NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #27/NN_1992_27.iso/spool/alt/romance/14340

Internet Message Format | 1992-11-19 | 3.8 KB

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From: [e-mail] (Michael Gordon Weaver)
Newsgroups: alt.romance
Subject: Re: wish me luck
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 19 Nov 92 22:54:52 GMT
References: <[e-mail]> <[e-mail]>
Organization: WEITEK Corporation, Sunnyvale CA
Lines: 62

In article <[e-mail]> [e-mail] writes:
>In article <[e-mail]>, [e-mail] (Cathy Horwitz) writes:
>>interested in someone.  I don't know his name or anything about him.  There
>>is little chance that I will meet him if I don't approach him.
>
>I'm in a similar situation, so I'll pitch a couple pennies, here.  Cutesy isn't
>going to do it.  You said it yourself--you have to *approach* him.
>Relationships are built on talk, talk, and more talk.  I'm not an expert, since
>I can't seem to get beyond hello's, but this is what I've been told.
>
>On the other hand, if notes work for you, let me know--maybe I'm wrong.
>I'm tired of waiting for Opportunity, and may have to make my own.  :)
>
>Cheryl
>
I agree with Cheryl that relationships are built on talk.

I just wanted to say that it is not too hard to get beyond hello
once you know how. Of course it is harder when you are talking
to someone you want to impress. Most people seem to think that
they need to say something clever in order to have a good conversation,
but that is not true. The key is to take the lead in the conversation.
Let the other person do most of the talking, but keep it from becoming
a monologue by asking questions and putting in small examples from your
own experience which show that you are following what the other person
is saying.

This serves a couple of purposes. First, by focusing on the
other person, you won't get stage fright or feel shy. Second, people
love to talk about themselves, and feel very comfortable doing so as
long as you show you are interested and are accepting. And if this is
a romance, you want a chance to show that you are interested and
accepting anyhow.

Of course, you can't start a conversation by asking someone to talk
about themselves, because this would make them uncomfortable. And you
may feel some trepidation at starting a conversation. Don't. People
generally feel uncomfortable in a situation *not* talking. If you come
up to someone who is not talking to anyone in a social situation, they
will probably be relieved that someone is talking to them. When you
start talking, since you don't want to focus on yourself, and you can't
start off by focusing on the other person, you focus on the immediate
situation. Talk about the weather if you have to. If you pay attention,
you usually will find something to ask the other person about
themselves that is non-threatening, because they will mention a dance
class, a upcoming vacation, or even a dentist appointment. Asking them
about these sort of neutral subjects can get them to start opening up.

Remember that most of the communication in a conversation is non-verbal
and even unconscious. What you are talking about mostly forms a background
of reference to display attitudes and emotions against. So don't worry about
not saying enough or not putting things into words correctly. If you are
keeping the other persons attention, you will be communicating your
emotions and attitudes toward whatever is being said.

If you force yourself to talk to people you don't know (preferably people
you aren't worried about making a good impression on) for a while, you
will start to think of yourself as someone who can start a conversation.
Then when you do meet someone you want to impress, you will be confident
that at least you know how to make small talk.

Michael.