NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #27/NN_1992_27.iso/spool/alt/fan/montypy/9133

Text File | 1992-11-17 | 5.9 KB | 145 lines

Newsgroups: alt.fan.monty-python
Path: sparky!uunet!boulder!ucsu!nieboer
From: [e-mail] (Doctor Gonzo)
Subject: Re: Join the masons!
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Organization: University of Colorado, Boulder
References: <[e-mail]>
Date: Tue, 17 Nov 1992 01:10:40 GMT
Lines: 134

[e-mail] (MR X) writes:


>    ***** A ONCE IN A LIFETIME OFFER ****

>    ***** DO NOT IGNORE THIS ********
>
>    ****** OR YOU WILL REGRET IT *****

>The Coventry branch of the grand lodge of free-masons would like to recruit
>new members from the alt.fan.monty-python newsgroup.

>We are the largest masonic society in the world with over 5 million
>members worldwide. Joining us, will give you power, money and influence.
>For instance:

>    -87.56% of Unversity lecturers are masons - so a quick masonic
>        handshake will get you a first class degree with no work.
>    -81.23% of police officers and 92.8% of judges are masons, so you
>        can commit any crime and get away with it.
>    -93.567% of company bosses are masons, so you will soon rise to the
>        top in your choosen career.

>We hold regular lodge meetings, where you can take part in many activities,
>such as:

>    -Wearing Aprons
>    -Showing each other your left nipples
>    -Rolling up your trouser legs
>    -Chanting strange rituals in a silly high pitched squeal
>    -Strange handshakes
>    -Silly walks
>    -Perverse sexual acts (e.g. rubbing lemon curry on your naughty bits)
>    -Corrupt business deals with other masons

>There are only two rules on becoming a mason:

>1) That you wear an apron and roll up your trouser leg
>2) That you will never reveal anything about the masons activities to
>   'normal' people.
>3) That you will help out other masons in any way you can.

>    Sorry three rules.

>Any masons who breaks the two.. sorry three rules will have their eyes torn
>out, their throat cut from side to side and their liver removed with a blunt
>instrument.

>If you are intrested then complete the application form below.

>==================== Cut here ================================================

>        APPLICATION FORM

>1) E-MAIL NAME: [e-mail]
>2) REAL NAME: Nieboer, Toby Christian
>3) ADDRESS: My house, in the middle of my street
>4) TELEPHONE NUMBER: 1-800-naughty
>5) DATE OF BIRTH: 14/9/70
>6) WHAT COURSE YOU ARE STUDYING?: Major in undecided, minor in party
>7) DO YOU HAVE AN APRON? Can't say I do....but I can borrow my mum's
>8) IF YES TO 7 - WHAT COLOUR IS IT? It's navy with an enormous fake penis
>9) CAN YOU CHANT IN A SILLY HIGH PITCHED WHINE? If forced
>10) DO YOU HAVE A SILLY WALK? Indeed I do
>11) IF YES TO 10 - PLEASE DESCRIBE YOUR SILLY WALK It's kind of like a fish
>12) DO YOU HAVE ANY POSITION OF POWER? Upside down in front of the fireplace
>13) BANK BLANCE? Somewhere between minimal and nothing
>14) HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO THE GRILLO SNACK BAR IN PAIGNTON? Can't say I have
>15) IF YES TO 14 - WHAT DID YOU EAT THERE?
>16) ARE YOU A VIRGIN? (HONEST AWNSER PLEASE!) Honestly....maybe
>17) IF NO TO 16 - WHERE, WHEN AND WITH WHOM? She was from Niagara Falls, honest
>18) DO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING WORDS EMBARESS YOU?
>    (PLEASE NUMBER IN ORDER OF EMBARESSMENT)
>
>    (A) THROBING
>    (B) NAUGHTY BITS
>    (C) THRUSTING
>    (D) WANKLE ROTARY ENGINE
>    (E) EXTENDED
>    (F) F'TANG F'TANG OLE BISCUIT BARREL
>    (G) SEMPRENI
They all make me feel quite quivery actually.....
>19) WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURATE 1970,s BBC TV COMEDY SHOW STARING JOHN CLEESE,
>    MICHAEL PALIN, ERIC IDLE, TERRY JONES, TERRY GILLIAM AND GRAHAM
>    CHAPMAN? Owl Stretching Time
>20) YOUR FANTASY? To be rich, famous, and awake all at the same time
>21) WHAT FORM OF EXECUTION WOULD YOU PREFER? Painful and slow
>22) WHAT ARE YOUR MUSICAL TASTES? Everything
>23) COLOUR AND NUMBER OF EYES Two brown
>24) HEIGHT Tall enough that I can ride roller coasters
>25) WEIGHT Light enough that I can be picked up by ordinary humans
>26) WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? Three camels and five oxen
>27) ARE YOU - SINGLE/MARRIED/DIVORCED? Single and hating it
>28) WHICH BRAND OF VAGINAL DEODRANT DO YOU BUY? I just use my mum's
>29) WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURATE CHOCOLATE? Either Violet Crumble or Swiss Chalet
>30) WOULD YOU LIKE INFORMATION ON A FULLY COMPREHENSIVE MOTOR INSURENCE POLICY
>    WITH A FREE NUDE LADY ? (OR THIRD PARTY WITH HER BRA ON? Why not
>31) CAN YOU SPEAK HUNGARIAN? I will not buy this tobacconist, it is scratched
>32) DO YOU WANT TO COME BACK TO MY PLACE BOUNCY BOUNCY? My nipples explode...
>33) IF I SAID YOU HAD A BEUTIFULL BODY WOULD YOU HOLD IT AGAINST ME? Ummm....
>34) WHAT POLITICAL PARTY DO YOU SUPPORT? (IF ANY) The Raving Monster Loonies
>35) WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS CRAP? If there's crap to be read, I read it

>=============================================================================

>Your application will be considered by the grand lodge membership commitee
>who will imform you whether you have been accepted or not.

>Some current members:

>    [e-mail] (the grand high wizard)
>    [e-mail] (the master of the apron)
>    [e-mail] (the high priest)
>    [e-mail] (the high priestess)
>    [e-mail] (lord of the desert, watcher over the
>                masonic brotherhood, keeper of the sacred
>                apron, owner of the magic nipple and
>                manufacturer of lemon curry and spam)
>    [e-mail] (master of the silly walk)

>Finally, a meeting for new members will be held in "Bullys bar" in the
>students union at Coventry University on Friday 20th Nov at 2.15pm.
>If you can attend then please e-mail me or one of the other members as we need
>to know numbers.

>        FROM....

>            MR 'X'...


--
*********************************************************************************"I don't worry 'bout nothin' no because worryin's a waste of my...time." GNR  *
* Toby Nieboer AKA Hoek email:[e-mail] University of Colorado *
********************************************************************************