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Text File | 1992-02-18 | 23.4 KB | 657 lines

ñ Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. ñ Don't change the reason, just change the excuses! -- Joe Cointment ñ "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, sincerely, extremely dangerously. They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him. -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" ñ Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! ñ Don't feed the bats tonight. ñ Don't get even -- get odd! ñ Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly misleading. Debug only code. -- Dave Storer ñ "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." -- Mark Twain ñ Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. ñ Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. ñ Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier. ñ Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. ñ Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. ñ Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. ñ Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone. ñ Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. ñ Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow. ñ "Don't say yes until I finish talking." -- Darryl F. Zanuck ñ Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat. -- Ambrose Bierce ñ Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in! -- "Brazil" ñ Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out if it alive. ñ Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. ñ "Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to get more wax!!" ñ Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. -- The Old Farmer's Almanac ñ "Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats." -- Howard Aiken ñ Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. -- Charles Schultz ñ Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. ñ Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? ñ Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she pretty? W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. W. C.: It's almost impossible. -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" ñ Double Bucky (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie") Double bucky, you're the one! You make my keyboard lots of fun Double bucky, an additional bit or two: (Vo-vo-de-o!) Control and Meta side by side, Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide! Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! Double bucky, left and right OR'd together, outta sight! Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr. ñ Double-Blind Experiment, n.: An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a belief in the tooth fairy. ñ Down with categorical imperative! ñ "Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing." ñ Drew's Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes. ñ Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *is* fun trying. ñ Drive defensively. Buy a tank. ñ Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! ñ Ducharme's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem. ñ Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. ñ Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together ... -- Carl Zwanzig ñ Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has been discontinued. ñ Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate and captain of your soul. ñ During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost hit my wife." "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot at mine, over there." ñ During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_ ~{o[po ~y oods ñ "Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it." -- W. Somerset Maugham ñ E Pluribus Unix ñ Eagleson's Law: Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is an optimist, the real number is more like 3 weeks.) ñ Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends ñ /earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. ñ "Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun." -- Jeff Berner ñ Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved. -- Steve Rubenstein ñ Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. ñ "Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work." ñ Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. -- John Kenneth Galbraith ñ Economics, n.: Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. Galbraith ... -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" ñ Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't. -- Robert Orben ñ Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. -- Edgar R. Fiedler ñ Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. -- Fred Allen ñ Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. -- Irsin Edman ñ Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. -- Adlai Stevenson ñ Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where the "nog" comes from. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in season, eggs... ñ Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain of being a damned fool. -- Bellamy Brooks ñ Egotist, n.: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ñ Ehrman's Commentary: (1) Things will get worse before they get better. (2) Who said things would get better? ñ Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star ñ Eleanor Rigby Sits at the keyboard And waits for a line on the screen Lives in a dream Waits for a signal Finding some code That will make the machine do some more. What is it for? All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? ñ Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. ñ Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, although God alone knows why it would want to. The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents harmful electron buildup in the wires. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" ñ Electrocution, n.: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. ñ Elevators smell different to midgets ñ Emersons' Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. ñ Encyclopedia Salesmen: Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police and tell them your house is being burgled. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" ñ Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary ñ Entropy isn't what it used to be. ñ Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. -- Jerome Lettvin ñ Epperson's law: When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at. ñ Equal bytes for women. ñ Error in operator: add beer ñ Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; Und aller-mumsige Burggoven Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben. -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" ñ Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. -- Woody Allen ñ Etymology, n.: Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." -- Mike Kellen ñ Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to? -- Clarence Darrow ñ "Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral." -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" ñ Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only 2 cents a day. ñ Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are. ñ Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men." All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please take her right now. No How about: Would you like to take something? My wife is available. No. How about ..." -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" ñ Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her. ñ Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. ñ Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. ñ Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is humanity hanging on a cross of iron. -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 ñ Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same color"], that does not exist. ñ Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. -- Frank Moore Colby ñ Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. ñ Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. -- Don Vonada ñ "Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95." ñ Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. -- Miguel de Cervantes ñ Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis. It makes sense, when you don't think about it. ñ Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. ñ Every program has two purposes -- written and another for which it wasn't. ñ Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. ñ Every solution breeds new problems. ñ Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success. ñ "Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it." ñ Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. -- Beckett ñ Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. -- Dykstra ñ Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. ñ Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers. ñ Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to realize it. ñ Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact wholly unconcerned with what does exist. Indeed, the banality of existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely different way ... -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" ñ Everyone talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it. ñ Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs. ñ Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being that a belch is more satisfying. -- Ingmar Bergman ñ Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. ñ Everything you know is wrong! ñ Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no straight lines. -- R. Buckminster Fuller ñ Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" ñ Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler. ñ Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator. ñ Excellent day to have a rotten day. ñ Excellent time to become a missing person. ñ Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. -- W. Somerset Maugham ñ Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility. ñ Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work. -- John G. Pollard ñ Expect the worst, it's the least you can do. ñ Expense Accounts, n.: Corporate food stamps. ñ Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. -- Olivier ñ Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones ñ Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward. ñ Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones. ñ Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. ñ Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. ñ Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules: NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) -- to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card (without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the the Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize. ñ F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! ñ f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. ñ f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. ñ F: When into a room I plunge, I Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI. Then I linger, darkly brooding On the poison they're exuding. -- The Roguelet's ABC ñ Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. ñ Fairy Tale, n.: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. ñ Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move. ñ Faith, n: That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue. ñ Fakir, n: A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished. ñ Familiarity breeds attempt ñ Families, when a child is born Want it to be intelligent. I, through intelligence, Having wrecked my whole life, Only hope the baby will prove Ignorant and stupid. Then he will crown a tranquil life By becoming a Cabinet Minister -- Su Tung-p'o ñ Famous last words: ñ Famous last words: (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it." (2) "You and what army?" (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be a cop." ñ Famous last words: (1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. (2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. (3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- (4) We won't need reservations. (5) It's always sunny there this time of the year. (6) Don't worry, it's not loaded. (7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. ñ Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable. -- Ambrose Bierce ñ Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea ... -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" ñ Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. -- Oscar Wilde ñ Fats Loves Madelyn ñ Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ... ñ Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you. ñ Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike. Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing. You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. ñ Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. ñ Fifth Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do. ñ Fifty flippant frogs Walked by on flippered feet And with their slime they made the time Unnaturally fleet. ñ FIGHTING WORDS Say my love is easy had, Say I'm bitten raw with pride, Say I am too often sad -- Still behold me at your side. Say I'm neither brave nor young, Say I woo and coddle care, Say the devil touched my tongue -- Still you have my heart to wear. But say my verses do not scan, And I get me another man! -- Dorothy Parker ñ Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North Carolina. ñ Finagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. ñ