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Text File  |  1997-01-16  |  5KB  |  103 lines
  1. 06501030403800
  2. 1
  3. 2#
  4. F0110030
  5. 9[...................................................]011
  6. Ç
  7. üIfOperatingSystemsWereBeers...
  8. Ç
  9.  
  10. üDOSBeer:
  11. ÇRequiresyoutouseyourowncanopener,andrequiresyoutoread
  12. thedirectionscarefullybeforeopeningthecan.Originallyonly
  13. cameinan8-oz.can,butnowcomesina16-oz.can.However,the
  14. canisdividedinto8compartmentsof2oz.each,whichhaveto
  15. beaccessedseparately.Soontobediscontinued,althoughalot
  16. ofpeoplearegoingtokeepdrinkingitafterit'snolonger
  17. available.
  18.  
  19. üMacBeer:
  20. ÇAtfirst,cameonlya16-oz.can,butnowcomesina32-oz.can.
  21. Consideredbymanytobea"light"beer.Allthecanslook
  22. identical.Whenyoutakeonefromthefridge,itopensitself.
  23. Theingredientslistisnotonthecan.Ifyoucalltoaskabout
  24. theingredients,youaretoldthat"youdon'tneedtoknow."A
  25. noticeonthesideremindsyoutodragyouremptiestothe
  26. trashcan.
  27.  
  28. üWindows3.1Beer:
  29. ÇTheworld'smostpopular.Comesina16-oz.canthatlooksalot
  30. likeMacBeer's.RequiresthatyoualreadyownaDOSBeer.Claims
  31. thatitallowsyoutodrinkseveralDOSBeerssimultaneously,but
  32. inrealityyoucanonlydrinkafewofthem,veryslowly,
  33. especiallyslowlyifyouaredrinkingtheWindowsBeeratthe
  34. sametime.Sometimes,forapparentlynoreason,acanofWindows
  35. Beerwillexplodewhenyouopenit.
  36.  
  37. üOS/2Beer:
  38. ÇComesina32-ozcan.DoesallowyoutodrinkseveralDOSBeers
  39. simultaneously.AllowsyoutodrinkWindows3.1Beer
  40. simultaneouslytoo,butsomewhatslower.Advertisesthatitscans
  41. won'texplodewhenyouopenthem,evenifyoushakethemup.You
  42. neverreallyseeanyonedrinkingOS/2Beer,butthemanufacturer
  43. (InternationalBeerManufacturing)claimsthat9millionsix-
  44. packshavebeensold.
  45.  
  46. üWindows95Beer:
  47. ÇYoucan'tbuyityet,butalotofpeoplehavetaste-testedit
  48. andclaimit'swonderful.ThecanlooksalotlikeMacBeer's
  49. can,buttastesmorelikeWindows3.1Beer.Itcomesin32-oz.
  50. cans,butwhenyoulookinside,thecansonlyhave16oz.ofbeer
  51. inthem.MostpeoplewillprobablykeepdrinkingWindows3.1Beer
  52. untiltheirfriendstryWindows95Beerandsaytheylikeit.The
  53. ingredientslist,whenyoulookatthesmallprint,hassomeof
  54. thesameingredientsthatcomeinDOSbeer,eventhoughthe
  55. manufacturerclaimsthatthisisanentirelynewbrew.
  56.  
  57. üWindowsNTBeer:
  58. ÇComesin32-oz.cans,butyoucanonlybuyitbythetruckload.
  59. Thiscausesmostpeopletohavetogooutandbuybigger
  60. Çrefrigerators.ThecanlooksjustlikeWindows3.1Beer's,but
  61. thecompanypromisestochangethecantolookjustlikeWindows
  62. 95Beer's-afterWindows95beerstartsshipping.Toutedasan
  63. "industrialstrength"beer,andsuggestedonlyforuseinbars.
  64.  
  65. üUnixBeer:
  66. ÇComesinseveraldifferentbrands,incansrangingfrom8oz.to
  67. 64oz.DrinkersofUnixBeerdisplayfiercebrandloyalty,even
  68. thoughtheyclaimthatallthedifferentbrandstastealmost
  69. identical.Sometimesthepop-topsbreakoffwhenyoutrytoopen
  70. them,soyouhavetohaveyourowncanopeneraroundforthose
  71. occasions,inwhichcaseyoueitherneedacompletesetof
  72. instructionsorafriendwhohasbeendrinkingUnixBeerfor
  73. severalyears.
  74.  
  75. üAmigaDOSBeer:
  76. ÇThecompanyhasgoneoutofbusiness,buttheirrecipehasbeen
  77. pickedupbysomeweirdGermancompany,sonowthisbeerwillbe
  78. animport.Thisbeerneverreallysoldverywellbecausethe
  79. originalmanufacturerdidn'tunderstandmarketing.LikeUnix
  80. Beer,AmigaDOSBeerfansareanextremelyloyalandloudgroup.
  81. Itoriginallycameina16-oz.can,butnowcomesin32-oz.cans
  82. too.Whenthiscanwasoriginallyintroduced,itappearedflashy
  83. andcolorful,butthedesignhasn'tchangedmuchovertheyears,
  84. soitappearsdatednow.Criticsofthisbeerclaimthatitis
  85. onlymeantforwatchingTVanyway.
  86.  
  87. üVMSBeer:
  88. ÇRequiresminimaluserinteraction,exceptforpoppingthetopand
  89. sipping.Howevercanshavebeenknownonoccasiontoexplode,or
  90. containextremelyun-beer-likecontents.Bestdrunkinhigh
  91. pressuredevelopmentenvironments.Whenyoucallthemanufacturer
  92. forthelistofingredients,you'retoldthatisproprietaryand
  93. referredtoanunknownlistinginthemanualspublishedbythe
  94. FDA.RumorsarethatthiswasoncelistedinthePhysicians'
  95. DeskReferenceasatranquilizer,butnoonecanclaimtohave
  96. actuallyseenit.
  97.  
  98.  
  99. PS
  100. TheauthorforgotaboutüCP/MbeerÇ,whichisthenameforthe
  101. ancientbeerfoundinthecatacombsoftheEgyptianpyramids.
  102.  
  103.