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Wrap

Text File | 1992-05-19 | 41.7 KB | 1,000 lines

ñ Reporter: Ah. So, kids, caught anything? Lisa: Not yet, sir. Reporter: Uh huh. Uh, what are you using for bait? Lisa: My brother's using worms, but I who feel the tranquility outweights the actual catching of fish, am using nothing. Reporter: I see. And what's your name, son? Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you? Reporter: Heh heh. I'm Dave Shutton, I'm an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot and, uh, I must say that in my day, we didn't talk that way to our elders. Bart: Well, this is my day, and we do, sir. [catches something on the line, with appropriate `Hulp!' noises] All right! We eat tonight! -- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' ñ Mutation Caught At Ol' Fishin' Hole * Is Power Plant Responsible? ------------------------------------------------ Boy Was Using Five Pound Test And Ordinary Worms ------------------------------------------------ Sister Was Just There For The Tranquility ------------------------------------------------ -- The Springfield Shopper headlines, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' ñ Fishin' Hole Or Fission Hole? * Burns Denies Responsibility In Fish Flap ------------------------------------------ Count The Eyes, Mr. Burns! ------------------------------------------ -- The Springfield Shopper headlines, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' ñ Marge: Well, leave it to good ol' Mary Bailey to step in and do something about that hideous genetic mutation. Homer: [snort] Mary Bailey. Well, if I was governor, I'd sure find better things to do with my time. Marge: Like what? Homer: Like getting Washington's Birthday and Lincoln's Birthday back as separate paid holidays. `President's Day' [blows a raspberry] What a ripoff! I bust my butt day in and day out... Marge: You're late for work, Homer. Homer: So? Someone'll punch in for me. Lisa: Try not to spill anything, Dad. Bart: Keep those mutants comin', Homer! Homer: [sotto voce] I'll mutant you... -- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' ñ Okay, men. Geiger counters on. [Geiger counters go crazy] -- The nuclear power plant inspection, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' ñ Gum used to seal crack in cooling tower. -- The nuclear power plant inspection, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' ñ Plutonium rod used as paperweight. -- The nuclear power plant inspection, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' ñ Homer: [wakes with a start] Aa! [twiddling levers wildly] Uh, just resting my eyes! Burns: Ah, well-done. A rested employee is a vigilant employee. -- The nuclear power plant inspection, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' ñ Inspector: Mr. Burns, in twenty years, I have never seen such a shoddy, deplorable... Burns: Oh, look! Some ... careless person has left thousands and thousands of dollars lying here on my ... coffee table. Uh, Smithers, why don't we leave the room, and hopefully, when we return, the pile of money will be gone. [leaves, waits, then returns] Ooh. Look Smithers, the money and a very stupid man are still here. Inspector: Burns, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to bribe me. Burns: Is there some confusion about this? [thrusting the money into the inspector's pockets] Take it! Take it! Take it, you poor schmo! -- The nuclear power plant fails inspection, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' ñ Smithers: [computing how much it'll cost to fix the plant] Fifty-six million dollars. Burns: Fifty-six million! Smithers: [cowering] Don't hit me, sir. -- The nuclear power plant fails inspection, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' ñ Burns: Running for public office is too expensive for an honest man. Homer: Well, <you> could afford it. -- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' ñ An election!? Ah no, isn't that one of those deals where they close the bars? -- Barney, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' ñ Marge: I wonder if he's going to say anything about that horrible fish. Homer: Oh, Marge. What's the big deal? I bet before the papers blew this out of proportion, you didn't even know how many eyes a fish had. -- Watching Burns' campaign advertisement, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' ñ Advisor: ... and smile, sir! Burns: [view from back of head] I <am> smiling! Advisor: You're going to have to do better than that. Burns: [grunt, grunt] Advisor: There you go! Burns [front view, showing very slight grimace] Oh, I'm going to be sore tomorrow! -- Preparing for his campaign advertisement, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' ñ Homer: I hope Burns and I can count on your support, honey. Marge: Homer, I'm a Bailey Booster. Homer: Oh yea? Well, <I'm> a Burns Booster. [pins on a Burns campaign button] Ow! -- Watching Burns' campaign advertisement, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' ñ Marge's sign: An Independent Voter for Bailey Lisa's T-shirt: I wish I were old enough to vote for Bailey. Bart's T-shirt: My dad told me to vote for Burns. Homer's sign: I'm a fool for Burns. -- The family takes sides in the gubernatorial campaign, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' ñ Advisor: Congratulations, Mr. Burns, the latest polls show you are up six points. Burns: Ah, giving me a total of... Advisor: Six. -- Burns runs for governor, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' ñ Mary Bailey: My worthy opponent thinks that the voters of this state are gullible fools. I, however, prefer to rely on their intelligence and good judgement. Reporter: Interesting strategy. -- The gubernatorial campaign, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' ñ Bart: Is your boss governor yet? Homer: Not yet, son, not yet. -- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' ñ Advisor: The voters now see you as imperial and god-like. Burns: Hot dog! Advisor: But there's a down-side to it. The latest polls say you're in danger of losing touch with the common man. Burns: Oh, dear! Heaven forfend! -- Burns runs for governor, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' ñ Homer: Oh, by the way, Mr. Burns is eating dinner over here tomorrow night. Marge: No, he's not. I'm ringing doorbells for Mary Bailey that night. Homer: Kids, leave the room. I don't want you to see this. Bart: Uh-oh. [Bart, Lisa, and Maggie zip away] Homer: [on his knees] Oh, please please please please please please... -- The power of persuasion, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' ñ Advisor: Little girl, do you think you can memorize this by dinnertime tomorrow? Lisa: `Mr. Burns: your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway freight train. Why are you so popular?' Advisor: Very good. Lisa: Mm. Well, as long as I'm asking something, can I ask him to assuage my fears that he's contaminating the planet in a manner that may one day render it uninhabitable? Advisor: No, dear. The card question'll be fine. Marge: Well, I think the non-card question is a valid... Homer: Marge! ... Don't worry. My daughter's very bright, and I'm sure she'll be able to memorize your question by dinnertime tomorrow. -- Preparing for Burns' visit as part a campaign publicity stunt, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' ñ Bart: Dear God: We paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing. Media: Gasp! -- Saying grace, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' ñ YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! I'M CHARLES MONTGOMERY BURNS! -- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' ñ Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you. Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir. -- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' ñ Homer: Oh. My dreams will go unfulfilled? I don't like the sound of that one bit. That means I have nothing to hope for. Marge, make it better please, can't you make it better, huh? Marge: Homer, when a man's biggest dreams include seconds on desert, occasional snuggling and sleeping in til noon on weekends, no one man can destroy them. Homer: Hey, you did it! [big smooch] [snuggling occurs and credits go up] -- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' TV host: Okay, the capital of North Dakota was named for what German ruler? Homer: Hitler! Marge: [coming in with food] Hitler, North Dakota? -- watching `Grade School Challenge', ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ TV host: The colors of the Italian flag are red, white, and what? [all four simultaneously] Bart: Blue! Orange! Red! Purple! Patty: [bored] Green. Selma: [bored] Green. Homer: Yellow! Red! White! Black! Green! Contestant: [pause] Green. Homer: I was right! -- watching `Grade School Challenge', ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Dimoxinil can help me grow as much, or as little, hair as I want to. -- advertisement for a hair restoration treatment, ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ For your free brochure send five dollars to Dimoxinil, 485 Hair Plaza, Hair City, Utah. -- advertisement for a hair restoration treatment, ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Marge, weren't you listening? This is a miracle breakthrough! Not one of these cheapo sucker deals! [tosses a cheapo sucker hair restoration product in the trash] -- Hope springs eternal in Homer, ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ We do have a product that is more in your price range. However, I must assure you that any hair growth you experience while using it will be purely coincidental. -- ``Dr. H'', ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Homer: [breaks down in tears] Of all the rip-off, screw job, chip joint... [gets up] Forget you pal... [sobbing] thanks for nothing. [leaves, crying] [at the nuclear plant] Homer: So I say, [angrily] Forget you, pal! Thanks for nothing! And I storm right out of there. -- A matter of perpective, ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Dry fish-sticks! This sucks! -- Homer complains about cafeteria fare, ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Worker: Quit complaining, chrome-dome. Homer: D'oh! If I had hair, you wouldn't be calling me that! -- ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Why should you get nothing, while some guy who loses a finger hits the jackpot? -- One of Homer's coworkers cajoles him into filing a false medical insurance form, ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Dear God, give a bald guy a break. Amen. -- Homer's hairful prayer, ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Homer: Good morning, Moe's Tavern! Barney: Hey, it's the president! -- Homer gets hair, ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Marge: Just between us girls, he hasn't been this frisky in years! Patty: [grunt] I don't want to think about it. Homer: [from offscreen] Daddy's home, sugar! Marge: [goes offscreen to greet him] Homer: Come here, you.. heh heh heh. Marge: Oh, Ooh! -- ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Patty: This is Homer? Oh, my! Selma: [grunt] Patty, stop drooling. Patty: Look who's talking. -- Homer gets hair, ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Burns: None of these cretins deserves a promotion! Smithers: It's in the union contract, sir. One token promotion from within per year. Burns: [indicating the security monitor] Wait, who's that young go-getter? Smither: Well, it sort of looks like [chuckle] Homer Simpson, only more dynamic and resourceful. Burns: Simpson, eh? -- ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Attention Homer Simpson. You have been promoted. You are now an executive. Take three minutes to say good-bye to your former friend and report to room 503 for reassignment to a better life. -- Smither's PA announcement, ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Well, your resume [pronounced ree-zoom] seems good enough... -- Homer interviews for a secretary, ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Karl: You don't belong here. You're a fraud and a phony, and it's only a matter of time until they find you out. Homer: Gasp! Who told you? Karl: You did. You told with me with the way you slump your shoulders, the way you talk into your chest, the way you smother yourself in bargain-basement lime-green polyester. -- Homer hires a secretary, ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Smithers: Our first issue, sir, is our low productivity and record high worker accident rate. Burns: [expels breath] Any suggestions? Advisor1: A round of layoffs might wake up the idiots. Advisor2: We could put caffeine in the water cooler. -- ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Burns: How would you improve the worker situation? Homer: Well, sir, for one thing, we have a problem every Tuesday when the cafeteria would serve fish sticks... Burns: Fish sticks!? What in blazes are you talking about? Homer: Well, sir, they cut the head off the fish, then chop up the rest of the sticks [sic]. Then they put seasoned breadcrumbs on it... -- Haven't I heard this joke before? ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Let them have their tar-tar sauce! -- Burns implements Homer's plan, ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ You know, sir, accidents decreased by exactly the number that Simpson himself is known or suspected to have caused last month. And our output level is just as high as during Simpson's last vacation. -- Smithers, on Homer's promotion, ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Oh, hey ho, men. You know, I was watching the Dumont last night, when I happened to catch a fascinating documentary on Rommel, the Desert Fox... -- Mr. Burns emerges from a bathroom stall, ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Hm... $1000? Dimoxinil? ``To keep brain from freezing''? -- Smithers finds Homer's phony medical insurance form, ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Homer: [kindly] And what does my little girl want? Lisa: An absence of mood swings and some stability in my life. Homer: Uh... How about a pony? Lisa: Okay! -- ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Smithers: One of your executives has bilked the company insurance plan out of $1000. Burns: What!? Blast his hide to Hades! [thunder roars outside] And I was going to buy that ivory back-scratcher... -- ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Homer: [strangles Bart] Boy must die! Bart: I love you, Dad! Homer: D'oh! [lets him go] Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not going to kill you, but I'm going to tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the rest of your days. You've ruined your father, you've crippled your family, and baldness is hereditary! Bart: It is!? -- Bart spills the Dimoxinil, ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Dad is taking this in less than a heroic fashion. -- Lisa observes Homer, reduced to blubbering when he realizes he's doomed, ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Homer: [picks up a note] Karl's voice: Dear Mr. Simpson, I've taken the liberty of preparing your speech on the enclosed 3x5 cards. All the big words are spelled phonetically Homer: Phonanetically. Karl's voice: God bless you. You are one of Springfield's very special creatures. [camera pulls back to reveal Karl is standing there] Your obedient servant, Karl. ... Good luck, sir. Homer: [startles] Karl, so that <wasn't> just a sweet voice I heard inside my head. -- ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Homer: I'm just a big fool. Karl: Oh no, you're not. Homer: How do you know? Karl: Because my mother taught me never to kiss a fool! [smack] Homer: [somewhat surprised] Karl! Karl: Now go get 'em, tiger! Homer: [roar!] Karl: [pats Homer's behind as he leaves] -- ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Homer: [ahem] A lot of you would think I was crazy if I did this. [burns a dollar bill] Burns: He's crazy! -- Homer gives a speech, ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Some nerve, telling us how to run the plant. He doesn't even have hair! -- Executive watches Homer's presentation, ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ [card #56 reads: ``And the long-term benefits more than offset the one-time costs, for a net savings of $526,000.'' Homer: And the long-term benefits more than offset the one-time costs, for a net savings of... fuh, five thousand, two eh hundred and... lots of money... -- Homer's failed speech, ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Burns: Simpson, how old do you think I am? Homer: I dunno. A hundred and two? Burns: [sadly] I'm only eighty-one... -- Missed it by that much, ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Burns: I'm giving you your old job back. Homer: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! Burns: Now get out of here before I reconsider. Homer: Oh. Better hurry up. -- ``Simpson and Delilah'' ñ Mrs. Krabappel, I am insulted. Is this a book report or a witch hunt? -- Bart takes offence when Mrs.K accuses him of not reading the book he is doing a report on, ``Bart Gets an F'' ñ Mrs.K: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson: I think you know our district psychiatrist Dr. J. Loren Pryor. Homer: Hey, Dr. J. Dr.J.: [ahem] I think we have on our hands here a classic case of what lay humen [sic] refer to as fear of failure. As a result Bart is an underachiever and yet he seems to be... How shall I put this... proud of it. Homer: Hmmm. Dr.J.: One of his problems may be his short attention span which can lead to blah blah blah blah... -- Bart is close to failing fourth grade, ``Bart Gets an F'' ñ Bart: I can make you popular. Martin: But I'm already popular. Bart: Allow me to demonstrate. [pushes Martin down, crowd laughs] Martin: But I don't understand... Bart: Perhaps you missed my point. [pushes him down again, more laughs] -- ``Bart Gets an F'' ñ Otto: Get off the bus or forever hold your peace, little dudes! Bart: Otto, you know I respect you. I mean, you always let us throw stuff at cars and try to tip the bus on sharp turns. Otto: Heh, damn thing nevers goes over, does it? [unintelligible `ga-hah' noise] So what's in your head little man? Bart: Well, I've been failing a lot of tests recently. Otto: Yeah huh... Bart: And, now they're talking about holding me back in the fourth grade if I don't shape up. Otto: That's it? Hey, relax, man! It could end up being the best thing that ever happened to ya. I got held back in the fourth grade myself, twice! Look at me, man! Now I <drive> the school bus! -- ``Bart Gets an F'' ñ Martin: [takes a seat at the front of the bus] Bart: No! Martin: No? Bart: Only geeks sit in the front seat. From now on, you sit in the back row. And that's <not> just on the bus, it goes for school and church, too. Martin: Why? Bart [mezzo voce] So no one can see what you're doing! Martin: Ooooh.. I think I understand... [grabs pencil, starts writing] the potential for mischief varies inversely with one's proximity to the authority figure! [Shows his equation to Bart: 1 M O( ---------] P A Bart: Well, yeah, but don't say it like that... -- Bart helps Martin shed his poindexter image, ``Bart Gets an F'' ñ Pretty soon, you'll be able to try it with a <real> book! -- Martin watches Bart with a highlighter pen and a `book', ``Bart Gets an F'' ñ Bart: [praying] Well old timer, I guess this is the end of the road. I know I haven't always been a good kid, but, if I have to go to school tomorrow, I'll fail the test---and be held back. I just need one more day to study, Lord. I need your help! Lisa: [watching] Prayer... the last refuge of a scoundrel. Bart: A teachers strike, a power failure, a blizzard... Anything that'll cancel school tomorrow. I know it's asking a lot, but if anyone can do it, you can! Thanking you in advance, your pal, Bart Simpson. -- ``Bart Gets an F'' ñ Bart: [running towards door with sled; goggles on head] Cowabunga! Marge: Remember to take a break if your arms go numb! Bart: [sees Lisa standing in doorway] Hey! Lisa: I heard you last night, Bart. You prayed for this. Now your prayers have been answered. I'm no theologian; I don't know who or what God is exactly, all I know is he's a force more powerful than Mom and Dad put together, and you owe him big. [shuts the door] Bart: You're right. [removes goggles, hands them to Lisa] I asked for a miracle, and I got it. I gotta study, man! [goes upstairs to his room] I'm not missing anything... frozen earlobes, trudging up that stupid sledhill over and over again... How good could it be? [looks out window...] -- ``Bart Gets an F'' ñ You wanna be held back a grade? Concentrate, man! -- Bart, slapping himself, trying to study, ``Bart Gets an F'' ñ I got a D-! I passed! I got a D-! I passed! I got a D-! I passed! I passed! I . . . kissed a teacher! Yuck! Ptuu! Ick! -- Bart rejoices when he passes his test, ``Bart Gets an F'' ñ Homer: We're proud of you, boy! Bart: Thanks dad. But part of this D minus belongs to God... -- Posting Bart's test on the refrigerator, ``Bart Gets an F'' ñ Marge: Wow, you speak English! Alien: No, we are speaking Rigelian, but by some remarkable coincidence, they are exactly the same. -- The Simpsons are abducted by aliens, ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror'' ñ Alien: We get over a million channels. Bart: Do you have HBO? Alien: No, that costs extra. -- Showing the UFO's entertainment center, ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror'' ñ Alien: Everyone who has mastered intergalactic space travel raise your hand. Ok, then. Marge: I'm sorry. I'm sure your game is very nice. -- After the Simpsons chuckle at the `Pong' video game on the UFO, ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror'' ñ Nobody, but NOBODY eats the Simpsons! -- Homer, ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror'' ñ Narrator: Quoth the Raven, Bart: Eat my shorts. Lisa: Bart! -- Edgar Allen Poe's classic, with a twist, ``The Raven'' in `Treehouse of Terror'' ñ Homer: There's only one thing worse than being a loser. It's being one of those guys who sits in a bar telling a story of how he became a loser, and I never want that to happen to me. Barney: Please, Homer? Moe: Yeah, come on, Homer. Homer: Well, okay. -- Homer becomes one of those guys who sits in a bar telling a story of how he became a loser, ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ [police sirens wail in the distance] Heh, I think we lost 'em. Hey, and we're at the ballpark! Awright! Two birds with one stone! -- Otto drives the bus to the ballpark, ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ Homer: You know, boy, some of the players you see tonight may make it to the big leagues someday. Bart: What? Aren't we going to see any washed-up major-leaguers? Homer: Sure! We get a nice mix here. -- At the ballpark to watch the local minor league team, ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ Marge: Last year you got a little rambunction and mooned the poor umpire. Homer: Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat, it also gives me the right, no, the duty! to make a complete ass of myself. Marge: Mph. -- At the ballpark to watch the local minor league team, ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ Burns: Ah, the Gammels. Good to see you. Mr.G.: You're an inspiration to all of us in waste management, sir. Burns: Well, take your mind off contaminants for one night and have a hot dog! [laughs] -- At Nuclear Plant Employees, Spouses, and No More Than Three Children Night ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ Burns: Ah, well, if it isn't the Simps! Homer: Uh, it's Simp-son, sir. Burns: Eh? [refers to the index card] Oh, yes. Homer and Marge Simpson. Oh, and these must be Bart, Lisa, and uh, `expecting'. -- At Nuclear Plant Employees, Spouses, and No More Than Three Children Night ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ Marge: Here you go, Bart. Bart: [reads the inscription] Springfield Kozy Kourt Motel, Room 26, How about it? -- Flash. Homer: Wow! Flash Baylor came onto my wife! You've still got the magic, Marge. -- Marge gets a baseball autographed, ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, throwing out tonight's first ball, the man whose name is synonymous with our nation's safest and cleanest energy source, Mr. Montgomery Burns! [isolated smatterings of applause] Smithers: Oh, they love you, sir. -- At the ballpark, ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ Ah, sitting with the employees. I guess this proves I'm their friend. Tsk, get me something on an aisle, Smithers, I don't want to be <surrounded> by them... -- Monty Burns joins his employees at the ball game, ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ Wait a minute, we're not having a drug test tomorrow, are we? -- Homer suspects a trap when Burns buys him a beer at the ball game, ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ Big Bill McCloskey coming up. As soon as he pops out, we'll go right to the post-game show. -- Dan Horde calls the game between the 'Topes and Shelbyville, ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ And I got up in front of them. I felt an intoxication that had nothing to do with alcohol. It was the intoxication of being a public spectacle! -- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ Our lives have taken an odd turn. -- Lisa comments on Homer's goofy costume as... ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ Homer: Don't fill up on those vegetables, kids. Save room for your nachos! Lisa+Bart: All right! Marge: [disapprovingly] Mmm. -- Homer takes the kids to the ballpark dressed as... ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ For the first time in my life, people weren't laughing at me, they were laughing <towards> me! -- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ A Simpson on a T-shirt. I never thought I'd see the day... -- Marge reacts disapprovingly to Homer's likeness on a T-shirt, ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ S! P! R! I! N! G! F! E! E! L! D!! Springfield!!!!! -- Homer spells out the town name while dressed as... ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ Tex: Why don't you talk it over with your family? Homer: Because they might say no. -- Homer learns he's being promoted to work for the Capital City team, ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ This was the biggest decision the Simpsons ever faced. I should've listened to the kids instead of my big, dumb wife. Oh, I shouldn't have called her that. Bite my tongue. Bite my tongue. Mmph. Ow! -- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ Lisa: I can't leave Springfield! I was born here and I thought I would die here! Homer: It won't be so bad. You'll die someplace else. -- On moving to Capital City, ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ We're simple people with simple values. Capital City is too big and too complex. Everyone in Springfield knows us and has forgiven us. -- Lisa lists some reasons not to move to Capital City, ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ Whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger! -- Lisa gives in and agrees to move to Capital City, ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ Sure, what would you like? Four years? Five years. -- Homer's supervisor grants him a leave of absence, ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ Lisa: I can't help but fell that if we had gotten to know each other better, my leaving would actually have meant something. Friends: Yeah. -- Lisa bids farewell to her classmates, ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ Kids, look! Street crime! -- Homer drives the family through Capital City, ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ Bart was strangely quiet. Later, he explained he was confused by feelings of respect for me. It wouldn't last. -- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ Goof: What exactly do you have planned for us? Homer: Well, I get up and dance, and I spell out the name of the city, all to the tune of `Baby Elephant Walk'. Goof: Ah, Mancini. The mascot's best friend. -- Homer and the Capital City Goofball plan their strategy, ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ Well, hello again, everybody. Dave Glass talking at ya. We've got great weather here tonight, under the dome... -- Calling the baseball game, ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ Homer: [narrating] I was too tense to enjoy the game. Every ounce of concentration I possessed was focused on the task at hand. Vendor: Red hots! Getcher red hots here! Homer: Ooh, red hots! -- ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ Oh, what a family. My wife and kids stood by me. On the way home, I realized how little that helped... -- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer'' ñ Live, from the Springfield Center for the Performing Arts, the wrestling match of the century! -- Announcer, ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ Announcer: Rasputin, the friendly Russian! Millhouse: Didn't he use to be the Mad Russian? Lisa: Yes, but I'm afraid the forces of history have changed wrestling, perhaps forever. -- ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ [in the Simpsons' living room, watching a wrestling match] Bart: If you ask me, this is going to be one helluva match. Lisa: Oh, Bart, I hope you're not taking this seriously. Even a 5-year-old knows that this is as choreographed as any ballet! [in Moe's tavern] Homer: Eh, Rasputin's got the reach, but on the other hand, the Professor's got his patented coma lock. If you ask me, this is going to be one helluva match. -- Great minds think alike, ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ Rasputin is spinning the professor like an autogyro. That's <got> to be disorienting... -- Announcer for wrestling match, ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ If you miss this, you'd better be dead... or in jail... And if you're in jail, break out! -- Announcer for ``Truck-a-Saurus'', ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ Homer: I have an announcement to make. As a family growth thing, Bart and I think we should all go to the monster truck rally this Saturday. Lisa: Aren't you forgetting something? Homer: Uh... Monster truck rally... Growth thing. No, I don't think so. -- at the dinner table, ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ I'll be playing my first solo! If you miss it on Saturday, I'd advise you to start looking for a child therapist on Sunday. -- Lisa, ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ Oh cruel Fate! Why do you mock me? -- Homer, ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ Skinner: Tonight, Sherberts, oops, heh heh, Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Homer: Oh good, unfinished. This shouldn't take long. Marge: Mmmmm. -- music recital, ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ Flanders: [weeping at his son's solo] My son! My son! Homer: Come on Flanders, he's not <that> bad. -- music recital, ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ I reached him! -- Lisa, on Homer humming the 1812 Overture while driving recklessly, ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ Let the destruction begin! -- Homer, at the Monster Truck Rally, ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ The world's greatest daredevil, the man who's no stranger to danger, if he's not in action, he's in traction... Captain Lance Murdoch! -- Announcer at Monster Truck Rally, ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ Ladies and gentlemen, and especially little children. I'm glad you're all here to witness what may very well be my grisly death. Tonight, my most dangerous stunt. I will death-defy both nature and gravity by leaping over this tank of water, filled with raging great white sharks, deadly electric eels, ravenous piranha, bone-crushing alligators, and perhaps most frightening of all, the king of the jungle, one ferocious lion! [a lion is added to the pool] Heh heh heh. I almost forgot. To add a real element of danger, one drop of human blood. [pricks his finger, one drop of blood falls in, the pool bubbles furiously] And in case I don't survive, let me just say, seat belts save lives, so buckle up! -- Captain Lance Murdoch, at the Monster Truck Rally, ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ Ladies and gentlemen, the ten-year old who's brave and bold, when he's not in class, he's risking his ass, the world's greatest daredevil, Bart Simpson! -- Announcer in Bart's dream, ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ Bart: Dad, I want to be a daredevil. Homer: Heh heh heh. Kids say such stupid things. -- ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ Lewis: Oh no, he's hurt. ?: Bad. Millhouse: Let's get out of here! -- kids after Bart hurts himself doing a stunt, ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ Marge: Are you all right? Bart: Better than all right. I got stitches! [lifts the bandage] Homer+Lisa: Ewwwww. -- in the hospital, ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ Bart, in this ward are the children who have been hurt by imitating stunts they saw on television, movies, and the legitimate stage. -- Dr. Hibert, ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ Dr. H: This little boy broke his leg trying to fly like Superman. This boy's brother hit him in the head with a wrench, mimicking a recent TV wrestling match. I won't even subject you to the horrors of our Three Stooges ward. Marge: Gee, I never realized TV was such a dangerous influence. Dr. H: Well, as tragic as all this is, it's a small price to pay for countless hours of top-notch entertainment. Homer: Amen! -- Dr. Hibert shows Bart the injury ward, ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ Hey, this thing's pretty gnarly. I bet you could throw a dead body in there, and no one would eeeeever find it. -- Otto, on Springfield Gorge, ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ Bart: Otto, I'm going to leap over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard. Otto: You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something? Bart: What? Otto: COOOOOOOOL!!!!! -- ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ Otto: [humming into the bus microphone] Bart: Hey, Otto, can I use that microphone? Otto: Sorry, Bart-dude, it's for emergencies only. -- on the bus, ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ Murdoch: Doc, I heard a snap. Dr. Hibert: Hm. I'm afraid the bone is broken. Well, that's all of them! -- in the hospital, ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ Now let me start by saying... Good for you son! It's always good to see young people taking an interest in danger. Now a lot of people are going to be telling you you're crazy, and maybe they're right. But the fact of the matter is: Bones heal. Chicks dig scars. And the United States of America has the best doctor-to-daredevil ratio in the world! -- Captain Lance Murdoch, upon hearing that Bart wants to do a dangerous stunt, ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ I'm sorry Bart. But if you got hurt or died, despite the extra attention I'd receive, I'd miss you. -- Lisa, ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ Homer: He's done it, Marge; there's nothing we can do. He's as good as dead! [bawls] Marge: You're his father, you've got to try and reason with him. Homer: Oh, that never works. He's a goner! -- Bart wants to jump Springfield Gorge on a skateboard, ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ Homer: You were on your way to jump the gorge, weren't you! Bart: Maybe. -- Bart and the 9th commandment? ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ Bart, this isn't one of those phony-baloney promises I don't expect you to keep! -- Homer, having a heart-to-heart with Bart, ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ Why that little liar! I should have... And I was going to play pickle with him. -- Homer, finding Bart's room empty, ``Bart the Daredevil'' (You need three people to play `pickle'.) ñ I tried ordering you, I tried punishing you, and God help me, I even tried reasoning with you. -- Homer, ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ You know boy, I don't think I've ever felt as close to you as I do right... -- Homer, slipping away on a skateboard, ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ You think you've got guts. Try raising my kids. -- Homer to Murdoch, ``Bart the Daredevil'' ñ Lisa: Mmph. [as Bart muffles her with a cushion] Homer: Bart! Stop fighting with your sister! Bart: She took my glue! Lisa: It's not yours, Bart. This is family glue! Homer: Stop it, you two. This is Thanksgiving, so glue friendly or I'll take your glue away and then <no one> will have any glue to glue with. -- ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' ñ Lisa: Dad, this isn't about glue. It's about territoriality. He only wants the glue because I'm using it. Bart: Oh yeah? Prove it. Lisa: [hands him the glue] Here. Bart: Hey man, I don't want your stupid glue. -- ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' ñ Announcer 1: Uh oh, here comes our friend, Bullwinkle J. Moose. Homer: Heh heh heh, Bullwinkle's antler sprung a leak. Announcer 1: Uh oh, looks like ol' Bullwinkle's kinda gotten a taste of his own medicine. Ha ha. Announcer 2: He certainly does, Bill. Announcer 1: Ha ha. Wait, what did... Did what I say make sense? Announcer 2: Well, no, not really Bill. Announcer 1: Boy, now I know how the pilgrims felt. Announcer 2: What are you taling about, Bill? -- Watching the Thanksgiving Day parade, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' ñ It's broken, Mom. ... Mom, it's broken. ... [sings] Mom-it's-brok-en, Mom-it's-brok-en, Mom-it's-brok-en, Mom-it's-brok-en.... * -- Bart `helps out' in the kitchen, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' ñ See Maggie, those silver-and-blue guys are the Dallas Cowboys, Daddy's favorite team. And he wants them to lose by less than five and a half points. Understand? * -- Homer ñ Looks like they'll be feeding him Thanksgiving dinner through a tube. * -- Sportscaster on the quarterback's recent injury, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' ñ Announcer: And now, get set for our fabulous halftime show, featuring the well-groomed go-getters of `Hooray for Everything!' Homer: Oh, I love those kids. They've got such a great attitude! Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, `Hooray for Everything' invites you to join them in a salute to the greatest hemisphere on earth, the Western Hemisphere! The dancingest hemisphere of all! -- Football halftime show, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' ñ Now, before we sit down to our delicious turkey puree, I have some, uh, happy news. The following people have relatives who wished they could be here today... -- At the rest home, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' ñ I have laryngitis. It hurts to talk. So I'll just say one thing... You never do anything right. -- Mrs. Bouvier, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' ñ Thank you! You're super! Be good to each other! -- `Hoorary for Everything' entertains during the football halftime show, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' ñ In the Silverdome, now ablaze with flashbulbs, as `Hooray for Everything' leaves the field! Of course, a stadium is much too big for flash pictures to work, but nobody seems to care! -- Announcer for the halftime show, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' ñ Holy moley! That's the biggest... one of those things I ever saw! -- Homer appreciates Lisa's Thanksgiving dinner table centerpiece, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' ñ And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream. Anyway, we'd like to thank you for the occasional moments of peace and love our family has experienced. Well, not today, but... You saw what happened! Oh, Lord, be honest! Are we the most pathetic family in the universe or what! -- Homer says grace at Thanksgiving dinner, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' ñ `I saw the best meals of my generation destroyed by the madness of my brother, my soul carved in slices by spiky-haired demons.' -- Lisa angrily writes a poem, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' ñ Cool! The wrong side of the tracks! -- Bart crosses the railroad tracks, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' ñ Twelve bucks! Hey, I can bleed! -- Bart observes he can make $12 by giving blood, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' ñ Nurse: Hey, you've gotta be eighteen to sell your blood. Let's see some ID. Bart: Here ya go, doll-face. Nurse: Okay, Homer, just relax. Bart: Ow! -- Bart gives blood to make some money, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' ñ At the risk of losing my voice, let me just say one more thing: I'm sorry I came. -- Mrs. Bouvier makes a rare comment, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' ñ Grampa: Homer was never stubborn. He always folded instantly over anything. It was as if he had no will of his own. Isn't that true, Homer? Homer: [sycophantically] Yes, Dad. -- ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' ñ Twelve bucks and a free cookie! What a country! [passes out] -- Bart gives blood, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' ñ All right! Twelve big ones and free grub to boot. Viva Skid Row! -- Bart learns about life on the wrong side of the tracks, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' ñ Kent: Oh, we have lots of names for these people. Bums, deadbeats, losers, scums of the earth. We'd like to sweep these people into the gutter, or if they're already in the gutter, to some other out-of-the-way place. Oh, we have our reasons. They're depressing, they wear ragged clothes, they're [makes quotation sign with fingers] ``crazy'', they smell bad. Guy: Hey, listen, man. Kent: [whispers] Wait, I'm going somewhere with this. -- Kent Brockman's Emmy-winning news report from a soup kitchen, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' ñ Marge: Everyone, Lisa wants to read us a poem she's written. Grampa: Sounds interesting. Homer: Oh, okay. Lisa: Ahem. `Howl of the Unappreciated'. By Lisa Simpson. Ahem. `I saw the best meals...' [Bart appears on television] Grampa: Gasp. It's Bart! -- Bart manages to upstage Lisa from miles away, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' ñ Kent: And how long have you been on the streets? Bart: Going on five years, Kent. Kent: Ah. Son, your family might be watching. Is there anything you'd like to say to them? Bart: Yes there is, Kent. Ha ha! I didn't apologize! -- Bart is interviewed for a television documentary, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' ñ Operator, give me the number for nine-one-one! -- Homer, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' ñ If I'm not back at the home by nine they declare me legally dead and collect my insurance! -- Grampa rushes back to the rest home, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' ñ Marge: Homer, this is a terrible thing that's happened, but we can't blame ourselves. Homer: We can and will! Marge: Children need discipline. You can ask any syndicated advice columnist. -- Worrying about Bart, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' ñ Marge: Now we can blame him for everything! Homer: It's your fault I'm bald! Bart: [meekly] I'm sorry. Grampa: It's your fault I'm old! Bart: I'm sorry! Maggie: It's your fault I can't talk! Bart: I'm sorry! Uncle Sam: It's your fault America has lost its way! Bart: I'm sorry! All: It's all your fault! It's all your fault! It's all your fault! -- Bart's dream, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' ñ