NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #27/NN_1992_27.iso/spool/news/answers/4055

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From: [e-mail] (Saint Ool)
Newsgroups: news.answers,alt.tasteless
Subject: Welcome to alt.tasteless! (Monthly Posting)
Summary: The alt.tasteless FAQ
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 19 Nov 92 11:45:49 GMT
Expires: Wed, 30 Dec 1992 00:53:02 GMT
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Followup-To: alt.tasteless
Organization: Church of Divine Tastelessness
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Archive-name: tasteless-faq
[110 lines of intro (takes 2 min. to read -without laughing), 640 lines of info]

                     WELCOME TO ALT.TASTELESS

1. What is alt.tasteless?

A newsgroup devoted to tasteless phenomena in all its forms.
A place for people with a twisted and sick sense of humour.
In alt.tasteless we like to get into the details: short jokes have their forum
in alt.tasteless.jokes, we want the feel of it, the smell of it, the stench of
it, every little rotten and pus-oozing detail. And then of course some rough
gifs of it in alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless.
Some examples of popular alt.tasteless posts:

The joys of raping epeleptics / the dead / pregnants / minors / small furry
animals with big wet eyes.

'The worst (scrotal/nasal/rectal) operation I've ever had'.

The joys of vomiting / farting / pissing / shitting / picking your nose /
masturbating / menses / giving birth to children / sweating / slobbering.

Tasteless sex acts.

  But tastes differ even within the tasteless kingdom. Some like a story of
a little boy sitting on the throne shouting 'Me go plop-plop! Me go plop-plop!'
whereas others favour the weeping spastic on the toilet, desperately struggling
not to miss the bowl screaming 'Me go plop-plop!  Me go plop-plop!'. The first
is a simple example of pleasure in taking a dump (which is per definition
tasteless -not to say forbidden: things you shouldn't talk about coming out a
hole you shouldn't talk about making a sound you should discuss in every
detail..er, sorry making a sound you shouldn't talk about). The second example
brings more sophistication and delicacy into the sordid affair, and is thus
labelled as being more 'mature', the name of the label apparently chosen because
innocent children (or innocent adults, for that matter) will not find it funny,
except perhaps the 'plop-plop!' bit. This difference in taste was debated a
while ago and ended thus:

**
A person asks:
>I'm confused. Could someone explain the concept of intelligent,
>mature tastelessness.

tpehrson answers:
original, non-monotonous material, either based on fact or vividly graphic
or repulsive image provking, command of spelling and grammar to the level
of comprehensible.

examples of !(not)tastelessness:  boring fiction, recycled fraternity jokes,
excessive pointless profanity, vanilla sex, elementary playground 'eww gross'
urban legends, license plates, funny names, john young, flaming w/o abhorrent
metaphors and/or insults to mother's sexual integrity.

of course i'm no authority on the matter, but at least i'm not a festering
bag of puss; the result of copulation between my mother and a handful of
earthworms.
**
  Additionally, please note that this is not alt.tacky or alt.bad.taste. This
means that merely saying 'Bee Gees, ha ha ha' is not enough, you will generally
have to couple it with something really tasteless to make other people laugh.
And yes, we have heard zillions of puke and huge bowel movement stories. But
don't let that keep you from posting one, much rather this should raise your
ambitions and thus the quality of your story.

  Then having sussed out that your post is too interesting, intelligent, sick,
twisted and funny to be wasted in alt.tasteless.jokes, rec.humor, alt.evil,
sci.med, alt.stupidity, alt.sex.bestiality, alt.urban.legend, soc.college and so
on, you choose alt.tasteless and post. The group is unmoderated and the subject
line of your article will be seen by approx. 37000 people worldwide. WOW!
What will happen next?

1. Some will ignore it.
2. Some will read part of it, then skip to the next article.
3. Some will read the whole thing.
4. Maybe one or more person(s) will reply to you telling you what they thought
   of the article. They might even follow it up if they have something to add.

This is sadly the ideal picture. People will follow-up even though they have
nothing to add, although you have to suffer from a severe case of tasteless
talent and luck to ever experience case 4. Some very good tasteless posts have
generated absolutely no response, or in other words the same response as you'd
get if you wrote it on a piece of paper only to flush it out the toilet. Then
why post?
Because you fucking feel like it!

   Every now and then a dickless weasel constipated on his own religion or set
of values will bother the noble freethinkers in a.t. with his standard 'This is
not funny' drivel. Best thing is to ignore him, next to mailing him with the
likewise standard reply 'Then why do you read it?'. A follow-up is not a good
solution here, unless you choose to flame him to ashes in such an inspired way
that the readers of alt.tasteless also benefits (hint hint). You are then
strongly encouraged to set the follow-up tag to 'Follow-up To: alt.flame'. This
formal information may make alt.tasteless seem like a terribly boring place, but
all the stuff that has been recommended (not commanded!) thus far has been
recommended in order to make the newsgroup (believe it or not) more chaotic, and
not a boring newsgroup with 3 month cycles.

    It's our hope that you'll now feel WELCOME IN ALT.TASTELESS!

The rest of this document is dedicated to your education and amusement, but if
you wish to perform chapter skipping/browsing, tell your editor search for the
character '|', and it'll take you to the next chapter. In the nn newsreader
this can be done by pressing '/', '|' and '[ENTER]'.
The items on the menu are:
O  A boring dictionary.
O  An informative encyclopedia.
O  An amusing 'Answers to Frequently Asked Questions' part.
O  A terribly unjust and flawed 'Who's Who?' section.
O  A mailorder service.
O  Some not all that amusing but still worthwhile information.

THE ALT.TASTELESS PHRASE BOOK/DICTIONARY.

       This attempt is in no way complete, and aimed at people generally new to
the net. -And additionally not the least alfabetic:

AKA: Also known as
ASAP: As soon as possible
BTW: By the way
CASCADE: Netnews' public chain letter. Add a line and feel proud.
RTFM: Read the fucking manual. In alt.tasteless this will almost always be the
      alt.tasteless Kama Sutra (See Mailorder).
SO: Significant other, will generally mean your loved one.
FTP: File Transfer Protocol. The program that makes it possible for you to get
     stuff stored at other sites, be it printerdrivers or Debbie Gibson gif's.
     News.answers has a monthly posting about FTP'ing. Or type "ftp", then "?".
ARCHIE: A database. News.answers is, as usual, helpful with a monthly posting.
        Another way to find out more is to mail [e-mail] with the
        Subject: 'help'.
WRT: With reference to
IMHO: In my hog-fucking opinion.
SIC: 'Yes, though hard to believe, this is, in fact, an exact quote'.
GIF: Graphic Interchange Format. A picture format common on the net.
     news.answers has an informational posting on the alt.binaries.pictures
     groups where all is explained.
IRC: Inter Relay Conference, a program that lets you 'talk' to other users. Your
     site might have it, type 'irc' and see what happens. You will might stumble
     into tasteless discussions. The 1st global alt.tasteless IRC party lasted
     for around 6 hours with a total of 67 participants.
FELCHING: Sucking your own cum out of someones arsehole with a straw.
KILL FILE: A feature in most newsreaders. If you put a person in your kill file,
           your newsreader will ignore articles by that person. Read the man
           pages of your newsreader to find out how it works, or ask locally.
           After the introduction of kill files there's absolutely no excuse
           for wasting other peoples time with sour 4-line follow-ups.
QUEEF: Pussy fart, vart, fanny fart.
BEARS:  Person, usually male, whose physical characteristics tend toward the
        husky and hirsute.
TWINK(IE): Generally, a cute young (male) thing (CYT). Known as "golden,
           cream-filled, and ready to be eaten."  (Etymology:  In the US,
           Twinkies(tm) are snack cakes with these same properties.)
AMPALLANG: Piercing of the glans of the penis (the head). Runs horizontally
           above the urethra and has origins in Borneo.
APADRAVYA: Vertical piercing through the glans, or sometimes through the shaft
           of the penis just behind the glans. Mentioned in the original Kama
           Sutra.
SQUICKING: See this post or 'Tasteless sex acts'.
DYDOE: Piercing through the ridge of the glans, usually done on the side of the
       head and often in pairs. This piercing was originally done by Jewish men
       who wished to enhance their sexual pleasure (which they thought had been
       diminished by circumcision).
FECO-STALAGMITE: Euphemism denoting the majestic molehill of shit found nesting
                 in the bowl of clogged toilets.
VOMIT-STALACTITE: aka Stalactovomite, the result of puking on the cieling.
FRENUM: Piercing through the skin of the penis, on the underside just behind the
        glans. Often a large ring that circles the penis under the ridge of the
        glans is worn through this piercing. This provides stimulation to both
        partners during intercourse and acts much like a cock ring.
PRINCE AlBERT: Piercing that consists of a ring which goes through the urethra
               and out behind the glans.
GUICHE: Piercing of the web of flesh that runs between the anus and the scrotum.
        A weight is often suspended from a guiche.
HAGGIS: Scottish delicacy made by filling a sheeps paunch with grinded
        intestines, barley and a shot of scotch.
NAMBLA: North American Man Boy Love Association.
MOTSS: Member of the same sex.
REAMING: Getting fucked vigorously up the colon.
RIMMING: Sphinchter licking.
HAFADA: Piercing on the side of the scrotal sac originally done by Arab boys
        as a rite of passage.
QUEEN KRISTINA: Piercing of the clitoris hood.
KAKA SUTRA: Affectionate name for 'The Canonical List of Tasteless Sex Acts'.


| ENCYCLOPEDIA HORRIBLIUS

ASSWIPING
Most male alt.tastelessers wipe back to front. All look at the paper after the
wipe and some taste it and kiss it.

DOGS
Are frequently rather tasteless. Apart from eating the fecal matter of almost
any other mammal, they are also pretty keen on tampons, condoms and socks.
It might be a profound wish for another tail that makes the dogs eat these
objects that'll inevitable end up hanging out their puss oozing and mite ridden
asses. They're also familar with shitting and vomiting in the living room. the
life of a canine is one long party.

SMEGMA
A cheesy, sebaceous secretion that forms between the foreskin and the glans of
the penis of male mammals. Having smelt it few have the nerve to coat their
tongue with it or swallow it. A shame really as this homegrown product easily
outcompetes the flavours of all the cheeses made from milk (except the cheese
made from dingo's milk).

SQUICKING (see also 'Tasteless Sex Acts')
The pratice one takes up when skull fucking becomes tedious.
Skull fucking is the easiest of the two acts, as you only have to remove your
partners eye to get somewhere to stick your thingy. A proper squicking requires
you to trephine your partner (make a hole in your partners skull) and pork its
brain this way. Aiming for the gap between the two hemispheres is said to
provide you with firestorming orgasms. Geoff Miller comments: I posted that a
year ago, and I *made it up!* I just figured that was the only activity that
would make a "squicking" noise, with the possible exception of slipping the
salami to a sucking chest wound. Mr. Miller himself prefers the basic squicking
where the hole is located at the top of the head. Caza (a french comic artist)
has this description accompaining a picture of prime squicking: 'The wound that
never heals, the scar after the sacrificial act gaped rosy red and soft, shining
and new...infinitely virginal ... Having bathed a whole world in blood,
commander Aries defiled Lailahs brow with his spunk'. The name of the comic is
'Lailah' and it also has a good story about a man getting raped by a frog/woman.
If you like Corben, this might be a comic for you. Scott M Hampton has also
mentioned 'Woulffes Guide To Practical Squicking' as a fine introduction to
squicking. It goes like this:

Tools: A hammer and chisel, a quarter round wood rasp, a hand drill with
at least a 3/8" metal cutting bit (not a spade drill, damn it), and a ink pen.

Supplies: A partner, and suitable restraints. You may want some rags.

Preperation: Tie partner (victim, partner, the difference is a subtle thing
best left to linguists with free time. There's fun to be had now.) securely.
Make certain the forehead is available and clean. Make a horizontal line
about 2" above the eyebrows. Mark the center of the line between your
partners eyebrows. Assemble tools, placing drill bit securely in chuck. Plug
drill in. Get a beer, prepare yourself mentally. This is going to be great!

Proceedure: Drill hole thru skull at mark on forehead. Using chisel and
hammer, open the hole up to about 1/4" larger than your ManTool (TM Geoff).
Then, use the rasp to knock off the rough spots -- no sense getting any
scratches or scrapes on the ol Piston of Love. At this point you can pause and
remove the restraints on your partner 'cause they aren't moving much by now.
Position your partner for maximum comfort and pleasure -- no, you idiot --
YOUR pleasure. Harumph.

Now, slide your engorged PleasureSnake slowly between your partners frontal
hemispheres. The involuntary twitches this produces are one of the most
pleasant sensations known to man. Real men, that is. If you were a neatness
weinie and wiped up all the external blood, it may take a while for the
internal bleeding to make the ride smooth, but otherwise there is plenty
of lube for the job right at hand. Pump hearty, you are in for the orgasm
of a lifetime!

Clean up: Dispose of partner in an environmentally sound way, such as roast
and stew meat. Happy eating!

The variations are of course endless. The guru in this field is Geoff Miller
([e-mail]). But please do only contact him in expert
matters concerning squicking, as he cannot spend time learning newbies vanilla
squicking.

Squick is also used as a synonyme for 'being pushed beyond ones limits'
in alt.sex.bondage. Therefore you'll sometimes experience people using the word
'Squick' in posts completely devoid of any skull-fucking related activity
(i.e.: 'That article really squicked me' or 'He squicked my arsehole')

THE STOOL GAME
(From 'Tasteless Sex Acts')
[e-mail]:
                        THE STOOL GAME
                        official rules
Two men sit in front of each other in a bathtub wanking. When the spunk/
water amount is 50:50, you start playing. Both put their feet on the sides
of the bathtub, and try to push their stool as far out as they can,
without losing it. It's extremely funny pushing it far out, then pulling it
in again, and many expierience a wonderful orgasm during this play.
The winner is the man that can push the stool the most far out, and then
still be able to retract it.

One suggested variation is to trade a stool back and forth, the loser being the
one to "drop" the stool. Many fights have started over this.

URINE
Can just as shit be percieved by all 5 senses and the special 6th bodily fluid
sense that the old time alt.tastelesser unavoidably develops, so I will not go
into detail with the rancid bladdersplash itself. Rather the info will concern
its sterility; can we safely drink it? Yes, we can.
    How ones body responds to this refreshment depends on a number of things,
the most important being the concentration of waste products in this wine for
gods. If you drink someones urine after they've had a sixpack, your kidneys
will not be overworked with the extra waste products, but it may not then have
the desired taste/smell/consistency. To help your kidneys you should always
drink a lot of water after your pee games. You could for example follow the
piss quaffing up with the drowning games (I for one, always tend to drink a lot
of water during these).
   The berserkers (rough translation:  The Bear Vests) were a happy tribe of
vikings in Denmark around year 800 that had a habit of going berserk. My
history book informs me that they used the alkaloid amanitin found in the
mushroom Amanita. The trick was to boil the mushroom, let the strongest warrior
drink the stuff, and have the other drink his piss. After this they went
berserk. They were feared and admired, but never exported this strange habit to
other tribes.
      The most famous peedrinker was good ol' Mahatma Gandhi. His mornings
would start with him emptying his pottie in a good swig, allegedly for 'The
health of the spirit'. The scientific explanation is that urine, and morning
urine in particular, contains high amounts of melatonine, which is a hormone
produced by the epiphyse during the night. Apart from having a soothing and
painkilling effect melatonine also cheats the body into believing that it has
slept more than it actually has. This manifests itself as a feeling of
well-being and refreshment. The piss of sexually immature children contains
more melatonine than adult piss, which explains the exhilaration one feels when
lapping up infant piss. I have for one always been sure that the happiness
wasn't just psychological. So Maybe you should spend more time as I: lurking
in the bushes near the playground forcing the kids to piss in my smurf beer
mug. You'll feel much better and much more equanimous. Cheers.
   Oh, and while we're at it. Don't eat asparagus before drinking your pee.
Asparagus has an amino acid in it that makes your yellow drops smell horribly,
as well as changing the taste. And don't drink piss from a person with a
contagious disease unless you really want it. Speaking of that, Mitch Davis
([e-mail]) is the current piss adviser of alt.tasteless. Ask
him anything wee wee related you like, he'll be happy to help you.

VEGEMITE
    -can be bought in some health stores and isn't really the canned stool
sample that rumour claim it is. Here are some first hand experiences with the
edible caca:  "I too have had vegemite. I found a stock in a "health food"
store. US$ 2.69 for a 4 ounce (113 gram) jar. "5 calories per serving". It
has an odd, purply-brown color, and a smooth, thick, sticky texture. The
"axle-grease" association is accurate. It does indeed have quite a strong
salty, yeasty flavor, and you had better spread it on _very_ thinly. I think it
looks like a substance from my native land called "catfish dough bait", only
said bait is a bit grainier, not as creamy. Catfish dough bait has a thick,
liverish, bloody odor to it, and appeared to be a compound of mud, blood and
pureed liver. On a hot day, opening the tub of dough bait and inhaling deeply
could give you vertigo and motion sickness. I find it hard to believe that
"marmite" has a stronger, more vicious taste than vegemite. "Vegemite" has a
pretty vicious aftertaste, and because of the yeast extract, it tends to come
back to you later, in belches. It's also one of those foods with such a
peculiar taste that no matter what you eat after- wards, vegemite is the taste
that sticks with you."

"It is very strong, try a little, then impress your friends with what looks
like eating slabs of bread wiped in black excrement."

  "Well, as a New Zealander, I can truthfully say that Marmite is the
only real yeast extract worth eating. Vegemite is for wimps, while
Marmite is for real men. It has a much stronger, more vicious
aftertaste than Vegemite."

  "It was the grossest thing I ever tasted. It's
about as thick as peanut butter, and to say it tastes like shit would
be an understatement."

INGREDIENTS:
Yeast extract (comes from the grunge that is left over after the beer brewing
process), sea salt, potassium chloride, malt extract, caramel color,
natural flavor, niacin, thiamine hydorchloride, riboflavin.

Serving size: 3.25 gram
Servings per container: 35  (big lie: I ate about a third of the container,
and it was well over 100 servings)
Cheese and vegemite sandwiches are so common in Australia that the manufacturer
(Kraft) now sells premixed cheese&vegemite slices (they are a greyish colour,
and very nice between buttered white bread, possibly with some lettuce)

ObTrivia:  Vegemite was invented after Marmite, and for a short time
was called Parwill (get the pun? Mar mite, Par will. Ho ho!).
"Vegemite" was the result of a renaming contest in the 30s(?).
Let it also be known that Vegemite is available in 99% of Australian
shops that stock spreads. IE, if the shop has jam, honey or peanut
butter, then it almost certainly has vegemite as well.

YEAST
Is not that interesting in itself. But vaginal yeast infections are a riot.
The infection occurs when the usual healthy balance between the yeast and the
bacteria in the vagina disappears. Taking antibiotics can alter this balance.
The treatment is to gulp down Lactobacillus acidophillus (yogurt culture) and
shove it up your cunt. The idea of 'tank war' (a fine stripper act) might have
started when a group of yeast infected women could think of nothing better than
to walk like crabs, and using their vaginal muscles, shoot the yogurt at each
other.


|ANSWERS TO FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS/USEFUL INFORMATION:

 1. My .uk site doesn't carry alt.tasteless, what can I do about it?

There are several reasons why you might be unable to read
alt.tasteless at a .uk site. The site may impose local censorship
(likely at academic(!) sites) or you may be receiving your news via UUCP
or other store and forward network which has been censored at an
upstream site.
  To get alt.tasteless at an Internet or JANET site, try grovelling at
the feet of your news admin. When that fails, your best bet is to
find someone whose feed is uncensored and arrange a mail feed. This
may be in violation of local regulations so beware. I disclaim all
responsibility if this gets you into trouble.
  The majority of the rest of users will be receiving news via UUCP.
Most likely, the reason a.t is not getting through is due to
censorship at the UK's main backbone site, uknet (formerly ukc) at
the University of Kent, Canterbury. Recently, however, another route
into the country has been provided by Pipex. It has the advantages of
being uncensored and cheaper. The lower rates will probably appeal to
the local powers that be and so you might have more luck arranging
for a feed via Pipex. If they are unmoved, try going for a mail feed,
bearing in mind the above caveats.
  Posting to a.t can sometimes be acheived by mailing the message to
[e-mail]. This is unreliable, however;
postings made to alt groups sometmies disappear without trace. I
would welcome information on less temperamental sites.


   2. Is there an alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless archive site?

      No! You can't get nasty gifs via ftp. No site will store them. But sick
individuals will, so your best chance is to get friendly with such a person (and
alt.tasteless is just the right place) and have him send you pictures of
fecallatio, genital surgery, coy children, whatever. Another possibility is to
join the [what the fuck is the name] mailing list, where nasty gifs abound.
You get on the list by sending mail to [what the fuck is the name@somewhere in
norway, if I'm not mistaken] with the header 'Subscribe, dammit'.


  27. Aren't you all a bunch of 15 year old wankers?

      A recent survey fixed the average a.t subscribers age at 27 years.
The critique of the group can easily be divided into two categories, and for
your benefit I have included both the critique and the resulting discussions:

                          The offended
                               1.
A: I'm offended by a.t in general / some specific article.
Brief: Yes...? / And...? / So what? / Buzz off, cunt!
Nice: It's your god-given right to be offended. Be as offend as you wish. And if
you have something to say within the charter of this newsgroup, don't hesitate
to post.
Practical: In nn, press 'n' to exit an article and 'U' to unsubscribe. Goodbye.
Eager: The why did you read all the way through 'Genital Warts'? Maybe you like
it and just won't admit it? Maybe bla. bla. bla.
                               2.
A: Don't post such stuff!
Brief: Why?
Nice: Hey, the net is brimming with nice, warm fluffy newsgroups. Don't waste
your time in this one.
Practical: Don't read such stuff!
Eager: Well, we like to...unlike you, a [lots of abuse, the fuel of beaten-to-
death-discussions]
                               3.
A: Why? Because I'm offended [Start all over again]
   Why? Because: [Pulls his personal value-moral package out of his hat]
Brief: Ha ha ha, what a small and pathetic thing.
Nice: Well, the package might work for you, but do not assume that you can
convince the a.t subscribers that it's the right one for them.

                             Behave!
                               1.
A: This group is only of value to infantile youngsters.
Brief: Yes. / No, I'm not an infantile youngster, and I like it.
Nice: Hardly boys, we're 27...
Practical: IF infantile youngster THEN subscribe. Welcome.
           IF NOT infantile youngster THEN unsubscribe. Goodbye.
Eager: Is that why you read it? Your type bla. bla. bla., so maybe you bla and
bla and blah.

I have never seen any of the discussions run further than this. The Offended
will most probably end in abuse, and Behave! will never get anywhere. The two
critique-makers will never get to promoting their own value-moral package.
So, what is your aim in these discussions?
If you are the person beating on a.t and its readers your aim is to get as many
Eager follow-ups as possible. Then you'll have a lot to follow-up to yourself,
and you will know that a number of people used some of their time responding to
something you have written.
If you are an a.t defender you have an easy oppurtunity to show the group what a
brave and cool dude you are. If you do so, please think of your audience.
If you are a reader, you know that nothing new will show up in the discussion,
your only hope being that the abuse will start early on and be very well-written
and graphic. The thumb rule in these discussions is: Don't think that you add
anything new,  just make sure not to waste anybodys time completely.


   9. What is the gerbil-and-meat grinder story?

      An alt.tasteless classic by Derrick Williams written around the 6th of May
1990. The story is mainly about two funseekers getting rid of gerbils in amusing
ways. (see mailorder)


   11. Is there an alt.tasteless purity test?

       Paul Spinrad ([e-mail]) once wrote a 'Bodily Functions Survey'
with questions covering nasal hygiene, vomiting, urination, defecation and
flatus expulsion. Send email with the header 'Rotten cunt spew' to [e-mail].


 5302. What is this shit eating picture, that everybody keeps referring to?

       Probably hb2a.gif or hb6.gif, the most common names for two pictures of a
woman pinching a loaf into the mouth of a man. It's sort of an alt.tasteless
idol, and it appears under many names. Personally I've glued the two together
and called it crap.gif. But they're quite good, actually.


   31. I have now read the a.t Kaka Sutra...Is there any way I can recognize
       fellow mainliners or teabaggers?

       Well, one is tempted to say that you will know the mainliners by their
brownish lipstick, but I take it that you thinking of a 'hanky code' of some
sort. To recap the North American Hanky Code: It requires two back pockets and a
coloured hanky. Putting the handkerchief in the left pocket indicates that you
want to be the active part, the right pocket that you want to be the recieving
part. The colour of the hanky then indicates the preferred activity: Red is anal
fisting, grey is bondage, black is heavy SM (whipping, burning etc.).
The hanky code is known among North American homosexuals and SM affectionados,
and I have regrettably no list of all the colours. There isn't really a similar
a.t code, but just recently I have started to have a teabag dangling out my left
backpocket, and maybe this will catch on. Perhaps the next edition of the Kaka
Sutra will include 'the secret signs'.


|WHO'S WHO?

You tell me. All I know is that

Bob von Buelow ([e-mail]) writes with a style that often has a
low filth-to-signal ratio, in itself tasteless in this newsgroup, about the
vicissitudes (2.b.) of life. 1992 was his rookie (tm) year in a.t. He wrote this,
of course.

Tim Clinkenpeel ([e-mail]) is seldom seen these days, but
is along with his co-worker Pete Ashdown ([e-mail])
responsible for some of the more interesting a.t articles.

Mitch Davis ([e-mail]) aka GrossMaster is drinking pee out
of a sexual context ...and provides us with useful info every now and then.

Bruce Ediger ([e-mail]) is a purveyor of the occasional very
pleasing article, and the trusted keeper of 'The Canonical List of Tasteless Sex
Acts'. The Vatsyayana of alt.tasteless, and a very good kisser. Not in any way
related to Andy Watson ([e-mail]), the seldom poster of odd articles.

Wes Ellison ([e-mail]) is an esteemed member of the
a.t community. Oh no, bloody hell he isn't he's just another cunt that deserves
to get his stinking little face kicked in and dragged out and get beaten to
death and pissed on by bikers and crapped on by whores who's eaten asparagus.

Crunchy Frog ([e-mail]), the writer of the a.t theme song and
various other stuff. Not to be confused with The Mad Stork, unless you really
want to.

Jenny Gutbezahl ([e-mail]). The woman with a name one
immediately associates with a german whore is the provider of a refreshing look
on things in a maledominated newsgroup. Every a.t wankers dream of a spouse.

Joni Johnson ([e-mail]) tells us that It IS as bad as it seems and
they ARE out to get you. Seeing her posts, one is inclined to agree. Mrs.
alt.tasteless 91. Female.

Vinnie Jordan/One Sick individual ([e-mail]) is a "Sick, twisted fuck"
and frequently proves this with his posts. And the fact that he has done time
and eats mushrooms makes it all the better.

Rauli Lauhanen ([e-mail]) submitted some very funny material to
alt.tasteless during 1991. Lost his account 3 times due to nasty posts in a.t,
soc.motts and talk.rape. Female.

Laura Lemay ([e-mail]) is not that interesting. She has a nose piercing
and posts to alt.tasteless every now and then. Female.

Sean Mcafee ([e-mail]) is also an a.t bourgeois gentilhomme. That's
french for a pig. Delightful reading. Especially the Big Shit stories are
moving.

Geoff Miller ([e-mail]). It's a bad day in alt.tasteless
when Geoff doesn't come by after work with a tasteless piece of humour.
Mr. Alt.Tasteless (fact) 1991.

Jeroen Moelands ([e-mail]). The dutch analsadist usually has a monthly
story to us, most probably about his german shephard or girlfriend.

Oded Feingold (email adress withheld on request) is a vehement animal lover
that sometimes pops in with useful information in a.t or alt.sex.best.

Eric A. Schwartz ([e-mail]) is a professional when it comes to
the more technical sides of tastelessness and bestiality, and his opinions are
always appreciated. And his cynicism.

Steven Snedker ([e-mail]). Can't tell the difference between fiction and
what's just made up. His posts reflect that whether they're meant for a.t or
alt.sex.best. He might have a personality disorder. Mr. Alt.Tasteless (fiction)
Anno Domini 1991.

Curtis Yarvin ([e-mail]), John Dawson ([e-mail]) and
Matthew Somers ([e-mail]). The Big Shit Triplets of a.t.

|THE MAILORDER LIST

   As it is now The Church of Divine Tastelessness can offer the following
standard tastelesss files:

RECYCLED JOKES FILE: alt.tasteless.jokes is now taking care of all the short
jokes (QAs, mommy mommys, dead babies). Ask them.
FREQUENTLY REQUESTED STORIES: The gerbil-and-meat grinder story, Scrotum Self
Repair.
THE ALT.TASTELESS THEME SONG: A joint effort by some of the a.t writers
KAMA SUTRA -Tasteless Sex Acts
(all four -no three- available by mail from [e-mail])

|OTHER DOCUMENTS WORTH A LOOK:
(all to be found in news.answers as monthly postings...perhaps)

Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,news.answers
Subject: Welcome to talk.bizarre!  (Monthly Posting)
Summary:
    o Before posting, read the group for a couple of months. Get to
      know who is posting and what kind of things are considered funny.

    o Ask yourself why you want to post. Is it to impress us all with
      what a red-hot, hip individual you are?  If so, you may want to
      consider moving to another group.

|   o Remember that about 90% of the stuff on this group is
      crap, and if your article is not in the top 10% then it is
      probably crap as well. If you are still convinced that the
      majority of readers on the group will enjoy your dry and subtle
      wit, then post.

Newsgroups: news.announce.newusers,news.answers
Subject: Answers to Frequently Asked Questions
Summary: Huuuge file with Index
Summary: Shit ==
Contentless "me too" postings (should have used email) [tell "me, too."
or "I agree."].
Posts with many lines of attribution and a single word or line added
agreeing or disagreeing. [like cascades]

|Cyclic discussions some times occur.
How is the "new user" supposed to come "Up to speed?"
Uninformed readers believe that new information is added in these
repeat discussion. That is NOT the case, since by definition, that
kind of discussion would not be cyclic.

Newsgroups: news.announce.newusers,news.answers
Subject: A Primer on How to Work With the Usenet Community
Summary: of Things to Remember
       Never forget that the person on the other side is human
       Don't blame system admins for their users' behavior
       Be careful what you say about others
       Be brief
       Your postings reflect upon you; be proud of them
       Use descriptive titles
       Think about your audience
       Only post a message once
       Summarize what you are following up
|      Use mail, don't post a follow-up
       Read all follow-ups and don't repeat what has already been said
       Double-check follow-up newsgroups and distributions.
       Be careful about copyrights and licenses
       Cite appropriate references
       When summarizing, summarize
       Spelling flames considered harmful
       Don't overdo signatures
       Limit line length and avoid control characters

Newsgroups: news.announce.newusers,news.answers
Subject: Hints on writing style for Usenet
Summary:
 * Subject lines should be used very carefully. How much time have you
   wasted reading articles with a misleading subject line?  The "Subject:"
   header line can be edited in all the various posting programs
   (as can the "Distribution:", "Newsgroups:" and "Followup-To:" header
   lines).

 * Remember - this is an international network.

 * Remember - your current or future employers may be reading your
   articles. So might your spouse, neighbors, children, and others
   who will long-remember your gaffes.


Newsgroups: soc.motss,news.answers
Subject: soc.motss FAQ
Summary: 106. What will happen to me if I post in soc.motss?
    The answer is, in general, nothing. (Lots of people of all orienta-
tions read and write to soc.motss, so strictly speaking you're not
coming out by posting. Even so, some people will draw conclusions about
your sexual orientation from the fact that you post here.
    However-- Assume that any posting in net news is in the public
domain and could end **anywhere**:  the general media, a police file, a
Fundie's hate list, an entrepeneur's sales contact list, etc. If you
can't stand by your posting, then don't post.

 Well then, end of FAQ, but as this is alt.tasteless and you have bothered to
read all the way, you are hereby rewarded with a good alt.tasteless post:

>How utterly amusing. By the way, it's "felch," chowderhead.
>I know some pindick took it upon himself to mutilate my definition-by-
>example, making sure he misspelled the term everytime, then repost it
>to this newsgroup. That this person has to live with the daily
>torture of being a complete ignoramus in no way excuses you.


I humbly abase myself before your bloated and vienna-sausage-jelly covered
yet arousingly masterful self. It's true:  I am a pindick, and I have to live
with the daily torture of being a complete ignoramus. Yet I sort of enjoy
it. I'm such a degraded and debased pseudo-excuse for a human-like product,
that I get a rush out of being electronically besmirched. The thrill of the
Real Thing just isn't enough. I just can't get the little "needle" stiff
anymore with any of the usual acts. My miniscule nubbin can't become as
erect-like as Mr Banta when I am being forced to eat steaming puddles of my own
vomitus by carbuncle-ridden whores whose empty and dried dugs slap limply
against their hollow, warty chests.

This is nothing compared to the almost incomprehensible shame of incontinence
caused by having spelling corrected in such a masterful manner. I, as a
filthy, suppurating sore of a human being, reccommend it. Get Andy Banta
to correct your spelling. It's better than being shat on by a "Sergeant
Schultz" imitator. It's even better than being forced to eat the small, whitish
tadpoles that thrive in containers of Mr Banta's rancid urine. It's much
better than a Japanese body massage given by a spectacularly overweight
prostitute with bedsores and tapir smegma as lubricant. I can't say enough
good things about it, particularly since I do have a very tiny masculine
organ of primogeniture, a 3 inch fistula through which I am forced to defecate
upon myself, no hair except on my shoulders and buttocks (which is of course
matted with other's dung), and bleeding string warts over virtually all of the
skin not covered by workaday clothing.

It's so hard to find someone even less appealling to the opposite sex as
myself. Mr Banta has provided me with plentiful fantasy fodder by doing
a carefully concealed spelling flame. Now I can have that secret, spongey
frisson of excitement that can only raise it's pitiful and squishy knob-like
head when I get spurned by someone more repulsive and less a part of even
the most perverted dregs of society than I am.

I weep tears of pus, and fart into my skidmarked "Y-fronts" in joy and
pitiful, bleating gratitude. Thank you, my idol, Mr Banta.

Yours truly,
Pindick.



         Copyright 1992 The Church of Divine Tastelessness
           and The Second Church of Our Lord Jesus Christ