NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #27/NN_1992_27.iso/spool/alt/folklore/college/3099

Internet Message Format | 1992-11-19 | 8.0 KB

Path: sparky!uunet!noc.near.net!bigboote.WPI.EDU!obsidian.WPI.EDU!megazone
From: [e-mail] (MegaZone23)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.college
Subject: Ned Ames
Date: 20 Nov 1992 02:22:56 GMT
Organization: WPI USAF -- United Society of Animation Fans
Lines: 150
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
References: <[e-mail]> <[e-mail]> <[e-mail]>
NNTP-Posting-Host: obsidian.wpi.edu

In article <[e-mail]> [e-mail] (Timothy James) writes:
Terrylee said:
>>>PLEASE not NED!!!  DON'T get Zoner started on Ned!  Ned practically _lived_
>>>in his apartment for half of last year.

hehehe, and I almost missed this thread too..... ;->

>>i dunno, i happen to think Jay Phelps beats him out there...... ;}

Sorry Amy, but I know Jay, and I knew Ned. Ned Ames wins hands down. The
bastard just about moved into my apt without invitation last year. He decided
he liked anime, and I collect anime, therefore he decided to watch all
godzillion hours of video I have, straight through, repeatedly...

I came back from break to find Ned rooted to my couch. My VCR was burning up,
and since then has died.... My innocent roommate Paul had let him in, not
knowing who he was. He said he was a friend of mine. YAHRIGHT! Turns out he
had previously infested Chadwicks apt and had finally been kicked out after
literally sitting on their couch for two days straight... Well, he was in our
living room even longer. His roommates down in E-14 hated him, and since I was
just up the way in E-7 he decided to live there, for all practical purposes...

Hey, that Mother*(%%^#%^^&*$^%*&($& bastard still has two of my Animag's I
spent years tracking down, $42 worth in back issues. IF you can find them. He
snagged them while he was leeching off of us and I didn't notice they were
missing until I was packing up in D-term. I'd like to kill the little roach,
but I'd have to fight off his hair first!

Boy, I've met clueless people, but Ned is the ultimate.
"We're going to bed Ned."
"ok"
"No Ned, you see, everyone who lives hear is going to bed now."
"yeah"
"Ned, that means you leave."
"Ok" sit, stare, fast forward
"Now Ned"
"Yeah, ok" sit, stare, rewind
"Ned! Turn off the fucking TV, get up and leave!"
"ok" sit stare....
We pick up knives and appraoch him. "Leave Ned"
"Huh? Oh! Yeah, fine" Leaves....

Gary told Ned, to his face, in no uncertain terms, that at best we barely
tolerated him, and at worst we would gladly gut him with DAKA spoons. Yet he
still called us his friends and he never got the clue.

One time I walked in, in an especially bad mood, and found Ned watching Bubble
Gum Crisis for the nth time, where n is infinity plus something... I turned it
off and put in Pink FLoyd The Wall (My cheerup film, ok, so I'm odd...) He asks
what I put in, so I tell him.
"Oh, well I'd like to see some more anime."
"Ned, this is MY apartment, MY VCR, MY video collection, and Mark's TV. You
don't live here. I'm going to watch what I want to watch. You don't line here."
"Well, ok. It's not going to be long is it? I'd like to see the rest of BGC..."
I pointedly sat in a chair with my back to him, cranked the stereo (we had the
VCR patched in) and ignored him. The option would have been too messy...

One time, I think it was xmas break, yeah there was snow... anyway, I was the
only roomie there. Everyone else had left for vacation. Gary and Rich were
over doing some work and shooting the breeze... Well, Ned is there too...

Oh, did I mention that Ned fancies himself an expert on just about EVERYTHING?
Well, I'm a pilot and a fairly avid follower of aerospace, Rich is about as
avid and ex-AFROTC, and Gary is again as avid and in AFROTC. Well, we were
bsing about the Gulf situation at the time, new aircraft, theories, etc... And
Ned chimes in with some of the most idiotic sh--- Stuff we'd ever heard. Ok,
he claimed to know all this junk as fact, while in the same room I had dozens
of books which proved him wrong, not to mention pure logic. Still he continues.
So, Gary, Rich, and I decide to go to Denny's for some coffee to ditch Ned...

Figuring he'd get the hint we grab our coats and go to the door, he doesn't...
"Ned, we're going to Denny's" Gesturing to indicate the three of us.
"ok" Turns back to the tv.
"Ned, you don't understand. We're going to Denny's. I'd rather not leave you
here alone as I'm the only official resident left."
"You want me to leave?"
"Well, yeah."
"Ok" Turns back to tv....
"Ned, we'd like to go NOW."
"Huh? Ok" Gets up grabs coat. Walks out with us.
"So, you guys have any extra money?"
This schmuck just invited himself!!!???!!!
"Um, not really Ned, we're sort of broke."
"Oh, ok. Well, I can probably get something..."
We're close to Gary's car now, and we have NO intention of bringing him along.
So we get to the car, stand there talking in the freezing air. Stuff like  "so
this is your car?" random bs which the average slime mold would take as a brush
off, as we pointedly avoided talking to him. There we started being more
obvious....

Let me just say I am a Nice-Guy(tm) so I have an aversion to just telling him
to fuck off. I was hoping to spare his ego by letting him figure it out, and
Rich and Gary were just too ammused... But this was Ned, I should have known
better. As we found out later on, even saying "Ned we hate you, fuck off and
die!" is beyond his comprehension. He refuses to get a clue, even when it
jumps up and bites him.... anyway....

So we noticed some boot prints...
"Say, aren't those Erik's prints?" "Why yes they are." "We could track him."
"Probably" "Check out this icicle." "Pretty big." We started sliding on the ice
fooling around, I managed to make gary sail through the air onto his ass...
all the time ignoring Ned...

But he just stood by the car waiting. So we finally decided to do it, Gary
and Rich are Professional Assholes(tm) so they got the honors. We approached
the car. Ned followed, so gary spoke up.
G:"Oh, were you planning on joining us?"
N:"Well, yes."
G:"Ned, we'd appreciate it if you wouldn't."
N:"Oh" Looks pleadingly at me.
M:"Well, it's his car. Sorry Ned."
N: Looking dejected. "ok, guess I'll go home."
M,G,R:"Goodbye Ned."

OK, just so everyone knows. Ned Ames is a caucasion from Maine. There is no
racial motivation here. He has no known physical handicaps, and actually has
a decent ammount of intelligence. However, HE HAS NO CLUE!

>from wherever we were at 2:30 in the morning, and talk at us
>as we walked down the hall, then one of us would have to shut the
>door in his face so we could go to bed...That is an active boring
>type of annoying...

Ok, Jay can be that way. Sometimes he has intruded upon a private conversation
but I've known him for a while and he is actually a nice guy at heart. I've
seen him at work for EMS and I was there when he helped myself and some friends
out with a tense personal situation. He really cares and he really does want to
help. So all in all I think he is fairly decent....

But Ned has no redeeming qualities that I know of....

>Ned on the other hand was a passive funny type of annoying

That's just it! He will show up at your apt and take a place on you couch.
Permanantly. We came to the conclusion that Ned has an Anti-Personality and
that if you spent too much time with him your personality would be drained.
I observed this once when he decided to sit in on a video session with myself
and Gryphon. After a while we noticed that we had started speaking in
monotone (Ned's normal state of inflection). Gryph and I immediately did a
Stoh run to get the hell away from him...

>The kid doesn't reside in the same world we do...

Exactly. I have several weeks worth of stories about Ned and his lack of
contact with the environment. But this post is too long as it is...

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