The World of Computer Software/World_Of_Computer_Software-02-387-Vol-3of3.iso/p/par169.zip/STEEPLE.TXT

Text File | 1993-02-04 | 13KB | 294 lines

                        RIB Productions
                        Proudly bring to you
                        "Man Of The Steeple"
                        An ST:TNG Parody of "Man Of The People"
                        by Robert I. Brayer (FidoNet 1:363/82)
                        ("cleaned up" by Ray Brown, TFDN_PL, @ 1:135/70)

-=-
SCENE I
(The Enterprise is encountering a cargo ship in great distress)
Cargo Ship: Helllp!!! HELP! HELP US!
Picard: Now just stay calm! What's the problem?
CS: Well it's our cargo..
Picard: Is it some antimatter that if let loose could destroy all we
know to exist?
CS: Nope.
Picard: Howsabout something important?
CS: No, it's a really annoying ambassador that some bad-guy ship has
been taking pot shots at! On this little defenseless thing. You can
have him!
Picard: Thanks.
-=-
SCENE II
(The Ambassador beams in, he looks familer to the audience..strangly..)
Picard: Welcome Ambassador Baker, who's the lovely person with you.
Baker: This is my beautiful wife, Tammy-Faye.
Tammy-Faye: Hi! I'm so happy to be here. Would you like to give some
money to the church of Greedy Criminals?
Picard: Er.. sorry..Captains don't get paid much these days.
TF: Oh..<wahhaa> (TF starts to cry)
Picard: Very well.. here.. buy less eye shadow.
TF: For $100 and above you get an automatic toaster.
Baker: Now, now, Dear- the Captain was nice enough to give a measly $5
cheap contribution so we could pray for several hundred hours and save
his worthless soul, and if that's what it means to him...
Picard: AUGH! FINE! Here's $500! But that is *ALL* I have!
TF: Bless you Captain.
Picard<mumbling>: Lousy stinking...<ahem>
Troi: I find it nice to meet your acquaintence, Mr. Baker, Mrs. Baker...
TF: I know what you want!!!
Troi: Intelligent lines?
TF: Besides that!
Troi: Thai food for lunch?
TF: No! You want my man! Well you can't have him! James the Studpuppy is
mine you ..you ...witch!
Troi: That's ludicrious! Why would I want him?
TF: That's not the point!! Grr..
Picard: Ladies, Ladies..please calm down...
TF: That's easy for you to say when you're not wearing this much
eye-makeup.
Troi: You know. She's right!
Picard: Would it make you all happier if I put on eye makeup?
Baker: Come now, I have a job to do. Peace must be attained on Moronworld!
Troi: You know. He's right!
TF: <Growl>
(End of Scene- cut.)
Generic Executive: Wait a second we can't end that scene.
(Robert walks in)
Robert: What's the matter, the scene's over!
GE: Troi didn't say her line.
(Troi suddenly appears)
Troi: he's hiding something. Ok. THERE! Are you happy now?
Robert: Would you like to make a contribution to the church of Greedy
Criminals?
Troi: Don't make me cough up a hairball!
Executive: Come on now we've got a parody to write.
(And thus another hard day begins at RIB Productions, hundreds upon
hundreds of workers gather together to do comprehensive research to
find out what *YOU* the reader finds interesting and humorous in these
parodies. Unfortunetly, we have failed. And here is the president of
our production staff for an excuse.)
President: <Ahem> The model here, (points at a picture of Troi), is a
fairly hated character by our staff, we came up with many people we
wished her to transform into, not the least of which was Prince,
Barbara Bush and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Unfortunetly none of these
fit the standard model for a humorous title. And so we went with the
Tammy-Faye Baker model shown here:
(A picture of Troi is shown, slight eye makeup is added)
President: OK boys, let her rip!
(The makeup gets progressively worse and worse until Troi looks very
similer to Tammy-Faye indeed, she then begins to scream about donations,
coughs up a hairball and collapses)
President: As you can see the torture value of this model is extremely
high, as well as the entertainment value. But it loses it's potential
after a while. Are there any suggestions?
(Suddenly an intern type stands up)
Intern: We could make her lose clothes progressivly until she's nude.
(The entire workforce cheers)
Robert<Interrupting>: No no there's a problem with that! Last week we
said we were just KIDDING about having her nude. Besides, this is a
*FAMILY* text file.
Troi: Howabout we have it happen to Mr. Worf!
(Worf appears)
Worf: <Grunt>!
Troi: You know. He's right!
President: We have an obligation however to our reading audience, and
the Neilson Parody Ratings have estimated them to be almost in double
digits in total #, to come up with some kind of original idea.
Intern: Why not just rehash old jokes, that always works on 'Full House'
and it's got great ratings!
President: No cute little girls. Unless...
Troi: Oh no! I'm not having a dream sequence again..oh no..agh..!!
(We can hear strange cop-out music as Troi collapses to sleep)
-=- SCENE III
(We see Troi as a child chasing after a squirrel and squealing with joy,
she giggles as she gets closer and catches up on the squirrel. When
suddenly- The squirrel turns around to face her and stands on two legs)
Squirrel: Why do you human types always gots to chase us poor pathetic
squirrels around? How would you like it if we chased *YOU*? Huh!?
Troi: Uh..er...um..that is..
(The Squirrel starts to race after Troi screaming)
Squirrel: AYIEEE!!!!!! DIE TROI SCUM!!!
Troi: AGH!!
(Troi runs so fast she doesn't notice that upcoming tree branch!)
Troi: (Clunk.) Ow.
(Troi begins to convulse)
Troi: <Cough> <Cough>
(Troi wakens)
-=-
SCENE IV
Robert: And our demographics show that implosions appeal the most to
people between the ages of 12-24...
Troi: Augh! <cough> <cough>...(Troi coughs up a ..script!? onto Robert!)
Robert: Hey what the.. this isn't a hairball!
President: What is it?
Robert: It's...a script!
GE: A script for what?
Robert: It's the top-secret parody script for the big Scotty episode
next week!
Executive: BURN IT!
Robert: OK. (he takes out a match and burns the parody) We'll start
from scratch.
Troi: <gluck>
President: What do we do now?
Robert: I don't know!
(Voice from intercom): Er sir, we've got a problem..
Robert: What?
VFI: While you've been doing this segment the parody has been going on..
Robert: Oh no! Did we get it on tape!
VFI: Nope this will have to go in the 'Lost RIB Parodies' of '92, you
know the 55 we haven't released to the public yet and are planning to
in several years for big bucks?
Robert: Ah yes, those..well we'd better get back then!
VFI: Yes sir!
(The scene fades)
Voiceover: We now return you to your regularly scheduled parody,
already in progress.
-=-
SCENE V
Picard: My God, Worf! That was the most brilliant tactical manuever I
have ever seen! And where did you learn to debate like that?
Worf: <Grunt>
Geordi: Sir, the immediate danger may have been diverted, however- the
danger still remains.
Picard: Ok, so what if we're being attacked by a giant mutant bald-guy
eating bartender, at least we have our health.
(Crusher cuts in): Er sir..
Riker: Calm down guys! It's no biggie. Mr. Worf, lock all forward
baldguy launchers on the bartender!
Data: Er, sir, that would effectively *FEED* the monster instead of
divert him or destroy him.
Riker: Oh yeah, what do you know? FIRE!
(Mr. Worf grunts and fires..the creature grows bigger!)
Data: Nothing I admit.
Ro: Enough with the bickering! Make a deicision before this guy comes
after Pic-
(The creature reaches his hand in through the Enterprise hull and goes
for Picard)
Picard: AUGH!!! Bring in the Tammy Faye monster!
(We see Troi wheeled in- now looking very much like TF!)
Troi: Would you like to make a donation, kind monster sir, to the
United Legion Of Orthodox Idiots?
Monster: AUGH!!! All I wanted was bald guys..there's no place like home...
(clicks his feet and disappers)
Riker: Ahh..the universe is safe yet again for another generation...
Picard: Riker, We *ARE* the next generation!
Riker: Oops. I knew that.
(Guinan interrupts): I would just like to say that the previous
bartender does not neccessarily reflect the views of the bartenders
union, or Major League Baseball.
Picard: Guinan get off the line!
Riker: Sir, we're encountering 3 large ships!
Picard: Hail them!
Data: No sir, you don't understand, we're encountering 3 large *SHIPS*!
(On the screen we see three ancient Spanish Ships!)
Worf: <Grunt>
Picard: Visual eh? Put it on!
(On screen we see an Italian man he has a flag in his hand)
Columbus: I claim your ship...for SPAIN!
Picard: Er..sir..who are you?
Columbus: I am CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS! The great discoverer!
Data<whispered>: Er sir.. that's the guy that went in the wrong
direction all the time.
(Picard nods in understanding)
Picard: Er.. ahh..well you can't have my ship!
Columbus: Why not!? I've *CLAIMED* IT!!
Riker: Er, that doesn't make it yours!
Columbus: Why not!? It always did before...!
Data: <Ahem> Sir, if I may..
Columbus: I claim that Android for Spain!
Worf: <Grunt>
Columbus: I claim that Klingon for Spain!!
(Worf looks angry, he pushes a few buttons and the Nina, Pinta and
Santa Maria are scrapmetal)
Picard: Thank you Mr. Worf! Let's all retire to the Pancakefest so
that Guinan can finally get a compelling storyline as well as lots of
parts! And I hear Crusher is going to give a speech!
All but Worf: WHAT A GREAT IDEA!
-=-
(End Of Scene- Cut)
President: In the past many of you have written in asking how we, at
RIB Productions put together and adequetly process and pack a parody
to meet your satisfactions. Well?
Robert: The answer is, we are on several major halluciongenics...no!
haha! just kidding!
President:<Ahem> Hundreds of skilled workers meticulously switch on
the computer and type in the date and time on our STATE-OF-THE-ART
8088s, they also ready Robert's chair with a pillow and some Micro-
Magic French Fries(Blatent Endorsement), the fries are of course on
the desk, not on the chair, he wouldn't sit on them! haha!
(Robert goes to sit down)
Robert: Hey! What are these fries doing in my seat!?
President: *MOST* Of the time. While all this is going on teams of
professional lazy people are researching carefully and very slowly
the cure for cancer. We hope to bring you this in the middle of a
parody in the near future. Since all the parodies happen in the 24th
century, they already know it, so don't look for it soon. Also we are
doing 'implosion testing' in our large "IMPLOSION FACTORY"(TM),
here's a scene!
-=-
SCENE VI
(A scientist looking type walks in)
Scientist: OK now this time, we'll test if implosions can happen while
standing on your head.
Scotty: SHE CANNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!! She'll blow *SKY* high! (Scotty
implodes- standing on his head)
(Several men clap)
Scientist: Ahh..that's just a short preview of next week, we apologize.
(The man assumes a serious look) Here in these fine facilites we test
different conditions,  over there in the PANCAKE RESEARCH LAB, ten
people work furiously eating pancakes and researching openings for
pancake jokes in the future. And there- in the "INSIDE JOKE DIVISION"
over 5 people work hard to connect parodies with a sense of unity and
commitment. (Suddenly Robert appears)
Robert: As you can see most of this fails. And you are left with the
writing process, usually it takes me hours of pained thought to come up
with every word. I sit naked in my closet with several pints of jell-o
and the Swedish Bikini team, as I meditate. After a few days I come out
real tired and unaware of what I'm doing, the result is what you get.
After it's packed, Textdivided and everything of course, and we at RIB
Productions hope you enjoy our work, we wish you to know of our *TOP*
SECRET Project for the upcoming months, it will be very big. We're
working very hard. Here it is:
(Robert implodes)
President: Haha! Calm down! You'll find out eventually! For now we show
you what a snappy ending to a parody is like; in the following example:
-=-
SCENE VII
Troi: Would you like to make a donation!?!? Huh!? Wouldja?!
Picard: That's enough! Jim you've used her enough! I know Tammy-Faye
died-
(Wild sustained applause)
Jim: It's her responsibility as a human being to serve.
Riker: Oh yeah? Well maybe she doesn't *WANT* to serve!
Jim: Ok, Then I'll take YOU!
(Troi falls down and reverts back to normal, Riker screams)
Riker: AUGH! NO!!
(Eye makeup starts to form)
Riker: Would you like to..make..a..no...no!!!!
Ro: I've had enough of your games Jim! You're going up the river for
60 years!
Jim: NO!!!
(A police truck pulls up and several policeman haul Jim Baker away)
Riker: That's what you get when you mess with me!
Troi: And me!
Guinan: And my strip-tease! Wooh-hoo!
All but Worf: NO!!!!
-=-
President: And now you add a snapy voiceover ending:
-=-
Voiceover: And so, all was happy and safe, and all was pleasently
dead. Robert was all snug and tired, warm in his bed. The parody was
done and the brains were at rest, now if only Troi'd show us her dainty
little....
Robert: OK ok..that's enough.. parody's over. Pack up. That's a day.
That's a wrap. We got a big episode next week. be there.
-=-
NEXT WEEK ON RIB TREK: THE NEXT HALLUCINATION!
Scott: She canna do it sir.. she canna implode. I'm implodeistpated.
Picard: But she must! Augh!
-=-