NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #27

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Internet Message Format | 1992-11-17 | 15.6 KB

Path: sparky!uunet!wupost!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!pitt.edu!pitt!cuphub.cup.edu!arr9734 From: arr9734@cuphub.cup.edu Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: LIFE4 Message-ID: <1992Nov16.090557.110@cuphub.cup.edu> Date: 16 Nov 92 14:05:57 GMT Organization: California University of Pennsylvania, California, PA Lines: 405 ---------------------------------------------------- Steven Wright: On Ballerinas - "Why are they always on their tip-toes? ... why don't they just get taller women?" "I was staying in an old hotel ... ... they sent me a wake-up letter." Whatever temperature a room is, it's always room temperature ... On the other hand, you have different fingers. "I have all the erasers to all the miniature golf pencils in the world." ---------------------------------------------------- My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women--Woody Allen Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women?--Virginia Woolf ---------------------------------------------------- the idea that limbless animals use less energy than do legged animals. Biologist Bruce Jayne and crew monitored snakes' movements slithering on treadmills while wearing tiny oxygen masks. ---------------------------------------------------- The optimist sees a glass that's half full. The pessimist sees a glass that's half empty. An engineer sees a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be! ---------------------------------------------------- The October 8, 1990 issue of Fortune has picked up on a small story which appeared in the Los Angeles Times. As best as I remember, there was a lawyer who got caught three times in an alleged speed trap. He sued the city under RICO (Racketeering Influence and Corruption) statutes. Part of the allegation is that the city set the speed limit without reviewing the traffic patterns every 5 years. A judge ruled that the city could be sued under RICO. I doubt that this is what they had in mind when Congress passed the RICO statutes. ---------------------------------------------------- THE TRUTH ACCORDING TO MARX --------------------------- 1) When a person's nose itches, it's a sign that it should be scratched. 2) A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. 3) Thirteen at a table is unlucky when the hostess has only 12 chops. 4) Singing before breakfast is a forewarning of a fight with a neighbor-- if the neighbor is trying to sleep late. 5) Throwing salt over the shoulder is likely to give the impression that the mas who throws the salt has dandruff. 6) Finding a four-leaf clover is a sign that you have been down on your hands and knees. 7) To get out of bed on the wrong side probably means that you have had too much the night before. 8) To carry a rabbit's foot is a sign that you are a good shot with a gun--or have a friend who is. 9) When three men get a light off one match it is indicative of the fact that they have only one match or are Scotsmen. ---------------------------------------------------- More Groucho Marx: "Even though I try never to forget a face... I'm willing to make an exception in your case." You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. --Groucho Marx' last words I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member. Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid. Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together. Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating? Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other. Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops. ---------------------------------------------------- On CNN: The outlook for the economy is so bad that the mob in New Jersey just laid off 3 judges. ---------------------------------------------------- J. Patterson of Ottawa has just been sentenced to 6 years in prison for holding up a trust company. Mr Patterson was captured after a high speed chase which ended when the car in which he was riding collided with a grave stone in a cemetary. Police found Mr Patterson and the loot in the trunk of the car. Mr Patterson stole $6000 from the trust company. The police confiscated the gun he used in the robbery. They discovered that it was an antique Colt 45. It is to be auctioned with a reserve bid of $100,000. ---------------------------------------------------- A drunk approached a gas bar late at night and told the attendants he was robbing them. When they refused to give him anything, he threatened to call the police. When they still refused, he called the police. When the police arrived, the drunk was promptly arrested. ---------------------------------------------------- As recently reported on CNN: Undercover police, staging the wedding of "a drug kingpin's daughter", let it be known on the street that dealers were "invited" (i.e. expected to attend). The bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender, and about half the guests. The band playing at the wedding was "S.P.O.C" (COPS, backwards), and the wedding went through the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward. The long-sought dealers were arrested after the "band" took their break. The last song the band played before taking its break? - "I fought the law, and the law won". ---------------------------------------------------- Seen in a tabloid-style advertisment for a kind of surplus store in a piece where they are making fun of Pentagon $43,762.95 coffee cups: "We will not be oversold! Our guarantee: If you find the same item for a higher price within 30 days of purchase, we will cheerfully bill you for the difference plus 10%" ---------------------------------------------------- It has been proven that olives are a major killer of humans. Statistics have shown that 100% of humans that ate an olive in the year 1375 are dead. ---------------------------------------------------- I can't remember where I read this several years ago but it was alleged to have really happened. Back when Hubert Humphrey was active in politics he and his campaign manager took a few days for a fishing trip in Northern Minnesota. While they were in a small town a bus-load of tourists pulled in. The manager suggested that this was a good opportunity to impress a few voters and that he should go on the bus and "pump them up" a bit, then Humphfrey could go shake everybody's hand. This sounded good so the manager got on the bus. However instead of introducing his candidate he pretended to be the mayor welcoming everybody to town. Then looking towards Humphrey he said, "I guess I should mention that we have a guy here who thinks he's Hubert Humphrey, and he does look and talk a an awful lot like Hubert Humphrey. But he's a harmless fellow and we kind of like him, so we'd appreciate it if you would just kind of be nice to him." After Humphrey shook their hands he commented on how strangely they acted. ---------------------------------------------------- Communism is the only moral form for society, what will it take to put people in a position to see that? (wrote one poster) - Gunpoint ---------------------------------------------------- Helpful error messages: Someone in a compiler writing class produced a compiler with one error message "you lied to me when you told me this was a program" ----------------------- Man the Lifeboats! Women and children first! .... Management was not amused when the first customer called in for support with this message. :-) ----------------------- If things go amiss in Interactive Data Language, as they frequently do, you get : Something Rotten in Denmark, Interp Stack Not ALigned just before the core dumps. ---------------------------------------------------- Our lab's run by three of us (a guy is the 'manager' over all, a girl is the 'operator' [read: Vax runner], and I run the Suns), and we tend to pull practical jokes on each other every once in a while. The manager came up with a real beauty last week. In the SHUTDOWN.COM procedures, he added a few lines to make it look like this: blahblah perform automatic reboot? blah blah... (right after the last 'normal' question) Will I dream? [yes] (she types yes) Great! Lord knows I love a good dream. <system comes down> backup.. <system comes back up..enter SYLOGIN.COM> (audit messages about images coming up) Press [RETURN]: Let me fill you in on my dream! It was horrible!! I dreamt I was totally out-dated and I ran 4.3! And every night, after you all left, the Suns tormented me through the window! They're real bitches, those Suns! One even threw a Mip at me! I was so SCARED...God I'm glad you're back! Welcome to VAX/VMS 5.3-1. ---------------------------------------------------- Instrument Flying for Animal Lovers: Having detailed the concept of attitude control, there is another method which you may prefer. For reasons that will become apparent, it is recommended for those pilots whose airplanes have large, easily cleaned cabins. Known as the "Cat and Duck Method" of instrument flight, it has received much publicity and is considered to have a great deal of merit by those who have not tried it. No reports have been received from those who did try it, and none are expected. Pilots are invited to assess its merits objectively. Basic rules for the C&D Method of instrument flight are fairly will known and are extremely simple. Here's how it's done: 1. Place a live cat on the cockpit floor; because a cat always remains upright. it can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one. 2. The duck is used for instrument approach and landing. Because of the fact that any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow it to the ground. There are some limitations to the Cat and Duck Method, but by rigidly adhering to the following checklist, a degree of success will be achieved which will surely startle you, your passengers, and even an occasional tower operator. 1. Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all. It may be necessary to carry a large dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention. 2. Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a tight snap roll followed by an inverted spin. 3. Use old cats only. Young cats have nine lives, but old, used-up cats with only one life left have just as much to lose as you do and will be more dependable. 4. Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, it will refuse to leave without the cat. Ducks are no better in IFR conditions than you are. 5. Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes fail to realize that they are on the guages and go flogging off in the nearest hill. Very nearsighted ducks will not realize that they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This maneuver is difficult to follow in an airplane. 6. Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and find yourself on final for a rice paddy, particularly if there are duck hunters around. Duck hunters suffer from temporary insanity while sitting in freezing weather in the blinds and will shoot at anything that flies. 7. Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese because many water birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction as you. ---------------------------------------------------- GSP Digest #279 September 16, 1990 AND HOLD THE ANCHOVIES ON ALL 312 Inmates at a prison in New South Wales, Australia, took advantage of a wardens' strike to break into an office and telephone an order for 18 tons of concrete to be delivered as a prank. While they were at it, they called out for 312 pizzas. (The concrete was sent back, but the prison had to pay for the pizzas.) THE CONTINUING CRISIS An annual festival at California Polytechnic State University, San Luis Obispo was called off in April after revelers got out of hand. At one point, police officers (who eventually arrested 100) quelled the partyers by shouting over bullhorns, "Assault on police officers will not look good on your resumes!" NON-STOP GRIDLOCK Greg Weiler resigned in April after five years on a citizens advisory committee to the Orange County Transportation Commission studying traffic problems, saying he was constantly unable to get to meetings on time because of freeway gridlock. Carl Williams, 22, was indicted in Cleveland in December for having made 32 phone calls to 911 because he was bored and needed conversation. His mother had had their telephone service fixed so Carl could no longer dial 900 numbers for conversation because he had been running up huge bills. Ralph Armstrong, a retired firefighter in Santa Rosa, complaining a construction company had reneged on its promise to build a noise shield between its site and his home, erected his own shield in January - a solid wall made of horse manure. September 23, 1990 Secretary of State James Baker, on the July accord between Helmut Kohl and Mikhail Gorbachev that would allow a united Germany to choose whether or not to join NATO: "This is a delightful surprise to the extent that it is a surprise, and it is only a surprise to the extent that we anticipated." NASA spokesman Bob McMillan, commenting on the photographic success of the Galileo spacecraft in February: "No problems. Everything has gone tickety-boo." The sister of the Japanese soldier who resurfaced last year in Malaysia, where he had been hiding since World War II: "I did not hear from him for nearly 50 years, so of course I was worried." Hernando, Fla., Circuit Judge Richard Tombrink, barring reporters and the public from a January meeting with three county administrators on recent jail escapes: "If you want a free and open discussion, you can't allow the public or the press in." ---------------------------------------------------- from the now defunct Salt Lake City Operation of Hewlett-Packard: A Few Lesser Known Famous Quotes: "Learned more from a three minute bug fix than we ever did in school." Bruce Sprinsteen "Four score and seven (hundred) bugs ago, our fore-fathers brought forth a new application." from The Gettysbug Address "If we can't fix it, it isn't broken." Lab manager I think therefore I create bugs." Descartes "Debug is human, de-fix divine." "There's a bug born every minute, and two to replace him." P. T. Bugem Final message received from the Titanic: "Fatal crash due to icebug." "One small bug for man, one great program for mankind." N. Armstrong "The bug is mightier than the fix." Cyrano deBuggerac "Man does not live by bug fixes alone." The Super-User "For every bug fixed, there is a bigger bug not yet discovered." "I have just begun to debug."