Adult Image Library 1/Adult_Image_Library_Volume_1.iso/stories/bathroom.txt

Text File | 1996-04-15 | 30KB | 664 lines

  ** 001
 The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first
visit home since starting college. "Mom, I have to tell you," the girl
confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend." "I'm not surprised," said her
mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic
and pleasurable experience."  "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked.
"The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore."

** 002
"Adam," the heavenly voice called to the Garden of Eden,
     "what did you and Eve do today?"
     "We ate some fruit, Lord," Adam said reverently.
     "Did you eat of the forbidden tree?" asked God.
     "Yes, Lord, we did," Adam confessed.
     "And then what did you do?" God asked.
     "We made mad, passionate love all afternoon."
     "Where is Eve now?" the Lord bellowed.
     "She's down at the brook washing herself out."
     "Oh, no," the Lord moaned." Now all the fish are going
     to smell like that!"

** 003
Q: How does a Mexican know when it's time to eat again?

A: His asshole stops burning.

** 004
Two guys wandered into a bar. One of the men shouted to the
barkeeper,"Hiya, Mike. Set 'em up for me and my pal here."
Then he turned to his slightly dim partner and boasted,
"This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the
house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back
are free!"
"That's not so great,"responded the friend. "There's a bar
across town That'll match you drink for drink, and you can
get laid in the back for free."
"Where is this place?" the first guy exclaimed.
"Oh, I don't know," the dim fellow replied, "but my wife
goes there all the time."

** 005
An Israeli was sitting between two Arabs on a long airplane
flight. He had just removed his shoes and gotten comfortable
when one of the Arabs nudged him and said,"Hey, Jew, go get
us some orange juice." To avoid any trouble, the Israeli
did so. When he left, both Arabs spit in his shoes.
The Israeli came back with the juice, which the Arabs
gulped down. The rest of the flight was uneventful. The
plane landed, and the Israeli put on his shoes and felt the
squishing inside. He turned to the Arabs and said,"If there
is ever going to be peace in the Middle East, the Arabs will
have to stop spitting in the shoes of Jews, and the Jews
will have to stop pissing in the Arabs' orange juice."

** 006
Three doctors were talking about the amazing things being
done in medicine. The first said,"Six weeks ago a man came
in after losing a hand in an accident just as a car crash
victim was brought in dead on arrival. I took a hand from
the dead man and sewed it on the worker's stump, and today
he's out looking for a job."
The second physician said,"That's not so amazing. Six months
ago I gave a blind man a pair of dead man's eyes, and today
he's out looking for a job."
The third doctor said,"Neither of those cases tops this one.
A year and a half ago we took an asshole out of California,
put it in the White House, and today everybody is out
looking for a job."

** 007
A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and
found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept
mumbling and studying something in his hand. The
attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object
up to the light,slurring "Well, it looks like plastic." Then
he rolled it between his fingers,adding,"But it feels like
rubber."   Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have
there mister?"   The drunk stammered,"Damn if I know, but it
looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
The lawyer said,"Let me take a look." And the drunk handed
it over. The attorney rolled it between his thumb and
fingers, then examined it closely. "Yeah, it does look like
plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is.
Where did you get it anyway?"
The drunk replied, "Outa my nose."

** 008
Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a pig?
A: Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.

** 009
Q: How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat?
A: When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo

** 010
Q: What's the difference between black pussy and a bowling ball?
A: You can eat a bowling ball!

** 011
With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner
was suddenly illuminated. "Who turned on the fucking
lights?" a male passenger, who had been surly since
boarding, snarled at a stewardess.
The girl had had enough of this particular character."These
are the breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced
sweetness. "The fucking lights are much dimmer, and you
snored right through them."

** 012
"Brace yourself, Mr. Cassidy," the physician told the
patient on whom he had performed a battery of costly tests.
"You have approximately six months to live."
"But I don't have insurance, doctor," said Cassidy, "and I
can't skimp and save enough to pay you in that time!"
"All right, all right," soothed the medical man. "Let's say
nine months, then."

** 013
Three women - a German, a Jew and a Polack - all gave birth
to seven-pound baby boys at the same time. The nurses got
the babies mixed up somehow and couldn't tell which baby
belonged to which mother. After an hour of mass confusion
the father of the German baby decided he'd settle the
problem. He walked into the nursery and lined up the three
infants in a row. He clicked his heels, raised his arm and
shouted, "Heil Hitler!" The German baby snapped to
attention, the Jewish baby shit, and the Polack baby played
in it.

** 014
Even though a fellow was late for his flight, he dashed into
the airport men's room, pissed,and quickly headed for the
door. At one of the sinks a Marine sergeant was washing his
hands. The Leatherneck called to the man, "Hey, buddy,
in the Marine Corps they teach us to wash our hands after
going to the bathroom."
The fellow stepped back into the men's room and looked at
the Marine. "Well, I was in the Navy, Sarge, and they taught
us not to piss on our hands!"

** 015
A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his
arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing
with the chimp. "I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no
children; so he's going to live with us just like one of
the family. He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even
sleep in the same bed with me and my wife."
"But what about the smell?" the friend asked.
"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did."

** 016
Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his
best friend asked him how it went. "The first night we did
it nine times," Bill said."The second night, eight times.
The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six times.
The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times,
and the last night, nothing!"
"Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?"
"Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"

** 017
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat
next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was
plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin
was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his
newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the
disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father,
what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your
fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his
paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged
the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How
long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

** 018
Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.
"Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy
said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"
"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is
compliment her. Chicks love to be complemented. You'll have
her in the palm of your hand."
About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black
eye. "Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.
   "I took your advice."
   "Didn't you compliment her?"
   "sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told
her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She
liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I
told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm.
She like that too."
  "It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.
  "Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went
wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried
to think of another compliment."
  "What did you say?"
  "For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."

** 019
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist
capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators
kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old
beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are
there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for
years!"  "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming
leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the
guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."

** 020
A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las
Vegas and how hard it was to get any sleep. "I was awakened
at one, two and four in the morning by a drunk chorus girl
banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
"That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any
sleep?"   "At five o'clock I finally unlocked the door and
let her out," the gambler laughed.

** 021
Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers
after a large meal. "Your wife makes a delicious roast,"one
chief said. "Thanks," his friend said."I'm gonna miss her."

** 022
From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was
intensified by the fact that the fellow was too insensitive
and ego-ridden to realize it. The moment of truth came in
the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and
whispered, "Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I
can slip you nine inches?"
There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said, "You
know, I really don't think you could get it up three times
in a row!"

** 023
After a wild freeway chase, the motorcycle cop waved the
speeding sports car over to the curb. When he walked up to
the drivers window, he was surprised to find a very
attractive redhead behind the wheel. "Ma'am," he said ."I'm
afraid we're going to have to give you a Breathalyzer test
to see whether or not you've been drinking."
The test was taken and as the officer eyed the results, he
said, "Lady, you've had a couple of stiff ones."
"That's amazing!"the girl cried."You mean it shows that,too!"

** 024
The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the
evening, as they were beginning to undress each other in his
apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further,
Charmaine, tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I
should take into account in bed?"
"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have
a foot fetish -but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."

** 025
Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to
help me obtain a divorce. My husband is getting a little
queer to sleep with."
"What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you
to indulge in unusual sex practices?"
"No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer."

** 026
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's
lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him
severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared,
"just as I do at the dinner table."
 Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his
rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is
that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile."
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
 "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you
 be so kind as to please pass the pussy."

** 027
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided
to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time
they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the
gorilla looking at his wife.
"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits,"
he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see
what he does?" At first she declined. But finally persuaded by
her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went
nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. "Hey," the
husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes
and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her.
This time theape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars,
did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all
over the cage. The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and
pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband, "tell that
motherfucker you have a headache!"

** 028
Marge was getting pretty upset about her husband's lack of
attention and decided to come on a little stronger to him.
After dinner, she put on her sexy, backless nightgown
backward and sauntered into the living room.
"Notice anything?" she asked slyly.
"Yes, you've got your nightgown on backward," her husband answered simply.
"How could you tell?" she cooed.
 "Because the shit stains are in the front," he said.

** 029
Q: What's dangerous & eats nuts?
A: Syphilis.

** 030
After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was
waiting in the doctor's office for the results.
"Well," said the doctor, "I have good news and bad news for you."
"The way I feel, please give me the good news first" replied
the bachelor.
The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis
has grown an additional four inches since your last exam."
"Great!" the man shouted. "What is the bad news?"
"It's malignant," replied the doctor.

** 031
Question: Why wasn't Christ born in Mexico?
Answer: Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.

** 032
A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The
local drunk saw this and asked, "Say there, whatcha doin'
with that pig?"
"That's not a pig, stupid!" she said coldly."That's a duck."
"I know," replied the drunk. "I was talking to the duck."

** 033
Did you know that computer sales persons are so full of shit
that if they had an enema they could be buried in a shoe box!

** 034
Three guys - a Frenchman, a German and a Polack, were
sitting in a bar. In walked a mean looking black guy looking
for a fight. He sat down, ordered a beer, took a drink, went
over and slapped the Frenchman and said, "I like fucking white women."
The Frenchman looked at him and thought,"Well,that's great."
Then the big black guy went over to the German, hit him on
the shoulder and said, "I like fucking white women." The
German looked at him and said, "Good for you."
The black guy sat down and took another drink of his beer.
He got up, walked over to the Polack and belted him on the
back, then said, "I like fucking white women." The Polack
sat and thought for a second and finally said, "I don't
blame you. I don't like fucking those black ones either."

** 035
A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's
terms. When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic
hair. The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all
women have wool down there."
The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"

** 036
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with
the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she
whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy."
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and
said, "Sit with my wife. You two have alot in common."

** 037
A foxy young lady was having trouble keeping boyfriends
after the first date, so she decided to go to a doctor to
find out what the problem was. The doctor asked her to take
off her clothes and lie on the examining table. He checked
her pussy and, finding nothing wrong, asked her to roll over
and spread her ass. After checking her asshole and again
finding nothing wrong, he told her to sit up so he could
examine her mouth.
Upon looking into her mouth he exclaimed, "You've got the
worst case of Zacklies I've ever seen!"
"Zacklies?" she said, puzzled. "What's that?"
"Your mouth smells zackly like your ass!"

** 038
A drunk was trying to make time with a pretty girl at a
cocktail party, but she wasn't having any part of him...
especially the part he had in mind. After a while, to show
his contempt for her, he inquired loudly, "Tell me, dear,
what happens when whores get pregnant?"
Amused, she answered, "Don't tell me you still think your
mother found you under a cabbage leaf!"

** 039
Two men were walking in the park when they came upon this
dog that had bent itself into a weird position and was
licking its balls. One man said, "Gee! I wish I could do
that." The other man replied, "I think you better get to be
friends first."

** 040
After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party
was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What
the hell happened?" "As usual, you made an ass of yourself
in front of your boss," replied the wife.
"Piss on him," answered the husband.
"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said the husband.
"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."

** 041
Upon answering the door to her whorehouse, the madam was
surprised to see an amputee.  "Look at yourself," the madam
said, "no arms, no legs, what could you possibly do?"
The amputee replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

** 042
Did you hear about the new daredevil, Ku Klux Knievel?
He's going to try to jump over 50 blacks with a steamroller!

** 043
This fellow was screwing his best friend's wife when he
suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his
head in his hands.
"What the hell has happened to you?" the lady asked.
"I feel like a regular son of a bitch, getting my best
friends pussy," the man moaned.
The lady reached over and patted him on the back. "Well, if
that's all it is, you can stop worrying," she said. "You're
not getting his pussy. His pussy is five to six inches deeper."

** 044
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating
peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his
mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a
question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in
his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in
only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for
assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried
and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go
out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After
being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he
could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved
two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and
daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The mother said to the
young man, "That was wonderful. You should be a doctor!"
The ungrateful father jumped up, twisted the boy's arm
behind his back and yelled, "Doctor, my ass! He's going to
be our son-in-law. Smell his fingers!"

** 045
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and
went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse.
fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's
confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The
mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German
Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show
someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife
but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed,
and covered her head with the blanket.
"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell
you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"

** 046
Three men of the cloth - a Catholic priest, a Baptist
minister and a Rabbi -were counting collections taken during
services for the week. They were trying to come up with an
equitable way to divide the money between God (the two
churches and one synagogue) and themselves (the clerics'
weekly income). The priest was the first to speak: "I know
what! I'll draw a line down the middle of the sanctuary, toss
the money up in the air, and whatever falls on the right side
of the line is for God and whatever falls on the left side is for us."
The Baptist minister cried, "No! No! No! I'll draw a circle
in the middle of the sanctuary, toss the money up in the
air, and whatever falls inside the circle is for God and
whatever falls outside the circle is for us."
The Rabbi then asked the two other men to accompany him
outside. There he offered this suggestion: "What I would do
with the money is this: Toss it up in the air, and whatever
God catches is His and whatever falls on the ground is ours."

** 047
Two Polacks purchased a bird dog. They took the dog out to
give it a try. After a long while one Polack said to the
other, "Well, we'll throw him up in the air one more time.
If he doesn't fly, we'll shoot the son of a bitch!"

** 048
During a big fire downtown the firemen were having a bit of
trouble. A woman was stuck on the fourth floor with her
baby. The fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out
the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused.
Things looked grim until a tall, well-built black man burst
through the crowd and shouted to the women. He said that he
was a professional football player and that he could catch
the baby safely. After a few minutes more of reassurances by
the man, the mother finally let the child drop.
The football player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody
cheered. At that moment the man suddenly raised the child
high in the air, spiked it on the ground and screamed, "Touchdown!"

** 049
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he
approached the desk, the receptionist asked "Yes sir,may we
help you?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't
come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please
go outside and come back in and say that there's something
wrong with your ear or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with
your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.

** 050
Tired of the boring "straights" she'd been laying, a chick
decided she'd find out if bikers were really the heavy
"cocksmen" that she heard they were. So she picked up a
gigantic bro and went went with him up to his pad. Stripped
and ready, anxiously awaiting some real action, she was
astonished to see that his fully erect crank was only two
inches long.
"Who," she demanded scornfully,"do you think you're gonna
satisfy with that?"
Grinning confidently, the bro replied,"Me!"

** 051
The common symptoms of swine flu are: High fever, upset
stomach, occasional cramps and an irresistable urge to fuck in the mud.

** 052
Question: How do you kill an Aggie?
Answer: Sneak up on him while he's getting a drink of water,
then slam the toilet seat on his head.

** 053
At a football game two Texans were seated behind two nuns.
One Texan said to his friend, "I can't wait to get back to
Dallas. There are only ten Catholics there."
His buddy replied, "I can't wait to get back to Houston.
There are only five Catholics there."
Finally, one of the nuns commented, "You both should go to
hell! There aren't any Catholics there!"

** 054
One day a farmer caught a traveling salesman making love to
his youngest daughter. Yelling "You son of a bitch!" he shot
the amorous salesman in the groin with a .12-gauge shotgun.
The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a
doctor. He found one, but the physician took one look at the
man's perforated pecker and told him that nothing could be
done for him.
"Oh, please do something," begged the salesman. "I'm a rich
man and can pay you anything."
"Sorry, son," said the doctor. "There's nothing I can do.
However, there's a man across the street who might be able to help."
"Oh? Is he a specialist?" asked the salesman.
"No," said the doctor, "he's a piccolo player. He'll teach you
how to hold it without pissing in your face."

** 055
There was a fellow who had never been to bed with a woman,
so two of his friends decided to play a trick on him. They
bought an inflatable love doll and put it into his bed. Then
called him at work and told him the girl of his dreams was
home in bed and ready for anything.
The next day his friends asked him how things had gone.
"Very strange," he replied. "I slipped out of my clothes and
got in beside her. She was cold, so I tried to warm her up.
Then I bit her on the neck, but she just farted a few
times and flew out the window!"

** 056
A conductor, while taking tickets on the train, noticed a
lady with a small and extremely ugly baby on her lap.
"Lady," the conductor said, "that is by far the ugliest baby
I have ever seen."
The woman, horrified by the conductor's comment, began
screaming at him, and demanded that her money be refunded
and the conductor be fired.
The head conductor then came into the car and tried to
smooth things over.
"Listen, lady," he said, "if you will forget all about this
matter, I'll see that you get the best treatment possible,
I'll give you your money back, and I'll even try to find you
a nice, ripe banana for that monkey of yours."

** 057
Three elderly women, recently transplanted from the
Northeast to a Florida retirement community, were getting
acquainted at poolside. Inevitably, their conversation
turned to children.
"My son is the most successful doctor on Park Avenue,"
announced one.  Not to be outdone, the second remarked, "My
son is the most successful lawyer on Wall Street."
The third remained conspicuously silent. Sensing easier
game, the first matron inquired, "And you, dear, do you have
a son?"
"And is he a professional?" demanded the second.
"Well, not exactly," answered the third. "Actually, he's a
plumber. And not only that, he's gay."
Beaming, one of the poor woman's interrogators offered
consolation: "Ah, he's not doing so well."
This time it was the third woman who smiled. "He's not doing
too badly," she explained. "He goes out with the most
successful doctor on Park Avenue and the most successful
lawyer on Wall Street."

** 058
An Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in an
old Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women.
Walking into the local saloon he asked a cocky shitkicker,
"What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?"
"Ya mean women?" asked the shitkicker. "We ain't got none.
'Round here folks fuck sheep."
"That's disgusting," cried the correspondent, "I've never
heard of such moral degredation."
However, after a few months, the correspondent's rocks were
beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more
attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a
comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her
and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of
champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and
released his pent-up frustrations.
Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon
for a drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate
entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple
became the object of many stares.
"You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled.
"You've been fucking sheep for years, but when I do it up
right you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!"
One cowboy in the back of the crowd spoke up, "Yeah, but
that's the sheriff's gal!"

** 059
Did you hear about the computer salesman with two red ears
who went to the doctors office? The doctor asked him what
had happened to his ears. "I was ironing a shirt and the
phone rang," answered the salesman. "But instead of picking
up the phone I picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Damn," the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But then, what
happened to your other ear?" The salesman replied, "Whoever
it was called back."

** 060
A grungy old lumberjack, in town for the first time in
weeks, went to the local brothel and demanded the roughest,
toughest and meanest girl in the house. "That'll be Mary,"
said the madam. "Go to Room Four, and I'll send her up."
"Fine,"said the lumberjack,"and tell her to bring a couple
of beers."  In due time, Mary appeared. She put the two
bottles of beer on the floor, took off her negligee,
positioned herself on her hands and knees and pointed to her
pussy. "No! No!" exclaimed the lumberjack. "In the bed, the
old-fashioned way!"  "Sure,pal," grunted Mary, "but I
thought ya might want to open them beers first."

--