NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #27/NN_1992_27.iso/spool/alt/romance/14342

Internet Message Format | 1992-11-19 | 3.5 KB

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From: [e-mail] (Michael Gordon Weaver)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: Obsessive Behavior - detecting, reacting, showing (long)
Keywords: OBSESSION
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 20 Nov 92 00:34:41 GMT
References: <[e-mail]>
Organization: WEITEK Corporation, Sunnyvale CA
Lines: 59

In article <[e-mail]> [e-mail] (Douglas E Helbling) writes:

I won't address how you decide that someone is obsessive or how to deal with it.
I think others will have better ideas than I do about these. I usually rely on
intuition to tell me whether or not there is something wrong with the way someone
is treating me.

>    Reacting to Obsessive Assessment: (s/he thinks I'm nuts! Guess I'll
>        have to stop circling her/his block at night.)
>
>    Okay, so your recent or long running "friend" has gotten the idea
>    that you are obsessive.  They might even be "scared" of what you'll
>    do next.  You, of course, know you are not, but you do have real
>    feelings for this person.  Do you:
>
>    * Say "to hell with it!"?  After all, if s/he thinks you are
>      capable of <insert despicable behavior here>, then s/he really
>      doesn't have a clue as to who you are about anyway.
>
>    * Give them time to relax, assume they've just seen Oprah/Sally/Phil
>      too many times this month, and call them up a few weeks later?
>
>    * Assume they've already had dealings with near-to-crazy SO's
>      in their past, and so they're not capable of distinguishing
>      honest, well-intended affection for obsessive behavior?
>
I don't know about your situation, but you may be overreacting.
Usually, what scares people away is not the fear of someone being
obsessed, but the fear of someone being emotionally dependent on them.
That is, it is quite possible that she is not afraid of what you will
do, but rather she is afraid that every time she sees you, she has to
treat you very carefully, because otherwise you will get hurt. Also, if
you seem dependent, she will feel that you aren't really interested in
her, but rather in having someone to fill your dependency.  Don't
assume that she thinks terrible things about you unless you have some
more concrete reason to believe it.

A lot of guys have the mistaken idea that if they aren't showing
dependency, they aren't showing love. Of course they don't call it
dependency.  Trying to convince someone that you can't live without
them, before they have decided that they can't live without you, is a
sure way to scare them away. To overcome her fears of your dependency,
you need to demonstrate independence. Show her that you have a life of
your own. You enjoy her, you value her opinions, but your life will go
on, whatever she thinks of you. Show her that you can get along with
other people.

If you can show her that you are independent, while also showing you
have a sincere interest in her (whether or not she wants to get closer),
then time should be on your side. If she sees this for long enough, she
should decide that you really are interested in her, and not just looking
for someone to fill a role. Of course, being independent and showing interest
in her in the same time may seem too passive, since what you will be doing
is spending as much time with her as you can (without seeming dependent),
and talking to her, but if you focus on results rather than flashy tactics,
it shouldn't be too hard.

Good Luck,
Michael.