Usenet 1994 January/usenetsourcesnewsgroupsinfomagicjanuary1994.iso/answers/lemur-faq/part4

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From: [e-mail] (Joel Furr)
Subject: alt.fan.lemurs: Frinkquently Asked Questions (Part 4 of 6, Lemurs Versus Cows)
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Summary: This FAQ posting details the ugly truth behind the Lemur-Cow feud.
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Archive-name: lemur-faq/part4
Alt-fan-lemurs-archive-name: lemur-faq/part4
Last-modified: 1993/07/06
Version: 3.0

    Official USENET Alt.Fan.Lemurs Frinkquently Asked Questions
                 Part 4 of 6  -- Lemurs Versus Cows

This posting contains the ugly truth behind the Lemur-Cow feud.

------------------------------

                           The Questions

(1) What's the story about these Lemurs I occasionally see flying
     past my window?
(2) How come the Lemurs can get onto the cow starship when the
     cows themselves can't get back in?
(3) What is the Terror Cow?
(4) What is the Cowship Investigation Agency?
(5) Is Allan Murphy actually a cow?
(6) Has anyone besides Allan had these weird cow experiences?
(7) What was the so-called "Last Report of Agent North By North-
     west?"
(8) Where can I get weapons to fend off the Cows?
(9) Have Microsoft and IBM been infiltrated by the Cows?
(10) Are the lemurs actually stringing the cows along, laughing
     from the shadows while the cows fumble about on their mad
     dreams of world domination?
(11) What are all these cow-related things doing in a lemurs
     newsgroup?


------------------------------

                            The Answers


(1) What's the story about these Lemurs I occasionally see flying past
my window?

When you see a Lemur fly past your window, odds are that it was
one of the Lemurs trying out the new anti-grav packs they've
"borrowed" from the cows' ship. [We refer here to the Cow Ship
rumored to be hidden somewhere in the fields around Blacksburg,
Virginia, the ship that the ancestors of all cows traveled to this
planet in before losing the key and locking themselves out) The
anti-grav packs used to be horseshoe-mounted, with four to a cow.
But as individual units, they'll lift a Lemur quite nicely.  Of
course, they are programmed to accept verbal cow commands, so the
Lemurs have to "Moo" to fly with them.

Lemur hackers are at this very moment trying to reprogram the
anti-grav packs to accept commands in Lemur-ese, a job complicated
by the cows' practice of programming all their equipment with a
powerful Multiple-Object-Oriented (MOO) language.  The Lemur
hackers are attempting to install a highly technical form of
Lemur-ese: from what we hear, there are 3 separate words they're
trying to install for one command:

      * the first, or "prefrink", command, is the action (what the
      Lemur wants to happen)
      * the second, or "cofrink", command, is the recipient of the
      action (e.g., if the prefrink is "attack" [in Lemur-ese, of
      course], the cofrink would be, for example, Daniel
      Pawtowski, to pick a name at random)
      * the third word, or "postfrink", is similar to what in
      English we call an adverb.  Example, "fly Tulsa _quickly_"
      (translated from Lemur-ese).  Or, "attack store _nuclear_."

-----------

(2) How come the Lemurs can get onto the cow starship when the cows
themselves can't get back in?

Lemurs are much smaller and more agile than the cows, so they've
managed to unbolt the grates over the intakes for the scramjets
and gain access to the ship's interior via the engineering
crawlways.  They love to sit up on the bridge, staring through the
windows at all the surrounding cows with their big eyes.  This, of
course, annoys the cows to no end.  Luckily for them, though, the
main systems cannot be activated by a Lemur, as they are keyed to
the security codes imbedded into the forward hooves of the Command
Cows.

The worrying thing is this: what happens if the Lemurs find a way
to hotwire the main weapons panels?  Without access to the power
systems the guns would only be at about one-tenth power but still,
that could toast a major city before you could say "heat wave."
The cows are just not up there when it comes to devious pranks
such as the Lemurs are known to excel at.  After all, our big-eyed
Lemurs are primates. And primates, as we all know, are the natural
leaders.  Look who's wearing the pants around THIS planet anyway.
Primates. Cows are more brute-force stand-around-and-be-bored-and-
chew-your-cud kinda creatures.  You'll never see anyone painting
pictures of bucolic herds of Lemurs chewing cud against a
hill-side and sunset backdrop.

-----------

(3) What is the Terror Cow?

Well, basically, the theory goes that there's ONE cow that
somehow has access to the high-tech arsenal aboard the cow ship.
Perhaps this cow does not actually have access to the ship
itself, but rather to a secret store of weapons taken off the
ship before the keys were lost.  In any case, the Terror Cow is
both heavily armed and bad-tempered.

The lemurs have still not figured out how the Terror Cow manages
to keep its supply of rocket-launched grenades and other weapons
of mass destruction up.  Just when you think "The Terror Cow MUST
be out of anti-tank missiles," there comes that knock on your
front door and that low, eerie-sounding mooing.

Ron Jarrell, who is probably reading this, once wrote an abso-
lutely hysterical post on the subject of the Terror Cow.  Had
very little to do with lemurs, but let's treat it as a sort of
tangent.  Anyway, it went something like this:

"I was sitting at home one night when I heard someone knocking at
my front door.  I was upstairs so I looked out the window to see
who it was. Looking down, I saw what appeared to be a large
bovine creature standing on its hind legs, ringing the doorbell.
Sitting out on the street was a large tanklike vehicle with guns
all over it."

"I called down, 'Who is it?'"

"Moooove your car, it's blocking the road."

"I don't HAVE a car."

"Mooooove your furniture."

"I didn't hire any movers, I'm not moving."

"Terror Cow."

"Why didn't you say so in the first place?"

The Terror Cow has been sighted many times over the years, always
mooving ominously about in a large armored vehicle armed with
weapons of mass destruction.  A very cheesed off bovine, as far
as anyone can tell.

Mike Knell ([e-mail]) reports:

"I went out for a few beers last night, and when I got back in found
that the steak I'd nailed to my door as protection  against the ven-
geance of the Terrow Cow (I'm on the hit list after the episode with the
three Lemurs, the crisps and some coffee) had been incinerated - it had
obviously grown very hot at some point. When I got in to my room (the
lock had been smashed with a blunt hoof-like object), I found that a big
pile of grass had been left there, and my teddy bear had been shot
through the head. The note left on my VDU read 'Next time, it's
youuuuu...'. Strangely enough, all my milk had been thrown out of the
window as well."

---------------

(4) What is the Cowship Investigation Agency?

The Cowship Investigation Agency, or CIA, is headed by Allan
Murphy.  Allan seems obsessed with uncovering the secrets of the Cow
Ship, at present known only by the lemurs who are small enough to fit
into the scramjet intakes and thereby gain access to the interior of the
ship.  Allan has prepared a "Cowship Investigation Questionnaire",
included immediately below, which he would appreciate your completing
and returning to him if you know anything about the cow ship, the
Terror Cow, or the cow weapons used by the lemurs.

--- Begin Questionnaire
---------8<---------------------------------------------

1)  Are you now, or have you ever been in the employ of cows ?

2)  Come on now, you don't expect me to believe that. Tell the
    truth. It'll be easier that way.

3)  Where is the cow starship ?

6)  What width is a scramjet intake ?

7)  And just exactly how do you know this ?

8)  Are you close friends with any of the following:
     A) A lemur
     B) A tarsier
     C) A koala
     D) A flying phalanger
     E) Any form of sloth
     F) Joel Furr
     G) Gary Larson
     H) A command cow
     I) Other cow- or lemur-related being.

9)  Which of the above do you think would fit up a scramjet
    intake best ?

10) Have you ever heard a cow talk, or seen one act in an unusual
    way ? ( eg, fly through the air, pass by in spacecraft, stand
    up and say "I am a command cow, bow down before me, earth-
    ling" )

11) Have you ever seen bright moving lights in the sky, accompa-
    nied by a low "moo" sound ?

12) Which of the following would persuade you to reveal all about
    the cows plans first ?
      A) A pack of angry tarsiers
      B) A hotwired Mooser up the left nostril
      C) An agent of the Cowship Investigation Agency questioning
         you in a whining voice
      D) Torture -
         D1) Chinese Water torture   ( drip..drip...drip....)
         D2) Chinese Lemur torture   ( frink...frink...frink..)
         D3) Japanese Fish torture   ( sushi'd to death )
         D4) Japanese Geisha torture ( sashay'd to death )
      E) 1 litre of Big K Grape Soda
      F) A night watching videos with hyenas, beer'n'Cheetos
      G) Other-please specify

13) Do you own any suspiciously hi-tech devices ?

14) Do you have an irrational aversion to beef or milk ?

15) Which do you eat on Sundays ?
    A) Mom's apple pie
    B) As many twinkies as you can find, with Big K Grape soda
    C) grass - nice fresh green grass, and plenty of it
    D) Bamboo
    E) Eucalyptus leaves
    F) Other-please specify

16) In your own words, describe a Terror Cow.

+----------------------+-----------------------------------------------+
|                      | Subject marked for: Termination               |
| For Office Use Only  |                     Surveillance              |
|                      |                     Mauling by tarsier pack   |
|                      |                     Big K Grape Soda delivery |
|                      |                     .signature flaming        |
+----------------------+------------------------------------------------

--- End Questionnaire ---------8<------------------------------------

---------------

(5) Is Allan Murphy actually a cow?

Allan says "no."  Well, actually, he goes into more detail:

>I would just like to take this opportunity to point out that, in fact,
>I am NOT a cow!
>I am NOT a cow!
>I am NOT a cow!
>I am NOT a cow!
>
>I've even got the documentation to prove it, look, Cowship Investi-
>gation Agency ID card, driving license, bovine spongiform encephalitis
>immunization certificate...

---------------

(6) Has anyone besides Allan had these weird cow experiences?

Joshua Brandt ([e-mail]) claims to have:

>I was once chased by a group of cows, and was forced to take refuge on
>the roof of a 1940's flatbed truck. They surrounded me, while I
>cowered on the roof, but began to act nervous and finally ran away,
>leaving me in peace. I remember, as I climbed from the truck, a
>strange low "cheep" sound coming from the treetops...

Joshua also makes predictions of what an attack by the Terror Cow would
be like:

>Late at night, there will be a low knocking at your door. Thinking
>it's finally the Twinkie'n'Grape Soda delivery person, you will stride
>happily to answer it. However, once the door is opened, your doom will
>be sealed, and you will find yourself face-to-face with a hulking,
>shadowy figure, glistening with the blood of horribly crush Lemurs and
>their kind. It will wave aside its cloak, and raise up the anti-tank
>missile launcher it carries in its left hoof. With slow deliberation,
>knowing you are frozen with icy terror, it will take aim and slowly,
>oh so slowly, depress the trigger on its weapon of terror.

Susanna Richardson ([e-mail]) had a sighting that
may or may not be cowship-related:

>Well, I grew up in Wisconsin, so that's a pretty broad range to cover
>with a simple answer.  Seeing a cow on top of a granite boulder over
>twenty feet high is almost a religious experience.  Seeing the other
>cows worshipping her is also awe-inspiring. She looked much like any
>of the other Guernseys, so I couldn't tell if she was a command cow
>or not.

---------------

(7) What was the so-called "Last Report of Agent North By Northwest?"

>From: North by Northwest
>Subject: Cow Offensive Warning!
>Date: 7 Apr 1993 18:35:12 GMT
>Summary: Cow invasion fleet spotted!
>Keywords: Cow Ship Key Mooser HELP!
>
>Yesterday, I tried to transmit a report, using a couple of anonymous
>remailers to thwart their intercept operators.  That attempt seems to
>have failed.  Their Universal Decrypted Data Electronic Receivers are
>obviously much more capable than we suspected.
>
>However, I seem to have eluded them for the moment.  I'm using a
>different technique -- maybe I can get thru.  Who could have suspected
>that cows were computer-literate?
>
>I got out of the lab just in time.  This thing that they're after --
>what is it?  It doesn't seem to have any controls -- nothing moves on
>it, and it seems to be all one piece.  It looks almost like a giant key
>... but what could it fit?
>
>I desperately need to contact the Prompt Response Organization for the
>Suppression of the Invasion Mooovement.  I have just realized why this
>object was delivered to the Image Processing Labs at JPL.  Not only
>have we photographed one of the cows' landing craft -- WE CAN SEE THEIR
>INVASION FLEET!
>
>The so-called Comet 1993e "Shoemaker-Levy" is a very peculiar set of
>objects in orbit around Jupiter.  We can distinguish as many as 17
>separate "nuclei" in a precise bar-like formation.  I have photographs
>of this "comet" in electronic form (GIF, JPEG) that I will try to get
>to the proper authorities.
>
>Almost simulaneously, another Kuiper-belt "asteroid" (similar to
>1992QB1) has been located.  Is this the mother ship, lurking far beyond
>Saturn?  Most horrifying of all, we have spotted a supernova! Was
>Supernova 1993J in M81 a  civilization that failed to resist the Combat
>Offensive Weapons of this invasion fleet?  Is it our turn next?
>
>If there is anyone in the Pasadena area who cavD5*{|
>N0 CARRIER

---------------

(8) Where can I get weapons to fend off the Cows?

Leigh Porter ( [e-mail]) writes:

>Hello all!!
>
>We (not a royal 'we' 'cus there really is two of us here) are proud to
>offer the UK's Lemur community a superb range of Lemur goods, direct
and
>at half price from our Lemur house in the Twinkie Zone -
>
>Cow fallout shelter:-
>     This BEEF lined shelter, designed to be used underground will
>     defend any Lemur from over 5000 pats of cow activity, if you are
>     in danger from the Terror Cow, then this is for you.
>
>     Only $5,672,800,000,000
>
>- Rump steak proton guns:-
>     This new weapon will ward away any bovine creature to a safe
>     distance,  using the best Rump steak batteries, this weapon will
>     fire a continuous stream of high energy RUMP protons, harmless to
>     Lemurs but DEADLY to cows at the target.
>
>     Only $7,811,083,784
>
>CowView cow surveillance device:-
>     This small unit, capable of being hidden almost anywhere will
>     monitor all bovine activities and will send them to a suitable
>     receiver at up to 100 Kilometers away.
>
>     Only $102,984
>
>Suitable Receiver:-
>     Suitable receiver for the above item.
>
>     Only $12
>
>You may ask how we manage these WONDERFUL prices, just don't ask!

The prices sound a little steep to me, so perhaps you can bargain Leigh
down.  Offer him (and his "partners in business") some Twinkies.

---------------

(9) Have Microsoft and IBM been infiltrated by the Cows?

Vance Kochenderfer ([e-mail]) reports:

I have discovered an infiltration of truly massive proportions!  Look at
the name of the command interpreter for the IBM PC.  COMMAND.COM.  Flip
the M upside down, and what do you get?  COMMAND.COW!  All postings from
Microsoft and IBM should be suspect from now on...

---------------

(10) Are the lemurs actually stringing the cows along, laughing from the
shadows while the cows fumble about on their mad dreams of world
domination?

You betcha.  The lemurs know what's going on and they're on top of
things.  Rest easy.

---------------

(11) What are all these cow-related things doing in a lemurs newsgroup?

Ask Tim Pierce of alt.config fame, who flamed the idea of an
alt.fan.cows into ash a few months ago.  No, anyway, it has to do
with the origins of lemur fandom at Virginia Tech.  Cow fandom
was going strong at the same time and necessarily, the two
strains got mixed somewhat prior to the emergence of lemur fandom
on the national scene.  Allan Murphy seems obsessed by the cows
enough that one day we may newgroup alt.fan.lemurs.cowship and
turn him loose there just to see what happens.

---------------

The FAQ continues with Part 5 of 6, "Duke University Primate Center."

       --------------------------------------------------------

    Revised April 5, 1993 by Joel Furr, [e-mail]
     Revised July 6, 1993 by Joel Furr, [e-mail]