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1992-08-21
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Eight Fun-Filled Days and Glorious Nights...
or
What the Travel Agent Said (and what she really meant)
Ever get the feeling that your travel agent for your last vacation had
never been to whereever it was she sent you? Here's a short primer for reading
between the lines of his hype.
Travel Agent (or Brochure) English Meaning
-------------------------- ---------------
All the amenities Free shower cap
Stately Needs renovation
Aristocratic Needs major renovation
Gentle breezes Gale-force winds
Picturesque Theme park/Mystery House nearby
Airy No air conditioning
Brisk Freezing
Carefree natives Terrible service
Bustling metropolis Hoards of hostile natives
Open bar Free Ice Cubes
Plush Top AND Bottom Sheets
Spacious Quarters Sparsely furnished rooms
Surprizing Bargains Save on Coconut Bird Feeders
Convenient Bring Bus Fare
Motorcoach Bus
Deluxe Motorcoach Clean Windows on Bus
Unique No one else would do it like this
(they wouldn't dare)
Quaint Run-down
Warmed by the Gulf Stream Cold
Cooled by the Humboldt Current Hot
Off the Beaten Path People have stopped coming here
Remote People NEVER came here
Standard Substandard
Deluxe Standard
Superior Free Soap
Undiscovered Not worth discovering
Authentic Native Dishes Inedible but Cheap
Playground of the Stars Mel Torme once stayed here
If you like being pampered You CAN get waited upon
Exquisite Cuisine Limited Menu
Choice of Menu Chicken
Tree-lined Boulevards No sight-seeing
Old-World Charm No Bath
Carriage Trade No Kids or Pets
Sun-drenched Arid Desert Wasteland
Tropical Monsoons year-round
Majestic Setting A long way from town
Panoramic Vista A VERY long way from town
Options Galore Nothing is included in your itinerary
Secluded Hideaway Impossible to find
...too numerous to mention I've never been near the place
Preregistered rooms Already occupied
Leisurely transfer Boring bus ride
Explore on your own Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable Tour Hosts They's flown before
Nominal Charge Extortion
"Thieves" Market Thieves
Dare to be DIFFERENT!!! Dare to be STUPID!!!
(Wierd Al)
Mystery Tour Regular Tour Cancelled
No extra fees No Extras
Steeped in History Old and Retarded
Tipping is considered an insult The natives LOVE to be insulted
... and Much, Much More!!! Thats's about ALL there is