NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #27/NN_1992_27.iso/spool/rec/humor/34495

Internet Message Format | 1992-11-20 | 8.2 KB

Path: sparky!uunet!usc!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!menudo.uh.edu!ccsvax.sfasu.edu!z_arthurjk
From: [e-mail]
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: *** Offensive Limericks ***
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 20 Nov 92 15:18:26 CST
References: <[e-mail]>
Distribution: usa
Organization: Stephen F. Austin State University
Lines: 323

In article <[e-mail]>, [e-mail] () writes:
>
>
> A bather whose clothing was strewed
> By breezes that left her quite nude,
>     Saw a man come along
>     And, unless I'm quite wrong,
> You expected this line to be lewd.
>
>
> A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
> I am not I, I'm a tree."
>     But another, more sane,
>     Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
> And covered his pants leg with pee.
>
>
> A mathematician named Hall
> Has a hexahedronical ball,
>     And the cube of its weight
>     Times his pecker's, plus eight
> Is his phone number -- give him a call..
>
>
> Once sat herself down on a molehill.
>     A curious mole
>     Nosed into her hole --
> Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
>
>
> A pretty young maiden from France
> Decided she'd "just take a chance."
>     She let herself go
>     For an hour or so
> And now all her sisters are aunts.
>
>
> A remarkable race are the Persians;
> They have such peculiar diversions.
>     They make love the whole day
>     In the usual way
> And save up the nights for perversions.
>
>
> A team playing baseball in Dallas
> Called the umpire blind out of malice.
>     While this worthy had fits
>     The team made eight hits
> And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
>
>
> A wanton young lady from Wimley
> Reproached for not acting quite primly
>     Said, "Heavens above!
>     I know sex isn't love,
> But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
>
>
> A wanton young lady from Wimley
> Reproached for not acting quite primly
>     Said, "Heavens above!
>     I know sex isn't love,
> But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
>
>
> A widow who fancied a man some
> Was diddled three times in a hansome.
>     When she clamored for more
>     Her young man became sore
> And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
>
>
> A worried young man from Stamboul
> Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
>     Said the doctor, a cynic,
>     "Get out of my clinic;
> Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
>
>
> An architect fellow named Yoric
> Could, when feeling euphoric,
>     Display for selection
>     Three kinds of erection --
> Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
>
>
> He hated to mend, so young Ned
> Called in a cute neighbor instead.
>     Her husband said, "Vi,
>     When you stitched up his torn fly,
> Did you have to bite off the thread?"
>
>
> In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
> Massaging the bust of his madam,
>     He chuckled with mirth,
>     For he knew that on earth,
> There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
>
>
> Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
> "My favorite sport is coitus."
>     But a fullback from State
>     Made her period late,
> And now she has athlete's fetus
>
>
> Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
> Whose virtue was largely a myth,
>     "Try as hard as I can,
>     I can't find a man
> That it's fun to be virtuous with."
>
>
> My back aches, my pussy is sore;
> I simply can't fuck any more;
>     I'm covered with sweat,
>     And you haven't come yet,
> And my God, it's a quarter to four!
>
>
> There once was a couple named Kelley,
> Who lived their life belly to belly.
>     Because in their haste
>     They used Library Paste,
> Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
>
>
> There once was a freshman named Lin,
> Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
>     A virgin named Joan
>     From a bible belt home,
> Said "This won't be much of a sin."
>
>
> There once was a hacker named Ken
> Who inherited truckloads of Yen
>     So he built him some chicks
>     Of silicon chips
> And hasn't been heard from since then.
>
>
> There once was a lady from Exeter,
> So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
>     One was even so brave
>     As to take out and wave
> The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
>
>
> There once was a plumber from Leigh,
> Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
>     Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
>     I think someone's coming!"
> Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
>
>
> There once was a queen of Bulgaria
> Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
>     Till a prince from Peru
>     Who came up for a screw
> Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
>
>
> There once was a Scot named McAmeter
> With a tool of prodigious diameter.
>     It was not the size
>     That cause such surprise;
> 'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
>
>
> There once was a young man named Gene
> Who invented a screwing machine
>     Concave and convex
>     It served either sex
> And it played with itself in between.
>
>
> There was a bluestocking in Florence
> Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
>     Till a Spanish grandee,
>     Got her off with his knee,
> And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
>
>
> There was a gay countess of Bray,
> And you may think it odd when I say,
>     That in spite of high station,
>     Rank and education,
> She always spelled cunt with a "k".
>
>
> There was a young fellow named Bliss
> Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
>     For even with Venus
>     His recalcitrant penis
> Would never do better than t
>                h
>                i
>                s
>                .
>
>
> There was a young girl from Hong Kong
> Whose cervical cap was a gong.
>     She said with a yell,
>     As a shot rang her bell,
> "I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
>
>
> There was a young girl named Sapphire
> Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
>     She said, "It's a sin,
>     But now that it's in,
> Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
>
>
> There was a young girl of Angina
> Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
>     From the love-making frock
>     (With the proper sized cock)
> Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
>
>
> There was a young girl of Darjeeling
> Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
>     There was never a sound
>     For miles around
> Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
>
>
> There was a young lad name of Durcan
> Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
>     His father said, "Durcan!
>     Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
> Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
>
>
> There was a young lady from Maine
> Who claimed she had men on her brain.
>     But you knew from the view,
>     As her abdomen grew,
> It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
>
>
> There was a young lady named Clair
> Who possessed a magnificent pair;
>     At least so I thought
>     Till I saw one get caught
> On a thorn, and begin losing air.
>
>
> There was a young lady named Hall,
> Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
>     The dress caught on fire
>     And burned her entire
> Front page, sporting section, and all.
>
>
> There was a young lady named Twiss
> Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
>     For it tickled her bum
>     And caused her to come
> .siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
>
>
> There was a young lady of Norway
> Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
>     She said to her beau
>     "Just look at me Joe
> I think I've discovered one more way."
>
>
> There was a young man from Bel-Aire
> Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
>     But the banister broke
>     So he doubled his stroke
> And finished her off in mid-air.
>
>
> There was a young man named Crockett
> Whose balls got caught in a socket.
>     His wife was a bitch,
>     And she threw the switch,
> As Crockett went off like a rocket.
>
>
> There was a young man of Cape Horn
> Who wished he had never been born,
>     And he wouldn't have been
>     If his father had seen
> That the end of the rubber was torn.
>
>
> There was a young man of St. John's
> Who wanted to bugger the swans.
>     But the loyal hall porter
>     Said, "Pray take my daughter!
> Those birds are reserved for the dons."
>
>
> There was a young whore from kaloo
> Who filled her vagina with glue.
>     She said with a grin,
>     "If they pay to get in,
> They can pay to get out again too!"
>
>
> There was an old man of the port
> Whose prick was remarkably short.
>     When he got into bed,
>     The old woman said,
> "This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
>
>
> There was an old pirate named Bates
> Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
>     He fell on his cutlass
>     Which rendered him nutless
> And practically useless on dates.
>
>
Well, I had some more but I forgot them. Sorry.