Adult Image Library 1/Adult_Image_Library_Volume_1.iso/stories/better.txt

Text File | 1996-04-15 | 14KB | 315 lines

Ive been seeing lots of requests for the old beer is better posts
so here they are along with (for the women folk of course) all
about cucumbers.

======================but first=======================
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class about the difference between
right and wrong.

"All right children, let's take another example," she said.  "If I were to
get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would
I be?"

A little girl raised her hand, and said, "You'd be his wife."
======================its true its true====================


      25 GOOD REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN

     1.  You can enjoy a beer all month long
     2.  Beer stains wash out
     3.  You don't have to wine and dine beer
     4.  Your beer will always wait patiently for you in
         the car while you play baseball
     5.  When you beer goes flat, you toss it out
     6.  Hangovers go away
     7.  A beer lables come off without a fight
     8.  Beer is never late
     9.  Beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer
    10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always
        pick up a beer
    11. Beer never gets a headache
    12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth
        5 cents
    13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have
        another beer
    14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good
        head
    15. A beer always goes down easy
    16. You can have more than one beer a night and not
        feel guilty
    17. You can share a beer with your friends
    18. You always know you're the first one to pop a
        beer
    19. Beer is always wet
    20. Beer doesn't demand equality
    21. You can have a beer in public
    22. A beer doesn't care when you come
    23. A frigid beer is a good beer
    24. You don't have to wash a beer before it taste
        good
    25. If you change beers you don't have to pay
        alimony



86 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN

1.  A beer makes life easier.
2.  A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
3.  A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
4.  A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
5.  A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're
    not hungry.
6.  A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.
7.  A beer will never expect you to sit in the wet spot
    IT makes.
8.  A beer doesn't care if you go shopping.
9.  A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
10. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less
    complaining.
11. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.
12. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either.
13. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
14. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
15. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
16. A beer will never smell like a man.
17. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car.
18. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
19. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
20. A beer doesn't sulk.
21. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
22. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
23. A beer doesn't have to sleep with the windows open.
24. A beer doesn't snore.
25. A beer can't interrupt.
26. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
27. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
28. A beer doesn't belch.
29. Or fart.
30. A beer doesn't mind having pantyhose dry in the bathroom.
31. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
32. A good beer is easy to find.
33. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.
34. A beer can't pout.
35. A beer doesn't have a mother.
36. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink your beer.
37. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
38. A beer won't get jealous if you enjoy another beer.
39. A beer won't even mind if you have another six pack.
40. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
41. A beer won't care if you gain five pounds.
42. A beer will be there for anytime of the month.
43. A beer doesn't want children.
44. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
45. A beer isn't ready until you're ready.
46. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
47. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
48. Hangovers go away.
49. A beer tastes good.
50. Having a beer doesn't make you want to take a shower.
51. A beer would never leave hair in the bottom of the bathtub.
52. A beer is never late.
53. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
54. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series.
55. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers'
    quarterback.
56. A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
57. A beer would never make fun of your new outfit.
58. A beer never needs a shave.
59. You don't have to let a beer win.
60. A beer doesn't care what toppings you get on the pizza.
61. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you
    have to sleep with a beer too.
62. A beer doesn't have morning breath.
63. A beer never wants to go to the drag races.
64. A beer is happy to go where ever you want to go.
65. A beer helps with the houswork.
66. A beer will never drink the last beer.
67. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
68. You can't get herpes from a beer.
69. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
70. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
71. A beer is seldom messy.
72. When a beer is finished, it doesn't roll over and go to sleep.
73. After you've had a beer, all you're committed to doing is
    throwing out the container.
74. A beer container is recyclable.
75. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
76. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe". Or "Sugar".
77. A beer is never tempermental.
78. A beer will never complain about your cooking.
79. A cold beer is a good beer.
80. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
81. A beer will never worry about losing its hair.
82. A big, fat beer is nice to have.
83. A beer is never too sensitive.
84. A beer won't steal the covers.
85. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
86. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.







> 1. A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't matter.
> 2. A cucumber won't need to be sucked off.
> 3. A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
> 4. A cucumber won't lie to you about having a vasectomy.
> 5. A cucumber won't want to come on your face.
> 6. A cucumber won't fall asleep too soon.
> 7. A cucumber won't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
> 8. A cucumber won't make you sleep on the wet spot.
> 9. You won't find out that a cucumber is: married
>                                           on penicillin
>                                           trying to screw your sister.
>10. A cucumber won't grab cash from your purse while you're asleep.
>11. A cucumber won't come home late, stinking of beer.
>12. A cucumber won't run off with a cheerleader or an ex-nun.


And don't forget:

All cucumbers are fresh and juicy.
You can keep as many cucumbers as you want.
Your mother won't flip out finding a cucumber in your house.
Cucumbers don't jam the freezer with food you don't like.
Cucumbers don't stay up until 4 and then demand that you take
    care of them when they get sick.
But on the other hand, cucumbers stay up ALL THE TIME.
Cucumbers don't mind if you enjoy them and a movie at the same time.
Nobody calls you a bigot for having a favorite kind of cucumber.
The cucumbers you raise don't desert you.



*************************************************************************
Why a cucumber is better than a man


- the average cucumber is at least seven inches long
- cucumbers stay hard for a week
- a cucumber won't tell you size doesn't count
- cucumbers don't get too excited
- a cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety
- cucumbers are easy to pick up
- you can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket
- ... and you know how firm it is before you take it home
- you only eat cucumbers when you feel like it
- no matter how you slice it, you can always have your cuke and eat it too
- you can have as many cucumbers as you can handle
- cucumbers can get away any weekend
- with a cucumber you can get a single room
- ... and you won't have to check in as "Mrs." Cucumber
- a cucumber will always respect you in the morning
- you can go to movie with a cucumber ... and see the movie
- at a drive-in, you can stay in the front seat
- a cucumber can alwsays wait until you get home
- a cucumber won't eat all the popcorn or send you out to get Milk Duds
- a cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival
- a cucumber won't ask "Am I the first?"
- cucumbers don't care if you are a virgin
- cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin
- cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin
- with cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once
- cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall
- cucumbers don't have sex hangups
- cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bad with your boots on
- cucumbers aren't into leathers and chains, talking dirty, or swinging
  with fruits and nuts
- cucumbers never need a round of applause
- cucumbers won't ask:
    Am I the best?
    How was it?
    Did you come?  How many times?
- cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynecologist, ski/tennis instructors
- a cucumber won't want to join your support group
- a cucumber never wants to improve your mind
- cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations
- cucumbers won't ask about your last lover or speculate about your next one
- a cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in
  the refrigerator
- a cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over
- no matter what age group you are in, you can always get a fresh cucumber
- cucumbers can handle rejection
- a cucumber won't pout if you have a headache
- a cucumber won't care what time of the month it is
- a cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet
- with a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry
- cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on
  the pillow
- cucumbers won't give you a hickey
- cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot
- Afterwards, a cucumber won't:
    want to shake hands and be friends
    say, "I'll call you a cab."
    tell you he's not the marrying kind
    tell you he is the marrying kind
    call his mother, ex-wife, or therapist
    take you to confesion
- cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month
- a cucumber won't make you go to the drugstore
- cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for him
- a cucumber a day keeps the ob-gyn away
- a cucumber won't work your crossword with ink
- a cucumber isn't allergic to your cat
- with a cucumber, you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the
  flu season
- cucumbers never asnwer your phone or borrow your car
- a cucumber won't consume all your food or liquors
- a cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library
- cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest
- a cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray
- cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor
- cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub
- a cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet
- a cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower
- with a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it
- cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold
- cucumbers can't count to "10"
- cucumbers don't tell you they like you better with longer hair
- a cucumber will never leave you
    for another woman
    for another man
    for another cucumber
- a cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late, honey." and then
  come home with the smell of Channel No. 19 on him
- a cucumber never snaps your bra, or pinches your butt
- you always know where YOUR cucumber has been
- you won't find out later that your cucumber:
    is married
    is on penicillin or have AIDS
    likes you, but loves your brother
- a cucumber never has to call "the wife"
- cucumbers never have mid-life crisis
- a cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move
- cucumbers never have to tell you what they did while on vacation
- cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do
- a cucumber won't wear shorts to your office party
- you don't have to wait until halftime to talk to your cucumber
- a cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve
- a cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy blonde
- cucumbers never want to take you home to mom
- a cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with your family
- a cucumber won't ask to be put through Medical school
- a cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually
- cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers
- a cucumber won't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy."
- a cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised catholic, jewish, or
  orthodox vegetarian
- it's easy to drop a cucumber
- a cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement,
  or seek custody of anything

===========================================================================
And last by not least:
Why can't todays women become sucessful carpenters?
Because all their lives they've been told that this
|-------------------------------------------------|  is 12 inches


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