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- From: arr9734@cuphub.cup.edu
- Newsgroups: rec.humor
- Subject: Monty Python Holy Grail - Script
- Message-ID: <1992Nov16.091238.113@cuphub.cup.edu>
- Date: 16 Nov 92 14:12:37 GMT
- Organization: California University of Pennsylvania, California, PA
- Lines: 2622
-
-
- Please Read This Bit Before Reading The Screenplay:
-
- This is the official 'Unoffical' Monty Python And The Holy Grail screenplay.
- This file contains the script as it was on March 20 1974, before filming took
- place. There are many minor differences from what appears here and what
- ended up on the screen. <I.E. A paraphrased word or two or another
- character used a line... But generally in minor lines like 'LOOK!'>
- This file also contains cut scenes and lines from the film.
-
- I tried to preserve as much of the screenplay as possible but it isn't
- easy to cross out a section and pencil in new dialogue, in ASCII.
- Any Scene or dialogue that was crossed out begins with a "|" before it.
- Anything Penciled in has a "+", I also put cut information before penciled in.
-
- What is interesting about a screenplay is to see what they threw out and
- what "Catch Phrases" were literally penciled in. The reason I keyed in
- this file was caused by me downloading current transcript going
- around internet. It was an amazing job... I wouldn't want to have attempted
- what he did... But it wasn't in a good script format and I didn't like how
- direction was written in. Since I HAD the real screenplay I thought...
- What the hell!
-
- After This I plan to key in "Monty Python's Second Film" it is the 1st draft
- of the Holy Grail. It is the script that eventually got canabalized into
- sketches for the 4th season of Python. It Is sill quite different and well
- worth a read. is anybody interested in it?????
-
- Oh yes... I will STRESS this fact once more... THIS IS A SCREENPLAY... So
- don't yell at me if a line is paraphrased in the film... This is what was
- written before filming took place and it is still quite accurate.
-
- Enough of this...
-
- -Grue (09-Aug-92)
-
- P.S. TO AHH: DON'T YOU KNOW WHO CONNIE BOOTH OR CAROL CLEVELAND IS?!?!?!
- AND DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT GRAHAM CHAPMAN SOUNDS LIKE?!?!?! Sorry I just had to
- say that... As the complete and total bastard that I am.
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
- MONTY PYTHON
- AND THE HOLY GRAIL
-
- Screenplay by
-
- JOHN CLEESE
- GRAHAM CHAPMAN
- TERRY GILLIAM
- ERIC IDLE
- TERRY JONES
- MICHAEL PALIN
-
-
-
-
- FINAL DRAFT 20.3.74.
-
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL" Reel 1 (1A) Page 1
- 00.01 is the first action frame
- which is 391.00 before the first
- Clear Cut, which is Scene 4
-
- Sc Spot
- No. Complete DIALOGUE No. Start End Ftge.
- ------------------------- --------------------------
- 1 FADE IN:
- Starts
- 00.01 TITLES ON BLACK B.G.
-
- PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD
- in association with
- MICHAEL WHITE
- presents
-
- FADE OUT:
- FADE IN: MUSIC STARTS
-
- MONTY PYTHON
- and
- THE HOLY GRAIL
- then:
- M0nti Pyth0n ik den H0lie Gralen
-
- FADE OUT:
- FADE IN:
-
- Written and preformed by:
- GRAHAM CHAPMAN
- JOHN CLEESE
- ERIC IDLE
- TERRY GILLIAM
- TERRY JONES
- MICHAEL PALIN
- then:
- R0tern nik Akten Di
- FADE OUT:
- FADE IN:
- with
- CONNIE BOOTH
- CAROL CLEVELAND
- NEIL INNES
- BEE DUFFELL
- JOHN YOUNG
- RITA DAVES
- then:
- Wik
- TITLE OUT:
- TITLE IN:
- Also appearing
- AVRIL STEWART
- SALLY KINGHORN
- then:
- Als0 wik
- FADE OUT:
- FADE IN:
- Also also appearing
- MARK ZYCOON ELSPETH CAMERON
- MITSUKO FORSTATER SALLY JOHNSON
- SANDY ROSE ROMILLY SQUIE
- JONI FLNN ALISON WALKER
- LORAINE WARD ANNA LANSKI
- SALLY COOMBE VIVIENNE MACDONALD
- YVONNE DICK DAPHNE DARLING
- FIONA GORDON GLORIA GRAHAM
- JUDY LAMS TRACY SNEDDON
- SYLVIA TAYLOR JOYCE POLLNER
- MARY ALLEN
- then:
- Als0 als0 wik
- TITLE OUT:
- TITLE IN:
- Camera Operator HOWARD ATHERTON
- Camera Focus JOHN WELLARD
- Camera Assistant ROGER PRATT
- Camera Grip RAY HALL
- Chargehand Electrician TERRY HUNT
- Lighting TELEFILM LIGHTING SERVICE LTD
- ANDREW RICHIE AND SON LTD
- TECHNICOLOR
- Rosturm Cameraman KENT HOUSTON
- then:
- Wi n0t trei a h0liday in Sweden thi yer?
- TITLE OUT:
- TITLE IN:
- Sound Recordist GARTH MARSHALL
- Sound Mixer HUGH STRAIN
- Boom Swinger GODFREY KIRBY
- Sound Maintenance PHILIP CHUBB
- Sound Assistant ROBERT DOYLE
- Dubbing Editor JOHN FOSTER
- Assistant Editors JOHN MISTER, NICK GASTER,
- ALEXANDER CAMPBELL ASKEW,
- BRIAN PEACHEY, DANIELLE KOCHAVI
- Sound Effects IAN CRAFFORD
- then:
- See the l0veli lakes
- TITLE OUT:
- TITLE IN:
- Continuity PENNY EYLES
- Accountant BRIAN BROCKWELL
- Production Secretary CHRISTINE WATT
- Property Buyer BRIAN WINTERBORN
- Property Master TOM RAEBURN
- Property Men ROY CANNON, CHARLIE TORBETT,
- MIKE KENNEDY
- Catering RON HELLARD LTD
- Vehicles BUDGET RENT-A-CAR
- then:
- The W0nderful teleph0ne system
- TITLE OUT:
- TITLE IN:
- Assistant Art Director PHILIP COWLAM
- Construction Manager BILL HARMAN
- Carpenters NOBBY CLARK, BOB DEVINE
- Painter GRAHAM BULLOCK
- Stagehand JIM N. SAVERY
- Rigger ED SULLIVAN
- then:
- And mani interesting furry animals
- TITLE IN:
- TITLE OUT:
- With special extra thanks to
- Charlie Knode, Brian McNully, John Gledhill, Peter
- Thompson, Sue Cable, Valerie Charlton, Drew Mara,
- Sue Smith, Charlie Coulter, Iain Monaghan, Steve
- Bennell, Bernard Belenger, Alpini McAlpine, Hugh
- Boyle, Dave Taylor, Garry Cooper, Peter Saunders, Less
- Sheppard, Vaughn Millard, Mamish MacInnes, Terry Mosaic,
- Bawn O'Beirne Ranelagh.
-
- Made entirely on location in Scotland at Doune Castle,
- Castle Stalker, Killin, Glen Coe, Arnhall Castle,
- Braklim falls, Sherroffmiur.
-
- By Python (Monty) Pictures Ltd., 20, Fitzroy Square,
- London W1 England.
- And completed at Twickenham Film Studios, England.
-
- Copyright (c) 1974 National Film Trustee Company Lt.
- All Rights Reserved.
- then:
- The producers would like to thank the Forestry Commission
- Doune Admissions Ltd, Keir and Cawdor Estates, Stirling
- University, and the people of Doune for their help in the
- making of this film.
-
- The Characters and incidents portrayed and the names used
- are fictitious and any similarity to the names, characters,
- or history of any person is entirely accidental and
- unintentional.
-
- Signed RICHARD M. NIXON
-
- Including the majestic m00se
- TITLE IN:
- TITLE OUT:
- Songs
- NEIL INNIS
-
- Additional music
- DEWOLFE
- then:
- A M00se once bit my sister ...
- TITLE IN:
- TITLE OUT:
- Costume Designer
- HAZEL PETHING
- then:
- No realli! She was Karving her initals on the m00se
- with the sharpened end of an interspace t00thbrush given
- by Svenge - her brother-in-law - an Oslo dentist and
- star of many Norwegian m0vies: "The H0t Hands of an Oslo
- Dentist", "Fillings of Passion", "The Huge M0lars of Horst
- Nordfink".
- TITLE OUT:
- TITLE IN:
- We apologise for the fault in the
- subtitles. Those responsible have been
- sacked.
- then:
- Mynd you, m00se bites Kan be pretty nasti ...
- TITLE OUT:
- TITLE IN:
- We apologise again for the fault in the subtitles. Those
- responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked
- have been sacked.
- FADE OUT:
- FADE IN:
- Production Manager JULLIAN DOYLE
- Assistant Director GERRY HARRISON
- Special Effects JOHN HORTON
- Choreography
- Fight Director &
- Period Consultant JOHN WALKER
- Make-up Artists PEARL RASHBASS, PAM LUKE
- Photography JULLIAN DOYLE
- Animation Assistance LUCINDA COWELL, KATE HEPBURN
- M00se Trained by TUTTE HERMSGERV0RDENBR0TB0RDA
- DISSOLVE TO:
- Lighting Cameraman TERRY BEDFORD
- Special M00se Effects OLAF PROT
- M00se Costumes SIGGI CHURCHILL
- DISSOLVE TO:
- Designer ROY SMITH
- M00se Choreographed by HORST PROT III
- Miss Taylor's M00ses by HENGST DOUGLAS-HOME
- M00se trained to mix
- concrete and sign com-
- plicated insurance
- forms by JURGEN WIGG
- DISSOLVE TO:
- Editor JOHN HACKNEY
- M00ses' noses wiped by BJORN IRKESTORM-SLATER WALKER
-
- Large m00se on the left
- half side of the screen
- in the third scene from
- the end,given a thorough
- grounding in Latin,
- French and "O" Level
- Geography by BO BENN
-
- Suggestive poses for the
- M00se suggested by VIC ROTTER
- Antler-care by LIV THATCHER
- TITLE OUT:
- TITLE IN:
- The directors of the firm hired to
- continue the credits after the other
- people had been sacked, with it to
- be known that they have just been
- sacked.
-
- The credits have been completed
- in an entirely different style at
- great expense and at the last
- minute.
- FADE OUT:
- TITLE ON YELLOW B.G
- Executive Producer
- JOHN GOLDSTONE & "RALPH" The Wonder Llama
- TITLE OUT:
- TITLE IN:
- Producer
- MARK FORSTARTER
-
- Assisted by
- EARL J. LLAMA
- MIKE Q. LLAMA III
- SY LLAMA
- MERLE Z. LLAMA IX
- TITLE OUT:
- TITLE IN:
- Directed by
- 40 SPECIALLY TRAINED
- ECUADORIAN MOUNTAIN LLAMAS
- 6 VENEZUELAN RED LLAMAS
- 142 MEXICAN WHOOPING LLAMAS
- 14 NORTH CHILEAN GUANACOS
- (CLOSELY RELATED TO THE LLAMA)
- REG LLAMA OF BRIXTON
- 76000 BATTERY LLAMAS
- FROM "LLAMA-FRESH" FARMS LTD. NEAR PARAGUAY
- and
- TERRY GILLIAM AND TERRY JONES
- FADE OUT:
-
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-
- 1 EXTERIOR - CASTLE WALLS - DAY
-
- Mist. Several seconds of it swirling about. silence
- possibly, atmospheric music. SUPERIMPOSE "England AD 787".
- after a few more seconds we hear hoofbeats in the distance.
- They come slowly closer. Then out of the mist comes KING ARTHUR
- followed by a SERVANT who is banging two half coconuts
- together. ARTHUR raises his hand.
-
- ARTHUR
- Whoa there!
-
- SERVANT makes noises of horses halting, with a flourish. ARTHUR
- peers through the mist. CUT TO shot from over his shoulder:
- castle (e.g. Bodium) rising out of the mist. On the castle
- battlements a SOLDIER is dimly seen. He peers down.
-
- SOLDIER
- Halt! Who goes there?
-
- ARTHUR
- It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle
- of Camelot. King of all Britons, defeator of the Saxons,
- sovereign of all England!
-
- Pause.
-
- SOLDIER
- Get away!
-
- ARTHUR
- I am... And this my trusty servant, Patsy. We have ridden the
- length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join
- our court at Camelot.. I must speak with your lord and master.
-
- SOLDIER
- What? Ridden on a horse?
-
- ARTHUR
- Yes!
-
- SOLDIER
- You're using coconuts!
-
- ARTHUR
- ...What?
-
- SOLDIER
- You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging
- them together.
-
- ARTHUR
- (Scornfully)
- So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this
- land, through the kingdom of Mercea.
-
- SOLDIER
- Where did you get the coconuts?
-
- ARTHUR
- Through ... We found them.
-
- SOLDIER
- Found them? In Mercea. The coconut's tropical!
-
- ARTHUR
- What do you mean?
-
- SOLDIER
- Well, this is a temperate zone.
-
- ARTHUR
- The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin
- or the plover seek warmer hot lands in winter, yet these are
- not strangers to our land.
-
- SOLDIER
- Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
-
- ARTHUR
- Not at all. They could be carried.
-
- SOLDIER
- What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
-
- | ARTHUR
- | Why not?
- |
- | SOLDIER
- | I'll tell you why not ... because a swallow is about eight
- | inches long and weighs five ounces, and you'd be lucky
- | to find a coconut under a pound.
- |
-
- ARTHUR
- It could grip it by the husk ...
-
- SOLDIER
- It's not a question of where he grips it, It's a simple
- matter of weight - ratios ... A five-ounce bird could not
- hold a a one pound coconut.
-
- ARTHUR
- Well, it doesn't matter. Go and tell your master that
- Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
-
- A Slight pause. Swirling mist. Silence.
-
- SOLDIER
- Look! To maintain Velocity, a swallow needs to beat
- its wings four hundred and ninety three times every
- second. right?
-
- ARTHUR
- (irritated)
- Please!
-
- SOLDIER
- Am I right?
-
- ARTHUR
- I'm not interested.
-
- SECOND SOLDIER
- (who has loomed up on the battlements)
- It could be carried by an African swallow!
-
- FIRST SOLDIER
- Oh yes! An African swallow maybe ... but not a European
- swallow. that's my point.
-
- SECOND SOLDIER
- Oh yes, I agree there ...
-
- ARTHUR
- (losing patience)
- Will you ask your master if he wants to join the Knights
- of Camelot?!
-
- FIRST SOLDIER
- But then of course African swallows are non-migratory.
-
- SECOND SOLDIER
- Oh yes.
-
- ARTHUR raises his eyes heavenwards and nods to PATSY. They turn
- and go off into the mist.
-
- FIRST SOLDIER
- So they wouldn't be able to bring a coconut back anyway.
-
- SECOND SOLDIER
-
- Wait a minute! Suppose two swallows carried it together?
-
- FIRST SOLDIER
- No, they'd have to have it on a line.
-
- Stillness. Silence again.
-
-
- 2 ANIMATION/LIVE ACTION SEQUENCE - DEATH AND DEVASTATION
-
- CUT TO Terry Gilliam's sequence of Brueghel prints. Sounds of
- strange medieval music. Discordant and sparse. Wailings and
- groanings. The last picture mixes through into live action.
- BIG CLOSE UP of contorted face upside down. A leg falls across
- it. Creaking noise. The bodies lurch away from CAMERA to
- reveal they are amongst a huge pile of bodies on a swaying cart
- that is lumbering away from CAMERA. It is pulled by a couple of
- ragged, dirty emaciated WRETCHES. Behind the cart walks another
- MAN who looks slightly more prosperous, but only on the scale
- of complete and utter impoverishment. He wears a black hood and
- looks sinister.
-
- CART DRIVER
- Bring out your dead!
-
- We follow the cart through a wretched, impoverished plague-ridden
- village. A few starved mongrels run about in the mud scavenging.
- In the open doorway of one house perhaps we jug glimpse a pair of
- legs dangling from the ceiling. In another doorway an OLD WOMAN
- is beating a cat against a wall rather like one does with a mat.
- The cart passes round a dead donkey or cow in the mud. And a MAN
- tied to a cart is being hammered to death by four NUNS with
- huge mallets.
-
- CART DRIVER
-
- Bring out your dead!
-
- There are legs stick out of windows and doors. Two MEN are fighting
- in the mud - covered from head to foot in it. Another MAN is on his
- hands in knees shovelling mud into his mouth. We just catch
- sight of a MAN falling into a well.
-
- CART DRIVER
- Bring out your dead!
-
- LARGE MAN
- Here's one!
-
- CART DRIVER
- Ninepence.
-
- BODY
- I'm not dead!
-
- CART DRIVER
- What?
-
- LARGE MAN
- Nothing... There's your ninepence.
-
- BODY
- I'm not dead!
-
- CART DRIVER
- 'Ere. He says he's not dead.
-
- LARGE MAN
- Yes he is.
-
- BODY
- I'm not!
-
- CART DRIVER
- He isn't.
-
- LARGE MAN
- He will be soon. He's very ill.
-
- BODY
- I'm getting better!
-
- LARGE MAN
- You're not. You'll be stone dead in a few minutes.
-
- CART DRIVER
- I can't take him like this. It's against regulations.
-
- BODY
- I don't want to go on the cart.
-
- LARGE MAN
- Don't be such a baby.
-
- CART DRIVER
- I can't take him.
-
- BODY
- I feel fine.
-
- LARGE MAN
- Do me a favour.
-
- CART DRIVER
- I can't.
-
- LARGE MAN
- Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes. He won't
- be long.
-
- CART DRIVER
- I promised I'd be at the Robinson's. They've lost nine
- today.
-
- LARGE MAN
- When's your next round?
-
- CART DRIVER
- Thursday.
-
- BODY
- I think I'll go for a walk.
-
- LARGE MAN
- You're not fooling anyone you know.
- (to CART DRIVER)
- Isn't there anything you could do?
-
- BODY
- (singing unrecognisably)
- I feel happy... I feel happy.
-
- The CART DRIVER looks at the LARGE MAN for a moment. Then they both
- do a quick furtive look up and down the street. The CART DRIVER
- very swiftly brings up a club and hits the OLD MAN. (Out of shot
- but the singing stops after a loud bonk noise.)
-
- LARGE MAN
- (handing over the money at last)
- Thanks very much.
-
- CART DRIVER
- That's all right. See you on Thursday.
-
- They turn ... Suddenly all the village fall to their knees, touching
- forelocks etc. ARTHUR and PATSY ride into SHOT, slightly nose to
- the air, they ride through without acknowledging anybody. After
- they pass, the LARGE MAN turns to the CART DRIVER.
-
- LARGE MAN
- Who's that then?
-
- CART DRIVER
- (Grudgingly)
- I dunno, Must be a king.
-
- LARGE MAN
- Why?
-
- CART DRIVER
- He hasn't got shit all over him.
-
-
- 3 EXTERIOR - DAY
-
- ARTHUR and PATSY riding. They stop and look. We see a castle in the
- distance, and before it a PEASANT is working away on his knees trying
- to dig up the earth with his bare hands and a twig. ARTHUR and
- PATSY ride up, and stop before the PEASANT
-
- ARTHUR
- Old woman!
-
- DENNIS
- Man!
-
- ARTHUR
- Man. I'm sorry. Old man, What knight live in that castle
- over there?
-
- DENNIS
- I'm thirty-seven.
-
- ARTHUR
- What?
-
- DENNIS:
- I'm thirty-seven ... I'm not old.
-
- ARTHUR:
- Well - I can't just say: "Hey, Man!'
-
- DENNIS
- Well you could say: "Dennis"
-
- ARTHUR
- I didn't know you were called Dennis.
-
- DENNIS
- You didn't bother to find out, did you?
-
- ARTHUR
- I've said I'm sorry about the old woman, but from the behind
- you looked ...
-
- DENNIS
- What I object to is that you automatically treat me like
- an inferior ...
-
- ARTHUR
- Well ... I AM king.
-
- DENNIS
- Oh, very nice. King, eh! I expect you've got a palace and fine
- clothes and courtiers and plenty of food. And how d'you get that?
- By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist
- dogma which perpetuates the social and economic differences in our
- society! If there's EVER going to be any progress ...
-
- An OLD WOMAN appears.
-
- OLD WOMAN
- Dennis! There's some lovely filth down here ... Oh!
- how d'you do?
-
- ARTHUR
- How d'you do, good lady ... I am Arthur, King of the Britons ...
- can you tell me who lives in that castle?
-
- OLD WOMAN
- King of the WHO?
-
- ARTHUR
- The Britons.
-
- OLD WOMAN
- Who are the Britons?
-
- ARTHUR
- All of us are ... we are all Britons.
-
- DENNIS winks at the OLD WOMAN.
-
- ... and I am your king ....
-
- OLD WOMAN
- Ooooh! I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were
- an autonomous collective ...
-
- DENNIS
- You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship,
- A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes ...
-
- OLD WOMAN
- There you are, bringing class into it again ...
-
- DENNIS
- That's what it's all about ... If only -
-
- ARTHUR
- Please, please good people. I am in haste. What knight lives in
- that castle?
-
- OLD WOMAN
- No one live there.
-
- ARTHUR
- Well, who is your lord?
-
- OLD WOMAN
- We don't have a lord.
-
- ARTHUR
- What?
-
- DENNIS
- I told you, We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune, we take
- it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
-
- ARTHUR
- Yes.
-
- DENNIS
- ... But all the decision of that officer ...
-
- ARTHUR
- Yes, I see.
-
- DENNIS
- ... must be approved at a bi-weekly meeting by a simple majority
- in the case of purely internal affairs.
-
- ARTHUR
- Be quiet!
-
- DENNIS
- ... but a two-thirds majority ...
-
- ARTHUR
- Be quiet! I order you to shut up.
-
- OLD WOMAN
- Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
-
- ARTHUR
- I am your king!
-
- OLD WOMAN
- Well, I didn't vote for you.
-
- ARTHUR
- You don't vote for kings.
-
- OLD WOMAN
- Well, how did you become king, then?
-
- ARTHUR
- The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite,
- held Excalibur aloft from the bosom of the water to signify by
- Divine Providence ... that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur ...
- That is why I am your king!
- |
- | OLD WOMAN
- | Is Frank in? He'd be able to deal with this one.
- |
- DENNIS
- Look, strange women lying on their backs in ponds handing out
- swords ... that's no basis for a system of government. Supreme
- executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from
- some farcical aquatic ceremony.
-
- ARTHUR
- Be quiet!
-
- DENNIS
- You can't expect to wield supreme executive power
- just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
-
- ARTHUR
- Shut up!
-
- DENNIS
- I mean, if I went around saying I was an Emperor because some
- moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, people would
- put me away!
-
- ARTHUR
- (Grabbing him by the collar)
- Shut up, will you. Shut up!
-
- DENNIS
- Ah! NOW ... we see the violence inherent in the system.
-
- ARTHUR
- Shut up!
-
- PEOPLE (i.e. other PEASANTS) are appearing and watching.
-
- DENNIS
- (calling)
- Come and see the violence inherent in the system.
- Help, help, I'm being repressed!
-
- ARTHUR
- (aware that people are now coming out and watching)
- Bloody peasant!
- (pushes DENNIS over into mud and prepares to ride off)
-
- DENNIS
- Oh, Did you hear that! What a give-away.
-
- ARTHUR
- Come on, patsy.
-
- They ride off.
-
- DENNIS
- (in the background as we PULL OUT)
- did you see him repressing me, then? That's what I've
- been on about ...
-
-
- 4 EXTERIOR - FOREST - DAY
-
- MIX THROUGH to ARTHUR and PATSY riding through the forest. They pass rune
- stones. We TRACK with them. CLOSE-UPS of their faces as they ride.
- MIX to another TRACKING SHOT of them riding through the forest. They
- come to a clearing and stop, looking ahead intently. Their eyes light up.
-
- Sound FX of fight.
-
- CUT TO their eyeline. A clearing on the other side of which is a rough
- wooden foot-bridge across a stream. At the start of the bridge a
- tremendous fight is going on. A huge BLACK KNIGHT in black armour, his
- face totally masked in a visor, is fighting a slightly smaller KNIGHT in
- green armour. (Perhaps the GREEN KNIGHT's armour is identical to the
- BLACK KNIGHT's save for the colour.)
-
- CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY. They watch, growing more impressed
- as they watch the fight.
-
- CUT BACK TO the fight. The GREEN KNIGHT lunges at the BLACK KNIGHT, who
- avoids the blow with a skillful side-step and parry, knocking the sword
- out of the GREEN KNIGHT's hand.
-
- CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY even more impressed.
-
- CUT BACK TO the fight. The GREEN KNIGHT has drawn out a particularly nasty
- mace or spiked ball and chain, much longer than the BLACK KNIGHT's sword.
-
- ARTHUR narrows his eyes, wondering whether the BLACK KNIGHT will survive.
-
- CUT BACK to the fight. The GREEN KNIGHT swings at the BLACK KNIGHT, who
- ducks under the first swing, leaps over the second and starts to close
- on the GREEN KNIGHT.
-
- CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY watching like a tennis match. Sound FX of the
- fight reaching a climax. Four almighty clangs. Then Silence.
-
- CUT BACK to see the GREEN KNIGHT stretched out. The BLACK KNIGHT
- sheathes his sword.
-
- ARTHUR looks at PATSY. Nods and they move forward.
-
- CUT BACK TO the BLACK KNIGHT picking up the GREEN KNIGHT above his head
- and hurling him into the river. ARTHUR and PATSY approach him.
-
- ARTHUR
- You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.
-
- | BLACK KNIGHT
- | Who dares to challenge the Black Knight?
- |
- | ARTHUR
- | I do not challenge you.
-
- The BLACK KNIGHT stares impassively and says nothing.
-
- ARTHUR
- I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
-
- Hint of a pause as he waits for a reaction which dosn't come. ARTHUR is
- only slightly thrown.
-
- ... I seek the bravest and the finest knights in all
- the world to join me in my court at Camelot ...
-
- The BLACK KNIGHT remains silent
-
- ARTHUR
- You have proved yourself worthy. ... Will you join me?
-
- Silence.
-
- | ARTHUR
- | A man of your strength and skill would be the chief of all
- | my knights ...
- |
- | BLACK KNIGHT
- | Never.
- |
- ARTHUR
- You make me sad. But so be it. Come Patsy.
-
- As he moves, the BLACK KNIGHT bars the way.
-
- BLACK KNIGHT
- None shall pass.
-
- ARTHUR
- What?
-
- BLACK KNIGHT
- None shall pass.
-
- ARTHUR
- I have no quarrel with you, brave Sir knight, but I must
- cross this bridge.
-
- BLACK KNIGHT
- Then you shall die.
-
- ARTHUR
- I command you, as King of the Britons to stand aside.
-
- BLACK KNIGHT
- I move for no man.
-
- ARTHUR
- So be it!
-
- ARTHUR draws his sword and approaches the BLACK KNIGHT. A furious fight
- now starts lasting about fifteen seconds at which point ARTHUR delivers
- a mighty blow which completely severs the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm at
- the shoulder. ARTHUR steps back triumphantly.
-
- ARTHUR
- Now stand aside worthy adversary.
-
- BLACK KNIGHT
- (Glancing at his shoulder)
- 'Tis but a scratch.
-
- ARTHUR
- A scratch? Your arm's off.
-
- BLACK KNIGHT
- No, it isn't.
-
- ARTHUR
- (Pointing to the arm on ground)
- Well, what's that then?
-
- BLACK KNIGHT
- I've had worse.
-
- ARTHUR
- You're a liar.
-
- BLACK KNIGHT
- Come on you pansy!
-
- Another ten seconds furious fighting till ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHTS's
- other arm off, also at the shoulder. The arm plus sword, lies on the ground.
- ARTHUR
- Victory is mine.
- (sinking to his knees)
- I thank thee O Lord that in thy ...
-
- BLACK KNIGHT
- Come on then.
-
- ARTHUR
- What?
-
- He kicks ARTHUR hard on the side of the helmet. ARTHUR gets up still
- holding his sword. The BLACK KNIGHT comes after him kicking.
-
- ARTHUR
- You are indeed brave Sir knight, but the fight is mine.
-
- BLACK KNIGHT
- Had enough?
-
- ARTHUR
- You stupid bastard. You havn't got any arms left.
-
- BLACK KNIGHT
- Course I have.
-
- ARTHUR
- Look!
-
- BLACK KNIGHT
- What! Just a flesh wound.
- (kicks ARTHUR)
-
- ARTHUR
- Stop that.
-
- BLACK KNIGHT
- (kicking him)
- Had enough ... ?
-
- ARTHUR
- I'll have your leg.
-
- He is kicked.
-
- Right!
-
- The BLACK KNIGHT kicks him again and ARTHUR chops his leg off.
- The BLACK KNIGHT keeps his balance with difficulty.
-
- BLACK KNIGHT
- I'll do you for that.
-
- ARTHUR
- You'll what ... ?
-
- BLACK KNIGHT
- Come Here.
-
- ARTHUR
- What are you going to do. bleed on me?
-
- BLACK KNIGHT
- I'm invincible!
-
- ARTHUR
- You're a looney.
-
- BLACK KNIGHT
- The Black Knight always triumphs. Have at you!
-
- ARTHUR takes his last leg off. The BLACK KNIGHT's body lands upright.
-
- BLACK KNIGHT
- All right, we'll call it a draw.
-
- ARTHUR
- Come, Patsy.
-
- ARTHUR and PATSY start to cross the bridge.
-
- BLACK KNIGHT
- Running away eh? You yellow bastard, Come back here and take
- what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!
-
-
- 5 EXTERIOR - DAY
-
- A village. Sound of chanting of Latin canon, punctuated by short, sharp
- cracks. It comes nearer. We see it is a line of MONKS ala SEVENTH SEAL
- flagellation scene, chanting and banging themselves on the foreheads with
- wooden boards. They pass a group of villagers who are dragging a beautiful
- YOUNG WOMAN dressed as a witch through the streets. They drag her to a
- strange house/ruin standing on a hill outside the village. A
- strange-looking knight stands outside, SIR BEDEVERE.
-
- FIRST VILLAGER
- We have found a witch. May we burn her?
-
- ALL
- A Witch! Burn her!
-
- BEDEVERE
- How do you know she is a witch?
-
- ALL
- She looks like one. Yes, she does.
-
- BEDEVERE
- Bring her forward.
-
- They bring her forward - a beautiful YOUNG GIRL (MISS ISLINGTON) dressed up
- as a witch.
-
- WITCH
- I am not a witch. I am not a witch.
-
- BEDEVERE
- But you are dressed as one.
-
- WITCH
- They dressed me up like this.
-
- ALL
- We didn't, we didn't!
-
- WITCH
- This is not my nose, It is a false one.
-
- BEDEVERE takes her nose off.
-
- BEDEVERE
- Well?
-
- FIRST VILLAGER
- ... Well, we did do the nose.
-
- BEDEVERE
- The nose?
-
- FIRST VILLAGER
- And the hat. But she is a witch.
-
- ALL
- A witch, a witch, burn her!
-
- BEDEVERE
- Did you dress her up like this?
-
- FIRST VILLAGER
- ... Um ... Yes ... no ... a bit ... yes... she has got a wart.
-
- BEDEVERE
- Why do you think she is a witch?
-
- SECOND VILLAGER
- She turned me into a newt.
-
- BEDEVERE
- A newt?
-
- SECOND VILLAGER
- (After looking at himself for some time)
- I got better.
-
- ALL
- Burn her anyway.
-
- BEDEVERE
- Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
-
- ARTHUR and PATSY ride up at this point and watch what follows with interest
-
- ALL
- There are? Tell up. What are they, wise Sir Bedevere?
-
- BEDEVERE
- Tell me ... what do you do with witches?
-
- ALL
- Burn them.
-
- BEDEVERE
- And what do you burn, apart from witches?
-
- FOURTH VILLAGER
- ... Wood?
-
- BEDEVERE
- So why do witches burn?
-
- SECOND VILLAGER
- (pianissimo)
- ... Because they're made of wood...?
-
- BEDEVERE
- Good.
-
- PEASANTS stir uneasily then come round to this conclusion.
-
- ALL
- I see. Yes, of course.
-
- BEDEVERE
- So how can we tell if she is made of wood?
-
- FIRST VILLAGER
- Make a bridge out of her.
-
- BEDEVERE
- Ah ... but can you not also make bridges out of stone?
-
- ALL
- Ah. Yes, of course ... um ... err ...
-
- BEDEVERE
- Does wood sink in water?
-
- ALL
- No, no, It floats. Throw her in the pond Tie weights on her. To
- the pond.
-
- BEDEVERE
- Wait. Wait ... tell me, what also floats on water?
-
- ALL
- Bread? No, no, no. Apples .... gravy ... very small rocks ...
-
- ARTHUR
- A duck.
-
- They all turn and look at ARTHUR. BEDEVERE looks up very impressed.
-
- BEDEVERE
- Exactly. So... logically ...
-
- FIRST VILLAGER
- (beginning to pick up the thread)
- If she ... weighs the same as a duck ... she's made of wood.
-
- BEDEVERE
- And therefore?
-
- ALL
- A witch! ... A duck! A duck! Fetch a duck.
-
- FOURTH VILLAGER
- Here is a duck, Sir Bedevere.
-
- BEDEVERE
- We shall use my largest scales.
-
- He leads them a few yards to a very strange contraption indeed, made of
- wood and rope and leather. They put the GIRL in one pan and the duck
- in another. Each pan is supported by a wooden stave. BEDEVERE checks
- each pan then ... ARTHUR looks on with interest.
-
- BEDEVERE
- Remove the supports.
-
- Two PEASANTS knock them away with sledge hammers. The GIRL and the duck
- swing slightly but balance perfectly.
-
- ALL
- A witch! A witch!
-
- WITCH
- It's a fair cop.
-
- All
- Burn her! Burn her! Let's make her into a ladder.
-
- The VILLAGERS drag the girl away, leaving ARTHUR and BEDEVERE regarding
- each other admiringly.
-
- BEDEVERE
- Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
-
- ARTHUR
- I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
-
- BEDEVERE
- My liege ... forgive me ...
-
- ARTHUR looks at PATSY with obvious satisfaction.
-
-
- ARTHUR
- Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot,
- and join our number at the Round Table?
-
- BEDEVERE
- My liege, I am honored.
-
- ARTHUR steps forward, drawing his sword, with a slight hint of difficulty
-
- ARTHUR
- What is your name?
-
- BEDEVERE
- Bedevere, my Liege.
-
- ARTHUR
- Then I dub you ... Sir Bedevere ... Knight of the Round Table!
-
-
- |6 VARIOUS MONTAGE - ANIMATION
- |
- | VOICE OVER
- | And so King Arthur gathered his knights together ... bringing from all
- | the corners of the kingdom the strongest and bravest in the land ...
- | To sit at The Round Table ...
- |
- | Under this voice over we have a montage of shots of ARTHUR recruiting
- | his Knights:
- |
- | 1. ARTHUR, PATSY, BEDEVERE and PAGE riding through hillside.
- | MIX TO:
- |
- | 2. A castle. LONG SHOT of SIR GAWAIN standing outside and ARTHUR's
- | group approaching and shaking hands perhaps.
- |
- | 3. MIX TO the group now plus SIR GAWAIN and PAGE (who is weighted
- | down by an enormous quantity of luggage) riding down by a stream
- | and approaching SIR HECTOR. ARTHUR dubs him.
- |
- | 4. MIX TO the group (now plus HECTOR and PAGE) approaching some group
- | of buildings or whatever. In the distance SIR ROBIN is being taught
- | the lute by one of his MUSICIANS. ARTHUR calls and SIR ROBIN
- | immediately reacts and hands the lute to his MUSICIAN and comes to
- | join ARTHUR & CO.
- |
- | 5. MIX TO SIR GALAHAD surrounded by chickens. He is wearing a carpenters
- | apron over his immaculate armour and is finishing off a hen-house.
- | We see the group approach and he throws off the apron and puts down
- | the hen-house and goes to join them.
- |
- | 6. MIX TO the group riding along again.
- |
- | 7. MIX TO SIR LAUNCELOT handing a BABY to his WIFE (who has several other
- | CHILDREN hanging about) and he strides off to join ARTHUR, leaving his
- | castle, WIFE and CHILDREN. The castle (Eilean Donan) has washing
- | hanging outside it. A real family castle. There are at least
- | six kids.
- |
- | 8. MIX TO the complete group, i.e. ARTHUR and PATSY, BEDEVERE and PAGE,
- | GAWAIN and PAGE, HECTOR and PAGE, GALAHAD and PAGE, SIR ROBIN and
- | six MUSICIANS, LAUNCELOT and PAGE.
- +
- +6 CLOSE-UP of a book on which is written:
- +
- + THE BOOK OF THE FILM
- +
- + VOICE OVER
- + The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur's knights ...
- + but other illustrious names were soon to follow ...
- +
- + Hand turns page.
- +
- + VOICE OVER
- + Sir Launcelot the Brave ...
- +
- + Hand turns page.
- +
- + VOICE OVER
- + Sir Galahad the Pure ...
- +
- + Hand turns page.
- +
- + VOICE OVER
- + And Sir Robin-the-not-quite-so-pure-as-Sir-Launcelot ...
- +
- + Hand turns page.
- +
- + VOICE OVER
- + ... Who had nearly fought the Dragon of Agnor ...
- +
- + Hand turns page.
- +
- + VOICE OVER
- + ... Who had nearly stood up to to the vicious Chicken of Bristol ...
- +
- + Hand turns Page.
- +
- + VOICE OVER
- + ... and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill ...
- + and the aptly named ...
- +
- + Hand turns page.
- + VOICE OVER
- + Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film.
- +
- + Hand turns page.
- +
- + VOICE OVER
- + Together they formed band whose names and deeds were to be retold
- + throughout the centuries ... The Knights of the Round Table ...
- +
- + A gorilla's hand snatches away the hand.
- +
- + Music swells and fades and we MIX THROUGH TO:
-
-
- 7 EXTERIOR - SUNSET
-
- Fairly close HEAD-ON SHOT of the KNIGHTS riding along. BEDEVERE and ARTHUR
- at the front of the group deep in conversation.
-
- BEDEVERE
- And that, my lord, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.
-
- ARTHUR
- This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how
- sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
-
- BEDEVERE
- OF course, my Liege ...
-
- LAUNCELOT
- (he points)
- Look, my liege!
-
- They all stop and look.
-
- ARTHUR
- (with thankful reverence)
- Camelot!
-
- CUT TO shot of amazing castle in the distance. Illuminated in the rays of
- the setting sun.
-
- Music.
-
- CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and the group. They are all staring with fascination.
-
- GALAHAD
- Camelot ...
-
- LAUNCELOT
- Camelot ...
-
- GAWAIN
- (at the back, to PAGE)
- It's only a model.
-
- ARTHUR
- (turning sharply)
- Sh!
- (to the rest)
- Knights! I bid you welcome to your new home! Let us ride ...
- to Camelot.
-
-
- 8 INTERIOR - NIGHT
-
- CUT TO interior of medieval hall. A large group of armoured KNIGHTS are
- engaged in a well choreographed song-and-dance routine of the very up-beat
- 'If they could see me now' type of fast bouncy number. The poorer verses
- are made clearer by CUTTING to a group of knights actually engaged in
- the described task while the line itself is sung. They sing:
-
- KNIGHTS
- We're knights of the round table
- We dance whene'er we're able
- We do routines and chorus scenes
- With footwork impeccable.
- We dine well here in Camelot
- We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.
-
- We're knights of the Round Table
- Our shows are formidable
- But many times
- We're given rhymes
- That are quite unsingable
- We're opera mad in Camelot
- We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
-
- Booming basses. A routine where two XYLOPHONISTS play parts of KNIGHTS'
- armour producing a pleasing effect.
-
- In war we're tough and able.
- Quite indefatigable
- Between our quests
- We sequin vests
- And impersonate Clark Gable
- It's a busy life in Camelot.
-
- SINGLE MAN
- I have to push the pram a lot.
-
- CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and BEDEVERE and COMPANY as we had left them.
-
- ARTHUR
- No, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot.
-
- KNIGHTS
- Right!
-
- ARTHUR
- It is a silly place.
-
- They set off again almost immediately they are suffused in ethereal radiance
- and strange heavenly choir music. The PAGES, horselike, take fright for a
- moment, they whinny and rattle their coconuts. ARTHUR and the KNIGHTS
- fall on their knees. A holy voice booms out.
-
- GOD
- Arthur! Arthur ... King of the Britons ...
-
- They all prostrate themselves even further
-
- Oh, don't grovel ... do get up! If there's one thing I can't stand,
- it's people grovelling!!
-
- ARTHUR and COMPANY rise.
-
- ARTHUR
- Sorry ...
-
- GOD
- And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's
- sorry this and forgive me that and I'm not worthy and ...
- What are you doing now?
-
- ARTHUR
- I'm averting my eyes, Lord.
-
- GOD
- Well, don't.
- | I really don't know where all this got started.
- It's like those miserable psalms. they're so depressing.
- Now knock it of
-
- ARTHUR
- Yes, Lord.
-
- GOD
- Right. Arthur, King of the Britons, you're Knights of the Round
- Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times ...
-
- ARTHUR
- Good idea, O Lord!
-
- GOD
- Course it's a good idea.
-
- Suddenly another light glows beside GOD or possibly within the light which
- is GOD a shape slowly starts to form.
-
- Behold ... Arthur ... this is the Holy Grail ...
- | the Sacred Cup from which Christ drank at the Last Supper ...
-
- The form in the bright light is just discernible as an iridescent chalice
- ... the KNIGHTS gasp.
-
- Look well, Arthur ... for it is your sacred task to seek
- this Grail.
-
- It begins to fade. Music crescendo as both lights fade.
-
- That is your purpose Arthur ... the Quest for the Holy Grail ...
-
- It is gone. All the KNIGHTS are left gasping in awe and wonderment. They
- all turn and look at ARTHUR.
-
- LAUNCELOT
- A Blessing. A blessing from the lord.
-
- | BEDEVERE
- | Praise be to God!
- |
- | An awed pause, then ARTHUR rallies them.
- |
- | ARTHUR
- | We have a task, we must waste no time! To Camelot!
- |
- + GALAHAD
- + God be praised!
-
- Stirring music crescendo. They ride off.
-
- CUT TO TITLES SEQUENCE Animation: "The Quest For The Holy Grail" After
- titles CUT TO:
-
-
- 9 EXTERIOR - CASTLE - DAY
-
- MIX THROUGH one or two shots of them on their way again, until they approach
- a terrific castle (a little one would do too). They advance quite close to
- the castle and draw themselves into a line. At a signal from ARTHUR the two
- PAGES step forward and give a brief fanfare.
-
- A MAN appears on the battlements. ARTHUR addresses him.
-
- ARTHUR
- Hello.
-
- MAN
- 'Allo. Whoo is eet?
-
- ARTHUR
- I am King Arthur and these are the Knights of the Round
- Table. Whose castle is this?
-
- MAN
- This is the castle of of my master, Guy de Loimbard.
-
- ARTHUR
- Please go and tell your master that we have been charged by God
- with a sacred quest, and if he will give us food and shelter for
- this night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
-
- MAN
- Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen.
- He's already got one, you see?
-
- ARTHUR
- What?
-
- GALAHAD
- He says they've already got one!
-
- They are stunned.
-
- ARTHUR
- Are you sure he's got one?
-
- MAN
- Oh yes. It's very nice
- +
- + CUT TO BATTLEMENTS. THE TAUNTER (MAN) turns to some others.
- +
- + MAN
- + I told him we already got one.
- +
- + They all giggle.
- +
-
- ARTHUR
- Well ... can we come up and have a look?
-
- MAN
- Of course not! You are English pigs.
-
- ARTHUR
- Well, what are you then?
-
- MAN
- I'm French. Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you
- silly king.
-
- GALAHAD
- What are you doing in England?
-
- MAN
- Mind your own business.
-
- ARTHUR
- If you will not show us the Grail we shall storm your castle.
-
- Murmurs of assent.
-
- MAN
- You don't frighten us, English pig-dog! Go and boil your
- bottoms, son of a silly person. I blow my nose on you, so-called
- Arthur-king, you and your silly English K...kaniggets.
-
- He puts hands to his ears and blows a raspberry.
-
- GALAHAD
- What a strange person.
-
- ARTHUR
- Now look here, my good man!
-
- MAN
- I don't want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal,
- food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. You mother
- was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
-
- GALAHAD
- Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
-
- MAN
- No. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
-
- ARTHUR
- Now this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonab...
- +
- + MAN
- + Fetchez la vache!
- +
- + GUARD
- + Quoi?
- +
- + MAN
- + Fetchez la vache!
- +
- CUT BACK TO battlements. A cow is led out of a stall.
-
- CUT BACK TO ARTHUR.
-
- ARTHUR
- Now that is my final offer. If you are not prepared to agree to my
- demands I shall be forced to take ... Oh Christ!
-
- A cow comes flying over the battlements, lowing aggressively. The cow
- lands on GALAHAD'S PAGE, squashing him completely.
- |
- | ROBIN
- | What a cruel thing to do.
- |
- | BEDEVERE
- | (Choking back tears)
- | It hadn't even been milked.
- |
- ARTHUR
- Right! Knights! Forward!
-
- ARTHUR leads a charge toward the castle. Various shots of them battling on,
- despite being hit by a variety of farm animals.
-
- ARTHUR
- (as the MAN next to him is squashed by a sheep)
- Knights! Run away!
-
- Midst echoing shouts of "run away" the KNIGHTS retreat to cover with the odd
- cow or goose hitting them still. The KNIGHTS crouch down under cover.
-
- LAUNCELOT
- The sods! I'll tear them apart.
-
- ARTHUR
- (restraining LAUNCELOT from going out and having a go)
- No!
-
- BEDEVERE
- I have a plan sir.
-
- CUT BACK TO battlements of castle. FRENCH SENTRIES suspiciously peering
- towards the English lines. Wind whistles.
-
- Shot of the empty scrubland or undergrowth or woodland around the castle.
- Emptiness. Wind. More shots of the FRENCH SENTRIES peering into the dusk.
- | As night falls. MIX THROUGH TO night On the battlements a brazier burns or
- | torches on the wall as the SENTRIES peer into the dark. Shots of the
- | woodland with fires burning where the English lines are.
-
- During all this the sounds of extensive carpentry have possibly been herd,
- followed by silence, followed by renewed outbursts or activity.
-
- CLOSE-UP FRENCH looking very nervous. Dawn breaking. Shot of woodland.
- Nothing. Wind. Dawn still breaking. Shots of the FRENCH. They suddenly
- hear something. A faintly detectable squeaking which is getting louder.
-
- CUT TO WIDE SHOT of castle and woodland. Squeaking getting louder. Shot of
- the FRENCH TAUNTER pointing. WIDE SHOT again. The squeaking gets louder
- an enormous twenty-foot-high wooden rabbit is wheeled out of the
- undergrowth into the open space in front of the castle. The ENGLISH scuttle
- back into the undergrowth. The rabbit has a large red bow tied round it
- and a rather crudely written label, which reads "Pour votres amis
- Francais". The CHIEF TAUNTER looks at it, narrowing his eyes. Then he
- turns and leaves battlements.
-
- CUT TO ARTHUR and COMPANY watching from the bushes. The main gate of the
- castle opens a little and the CHIEF TAUNTER's head sticks out, then another
- Froggie head, then another. They mutter to each other in French, look
- rather pleased, then rush out and start to pull the giant rabbit in.
-
- CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and COMPANY behind some bushes watching.
-
- ARTHUR
- Now what happens?
-
- BEDEVERE
- Well now, Launcelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall
- and then leap out of the rabbit and take the French by surprise,
- not only by surprise but totally unarmed!
-
- ARTHUR
- Who ... Who breaks out?
-
- BEDEVERE
- Er ... We ... Launcelot, Galahad, and I ... Er ... leap out of the
- rabbit and ...
-
- LAUNCELOT covers his eyes.
-
- BEDEVERE
- Look, if we were to build a large wooden badger...
-
- ARTHUR cuffs him. ARTHUR looks at the battlements. There is a loud twang.
- Look of horror. The rabbit comes sailing over the battlements.
-
-
- ARTHUR
- Run away!
-
- More shouts.
-
- Run away!
-
- | SIR GAWAIN
- | (to his PAGE as they run away)
- | It's only a model.
- |
- | ARTHUR
- | Sh!
-
- They continue to retreat. The rabbit lands on GAWAIN'S PAGE
- (who is already weighed down by enormous quantity of luggage).
-
-
- 10 EXTERIOR - CASTLE WALLS - DAY
-
- CUT TO a MAN in modern dress standing outside a castle. He speaks straight
- to CAMERA in a documentary kind of way.
-
- SUPERIMPOSE CAPTION: A Very Famous Historian.
-
- HISTORIAN'S SPEECH
- Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened
- King Arthur ... The ferocity of the French taunting took him
- completely by surprise and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy
- was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought
- to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest
- knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail
- individually. Now, this is what they did. No sooner...
-
- A KNIGHT rides into shot and hacks him to the ground. He rides off.
-
- We stay for a moment on the glade. A MIDDLE-AGED LADY in a C. & A.
- twin-set emerges from the trees and looks in horror at the body of her
- HUSBAND.
-
- MRS HISTORIAN
- FRANK!
-
- CUT TO animated frame, with the words "The Tale of Sir Robin" on it.
- Pleasant pastoral music. MIX THROUGH TO:
- + VOICE: "The Tale Of Sir Robin"
-
-
- 11 EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY
-
- A KNIGHT is trotting along through a wooden sun-dapled glade, followed by
- his trusty PAGE banging the usual half coconuts. As we see them approach
- we hear the beautiful lilting sound of medieval music, and see that
- the KNIGHT is followed by a small retinue of MUSICIANS in
- thirteenth-century courtly costume, one sings, and plays the tambourine,
- one bangs at a tabor (A small drum O.E.D) and one plays the pipes.
-
- The KNIGHT looks very proud and firm as we hear the first part of the song,
- but the combination of the lyrics and the large signs they pass, start
- to have their effect ...
-
- SONG:
-
- Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot,
- He was not afraid to die, Oh Brave Sir Robin,
- He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways
- Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin.
-
- He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp
- Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken;
- To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
- And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin.
-
- His head smashed in, and his heart cut out,
- And his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged,
- And his nostrils raped, and his bottom burned off,
- And his penis split ... and his ...
-
- ROBIN
- Er, That's ... That's enough music for a while, lads.
- It Looks as though like there's dirty work afoot.
-
- SINGERS
- Brave, Sir Rob ...
-
- ROBIN
- Shut up.
-
- They have ridden past the following signs, all in triplicate:-
-
- +------------------------------------------------------+
- | CAMELOT 43 CERTAIN DEATH I |
- | CAMELOT 43 CERTAIN DEATH I |
- | CAMELOT 43 CERTAIN DEATH I |
- +------------------------------------------------------+
- +------------------------------------------------------------+
- | BEWARE GO BACK DEAD PEOPLE ONLY |
- | BEWARE GO BACK DEAD PEOPLE ONLY |
- | BEWARE GO BACK DEAD PEOPLE ONLY |
- +------------------------------------------------------------+
-
-
- 12 EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY
-
- They now pass three KNIGHTS impaled to a tree. With their feet off the
- ground, with one lance through the lot of them, they are skewered up
- like a barbecue.
-
- Then they pass three KNIGHTS sitting on the ground with one enormous axe
- through their skulls. They look timorous.
-
- | Then a huge tree is absolutely packed with MAIDENS tied to it. They all
- | look fed up. SIR ROBIN calls out cheerfully as he passes.
- |
- | ROBIN
- | Morning.
- |
- | ONE LADY
- | Bye.
- |
- SIR ROBIN rides on a little way with the music building up enormous and
- terrifying tension, until suddenly there standing before him is an
- enormous THREE-HEADED KNIGHT.
-
- THREE HEADS
- Halt! Who art thou?
-
- SINGERS
- He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who ...
-
- ROBIN
- (to SINGERS)
- Shut up. Oh, nobody really. just passing through.
-
- THREE HEADS
- What do you want?
-
- SINGERS
- To fight and ...
-
- ROBIN
- Shut up. Nothing really. just to pass through, good Sir knight.
-
- THREE HEADS
- I'm afraid not.
- | This is my bit of the forest. Find your own bit.
-
- ROBIN
- I am a Knight of King Arthur's Round Table.
- | I seek the Holy Grail - Stand aside and let me pass.
-
- THREE HEADS
- You are a Knight of the Round Table?
-
- ROBIN
- I am.
-
- From now on the THREE HEADS speak individually.
-
- SECOND HEAD
- Shit.
-
- FIRST HEAD
- In that case I shall have to kill you.
-
- SECOND HEAD
- Shall I?
-
- THIRD HEAD
- Oh, I don't think so.
-
- SECOND HEAD
- I'm not sure.
-
- MIDDLE HEAD
- (to FIRST)
- What do I think?
-
- LEFT HEAD
- I think kill him.
- |
- | SECOND HEAD
- | I'm still not sure.
- |
- | THIRD HEAD
- | All right. How many of me think I should kill him?
- |
- | FIRST HEAD
- | I do.
- |
- | THIRD HEAD
- | One.
- |
- | SECOND HEAD
- | That's not a quorum.
- |
- | FIRST HEAD
- | It is if I'm the Chairman.
- |
- | THIRD HEAD
- | Oo, it's not.
- |
- | SECOND HEAD
- | I'm the Chairman this week.
- |
- | FIRST HEAD
- | You're not.
- |
- | SECOND HEAD
- | Look, it'll make it much simpler if I vote with me.
- |
- | THIRD HEAD
- | To kill him.
- |
- | SECOND HEAD
- | Yeah.
- |
- | THIRD HEAD
- | (tuts)
- | Oh, damn.
- |
- | FIRST HEAD
- | (to SIR ROBIN)
- | Knight, I have decided to kill you.
- |
- | THIRD HEAD
- | With one absenting.
- |
- | FIRST HEAD
- | Knight, I have decided to kill you with one absenting.
- |
- | THIRD HEAD
- | (to SIR ROBIN)
- | Sorry about this but I have to be fair.
- |
- | ROBIN
- | Oh, that's all right. So you are going to kill me with your big axe.
- |
- | FIRST HEAD
- | Er no, with my sword.
- |
- | SECOND HEAD
- | Dagger.
- |
- | THIRD HEAD
- | Mace is quicker.
- |
- | FIRST HEAD
- | No, no, the sword, it's easier.
- |
- | THIRD HEAD
- | He said axe.
- |
- | ROBIN
- | Look, hurry up six eyes, or I shall cut your head off.
- |
- | THIRD HEAD
- | (to SIR ROBIN, referring to FIRST HEAD)
- | For God's sake, CUT that one off, and do us all a favour.
- |
- | FIRST HEAD
- | What do you mean?
- |
- | THIRD HEAD
- | Yapping on all the time.
- |
- | SECOND HEAD
- | You're lucky, you're not next to him.
- |
- | THIRD HEAD
- | What do you mean?
- |
- | SECOND HEAD
- | You snore.
- |
- | THIRD HEAD
- | Oo, lies. Anyway, you've got bad breath.
- |
- | SECOND HEAD
- | (aspirating heavily)
- | I haven't.
- |
- | Both THIRD and FIRST HEADS turn away slightly, making faces.
- |
- | SECOND HEAD
- | It's not my fault. It's what you both eat.
- |
- | FIRST HEAD
- | Look, stop this bitching. We've got a knight to kill.
- |
- | SECOND HEAD
- | He's buggered off.
- |
- | THIRD HEAD
- | So he has. He's scarpered.
- |
- | FIRST HEAD
- | That's all your fault.
- |
- | THIRD HEAD
- | No, it's not.
- |
- | FIRST HEAD
- | (swipes at himself)
- | Take that.
- |
- | SECOND HEAD
- | Ow.
- |
- | FIRST HEAD
- | I'm sorry.
- |
- | THIRD HEAD
- | 'Ere, stop it. I'll teach you.
- |
- | The BODY starts laying into itself with sword and mace, while the HEADS
- | argue and shout with pain. We PAN gently across to the MAIDENS on their
- | tree. They are still very fed up.
- |
- | MAIDEN
- | I suppose we're lucky he's only got three heads.
- |
- | LOVELY
- | Chance would be a fine thing.
- +
- + THIRD HEAD
- + Oh! let's be nice to him.
- +
- + FIRST HEAD
- + Oh shut up.
- +
- + ROBIN
- + Perhaps I could ...
- +
- + FIRST HEAD
- + Oh! quick! get the sword out I want to cut his head off.
- +
- + THIRD HEAD
- + Oh, cut your own head off.
- +
- + SECOND HEAD
- + Yes - do us all a favour.
- +
- + FIRST HEAD
- + What?
- +
- + THIRD HEAD
- + Yapping on all the time.
- +
- + SECOND HEAD
- + You're lucky, you're not next to him.
- +
- + THIRD HEAD
- + What do you mean?
- +
- + SECOND HEAD
- + You snore.
- +
- + THIRD HEAD
- + Ooh, lies! anyway you've got bad breath.
- +
- + SECOND HEAD
- + Well only because you don't brush my teeth ...
- +
- + THIRD HEAD
- + Oh! stop bickering and let's go and have tea and biscuits.
- +
- + FIRST HEAD
- + All right! All right! We'll kill him first and then have tea
- + and biscuits.
- +
- + SECOND HEAD
- + Yes.
- +
- + THIRD HEAD
- + Oh! not biscuits ...
- +
- + FIRST HEAD
- + All right! All right! not biscuits - but lets kill him anyway ...
- +
- + WIDE-SHOT THE 3-HEADED KNIGHT is alone.
- +
- + SECOND HEAD
- + He's buggered off!
- +
- + THIRD HEAD
- + So he has! He's scarpered.
-
-
- 13 EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY
-
- Quick sequence of SIR ROBIN. The music is jolly and bright, as if
- triumphant. ROBIN is not at all happy with the lyrics.
-
- SINGERS
- Brave Sir Robin ran away.
-
- ROBIN
- I didn't.
-
- SINGERS
- Bravely ran away, away.
-
- ROBIN
- No, no, no.
-
- SINGERS
- When danger reared its ugly head,
- He bravely turned his tail and fled
- Yes, Brave Sir Robin turned about
- And gallantly he chickened out
- Bravely taking to his feet
- He beat a very brave retreat
- Bravest of the brave Sir Robin
- Petrified of being dead
- Soiled his pants then brave Sir Robin
- Turned away and fled.
-
- They disappear into distance.
-
- ANIMATION: "The Tale Of Sir Galahad"
-
-
- 14 EXTERIOR - STORM - FOREST - DUSK
-
- As the storm rages we pick up GALAHAD forcing his way through brambles and
- over slippery rocks. Progress is hard. He pauses and at this moment
- we hear the howling of wolves. GALAHAD turns, then hurries onward even
- more urgently. Another louder, closer howl is herd and GALAHAD stumbles
- and falls heavily. Though obviously injured he bravely struggles
- forward a little and regains his feed reacting with pain. More louder
- closer howling. He grips his sword valiantly and as he glances around
- a flash of lightning reveals the silhouette of a huge terrifying castle,
- perhaps looking rather derelict. He makes up his mind in an instant and
- stumbles manfully toward it. More louder howling. He reaches the
- forbidding and enormous doors of the castle and beats on the doors with the
- handle of his sword, looking over his shoulder the while. Pause.
- He beats again, shouting:
-
- GALAHAD
- Open. Open the doors. In the name of King Arthur. Open the doors.
- | I am Sir Galahad, a knight of the Round Table.
- |
- | Some suitable noises are herd inside.
- |
- | I am on a quest for the Holy Grail. I seek shelter.
-
- Some rattling chainy noises come from inside with huge bolts being
- drawn. The wolves' howling is very close. As the door creaks
- open GALAHAD steps quickly inside.
-
- 15 INTERIOR - CASTLE - NIGHT
-
- From inside we see GALAHAD enter, wiping the rain from his eyes, and turn
- as the door crashes behind him. GALAHAD turns to the door reacting to the
- fact he is trapped.
-
- ZOOT (OUT OF VISION)
- Hello!
-
- GALAHAD turns back. We see from his POV the lovely ZOOT standing by him
- smiling enchantingly and a number of equally delectable GIRLIES draped
- around in the seductively poulticed room. They look at him smilingly and
- wave.
-
- GIRLIES
- Hello!
-
- ZOOT
- Welcome, gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
-
- GALAHAD
- The Castle Anthrax?
-
- ZOOT
- Yes. It's not a very good name, is it? But we are
- nice and we shall attend to your every ... every need!
-
- GALAHAD
- Er ...
- + You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?
-
- ZOOT
- The what? But you are tired and you must rest awhile. Midget!
- Crapper!
-
- MIDGET AND CRAPPER
- Yes, O Zoot?
-
- ZOOT
- Prepare a bed for our guest.
-
- MIDGET AND CRAPPER
- (grovelling with delight)
- Oh thank you, Zoot, thank you, thank you.
-
- ZOOT
- Away varletesses!
- (to GALAHAD)
- The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.
-
- GALAHAD
- Well, look er, I ...
-
- ZOOT
- What is your name, handsome knight?
-
- GALAHAD
- Er ... Sir Galahad... the Chaste.
-
- ZOOT
- Mine is Zoot. Just Zoot
- (she is very close to him for a moment)
- But come.
-
- She turns away and leads him towards a door leading to a corner leading
- to the bedchamber
-
- GALAHAD
- Well Look, I'm afraid I really ought to be ...
-
- ZOOT
- Sir Galahad!!
-
- There is a gasp from the other GIRLS
-
- ZOOT
- You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.
-
- GALAHAD looks at the other GIRLS. They are clearly on the verge of
- being offended.
-
- GALAHAD
- Well ...
-
- ZOOT
- (she moves off and GALAHAD unwillingly follows)
- I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared
- to yours. We are but eightscore young blondes, all between
- sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle, with no
- one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life ... bathing ...
- dressing ... undressing ... making exciting underwear....
-
- They reach the end of the corridor and enter the bedchamber.
- ZOOT turns
-
- ZOOT
- We are just not used to handsome knights ...
- (she notices him limping)
- But you are wounded!
-
- GALAHAD
- No, It's nothing!
-
- ZOOT
- You must see the doctors immediately.
- (she claps again)
- You must lie down.
-
- She almost forces him to lie on the bed as PIGLET and WINSTON enter the
- room. They are equally beautiful and dressed exotically. They
- approach GALAHAD.
-
- PIGLET
- Well, what seems to be the trouble?
-
- GALAHAD
- They're doctors?
-
- ZOOT
- They have a basic medical training, yes. Now you must try to rest.
- Dr. Winston! Dr. Piglet! Practice your art!!
-
- WINSTON
- Try to relax.
-
- GALAHAD
- No look, really, this isn't nescess ...
-
- PIGLET
- We must examine you.
-
- GALAHAD
- There's nothing wrong with ... that.
-
- PIGLET
- (slightly irritated)
- Please ... we are doctors.
-
- ZOOT reappears. GALAHAD tries for one brief moment to relax. Then there is
- a sharp boing from the lower part of his armour. WINSTON glances quickly
- in the appropriate direction as GALAHAD sits up and starts getting off the
- bed and collecting his armour, saying:
-
- GALAHAD
- No, no, this cannot be. I am sworn to chastity!
-
- PIGLET
- Back to your bed! At once!
-
- GALAHAD
- I'm sorry, I must go.
-
- GALAHAD hurries to the door and pushes through it. As he leaves the room
- we CUT TO the reverse to show that he is now in a room full of bathing
- and romping GIRLIES, all innocent, wide-eyed and beautiful. They smile
- enchantingly at him as he tries to keep walking without being diverted by
- the lovely sights assaulting his eyeballs. He nods to them stiffly once
- or twice and then his eye catches a particularly stunning YOUNG LADY.
- He visibly gulps with repressed emotion and cannot resist saying:
- |
- | GALAHAD
- | Good evening ... Ah, Zoot! Er ...
- |
- | DINGO
- | No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
- |
- | GALAHAD
- | Oh. Well, I'm sorry, but I must leave immediately.
- |
- | DINGO
- | (very dramatically)
- | No! Oh, no! Bad ... bad Zoot.
- |
- | GALAHAD
- | Er, why?
- |
- | DINGO
- | She has been lying again ... she told us you had promised to
- | stay for ever!
- |
- | GALAHAD
- | Oh!
- +
- + GALAHAD
- + Oh ... will you excuse me?
- +
- + DINGO
- + Where are you going?
- +
- + GALAHAD
- + I have seen the Grail! I have seen it - here in this castle!
- +
- + DINGO
- + No! Oh, no! Bad ... bad Zoot!
- +
- + GALAHAD
- + What is it?
- +
- + DINGO
- + Bad, wicked, naughty Zoot! She has been setting fire to our beacon,
- + which - I have just remembered - is grail-shaped ... It is not the
- + first time we've had this problem.
- +
- + GALAHAD
- + It's not the real Grail?
- +
- + DINGO
- Wicked wicked Zoot ... she is a bad person and she must pay the
- penalty. And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment
- ... you must tie her down on a bed ... and spank her. Come!
-
- GIRLS
- A spanking! A spanking!
-
- DINGO
- You must spank her well and after you have spanked her you
- may deal with her as you like and then ... spank me.
-
- AMAZING
- And spank me!
-
- STUNNER
- And me.
-
- LOVELY
- And me.
-
- DINGO
- Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
-
- GIRLS
- A spanking. A spanking. There is going to be a spanking tonight.
-
- DINGO
- And after the spanking ... the oral sex.
-
- GALAHAD
- Oh, dear! Well, I...
-
- GIRLS
- The oral sex ... The oral sex.
-
- GALAHAD
- Well, I suppose I could stay a BIT longer.
-
- At this moment there is a commotion behind and SIR LAUNCELOT and CONCORD,
- possibly plus GAWAIN, burst into the bathing area with swords drawn and
- form themselves round SIR GALAHAD threatening the GIRLS.
-
- LAUNCELOT
- Sir Galahad!
-
- GALAHAD
- Oh ... hello ...
-
- LAUNCELOT
- Quick!
-
- GALAHAD
- Why?
-
- LAUNCELOT
- You are in great peril.
-
- DINGO
- No he isn't
-
- LAUNCELOT
- Silence! Foul temptress!
-
- GALAHAD
- Well, she's got a point.
-
- LAUNCELOT
- We'll cover your escape!
-
- GALAHAD
- Look - I'm fine!
-
- GIRLS
- Sir Galahad!
-
- He threatens DINGO.
-
- GALAHAD
- No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
-
- GIRLS
- Yes, yes, let him Tackle us single-handed!
-
- LAUNCELOT
- Come Sir Galahad, quickly!
-
- GALAHAD
- No, really, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily!
-
- DINGO
- Yes, let him handle us easily.
-
- LAUNCELOT
- No sir. Quick!
-
-
- He starts pulling GALAHAD away.
-
- GALAHAD
- No, please. Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred.
-
- GIRLS
- He will beat us easily. We haven't a chance.
-
- DINGO
- Oh shit!
-
- By now LAUNCELOT and CONCORDE have hustled GALAHAD out of the bathing
- area and are running through the outside door.
-
- LAUNCELOT
- We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
-
- GALAHAD
- (dragging his feet somewhat)
- I don't think I was.
-
- LAUNCELOT
- You were, Sir Galahad, You were in terrible peril.
-
- GALAHAD
- Look, let me go back in there and face the peril?
-
- LAUNCELOT
- It's too perilous.
-
- They are right outside the castle by now.
-
- GALAHAD
- Look, it's my duty as a knight to try and sample as much peril as I can.
-
- LAUNCELOT
- No, no, we must find the Grail.
-
- The thunderstorm is over. A bunch (sic) of PAGES are tethered to a tree with
- more MEN waiting. Their tethers are untied and the PAGES start banging away
- with their coconuts. GALAHAD is swept along with them as they ride off.
-
- GALAHAD
- Oh, let me go and have a bit of peril?
-
- LAUNCELOT
- No. It's unhealthy.
-
- GALAHAD
- ... I Bet you're gay.
-
- LAUNCELOT
- No, I'm not.
-
- GAWAIN or CONCORDE gives a knowing glance at LAUNCELOT. VOICE comes in as
- they ride off.
-
- VOICE OVER
- Sir Launcelot had saved Galahad from almost certain
- temptation but they were still lost, far from the goal
- of their search for the Holy Grail. Only Bedevere and
- King Arthur himself, riding day and night, had made
- any progress.
-