NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #27/NN_1992_27.iso/spool/rec/humor/34367

Internet Message Format | 1992-11-19 | 5.8 KB

Xref: sparky rec.humor:34367 alt.folklore.computers:16458 alt.cascade:3300
Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.folklore.computers,alt.cascade
Path: sparky!uunet!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!uwm.edu!wupost!gumby!destroyer!wsu-cs!uts.cc.wayne.edu!cms.cc.wayne.edu!EIVERSO
From: glorp@planet.x
Subject: help friendly alien Re: Help with XMS mailer on my Game-Boy?
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Sender: [e-mail] (News)
Organization: Wayne State University, C&IT
References: <[e-mail]> <[e-mail]> <[e-mail]> <[e-mail]>
Date: Thu, 19 Nov 1992 22:00:04 GMT
Lines: 79

>%_}>>>: >>>>>>>>>Feh. I'm so slick NASA just awarded ME the TERADATA contract to run on
>%_}>>>: >>>>>>>>>my TV remote! They liked my proposal mainly because I'm ALSO able to
>%_}>>>: >>>>>>>>>shoehorn in the TEXAS SUPERCOLLIDER computations between commercials!
>%_}>>>: >>>>>>>>>Beat THAT!
>%_}>>>: >>>>>>>>Well, well, well. SSC calculations, huh. I built a system out of 2
>%_}>>>: >>>>>>>>inches of wire, 3 pennies and a AA battery that does realtime
>%_}>>>: >>>>>>>>calculations of particle vectors during the Big Bang. A complete
>%_}>>>: >>>>>>>>simulation of the first 2 years of the life of the universe, accurate
>%_}>>>: >>>>>>>>to the theoretical limit, takes about 5 seconds.
>%_}>>>: >>>>>>>And you guys think you are so great.  I just spent the last half hour
>%_}>>>: >>>>>>>getting X11 to run on my slide rule.  I am still having problems
>%_}>>>: >>>>>>>connecting it to the net around here, but I would welcome any
>%_}>>>: >>>>>>>suggestions.
>%_}>>>: >>>>>>So what!!! I'm running Xinitrc, TWMRC, Internet, and 27 muds off of a
>%_}>>>: >>>>>>paperclip.  Not to mention the fact that I am designing a new form of
>%_}>>>: >>>>>>television with 7000 pixels based off a piece of tissue paper.  Next!!!
>%_}>>>: >>>>>Man, that's baby stuff.  I'm running a particle accelerator utilizing
>%_}>>>: >>>>>matter-antimatter reactions in my doorknob, and calculating everything in
>%_}>>>: >>>>>the fourth dimension using a single dip switch and a large glass of water.
>%_}>>>: >>>>Child's play, I have an old piece of cheese that is, at this very moment,
>%_}>>>: >>>>raytracing an actual model of the universe five hours from now, while
>%_}>>>: >>>>at the same time calculating the heat produced from the new intel
>%_}>>>: >>>>Pentium.
>%_}>>>: >>>And you people think that you are hackers! I'm currently engaged in a
>%_}>>>: >project
>%_}>>>: >>>which involves simultaneous simulation of multiple universes (To see what
>%_}>>>: >>>would happen if various constants change. Pi=8.4 is an interesting one.) My
>%_}>>>: >>>hardware consists of a single wooden pencil (no paper). With it, I can do
>%_}>>>: >>>real-time simulations of 2^32 universes in parallel.
>%_}>>>: >>You guys are wimps!!  I've just finished converting a microwave oven into a
>%_}>>>: >>paradimensional teleportation device.  The only problem I'm having so far is
>%_}>>>: >>that my breakfast bagel keeps disappearing!!  May have to eat it raw . . .
>%_}>>>: >
>%_}>>>: >Sorry, that's my fault.  I'm afraid that the high-energy laser-pumped
>%_}>>>: >negentropic vortex generator I made from my own nostril hair, which is
>%_}>>>: >currently cranking out entire new universes at the rate of 7.6 per picosecond,
>%_}>>>: >was breaking the FCC emissions limits and gronking your microwave's control
>%_}>>>: >panel.  It should work properly now.  Also, my cat Arthur was FTPing hundreds
>%_}>>>: >of terabytes of PD software from Epsilon Eridani in the year 4741 A.D. over
>%_}>>>: >the faster-than-light Ethernet interface I built for him, and this may have
>%_}>>>: >been loading the Net a little yesterday.  My sincere apologies to everyone who
>%_}>>>: >noticed any performance degradation.
>%_}>>>:
>%_}>>>: Damn, I thought I was doin' smoe really advanced R&D. But I only have a
>%_}>>>: humble feather pen with build in spell checking. It checks all languages
>%_}>>>: since Adam & Eve plus a few forthcoming languages. But after what I've seen
>%_}>>>: here, thats not good enough for a Nobel Price..I have to work harder...
>%_}>>>: Maybe some of the languages from outer space will help ?? I just have to
>%_}>>>: use my FingerNail Time&Universe Transporter(tm) to get there and learn them.
>%_}>>>
>%_}>>>You're all a bunch of lazy pseudo-programmers. When you have, as I, set
>%_}>>>up an entire University Unix net (with Mail, IRC, more than 2 MUDs, ano-
>%_}>>>nymous ftp, etc etc etc etc etc ) on a Turing Machine, we'll talk.
>%_}
>%_}>>Hahaha! Fools! You think that's impressive? I've wired together every
>%_}>>computer on the Internet with Quantum-Thin Wire (tm), and programmed it
>%_}>>to act like a really big abacus. Running 8 x 10^100^10^10^10^4
>%_}>>calculations a millisecond, I hope to solve the equation 5x = 10
>%_}>>by sometime next week. Now _that's_ progress.
>%_}>Then how about this: I've constructed the first computer ever made of one
>%_}>single Hydrogen atom. There are a couple of advantages with it; 1. it can
>%_}>be inhaled for transport; 2. it relies entirely on voice-detecting for input,
>%_}>and a hologram for output (that was the tricky part), and 3. it creates
>%_}>two copies of itself every second, allowing for multiple processes! I'm
>%_}>speaking this reply right now to a cloud in front of me, using a Voice
>%_}>Detection version (mine, really) of X-Windows in 3D. NEXT!
>%_}All accomplishments pale beside mine: Managed to re-write DOS 5.0 so that
>%_}it breaks the the 640K barrier.

greetings earthlings,

i am glorp of planet x. my starship has crashed landed on earth.
since there are so many smart earthings here, perhaps one of you
can fix a fleeblebrox generator (model z9999-q) that is on the fritz.
any help will be appreciated.

adTHANKSvance

glorp of planet x