Parenting - Prenatal to preschool/Parenting_PrenatalToPreschool.bin/dp/0021/00215.txt

Text File | 1993-06-14 | 27KB | 451 lines

$Unique_ID{PAR00215}
$Pretitle{}
$Title{6 Months to 1 Year:  On Being a Parent}
$Subtitle{}
$Author{
Editors of Consumer Guide
Mendelson, Robert A
Mendelson, Lottie M
Meyerhoff, Michael K
Ames, Louise Bates}
$Subject{6 Months to 1 Year Parent Parents Parenting teach teaching crawl
crawling stand standing walk walking climb climbing encourage encouraging
encouragement restrict restrictive restricted practice practicing struggle
struggles struggling frustration supervision supervising learn learning
educate safe accessible home playpen education explore explores exploration
explorations talk talks hear hearing hazard hazardous discipline disciplining
spoil spoiling separations separation day care bored boredom trapped
child-rearing HEALTHY SELFISHNESS}
$Log{}

The New Parents' Question & Answer Book


6 Months to 1 Year:  On Being a Parent


     Will it be necessary for me to teach my baby to crawl, pull to stand,
walk, climb, etc.?

     Not at all.  Once her body is ready for it, your baby will begin to do
these things without any prompting or instruction of any kind.  However, she
will need ample opportunities to develop and practice these skills, and she
will appreciate your encouragement and praise as she achieves them.  If she is
kept too restricted or in any other way is prevented from attempting and
practicing these things on a regular basis, she won't learn how to do them.
And if she routinely senses disapproval or even just disinterest from you, she
won't be inclined to do them.  In other words, there really is nothing you can
do to induce your baby to crawl, walk, climb, etc. before she is ready, but
once she is ready, you certainly can obstruct and possibly even prevent her
progress.


     If my baby is struggling to achieve some new skill, like climbing onto
the sofa, should I help her or just leave her alone?

     This is somewhat of a judgment call.  Clearly, if your baby's struggle
has reached the point where frustration is setting in and she's becoming
upset, it probably is a good idea to lend her a helping hand.  However,
stepping in before she's had ample opportunity to test the full extent of her
own resources may impede her from making progress.  After all, you can't learn
to succeed if you never have opportunities to try.  Unfortunately, first-time
parents in particular tend to be overly anxious and often empathize
inappropriately with what they too quickly perceive to be a distressing
situation for their baby.  As a result, they come to her aid too soon in many
cases.  Therefore, although it's never easy to watch your baby struggling with
anything, try to err on the side of restraint and allow her to give it her
best shot.  By the way, when it comes to self-help skills, such as learning
how to hold a spoon or drink from a cup, many parents step in too quickly not
out of concern for the baby but rather for the purposes of their own
convenience and busy schedule.  Instead of allowing the baby to get food all
over her clothing, her face, and her hair as she attempts to feed herself with
a spoon, the harried parents take the spoon away from her and feed her
themselves.  Again, this is understandable, but the potential for problems
demands that parents try to control themselves and give the baby a fair chance
to learn how to fend for herself.


     Won't I have to provide constant supervision for my baby's early
attempts at potentially dangerous things like stair climbing?

     In the beginning, it probably will be a good idea for you to be around as
much as you can.  First of all, babies learn to climb up things like stairs
generally a couple of months before they learn to climb down, so your baby may
need your help until she becomes adept at all aspects of a given activity.  In
addition, babies thrive on parental encouragement and praise as they pursue
these things, so your baby may appreciate your providing her with a boost in
the figurative sense as well as the literal sense.  However, providing
constant supervision on an ongoing basis is likely to be not only impossible,
but inappropriate as well.  As your baby becomes more active, it will be
increasingly difficult to keep up with her.  As she becomes capable of
generating self-pride, it will be less necessary for you to applaud her every
move.  So plan on making sure that your baby's environment allows her ample
opportunities to pursue and practice new skills in ways that won't put her in
serious jeopardy, even when you can't be right there with her.


     Once she can get around on her own, what is the best way to help my baby
learn about her world?

     The easiest and most effective way to "educate" your baby at this point
is to make as much of your home as possible safe and accessible for her.
Then, simply set her free to explore at will and on her own.  Keep in mind
that your baby will be both incredibly curious and incredibly naive.
Consequently, making your home safe involves removing, replacing, or fixing
anything and everything that she might damage or that might cause her harm
(see the Safety and Health section in this age group for advice).  By doing
so, you will be providing your baby with an enormous environment containing
countless items that she can use to gain experience.  You will also be
establishing an atmosphere that enables and encourages her to take maximum
advantage of the opportunities made possible by her increasing skills.


     Should I be sure to provide a lot of special items for my baby to explore
and investigate?

     By making a large portion of your home safe and accessible for your baby,
you have already provided her with a wealth of "special" items for her
explorations and investigations.  Keep in mind that almost everything your
baby encounters will be brand new and extremely exciting to her.  We are
thoroughly familiar with and take for granted things like wastepaper baskets,
the knobs on the television set, stacks of folded laundry, flights of stairs,
etc.  However, these things are being experienced by your baby for the very
first time.  They present all sorts of interesting challenges to her growing
abilities.  In general, you may want to see to it that, whenever possible,
safe and suitable items that ordinarily are out of your baby's reach get moved
down to her level.  Other than that, you really don't have to worry about
making any special efforts in this regard.


     Instead of trying to make my home safe for my baby, can't I keep her in a
playpen and just give her a lot of stuff?

     On the surface, it seems as if this strategy might work.  But research
has repeatedly demonstrated that it doesn't.  No matter how many items you
place in the playpen, sooner or later your baby will become bored.  Without
ample opportunities to actively pursue her interests and to exercise her
abilities according to her own inclinations and schedules, her curiosity
eventually will begin to dwindle.  It has been shown repeatedly that from this
point on, extensive use of playpens and other restrictive devices is routinely
associated with poor physical and mental development.  Even springing your
baby for periodic supervised sessions won't make much of a difference.
Evidently, no playpen in the world can hold anywhere near as many learning
opportunities as a typical, safety-proofed household.  And, no amount of
supervised educational activities can compensate for the progress and pleasure
a baby experiences when she does a lot of learning on her own.


     Does this mean I should never put my baby in a playpen?

     Of course not.  There inevitably will be times when putting your baby in
a playpen will be absolutely necessary, or at least appropriate.  For example,
if you are scrubbing the kitchen floor with a corrosive cleanser or fixing an
appliance using an open tool box containing sharp instruments, you may be able
to do so while your baby is exploring freely in another room.  But if the
phone or doorbell rings and you are going to be distracted for a while, it
will be a good idea to restrict your baby until you can return to prevent her
from wandering into the hazardous area.  In addition, there may be times when
you have something important to do for yourself, such as paying bills or even
taking a nap, and you would prefer not to be disturbed by your baby for a
while.  In such cases, placing her in a playpen and providing some favorite or
novel items probably will keep her entertained long enough for you to get the
break you need.  In other words, as long as it is not used to routinely
restrict your baby for long periods day after day, a playpen is indeed a very
important and appropriate piece of equipment to have around.


     Other than setting up an appropriate environment, how can I play a role
in my baby's education at this point?

     In addition to designing a rich world for your baby to explore and
investigate, you can add to her educational experiences in three important
ways.  First, you can help expand your baby's mind by occasionally alerting
her to additional information and interesting associations that she may have
missed as she was exploring and investigating.  Second, you can help her
develop superb language skills by providing her with plentiful models of
proper and appropriate speech.  And third, you can start teaching her how to
get along with other people by establishing and enforcing reasonable limits on
her explorations and investigations (for specific examples of how to do these
things, see the following questions).  Keep in mind, though, that good
teaching requires a highly motivated student.  Therefore, your
input--particularly in the first two cases--should be geared to the interests
and abilities your baby is exhibiting at the moment; it should not be guided
by some set of subjects that you think you should be teaching her.  In other
words, the easiest and most effective way to be an excellent teacher is to
serve as a "consultant" rather than as an "instructor" to your baby.


     How do I go about serving as a "consultant" to my baby?

     In the course of her explorations and investigations, your baby will
return to you routinely in the course of the day to obtain comfort, receive
assistance, or share her excitement over some new discovery.  When she does,
her attention will be focused intensely.  She will be highly motivated to
learn as much as she can about whatever it is that has her attention at the
moment.  As you go about providing your baby with whatever she wants or needs,
you can supply additional input into her experience.  You can talk to her
about whatever it is, stretching the subject just a little and throwing in a
related idea or two.  For example, if your baby comes to you thrilled about
the candy wrapper she's just discovered behind the desk, you might say
something like, "Oh, yes, that's a pretty candy wrapper!  It's red and yellow,
just like your shirt is red and this bowl is yellow.  Do you hear the crinkly
sound it makes?  We can make that sound with this piece of paper, too."  After
a minute or so, your baby will be eager to get back to what she was doing, and
you can let her go.  Believe it or not, during the 25 to 50 such episodes that
will occur each day, you will be supplying your baby with far more meaningful
input than if you sat down with her for several hours of formal "lessons" each
day.


     How can I teach my baby to talk?

     You can't.  Probably since prehistoric times, parents have tried anything
and everything to prod their babies to start speaking.  No one has ever come
up with an effective method.  When your baby is ready, she will begin to talk.
There is nothing you can do to coax her first words out of her.  On the other
hand, if you don't do a couple of important things, her progress in this area
may be impeded.  First, you need to talk to your baby a lot.  Babies who do
not listen much to language usually don't use much language.  Second, you need
to make sure she can hear clearly.  As early as four months of age, you can
use the whisper test (see "Safety And Health" in the Birth To 6 Months
section) to screen for hearing loss.  Once she begins understanding words at
about six to eight months of age, you can monitor her ability to understand
words to ensure she's making steady progress.  As long as your baby can hear
properly and you have made a point to provide a lot of language for her to
listen to, the best thing to do is relax and let nature take its course.


     I can see how making the whole house safe for (and from) my baby is a
good idea, but shouldn't I leave out a few items so she can learn the meaning
of "no"?

     While this idea seems sensible in principle, it actually is quite
unnecessary and rather ill-advised in reality.  No matter how good you are at
safety proofing your home, chances are that every day your baby will find
another thing that you've missed--an open safety pin in a shag rug, a loose
shirt button in the corner of a closet, a broken handle on a tool chest, the
unraveling fringe of a floor-length drape.  Such inevitable oversights will
provide plenty of opportunities to teach your baby the meaning of the word
"no."  Of course, for your own convenience, you may wish to leave out a few
items that you would prefer that your baby didn't touch, or even make a few
whole areas "off limits" to your baby--and you are certainly entitled to do
so.  However, keep in mind that the more forbidden items and areas there are
in her environment, the more danger there will be to your baby and the more
aggravation you are likely to have in trying to keep her out of trouble.  You
will also run the risk of saying "no" so often that it becomes meaningless to
your baby or begins to discourage her from indulging her curiosity by
exploring and learning about her world.  Save "no" for very hazardous or
life-threatening situations whenever possible.


     Once I'm sure that my baby understands the meaning of the word "no," can
I ease up on some of the supervision and safety proofing?

     This is something you may not want to do for a couple of years yet.
First, at this point, your baby probably is still too young to have even such
a strong concept stick in her mind reliably for a very long time.  If you're
not always there to reinforce prior admonitions, there could be trouble on
occasion.  More importantly, if you ease up on safety proofing and
consequently have to say "no" over and over again throughout the course of the
day, there is a good chance that the word will start to lose its impact
because of overuse.  A sharp "no" or "stop" uttered now and then will have a
more lasting effect than a constant, nagging "no, no, no, no."  And most
important of all is the fact that if you have to use "no" too often, you run
the risk of your baby associating the act of exploring with the displeasure
and disapproval of the people who mean the most to her.  Especially during
this period, you want to be sure that the overwhelming message your baby
receives in this regard is one of encouragement and praise.


     My baby is in full-time day care.  As long as most of her waking hours
are spent in that safety-proofed environment, wouldn't it be okay to keep her
relatively restricted at home?

     This is inadvisable for at least two major reasons.  First, to the extent
that you restrict your baby unnecessarily for any length of time, you are
depriving her of learning opportunities.  Babies do not keep
schedules--studying in school and relaxing while at home.  They are learning
all the time, so it is inappropriate to set up a sharp distinction between
what she can do during the day and what she can do in the evening.  Second,
keep in mind your greater emotional power as compared to that of your baby's
teachers.  No matter how much encouragement and praise they give to her
explorations during the day, if she senses displeasure from you when she
engages in such activities at home, there is a good chance your influence will
win out.  As a result, your baby may end up with diminished curiosity under
all circumstances.


     Is saying "no" or "stop" sufficient, or will I have to do more to
"discipline" my baby at this point?

     By the end of this period, it is almost certain that your baby will
understand the words "no" and "stop."  However, she is still very much within
the sensorimotor stage, so messages are more likely to sink in if they are
accompanied by physical action.  Therefore, whenever your baby ventures into
an off-limits area or engages in an undesirable activity, use a firm "no" or
"stop," physically remove her from the offending situation, and channel her
into a more appropriate direction.  If she discovers a cigarette lighter and
starts sucking on it, you can say "No, that's not a good thing to suck on,"
take it away from her, and give her something like a teething ring instead.
Because her memory and attention span are short, she will soon forget about
the lighter.  And through your actions more than through your words, you will
have taught her that there are limits to what she can do, and those limits
will be enforced by you.


     Lately, even though she's not hurt, hungry, or soiled, my baby has been
waking up and crying in the middle of the night.  How can I comfort her
without spoiling her?

     This is a very common phenomenon, especially at around eight to ten
months of age.  On any given night that your baby cries, it is recommended
that you go into her room the first time to make sure that there really isn't
anything wrong.  If her crying stops and a smile lights up her face as soon as
you enter and the light goes on, that is a good indication that your baby has
awakened to find herself a little lonely and bored, and she's crying simply in
order to get some company.  If that is indeed the case, it is recommended that
you say to her, "I love you, but nighttime is for sleeping, and I'll see you
in the morning."  Then leave the room and don't return no matter how much she
wails after that.  Your baby probably won't understand anything you say, but
through your actions, you will be teaching her that the major needs of the
family (for a good night's sleep) will sometimes have to take precedence over
her minor desires (for some nighttime company).  In addition, you can use a
low-wattage night-light in her room to help her feel more secure when she does
wake up at night.  Within a week to ten days, you can expect that she will
once again be sleeping through the night.


     My eight month old cries whenever I leave.  What can I do to make these
separations easier on both of us?

     When you are out of sight and out of earshot, your baby may fear that she
has been abandoned.  She doesn't understand your being away.  She also wants
you when she wants you.  So, she cries.  At this point, you want the baby to
be or become as flexible as possible.  You will need time away from her, and
you want her to get more accustomed to being without you for short periods of
time.  Some babies at this age develop a separation anxiety and/or a fear of
strangers.  A familiar loving sitter can help the situation.  When you leave,
the sitter can be holding the baby or playing with her.  Before you go out the
door, cheerfully and firmly say goodbye to the baby and leave promptly.  If
taking her to you for hugs and goodbyes starts her crying, then skip it and
just wave bye-bye.  Try to go about your business matter-of-factly and expect
the baby to do fine.  When you return, if she is awake, pick her up and give
her hugs and kisses.  Eventually, she will learn that while you may leave, you
will come back to her again.


     My baby spends more time in day care than at home.  Does this mean she
will be more attached to her teachers than she will to me?

     It's possible, but it's not very likely.  Keep in mind that day-care
personnel are usually responsible for several babies at a time, so they don't
have the same advantages you do when it comes to giving your baby undivided
attention.  Furthermore, no matter how competent, concerned, and loving these
people may be, because she is not their child, it is almost impossible for
them to convey the same sort of excitement, enthusiasm, and concern toward
your baby that you can.  Research has shown that although babies who spend a
lot of time in day care do become attached to their teachers to a certain
extent, the parents remain their primary targets in this regard.  However, it
is important to note that, during this period, your baby is still operating on
very fundamental levels and in the here and now for the most part.  Therefore,
the quality of the time you spend with your baby won't completely compensate
for a severe lack of quantity in interaction time.  If your baby hardly ever
gets to see you, she will have no choice but to try to form an attachment to
someone who is a more significant part of her daily experience.


     What can I do to make my baby feel good about herself at this point?

     During this period, your baby will spend a lot of time struggling to
achieve a variety of new physical skills--crawling, climbing, walking.  When
she finally manages to attain a new level, she will actually feel a sense of
physical relief, which is the basis for a sense of self-satisfaction.
Therefore, the first step in nurturing the roots of your baby's self-esteem is
to make sure that she has plenty of opportunities to attempt and practice
these skills.  More importantly, your reaction to her accomplishments will
become internalized and form the foundations for a healthy pride in
achievement.  Consequently, it is important for you to be around when she
succeeds and to provide an appropriate emotional reaction.  That's easy to
do--just let out all the natural feelings of joy, excitement, and enthusiasm
that arise whenever your baby shows signs of developmental progress.  When she
pulls to stand or walks for the first time, you can bet that it will be the
most important event in your day--maybe even in that week or month.  To the
extent that you let your baby know how thrilled you are, she will learn to
become thrilled with herself.


     I've decided to stay home full-time with my baby, but lately I'm
beginning to feel bored and trapped.  Is something wrong with me?

     Having primary responsibility for taking care of a baby 24 hours a day,
seven days a week, is enough to make most normal people crazy after a while.
Despite all the pleasures and rewards that come with helping your baby to
achieve a great start in life, the inevitable stress, drudgery, and isolation
are bound to get you down after a while.  Consequently, it is recommended
that, especially after your baby has passed the six-month mark, you consider
some kind of part-time substitute care for your baby.  This can be a formal
day-care arrangement or something as simple as a twice-a-week play group or an
every-once-in-a-while cooperative baby-sitting deal.  The important thing is
that you take a few hours a week to pamper yourself, relax, pursue some other
interest, engage in adult conversations, and/or do anything else that will
help you maintain your sanity and return to your child-rearing
responsibilities feeling refreshed.


THE CONCEPT OF "LEARNING TO LEARN"

     As they watch their babies go about their explorations, many parents
worry that their children may be "wasting" a lot of time that could be better
spent on more focused "educational" activities.  They are concerned that
instead of playing with pots and pans, their babies should be receiving direct
instruction in specific subjects so they can learn shapes, colors, numbers,
and all sorts of other things they will need to know later on.  While these
thoughts are understandable, they are badly misguided.  The most important
lessons that babies learn at this point are in the area of "learning how to
learn."  That is, through their explorations and investigations, they learn
how to observe, analyze, adjust, and adapt to their environment.  These skills
will stand them in good stead no matter how their environment changes as time
goes by.  On the other hand, babies who are restricted and have their
attention channeled into narrow avenues of experience may appear to make some
impressive progress on the surface.  When they are forced outside those
avenues in the future, however, they may lack the ability to accommodate, much
less take advantage of the new circumstances.  Therefore, if you are tempted
to step in and start introducing specific subjects into your baby's
educational experiences at this point, keep in mind that the world you want to
prepare her for is an ever-changing one.  The particular pieces of knowledge
she picks up may be beneficial things to have for quite some time.  However,
given the rate at which the world is changing these days, chances are that a
lot of them will become obsolete before too long.  If she never learns how to
learn on her own, she'll have trouble picking up and adapting to the
alterations, and as a result, may be at a serious disadvantage in the long
run.


INDULGING IN HEALTHY SELFISHNESS

     Parents of a baby in this age group, especially if it is their first
child, often have a tendency to feel guilty if they do not respond immediately
to every need of their child.  They also have a tendency to feel like tyrants
if they do not allow her to do whatever she wants.  They typically are willing
to make any sacrifice, endure any inconvenience, and in general do whatever it
takes to ensure that their baby will never experience anything other than
complete contentment.  This is normal and natural, but it also can be
dangerous for two major reasons.  First, sooner or later, resentment will
start to build in the parents.  Second, the baby will receive the impression
that the world revolves around her alone.  Consequently, it is recommended
that parents make an effort to practice "healthy selfishness," particularly at
this point in their child's development.  If you are tempted to rush to your
baby the second she cries, even though you realize she's only asking for
attention; to make excuses for your baby's behavior, even though you know that
introducing some discipline would be appropriate; or to stay with your baby
constantly, even though you are in desperate need of a break, you probably
ought to make a serious attempt to restrain yourself.  It is important that
your baby learn that she is a dearly beloved, very special, and cherished
member of your family, but also that everyone else in the family is dearly
beloved, very special, and cherished, too.  And it is critical that your baby
learn that she has the right to explore and investigate her world freely, but
also that her rights do not extend to the point where her activities unfairly
interfere with the rights of other people.  In other words, as paradoxical as
it may seem, keep in mind that doing what's best for baby often means doing
what's best for yourself.