NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #27/NN_1992_27.iso/spool/rec/humor/33940

Internet Message Format | 1992-11-17 | 16.9 KB

Path: sparky!uunet!wupost!usc!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!pitt.edu!pitt!cuphub.cup.edu!arr9734
From: [e-mail]
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: LIFE2
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 16 Nov 92 14:04:27 GMT
Organization: California University of Pennsylvania, California, PA
Lines: 383






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There are two rules for success in life:

Rule 1:  Don't tell people everything you know.



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    "Don't feel bad because you live in Cleveland. You know, all over the
world, in all countries, it is the same. Every country has a city to make fun
of. In United States, it is Cleveland. In Soviet Union, it is Cleveland."

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From Carl Sukkot:

     Why is Poland just like the United States?
     In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever you
want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
And the american word for edible flesh is the same in bothe countries:
Meat in Us corresponds to Myth in polish (in the sence that it's something you
have heard about but never see ib real life)

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By the way, a related gem is the radio commercial in which some lady
takes her car to a dishonest mechanic, who explains that she needs to
have her "Fahrvergnator" replaced.

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When leaving the Soviet Union, emmigrants must go through a very extensive
search of all of their belongings.  What is or is not allowed depends on the
inspector's mood, and can vary from foreign rugs to make up, to foods
that require cooking, such as rice (I am not kidding here).
  Some things are of course not allowed to
be taken along, no matter how nice or easy to bribe the inspector is.
One is absolutely not allowed to take money over some almost nonexistant
amount,  or jewlery beyong a few items. That of course does not mean that
people do not try to smuggle things.
  The customs check involves a strip search, and the inspector is
free to dig through all of one's baggage.  So one man tried to smuggle out
diamonds by hiding them in the heels of his shoes.  Then,  at the last
minute, he got scared, (people have been denied permission to leave for
hiding things, and anything which is found is confiscated and kept by the
inspector or the state), and switched shoes with his brother,
who was staying behind,
and had come along to say goodbye.  The inspector turned out to be a really
tough one, and cut up the man's shoes, looking for hidden money/jewlery/etc.
Well, now the guy has no shoes, and can't very well travel all the way
to Austria (first stop outside USSR) without shoes. So he asks his
brother to give him "his" shoes .... the ones with the diamonds.
 The man, and the shoes, and the diamonds, are now safely in the U.S.

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In a similar vein, my uncle, a sailor told me this supposedly true story.
The standard procedure, after spending the shore leave in a foreign port,
for getting back to the ship before sail time was to show the cab driver
a note which has the transcript of the most prominent sign around the pier.
So these sailors were in Hamburg and the cab driver nodded knowingly when
he saw the note. However very soon he stopped the car in a place nowhere
near the shore. When asked by the puzzled looks, he pointed to a small
sign that has the same word on it as the note:"Herrentoilette".

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A friend of mine claims to have observed the following incident at the
US-Canada border:

A couple of US tourists come to the border, and speaking very slowly and
distinctly (but with a strong southern accent), the husband asks "Do you
speak English?"

The border guard replies, "How nice of you to learn our language before
visiting our country."

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In the wake of the recent court victory by Lotus over concerning
copyright infringement, Microsoft Inc. announced today that they are
suing Lotus for infringing on their lawsuit copyrights.  "We have
examined the text of the Lotus lawsuits and have determined that they
violate our copyright on look-and-feel lawsuits," a spokesman for
Microsoft said.  "A lot of effort was spent developing the concept of
look-and-feel lawsuits and Lotus is capitalizing on our work."  At the
same time, Microsoft filed for a patent on look-and-feel lawsuits.

A federal judge granted a preliminary injuction against Lotus,
preventing them from pursuing further lawsuits on the basis of copyright
infringement until formal briefs could be filed by both sides.  Borland
stock jumped 1 5/8 on the news.

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In a suprise move today, Judaism filed suit against the Catholic Church,
claiming Catholisism copied the "look and feel" of the religion.

Judaism, which has held the patent on the concept of a mono-theistic
religion for over 3500 years as well as the copyright on Yahweh(R), The
Old Testament(C), and the use of "CH"(tm) for the "H" sound, is suing for 2000
years of back royalties.  They are also asking that the court disallow
the use of the term "Judeo-Christian" from all textbooks.

The Pope was unavailable for comment, but a spokeman from the Vatican
stated the suit was unfounded as the patent on the concepts shared by
the two religions has long expired, and that the suit violates the
separation of church and state.  More news as the case develops.

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[ First, a little explanation:  Switzerland is divided into so-called
Kantons which are similar to -- but of course much smaller than -- your
concept of states.  One such "state" is the state of Appenzell whose
inhabitants have a reputation of both being of a small build and being
fairly witty.]

A farmer from Texas visits a farmer in Appenzell.  The Appenzell farmer,
playing the amiable host, shows the Texan around.  Upon seing the farm
house, the Texan exclaims:  "Gee, my farm house is much bigger.  Even my
dog's hut is larger than your farm house."  Of course, things go on like
that for a while, until the Texan farmer boasts:  "In fact, it takes me
two days to drive around the perimeter of all of my possessings."  The
Appenzell farmer sucks pensively on his pipe [they always do that] and
replies:  "Yeah, I know.  I used to own a car like that myself!"

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As told by Jack Berkery:

Many years ago, when I first bought a Commodore-64 for my kids, I got a game
which just drew nice things on the screen. You know the type, hit D for draw,
M for move, C to change the color and befor long you have a screen full of
geometric shapes, lines and colors. Not all that exciting for us perhaps, but
kids get a kick out of doing it.

Well, Tommy, my four year old, wanted to have a go at it, so I turned it on
and showed him some things he could do with it and went upstairs to take a
shower. 30 minutes later, I came back to see the screen full of some very
interesting designs. Circles, squares, triangles, all different colors, criss-
crossed with solid lines, dashed lines, lines of every type and color. Much of
it using options and functions I had never shown him and should have taken
several days to have mastered.

I was amazed to say the least. "Wow Tommy! That's great" I said, "Show me how
you did that." And he did. He took hold of the keyboard with both hands and
bashed his forehead into it several times.

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      Ride a Harley,
       Ride the best,
      Ride a mile,
       Walk the rest.

  Did you ever notice that all Harley owners also own pickups?

  The other day I went riding on my rice-burner.  My friend was on his
kraut-cycle.  We took a winding road, and in front of us was a pickup
truck with a Harley in the back.  We were taking the scenic route, stopping
to admire the view, etc, but the truck never left the route for the interstate.
Finally we realized that that is how you take your Harley out for a long
ride.

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Q:  How many gun-banners does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Let the police do it---private citizens can't be trusted
    with light bulbs.


Q:  How many constitutional amendments does it take to protect
    the right to change light bulbs?
A:  Make as many as you want, they'll just be ignored anyway.

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The highest obligation and privilege of citizenship is that of
    bearing arms--George Patton
I realize I am generalizing here.  But, as is often the case when I generalize,
    I don't care--Dave Barry
An optomist believes that this is the best of all possible worlds;
    a pessimist fears that this is the case.

The most certain test by which we judge whether a country is really free
    is the amount of security enjoyed by minorities.
I'm just glad we don't get all the government we pay for--Mark Twain
[On weightlifting:] Picking up something heavy and then putting it back down?
    That's not sport, that's indecision--Paula Poundstone

Able was I ere I saw Elba.
Name no one man.
Sit on a Potato Pan, Otis!
A man, a plan, a cat, a bag, a hen, one yen, one hag, a bat, a canal...Panama!

He was on a scaffold re-shingling the roof when his cousin pointed up
    and said 'Look! A Giant Helium Blimp!'  So he took a step back
    to get a better view--Garrison Keiller
What's the point in being grown-up if you can't be childish
    at times?--The Doctor

Laughter is the closest distance between two people--Victor Borge
Even though we're both talking English, we're not speaking
    the same language--Calvin and Hobbes
We must believe in free will.  We have no choice--Isaac Bashevis Singer
The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey
    their children--Duke of Windsor

A hundred billion is *not* infinite and it's getting less infinite
    all the time--Isaac Asimov
When a man assumes a public trust, he should consider himself as
    public property--Thomas Jefferson, 1807
I divide all readers into two classes: those who read to remember and
    those who read to forget--William Lyon Phelps

What does an actor want with a conscience anyway?--Jiminy Cricket
We must hang together, gentlemen.  Else, we shall most assuredly
    hang separately--Benjamin Franklin, 1776
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain--Jane Wagner
Those who would sacrifice liberty for security,
    deserve neither--Benjamin Franklin

The English certainly and fiercly pride themselves in never
    praising themselves--Wyndham Lewis
Hypochondria is the one disease I have not got.
All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye; the more light
    you pour on it, the more it will contract--Oliver Wendell Holmes

The physician can bury his mistakes, but the architect can only advise
    his client to plant vines--Frank Lloyd Wright
[A drama critic is] a man who leaves no turn unstoned--George Bernard Shaw
We may take pride in observing that there is not a single film showing
    in London today which deals with one of the burning issues of
    the day--Lord Tyrell, British film censors' chief, 1937

In the past, you've been a remarkably poor judge of what
    your Mom cares about--Hobbes
Liberty means responsibility.  That is why most men
    dread it--George Bernard Shaw
Men do not quit playing because they grow old; they grow old because
    they quit playing--Oliver Wendell Holmes

Have you ever stopped to think what life would be like without flowers?
    I mean, what would you send to dead people?  Grapes, maybe.
    Then there would be something to eat at a viewing--Dave Barry
Well-organized ignorance often passes, unfortunately, for wisdom.
Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel
    coast to coast without seeing anything--Charles Kuralt

20 years ago, with `The Selling of the President,' was the first time
    that people realized that President was packaged...like a bar
    of soap.  20 years later, people have gotten to the point where
    that analogy seems unfair to soap--Barbera Lippert
I'm the Descartes of anxiety.  I panic, therefore I am--Richard Lewis
A straight line may be the shortest way between two points but it is by
    no means the most interesting--The Doctor

Acceptance by government of a dissident press is a measure of
    the maturity of a nation--William O Douglas
A good neighbor doubles the value of a house--German proverb
There are two kinds of people who don't say much--those who are quiet
    and those who talk a lot.

A politician is someone who can make waves and then make you think
    he's the only person who can save the ship--Ivern Bell
One thing the discovery of the North Pole revealed is that there is
    nobody sitting on top of the world.
I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
    listen to it!--Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire

In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create
    the universe--Carl Sagan
In the force of Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
    the proper order then why can't he?

I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
    Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press
    Chevrolet trucks.  But to be brutally frank, women as a group
    have a long way to go before they reach the level of intensity
    and dedication to sports that enables men to be such incredible
    jerks about it--Dave Barry

Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
    and gypsy fortune tellers listen to weather forecasts
    and economists?--Kelvin Throop III
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six.  Mother took me
    to see him in a department store and he asked for
    my autograph--Shirley Temple

It has been said that man is a rational animal.  All my life I have been
    searching for evidence which could support this--Bertrand Russell
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
    incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is
    interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about
    toilet paper--Rod Serling

It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon.
    Which raises the fear that it may not be long before we're
    paying somebody not to--Franklin P Jones
It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
    warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of
    one or two things still safe to eat--Robert Fuoss

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it--Groucho Marx
I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
    anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child
    Prodigy is a child who knows as much when it is a child as it
    does when it grows up--Will Rogers

The Army has carried the American ideal to its logical conclusion.
    Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race,
    creed and color, but also on grounds of ability--Tom Lehrer
The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by
    his brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than
    there is Jews!".  Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and
    English teachers--Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter

The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
    Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter
    the facts to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable
    if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering--The Doctor
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
    working for you--Will Rodgers

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MURPHY'S_LAWS_OF_COMBAT:

  1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.

  2. Incoming fire has the right of way.

  3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.

  4. There is always a way.

  5. The easy way is always mined.

  6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

  7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

  8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:

       a. When you're ready for them.

       b. When you're not ready for them.

  9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.

 10. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.

 11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

 12. A "sucking chest wound" is natures way of telling you to slow down.

 13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

 14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.

 15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

 16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able
     to get out.

 17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

 18. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone.

 19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.

 20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.

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