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Text File | 1993-02-03 | 12KB | 280 lines

From Robert Brayer, @ 1:363/82 ("cleaned up" by Ray Brown, TFDN_PL, @ 1:135/70) "Insane At Command, Part Two" (A Parody) ....Last time, on RIB Trek: The Next Hallucination -=- Announcer: A new captain takes command of the Enterprise! -=- Admiral: I know what you mean..now meet your replacement! (A man with a twisted look walks out) Jelleco: Hi! I'm going to be the new captain of this ship. I was just transfered in from the Cairo! -=- Announcer: And the new captain is a psycho! -=- Jelleco: I want 3600 shifts! Each one has one minute a day! -=- Announcer: And Picard, Dr. Crusher & Worf go on a deadly mission! -=- Picard: We have discovered a station in which the Cardassians are sending out signals, and so we're going to infiltrate it! -=- Announcer: But Picard is captured.. and so begins a series of brutual torture scenes ! -=- Big Cardassian Guy: We're going to.. FORCE YOU TO READ THIS PARODY AGAIN! Picard: No! -=- RIB Productions Proudly bring to you "Insane At Command, Part Two" An ST:TNG Parody of "Chain Of Command, Part Two" By Robert I. Brayer We hope to break a long streak of terrible part twos here, We at RIB Productions will work hard to serve YOU. Because we love you. And it shows. -=- SCENE I (Directly after the final line) BCG: Yes. You will have to read part one again. Now we can settle this peacefully, or we can have a little torture scene. Picard: Well, peacefully would make this a very short episode, I think I'll resist. BCG: It's your option. Big guys! Come in and hold him up! (Two big guys walk in, look at Picard, grunt, and pick him up over their heads) BCG: And now it's time to play.. pick your torture! Spin the wheel of torture Captain! You may land on such varied tortures as extreme exposure to abortion protesters, viewing of more then one episode of Regis & Kathy Lee in a 24 hour time period, - Picard: NO! I'd better be lucky! BCG: And even worse- we will feed you mass amounts of Mexican food- and then..not allow you to go to the bathroom!! Picard: Maybe I'll get lucky and hit free parking. BCG: Free parking? Picard: Yeah, that one space, right on the left side. (The Big Cardassian guy looks and sees it right there!) BCG: Agh! I forgot to remove that one! That absolves you from torture! (Picard walks up to the huge wheel, and tries his luck) BCG: Come on, big money..big torture..lots of pain... The Home Audience: Dramatic acting! Dramatic acting! BCG: Be quiet home Audience! (The wheel stops) BCG: You've won.. a day of.. pampering by beautiful women in skimpy outfits!? What kind of torture is that!? Where did THAT come from? Picard: I don't know. But I'll take it. BCG: Well er.. you see those lights behind me? Picard: Yes... BCG: How many do you see? Picard: Four. BCG: But..there are FIVE lights. Picard: What do you have some sort of counting problem? BCG: NO! There are FIVE LIGHTS! Picard: Did you flunk math as a child? One, two, three, FOUR! BCG: I think you're missing the point. Picard: Point nothing! You're telling me there is five when I can clearly tell there is four.. wait a second! Move your head! (The BCG does so in curiosity!) Picard: Five! Yeah there was one there behind your head! BCG: <Sigh>(hits his head onto the desk) Picard: You really shouldn't do that. It's bad for your brain. -=- SCENE II (Day Two..We see Picard walk out happily) BCG: Now will you tell us? Picard: Are you kidding? I love this 'punishment'. BCG: Very well..then..spin the wheel! (Picard walks over and spins the wheel..it stops) BCG: It's landed on... Buy One, Get One Free day at K-Mart!?!?? Picard: OH BOY!!! BCG: What's going on here!? Where are all the torture devices?!?! FIVE LIGHTS DANGIT! Picard: See ya! (Picard walks out) BCG: I didn't want to know anything special..I didn't ask for defense plans for this sector! All I want to know is his mother's chocolate chip cookie recipie! Why won't he tell me? (The Big Cardassian guy turns and looks at the wheel of "torture") BCG: What is this, look at all this great stuff! How did this become a wheel of torture? Must have been one heck of an error! (Meanwhile at the RIB Production Studios in Beautiful Downtown Ocoee) -=- SCENE III Generic Executive: How did THAT become a wheel of torture!? RIB President: I don't know, but Robert won't be very happy! How can we break the streak of bad Part II's with Picard having a good time of it?! (Suddenly a secretary walks in) Secretary: Excuse me sirs, the new supply of running jokes are here. GE: What? That won't make it a good part II? Secretary: Ask the new guy, he ordered five cases. Executive: Sorry guys..I'm also the guy who decided on the wheel of 'torture', I figured we'd get better ratings. GE: You realize you want against regulations in torture situations? Executive: Which one? GE: Regulation 13 V.B.C. In which I quote, "Thou Shalt not get away from a great chance to torture a character" Executive: Oops. GE: I say we lynch him. Masses outside: YEAH! LYNCH HIM! (Several executives run forward and lift up the executive) Executive: NO!!! I have a contract! (They throw him out of a window) RIB President: Here at RIB Productions, if we find an executive responsible for a bad idea, we kill them. So tell us about your bad ideas, so that we may continue to kill our staff. Thank you and now back to our picture. -=- SCENE IV (In Ten-forward, Guinan and Troi are having an argument) Troi: MY Psycho for treatment! Guinan: No he's MY Psycho! Troi: MINE! Guinan: MINE! (Troi and Guinan both turn around, surprised) Troi: Er.. Guinan: We're sorry..we thought we were still in a studio scene... Troi: But he IS my psycho. (Jellico walks over) Jellico: What are you two arguing about? Guinan: We're just trying to figure out who gets to provide you with loving and caring advice. Troi: Right, and I may be dressed as a Gorilla. But I care. Jellico: But I'm not a psycho! Guinan: Of *COURSE* you're not! Troi: That's denial. First stage. See? I really AM a shrink! I really know what I'm talking about! Guinan: No you don't. You're just here for sex appeal. Troi: Then why am I dressed as a gorilla? Guinan: To appeal to male gorillas. Troi: How many watch? Guinan: How should I know?! I don't know the ratings! Troi: None watch! No gorillas watch this show! Guinan: Of course they do. Troi: I'm not here for sex appeal, I'm here because I know about psychology! Why are YOU here!? Guinan: I'm here to appeal to the hat crowd! Jelleco: The HAT crowd? Guinan: Yes, the thousands of viewers that wear hats. They tune in for me. Troi: No one tunes in for hats! Guinan: No one tunes in for psychology! Troi: No gorillas turn in! (Suddenly, a gorilla walks in) Gorilla: I'll have you know, that I watch this show simply for Troi's sex appeal in a gorilla costume. In fact; I've brought several hundred gorillas with me that can attest to that and are happy that you had Troi dress up in a gorilla suit. Here's your money Captain Jelleco. Jelleco: Er..couldn't you have waited? Troi: You mean you dressed me up like this because gorillas paid you?! Jelleco: Well..I also dressed up like this because... (Jelleco rips off his face- it's a mask!) Jelleco: I am a gorilla too! Guinan: So that's your secret! I thought you just had bad breath! Troi: I am NOT here to appeal to you, Captain Jelleco! Jelleco: Well you don't. Just these three hundred gorillas that are stowed away in your cabin. Troi: In my cabin!!?! (Suddenly Riker walks in) Riker: Er guys, may I remind you that Captain Picard is in danger? Jelleco: Great! Adjourned! Drive safely everyone. -=- SCENE IV (We see Worf, Picard and Crusher in funny suits in a tunnel racing around with phasers) Crusher: Jean-Luc, why are we in funny suits in a tunnel racing around with phasers? Picard: How should I know? I didn't write the lead-in! Worf: <Grunt> Picard: Nope..nope.. the reaction time wasn't quick enough. Crusher: The reaction time for *WHAT*!? Picard: The reaction time for how quick Worf grunted! Worf: <Grunt> Crusher: Of what relevence is that!? Picard: No relevence we just needed something to time! I just got my new stopwatch and I hadn't used it yet. Crusher: So how do we make Worf grunt faster? Picard: We don't really need to do that I just wanted to test my watch. Crusher: Oh. -=- SCENE V (A few hours later) Worf: <Grunt> Picard: brilliant! -=- SCENE VI (On the bridge, Captain Jelleco steps on) Jelleco: Plot a course for Cardassian space. Ensign Loser: Plotted! Jelleco: Engage. Commander Riker, have you made the shift switches? Riker: No sir, I talked to the barber and he said the switches would throw off his whole schedule. Jelleco: TO HECK with the barber! Make the switches! NOW! Riker: Yessir! (Riker goes and does something. Suddenly the whole bridge crew runs off. And a new one comes in, the same thing happens a minute later. Riker, however, remains) Jelleco: Excellent. Mr. Data, I want to reroute our forward phasers through the back side of our ship. Data: But why not just shoot those phasers there? Jelleco: How should I know? Now if we take the auxillary circuitry of the hair dryer in Troi's room, and we switch it with the iron density of Mr. Worf's sash, we should be able to accomplish absolutely nothing! Get to it! Data: Yes sir! (Suddenly we see, a Gorilla step on to the bridge) Jelleco: That's better Troi. You're in uniform now. Troi: Then why do I feel so silly? Jelleco: You're the shrink! YOU figure it out! I'm going to Engineering, Data come with me! Data: Yes sir! (Data and Jelleco walk off, the shifts then switch) -=- SCENE VII (We see Jelleco immersed in a conversation with Geordi) Geordi: Sir! There's NO WAY I can implement such changes in so quick a time! Jelleco: What's the matter? Lazy!? Geordi: Lazy, nothing! But we can't power this ship on a TRS-80! Jelleco: You'll just have to DO IT! (Jelleco walks off, Riker enters) Geordi: Commander! How are we supposed to do all this stuff? Riker: I don't know! You should see what he ordered for security! Worf is having a fit! Geordi: What could he have done? Worf LOVES extra work! Riker: I don't think you understand.. (The camera switches to a shuttle bay with Worf commanding cadets in the fine art of paper mache. We see Worf whimpering) Geordi: You don't mean he's giving them Arts & Crafts!? Riker: Yes! Picard may like it..but for Worf it's a nightmare! Geordi: There's only one thing to do! Riker: Go talk to Captain Picard? Geordi: Ok. Two things. I figured we could call the Captain Killer! Riker: Nah I'd better go talk to Picard. -=- SCENE VIII (We see Picard lying back on his couch relaxing after some hard training, he looks pooped, we hear a noise) Picard: COME! (Riker walks in ) Riker: Uh ..sir.. hey what's wrong? You look terrible! Picard: Hard day of training. Now all I want to do is lay back and relax..yeah nothing to worry about on my mind! Riker: <cough, cough>..Uh I wanted to talk to you about the new captain.. Picard: Ah, Jelleco! I hear he's running you guys around! Good! That's what you need! Riker: WHAT!? Picard: Haha.. just kidding..calm down Will..I'll go talk to the guy.