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PELLETS.TXT
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1993-02-03
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13KB
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331 lines
RIB Productions
Proudly bring to you
"Pellets"
An ST:TNG Parody of "Relics"
by Robert I. Brayer, @ 1:363/82
(The Scotty Parody)
("cleaned up" by Ray Brown, TFDN_PL, @ 1:135/70)
-=-
SCENE I
(On the Bridge)
Geordi: Captain, we're getting a distress signal from that large black
thing.
Picard: Are you sure that's not just a large dirt spot on the screen?
Riker: How could we get a distress call from it then?
Picard: Even so..
(He pulls out some WISK and paper towels and shoots the screen he then
proceeds to try and wipe it off)
Picard: Tough stain.
Data: It's not a stain!
Picard: What is it then?
Data: A large black thing floating in space! sheesh!
Picard: And how do you know that?
Data: I've done sensor sweeps.
Picard: So what, our ship isn't perfect!
Geordi: People, people! Distress call!
Picard: Ok ok.. bring us within transporter range and transport us there.
Ro: We're already within range.
Picard: Then I guess we should go already! Shoulda told me that.
All but Worf: <Sigh>
Picard: Riker, take Geordi and Worf and beam down there.
Riker: Can we take a machine gun? Hmm? Pretty please?
Picard: NO! Only a phaser!
Riker: OK!
Geordi<to Riker>: Why did you want a machine gun?
Riker: Ask for something bigger and get what you really want!
Data: I wanted a case of Spam-Lite.
All But Worf: SHUT UP!
Troi: He's definetly...
-=-
SCENE II
(In an abandoned ship- Geordi is looking at a control panel)
Geordi: Commander! This is odd! I've got a life sign!
Riker: What!? How!?
Geordi: Or a pattern. It seems someone has disassembled his molecules and
placed them in... a pellet gun!?
Riker: A pellet gun!? Is it alive?
Geordi: Only one way to find out!
(Geordi pushes the button, Scotty appears!)
Scotty: Thank God someone saved me, I thought I was doomed to being shot
into a little kid's head! It's such a nice sight to finally see people
after all this time!
(Scotty implodes)
Riker: Agh! Why does that feel like dejavu?
Scotty: I don't know!
(Scotty implodes again)
Geordi: We seem to be encountering a common problem with Mr. Scott, he
seems to implode inevitably after only one line!
Scotty: It'sa quite annoying..
(Guess)
Riker: I've got it! What causes implosions?
Geordi: Lack of creativity.
Riker: Right! So, Robert, think of something really bizarre to happen and
Scotty will not implode as you'll be too caught up in it. (We hear a
thundering "Ok what the heck")
(When suddenly Clarence Thomas falls from the sky and lands on the ground
on his head)
Thomas: Ouch.
Riker: What are *YOU* doing here?
Thomas: I'm here to hit on Troi.
Riker: That's my job!
(When suddenly the entire Alaskan Old Men's Nudist Society appears)
The Leader: Geez it's cold!
Thomas: Of course it is- you're naked! Wait for Troi to get down here!
The Leader: You mean if we wear clothes, it won't be cold? I've never worn
clothes.
Geordi: When does the Alaskan Blind Bellydancer Squad get here?
Riker: Don't you have the schedule of events?
Geordi: I left it in my cabin...
Thomas: A likely excuse, they're scheduled for backup work if a parody
really starts to fail!
Scotty: AGH! Does anyone remember that I'm here?
Riker: Yup.
Scotty: I didn't implode!! Beam me up, O'Brien. God, I've always wanted to
say that!
New Transporter Chief Of The Week: I'm sorry, O'Brien is on leave, this is
Schmo, what can I do for you?
Scotty: Agh! Ruin my big moment!
(The four are beamed up)
Worf<In transport>: <Grunt>
-=-
SCENE III
(In the Transporter room)
Picard: Welcome to the Enterprise, Mr...?
Data: Scott, is it?
Scotty: Call me Scotty!
Riker: Hello Mr. Scotty.. was it a pleasant trip?
Scotty: Waiting several years in a pellet gun? Would *YOU* call that
pleasent?
Riker: Well it would depend on the company.
Troi<Kicking Riker>: Shut up Will!
Scott: Ahh.. the Enterprise! I served on the Enterprise before!
Picard: What an *INCREDIBLE* coincidence!
Geordi: Ah sir, I'm going to take you to your cabin, so come with me.
Scotty: Aye!
-=-
SCENE IV
(The hallway)
Geordi: I mean it was simply brilliant, to tighten up in a ball, and then
have the pellet gun suck you in, how did you think of it? Scotty: Well you
see, it was a super weight loss program, they figured they'd keepya there
for about a year and then shoot you out thinner! How long has it been
anyway?
Geordi: 75 years.
Scotty: 75 years!?!?!?!? Oh lord the price of Scotch must be through the
roof by now!
Geordi: Er..could be.. Ah we're here..I hope it's suitable to your needs!
Scotty: My needs? Laddie in my day my entire cabin was a closet! I had 16
roommates, no shower, (that's why I always smelled), and I had to walk 11
miles in the snow just to get to the bridge! Why the turbolifts were so
slow we had TURBOLIFT MUSIC! And ..
Geordi: Er ..if you'll excuse me I need to get going.. I'll be happy to
take you on a tour sometime..of engineering and-
Scotty: ENGINEERING! LADDIE! Let's go right now!
Geordi: But, uh..I have work to do!
Scotty: Work? You're an engineer you don't WORK!
Geordi: Then what do I do?
Scotty: You eat lots of doughnuts. They're good for you.
Geordi: Is that how you got so fat?
Scotty: Why laddie this is from years of work I'll have ya know!
Geordi: Look Mr. Scott..I've been as nice as I can be- but you're in my
way here!
Scotty: I'll have you know- I was an engineer before Picard was bald!
Geordi: Low blow! Good BYE!
-=-
SCENE V
(In Ten-Forward....Scotty walks in)
Scotty: Give me some pancakes!
Waiter: Yes sir!
(Scotty waits a little and the man comes back with some pancakes and syrup)
Waiter: Here you go sir!
(Scotty takes a bite)
Scotty: What is this crud!? in my day we had REAL pancakes!
Waiter: I'm sorry sir..
Data: If I may...
(The waiter shrugs)
Data: The Captain is not familer with Synthapancakes..
Scotty: Synthawhat?
Data: See? We have perfected the art of making non-alcholoic perfectly
safe and not dangerous pancakes!
Scotty: What good are they then?!
Data: Do not worry, Guinan has a little stash of real pancakes here we can
dig from!
(Data takes out a plate of wholesome, well-cooked pancakes and Scotty
looks at them happily. He downs one..)
Scotty: Yum! This is how pancakes should be done! Nice and deadly and
alcholoic like!
(Scotty grabs the plate and leaves mumbling to himself)
-=-
SCENE VI
(Outside the holodeck)
Scotty: That Data guy says you can make an image of me' favorite
Blind Alaskan Bellydancing Squad!
Computer: Specify Squad, Squad-A, B, C, or D
Scotty: No bloody A, B, C OR D! Only the original BABS were good!
Computer: Program complete..you may enter.
(Scotty enters..)
Scotty: Good lord!
(He sees Bellydancers that would be very seductive; if they didn't keep
walking into each other..evidently this was before VISORs).
Trixie: Look at me!
Candi: Look at me!
(They do.. and crack into each other)
Trixie And Candi <At once>: Ouch!
Scotty: Just what I need..(downs several pancakes).. A plate o' pancakes,
and me favorite girls.. but they're just illusions.. but they're so real..
(Picard suddenly enters)
Picard: Mind if I interrupt?
(A bellydancer inadvertantly walks into Picard and falls down)
Picard: Sorry about that.
Scotty: Sure... Would you like some pancakes Cap'n?
Picard: Sure I'll have some..<urp> <slurp>...Ah..2250 vintage!
Scotty: How did you know that!?
Picard: Where do you think Guinan got them from? I regurgitated them and
then Data reassembeled 'em.
Scotty: You'rea fine cap'n..<hic> ..and you've got a fine blind alaskan
bellydancing squad..but.. I'm stuck on mine own..
(A few fall over Scotty)
A few: Augh.
Picard: I know how that is..they're always there when the parody is
failing..I remember my first back on the Stargazer..boy a few wandered off
into the transporter and ended up on a Ferengi ship! Boy that sure
confused em!
Scotty: Agh. (pukes on Picard)
Picard: Agh. (Pukes on Scotty)
-=-
SCENE VII
(On The bridge)
Data: Sir we're coming up to a planet..
Picard: Yes..?
Data: A planet made solely of cheese and populated entirelly by UPC
Symbols from rejected products!
Picard: I won't even touch it.. we must be failing horribly, Robert's
going to *EXTREMES*!
Riker: Ah well.. as long as things don't get *TOO* weird.
(The bridge doors open, Scotty staggers out, drunk on pancakes!)
Scotty: Mr. Worf! Lock all phasers on.....Data!
Data: Agh!
Worf: <grunt>
Picard: This is my ship!
Scotty: Not annymore..I'vea assumed..com..comm..command!
Picard: Then what do *I* do?
Scotty: You'll become the transporter..operationer... no go down and do it!
(Scotty turns around and before Picard steps into the turbolift he vomits
into it then pats Picard on the back, knocking him in, he then turns back
around)
Scotty: Now there'sa gonna be some rule changes around here..for
instance..the Klingon has gotta go!
Worf: <grunt>?!
Ro: But he's an integral part of the crew!
Scotty: Yeah but he needs to go to makeup..fix that forehead..
Worf: <Grunt> I *LIKE* my forehead!
(Scotty stumbles to the view screen and bumps his head into it)
Scotty: What'sa that planet?
Riker: It's a planet made with cheese and populated by un-used UPC codes!
Scotty: Great! Hail them!
Worf: <Grunt>
Scotty: I thought I said to get that guy outta here!
(The Parody police pull up in a big van. They come out and arrest Worf)
Police: Ok, you have the right to not grunt,
Worf: <Grunt>
Police: You have just lost that right! You will now be strip searched by
our collection of leeches!!
Worf: <whimper>
(They pull off)
Data: Sir, the UPC symbols are acknowledging our hails.
Scotty: Ona..the..screen
(On screen come large UPC Symbols)
UPC#1: What do ya want? We're busy having our large scanning/mating day
celebration!
Scotty: I am Cap'n Montgomary Scott of the Starship ....er...
Riker<whispered>: Enterprise..
Scotty: Enterprise! <Scotty pukes and collapses>
UPC#1: What was that all about?
Riker: Sorry; he's a little smashed.
UPC#1: Well I'm angry now! I'm firing on you!
Ro: Wait! I have a solution!
UPC#1: What?
Ro: Kill Troi!
All: Yeah! Kill Troi!
(Troi runs towards the turbolift screaming "AGGGH!!" She hits the doors
and they don't open)
Troi: <Clunk>. Ouch.
UPC#1: How's that gonna solve anything!?
Ro: Make a lot of Trekkers real happy!
Scotty: Enough! Ensign Picard beam me down!
Picard: Aye. <mumbled>: I hate this job!
(Scotty is beamed down to the planet of the rejected UPC symbols)
-=-
SCENE VIII
(Scotty can see a buncha UPC symbols, one walks up to him)
UPCguy: Stupid human! You are now our prisoner! We will attach baby UPC
symbols to your butt and run you through our scanners till you scream in
agony!
Scotty: Laddie.. you don't know who you're dealing with!
UPC: Who then!?
Scotty: The best technical jargon man in the history of
civilization!! Even though I'm <hic> drunk!
UPC: Oh no! RETREAT!! RUN AWAY!!
(We can see many UPC code symbols running in fear)
Scotty: Glad there's no one else on this planet!
Man: You're wrong!
Scotty: Why..who are you!?
Man: I am...VICEPRESIDENTIALDEBATEGUY!
Scotty: No you're not.
VPDG: Yes I am!
Scotty: Are not!
VPDG: Are too!
Scotty: You're the one that voted to kill those helpless, cute,
furry, tribbles!
VPDG: Did not! Agh..I'm *MELTING*! I'm MELTING!!!
(VPDG melts)
Scotty: I have conquered this planet, I know claim it..for SPAIN!
Columbus: Hey!! That's *MY* line!
Scotty: Is not!
Columbus: AGH!!
(Columbus melts)
Picard: I've taken back over my ship! Are you ready to come home?
Scotty: <Clunk>(faints)
Riker: I guess that's a yes!
-=-
SCENE IX
(In the shuttlebay, Scotty is leaving and saying his goodbyes)
Scotty: G'bye laddie, and thanks for all the pancakes.
Data: I'll miss you. Or would. If I was human. (Breaks into tears, his
face starts to rust, and he breaks into a musical number)
Data: Oh ..It's not easy..being ...albino....
Scotty: I'll miss you too Dr. Crusher, 'specially since you didn't have a
part in this one!
Crusher: AGH! I'm calling my agent.
Scotty: G'bye Cap'n..maybe our bellydancing squads will meet soon, oh, and
thanks for that great shuttlecraft fully equipped with several Klingon
Death Video games. I'll be entertained for years!
Picard: My pleasure!
Riker: <sigh>
Troi: Where is Worf, anyways?
(Suddenly there's a giant hole in the hull as Worf races in with a police
truck chasing him)
Cop: STOPPP!!!!
Worf: AGGGH!!!!<Grunt>
(They go through the other side of the hull and are gone)
Guinan: I'd just like to say that in real life, I like pancakes just as
much as all of you.
All But Scotty: SHUT UP!!!
-=-
Announcer: And so Scotty left, and after Worf flew threw the air for quite
a considerable time until Worf decided he could just *EAT* the police car.
And did so.
Worf: <urp><grunt>
Announcer: And so everyone was happy, though Worf resented Scotty quite a
bit, and the Blind Alaskan Belly-dancing Squad went on in their
entertainment. As I understand it, Clarence Thomas has hired them.
Thomas: That's a blatent lie!!!
(Thomas melts)
-=-
NEXT WEEK:
A lot of memory loss.
Really.