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Text File
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1995-12-16
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7KB
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239 lines
I thought of starting a Campaign for Real Laziness...
...but I couldn't be bothered
Tagline snipped for brevity
Tagline currently being taken for a walk
Did you know...?
Well, I'll tell you anyway.
Catch that non-sequitor! Its been drinking my cat's hedgetrimmer's cul-de-sac
Illiteracy - I don't know the meaning of the word
Help! I'm trapped in a tagline factory (in 2D)
STOP THAT MEGADISKASAURUS
Well, I'll be a blocked up river!!!
Edam: the only cheese which is made backwards
Those aren't wrong notes - thats a fault in the dynamic tuning.
John Adams: This is a revolution, dammit! We're going to have to offend
'Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception
of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.' - Douglas Adams
ARDSLIGNISH (adj.)
Adjective which describes the behaviour of Sellotape when you are tired.
BRADWORTHY (n.)
One who is skilled in the art of naming loaves. - Douglas Adams and John Lloyd
DUDDO (n.)
The most deformed potato in any given collection of potatoes.
FULKING (participial vb.)
Pretending not to be in when the carol-singers come round.
SOLENT (adj.)
Descriptive of the state of serene self-knowledge reached through drink.
'I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it
through not dying.' - Woody Allen
Robin: Holy Kleenex, Batman! It was right under our nose and we blew it!
Fairy tale, n.:
A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
Year, n.:
A period of 365 disappointments.
'I can't say I've ever been lost, but I was bewildered once for three days.'
'Money doesn't just talk - it makes obscene phone calls.'
'Life is one long process of getting tired.'
'Life's too short for chess.'
'Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.'
'If you laid every cigarette smoker end to end around the world some 67%
would drown.'
1) Those who agree with you are insane
2) Those who do not agree with you are in power
1) God does not exist
2) And anyhow he's stupid
'...it is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane.'
'Oh I get it. It's simple. PG means the hero gets the girl, 15 means that the
villain gets the girl, and 18 means everybody gets the girl.'
'You can't build a reputation on what you're going to do.'
'People who treat old age pensioners like inferior species...Look at me. Take a
good look. 'Cos I'm your future.'
If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn't be a human being. You'd
be a game-show host.
'The CIA doesn't seem to understand this "Information Wants to be Free"
lark.'
Plumber in flooded kitchen to home-owner: 'I'll be here quite a while. In the
meantime, gather together lots of money.'
'Life is just one damned thing after another.'
'It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work
to do.'
'I went to see some Sheep Dog Trials the other day. They were all guilty.'
Stop thinking, and end your problems.
'For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong.'
'Smile...tomorrow will be worse.'
'We have Art so that we shall not die of Reality.'
'Just because you're paranoid, don't mean they're not after you.'
'Regardless of how much patience we have, we would prefer never to use any
of it.'
'There are things so horrible that even the dark is afraid of them.'
"DON'T THINK OF IT AS DYING," said Death. "JUST THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY
TO AVOID THE RUSH."
'Voodoo is a very interesting religion for the whole family, even those
members of it who are dead.'
'The more I see of men, the better I like dogs.'
'There is no me. I do not exist. There used to be a me but I had it surgically
removed.'
'The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.'
William Shakespeare 'King Henry VI'
'Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the
people.'
'I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy
them again...'
'I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song
on the radio I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."'
'There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking
like an idiot.'
'If the world were an orange it would be far too small.'
'The longest distance between two points is bureaucracy.'
'Today is the last day of your life so far.'
'A conclusion is simply the place where you get tired of thinking.'
'Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.'
'Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.'
'Enough research will tend to support your theory.'
Sign in an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
Sign in a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a
good time.
Sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
Sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening
with an insurance salesman?
Never exaggerate your faults. Your friends will attend to that.
If you are sure you understand everything that is going on, you are hopelessly
confused.
A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files is to make a copy of every paper
before he destroys it.
If there were any justice in the world, people would be able to fly over
pigeons for a change.
Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't like.
If there is a harder way of doing something, someone will find it.
Experience is a marvelous thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake
whenever you make it again.
Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you fall
flat on your face.
If I had know I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of
myself.
Marriage is not a word but a sentence.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word
alone.
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
He who laughs last is generally the last to get the joke.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it
made.
An archaelogist is a man whose career lies in ruins.
A diplomat is a man who says you have an open mind, instead of telling you
that you have a hole in the head.
The only thing wrong with doing nothing is that you never know when you are
finished.
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
I believe in computer dating, but only if the computers are truly in love.
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perserverence, and to turn around three times
before lying down.
What is creativity but implusivity gone right.
The trouble with resisting temptation is that it may never come again.
'Automatic' simply means that you can't repair it yourself.
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
An outstanding optimist is a man who takes a position behind six women at a
pay phone.
One thing you can say for kids: At least they don't bore you telling the
clever things their parents did.