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1993-02-03
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12KB
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306 lines
RIB Productions
Proudly Bring to you
"Night Hairballs"
An ST:TNG Parody of Episode #90 ("Night Terrors")
By Robert I. Brayer
(Loosely based on Night Terrors, kinda)
("cleaned up" by Ray Brown, TFDN_PL, @ 1:135/70)
-=-
SCENE I
(In Deanna Troi's quarters, Deanna is with a patient, a middle-age female
patient who Troi is counseling. Actually doing her JOB!)
Patient: It's just the strangest fetish, I don't know what it is with
shoelaces, but -
Troi: <Coughing>
Patient: Is there something wrong?
Troi: We're on camera now, best not elaborate.
Patient: Should I talk then about my love of killing psychologists who
don't listen to my problems?
Troi: SECURITY!
Patient:<Foam starts to come from mouth> ... shoelaces! They're just so...
Troi: Please!
(A few security officers enter to drag the patient off, as the patient
screams)
Patient: I tie all of my shoes thirty times a day! <Crying hysterically>
Lemmie go!! (Begins punching around wildly)
(Troi walks up to the patient)
Troi: Please Mrs. Psychowoman, calm-
(One of the patient's fists accidentally connect with Troi's jaw)
Troi: <Clunk> Ow!
Patient: red ones, blue ones - SHOELACES!
Troi: This must be some kind of nightmare!
(Troi begins to convulse just slightly, hey- if anyone could convulse,
"just slightly", it'd be Troi)
Troi: Doctor! Ugh!(Troi hammers down on her badge to call for the doctor,
knocking herself to the ground)
Troi: Ack! Ayiee, urp blah (assorted disgusting noises)
Troi: No I'm - going - to-
Security Man: Get a real job?
(Troi walks up to the security man, looks him in the face, and violently
coughs up a hairball in his face, she then collapses) -=-
SCENE II
(Troi shoots out of bed in a cold sweat, breathing heavily)
-=-
SCENE III
(On the bridge)
Riker: What the...?
Picard: What is it, Number One?
Troi: <Over intercom> Sir, is everything allright?
Picard: It's fine, why?
Troi: Nevermind..nightmare <click, dial tone>
Riker: That's what it is!
Picard: What?
Riker: The deep breathing I heard!
Picard: She's LEVELS away!
Riker: It's an ACQUIRED sense!
Picard: <musing> and some people have hobbies..
Data: Sir, we are encountering a strange anomaly.
Picard: Can you be more specific?
Data: Sir, it looks like a large ship, but I could be wrong.
Picard: What do you mean, you could be wrong?
Data: I don't have my glasses!
Picard: Glasses?
Data: My brand-new, "Looking at strange anomaly-glasses" that Dr. Crusher
gave me last week when I thought a Ferengi ship was the statue of liberty.
Picard: Well, get the damn glasses already!
(Data pulls out glasses and puts them on)
Data: It appears to be a ship, shaped like a large..feline!
Picard: Magnify.
Data: No sir, I am NOT doing my Sherlock Holmes!
Picard: No no no! Ack, I'll do it myself! (Does)
Riker: I'll be darned, it looks like a cat!
Picard: Open hailing frequencies!
Worf:<Grunt>
Picard: Alien ship, This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the really-big-ship
Enterprise, whatdoja want?
Riker: My, he's really got that diplomatic form to a T.
(The alien comes on screen, it looks like...well.. a cat! It has a frown
on it's face)
Alien: We are cat-people!
Picard: What do you want?
Alien: Milk!
Picard: I shoulda known!
Riker: <stupidly> Why do you want milk?
Alien: Silly! To make pancakes with!
(At this point Troi bursts on the bridge in her "regulation" uniform)
Troi: Who the #*($*()# is that!?
(All turn towards Troi)
Troi: Sorry, rough night.
(All turn towards Riker)
Riker: Don't look at ME!
Alien: Hello!? Am I on "HOLD"?
Ro: No Ms. Alien Person, by the way, what's your name?
Alien: I am the Captain of the Catship, Litterbox, I am Captain Fluffy of
the Catship Litterbox!
Troi: I think I'm gonna cough another up right about now..
Worf: <Grunt>
Alien: Fine, ignore me! I'll just open fire!
(The screen goes blank)
Picard: Oops. Mr. Worf try and get contact back!
Worf: <Grunt>
Picard: No answer!
Data: Sir, I would suggest raising our-
(The ship is rocked with several powerful phaser blasts and the crew does
their best impression of the TOS crew by going flying comicly, in
different directions)
Worf(who flew into the captain's chair- on Picard's lap): <Grunt>
Picard: OW!
Data: Sir we've been hit by 4 straight blasts of what appears to be a
phaser cannon.
Picard: Activate cloaking device!
Data: We don't HAVE one!
Picard: Activate commercial device!
Data: Ok.
-=-
Announcer: Try NEW Drip-o bathroom cleaner! Kills stains DEAD!
Singers: Drip-o! Drip-o! Makes stains feel their death! Drip-o! Drip-o!
It killed a stain named 'Beth'
(Close-up of a stain, and then a big spray bottle sprays it)
Beth: OWW! NO!!!! TERRIBLE ! PAINFUL! AGNOY!
Announcer: Let's watch as Beth dies a terrible DEATH!
(Beth takes a human-like stain form and convulses wildly in agony and
screams so shrill many TV screens break)
Singers: Drip-o! Drip-o! (Screams) Ends messy carpet grease! Drip-o!
Drip-o! Makes one hell of an antifreeze! (Screams)
Beth: <ClunkCroak>
Wesley: And that's not all! If you order within the next 4 seconds you get
this free, plastic model of Geordi's VISOR
(Shows a VISOR that looks remarkably realistic)
Geordi: Give me that thing back!
(Geordi comes in stumbling around grabbing for the VISOR, and grabs it and
puts it on)
Geordi: Hahaha! That Wesley always joking around! (Geordi hits Wesley over
the head)
Wesley: <Thunk>
Announcer: And you get it all, the lounge chair, the Drip-o and the DEAD
BETH free!
Beth: HELP ME!!!
-=-
SCENE IV
(In the conference room, most everyone is there)
Riker: Wow! That commercial device really worked! We're not under attack!
In fact, we're holding a conference on it!
Picard: Yes, Number One, the Commerical device is our greatest defense, we
should hope it never falls into the evil hands of the Romulans, The
Ferengi, or God forbid, PBS.
Geordi: Well, it seems like these feline guys are shooting phasers at us
because we ignored them.
Troi: <Begins to nod off>
Worf: <Grunt>
Ro: ..and the blahblahblah of the blahblahblah
Troi: <To sleep>
-=-
SCENE V
(Troi is standing in a field of beautiful flowers, she begins to run
through it in peace and harmony, at one with herself, and her world; until
she trips over a passing rabbit)
Troi: <clunk> Ouch.
Rabbit: Hey, lady- watch where yer going!
Troi: hey! Rabbits can't talk!
Rabbit: So, who says boring one-lined "psychologists" can talk either?
Troi: Good point! What do you want?
Rabbit: Is this a trick question?
Troi: No!
Rabbit: To be honest, I want some Drip-O.
Troi: Why!?
Rabbit: I have this stain in my toilet that never leaves.
Troi: Is this a promo or part of the show?
Rabbit: Neither. And Both.
Troi: You are a wise rabbit.
Rabbit: I try.
(The Rabbit implodes)
Troi: How odd.
(Troi starts to run again, suddenly she feels as if she can- FLY! She
jumps in the air prepared to attain FLIGHT!)
Troi: Whee!!
(Troi realizes half-way into her jump, that she can not fly.)
Troi: Uh-Oh. (Troi flys directly into the ground.)
Troi: <Clunk> Ouch!
Troi: I can't take much more of this!(starts to convulse a bit)
Troi: Glagh! Glagh! ack!
-=-
SCENE VI
Crusher: ...And I agree with that brilliant analysis of Mr. Worf's!
Picard: I think we all do, howsabout you Troi?
Troi: <Awaking from dream> Glagh! Glagh<Cough cough>
(Troi spits up a hairball onto Picard's head)
Picard: <Growl>
Riker: He has hair!
(Picard turns toward Riker)
Riker: <Blushing> Wish I could implode.
Troi: I'm so sorry sir.. I've been having terrible nightmares!
Picard: How?
Troi: I always get hurt in them and I always cough up a hairball at the
end, this time, I did it for real!
Ro: They must be getting intense..maybe they have something to do with the
Aliens!
Picard: A fine idea! To hell with Mr. Worf's idea! Let's try this one!
Worf: <Growl> <Grunt>!!!
Picard: Open a channel to the Alien vessel!
Worf: <Grunt>
Picard: Alien vessel, why have you been messing with our shrink! Alien: We
want milk. Resistance is futile.
Hugh: Hey that's my line.
Alien: Sorry, we're not being paid much.
Picard: I told you; base salary, you're not on the air enough for more.
Riker: Ah, sir, the camera is on.
Picard: Er, Milk! Why do you want milk?
Alien: I already told you, and for base salary I'm not telling you again.
Crusher: Let's play guessing game!
Geordi: Yeah! You want milk so you can pacify your babies!
Alien: No !
Ro: You want milk, because milk builds strong bones and makes you big and
strong!
Alien: PANCAKES!!
Picard: Yes of course, we know.. alright, we'll get back to you!
Alien: AUGH!
(Rattles on the ship)
Riker: Sir, they're commencing firing!
Data: Good we have the shields up, this time sir.
Picard: I suggest we put Troi to sleep and-
All but Worf and Troi: YES!! TO SLEEP!
Picard: NO! NO! NO! "Z's" sleep! Real sleep!
All but Worf And Troi: Aww!
Troi: <Grunt> <Growl>
Picard: Maybe the aliens are causing your dreams, Deanna, and making you
cough up hairballs in the process because of demented childhood
experiences of their own, you then can communicate and give them their
"milk", we'll put a whole bunch near your bed! Troi: What if it spills on
me.
Riker: Add pancake mix, and stir!
Picard: Shut up Number One, I don't know - it doesn't matter!
-=-
SCENE VII
(Meanwhile, in Ten-Forward)
Guinan: Hi. I'm Guinan. I'm not in this one.
-=-
SCENE VIII
(Deanna's quarters, the bedroom, Deanna is lying down, but she can't seem
to get to sleep, all the other members of the crew are gathered around
trying to make it easier on her)
Troi: <Growl>
Picard: Great klingon love poem Worf!
Worf: <Grunt>
Riker: Boy I love this place!
(All turn to Riker)
Riker: Not- that I've ever..<ahem> been here or anything..
Crusher: I'm going to tell you a bed-time story from "The Doctor's Book Of
Boring Bed-Time Stories"
Troi: Uh-oh.
Crusher: Once upon a time, there was a patient with an infected bladder;
this was a bad patient, so he went to a stupid doctor who told him to get
his toes removed.
Picard: That's quite enough Doctor!
Crusher: But I haven't gotten to the spleen explosion yet!
Picard: That's ok! I want to read Shakespeare to the good shrink!
All but Worf: <Groan>
Picard: "To be...or not to be...that is the question, whether it is nobler
in the minds of men..."
Riker: Shut up! I'm gonna read some Brayer to her! "To pee..or to kill
something, whether it is an implosion in the minds of fish.."
Troi: OH SHUT UP!!! ALL OF YOU! HOW CAN I SLEEP WITH YOU ALL BOTHERING ME!
All but Worf: Oops.
Picard: We'll be leaving now.
Worf: <Gruntnod>
Picard: I have to work on a speech anyhow, "The value of dead things in
the modern aristocracy".
Riker: And I have to not shave.
Crusher: And I have to kill, er save a few patients.
Worf: And I have to..
Troi: LEAVE!
(All cower and run out)
Troi: Alka Seltzer to the rescue (Gulp)
(Clunk)
(Troi enters her dream, suddenly she sees many cats they all crawl up to
her and look up at her, she kneels down)
Troi: Aw, nice kitties
Cats: <GROWL>!!!!!!!!!!!!
Troi: Er, loud kitties.
Cats: MILK!
Troi: <Gasp> <Growl> <Grunt> Glurp!
(Coughs up a hairball)
Cats: Yuck. Milk!
Troi: Here.
(Troi gives the Cats some 2% milk)
Cats: We wanted SKIM MILK! We're on diets you know!!
Troi: Glurp!
(Coughs up a hairball)
-=-
Announcer: And so it would come to pass that Deanna Troi's
dreams of coughing up hairballs would pass, and
The Aliens would leave, contended, they weren't
really on diets of course; they just had fun
PO'ing Deanna. And all lived happily ever after.
Even Picard, who got a good scraper for the hairball
on his head.
Strange Man In Suit: I would like to protest for bald men
everywhere! Do we go around making fun of you when we have hair! I would
like to protest also about the nature of this parody on our lovely animals
cats ! They don't cough up a hairball when they're dreaming do they? I'd
also like to-
(A bomb drops on the man)
Announcer: And now things are much happier.
-=-