#"For us believing physicists, the distinction between past, present and future is only an illusion, even if a stubborn one."
Albert Einstein
#"The greatest delight is to mark one's enemy, prepare everything, avenge oneself throughly, and then go to sleep."
Joseph Stalin to L.B. Kamenov, 1923
#I got caught cheating on a metaphysics exam today. I was looking into the girl's soul.
#"Nature is as complex as it needs to be, and no more"
Albert Einstein
#"In sciencethere is only physics; everything else is stamp collecting"
Ernst Rutherford
#"Sum, cogito ergo: cogito ergo sum-
F. W. Nietzsche
# Our talents are more appropriate for seperation than for binding together, for specializing than for generalizing..."
Journal of Popular Culture "The Theory-Methodology Complex" by Ray B. Browne
#"just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand "
Homer J.Simpson
#Our vanity desires that what we do best should be considered what is hardest for us.
Nietzsche, _Beyond_Good_and_Evil_ (1886), 143, tr. Walter Kaufmann
#Be careful who you piss off...you never know which one might be more of a psychotic homicidal maniac than you are...
#"Children today are tyrants. they contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers."
Socrates, 470BC - 399BC
#"Is man one of God's blunders, or is God one of man's?"
Nietzsche (1844-1900)
#"It is more important to remember than to understand. I like it."
-Dr. Jonathan Westphal on Rote Learning
#Time exists so everything doesn't happen at once.
Space exists so everything doesn't happen to you!
#"Withought music life is a mistake."
-Friedrich Nietzsche
#" 'You know,' said Arthur, 'it's at times like this, when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeus, and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space, that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young.'
'Why, what did she tell you?'
'I don't know, I didn't listen.' "
-Douglas Adams from 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy'
#"The most merciful thing in the world is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents."
--HP Lovecraft
#"There is no hunting like the hunting of man...and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter."
--Ernest Hemingway
#"Who is this ravishing, exquisite combination of .... stuff?"
-Chris Elliott
#"Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and just think to yourself, `I am just full of hot gas`?"
David Letterman to Rush Limbaugh, 1994
#When you're at a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is, Do you press charges?
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
#This Philosophy paper is confusing!
It's Philosophy, it's supposed to be confusing!
#Try, try again, then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
W.C. Feilds
#I see reason has failed......
THEREFORE IT'S TIME TO RESORT TO SENSELESS VIOLENCE!!!
#"The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination. But the combination is locked up in the safe."
Peter DeVries
#Life is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved.
#Trespassers will be shot
Survivors will be shot again
#"Sympathy is between shit and syphilis in the dictionary."
R. McGinley. (Provided by Jamie Neufeld)
#"I hate to advocate drugs,alcohol,violence,or insanety to anyone, but they've always worked for me"
H.S.Thompson
#You haven't really experienced something until you've dipped into an obsession.
#Think about your life, write it down on a piece of paper. And flush it down the toilet.
--Martin Atkins
#"The problem is that you haven't seen enough movies.
All of life's riddles are answered in the movies."
Davis (Steve Martin) in Grand Canyon
#"Hollywood makes hundreds of movies every year. This is one of them!"
-Crow, on the movie poster for "MST3K--The Movie"
#"Somebody ought to spank that monkey"
-Crow, MST3K
#"Great merciful crap! My Car!"
-Homer Simpson
#"He looked up at the sky, which was sullen, streaked and livid, and reflected that it was the sort of sky that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse wouldn't feel like a bunch of idiots riding out of."
-- Douglas Adams, "Mostly Harmless"
#"You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."
-- Mark Twain
#I am narcaleptic of Borg, prepare to.....*SNORE*...
#I'd like to die with a beer in one hand and a quarter-pounder in the other.
#"Life is chaos without the source codes"
Joy Ebel
#You know that it doesn't matter if you're heterosexual or homosexual - if you're not getting any, you're not getting any.
#"One can divide mankind into two categories - The Hamlets, who think without acting, and the Don Quixotes, who act without thinking."
Ivan Turgenev
#"It is the ultimate battle between vaguely evil and mildly ambiguous!"
MST3K
#This is Happy Fun Ball...are you a participant or a target?
#The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science.
-Albert Einstein
#"You've raised three kids who can ambush and hog-tie a complete stranger. I think that's something to be proud of."
Marge to Homer Simpson, loosely quoted
#"Hell is other people"
Sartre
#"It is by Caffiene alone that I set my mind in motion --
It is by the Beans of Java that my thoughts acquire speed --
The hands acquire shakes; the shakes become a warning --
It is by Caffiene alone that I set my mind in motion..."
#Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.
# "I am... hurting!"
Ren, from the Space Madness episode
#Perfection is a flaw...
#The purpose of our exsistence is to define the purpose of our lives...
# Everything to excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks.
#It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
#One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
#Sex should be friendly. Otherwise stick to mechanical toys; it's more sanitary.
Robert A. Heinlein
#To love someone is not just a strong feeling-
it is a decision, a judgement, it is a promise.
#"An Irishman is forced to talk to God, if he wants to converse with his equal."
-- Steven, Braveheart
#The battle of the sexes will never be won; there is too much fraternizing with the enemy.
#... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
#"As undergraduates, you realize that cleaning is very cost-ineffective, and why would you bother?"
#"If you're salt-deficient, you'll go lick the sweat off your significant other...there are other physiological drives that will cause the same behavior."
#"They've got drive-by shootings in Philadelphia now. Where they park to reload, I don't know."
#On Siamese Fighting Fish: "They're beautiful, they're elegant, they're vicious as hell...there's a real life lesson here somewhere."
#"If I could go through the dorms and shoot people, exam pressures would be put into perspective."
#"As you approach 4.0, study time approaches infinity."
#On Oprah Winfrey's income: "$83 million? Oprah and I do basically the same thing. Stand in front of people and abuse them."
#On 'the totally suffering individual' (i.e. no food, no oxygen, no water, no self-esteem, no safety, no friends, no money, sick and in pain, etc.) "You can't do this with people, which takes all the fun out of life."
#"20 scared-out-of-their-gourds 3 or 4-year olds is an example of what I'd like to do to some of you who are really getting on my nerves."
#"In the spirit of today, when I'm handing out the exams, we're going to further examine the totally suffering individual."
#"No beer? I think that comes under 'sick and in pain.'"
#"We're going to talk about sex--you're going to talk about sex, because I can't remember."
#"The only sense I can make out of having kids is it's a good way to become a grandparent."
#"Men stare at those parts of the female anatomy which carry the subcutaneous fat necessary for childbearing and lactation. This is not news."
#"Look at this [dollar bill], for those of you who haven't seen [one] before."
#"If money stopped buying things, I'd lose interest in it."
#On fear-reduction techniques and how they can be used to make a bad relationship last: "If I could use these techniques as well as I can explain them, do you think I'd be here? And if I was here, I'd look a lot more tired and happy."
#"They don't let us beat students anymore, but my fantasy life is my own business."
#"Supposedly, it is possible to score goals [in field hockey]. However, this rarely happens because hitting people is so positively reinforcing."
#"Usually shooting a professor in the head ticks them off, but sometimes they'll say 'Thank you.'"
#"At 100,000 feet up, you're talking serious, _serious_ long underwear and oxygen."
#"I've been in the academic world a long time...I can sleep with my eyes open, which is an important skill for those of you considering jobs in middle and upper management."
#"I learned to put the [toilet] seat down...it makes you look like a warm, caring, sensitive human being."
#"You bring someone home, say 'Hi, Mom, this is so-and-so,' she immediately knows everything except which side of the bed he sleeps on."
#"She's human...well, she's a lawyer, but reasonably human."
#"We're going to assume a few things about reality. One, it exists. That's not a necessary assumption, but I find it comforting."
#"There are a lot of reasons to skydive. It does take your mind off your problems."
#"There was some brilliant work done with rats, which makes it scientific."
#"There are two universes: for males, and for females."
#"In the US, males are a minority and should be treated and protected as such."
#"Most divorces are just a four-year-long date with a little bookkeeping."
#"Happily ever after...there are some people who have achieved that, for the moment."
#"Is another way to put this 'All men are crazy?'"
#"I may be more of a romantic than some of you, so feel free to throw up if you have to."
#"Let's assume the semester's over, so dying is a bad thing."
#"A college professor is someone smart enough to get a Ph.D., but too crazy to make a living."
#"There's a large amount of evidence saying that the man's point of view is largely irrelevant."
#"Sean Connery is the sexiest man alive? Was I on the list?"
#"You watch a talk show recently? They're doing one next month on a normal, happy heterosexual couple, assuming they can find one."
#I'M AN IDIOT. And I don't give a damn about my future.
#"Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now."
Chapter 18 _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ -
#If you hear plunk! zzzzzzzzzzt! it means I probably dropped the phone in the john.
#"Mmmm....Cyberporn...."
---Homer Simpson
#This study used only men and measured their sexual arousal....
It's much easier to measure mens sexual arousal than womens.
#He who begins too much, Accomplishes little.
-German Proverb
#Female : "What do you do here?"
Duckman: "I look at breasts.... and... I'm a detective.
But mainly the breast thing."
#Don't assume I'm there when I very well could be barking at the dog
#If something that was green, slimey and had 400 legs were to come crawling up underneath the door, sit down at my desk and ask us to play chess with it, it would be considered human--because it was capable of rational thought. Mind you, I don't think that it is going to happen, but if it did....
#"If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world."
--Wittgenstein
#"Please do not shoot at the thermal nuclear weapons."
John Travolta -Broken Arrow-
#"the pen is greater than the sword"
"but the sword has a longer reach"
#"Don't be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much of life. So aim above morality. Be not simply good; Be good for something."
-Thoreau
#Good things come to those who wait...however, it is usually that which is left behind by those who hustle.
--anonymous
#True love only happens once in a lifetime. The downer to this theory is you probably won't know when it happens
#Save water... Drink BEER!!
#From now on, the only reason we do anything is to enhance reproductive success.
#Sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic...
-Arthur C. Clarke I think...
#Sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from technology...
-unknown
#"Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win."
-- Jonathan Kozol
#In life two wrongs don't make a right, but in traffic, three rights make a left...
#First came the Vikings, then the Normans and the Saxons. They all found Ireland irresistable. So, just think how much you'll enjoy it here...especially since you'll be the only one of the lot that we actually invited!
--some tourism commercial for Ireland
#"Everybody seeks happiness! Not me though! That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!"
**silence**
"The problem with you Hobbes is that you're always at a loss for words."
"I've found that saves many a friendship."
-Calvin and Hobbes
#"I should be doing my homework now." "But the way I look at it, playing in the snow is a lot more important." "Out here I'm learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life."
"Such as?"
"Procrastinating and rationalizing."
-Calvin and Hobbes
#"People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use."
-- Kierkegaard
#Q stopped and said to them casually, "I just want you to realize that I'm revealing the secrets of the universe to you. Don't file this away in the same section of your tiny little minds along with tiny little trivialities such as recipies for banana walnut bread, or memories of the first time you experienced intercourse."
--Q, in Q-Squared, by Peter David
#Oh better far to live and die,
under the brave black flag I fly,
than play a sanctimonious part,
with a pirate head and a pirate heart.
#The Four types of People...
The glass is half full.
The glass is half empty.
Half full, no, half empty, no, uh, What was the question?
Hey, I ordered a pizza!"
The Far Side
#The Most Valuable Of All Talents Is That Of Never Using Two Words When One Will Do.
Thomas Jefferson
#"What did you shoot today Ty ?"
"Oh, I don't keep score, Judge."
"ah, well then... how do you measure yourself against other golfers ?"
"By height."
Chevy Chase and Ted Knight in CADDYSHACK
#"Why don't you play with us, Ty... Doctor Beeper is club champion 4 years running, and uh, I'm no slouch myself."
"Don't sell yourself short, Judge... You're a tremendous slouch."
Chevy Chase and Ted Knight in CADDYSHACK
#...and if you have any questions about anything, come on up and ask me. Even if I don't know the answer, I'll make something up and you'll believe me.
#Advice is what you ask for when you know the answer but wish you didn't.
#"I knew it. I knew you guys would take something sweet and innocent like the circus and turn it into a dark carnival of the soul."
Joel addressing Tom and Crow on MST3K
#Because you are here, you are not there. However, cherish the time you spend here, for when you are there, you will no longer be here.
#"There are only three perfect men in the world...two of them are gay, and the third is the subject of intense cloning research in Japan."
-Sunny McCaslin *grin*
#"Do not let a woman, wiggling her behind, and flattering and coaxing, take you in. She wants your barn."
--Hessiad, 4th century B.C.
#"Politics is like football; you have to be smart enough to play the game, but dumb enough to think it really matters."
-Chad Miller
#"Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things:
One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth. And you should save it for someone you love."
--Butch Hancock
#"what are you and who are you doing here?"
--doc, in snow white and the seven dwarfs
#Remember the best swimmers drown.
#"It has come to the attention of the management that employees are falling asleep on the job. This practice must stop, as it is impossible to distinguish death from the natural movement of the staff. From this point on, all employees found dead in an upright position will be dropped from the payroll immediately."
#"Kiss me fat boy!!"
The Clown in Stephen King's _It_
#Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
#"Come, my brothers, join me in this glorious bloodbath!"
#"I have a plan so cunning you could pin a tail on it and call it a weasel!"
- Rowan Atkinson, Blackadder III
#Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
-Woody Allen
#Sorry. I thought you were dead.
#You have to research, write, research, write. The hardest papers to do are the ones that have to come part out of your ass, part out of your mind. You can't just pull the whole thing out of your ass.
#They say, "Hey, you look great." That means you looked like Hell before.
-- Richard Nixon
#I used to be a good student, until I turned 10, and my mind began to wander...
#"given the fact that we're all going to die, what's the point in learning about integers?"
-calvin
#That is the biggest fool thing we have ever done. The atomic bomb will never go off, and I speak as an expert in explosives.
- Adm William Leahy, 1945
#How many boards would the Mongols horde, if the Mongol hordes got bored?
- Calvin
#"Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine-gun."
-Matt Groening
#Women are superior to men......To bad we own everything!
--Tim Allen
#"Theirs is not to reason why, theirs is just to do and die.
Alfred Lord Tennyson "The Charge of the Light Brigade"
#Once opon a time men where admired...no respected for their ability to hack people up...now its considerd very antisocial behavior.
#never make fun of a short man, he'll kill you.
-the notebooks of lazarus long
#"Oh, the wonderful thing about Tiggers
is Tiggers are wonderful things.
Their tops are made of rubber,
and their bottoms are made of springs.
They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy,
fun, fun, fun, fun, fun.
But the most wonderul thing about
Tiggers is that I'm the only one!"
---R. and R. Sherman
#A miss is as good as a ......... Mister
#Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and ..... You have to blow your nose
#A penny saved is ...... Not much
#He who marries for money...... Better be nice to his wife
#When the blind leadeth the blind ...... Get out of their way
#If at first you don't succeed .......... Get new batteries.
#Smile and the world smiles with you.
Fart and you stand alone.
#"What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you, which given your current circumatances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer."
- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" Radio Show
by Douglas Adams
#"Some people come into our lives and quickly go, but others stay a while, leave footprints on our hearts and we are never, never the same."
-Flavia Weedn
#"No child has ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived."
--Sideshow Bob
#"Insanity adds spark and sponteniety to life"
Dragon Magazine
#Outside of a dog, man's best friend is a good book....
........inside of a dog...well, it's too dark to read!!
-Groucho Marks
#People are stupid......I wish I had a baseball bat and no conscience
#"The average man is more interested in a woman who is interested in him than he is in a woman - any woman - with beautiful legs."
-- Marlene Dietrich
#jolly ranchers come and go but asbestos is forever.
#spam is immortal.
#guns don't kill people..assholes with guns kill people.
#There are two categories of cliff divers. There's grand champion and stuff on a rock.
#"Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup."
#"I always tell young men there are three rules: They hate us, we hate them; they're stronger, they're smarter; and most important: they don't play fair."
- Jack Nicholson
#"And Christians, you're over here. I'm afraid that the Jews were right. Now, are there any questions. Yes?.........No, I'm afraid that we don't have any toilets. If you had read your Bibles you would have seen that it was "damnation WITHOUT relief". So, if you didn't go before you came here, you won't be happy, but then that is the point."
--Rowan Atkinson as the Devil
#There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
--P.J. O'Rourke
#"It's paranoia until it happens to you."
--some militia guy on 60 Minutes
#"That's the trouble with lunatics. You don't know that's what they are until they act."
--a random Green Beret on 60 Minutes
#"Nerve gas is not a toy."
--Bart Simpson at the blackboard
#this program brought to you by Prozac..because sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don't
--heard on a top 40 countdown on the radio tonight
#"I am dyslexic of Borg; prepare to have your ass laminated."
#"There's something about holding a gun that makes your penis grow 2 inches."
--Tom Rhodes
#See the happy moron, he doesn't give a damn. i wish i were a moron - my god! perhaps i am!'
#"If I crawl around the forest, picking up frogs and peering at their butts, I'm a lunatic. But if I record how many spots are on the butts and try to derive some sort of meaning from it, I'm a scientist."
Neil Steinberg
#Philosophers look for a black cat against a black background in a dark room which doesn't exist. Theologians find it.
#"In order to learn something, something inside you must die to make room for the new knowlege."
#Puff the Fractal Dragon was coded in C, and frolicked in the buggy lands of the Mainframe at USC...
#"I went to college to study philosophy...I think, therefore I'm single."
--Liz Winstead
#Gravity cannot be held accountable for people falling in love.
Einstein..
#Earthquakes don't kill people. Buildings do!
#Thank you for helping to make this the most successful voluntary compliance tax system in the world.
--Margaret Milner Richardson,
IRS Commissioner, 1993 1040
#You know, life is like a Mentos commecial...pointless, and having very little to do with Mentos.
#"Nature is so fecund that any careless attempt to alleviate poverty will encourage unsupportable increases in population, and would thus only exacerbate the suffering it is designed to relieve. As far as I'm concened, nature is unimprovable. Social reformers should therefore allow events to take their inevitable course and let war, disease, and starvation reap the surplus."
Thomas Malthus. 19th Cent.
Quoted by Jonathan Miller in "Darwin for beginners" (c)1982
#"Only in their dreams can men be truly free, was always thus, and always thus will be"
Dead Poets Society
#Bring the little ones unto me, and I will get a good price for them
#I've punched out a number of people in my lifetime but what is important to me is the fact that I have always been able to out run them
#There's only one thing standing between me and that property, and that's the rightful owners
#Ignorance is no excuse--it's the real thing.
#Moral number one: Never ask what hot dogs are made of...
#Normally, explosions and destruction are pretty cool, but in this case it just falls flat.
#A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wits and add drama to an otherwise dull day.
#It's not denial. I'm just very selective of the reality I accept.
Calvin
#Laws are just fiction, No where in nature does it say that if you are driving down a residential street you have to go 25 mph, heck it doesn't even say that we should be DRIVING!
#They broke the mold when they made you........
And rumor has it they beat the hell out of the mold-maker too
#Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means for going backwards.
#A man of courage doesn't need a weapon. But he may need bail.
#A person's mind begins working from the moment he/she is born until the time that you get up to speak in public.
#Some people want to achieve immortality through their works of their descendants. I prefer to achieve immortality by not dying.
#Pot is catnip for people.
#Time and alcohol heal all wounds.
#A Ship in harbor is safe,
But that is not what ships are for...
#Definition of Irony: An atheist proving the existence of God
#"An armed society is a polite society."
Robert A. Heinlein
#He who controls the spice, controls the universe!
Frank Herbert
#Fear is entirely in your head, so forget your head and you will be free
#"That's bigamy."
"Yes and it's big of me, too. It's big of all of us. I'm sick and tired of these conventional marriages. One woman and one man was good enough for your grandmother. But who wants to marry your grandmother?"
Groucho Marx
#Do not study for the test....study to learn...
#I feel the need to blow something up in a really fiery manner.
#"What God wants, God gets...God help us all"
Roger Waters
#"That thing is equipped with a 20 megaton fission/fusion nuclear warhead. Do you realize what one of those things can do; suck the paint off your house and give your family a permanent orange afro."
Dan Akroyd "Spies Like Us"
#"Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me! I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen."
Steven Wright
#"Great Spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."
Albert Einstein
#"If fire fighters fight fire, and crime fighters fight crime, what do FREEDOM fighters fight?"
George Carlin
#"Calm down, boy. There's to be no autopsy. We're just gonna cut off her head and drive a stake through her heart. Now go tell him..."
Dr. Van Helsing
#"Never let school interfere with an education. "
Mark Twain
#"Fortune favors the brave"
Terence
#Fortune favors the foolish
#"Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once."
Shakespeare, Julius Caesar
#Men and nations act rationally only after all other options are exhausted.
#"You don't point a gun at somebody unless you're prepaed, justified, and willing to kill that son of a bitch."
G. Gordon Liddy
#"I think, therefore I am"
Descartes
#I forgot, therefore I am not
#She said "I'm a nymphomaniac and I only get turned on by Jewish cowboys. By the way, my name's Diane." I said "Hello, Diane, I'm Bucky Goldstein"
Steven Wright
#"If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell."
Jack Mortranin
#"That which does not kill me only makes me stronger"
Nietzsche
#Nice guys finish last
#That which does not kill me is a mess when I'm through with it.
#If at first you don't succeed ....try a bigger gun!
#As you slide down the banister of life, remember me as a sliver up your butt!
#Playing the blues isn't about feeling better, baby, --it's about making everyone else feel worse...
#We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much with so little for so long that we are qualified to do anything with nothing.
#If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, try taking better care of your own side.
#People who are religious are afraid of going to hell, people who are spiritual have been to hell.
#Never go to a doctor, whose office plants have died
#And the truth is, we don't know anything.
#Just because you're paranoid don't mean they're not after you.
#A little self-delusion is healthy
#There are moments when everything turns out right. Don't let them alarm you; they pass.
#If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
#I don't want the world - I just want your half
#After all, what is a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.
#Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.
Fran Lebowitz
#"All the world's a stage, and the play is badly cast."
Oscar Wilde
#In the bureacracy, any individual who thinks for herself is considered a hooligan, or a smartass, or know-it-all, or a trouble-maker.
#"If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts"
Albert Einstein
#Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
#Look for the ridiculous in everything and you will find it.
#An American never insults on purpose. An Englishman never insults on accident.
#"It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you to the heart; the one to slander you and the other to get the news to you."
Mark Twain
#Sex isn't the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
#Wanting to become a leader is to know enough evil to understand most other evils.
#The reason we became parents is so we could tell kids what to do. Without that, we're just the tallest people living here!
Tim Allen
#He who laughs last didn't get the joke
#Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
#We are the people our parents warned us about.
#...school teachers, taking them by and large, are probably the most ignorant and stupid class of men in the whole group of mental workers.
The Philosophy of Friedrich Nietzsche, p.217
#Figure skating is not a sport. It's dancing on skates. When they're on the ice bumping into each other, that's a sport.
Dennis Leary
#"Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday"
Don Marquis
#"Maybe this world is another planet's Hell"
Aldous Huxley
#"Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs"
Lily Tomlin
#"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names"
John F. Kennedy
#"The only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy is its inefficiency"
Euegene McCarthy
#"I would have made a good pope"
Richard Nixon
#"Tell the truth and run"
Yugoslavian proverb
#"The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory"
Paul Fix
#The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
#"Life is what happens when you are making other plans"
John Lennon
#"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose."
Janis Joplin
#I am much too lazy to feign anything so difficult as surprise at what you'll do next.
#Q. What if I want to have sex before marriage?
A. Well then, you'll just have to be prepared to die.
Sex education, shown on CBS's , 6 Mar 94
#If it moves, kill it. If it doesn't move, kick it until it does move, and then kill it.
#Some trillions of years ago, a sloppy, dirty giant flicked grease from his fingers. One of those gobs of grease is our universe on its way to the floor.
#Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off.
#"What is best in life? To Crush your enemies, to see them driven before you. And to have really great Beer, like Keystone."
#I'm not under the alcafluence of incahol as some thinkle peep I am, It's just the drunker I sit here, the longer I get...
#There are very few problems that aren't solved by an overabundance of sex and money.
#"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion,
butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnett,
balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take
orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze
a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal,
fight efficiently, and die gallantly. Specialization is for insects."
Robert Heinlein [The Notebooks of Lazarus Long]
#An optimist is someone who tells you to cheer up when things are going his way.
#It's always a tough call: Should I stay in bed all day or go out and set bad examples?
#Being weird isn't enough.
#Evian spelled backwards is Naive
#I want to die in my sleep like my father, not screaming like his passengers.
#2 rules to success in life. 1. Don't tell people everything you know.
#A Shower is the halfway point between Bed and World.
#Alcoholic: Someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
#All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
#All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy.
#An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
#Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry up is not nailed down.
#Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
#Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
#College: The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
#Commit suicide. A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.
#Diplomacy: Saying "go to hell" in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
#"Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped."
Groucho Marx
#Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
#Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail the same way.
#Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
#Genetics: Why you look like your father, or if you don't, why you should.
#God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
#Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
#Have an adequate day.
#He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
#Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#Heisenberg might have been here.
#I am a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from humans.
#I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
#I doubt, therefore I might be.
#"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. "
Groucho Marx
#I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
#If all the world's a stage, who sprung the trap door on me?
#If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
#If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
#If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
#If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
#If in doubt, mumble.
#If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway.
#If you think before you speak, the other guy gets his joke in first.
#If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
#If there is light at the end of the tunnel... ORDER MORE TUNNEL.
#It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
#"It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education."
Albert Einstein
#It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
#It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.
#Justice: A decision in your favor.
#Keep a very firm grasp on reality, so you can strangle it at any time.
#Keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead.
#Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
#Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
#Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
#Love your enemies. It will make them crazy.
#Maintain thy airspeed, lest the ground rise up and smite thee.
#Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
#Make a firm decision now... you can always change it later.
#May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
#My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
#Never, never, never *MOON* a werewolf.
#Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
#Nine out of ten people think they are above average. The rest are in therapy.
#No prizes for predicting rain. Prizes only awarded for building arks.
#Not all men who drink are poets. Some of us drink because we are not poets.
#People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw parties.
#Question Authority...and the Authorities will question you!
#Save the whales! Collect the whole set!
#Someday you will look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
#The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you have it made.
#The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
#The bureaucracy expands to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
#The number watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
#There is no idea so stupid that some professor doesn't believe in it.
#To err is human. To blame someone else for your errors is even more human.
#"What if there were no hypothetical situations?"
Andrew Kohlsmith
#You can't hear it, but the universe is laughing at you behind your back.
#You can fool some of the people some of the time, and that is sufficient.
#You're not paranoid if they're really after you...
#You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
#Life and Death are just things that you do when you're bored.
#There is a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
#Sometimes I think we are alone in the universe, and sometimes I think we are not...either prospect is frightening.
Stephan Hawking
#"Be good and you will be lonesome."
Mark Twain
#"The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights."
J. Paul Getty
#"As a circle of light increases, so does the circumference of darkness surrounding it"
Albert Einstein
#"It must be inordinately taxing to be such a boob."
Brain
#"You have the attention span of a lima bean, Pinky."
Brain
#"The good girls go to heaven, but the bad girls go everywhere!"
Meatloaf
#Statistics are like prisoners if you torture them enough they will say anything
#"Live so that your friends can defend you but never have to."
Arnold Glasow
#It's the good girls that keep diaries, the bad ones never have the time.
#Your highness, when I said that you are like a stream of bat's piss, I only meant that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is dark.
Monty Python
#So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking and racing around to come up behind you again. The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older; shorter of breath, one day closer to death.
Roger Waters, Pink Floyd, Time
#I didn't make the rules, so I don't play by them!
#"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
#"You must first stand to live, before you can sit to write."
Thoreau
#Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.
J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
#"Luke, I'm your father turn to the dark side, you knob!"
Bob Mckenzie
#"It is not I who am crazy! It is I who am MAD!"
Ren
#Stealing from one is plagarism, stealing from many is called research.
#If life is a sport....who is the referee?
#When all is said and done more is said than done
#Success is built by attitude, not aptitude.
#"I'm not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information."
Calvin
#"Wisdom is knowing, when you know nothing."
Socrates
#"Judge not, ye of glass condos, lest ye be stoned yeself...or words to that effect."
Binkley
#"By and large, most lawyers are retarded."
Dr. Nordquist, attorney at law
#"Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man wealthy, but socially dead!"
Yakko Warner
#Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy", while reaching for a brick.
#Love is like a football: You grab it, run with it, and when doubt PUNT!
#"As the great Willie Shoemaker once said,'NUTS!'"
Brain
#"One disadvantage to having nothing to do is you can't stop and rest."
Franklin P. Jones
#I was in this prematurely air-conditioned supermarket and there were all these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded that I had been avoiding the beach.
#Every jumbled pile of person has a thinking part that wonders what the part that isn't thinking isn't thinking of.
#"I said to a guy, 'What is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful?' and he said, 'Well, it intensifies your personality' and I said 'Yes, but what if you're an asshole.'"
Bill Cosby
#To lie, one must first know the truth.
#"The unexamined life is not worth living."
Socrates
#The only one who would play with me was my imaginary friend...and he beat me up!!!
#One can certainly imagine the myriad of uses for a hand-held iguana maker.
#The only thing between me and hell is the floor.
#"The truth shall set you free-
But it shall also make you miserable."
The Qu'ran
#"I don't know, but I've been told, if you never slow down, you never grow old.
Tom Petty
#You know, truth doesn't always win you friends, but it certainly influences people...
#"The truth shall set you free, but a good lie will keep you out of jail in the first place."
A. Whitney Brown
#Now I'd never dream of hitting a man when he's down...That's true, you know...Well alright...It's partly true...Okay, it's a lie.
#If you start out depressed, everything is a pleasant surprise
#I think I think, therefore I think I am.
I did not get to the top of the food chain to eat salad!
#Blessed are those who expect nothing...for they will not be disappointed.
#The greatest tragedy of life is the loss of accuracy with fully automatic weapons.
#"Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics, I can assure you mine are still greater."
Einstein
#"Solutions are not the answer."
Richard Nixon
#"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us."
Calvin
#The advantage of a classical education is that it enables you to despise the wealth which it prevents you from achieving."
Russell Green
#Guns don't kill people. Holes in a body caused by the transfer of kinetic energy from high energy projectiles kill people.
#The Long Island Iced Tea is a drink that is meant to be drunk over a long period of time...two days isn't out of the question.
#"The dead can be very useful sometimes."
Clint Eastwood
#"This is a good place. There is a lot of liquor here."
Hemingway
#Reality is merely the majority opinion...the minority opinion is called insanity.
#You're not drunk if you can lay on the floor without hanging on.
#Today is the first day of the rest of your short, brutish existence as a sentient creature before being snuffed out into utter nothingness for all eternity.
#The only way to reform some people is to chloroform them.
#"They discovered only a small asteroid inhabited by a solitary old man who claimed repeatedly that nothing was true, though he was later discovered to be lying."
Douglas Adams
#If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
#"I regret that I only have one life to give for my country. I'd feel safer if I had two or three."
Anonymous Navy Pilot
#If we know anything...if history tells us anything...it says that we can kill anyone.
#"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster."
Nieztsche
#We live in a Newtonian world of Einsteinian physics ruled by Frankensteinian logic.
#Gun control means hitting what you aim at.
#"Nieztsche was stupid and abnormal."
Tolstoy
#Some minds are not trained to think logically under any circumstances.
#When everyone is out to get you, being paranoid is just good thinking.
#The only thing more accurate than enemy fire, is friendly.
#When in doubt unload a full clip.
#Teamwork is important, it gives the ememy more targets.
#Always remember your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
#If everything seems to be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
#"Why should I memorize things I can just look up."
Einstein
#"I'm learning to live with a lot of things."
Darkman
#The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.
#Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
#If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.
#"I keep forgetting that rules are for little nice people."
Calvin
#Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
#"Silliness is the last refuge of the doomed."
Opus
#Stupidity is an elemental force for which no earthquake is a match.
You shall know the truth and it will make you mad.
#"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18."
Albert Einstein
#If the truth won't set you free.....lie!
#Common sense is not common, it's few and far between.
#Live fast, love hard, and die with your mask on.
#"This species has amused itself to death."
Roger Waters
#"Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding."
Albert Einstein
#Prejudice is stupid. There are enough reasons to hate people indiviudually.
#We're mechanics! we MAKE it fit!...
#You won't be laughing when I show up on your doorstep with a gun and a bag full of happy endings.
#Life is pain--anyone else who says differently is selling something.
The Princess Bride
#All problems have a solution. Therefore if there is no solution, there is, by defination, no problem.
#An Uzi submachine gun or an AK47 assult rifle is capable of helping almost any motivated killer become a mass murderer."
#"Every now and then I go into my own little world but its ok...they know me there"
Joel Hodgeson
#"If I could reach you, I would hurt you. "
Billy Bo Bob Brain
#All human problems can be solved thru the judicious application of dynamite.
#When things are at their darkest...its a brave man that kicks back and parties.
#If at first you don't suceed - change the rules.
#"When I examined myself, and my methods of thought, I came to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than my talent for absorbing postitive knowledge."
Albert Einstein
#If no one is screaming at you, you are making good decisions. If you start making bad decisions, the only thing you can do is drink. You just keep making decisions and drinking, making decisions and drinking. Finally someone else takes care of it. BUT be sure to have some hot towels, raw eggs, and a blacksmith's vice handy for the next morning.
#"Adults are only obsolete children"
Theodore Seuss Geisel (Dr Seuss)
#"I don't understand."
Albert Einstein
#"He was a wise man who invented god."
Plato
#Bones! More drugs! Mr Sulu, take her to warp eight! I want to see some colors.
#"Of course Vulcans do not feel the human emotions of euphoria"
"Oh, shut up and inhale Mr. Spock"
#"I'd never join a club that would have me as a member."
Groucho Marx
#The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.
#"I only drink to make other people seem interesting."
George Jean Nathan
#"So long as governments set the example of killing their enemies, private individuals will occasionally kill theirs."
Elbert Hubbard
#No no, you don't understand, it's worse than that, much worse.
#Nothing is illegal unless you get caught and then, only if you can't get out of it
#It's times like these when I remember my father's last words...'Don't son! That gun's loaded!'
#Reality is quite arbitrary and made up. Therefore, it should be used as a tool or ignored.
#"If I had to choose between a government without a newspaper, and a newspaper without a government, I would not hesistate to choose the latter."
#"I don't care Who runs the universe, as long as He keeps cranking."
Robert A Heinlein
#"I think I have enough information now. I have one fact (which I made up), by the time I add an introduction, some illustrations, and a conclusion, I will have a thesis."
Calvin
#"Thou shalt not steal...This means that you shouldn't take anything that doesn't belong to to you unless you ask the pope's permission, and give him half."
The Three Musketeers
#Reality is the first step towards insanity
#When you talk to God it's called praying.
When God talks to you, it's called schizophernia.
#Proof is just a lack of imagination.
#"What luck for rulers that men do not think."
Adolf Hitler
#Reality is just an escape for people with no imagination
#There's no government
Like no government
#Writing comes easy. It's just a matter of staring at a blank piece of paper until your forehead bleeds.
#Ignorance is bliss, and patience is a virtue, which means you can live a pretty good life if you're stupid and don't mind waiting around.
#There is no conclusive evidence of life after death. But there is no evidence of any sort against it. Soon enough you will know. So why fret about it?
Robert A Heinlein
#"No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."
Thomas Jefferson
#"You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."
Al Capone
#"It's hard to work in goups when you're omnipotent."
Q
#"A long time ago being crazy meant something. Now everybody's crazy."
Charles Manson
#The sky above was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel.
William Gibson, Neuromancer
#Reality is for those who lack imagination
#Accepting reality is the first step to insanity
#Reality is for those who can't handle role playing games
#I'm obviously NOT the designated driver.
#I have a firm grasp on what I think is reality.
#When the GM smiles, it's too late.
#Another victory for peace, justice, and automatic weapons.
#Those who call the shots, are never in the line of fire.
#"You probably think this is wierd, but I don't care. I am a happy nerd in cyberspace, where nobody can see my haircut."
Dave Barry
#You can't know what it's like to be almost a god.
#Perhaps God gave the answers to those with nothing to say.
#"I want to eat beef from only cows that smoke!"
Denis Leary
#You can't expect to wield supreme exectutive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
Monty Python
#The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon
#Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
#WKDU: More static, more of the time....
#You're listening to WKDU. No one else is, but you are.
#This is KFJC and you are listening to our hour-long music-free commercial sweep.
#WQHS. 73 on your AM dial. Or, if you have an expensive radio, 730.
#Are your friends laughing at you? Maybe it's because you are not listening to WQHS, 730 on your AM dial, on the University of Pennsylvania campus. Or maybe it's because you're ugly.
#This has been xxx at KFJC reminding you that animals are your friends, but they won't pick you up at the airport.
#WKDU: Broadcasting with TEN MILLION microwatts of POWER!
#At you're age you're eternal, you're never going to die. And for a time you never will
#People come and go in life, but they never leave your dreams. Once they are in your subconcious, they are immortal.
#Evil geniuses for a better tomorrow
#"Good, Bad....I'm the guy with the gun."
Ashe, Army of Darkness
#"Social change comes out of the barrel of a gun."
Mao Tse-tsung
#Carpe Virgo--sieze the virgin!
#Idle hands get in the way of the devil's work.
John Cleese
#Jesus died so that we could sin and still go to heaven this is a once in a lifetime opportunity don't waste it.
#Experience is a wonderful thing; it enables you to recognize a mistake everytime you repeat it.
#When you find yourself in a battle with life, lose. There are no triumphs over truth.
#Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet.
And what a large tuffet she had.
So if you feel insecure,
go sit next to her
and then you won't feel so bad.
Dot's Poetry Corner
#For the first time in a long time....everything was right in my world....and then I woke up...
#Advice is what you ask for when you know the answer... but wish you didn't.
#In the beginning there was nothing. Then God said, "let there be light." There was still nothing but at least now you could see it.
#Life and Death are just things that you do when you're bored.
#Please don't lie to me, unless youre absolutely sure I'll never find out the truth.
#Some people drink until they can't see straight.
Other people drink until they can......
#There are three kinds of people:
Those who make things happen
Those who watch things happen
And those who wonder what happened
#Truth is a flexible perception based on need.
#I have something to say to you all, and I'll say it again Friday: Please don't die over fall break.
#A madman uses his genius destructively, and a genius uses his madness constructively.
#"I was raised to be charming, not sincere."
Prince Charming, Into the Woods
#War doesn't show who's right, just who's left
#Today, we are going to talk about sex. Sex, Sex, Sex.
Monty Python, The Meaning of Life
#"When life kicks you in the tush, you best just stop and soak it."
Opus T. Penguin
#Welcome to Vermont. Now go home.
Banned bumper sticker
#"Well, guess we'll just have to shoot someone."
John Wayne
#"Women are pulled apart like fresh bread."
Joel, MST3K
#"Some might say I'm a shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a great ass!"
Cat from Red Dwarf
#The two most famous things to come out of Berkley are LSD and UNIX. I don't think that this is a coincidence."
Anonymous
#"Guido, it's all so clear to me now. I'm the keeper of the Cheese and you are the lemon merchant! Get it !!? And he knows it, that's why he has to kill us!"
Ren
#"Forget about dental records now...her teeth are chicklets."
Charlie Sheen
#"And what about your three-legged dog...What was his name? Tripod?"
Charlie Sheen
#"Pack your bags everyone, we're going on a guilt trip."
Charlie Sheen
#"Are you crazy?"
"Yes...Yes I am."
Pilot &; Charlie Sheen
#I'm going to first laugh, then kick your head in.
#"What you wish is irrelevant. What you have chosen is at hand."
Mr. Spock, Star Trek 6
#"A soldiers duty is not to die for his country. It's to make the enemy soldier die for HIS country."
Patton
#I'm not real smart, but I can lift heavy things.
#So, really, if you decide to jump out of a building that's taller than 5 stories, your just wasting your time.
#God keeps watch over idiots and small children
"A girl like that could put steam in a man's stride."
Jack Nicholson, Batman
#May the dark forces get confused on the way to your house.
#"Reality is an illusion sustained by those who put limits on their imaginations."
Schonhardt
#"There is no rest for the wicked...Even the very, very wicked."
Douglas Adams, Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul
#"You tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is never try."
Homer Simpson
#Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and you'll pee less.
#"You are all WEIRDOS."
Sam the Eagle
#It's not beer, it's weapons-grade plutonium cleverly hidden in Budweiser cans.
#"One of the advantages of being disorderly is constantly making exciting discoveries."
A.A. Milne
#"Darling, a true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best. At other times you can be as modest and dignified as your personality requires."
Robert A. Heinlein, Notebooks of Lazarus Long
#"Oh my beloved ice-cream bar...how I love to lick your creamy center...and your oh so nutty chocolate covering..."
Ren
#Always remember pillage before you burn.
#Life is not too short...Its just that you're dead for so long.
#"Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people and for the people."
Oscar Wilde
#"Star Trek is the ultimate family. The head guy sits in the coolest chair in front of a big screen TV telling everyone else what to do."
Tom Rhodes
#"The word 'spine' is an anagram for 'penis'. This is true in almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged down in silly puns about 'standing erect'."
Douglas Adams, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
#I'm not crazy, I'm merely entertaining the thought of going insane.
#"Devil Bunny! I snort the nose, Lucifer! Banana! Banana!"
Milo, Bloom County
#Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
-Albert Einstein
#We are here on earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, i don't know.
-W.H. Auden
#If Jesus was Jewish, how come he has a Mexican name?
#Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
-Emo Philips
#Man was predestined to have free will.
-Hal Lee Luyah
#There are few problems in life that wouldn't be eased by the proper application of high explosives.
#It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
-Ovid(43 B.C.-A.D.18)
#I have seen the truth and it doesn't make sense.
#My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
-Steven Wright
#I am at two with nature.
-Woody Allen
#Men are superior to women, for one thing they can urinate from a speeding car.
-Will Durst
#His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
-Mae West
#Men! You can't live with them and you cant:
1. Dip them in batter for tempura,
2. Use them for collateral on a loan,
3. Put in new batteries.
#Any young man who is unmarried at the age of twenty-one is a menace to the community.
-Brigham Young
#If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
-Dave Barry
#Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
-Oscar Levant
#I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
-Emo Philips
#I'm dating a woman now, who evidently is unaware of it.
-Garry Shandling
#Is sex better than drugs? That depends on the pusher.
#I wouldn't let him touch me with a ten-foot pole.
-Mae West
#Some are born to greatness, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust within them.
-Hal Lee Luyah
#Warning signs that your lover is bored.
1. Passionless kisses.
2. Frequent sighing.
3. Moved, left no forwarding address.
-Matt Groening
#Babies don't need vacations, but I still see them at the beach.
-Steven Wright
#We had a quicksand box in our yard. I was an only child, eventually.
-Steven Wright
#I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
-Emo Philips
#My father was frightened of his father, I was frightened of my father, and I am damned well going to see to it that my children are frightened of me.
-King George V
#If a child shows himself to be incorrigible, he should be decently and quietly beheaded at the age of twelve lest he grow to maturity, marry, and perpetuate his kind.
-Don Marquis
#Where there's smoke, there's toast.
#If you don't take care of your body, where will you live?
#We've upped our standards, up yours.
-Campaign slogan by Pat Paulsen.
#Baseball would be a better game if more third basemen were hit in the mouth with line drives.
-Dan Jenkins
#Baseball is a game that got it's name from the type of field it is played on. A baseball field.
-Alfred Hitchcock
#I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia, let them walk to school like I did.
-Another thing never said by Yogi Berra
#Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
-Dave Barry
#If you're going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
- Saturday Night Live
#Jake liked his women the way he liked his kiwi fruit; sweet yet tart, firm-fleshed yet yielding to the touch, and covered with short, brown, fuzzy hair.
-Entry in San Jose State's Bad Writing Contest
#JFK--The Man and the Airport.
-Somebody's suggested book title.
#Nebraska is proof that Hell is full, and the dead walk the earth.
-Liz Winston
#Texans are proof that the earth is populated by aliens.
-Cynthia Nelms
#Not as bad as you might have imagined.
-Motto suggested for New Jersey by Calvin Trillin
#Preferable to Youngstown.
-Motto suggested for Akron, Ohio by Calvin Trillin
#If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of twenty-two, it would have changed the history of music...and of aviation.
-Tom Stoppard
#If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't go to yours.
#I really didn't say everything I said.
-Yogi Berra
#Palm Springs University--More than 100 degrees available.
#Prejudices save time.
-Robert Byrne
#There are some things only intellectuals are crazy enough to believe.
-George Orwell
#If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
-Steven Wright
#Familiarity breeds children.
-Mark Twain
#"Who's Bob?" What to reply to a person who says, "I'm so confused, Bob."
-John Grimes
#When I think over what i have said, I envy dumb people.
-Seneca (4 B.C.-A.D.65)
#Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life.
-Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah
#"Power doesn't corrupt absolutely, it instead gives corrupted people absolute power"
-- Xavier Pendragon
#"Nonsense, gentlemen, I have not yet begun to defile myself.
#"He's over there...walkin' on water."
Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday..."Tombstone."
#"There is probably no more terrible instant of enlightenment than the one in which you discover your father is a man -- with human flesh."
--Dune, Frank Herbert
#"Deserves death! I daresay he does. Many that live deserve death. And some die that deserve life. Can you give that to them? Then be not too eager to deal out death in the name of justice, fearing for your own safety. Even the wise cannot see all ends."
--The Two Towers, J.R.R. Tolkien
#"Ding Dong! Another brilliant idea from the people who brought you beer milkshakes!"
- Red Dwarf, 'Confidence and Paranoia'
#"Thank god I've always avoided persecuting my enemies"
---Adolph Hitler
#"Old age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill."
"We live in a society where pizza gets to our houses faster than the police do!"
