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- From: el27166@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (This Space for Rent)
- Subject: How to watch FCC's Dracula!
- Message-ID: <Bxxv0r.Any@news.cso.uiuc.edu>
- Sender: usenet@news.cso.uiuc.edu (Net Noise owner)
- Organization: University of Illinois at Urbana
- Date: Thu, 19 Nov 1992 01:05:15 GMT
- Lines: 179
-
-
- How to enjoy Francis Ford Coppola's adaptation of Bram Stoker's Dracula.
-
- *** SPOILERS BELOW ***
-
-
- Although many agree that FCC's adaptation of Bram Stoker's Dracula
- is lacking, at best, it is not entirely without merit. Before we
- may enjoy the true art of this movie, we must understand what this
- movie is NOT to be enjoyed for.
-
- I) Horror movie: As a horror movie, FCC's Dracula is awful. Simply,
- it's not scary. Dracula wasn't evil, wasn't nasty, wasn't devilish,
- wasn't dastardly. He was a hopeless romantic, straight out of a
- trashy romance novel. Although that CAN be scary, that effect isn't
- exploited in this movie. If the villain isn't really the villain
- in a horror story how can he be frightening? Let's examine each of
- Dracula's incarnations:
-
- 1) Vlad in Arnold Schwartzenegger Body Armor: Definitely not scary.
- Much scarier scenes in _Excalibur_.
- 2) Dracula wearing a bra-on-top-of-my-head hairstyle: Licking the
- razor comes cloes, but all that silly shadow stuff detracts from
- anything that acting may have salvaged.
- 3) Dracula as horny wolf: Not very scary. No suspense. Goes in
- kills a few, rapes a few. Seeing it from the wolf's point of
- view CAN add the horror, but the violence is so campy that the
- effect simply detracts from the suspense we normally get by
- following the victim's perspective.
- 4) Dracula as mist: Too blatant to be scary. Green mist oozing
- into the room is not scary. The idea that you are being watched
- by someTHING in the room is scary. _Psycho_ did a great job of
- being scary, WITHOUT glowing green mist.
- 5) Dracula as bat: Reminded me of _Gargoyles_. So he knocks a few
- guys around the room. Is that scary? Nope.
- 6) Dracula as a bunch of rats: Flee flee run away! Cowards are not
- scary.
- 7) The ol' can't see 'im in the mirror trick: Now he's here, now
- he's not! Is Doug Henning scary? Yes. But Dracula isn't.
-
- We definitely see the movie's failure from a horror perpective.
-
- II) Tragic Romance: A dark tragic romance? That sounds great, huh?
- Too bad it's not Dracula. It's dark, certainly. It might even be
- tragic if we cared one iota about the characters. As a romance, the
- "unearthly love" between Mina and Dracula was not tangible for me.
- The basic FCC plot for a tragic romance is older than Dracula himself.
- Romeo and Juliet at least had us caring about the characters, and that
- was done without glowing green mist AND without fiery blue rings of
- infernal hell. Of course before Romeo and Juliet we had Pyramus and
- Thisbe. This formula is old, and definitely not improved by FCC.
-
- III) The "Erotic Dream": Hey, I wouldn't mind an erotic dream or
- two involving Winona Ryder. Others could say the same for Keanu
- Reeves. As an erotic dream, this movie is severely lacking. Lucy
- had an erotic sequence or two by herself, but it was nothing which
- was particularly risque. Jonathan Harker and the misty babes were
- amusing, but he looked like he was enjoying it more than he should
- have. It should be horrifying, especially in the Victorian setting.
- Winona Ryder was notably unerotic IMO. I absolutely adore her in
- everything else she's done (except perhaps _Edward Scissorhands_
- in which, I'm sad to say, Johnny Depp stole the show). And I know
- she can do an erotic scene (top of the tower in Mermaids), but she
- just didn't have it in this one. Too bad, she was the last hope
- of salvaging the movie as an "erotic dream" as Coppola was fond of
- calling it.
-
- Who are the people who are saying that this movie is "erotic" and
- "controversial"? They should get out more. They must be the same
- people who hyped Madonna's book with the same words.
-
- IV) Psychological Thriller: _Halloween_ was the best of this genre.
- An obsessive lunatic with supernatural powers stalking an unsuspecting
- young girl can be frightening. Unfortunately, the sense of real
- danger is taken away, "defanged" if you will, by Dracula's love for
- his wife's reincarnation, Mina. He would never harm her. Only part
- which could resemble a psychological thriller was when he attacked
- Lucy for the third time. And again, I emphasize how the perspective
- of the attack from victim to assailant "defanged" the horror aspect.
-
- ---------------------------------------------------------------------
- Well, now that we have all the bad aspects of the movie out of the
- way, we can concentrate on the good. Or at least, the parts which
- are not quite so bad. Here are a few things you should be glad that
- it's not:
-
- 1) Dracula the Terrorist Movie: Dracula hijacks building, plane, airport,
- submarine, Yugo, whatever and Steven Seagal or Bruce Willis rescue the
- day single-handedly. Yay.
-
- 2) Dracula the Yuppie Thriller Movie: Newlywed Yuppie couple befriend
- and entrust their child/emotions/house/love affair to Dracula, the
- seemingly nice neighbor/lover/babysitter. Dracula betrays that trust
- and angers Yuppie couple. Yuppie couple takes revenge personally on
- Dracula (Yuppie vigilantism is SOOO passe!).
-
- 3) Dracula --- 1492: Christopher Columbus really WAS evil! He was
- Dracula! The white men really WERE pale faced--- because they were
- undead!
-
- 4) Dracula --- the Slain 60's Hero: It was a conspiracy to kill
- Dracula. (See JFK, Doors, Malcolm X, Hoffa)
-
- 5) Home Alone 3 --- Lost in Transylvania: 'Nuff said.
-
- ----------------------------------------------------------------------
- Well, I did promise you that I'd explain how you could possible
- enjoy such a dreary movie. There is one possible genre in which
- Dracula works as a movie. Lemme see if I can break this gently.
- Think of a famous bad horror movie with big name actors and actresses,
- silly and stupid costumes, cheesy special effects, and pseudo-erotic
- sex scenes. Yes! The Rocky Horror Picture Show! I think Anthony
- Hopkins had the right idea. Von Helsing need not be this obsessive,
- crazed scientist. He's kooky, he's wacky. He's funny! Dracula works...
- as a COMEDY!
-
- I'm sure there are many great lines we could adlib into it. I'll list
- some of the sillier scenes with a few of my adlibs, but I'm sure you
- folks out there can come up with MUCH better ones!
-
- Keanu Reeves scene where the mist turns into real naked vampire babes:
- "Excellent!"
-
- Every subsequent Keanu Reeves scene flashback to the vampiress pit:
- "Party on, dude!"
-
- Scene where Dracula convinces Mina of his love while in a ring of candles:
- "I'll be wrapped around your finger..."
-
- Von Helsing burns Mina's head with a communion wafer:
- "Alka Seltzer to the resss-CUE!"
-
- Beginning scene when Dracula says, "True love!":
- Start calling Dracula "Buttercup" (Princess Bride reference).
-
- First scene with Lucy and her suitors:
- "As you wish" (One of the suitors played Westley in Princess Bride).
-
- Scene where Dracula kills "Westley":
- "Ackk... truelove!"
-
- Stormy scene in the maze-garden with Mina and Lucy and the shaking camera:
- "Kepten, she can't take it no more!" (Scotty accent)
-
- Scene where Von Helsing sniffs at Mina:
- "I myself, cannot smell your cunt, Clarise." (Silence of the Lambs)
-
- Other Hannibal Lector/Von Helsing scenes:
- Transition from Lucy's decapitated head to pot roast.
- His "... but first let's eat. I'm hungry." line.
-
- Many Monty Python's Holy Grail Scenes:
- Jonathan Harker at the nun church:
- "Left the grail shaped beacon on again?"
- Dracula turns into rats and flees"
- "Flee flee run away!"
- Beginning battle scene (the impaling):
- "It's only a flesh wound!"
-
- Von Helsing watches as Mina casts fiery blue rings into the sky:
- "Ooooo. Ahhhh. I love fireworks!"
-
- Dramatic chase scene before Dracula's Tower:
- Sunshine! No Snowstorm! No Sunshime! No Snowstorm! ...
-
- "Erotic" scene with Mina and Dracula:
- "Fuck me gently with a chainsaw." (Heathers)
-
- I can't think of anything good for all of those stupid shadow scenes.
- Any good ideas?
-
- Anyone else got some more? This movie really is full of 'em. I've
- only listed a few. I'm sure there are MANY more! What a great movie,
- huh? I've got to see it again so I can make fun of it MORE!
-
- Eu-Ming Lee
- --
- Eu-Ming Lee (aka CyberGeek) el27166@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu
- Guys with long sigs are just trying to compensate for something...
-