BBS in a Box 3/BBS in a box - Trilogy III.iso/Files/Tele/Pete Johnson/QU Folder/Quotes.1

Text File | 1988-06-13 | 56.3 KB | 1,831 lines | [TEXT/EDIT]

    After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
Heaven.  As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
to be created."
    "This is true," He replied.
    "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
    "What!  You, his appointed Enemy for all Time!  You ask for the
right to make his laws?"
    "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make
his own."
    It was so granted.
%%
Ink: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
intellectual crime.
%%
Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.
%%
Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
%%
Once Law was sitting on the bench
    And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
    Nor come before me creeping.
Upon you knees if you appear,
'Tis plain you have no standing here."

Then Justice came.  His Honor cried:
    "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
"Amica curiae," she replied --
    "Friend of the court, so please you."
"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
I never saw your face before!"
%%
Trivia pursuit -
    The culmination of man's
    never ending search for a
    lack of purpose.
          - B.C. -
%%
Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.
%%
Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
    as one man.

Minor Premise: One man can dig a post hole in sixty seconds;

Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post hole in one second.
%%
Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...
%%
Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism

Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.

The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
knowledge.
%%
Man: An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.  His chief
occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
the whole habitable earth and Canada.
%%
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
%%
Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
they are in the market.
%%
Molecule: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.  It is
distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate,
indivisible unit of matter...The ion differs from the molecule, the
corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion...
%%
Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic.  A fourth affirms, with
Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation...A
fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
more about the matter than the others.
%%
Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
%%
Mythology: The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
from the true accounts which it invents later.
%%
...It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it
is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists
have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of
smell.
        -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
November: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
%%
Once, adv.: Enough.
%%
In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
resort of the scoundrel.  With all due respect to an enlightened but
inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
        -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by
the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior
in scope, for it balks at pig.
%%
Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
%%
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
%%
Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
    1)  The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
        straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
        force is technically termed "car suck").
    2)  Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
        than "Watch this!"
%%
Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the
on roof and gets stuck.
%%
Hofstadter's Law:
    It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
    Hofstadter's Law into account.
%%
"It is bad luck to be superstitious."
        -- Andrew W. Mathis
%%
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
        -- Roy Santoro
%%
Main's Law:
    For every action there is an equal and opposite government
    program.
%%
"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
%%
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
    It's on the other side.
%%
Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
    1)  Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
        check.
    2)  A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
    3)  There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
        attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
        attracted to dark objects.
%%
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
        -- Noelie Altito
%%
Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a
larger object.
%%
If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
        -- Marguerite Emmons
%%
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
%%
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.
%%
Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
    The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
    to.....to........uh..............
%%
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
%%
It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
high as the eagle?
%%
"If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
it, even if they don't know what it means."
        -- Walt Kelly
%%
If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is
also a psychological interaction.
The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so friendly.
The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
%%
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
%%
A penny saved is ridiculous.
%%
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
%%
"You must realize that the computer has it in for you.    The irrefutable
proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
%%
If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
%%
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
%%
Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
%%
Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.
%%
Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
worse in Cleveland.
%%
As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
%%
Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
be in owning a piece thereof.
%%
For a good time, call [phone]
%%
AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
You brute!  Knock before entering a ladies room!
%%
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
%%
To be is to do.
    -- I. Kant
To do is to be.
    -- A. Sartre
Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
    -- F. Flintstone
%%
God is Dead
    -- Nietzsche
Nietzsche is Dead
    -- God
Nietzsche is God
    -- Dead
%%
Jesus Saves,
Moses Invests,
But only Buddha pays Dividends.
%%
Acid absorbs 47 times its weight in excess Reality.
%%
Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle science fiction.
%%
Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
how many?
%%
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
%%
Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
Station-to-Station rate.
%%
Necessity is a mother.
%%
Help!  I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
%%
!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I  !pleH
%%
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
%%
May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
%%
May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
%%
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
Thousand Caramels.
%%
In the days of old,
When Knights were bold,
    And women were too cautious;
Oh, those gallant days,
When women were women,
    And men were really obnoxious...
%%
Sex is not the answer.    Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.
%%
If anything can go wrong, it will.
%%
$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
%%
If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their
Heads.
%%
If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
%%
If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
%%
If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit
Ears.
%%
How doth the little crocodile
    Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
    On every golden scale!

How cheerfully he seems to grin,
    How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
    With gently smiling jaws!
%%
You're at the end of the road again.
%%
If anything can go wrong, it will.
%%
The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.

However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours by
judging things by their price.
%%
"You are old, father William," the young man said,
    "And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
    Do you think, at your age, it is right?"

"In my youth," father William replied to his son,
    "I feared it might injure the brain;
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
    Why, I do it again and again."
%%
"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
    And have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
    Pray what is the reason of that?"

"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
    "I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
    Allow me to sell you a couple?"
%%
"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
    For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
    Pray, how did you manage to do it?"

"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
    And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
    Has lasted the rest of my life."
%%
"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
    That your eye was as steady as ever;
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
    What made you so awfully clever?"

"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
    Said his father.  "Don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
    Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
%%
In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
Our symptotes no longer out of phase,
We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
%%
I'll grant the random access to my heart,
Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
And in our bound partition never part.
%%
Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
A root or two, a torus and a node:
The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
%%
A very intelligent turtle
Found programming UNIX a hurdle
    The system, you see,
    Ran as slow as did he,
And that's not saying much for the turtle.
%%
This fortune cookie program out of order.  For those in desperate need,
please use the program "_r_a_n_d_c_h_a_r".  This program generates random
characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
something profound.  It will, however, take it no time at all to be
more profound than THIS program has ever been.
%%
This fortune intentionally not included.
%%
flibber-ti-gibbet
One who is inclined to look up words like flibbertigibbert
                       -B.C.-
%%
Speak roughly to your little boy,
    And beat him when he sneezes:
He only does it to annoy
    Because he knows it teases.

    Wow!  wow!  wow!

I speak severely to my boy,
    And beat him when he sneezes:
For he can thoroughly enjoy
    The pepper when he pleases!

    Wow!  wow!  wow!
%%
    "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
that is -- 'Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
more simply -- 'Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
otherwise.'"
%%
    "I don't know what you mean by 'glory,'" Alice said
    Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously.  "Of course you don't--
till I tell you.  I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for
you!'"
    "But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
objected.
    "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
less."
    "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
so many different things."
    "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
that's all."
%%
#define a
#define and(c) putc(c,stdout)
#define created
#define Dee =
#define had =
#define it --
#define thought puts
#define with -
int *fame = 128, *give = 128, *name = 128;
int *Bea = 130, *looking = 130, *to = 130;
int language = 120;
main()
{
      /* A lady programmer named */
      *Bea Dee
      created a language
      with 'C';
      while (--*looking) {
              for (*fame had *to; *give; it a *name)
                      and( ' ' );
              thought( "Is it Bea, C, or Dee?" );
      }
}
%%
Oh, when I was in love with you,
    Then I was clean and brave,
And miles around the wonder grew
    How well did I behave.

And now the fancy passes by,
    And nothing will remain,
And miles around they'll say that I
    Am quite myself again.

        -- A. E. Housman
%%
Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
She scissored short.  Sorely shorn,
Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
Silently scheming,
Sightlessly seeking
Some savage, spectacular suicide.

        -- Stanislaw Lem
%%
In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
incompetency
        -- the Peter Principle
%%
Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate
it.
%%
Everyone knows that dragons don't exist.  But while this simplistic
formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
scientific mind.  The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
wholly unconcerned with what does exist.  Indeed, the banality of
existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
discuss it any further here.  The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical.  They were all,
one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
different way...
%%
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.
%%
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
        -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
%%
When Marriage is Outlawed,
Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
%%
HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
SHE: What?!?  Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
        -- Walt Kelley
%%
Look out!  Behind you!
%%
Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
%%
Desk:  A wastebasket with drawers.
%%
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing
%%
Dentist: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
coins out of one's pockets.
        -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
It will be advantageous to cross the great stream...the Dragon is on
the wing in the Sky...the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
%%
If all be true that I do think,
There be Five Reasons why one should Drink;
Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
Or lest we should be by-and-by,
Or any other reason why.
%%
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
%%
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
develop.
%%
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
%%
Every solution breeds new problems.
%%
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
ingenious.
%%
O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
    "Murphy was an optimist."
%%
Boling's postulate:
    If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.
%%
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
something.
%%
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
will.
%%
Scott's first Law:
    No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
%%
Scott's second Law:
    When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
    to have been wrong in the first place.
Corollary:
    After the correction has been found in error, it will be
    impossible to fit the original quantity back into the
    equation.
%%
Finagle's first Law:
    If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
%%
Finagle's second Law:
    No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
    someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c)
    believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
%%
Finagle's third Law:
    In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
    beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
Corollaries:
    1.  Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
    2.  The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
        don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
%%
Finagle's fourth Law:
    Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
    makes it worse.
%%
Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
%%
Science is convinced there's no intelligent
life in our solar system.
        S. F. Chronicle
%%
Issawi's Laws of Progress:

    The Course of Progress:
        Most things get steadily worse.

    The Path of Progress:
        A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
%%
Simon's Law:
    Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
%%
Ginsberg's Theorem:
    1.  You can't win.
    2.  You can't break even.
    3.  You can't even quit the game.

Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:

    Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
    meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
    Theorem.  To wit:

    1.  Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
    2.  Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break
        even.
    3.  Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the
        game.
%%
Ehrman's Commentary:
    1.  Things will get worse before they get better.
    2.  Who said things would get better?
%%
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
%%
Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
    Negative expectations yield negative results.
    Positive expectations yield negative results.
%%
Howe's Law:
    Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
%%
Sturgeon's Law:
    90% of everything is crud.
%%
Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
    Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
    probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
    some useful work done.
%%
Brook's Law:
    Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
%%
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
    Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
    vividly manifests their lack of progress.
%%
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
    There's always one more bug.
%%
Shaw's Principle:
    Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
    want to use it.
%%
Law of the Perversity of Nature:
    You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
    bread to butter.
%%
Law of Selective Gravity:
    An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Jenning's Corollary:
    The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
    directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
%%
Paul's Law:
    You can't fall off the floor.
%%
Johnson's First Law:
    When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
    most inconvenient possible time.
%%
Watson's Law:
    The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
    number and significance of any persons watching it.
%%
Sattinger's Law:
    It works better if you plug it in.
%%
Lowery's Law:
    If it jams -- force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing
    anyway.
%%
Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
    Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
%%
Cahn's Axiom:
    When all else fails, read the instructions.
%%
Jenkinson's Law:
    It won't work.
%%
Murphy's Law of Research:
    Enough research will tend to support your theory.
%%
Maier's Law:
    If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be
    disposed of.

Corollaries:
    1.  The bigger the theory, the better.
    2.  The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
        50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
        obtain a correspondence with the theory.
%%
Williams and Holland's Law:
    If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
    statistical methods.
%%
Harvard Law:
    Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
    temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
    organism will do as it damn well pleases.
%%
Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
    Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
    out.
%%
Brooke's Law:
    Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
    discovers something which either abolishes the system or
    expands it beyond recognition.
%%
Meskimen's Law:
    There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
    do it over.
%%
Heller's Law:
    The first myth of management is that it exists.

Johnson's Corollary:
    Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
    organization.
%%
Peter's Law of Substitution:
    Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
    themselves.
%%
Parkinson's Fourth Law:
    The number of people in any working group tends to increase
    regardless of the amount of work to be done.
%%
Parkinson's Fifth Law:
    If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
    bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
%%
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
    People are always available for work in the past tense.
%%
Iron Law of Distribution:
    Them that has, gets.
%%
H. L. Mencken's Law:
    Those who can -- do.
    Those who can't -- teach.

Martin's Extension:
    Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
%%
Jones' Law:
    The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
    to blame it on.
%%
Rule of Feline Frustration:
    When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
    content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
    bathroom.
%%
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
blowing first.
%%
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
removed.
%%
After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
on the bench.
%%
This universe never did make sense;  I suspect that it was built on
government contract.
%%
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
are to be treated as variables.
%%
Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
%%
First Law of Bicycling:
    No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
    wind.
%%
Boob's Law:
    You always find something in the last place you look.
%%
Osborn's Law:
    Variables won't; constants aren't.
%%
Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
    That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
    or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you
    should have gotten.
%%
Miksch's Law:
    If a string has one end, then it has another end.
%%
Law of Communications:
    The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
    between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
    area of misunderstanding.
%%
Harris's Lament:
    All the good ones are taken.
%%
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
        -- Harry S Truman
%%
Putt's Law:
    Technology is dominated by two types of people:
        Those who understand what they do not manage.
        Those who manage what they do not understand.
%%
First Law of Procrastination:
    Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
    for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
    imposed the deadline).
%%
Fifth Law of Procrastination:
    Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
    there is nothing important to do.
%%
Swipple's Rule of Order:
    He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
%%
Wiker's Law:
    Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
%%
Gray's Law of Programming:
    'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
    time as 'n' trivial tasks.

Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
    'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
%%
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
    The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
    the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety
    percent.
%%
Weinberg's First Law:
    Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
%%
Weinberg's Second Law:
    If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
    then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy
    civilization.
%%
Paul's Law:
    In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
    save.
%%
Malek's Law:
    Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
%%
Weinberg's Principle:
    An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
    sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
%%
Barth's Distinction:
    There are two types of people:  those who divide people into
    two types, and those who don't.
%%
Weiler's Law:
    Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
    himself.
%%
First Law of Socio-Genetics:
    Celibacy is not hereditary.
%%
Beifeld's Principle:
    The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
    receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when
    he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3)
    a better looking and richer male friend.
%%
Hartley's Second Law:
    Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
%%
Pardo's First Postulate:
    Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

Arnold's Addendum:
    Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in
    rats.
%%
Parker's Law:
    Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
%%
Captain Penny's Law:
    You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
    the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
%%
Katz' Law:
    Man and nations will act rationally when all other
    possibilities have been exhausted.
%%
Mr. Cole's Axiom:
    The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
    population is growing.
%%
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
    Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
    another drink.
%%
The Kennedy Constant:
    Don't get mad -- get even.
%%
Canada Bill Jone's Motto:
    It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

Supplement:
    A .44 magnum beats four aces.
%%
Jone's Motto:
    Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
%%
The Fifth Rule:
    You have taken yourself too seriously.
%%
Cole's Law:
    Thinly sliced cabbage.
%%
Hartley's First Law:
    You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
    on his back, you've got something.
%%
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
    No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
    legislature is in session.
%%
Churchill's Commentary on Man:
    Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
    time he will pick himself up and continue on.
%%
Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
    A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
%%
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
    Don't worry if it doesn't work right.  If everything did, you'd
    be out of a job.
%%
ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
    door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
%%
"He is now rising from affluence to poverty."
        -- Mark Twain
%%
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
wants to read.
        -- Mark Twain
%%
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
you.  This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
        -- Mark Twain
%%
Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
        -- Mark Twain
%%
But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
        -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
%%
    "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering
voice.
    "No," Said Gandalf, "but I can.  The letters are Elvish, of
course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
I will not utter here.  They are lines of a verse long known in
Elven-lore:

    "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
    Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
    Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
    This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
    The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
    The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
    If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
    If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
%%
"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is
because we are not the person involved"
        -- Mark Twain
%%
"...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
picturesque liar."
        -- Mark Twain
%%
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.  I said I
didn't know.
        -- Mark Twain
%%
"...all the modern inconveniences..."
        -- Mark Twain
%%
We have met the enemy, and he is us.
        -- Walt Kelly
%%
"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
        -- William Gilbert
%%
Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
    All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
%%
Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
    The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
    cork makes when it is popped.
%%
Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
    The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
%%
Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
    Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
    is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
    can never hope to acquire it.
%%
Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
%%
Angels we have heard on High
Tell us to go out and Buy.
%%
The Preacher, the Politicain, the Teacher,
    Were each of them once a kiddie.
A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
    Do I want one?  God Forbiddie!

        -- Ogden Nash
%%
Who made the world I cannot tell;
'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
I never soiled with such a deed.

        -- A. E. Housman
%%
Families, when a child is born
Want it to be intelligent.
I, through intelligence,
Having wrecked my whole life,
Only hope the baby will prove
Ignorant and stupid.
Then he will crown a tranquil life
By becoming a Cabinet Minister

        -- Su Tung-p'o
%%
The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for
lists of "Ten Best".
        -- H. Allen Smith
%%
we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
we will cry over things we used to laugh &
our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile
creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
in the end a summer with wild winds &
new friends will be.

%%
Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine,
a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
respect.  And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
then they  put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine...
        -- Stanislaw Lem
%%
When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
corners as bodies of a lower grade...
        -- Stanislaw Lem
%%
Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
out, and such as are out wish to get in?
        -- Ralph Emerson
%%
The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue,
a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to
the contrary, nohow.
%%
Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
    Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we
    can.  Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
%%
"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
as it is to invent. (R. Emerson)"
        -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
           (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
           [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
           misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"]
%%
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
%%
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
%%
The great masses of the people . . . will more easily fall victims to a
great lie than to a small one.
                -Adolph Hitler
%%
Pay no attention to what the critics say; there has never been set up a
statue in honor of a critic.
                -Jean Sibelius
%%
Every crowd has a silver lining.
                -Phineas Taylor Barnum
%%
A cynic is just a man who found out when he was about ten that there wasn't
any Santa Claus, and he's still upset.
                -James Gould Cozzens
%%
The devil was the first democrat.
                -Lord Byron
%%
I don't call them Democrats and Republicans.  There are only Liberals
and Americans.
                -James Watt
%%
Vegetarianism is harmless enough, although it is apt to fill a man with
wind and self-righteousness.
                -Sir Robert Hutchison
%%
I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I speak the truth, and
they never believe me.
                -Conte Camillo Benso di Cavour
%%
Modern diplomats approach every problem with an open mouth.
                -Arthur J. Goldberg
%%
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
                -George Jean Nathan
%%
It is inexcusable for scientists to torture animals; let them make their
experiments on journalists and politicians.
                -Henrik Ibsen
%%
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
%%
It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that
you would lie if you were in his place.
                -Henry Louis Mencken
%%
It is twice as hard to crush a half-truth as a whole lie.
%%
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves
up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
                -Sir Winston Churchill
%%
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging
their prejudices.
                -William James
%%
Nothing you can't spell will ever work.
                -Will Rogers
%%
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
%%
"So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple
pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops
its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very
imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies,
and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top,
and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the
gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots."
        -- Samuel Foote
%%
Hi there!  This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
%%
Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
    1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
    2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
    3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
        first two laws.
%%
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
    Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
    equipment ruined.
%%
Boren's Laws:
    1)  When in charge, ponder.
    2)  When in trouble, delegate.
    3)  When in doubt, mumble.
%%
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
    When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
%%
Rudin's Law:
    If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
    do it every time.
%%
Bucy's Law:
    Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
%%
Hacker's Law:
    The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
    a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
%%
Probable-Possible, my black hen,
She lays eggs in the Relative When.
She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
Because she's unable to postulate how.
        -- Frederick Winsor
%%
Vail's Second Axiom:
    The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
    amount of work already completed.
%%
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
%%
"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
the only ashtray."
%%
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
    He must be a communist.
And a beard and long hair,
    Must be a pacifist.

    What's in that pipe that he's smoking?

        -- Arlo Guthrie
%%
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it
        -- G. B. Shaw
%%
Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
        -- Howard Kandel
%%
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
%%
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
people.
        -- Dolph Sharp
%%
Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly
thrust into somebody's pocket.
%%
You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
freedom and liberty.
        -- Henrick Ibson
%%
Wit: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
by leaving it out.
%%
Yield to Temptation...it may not pass your way again.
        -- Lazarus Long
%%
I like work...
I can sit and watch it for ours.
%%
Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.
%%
"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
we could with both of them."
        -- Major Major's father
%%
Crime does not pay...as well as politics.
        -- A. E. Newman
%%
Keep you Eye on the Ball,
Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
Your Nose to the Grindstone,
Your Feet on the Ground,
Your Head on your Shoulders.
Now...try to get something DONE!
%%
Love is a word that is constantly heard,
Hate is a word that is not.
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
Love, I have read, is hot.
But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
And Love but a drug on the mart.
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
        -- Ogden Nash
%%
Magpie: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it
might be taught to talk.
%%
Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday...
        -- Walt Kelly
%%
Democracy is also a form of worship.  It is the worship of Jackals by
Jackasses.
        -- H. L. Mencken
%%
Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
periods of fighting.
%%
NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe?  Everything he
    says is wrong.
GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
    will be right.
        -- G. B. Shaw
%%
People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
haven't what they want that they don't want it.
        -- Ogden Nash
%%
Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
%%
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.  I
believe everything positively stinks.
        -- Lew Col
%%
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
get your Feet wet.  Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
face.
%%
Recieving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
        -- Dolph Sharp
%%
The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
showed that all had these things in common:
    1)  They all had moderate appetites.
    2)  They all came from middle class homes
    3)  All but two of them were dead.
%%
Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.
        -- Ogden Nash
%%
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny--
    Did you ever try buying then without money?

        -- Ogden Nash
%%
Confucius say too much.
        -- Recent Chinese Proverb
%%
Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with
a tempest of words.
        -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Fats Loves Madelyn
%%
Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
        -- W. C. Fields
%%
"Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
        -- W. C. Fields
%%
A dozen, a gross, and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
    Divided by seven,
    Plus five time eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
%%
Who's on first?
%%
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
society.
        -- Mark Twain
%%
We really don't have any enemies.  It's just that some of our best
friends are trying to kill us.
%%
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
        -- Art Hoppe
%%
The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
%%
"The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble acturiety
and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted
activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy...neither
its pipes nor its theories will hold water."
%%
There's little in taking or giving,
    There's little in water or wine:
This living, this living, this living,
    Was never a project of mine.
Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
    The gain of the one at the top,
For art is a form of catharsis,
    And love is a permanent flop,
And work is the province of cattle,
    And rest's for a clam in a shell,
So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
    Would you kindly direct me to hell?

        -- Dorothy Parker
%%
"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling
keys..."
%%
The ladies men admire, I've heard,
Would shudder at a wicked word.
Their candle gives a single light;
They'd rather stay at home at night.
They do not keep awake till three,
Nor read erotic poetry.
They never sanction the impure,
Nor recognize an overture.
They shrink from powders and from paints...
So far, I've had no complaints.
        -- Dorothy Parker
%%
    THEORY
Into love and out again,
    Thus I went and thus I go.
Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
    Well and bitterly I know
All the songs were ever sung,
    All the words were ever said;
Could it be, when I was young,
    Someone dropped me on my head?
        -- Dorothy Parker
%%
My own dear love, he is strong and bold
    And he cares not what comes after.
His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
    And his eyes are lit with laughter.
He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
    Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
My own dear love, he is all my world --
    And I wish I'd never met him.
%%
My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
    And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
    And the skies are sunlit for him.
As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
    As the fragrance of acacia.
My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
    And I wish he were in Asia.
%%
My love runs by like a day in June,
    And he makes no friends of sorrows.
He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
    In the pathway or the morrows.
He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
    Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
My own dear love, he is all my heart --
    And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
%%
If I don't drive around the park,
I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
If I'm in bed each night by ten,
I may get back my looks again.
If I abstain from fun and such,
I'll probably amount to much;
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.
        -- Dorothy Parker
%%
    FIGHTING WORDS
Say my love is easy had,
    Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
Say I am too often sad --
    Still behold me at your side.

Say I'm neither brave nor young,
    Say I woo and coddle care,
Say the devil touched my tongue --
    Still you have my heart to wear.

But say my verses do not scan,
    And I get me another man!
        -- Dorothy Parker
%%
    COMMENT
Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Roumania.
        -- Dorothy Parker
%%
    INVENTORY
Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.

Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.

Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.

Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
%%
The Abrams' Principle:
    The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
%%
"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces..."
%%
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
%%
Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known
as Wheels.
%%
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
%%
He who Laughs, Lasts.
%%
Now and then, an innocent man is sent to the Legislature.
%%
Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
pens will multiply instead of disappear.
%%
"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."
%%
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
%%
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
%%
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
        -- Mae West
%%
Famous last words:
%%
You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
%%
Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
opinion.
%%
Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
himself a pleasure.
%%
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
        -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not
well enough to lend to.
        -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
ourselves.
%%
Adore: To venerate expectantly.
%%
Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
separately plunder a third.
%%
Alone: In bad company.
%%
Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a
left.
%%
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
%%
Anoint: To grease a king or other great functionary already
sufficiently slippery.
%%
Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
getting drunk.
%%
Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather
we are having.
%%
Her locks an ancient lady gave
Her loving husband's life to save;
And men -- they honored so the dame --
Upon some stars bestowed her name.

But to our modern married fair,
Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
No stellar recognition's given.
There are not stars enough in heaven.
%%
Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.
%%
Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
%%
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
%%
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption
from the cares of office.
%%
Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
a man's head.
%%
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
        -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Critic: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
to please him.
%%
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.
%%
Deliberation: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side
it is buttered on.
%%
Distress: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
%%
A lady with one of her ears applied
To an open keyhole heard, inside,
Two female gossips in converse free --
The subject engaging them was she.
"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
As soon as no more of it she could hear
The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
"I will not stay," she said with a pout,
"To hear my character lied about!"
        -- Gopete Sherany
%%
Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
%%
While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
safe, for you can watch both of his.
%%
Garter: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
stockings and desolating the country.
%%
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery
of another.
%%
Hatred: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
superiority.
%%
Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
expound your own.
%%
Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
%%
Hippogriff: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half
griffin.  The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and
half eagle.  The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter
eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.  The study of
zoology is full of surprises.
%%
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
and praiseworthy...
        -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Please ignore previous fortune.
%%
Impartial: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
conflicting opinions.
%%
...but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
and were a scourge to mankind.
 The evidence (including confession)
upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable.
 The judges' decisions based
on it were sound in logic and in law. 
Nothing in any existing court
was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
sorcery for which so many suffered death.  If there were no witches,
human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
        -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
Incumbent: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
%%
Interpreter: One who enables two persons of different languages to
understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
%%
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
        -- Disraeli
%%
You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
        -- J. D. Salinger
%%
Please take note:
%%
"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
        -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston
%%
Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
Violators will be prosecuted.
(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
%%
You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
        -- Alfred Kahn
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gy-ro-scope: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and
also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
        -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
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Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
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The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
The goal of nature is to build better mice.
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Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
you should.
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United Nations, New York, December 25.  The peace and joy of the
Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of
all the military forces of the world.  Panic reigns in the hearts of
all the patriots of every persuasion.

Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
world.
        -- Isaac Asimov
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A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
superstition, and art into pedantry.  Hence University education.
        -- G. B. Shaw
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Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
sense from things she found in gift shops.
        -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
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Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.
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Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
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If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four
tellers?
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Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
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Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
Let me clue you in;
I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser.
The cool Brutus
Gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
So are they all, all cool cats, --
Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
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Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the double lock will keep;
May no brick through the window break,
And, no one rob me till I awake.
%%
Did you know...

That no one ever reads these things?
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Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
The Duke is fond of kittens
He likes to take their insides out
And use them for his mittens
    From "The Thirteen Clocks"
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An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
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f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
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A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
        -- Prof. Steiner
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"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."
        -- Ashleigh Brilliant
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"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
        -- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
guarantee of eventual success.
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"Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST..."
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    ...But among the children of the Great Society there were
those whose skins were black.  And lo!  Their portion was niggardly,
and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat...
    Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
they called him King.  And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
people go to the front of the bus."
    But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass.  When ye shall prove
yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
unto a snowball in Hell."
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NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
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$3,000,000
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It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the
problem.
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77.  HO HUM -- The Redundant

------- (7)    This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
--- --- (8)    boredom.  Your programs always bomb off.  Your wife
------- (7)    smells bad.  Your children have hives.  You are working
---O--- (6)    on an accounting system, when you want to develop
---X--- (9)    the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER.  You give up hot dates
--- --- (8)    to nurse sick computers.  What you need now is sex.

Nine in the second place means:
    The yellow bird approaches the malt shop.  Misfortune.

Six in the third place means:
    In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
    Revenue Service.  Great Dragons!  Are you in trouble!
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Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
(Nick-les Worth).  Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
Americans call him by value.
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The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
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If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
you won't get any ice.  If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
ice, but no cup.
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Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
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Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
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Those who can, do.  Those who can't, simulate.
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Those who can't write, write manuals.
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