The World of Computer Software/World_Of_Computer_Software-02-387-Vol-3of3.iso/p/par167.zip/WIENIE.TXT

Text File | 1993-02-03 | 15KB | 328 lines

                                "I, Weenie"
                        Script By Robert Brayer @ 1:363/82
                ("cleaned up" by Ray Brown, TFDN_PL, @ 1:135/70)


                 This story takes place shortly after the episode "I,
Borg" and deals with a reunion with Hugh, we join a welcoming ceromony in
the main transporter room of the Enterprise.

SCENE I
(Hugh steps off of the transporter pad and looks at his welcoming
committee)
Hugh: Hello Geordi. Hello Beverly. Hello Captain. Hello(continued for most
people.)
Geordi: Hugh! It's great to see you again, how have you been?
Hugh: I have been..<brief pause> well, how have you been?
Geordi: Just fine, we're all glad to see you, come with me and we'll show
you your deluxe quarters.
(The two exit with Picard and Worf with a phaser on hand of course)
-=-
SCENE II
(Walking in hallway)
Picard: We are very happy to have you on the ship, Hugh, we hope your stay
will be a most pleasant one.
Worf: <Grunt>
Hugh: Thank you, Captain.
Geordi: I'm surprised you still have your memory and are completely ok
despite the fact it was wiped and you should, by all rights not be here,
but parodies don't need to deal with YATI's I guess, so have you missed us
at all?
Hugh: I have missed you, Geordi, What am I to do here?
Picard: We will give you a grand tour of the ship, as well as introduce
you to a friend of ours who will be very interested to study, <ahem>, meet
you.
Hugh: Thank you, Captain.
Worf: <Grunt>
(The trio enters the cabin, it is standard federation "Just the
essentials" Galaxy Class stuff, the Federation has been cutting down
recently, so there is only three Jacuzzi's for each of the bathrooms)
Picard: Well, Hugh, these are your quarters, your energy receptacle is
there, tell it what kind of energy you want, we can synth anything, lovely
thing. Will this be satisfactory?
Hugh: Yes, Captain, I thank you, what now?
Picard: We drop your bags off.
Worf:<Grunt>
(Worf removes six pieces of luggage from his shirt and he suddenly is
shrunken to a small, not built man)
Geordi: (In a low voice) So that's why..
Worf: <An angry grunt>
Geordi: (Whistling)
(Worf grunts and puts the bags down in a corner he then types a command
into the computer, makes some more bags and stuffs them in his shirt.)
Geordi: <In thought> Stuffing his shirt, I haven't seen that since my
AstroPhysics of dimensional travel based on the theory of thermodynamics
and a small bucket of chicken seminar in 5th grade, she was cute though..
Picard: And now, the grand tour!
(The four exit and enter the turbolift, Picard commands for them to go to
holodeck nine, they then exit the turbolift and walk up to the doors)
Geordi: This is the holodeck, here we can display any matter of any
pattern for you, it's really high tech jargon, and we're on a real low
jargon budget so I won't go into it..
Hugh: Thank you, Geordi.
Picard: We have simulated a borg atmosphere based on what we have seen of
your ship. (He press a few keys)
Computer: Borg program complete. Enter when ready.
(The four enter into what looks like tinkertoys all put together weird,
moans of "Irrelevent, taco viva is irrelevent" fill the ship in a low
whisper for only a second. Somewhere on another level, Data stops eating
his chili-cheese burrito and throws it out, but he cannot figure out why..)
Hugh:<amazed> This is amazing, Captain, it is the borg.
Geordi: Yep! Nifty isn't it? That's what a million dollar f/x budget can
do for you! We're not even here for a reason, we just like to amaze guests
with our scenery budget!
Picard: Yes, now we will go to Ten-Forward.
-=-
SCENE III
(Ten-Forward, Data and Guinan are immersed in a complex
conversation over the bar counter)
Data: But I LIKE Burritos..
Guinan: Do you really?
Data: Well, I find them of asthetic value, even if they do give me gas.
Guinan: But Data, the beans and the sauce are-
(We can no longer hear them as we see the trio enter)
Worf: <Grunt>
Picard: This is Ten-Forward, here you can get drunk, but you won't get
arrested! Great place. That's Guinan, she knows everything, that's because
her hat is connected to a central collective mind much like your own, her
hat is connected to others like her, they trade information on hat
fashion, it's really quite fascinating. Geordi: Yeah, and sometimes they
can get me a discount visor..
Worf: <Grunt>
(The four walk up to the bar and Data and Guinan stop talking and
acknowledge them,
Data: Hello Sir, Geordi, Worf, and Hugh, we are much alike Hugh.
Hugh: Hello Data, you are, different.
Data: You are correct, that is because, being an android, I have no need
to act.
Hugh: That would explain it.
Guinan: And I'm Guinan, I'm brilliant, I know everything, which is why I
decided to be a bartender.
Hugh: That explans that.
Guinan: Would you care for anything to drink?
Hugh: Drink?
Guinan: Oh that's right..hmm.. an energy shake?
Picard: <a low cough> That is all right Guinan, I think we'll be ok.
Guinan: <In thought> Damn, I really have to pay off the lease..
Geordi: We're pretty much done here, let's show him Sickbay.
Picard: Yes I agree, and you Mr. Worf?
Worf:<Grunt>
(The four leave and proceed to Sickbay)
-=-
SCENE IV
(We see Beverly Crusher tending to a patient)
Crusher: Now, I bet you won't make fun of Guinan's hat anymore will you
Enisgn Generica?
Ensign: No Ma'am, not again.
Crusher: Good, and remember no house calls, pay on your way out. (The
Ensign nods, walks a few feet, curls over and dies and lands on the floor,
the four enter, stepping over the body.)
Geordi: Hello Dr. Crusher, we have brought Hugh so you can show him our
great Sickbay.
Crusher: Alright, I guess we'll do a standard examination on him, Hugh,
come to this table and sit on it.
(Hugh shrugs and obeys, Crusher takes out a little hammer)
Crusher: Ok, first reflexes, Doctor Rectal will assist me, Doctor?
Rectal: Ok, I will hit your knee to that we can determine your reflexes.
Worf: <Grunt>
Geordi and Picard At Once: Shh!
(Rectal hits the knee, it seems to remain still)
Rectal: How odd, no reflex- (As he finishes the sentence Hugh's foot
shoots up and nails Rectal in the head spilling his blood and his body on
the floor)
Crusher: Nurse, get that for me will you?
(A generic no-lines nurse nods and drags Dr. Rectal away, he is mumbling
"more .." "air.." "time...")
Hugh: This is an odd examination.
Crusher: Yes. You do have malpractice insurance of course?
Hugh: Malpractice?
Crusher: Your hour is up.
Picard: That's Troi's line.
Crusher: Oh yeah, well then, gotta run!
(Crusher sneaks away. Picard shrugs)
Geordi: How about we introduce him to our guest?
(Picard nods and they enter the turbolift, go to deck 39 and exit the lift
into the corridor)
Hugh: <Explaining something> On a borg ship, we have no taco viva. We have
tried to asymilate one, but they charge us extra for take-out..
Geordi: <Interrupting> Here we are. Cabin 3d. (Geordi "Knocks".) A familer
high-pitched voice: Come in.
(The four enter to face Wesley. Wesley has grown much in his years at the
academy, his face has cleared up on the left side, he can now recite the
cast list without his voice cracking, but he still walks like he has
something up his butt.)
Picard: Hugh, meet Wesley.
Hugh: Hello, Wesley.
Wesley: Hello, Hugh, I'm very glad to study, err, spend time with you.
Geordi: Wesley here will be your new friend, we'll leave you alone to talk.
Worf: <Grunt>
(Geordi, Worf and Picard exit, Wesley sits down in a chair and motions
Hugh to do the same.)
Wes: So Hugh, how are you doing?
Hugh: Alright. Wesley, what do friends do? Take tests?
Wes: Uhrr..no.. they spend time together
Hugh: Why?
Wes: So they can share each other's company, and feel less lonely.
Hugh: What do they do?
Wes: Well, I guess they play games and..
Hugh:<Interrupting> Games? I want to play a game.
Wes: Ok. What do you want to play?
Hugh: I have a fun game I learned.
Wes: Tell me.
Hugh: It's called "Let's pretend I'm still a borg."
Wes: Sounds fun, what do we do?
Hugh: Stand up.
(Wes does so, Hugh follows and walks up to Wes)
Hugh: We are the borg. You will be assymalated. Resistance does not comply
with plot.
Wes: Haha..this is pretty fun...
Hugh: Close your eyes, human.
Wes: Ok! (Wes does)
Hugh: <Smack>
(Hugh smacks Wes over the head with his arm and knocks him cold. He grins
and picks Wes up over his shoulder, pushes a button on his shoulder, and
mysteriously, he disappers. Thus, Hugh returns to the Borg, undetected, as
Data was using all the sensors to pick up a particularly interesting
episode of Matlock. We see Wesley begin to be joined to the borg as he
screams violently. Thousands of cheers arise that can be hear all around
the galaxy, Trekkers celebrating Wesley's great pain, it would seem.)
-=-
SCENE V (The Bridge)
Ro: On normal course and speed.
Riker: Continue.
Data: Sir, may I inquire something?
Picard and Riker at once: Yes?
Data: I was reffering to the captain, commander.
Riker:<Disappointed>, damn it, I need lines bad..
Picard: Yes Number one, well Data, fire away.
Data: Hugh and Wesley have been conversing for quite some time now,
precisely 6 solar months. Is that long for a chat?
Picard: That is a bit odd. I hadn't noticed Wes was gone, but now that I
realize it, we did have a couple of good plots there..hmm.
Riker: Sir, may I suggest something?
Picard: Go ahead.
Riker: I say we strip search everyone for information leading to the
whereabouts of Wesley Crusher and Hugh.
Picard: I'm sure our scanners can take care of that.
Riker: Yes, but there's three women on this ship I haven't slept with, and
this is my only chance to get it over with.
Picard: Perhaps it may be a good idea Number One..I will give it some
thought. Alternatives?
Ro: No sir, good ratings ideas, but won't do it.
Picard: No, no no! Alternative solutions?
Data: Sensors indicate Wesley and Hugh are no longer aboard! Perhaps if we
launch a Playboy magazine we can find them?
Picard: Yes, That may work,...<musing> Wesley was always a horny little
guy.
Troi: Sir, he's hiding something.
Picard: Who is?
Troi: Wesley.
Picard: But he's not here.
Troi: Oh, sorry.
Worf: <Grunt>
Picard: All right, Mr. Data proceed with your plan.
Data: I am launching several lewd and obscene copies of Playboy and
Penthouse from Mr. Riker's personal library..
Riker: WHAT?!?! Oh God, don't lose Ms. July!
Data: I am picking up a signal on the long range sensors.
Picard: Put it on the viewscreen.
(We see a very minute cubical shape)
Picard: Magnify, full power.
(We see nothing change)
Picard: Data?
Data: Oh sorry, sir, I seem to have released an emission through my anal
cavity.
Picard: That would explain the smell, Burritos again?
Data: I am sorry. Besides sir, we cannot get a viewscreen picture of the
vessel.
Picard: Why!?
Data: We need a cutaway scene.
Worf: <Grunt>
-=-
SCENE VI(Somewhere in the recesses of the Borg collective mind)
Hugh: He will be our servent.
Third Of Ninth: Excellent. Bring Weenie of Borg out.
(Wesley walks out, yet STILL with that strange walk. Hey, even the borg
can't solve everything. His implants suit him, yet still don't cure that
darned acne.)
Weiner: I am Weenie Of Borg.
Hugh: Yes, we know, I picked the name, seemed to suit you.
Weenie: Thank you, Hugh, and now for our first guest..
Hugh:<To Third Of Ninth> I told you not to put in that Arsenio Hall
implant!
Weenie: Give it up for..
Third Of Ninth: Changes will be made. Fox is irrelevant.
(Meanwhile, on the Enterprise)
Worf: <Grunt>
-=-
SCENE VII
(We resume on the bridge)
Data: Ship coming into range right now.
Picard: Excellent, put it on the view screen please.
(Data keys in a few commands, and a picture of a heated Wheel Of Fortune
match comes on the viewscreen, Riker whistles at Vanna..)
Picard: What the HELL is this!?
Data: Oops, sorry sir, wrong channel.
(Data keys in the right channel and we see a borg ship. It is strangely
changed, it is still cubical, but what appears to be..facial acne covers
certain parts of it!)
Riker: What the!?
Troi: He's hiding something.
(All except for Worf): SHUT UP!
Data: Fascinating sir, it would seem the borg have assimilated Wesley and
have taken his facial characteristics with them. Probably assuming facial
acne was a characteristic of all humans. Picard: My God, they must be
stopped, they could turn Stridex into an intergalactic monopoly!
Data: Call on line 3, sir.
Picard: Put it on the screen.
Data: Yessir.
(The viewscreen fades from a shot of the borg ship to a shot of Weiner
outfitted in his new Borg Reebox sneakers and assorted pins and needles)
Riker: Wesley!?!?!
Weenie: I am Weenie, Of Borg.
Picard:<Startled> Uhh..
(Crusher cuts into the channel)
Crusher: Wesley! Are you out after your bedtime again?
Picard: Cut the Channel to the Doctor please Worf.
Worf: <Grunt>
Weenie: You will be assimilated. Resistance is against the plot.
Troi: What do you want!?
Weenie: We want breasts. We want Troi in a miniskirt.. we want.. (We see a
borg walk in, slap Weiner and walk out, Weiner shakes his head and
continues)
Weenie: You will all become one of us.
Riker: My god, we're doomed to being.... gigantic zits with funny
eyepieces!? Led forever by a carnal need for women? Maybe I could get used
to it..
Picard: <Furious> SILENCE, ALL! I will not have this commotion on my ship!
Weenie: We are not on your ship.
Picard: Oh, you know what I mean!
Troi: Captain, he's hiding something.
(We see Worf's face turning blood red)
Worf: CAPTAIN! I can't take this anymore! First you make me have no lines,
then I have to be subjected to Troi's ramblings, Wesley's adolescent
garbage and Riker's excuse for acting! KILL THEM! (Worf pushes a few
buttons and the Borg ship is a floating piece of scrapmetal.)
Worf: Ahh. <Grunt>
-=-
Voiceover:
And so, Hugh and Wesley were destroyed violently, but in their final
minutes they enjoyed greatly the brief time they had spent together, the
moments they had spent together, the games, the parties. The big borg
surprise bashes that always failed because everyone always knew what was
happening. Ah, yes, to be a borg, to a borg, nothing is relevant, To a
borg..if I was only a borg <whistling>...If I was only-
(Q pops out of nowhere!)
Q: Damnit! I've had enough of this! I should have NEVER introduced you to
the borg! I thought they'd kill you or something! Not envelope Wesley and
become a giant zit! And then a voiceover like that one? I can't stand it.
Oh well, have to run, just stopped in because I appear in all parodies.
It's not just safety. IT'S THE LAW! (Q vanishes)
Voiceover: ..I was a borg..<startled> Oh sorry, they all lived happily
ever after..until..
                        THE SEQUEL
                     COMING WHENEVER THE WRITER IS NOT LAZY
                        (A long time if that's true.)