Shareware Supreme Volume 6 #1/swsii.zip/swsii/201/RUBYV24.ZIP/RUB24-12

Text File | 1993-08-22 | 18KB | 343 lines

Copyright 1993(c)

                    PARTY TIL THE POLICE COME
                          In The Grove
         An ongoing Adventure at Ruby on the Half Shell

     FRAMM!!
     David Freeman heard the front door slam, and braced himself
for another onslaught from Ruby Begonia. Instead, he saw a blur
of silver leather mini-skirt and sequin top flash past his open
office door and disappear down the hall.
     "Thank you, God," he murmured aloud and continued compiling
the Ruby's Pearls two-year anniversary issue. Suddenly, his
fingers froze over the keyboard and a contemplative look crossed
his face. Not bothering him first thing was so unlike Ruby, he
told himself, perhaps something was wro...
     eeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEE screamed what could only be a police
siren, sounding as though it had come to a halt on the front
lawn. He rose and went to find Ruby. He collided with her as she
raced back down the hall toward the living with a 45 LP record in
hand.
     "What are you doing? Where are you going? What are you going
to do with that record? and Is that a police siren?" he asked.
     "No time, Freeman," huffed Ruby, dashing on into the living
room and slapping the record on the stereo. She cranked the
volume up to its highest decibel and David clapped his hands over
his ears as a deafening version of Devil With a Blue Dress On
blasted from the speakers. Ruby positioned the speakers toward
the front lawn and chortled.
     "I saw this on the news," she shouted over the din. "The
noise drives 'em crazy and pretty soon they holler uncle."
     "Ruby," David said as he pulled the plug on the stereo,
"that's for the ones on the inside, which, in this case, happens
to be us. And speaking of that, I wonder if you could tell me
just exactly why it happens to be us."
     "Now don't get'cher panties all in a wad, Freeman," said
Ruby. "You're such a wuss about stuff like this. It's a simple
little misunderstanding, that's all."
     "Simple?" asked David, watching the squad car outside from
which a patrolman appeared to be calling for back-up.
     "Yeah. See, some dumb cop left his police car blocking the
street and I sort of almost ran into it with the Harley only I
didn't and then I just came home, that's all. If my case of cold
beer hadn'ta slipped off the bike I bet they wouldn't have even
followed me," she said, sneaking a peek through the curtains.
"Say, here comes a whole parade of 'em. Must be a slow day at the
Dunkin' Donuts."
     "You are surrounded," said a voice over a loudspeaker from
the front lawn. "Come out with your hands up."
     "Come in an get me, coppers," shouted Ruby.
     "Jesus, Ruby," said a frightened David Freeman, "don't
antagonize them any further, would you?"
     "Pigs!" shouted Ruby. "Dirty-stinkin' coppers! Nyaaah,
nyaaah, nyaaah! You'll never take me alive!"
     "Ruby," said David with amazing patience, considering the
circumstances, "they'll never take you alive because you aren't
alive. Now listen carefully and I'll tell you once more. You'll
forgive me if I don't show the slides this time, what with the
urgency of the situation and all. You remember we talked about
electronic words and images, don't you?"
     "Yeah, yeah," said Ruby. "Lookat them helmets, would you?
Looks like something from outer space, don't it?"
     David peeked through the curtains and saw a squat team
approaching.
     "RUBY, I AM ALIVE, AND I'D LIKE TO STAY THAT WAY!" David
pleaded.
     Ruby regarded him with narrowed eyes. "I never liked you
much, Freeman," she opined. "Stay back, pigs!" she shouted toward
the lawn. "I got hostages!"
     "Come out with your hands over your heads and drop your
weapons," said the speaker voice.
     "Not on your life," shouted Ruby in return. "If I'm going
out, I'm taking some'a you coppers with me." She grinned broadly
and nudged David. "We're havin' us some fun now, huh?"
     "Egad," murmured David. He quickly opened the front door and
raised his hands over his head.
     "Spoilsport!" judged Ruby and vanished back into the
protection of her computer screen.
     "Nice and slow, fella," said the burly policeman with whom
David came nose to nose.
     "Um, officer, I can explain..." David began.
     "Yeah, and you'll get a chance to do just that," said the
policeman. "Cuff him and take him down to the station," he told a
second policeman and prepared to enter the house and search for
the gaudily-clad woman who'd almost run him over.
                               ***
     "I don't know, Captain," explained the officer who arrested
David as the three sat around the captain's desk at the station
house, "one minute she was there and the next she was gone. We
put out an all-points bulletin. She won't get far."
     "Well, I don't see where a charge can be made to stick
against Mr. Freeman," said the captain.
     "That's right, Captain. Like I explained, I don't know who
this woman was. I was at home minding my own business when she
burst through my front door and pulled a gun on me... a gun and a
knife," David amended, looking earnestly from one to the other of
his captives. "She must have stolen the motorcycle from the
driveway and then returned it when the police officer started
chasing her. I guess she escaped out the back when I
surrendered."
     Eventually, David was released. He returned home via three
buses and a brisk walk, to find Ruby lolling around the living
room drinking beer and tapping a piranha-filled heel to the
strains of Devil With a Blue Dress On.
     "Ruby, damnit," said a flush-faced David, somewhat out of
breath from his walk. He flicked perspiration from his forehead,
"you got me arrested and you damn near got me killed."
     "Where's my wheels, man?" asked Ruby. "I got a hot date down
at the Half Shell tonight."
     "Did you hear what I said?" David demanded. "This is not a
joke. The police have your wheels and I doubt they'll be giving
them back anytime in the near future. You can just forget being
mobile for a while."
     "Yeah?" threatened Ruby with a gleam in her eye. "Well then,
you can just forget your funky two-year anniversary party down at
Ruby on the Half Shell, too. Wha'cha gonna' do to entertain all
them folks came from all over BBS land to celebrate, huh? You
think you can entertain 'em with all them dumb card tricks and
stale jokes you tell?
     David thought about that. She was right. Unfortunately, the
Half Shell had been closed for tonight's private celebration and
literally everyone they knew over the BBS community had been
invited to celebrate the occasion. He thought about the plans Del
had made and swallowed.
     "All right, you win," he conceded. "But the motorcycle is O-
U-T, out, got it?"
     "Sure," said Ruby. "I got it. And you better get this... I
don't ride, I don't go. Period. Handle it, genius," she
challenged and flounced off.
                               ***
     The marquee announced the anniversary party in neon letters.
A steady stream of cars pulled up to the front and deposited
people dressed in glittering gowns and tuxedos.
     "Hi'ya Eric," Kent Ballard greeted his long-time BBS chum as
the two entered together. "I hope you brought plenty of bail
money."
     "I won't need it, old pal," predicted Eric confidently. "By
the time they can scoop you up and get you in the wagon I will
have long since escaped out the back."
     The two gave their names to the waiting maitre'd.
     "Ah, yes, Mr. Ballard... from Indianapolis, isn't it?" The
maitre'd smiled and directed Kent and his lovely wife, Tess, to a
ringside table.
     "Hmmmm," he murmured checking the guest list. "I don't seem
to have a reservation for you Mr. Loeb," he told Eric.
     Eric sighed. "Try Evan Loop," he said.
     The maitre'd's eyes brightened. "Ah, yes, Mr. Loop. Right
this way..."
     "But, ..." said Sharon.
     "Forget it," said Eric, taking her elbow and escorting her
to their table.
     "... LOOOOVE... is a many splendored thing " sang Caruso.
     "Miss Plant and Mr. Kirby, I presume?" said the maitre'd and
hastened to seat the couple.
     Lyn Rust came in with Zack Klein and Al Ruffin, spotted a
group of friends from the BBS circuit, and hastened over,
brushing by the maitre'd with a whispered "I know the dime
trick."
     John and Lucia Chambers arrived with Zack perched atop
John's shoulder.
     "I'm sorry, sir," said the maitre'd, "but there are no
animals allowed."
     "Who you callin' an animal, you animal," demanded an
outraged Zack.
     John and Lucia ignored the maitre'd and swept to a ringside
table. "Nice hat," murmured the maitre'd, at a loss as to what
else to do. "Thank you," said Lucia over her shoulder. She
removed the large straw affair with the live orchid spray and
placed it on the table.
     As all took their places and murmured quietly amongst
themselves the band took their places on stage and began to tune
up. Cosmo Chambers and Charlie Wheat bowed to their riotous fans
and faced the crowd.
     "As many of you know, Ruby Begonia and I have had our
differences over time," intoned a serious-faced Cosmo and the
crowd tittered.
     "Differences, huh?" said Kent in a confidential tone to
Eric. "So that's what you call it when somebody fills your car
with jello and saws halfway through your bungee cord. I find it
hard to believe Cosmo would show up for this bash in light of the
stuff Ruby has pulled on him in the past." Eric nodded his
agreement.
     "I bet some of you are wondering why I'm here," Cosmo voiced
Kent's thoughts, "and I can tell you in one word. Money.
Yessirree, they're paying me megabucks to do this, folks, or you
can bet your collective bippees I'd be sippin' umbrella drinks on
a cruise to Cozumel instead." He nodded to the wheat, and it
struck a chord.
     "We're gonna' play you a tune or two and then the guest of
honor oughta' be here, okay?"
     The crowd shouted its okay, and Cos and Charlie broke into a
feverish rendition of "Ain't nobody loves you but your mama, and
she might be jivin' you, too."
                               ***
     "Will you hurry up?" shouted an exasperated David Freeman.
"We're late already."
     "Just keep your knickers on," said Ruby, slathering on a
fresh coat of irridescent blue eye shadow. "Late is good," she
pronounced. "Besides, I don't know as how I'm goin' at all. I
ain't seen no chariot pull up out front."
     Just as she finished speaking, a long white limousine
coasted to the curb in front of the house.
     "Wow," breathed Ruby, mouth agape.
     "Shut your mouth," said David. "Climb your butt in there and
get going."
     "Ain'chou comin?" Ruby asked.
     "I'll be along later," David said, wanting nothing so much
as to get rid of her.
     Ruby tripped out to the limousine, piranha dancing merrily
in the globes of her spike heels. The chauffeur tipped his cap
and held the door for her. He closed the door behind her, made an
obscene gesture in David Freeman's direction, and walked around
and got into the driver's seat.
     "To the the-ah-tuh, Jeeves," ordered Ruby.
     "Don't call me Jeeves," said Waddell Robey.
                               ***
     Sy Feierstadt was busily serving up power drinks at the
Lustre Bar which was three deep in customers anxious to get a
refill while the band took its first break and they all waited
for Ruby Begonia to show up. Naturally, they all turned their
heads and gawked when he walked in.
     He wore a cowboy hat pulled low over his eyes and a string
tie with a turquoise clip. His six-shooter was strapped low over
his hip and he casually ordered a Kiwi Soother and swung around
to gaze out over the crowd.
     "Here you are, sir," said Sy as he served the drink, "and I
hope you have a great and beautiful evening here at the Half
Shell. I don't think I've seen you here before, have I? I like to
get to know my customers," he explained and stuck out his hand.
"I'm Sy, the world's friendliest bartender."
     The gunslinger narrowed his eyes at Sy's outstretched hand.
He seemed to contemplate shaking it but made no move to do so. Sy
withdrew it and shrugged slightly. The gunslinger hummed under
his breath. It sounded to Sly like the theme music from an old
Clint Eastwood movie.
     "Oooo-eee oooo-eee oooo-eee oooo dee dee dee," hummed the
gunslinger as he sipped his drink. He emptied the glass and
thunked it down on the bar, indicating Sy should give him a
refill.
     As Sy approached with the new drink, he leaned over the bar
and rasped in a hoarse whisper, "Where's the pteradactyl?"
     Sy was nonplussed. Obviously this fellow was looking for
trouble and they didn't have any. At least, not until Ruby showed
up. Sy tried to find a delicate way to explain that there was no
pteradactyl.
     The gunslinger seemed thoroughly miffed at the news. He
pulled his six-shooter from his holster and twirled it expertly
on his fingers, sighted along the barrel and returned it to the
holster. A light bulb went on in Sy's head.
     "Say," he said, "I know you, don't I? You're famous, right?"
     The gunslinger merely regarded him with a steely stare.
     "Yep, by golly," said Sy, snapping his fingers. "You're
uh... uh... well, it'll come to me."
     The gunslinger modestly dipped his head.
     Dr. Bonnie Anthony slipped onto a stool next to the
gunslinger at that moment and checked her watch. She was joined
shortly by Howard Belasco and the two regarded the gunslinger.
     "Is this a costume party?" asked Dr. Bonnie.
     "Nah, Dr. Bonnie," answered Sy. "Don'tcha recognize him?
He's famous."
     "Is that thing loaded?" asked Howard, indicating the
gunslinger's six-shooter.
     "Ya' gotta' ask yourself, punk, 'do I feel lucky?'" muttered
the gunslinger in Howard's direction. "Well? Do you?"
     "Not particularly," said Howard, dryly. "Must be the company
I'm keeping," and he took Bonnie's arm and led her to a table.
     The house lights dimmed as Ruby's limousine pulled up out
front. Everybody forgot about the gunslinger until the shooting
started.
                               ***
     Ruby and Lyn were doing a mean rendition of the dime trick
and the joint was jumping when the excitement began. Later, Eric
and Kent agreed that if the wheat hadn't taken a break at an
inopportune time none of it would have happened. As it was,
though, the crowd wanted more and Charlie Wheat broke a guitar
string and had to interrupt the set. A bunch of restless people
stomped their feet and chanted, "More, more, more," while Charlie
feverishly tried to repair the guitar string. Zack decided the
time was right for distraction and began to do his series of
aerial dives to entertain the impatient crowd and the gunslinger
spotted him and took aim. Lucia began to scream as Zack spotted
the threat and dive-bombed beneath the stage. The gunslinger
miscalculated and mistakenly fired, cleanly separating the chaff
and leaving Charlie Wheat dead as a doornail.
     The crowd was appalled. All was silence.
     "What'dya do that for?" asked Cosmo.
     "Listen, when I see a stalk of wheat running around a stage
with a guitar in one hand and a purple drink with an umbrella in
it in the other one, I know he's not collecting for the Ladies
Aviary Society," said the gunslinger, blowing cooly on his
smoking gun.
     Everybody seemed to recover at once, Michael Hahn scooping
up the scorched remains of the wheat and irreverently tossing it
in the trash before dashing for the door with the crowd. David
Freeman wrung his hands and looked helplessly around him,
wondering how Ruby got away so quickly in that limousine he was
paying for.
     eeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEE came the ominous scream he knew so
well. He stood obediently in the center of the abandoned remains
of the party, put his arms out in front of him, wrists together
and waited.
                               ***
     "Say, wha'dya say we find us another hot spot and party the
night away?" Ruby asked Lyn as the limousine led the motorcade of
guests from Ruby on the Half Shell down through the Grove. Lyn
nodded her acquiescence, and then turned her head and pointed
excitedly out the window.
     "Look," said Lyn, "there's that cowboy who started all the
ruckus."
     Sure enough, the mysterious gunslinger of the evening's
madness was strolling casually down the middle of Coconut Grove's
nightlife, peering curiously about on the lookout for
pteradactyls, no doubt. Ruby rolled down the window and hailed
him.
     "Hey! Hey you! Cowboy!," she shrieked. "Want to have some
fun?"
     The gunslinger looked the car over, noting its occupants
were the dancers he'd seen at Ruby on the Half Shell. He seemed
to consider the offer, finally nodding to himself.
     "Yeah. Why not?" he asked aloud. "Go on... make my day," he
decided and climbed into the limousine.
     "Take us to a happenin' spot, Jeeves," Ruby ordered the
driver.
     "Stop calling me Jeeves," said Waddell.
     "Yeah, whatever," said Ruby. "Speakin' of callin' people,
what do we call you, cowboy?" she asked their new companion.
     "Oooo-eee oooo-eee oooo-eee oooo dee dee dee," sounded
throughout the interior of the limousine.
     "Hey, Lyn, lookit!" said Ruby. "This guy comes with music,
just like Penny and Greg. Well, not just like Penny and Greg. I
like this music better, don't you? Anyway, cowboy, wha'dja say
your moniker is?"
     "I didn't," muttered the gunslinger between clenched teeth.
He squinted narrowly at the girls, seeming to decide to accept
them.
     "Since you asked me nicely, however, you can call me Dirty
Herman," said Herman Holtz. "Move along, Jeeves!" he ordered the
driver.
     Waddell eyed the slant-eyed sneer of the gunslinger and
noticed him fiddling with his holster.
     "Yes, sir, sir! Jeeves moving right along," he said as he
pressed on the gas.
                               END