NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #27/NN_1992_27.iso/spool/alt/romance/14094

Internet Message Format | 1992-11-16 | 3.7 KB

Xref: sparky alt.romance:14094 soc.singles:30843
Newsgroups: alt.romance,soc.singles
Path: sparky!uunet!hela.iti.org!usc!srhqla!dks
From: [e-mail] (Dave K. Sprow)
Subject: Re: Being Alone?
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Reply-To: [e-mail] (Dave K. Sprow)
Organization: Silent Radio, Los Angeles
References: <[e-mail]> <[e-mail]> <[e-mail]>
Distribution: usa
Date: Mon, 16 Nov 1992 19:28:49 GMT
Lines: 68

In article <[e-mail]> [e-mail] (51351[efw]-Robert Feddeler(MT4799)T343) writes:
>In article <[e-mail]> [e-mail] (Brian J Ross) writes:
>>:
>>: I met my wife 22 hours (give or take) after my ex-wife and I
>>: finally decided that we were _really_ going to split.  That
>>: was over 13 years ago.  We've been married for almost 11 years
>>: now.  Timing is very important.
>>
>>No offense, but I hate these anecdotes.
>
>Okay, then let's convert the anecdote to a more explicit statement of
>the point I was trying to make.  There seems to be a lot of discussion
>in this group about how long is normal/appropriate/to be expected between
>relationships.  The point I was making (albeit obtusely perhaps) is
>that there is simply no _right_ answer.  It is a matter of timing,
>luck, and (my favorite word) serendipity.  I read the original question as
>a request for opinions on what a reasonable upper bound might be.  The
>"anecdote" demonstrates (slim) empirical evidence that the answer is
>somewhere between 0 and forever with a uniform distribution.  I am very
>sceptical of suggestions that one should be patient because "it takes time
>to prepare one's self for the "next" relationship".  I view that as little
>more than an easy excuse to explain to yourself (and perhaps others) that
>you are single.

As I previously posted and someone else also said today, this os not true
for most people.  What we both said were saying was not "it takes time
to *prepare* one's self" but that there is a normal grieving process that
people need to go through before one can truly *be* in another
relationship without carrying the "extra baggage" with you.  This is
especially true if the ending of the relationship wasn't not mutual
and you were the one "being left".

So I find your statement about being ready for another relationship as
an "easy excuse" a) uninformed, b) demeaning to people who might be
grieving a curremt loss, c) pretty dow-right uncaring d) condescending,
e) etc.


You can be as prepared as you could possibly be and still
>not meet the right person.

True. So what?

 You could be an emotional bowl of oatmeal from
>a previous relationship and quickly find yourself in the most incredible
>relationship of your life.

As I previously said, yes *anything's* possible.  These things do happen,
but the odds are *highly* against it.  I'm happy that you were the
exception.   It just is very,very unlikely formost people.  I mean,
would an emotionally mature, aware adult *get* into a relationship
with a person who was obviously hurting from a loss??  No one I know
or ever heard of, excepting those "rescuers" out there, but then I
said mature.

 The discussion is good because it allows
>us all to realize that we are not uniquely unfortunate in the game of
>love (so to speak).  The risk, though, is that we over-analyze the
>symptoms and lose sight of the fact that, no matter how hard we try to
>understand and do the right things, chaos and serendipity will prevail.
>
>
>bob.            | Heap big trouble in the land of plenty.
>Were these more than just my opinions, they would have cost a bit more.

David S.