NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #27/NN_1992_27.iso/spool/rec/humor/33882

Internet Message Format | 1992-11-15 | 9.6 KB

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From: [e-mail] (Daniel Bowen)
Subject: TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES #122
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Followup-To: rec.humor.d,aus.jokes.d
Summary: Blue red and grey Toxic Custard
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Organization: Monash University, Melb., Australia.
Date: Mon, 16 Nov 1992 04:23:06 GMT
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TCWFTCWFTCWFTCWFTCWFTCWFTCWFTCWFTCWFTCWFTCWFT     Number          16th of
CWFTCWFTCWFTCWFTCWFTCWFTCWFTCWFTCWFTCWFTCWFTC    ___   ___     November 1992
WFTCWFTCWFTCWFTCWFTCWFTCWFTCWFTCWFTCWFTCWFTCW |  ___|  ___|     Written  by
FTCWFTCWFTCWFTCWFTCWFTCWFTCWFTCWFTCWFTCWFTCWF.|.|___..|___.....Daniel Bowen....

HOW HYPERCOLOR(tm) WORKS

Hypercolor, the revolutionary colour metamorphosis system (well, so           A
*they* claim), is storming the world in terms of colour-changing              n
clothing. Before, you had to fuck up the laundry to change the colour         y
of your clothes - now it changes with temperature! Great! But how does        b
this little miracle work? Well, we've found out how, and now you're           o
about to too:                                                                 d
    Hypercolor clothing actually incorporates the skins of dead               y
lizards capable of camouflage. Specially bonded together with cotton,
the skins are affected by changes in body and environment temperature,        w
and have the added advantage of enabling the wearer to be almost              a
invisible when lying flat on a tree trunk.                                    n
    The espionage business has been quick to cotton on to the                 n
advantages of Hypercolor clothing, and are even now negotiating to            a
purchase large stocks of Hypercolor trench-coats, suits, hats, and all
those other things that spies mythically wear when trying to remain           b
inconspicuous during their spying activities. So if you see flickering        u
before your eyes, which you presume to be a disturbance in the                y
space/time continuum, it's not - it's some guy the CIA or ASIO or
whatever has sent to keep an eye on you, walking down the street, with        s
his clothes changing to whatever's behind him.                                o
    Of course, there are rumours that the bonding process used on the         m
lizard skins and cotton has caused cancer in the laboratory pets err          e
specimens that it has been tested on. Hypercolor underwear, in
particular, has been found to cause cancer of the testicle, causing at        c
least one gullible human specimen to have had to have his balls               h
amputated. Bummer, eh?                                                        e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -       a
                                                                              p
THIS WEEK'S HUMILIATING EXPERIENCE:
I bit my tongue, while eating a Freddo Frog. One or the other of my           B
bastard front teeth decided to draw blood; a bit like an introverted          u
Dracula. Bet you didn't know your tongue could bleed! So, how the hell        l
do you go about putting a band-aid on your tongue? I don't know, and          g
neither did the ambulance people.                                             a
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -       r
                                                                              i
THE AMAZING(ly boring) "MR POPSICLE RETURNS" Part 4, *not* featuring          a
the amazing Mr Popsicle and his buddy Inspector Unnecessary-Violence.         n

    The Ruthless gang, having now "requisitioned" all the money from          a
the armoured truck, are in the process of getting away from the scene         i
of the crime, before the police, or anyone else involved with the             r
forces of law and order decide to get all awkward and start asking
questions about the robbery that they would have great difficulty in          t
answering.                                                                    i
    The gang, now appearing in their third Popsicle episode, were             c
getting a little tired of being so casually referred to in the story,         k
and so were about to get formally introduced by name to the readers,          e
who would have to promise not to tell the cops (when they finally             t
arrived). After all, that would take all the mystery out of it.               s
    The two gang members who have recently piled the money into a big         ?
bag are Jeff and John, twin brothers. The guy who announced their
demands to the guards, who were in no position to refuse, is Alan. The        S
one who rigged the traffic lights in the first (or was it the second)         a
episode is called Tim. There's probably a few more, but we'll make up         f
their names as we go along. Okay? Okay. That's enough background              e
building stuff, now back to the story. And don't think that that              r
information will be of any use in guessing the ending, because all the
names are fake; named after Coalition politicians.                            t
    Many attempts had been made by the gang to obtain some sort of            h
transport for their escape. After much discussion during the planning         a
stages that I keep referring to, a list of criteria had been drawn up,        n
including: speed, manoeuvrability, lack of distinguishing features,
cool-looking-ness, the ability to enter the vehicle very fast (ie             s
preferably no doors), and the capacity to comfortably fit how ever many       t
gang members there were and a big bag of loot. The big gun would have         a
to go on the roof rack.                                                       n
    In the end, not even by checking out the "Getaway Cars Trading            d
Post", were they able to find, afford, beg, borrow or steal a suitable        i
vehicle, and so they eventually were forced to rely on their back-up          n
plan: bicycles.                                                               g
    Now, it must be said at this point that bicycles are not the ideal
mode of transport for this particular application. While they have            o
their advantages for leisurely Sunday afternoon rides along the river,        n
down to the beach, around the park and up to the shops, they keep the
rider fit, and are environmentally friendly, they are far from the best       a
all-time favourite vehicle for nine out of ten armed robbers surveyed
in a national poll. And for good reason. Which I don't need to spell          M
out here. And even if I do, I won't.                                          a
    Nevertheless, this particular gang, foolish as it may seem at both        l
first and second glance, had been forced into this option, if it is           i
indeed worthy of such an epitaph. So, over a period of a few days,            b
they'd stolen enough bicycles for the whole gang, ensuring that they          u
would be able to reach sufficient speed to escape the cops. Provided,
of course, each member was able to pedal fast enough. The use of stolen       b
bicycles was important, to prevent them being traced back to the gang         a
after they were dumped.                                                       l
    The gang of course obtained bicycle helmets too. State law required       c
them, after all. As Alan had postulated at the time, "we may be a             o
ruthless gang prepared to fight to the death, to murder innocent              n
bystanders and not so innocent guards to get the money, but I for one         y
am not prepared to ride from the scene without a helmet on."                  ,
    Tim was first onto his bike, but the others soon followed, speeding
from the scene down the sidestreets, through the park, and away. By the       a
time the first half a dozen police cars converged on the robbery scene,       n
they had already switched getaway bikes and were well over two miles          d
away, making a nonsense of the ridiculously small and disorganised
dragnet prepared to catch them.                                               a
                                                                              l
       *Be prepared to catch the next episode of Popsicle in your*            m
      *dragnet next week. (What sort of a pissy teaser was that??)*           o
     *Well, it matched this week's episode, didn't it? (...Oh yeah)*          s
                                                                              t
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That's about enough of Toxic Custard for                                      a
this week. If you'd like to read this                                         s
crap through email, why not get a
subscription! Reply to this message, or                                       l
send mail to [e-mail]                                              u
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                                      x
Copyright (C) 1992 Daniel Bowen                                               u
--                                                                            r
Daniel Bowen, Monash University |                                             i
Melbourne, Australia------------|   I wonder where they find the oddly        o
[e-mail]----|   shaped potatoes they use to make          u
TCWF stuff: [e-mail] |   Pringle's...                              s