken McGlothlen)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great oracle from whom we should all cringe in terror lest you
> <ZOT!> us from sheer boredom, grant me a gift of your wisdom.
>
> Why are there no questions for you to subcontract out to the masses of
> helpful suplicants who wait breathlessly for a chance to answer a
> question which you deem to be beneath your standards and refuse to
> answer it, in your great wisdom, yourself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK
}
} The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
}
} > Oh great oracle from whom we should all cringe in terror lest you
} > <ZOT!> us from sheer boredom, grant me a gift of your wisdom.
} >
} > Why are there no questions for you to subcontract out to the masses
} > of helpful suplicants who wait breathlessly for a chance to answer a
} > question which you deem to be beneath your standards and refuse to
} > answer it, in your great wisdom, yourself?

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Nov 92 09:26:52 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #501-10

Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What will become of America now that Clinton has won the ellections?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Everybody's taxes will go up.  Clinton will bed Elle MacPherson as his
} prize for having won the ellection.  The nation's infrastructure will
} be rebuilt, giving a few thousand people jobs and raising the deficit.
} A new religion will spring up that worships Ronald Reagan and Ronald
} McDonald as a Duality, and attract millions of converts.  Jane Fonda
} will have a sex-change operation.  Hillary Clilnton will have a torrid
} lesbian affair with the new Supreme Court justice, Anita Hill.  Ross
} Perot's daughter will immolate herself on the White House fence.  There
} will be a 50-cent-a-gallon fuel tax.  The stock market will go bear.

------------------------------

End of Usenet Oracularities Digest #501
***************************************