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DEFINE.DOC
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1990-03-10
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6KB
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167 lines
UNDERSTANDING COMPUTERS
For Advanced Programers
Author Unknown
Do You feel confused by the jargon of the personal computer
revolution? Afraid to enter the world of the computer salesman to
browse because you don't understand the language? Well, Here's a
quick lesson on just what some of those slick phrases you've heard
really mean!!
???- COMPATIBLE (Brand deleted but you know who . . .) Not fully
compatible
FULLY ???- COMPATIBLE
Somewhat compatible, but won't run BASIC programs.
100% ???- COMPATIBLE
Compatible with most available hardware and software, but not
with the blockbusters ??? always announces the day after
tomorrow.
LAP TOP
Smaller and lighter than the average secretary.
PORTABLE
Smaller and lighter than the average refrigerator.
TRANSPORTABLE
Neither chained to a wall nor attached to an alarm system.
HARD DISK
A device that allows naive users to delete vast amounts of data
with a few simple commands.
MOUSE
A peripheral originally named "veriform appendix" because of its
functional resemblance. Renamed for it's usefulness as a cat toy.
PRINTER
An electromechanical paper shredding device.
MODEM
A peripheral used in the unsuccessful attempt to get two
computers to communicate with each other.
NETWORK
An electronic means of allowing more than one person at a time to
corrupt, trash, or otherwise cause permanent damage to useful
data.
DOCUMENTATION
A perplexing linen-bound accessory resorted to only in situations
of dire need when friends and dealers are unavailable. Normally
employed only as a decorative bookend.
UNDERSTANDING COMPUTERS
For Advanced Programers
Author Unknown
(Continued)
USER-FRIENDLY
Supplied with a full color manual. (See DOCUMENTATION above).
VERY USER-FRIENDLY
Supplied with an on-disk and a videotape tutorial, so the user
needn't bother with the full color manual.
EASY TO LEARN
Hard to use.
EASY TO USE
Hard to learn.
EASE TO LEARN & USE
Little to learn , less to use.
POWERFUL
Hard to learn , dangerous to use.
MENU-DRIVEN
Easy to use, tedious to use.
COPY-PROTECTED
(1) A clever method of preventing incompetent pirates from
STEALING Software, and preventing legitimate customers from
USING it.
(2) A means of distinguishing honest users from thieves, by
preventing larceny by the former but not the later.
WARRANTY
An unconditional guarantee that the program purchased is actually
included in the box.
VERSION 1.0
Buggier than Main in June. Eats data.
VERSION 1.1
Eats data only occasionally. Upgrades free to avoid litigation
by disgruntled users of version 1.0 .
VERSION 2.0
The version originally planned as the first release ( except for
a couple of data-eating-bugs that just won't seem to go away ).
No free upgrades from version 1.x or the company would go
bankrupt.
VERSION 3.0
The revision in the works at the time that the company actually
DOES go bankrupt.
UNDERSTANDING COMPUTERS
For Advanced Programers
Author Unknown
(Continued)
NOW AVAILABLE
Available any day now.
AVAILABLE SOON
Should be out within a year.
AVAILABLE MAY 1
Version 1.0 (see above) may ship to dealers August 1.
STANDARD
Similar to something else on the market.
BACKUP
The duplicate copy of crucial data that no one bothered to make.
SPREADSHEET
A program that gives the user quick and easy access to a wide
variety of highly detailed reports based on inaccurate
assumptions.
WORD PROCESSOR
Software that magically transforms its user into a professional
author.
BUSINESS GRAPHICS.
Popular with managers who understand neither decimals, fractions,
Roman-numerals, nor PI, but have more than a passing acquaintance
with pies and bars.
DATABASE MANAGER
A program that allows the user to manipulate data in every
conceivable way except the absolutely essential one that she/he
conceives of the day after entering two megabytes of raw data.
INTEGRATED SOFTWARE
A single product that deftly performs hundreds of functions the
user never needs, and awkwardly performs the half-dozen she/he
uses constantly.
WINDOWS
A method of dividing the computer screen into two or more
unusable tiny portions.