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- Path: sparky!uunet!wupost!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!pitt.edu!pitt!cuphub.cup.edu!arr9734
- From: arr9734@cuphub.cup.edu
- Newsgroups: rec.humor
- Subject: LIFE4
- Message-ID: <1992Nov16.090557.110@cuphub.cup.edu>
- Date: 16 Nov 92 14:05:57 GMT
- Organization: California University of Pennsylvania, California, PA
- Lines: 405
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- ----------------------------------------------------
-
- Steven Wright:
-
- On Ballerinas - "Why are they always on their tip-toes? ...
- why don't they just get taller women?"
-
- "I was staying in an old hotel ...
- ... they sent me a wake-up letter."
-
- Whatever temperature a room is, it's always room temperature ...
-
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
-
- "I have all the erasers to all the miniature golf pencils in the world."
-
- ----------------------------------------------------
-
- My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class
- of women--Woody Allen
-
- Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are
- to women?--Virginia Woolf
-
- ----------------------------------------------------
-
- the idea that limbless animals use less energy than do legged animals.
- Biologist Bruce Jayne and crew monitored snakes' movements slithering on
- treadmills while wearing tiny oxygen masks.
-
- ----------------------------------------------------
-
- The optimist sees a glass that's half full.
- The pessimist sees a glass that's half empty.
-
- An engineer sees a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be!
-
- ----------------------------------------------------
-
- The October 8, 1990 issue of Fortune has picked up on a
- small story which appeared in the Los Angeles Times.
-
- As best as I remember, there was a lawyer who got caught
- three times in an alleged speed trap. He sued the city
- under RICO (Racketeering Influence and Corruption) statutes.
- Part of the allegation is that the city set the speed limit
- without reviewing the traffic patterns every 5 years.
-
- A judge ruled that the city could be sued under RICO.
-
- I doubt that this is what they had in mind when Congress
- passed the RICO statutes.
-
- ----------------------------------------------------
-
- THE TRUTH ACCORDING TO MARX
- ---------------------------
-
- 1) When a person's nose itches, it's a sign that it should be scratched.
- 2) A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going
- somewhere.
- 3) Thirteen at a table is unlucky when the hostess has only 12 chops.
- 4) Singing before breakfast is a forewarning of a fight with a neighbor--
- if the neighbor is trying to sleep late.
- 5) Throwing salt over the shoulder is likely to give the impression that
- the mas who throws the salt has dandruff.
- 6) Finding a four-leaf clover is a sign that you have been down on your
- hands and knees.
- 7) To get out of bed on the wrong side probably means that you have had
- too much the night before.
- 8) To carry a rabbit's foot is a sign that you are a good shot with a
- gun--or have a friend who is.
- 9) When three men get a light off one match it is indicative of the
- fact that they have only one match or are Scotsmen.
-
- ----------------------------------------------------
-
- More Groucho Marx:
-
- "Even though I try never to forget a face... I'm willing to make an exception
- in your case."
-
- You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a
- taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a
- minute and a huff.
-
- A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
-
- Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
- --Groucho Marx' last words
-
- I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
-
- I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
-
- Nurse Donna:
- Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.
- Groucho:
- Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.
-
- Nurse Donna:
- Do you believe in computer dating?
- Groucho:
- Only if the computers really love each other.
-
- Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops.
-
- ----------------------------------------------------
-
- On CNN:
-
- The outlook for the economy is so bad that the mob in New Jersey
- just laid off 3 judges.
-
- ----------------------------------------------------
-
- J. Patterson of Ottawa has just been sentenced to 6 years in prison
- for holding up a trust company. Mr Patterson was captured after
- a high speed chase which ended when the car in which he was
- riding collided with a grave stone in a cemetary. Police found
- Mr Patterson and the loot in the trunk of the car.
-
- Mr Patterson stole $6000 from the trust company. The police
- confiscated the gun he used in the robbery. They discovered
- that it was an antique Colt 45. It is to be auctioned
- with a reserve bid of $100,000.
-
- ----------------------------------------------------
-
- A drunk approached a gas bar late at night and told the
- attendants he was robbing them. When they refused to
- give him anything, he threatened to call the police.
- When they still refused, he called the police. When
- the police arrived, the drunk was promptly arrested.
-
- ----------------------------------------------------
-
- As recently reported on CNN:
-
- Undercover police, staging the wedding of "a drug kingpin's
- daughter", let it be known on the street that dealers were "invited"
- (i.e. expected to attend). The bride and groom were police, as was the
- band, bartender, and about half the guests. The band playing at the
- wedding was "S.P.O.C" (COPS, backwards), and the wedding went through
- the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward. The long-sought
- dealers were arrested after the "band" took their break. The last song
- the band played before taking its break? - "I fought the law, and the
- law won".
-
- ----------------------------------------------------
-
- Seen in a tabloid-style advertisment for a kind of surplus store in
- a piece where they are making fun of Pentagon $43,762.95 coffee cups:
-
- "We will not be oversold!
-
- Our guarantee: If you find the same item for a higher
- price within 30 days of purchase, we will cheerfully
- bill you for the difference plus 10%"
-
- ----------------------------------------------------
-
- It has been proven that olives are a major killer of humans.
-
- Statistics have shown that 100% of humans that ate an olive
- in the year 1375 are dead.
-
- ----------------------------------------------------
-
- I can't remember where I read this several years ago but it was
- alleged to have really happened.
-
- Back when Hubert Humphrey was active in politics he and his campaign
- manager took a few days for a fishing trip in Northern Minnesota.
- While they were in a small town a bus-load of tourists pulled in.
- The manager suggested that this was a good opportunity to impress a
- few voters and that he should go on the bus and "pump them up" a
- bit, then Humphfrey could go shake everybody's hand. This sounded
- good so the manager got on the bus. However instead of introducing
- his candidate he pretended to be the mayor welcoming everybody to
- town. Then looking towards Humphrey he said, "I guess I should
- mention that we have a guy here who thinks he's Hubert Humphrey, and
- he does look and talk a an awful lot like Hubert Humphrey. But he's
- a harmless fellow and we kind of like him, so we'd appreciate it if
- you would just kind of be nice to him."
-
- After Humphrey shook their hands he commented on how strangely they
- acted.
-
- ----------------------------------------------------
-
- Communism is the only moral form for society, what will it take to put
- people in a position to see that? (wrote one poster)
-
- - Gunpoint
-
- ----------------------------------------------------
-
- Helpful error messages:
-
- Someone in a compiler writing class produced a compiler with one
- error message "you lied to me when you told me this was a program"
-
- -----------------------
-
- Man the Lifeboats! Women and children first! ....
-
- Management was not amused when the first customer called in for
- support with this message. :-)
-
- -----------------------
-
- If things go amiss in Interactive Data Language, as they frequently do,
- you get :
-
- Something Rotten in Denmark, Interp Stack Not ALigned
-
- just before the core dumps.
-
- ----------------------------------------------------
-
- Our lab's run by three of us (a guy is the 'manager' over all, a girl is
- the 'operator' [read: Vax runner], and I run the Suns), and we tend to
- pull practical jokes on each other every once in a while. The manager came
- up with a real beauty last week.
-
- In the SHUTDOWN.COM procedures, he added a few lines to make it look like
- this:
-
- blahblah perform automatic reboot? blah blah...
- (right after the last 'normal' question)
-
- Will I dream? [yes] (she types yes)
- Great! Lord knows I love a good dream.
-
- <system comes down>
- backup..
- <system comes back up..enter SYLOGIN.COM>
-
- (audit messages about images coming up)
-
- Press [RETURN]:
-
- Let me fill you in on my dream! It was horrible!! I dreamt I was
- totally out-dated and I ran 4.3! And every night, after you all
- left, the Suns tormented me through the window! They're real
- bitches, those Suns! One even threw a Mip at me!
- I was so SCARED...God I'm glad you're back!
-
- Welcome to VAX/VMS 5.3-1.
-
- ----------------------------------------------------
-
- Instrument Flying for Animal Lovers:
-
- Having detailed the concept of attitude control, there is
- another method which you may prefer. For reasons that will become
- apparent, it is recommended for those pilots whose airplanes have
- large, easily cleaned cabins. Known as the "Cat and Duck Method" of
- instrument flight, it has received much publicity and is considered to
- have a great deal of merit by those who have not tried it. No reports
- have been received from those who did try it, and none are expected.
- Pilots are invited to assess its merits objectively.
- Basic rules for the C&D Method of instrument flight are fairly
- will known and are extremely simple. Here's how it's done:
- 1. Place a live cat on the cockpit floor; because a cat always
- remains upright. it can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely
- watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and
- if so, which one.
- 2. The duck is used for instrument approach and landing. Because
- of the fact that any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument
- conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane
- and follow it to the ground.
- There are some limitations to the Cat and Duck Method, but by
- rigidly adhering to the following checklist, a degree of success will
- be achieved which will surely startle you, your passengers, and even
- an occasional tower operator.
- 1. Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at
- all. It may be necessary to carry a large dog in the cockpit to keep
- the cat at attention.
- 2. Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their
- time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a
- tight snap roll followed by an inverted spin.
- 3. Use old cats only. Young cats have nine lives, but old,
- used-up cats with only one life left have just as much to lose as you
- do and will be more dependable.
- 4. Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are
- using the cat to stay upright, it will refuse to leave without the
- cat. Ducks are no better in IFR conditions than you are.
- 5. Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks
- sometimes fail to realize that they are on the guages and go flogging
- off in the nearest hill. Very nearsighted ducks will not realize that
- they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting
- position. This maneuver is difficult to follow in an airplane.
- 6. Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out
- and find yourself on final for a rice paddy, particularly if there are
- duck hunters around. Duck hunters suffer from temporary insanity
- while sitting in freezing weather in the blinds and will shoot at
- anything that flies.
- 7. Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with
- geese because many water birds look alike. While they are very
- competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same
- direction as you.
-
- ----------------------------------------------------
-
- GSP Digest #279
- September 16, 1990
-
- AND HOLD THE ANCHOVIES ON ALL 312
-
- Inmates at a prison in New South Wales, Australia, took advantage of a
- wardens' strike to break into an office and telephone an order for 18 tons
- of concrete to be delivered as a prank. While they were at it, they called
- out for 312 pizzas. (The concrete was sent back, but the prison had to pay
- for the pizzas.)
-
- THE CONTINUING CRISIS
-
- An annual festival at California Polytechnic State University, San Luis
- Obispo was called off in April after revelers got out of hand. At one
- point, police officers (who eventually arrested 100) quelled the partyers by
- shouting over bullhorns, "Assault on police officers will not look good on
- your resumes!"
-
- NON-STOP GRIDLOCK
-
- Greg Weiler resigned in April after five years on a citizens advisory
- committee to the Orange County Transportation Commission studying traffic
- problems, saying he was constantly unable to get to meetings on time because
- of freeway gridlock.
-
- Carl Williams, 22, was indicted in Cleveland in December for having made 32
- phone calls to 911 because he was bored and needed conversation. His mother
- had had their telephone service fixed so Carl could no longer dial 900
- numbers for conversation because he had been running up huge bills.
-
- Ralph Armstrong, a retired firefighter in Santa Rosa, complaining a
- construction company had reneged on its promise to build a noise shield
- between its site and his home, erected his own shield in January - a solid
- wall made of horse manure.
-
- September 23, 1990
-
- Secretary of State James Baker, on the July accord between Helmut Kohl and
- Mikhail Gorbachev that would allow a united Germany to choose whether or not
- to join NATO: "This is a delightful surprise to the extent that it is a
- surprise, and it is only a surprise to the extent that we anticipated."
-
- NASA spokesman Bob McMillan, commenting on the photographic success of the
- Galileo spacecraft in February: "No problems. Everything has gone
- tickety-boo."
-
- The sister of the Japanese soldier who resurfaced last year in Malaysia,
- where he had been hiding since World War II: "I did not hear from him for
- nearly 50 years, so of course I was worried."
-
- Hernando, Fla., Circuit Judge Richard Tombrink, barring reporters and the
- public from a January meeting with three county administrators on recent jail
- escapes: "If you want a free and open discussion, you can't allow the public
- or the press in."
-
- ----------------------------------------------------
-
- from the now defunct Salt Lake City Operation of Hewlett-Packard:
-
- A Few Lesser Known Famous Quotes:
-
- "Learned more from a three minute bug fix than we ever did in school."
- Bruce Sprinsteen
-
- "Four score and seven (hundred) bugs ago, our fore-fathers brought forth
- a new application."
- from The Gettysbug Address
-
- "If we can't fix it, it isn't broken."
- Lab manager
-
- I think therefore I create bugs."
- Descartes
-
- "Debug is human, de-fix divine."
-
- "There's a bug born every minute, and two to replace him."
- P. T. Bugem
-
- Final message received from the Titanic: "Fatal crash due to icebug."
-
- "One small bug for man, one great program for mankind."
- N. Armstrong
-
- "The bug is mightier than the fix."
- Cyrano deBuggerac
-
- "Man does not live by bug fixes alone."
- The Super-User
-
- "For every bug fixed, there is a bigger bug not yet discovered."
-
- "I have just begun to debug."
-