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PILI102
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INTERPER.TXT
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1996-12-27
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^LTOP^
^B^^1^ Interpersonal Communication ^N^
^1^
This hypertext is designed to help the user
better understand the intricacies of
communicaton.^N^
^O^^B^
^:levels="OOOO18244242422418OOOO"^ Levels of Communication
^:women="OOOO18244242422418OOOO"^ Women vs. Men
^:tech="OOOO18244242422418OOOO"^ Techniques
^N^^1^
Return by pressing the "BACK" button.
^eop^
^Llevels^
^1^^B^ Levels of Communcation ^N^
^CR^
There are five levels of communication,
increasing in levels of intimacy starting with:
1) ^B^Simple acknowledgment^N^ (often no more than
superficial cliches, i.e. What's up?, Hi
there, etc.) most appropriate with strangers,
acquantances, etc.;
2) ^B^Sharing facts^N^ (only slightly less
superficial, used in daily interactions,
commerce, etc.);
3) ^B^Stating your opinion^N^ (often reserved for
coworkers, family friends, more significant
interactions);
^1^^N^^18-17^^B^MORE^
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^eop^
^Lreveal^
4) ^B^Expressing your feelings^N^ (usually reserved
for friends and family, though too often not
achieved);
5) ^B^Revealing your needs^N^ (usually reserved for
very close friends, family, significant other,
though far too often not achieved).
The more frequently that a relationship
involves communication at the 4th and 5th
levels, the closer and more rewarding the
relationship will be.
^1^^N^^18-17^^B^MORE^
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^eop^
^Lverbia^
All verbal communication consists of two
parts: ^B^Messages^N^, which are the meaning of the
words (what we're saying); and ^B^Metamessages^N^
the body language used, the pitch/tone of
voice, and the timing/pause between words (how
we're saying it).
If the ^B^Message^N^ and ^B^Metamessage^N^ of what
we're communicating are consistent with one
another, then we are communicating in a clear
and honest manner.
^1^^N^^18-17^^B^MORE^
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^eop^
^Lif^
If the ^B^Message^N^ and ^B^Metamessage^N^ of our
communication are inconsistent with each
other, then we are sending "mixed messages"
which are confusing and even dishonest (to
ourselves as well as the other person).
Both the ^B^Message^N^ and ^B^Metamessage^N^ of any
communication will define the ^B^Frame^N^, or
context of the interaction, and the ^B^Footing^N^,
or relationship between each person (either
equal or hierarchical).^N^
^1^^N^^B^^44-17^^B^BACK^
^48-17^ ^:TOP="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^
^eop^
^Lwomen^
^1^^B^ Women vs. Men:
Differing Styles and Goals ^N^
1. ^:intim=Intimacy vs. Independence^
2. ^:expan=Expand vs. Contract^
3. ^:prob=Problem-talk vs. Problem-solve^
4. ^:ask=Ask vs. Don't Ask^
5. ^:rap=Rapport-talk vs. Report-talk^
6. ^:purs=Purse vs. Wallet^
^1^^N^^B^^44-17^^B^BACK^
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^eop^
^Lintim^
1. ^B^Intimacy (Interdependence)^N^: women tend to
communicate is such a way as to try and
connect with others, minimizing their
differences. ^B^Independence^N^: men tend to
communicate in such a way as to focus on
status in a hierarchical way, emphasizing
differences between each other, using
one-upmanship to dominate or appear better
than the other person in some way.
^1^^N^^18-17^^B^NEXT^
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^48-17^ ^:women="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^
^eop^
^Lexpan^
2. ^B^Expand^N^: women tend to talk through their
problems to come to a point with focus
decreasing as stress increases, which often
results in men thinking "get to the point" or
men getting lost because they assume that the
initial topic was the point. ^B^Contract^N^: men
tend to think through their problems before
stating their point, which often results in
women thinking they have made a decision
without consideration for the partner's input.
Men tend to focus on one primary area at a
time; focus increases with stress and can
appear as being selfish or self-centered to a
woman.
^1^^N^^18-17^^B^NEXT^
^22-17^ ^:prob="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^
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^eop^
^Lprob^
3. ^B^Problem-talk^N^: women tend to talk about
their problems in order to process their
feelings, needing someone to just listen. But
men tend to try and fix the problem rather
than just listen, misinterpreting the talk
about problems as them being blamed or that
women are complaining. ^B^Problem-solve^N^: men
tend to identify a problem and then focus on
solving it, often without talking about it
which can result in women feeling left out,
like their opinion doesn't count.
^1^^N^^18-17^^B^NEXT^
^22-17^ ^:ask="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^
^1^^N^^B^^44-17^^B^BACK^
^48-17^ ^:women="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^
^eop^
^Lask^
4. ^B^Ask^N^: women want to be asked about their
feelings, their day, etc., and tend to ask
others about theirs. ^B^Don't ask^N^: men tend not
to want to be asked thinking that to talk
bout a problem is to reveal a weakness, will
ask for advice only if they "really" need it
and will then go to an expert in the field.
When given unsolicited advice they think they
are being put-down, considered incompetent.
When discussing someone's problems, they tend
to minimize in order to make the other feel
better, compare "war stories", which often
results in women feeling that they are not
being listened to or that their feelings don't
count.
^1^^N^^18-17^^B^NEXT^
^22-17^ ^:rap="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^
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^48-17^ ^:women="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^
^eop^
^Lrap^
5. ^B^Rapport talk^N^: women tend to talk in order
to relate, interact, etc. What is being said
isn't always as important as the interaction
itself. ^B^Report talk^N^: men tend to have the
view that the purpose of communication
is to convey information, not to relate. Thus
they often have nothing to say. Women may be
frustrated by this lack of interaction, where
men may be irritated by the seemingly
'pointless' talk.
^1^^N^^18-17^^B^NEXT^
^22-17^ ^:purs="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^
^1^^N^^B^^44-17^^B^BACK^
^48-17^ ^:women="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^
^eop^
^Lpurs^
^B^Purse vs. Wallet^N^: women tend to carry a purse
containing a little bit of everything, if they
don't need it someone else might; men tend to
carry a wallet containing only the bare
necessities.
Women tend to view all the areas of their
life as swirled together, connected, each
affecting the other.
Men tend to view each thing as separate,
one thing does not necessarily affect the
other.
^1^^N^^B^^44-17^^B^BACK^
^48-17^ ^:women="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^
^eop^
^Ltech^
^1^^B^ Techniques for Improved
Communication ^N^
1. ^B^^:imes=I Messages:^^N^ non-threatening,
clear communication at levels 3,4, & 5.
2. ^B^^:act=Active Listening:^^N^ "Ordering at the
drive-through window."
^1^^N^^B^^44-17^^B^BACK^
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^eop^
^Limes^
^B^"I" Messages^N^
Clearer communication by letting the other
person know:
1) How his or her behavior makes you feel, and
2) That you trust him or her to respect your
needs by modifying his or her behavior
appropriately.
The ^B^"I" message^N^ has five parts:
^1^^N^^18-17^^B^MORE^
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^eop^
^Lbehav^
1. ^B^Behavior^N^-- This is a non-blaming
description of what is unacceptable to you.
Put the focus on "I". Example: "When I have
to keep dinner heating in the oven..."
2. ^B^Effect^N^-- A concrete consequence of the
above behavior strengthens the message:
"...dinner becomes dry and is ruined."
3. ^B^Meaning^N^-- An accurate description of what
it means to you: "I begin to think I am being
taken for granted,"
4. ^B^Feelings^N^-- An accurate description of the
feelings generated by the behavior: "and I
feel angry."
^1^^N^^18-17^^B^MORE^
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^eop^
^Lform^
5. ^B^Request^N^-- A specific and clear expression
of what you want the person to do to change
he situation and/or to do next time: "I would
like an appology and for you to call the next
time you are going to be late."
An example of the format to practice:
"When ..." (describe the behavior as
specifically as possible)
"Then... " (describe the consequence of
the behavior)
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^eop^
^Lwhich^
"Which to me means that..." (describe
your interpretation of the behavior and
consequence as it relates to you)
"And I feel..." (describe how you feel
in response to the above)
"What I would like is for you to..."
(describe what you want the person to do next
time, or to do now to rectify the situation)
^1^^N^^18-17^^B^MORE^
^22-17^ ^:why="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^
^1^^N^^B^^44-17^^B^BACK^
^48-17^ ^:tech="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^
^eop^
^Lwhy^
Why are ^B^"I" messages^N^ so effective?
Because: they are non-threatening, as opposed
to "you" messages which put the other person
on the defensive as in "You make me mad, why
are you so late?" ; they help the sender move
from an external focus to an internal one;
they tell the receiver exactly what your
perception of the problem is, thus allowing
him or her to identify any differences in
interpretation of the situation such as those
resulting from the different thinking styles
of men and women.
^1^^N^^18-17^^B^NEXT^
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^48-17^ ^:tech="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^
^eop^
^Lact^
^B^Active Listening^N^
Have you ever ordered fast food at the
drive-through window and gotten the wrong
stuff? Isn't this frustrating? To avoid this
miscommunication, most drive-through places
have their employees repeat the order back
until they are sure they have understood what
the person wants.
^1^^N^^18-17^^B^MORE^
^22-17^ ^:this="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^
^1^^N^^B^^44-17^^B^BACK^
^48-17^ ^:tech="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^
^eop^
^Lthis^
This is what is referred to as "^B^Active
Listening^N^," which can (and should) be used in
all relationships in order to improve
communication. By repeating what you
understand the other person to have said, he
or she can either say "yes, you got it" or
"no, that's not what I meant" and either
repeat it or rephrase it until it is
understood. This is important in all
relationships, but especially in communication
between men and women as we think and
interpret things differently.
^1^^N^^B^^44-17^^B^BACK^
^48-17^ ^:tech="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^
^eop^