Included in the archive are two very different versions of Bat & Ball, the first is an arcade version and the second is a fantasy role-playing adventure.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE ARCADE VERSION:-
Don't let the ball pass your bat.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE FANTASY ROLE-PLAYING ADVENTURE:-
THE STORY SO FAR...
The year is 1996, though I suppose you already knew that. The very evil Count Blueball from Transylvania (just north of Watford, near 'The Bite Is Right' motorway cafe) is creating a new monster. A bit strapped for parts, he's been forced to compromise on which pieces of body he steals. He's already used the body of a dead donkey, dropped from a great height to its death by a television company. The brain was removed from a, still living, Tory MP who unfortunately didn't notice, as did none of his fellow ministers. This gave the absolutely wicked Count extra time to plan the theft of the final piece of the monster's body, the final piece to which the truly malicious Count was unwilling to compromise on.
GAME PLAY:-
You play the role of Batman, and it is your mission to prevent the extremely spiteful Count from getting anywhere near Lynford Christie's lunchbox. At the start of your adventure you'll find yourself outside Lynford's local gym where he's in training for his next press interview. The totally sinful Count will try to gain access to the gym by posing as a starting-block salesman. It's up to you to convince him that Lynford's not interested. The best way to achieve this is by telling him that Lynford won't like the colour, and then he'll have to go away and fetch another one. You can also press on any of the invisible command buttons to activate actions, or you can save your game at any point in the game by quickly drawing a picture of the screen, although an easier way of doing this, if you aren't short on memory, is to memorise it. Finally, you'll know the game is over when you feel you've had enough.
CONTROLS FOR THE ARCADE VERSION:-
Left and right arrow keys.
CONTROLS FOR THE FANTASY ROLE-PLAYING ADVENTURE:-
Left and right arrow keys.
THINGS TO WATCH OUT FOR:-
You may notice that the ball sometimes does not react in the way nature intended. For instance, you might find that it does not bounce off an object at the assumed equal-but-opposite angle, this is due to the fact that, as with most other ball games, Bat & Ball is played outdoors and therefore the wind can alter its course. Another peculiarity you may encounter is that the ball bounces back very acutely, even to the extent that it bounces back on itself, this is caused by a, yet undiscovered law of physics which, when it is discovered, will be known as Warped-Leaping.
Suffice to say, follow the ball carefully with your bat.
KNOWN PROBLEMS:-
1. The greed and envy inherent in man.
SOLUTION:- None.
2. Finding parking spaces in inner-city areas.
SOLUTION:- Get a bicycle.
HISTORY:-
A subject dealing with the past.
COMPATIBILITY:-
Bat & Ball has been extensively tested on a number of machines. The only problem I encountered was on a Bendix Twin-Spin Automatic, where the game absolutely refused to run. I managed to solve the problem by changing the setting to 'Warm Wash/30 Degrees' and then from the options menu selected 'Prevent Colour-Leakage'.
Bat & Ball is also totally incompatible if your computer is a Scorpio, Bat & Ball being a Pisces.
If you do come across any problems with the game then please keep them to yourself.
REGISTRATION:-
If you would like to register the game, send me either everything you own, or nothing at all, whichever is the least. In return I'll send you the registered version (which includes Full-Motion-Video, Paralysed-Scrolling, a musical soundtrack specially written for the game by a very well known dead composer), or nothing at all, whichever you believe I'll send.
AND FINALLY...
If you want to contact me on any topic, whether it's wife-swapping, or mad cow disease (is that the same as wife-swapping?), then use the address above. Alternatively, you can fax me on the following number.......999.
END OF FILE
Ha! Ha! Tricked you! This is actually the end of the file here. Honestly, it is. I promise! Don't bother looking any further, I assure you there's nothing there.
