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M E M O R A N D U M DEPARTMENT OF THE TREASURYINTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE TO: All male employees: FROM: Internal Revenue Service RE: Notice of tax increase. To date, the only thing the IRS has not taxed is your "Ding Dong". This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off, and 10% of the time it is in a hole. On top of this, it has two dependents and they are both nuts. However, effective for tax years beginning on or after January 1, 1988, your "Ding Dong" will be taxed according to it's size. Your category must be indicated on page 2, section 7, line 3 of your Form 1040. Failure to comply with this new tax will result in a severe case of V.D. 10-12 inches Luxury Tax $50.00 8-10 inches Pole Tax $40.00 6-8 inches Privilege Tax $30.00 4-6 inches Nuisance Tax $ 5.00 NOTE: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. Males over 12 inches must pay a capital gains tax. Please do not request an extension. Very truly yours, T. Pecker Checker Internal Revenue Service Washington, D.C. SNIGLETS: `110 AT THE EQUATOR (won' ten at the ek way' tawr) n. Any burning sensation experienced directly below the navel when putting on a pair of jeans straight from the dryer. AETS (ehtz) n. Greek symbols on water fountain handles. AGONOSIS (ag uh no' sis) n. The syndrome of tuning into "Wide World of Sports" every Saturday just to watch the skier rack himself. AIRDIRT (ayr' dirt) n. A hanging plant that's been ignored for three weeks or more. ALPOPUCK (al' po puck) n. Any empty dish pushed around the kitchen floor by a dog trying to get the last morsel. ANCHORITY (an chor' ih tee) n. A group's final, hard-fought decision on what toppings to order on a pizza. ARG (AUDIO RETINAL GYRATION) (ay ahr gee) v. To move the head in a circular fashion while attempting to read a rotating record label. B+ STAMPEDE (bee' plus stam peed) n. The attempt by half the classroom to claim the paper with no name on it. BACKSPACKLE (bak' spak uhl) n. Markings on the back of one's shirt from riding a fenderless bicycle. BACKSPUBBLE (bak' suph bul) n. Dishwater that disappears down one drain of a double sink and comes up the other. BALDAGE (bald' aj) n. The accumulation of hair in the drain after showering. BANECTOMY (bah nek' to mee) n. The removal of bruises on a banana. BARGUS (bar' jus) n. The area on the windshield that the wipers can't reach. BAZOOKACIDAL TENDENCIES (bah zew' kuh sy dal ten' den seez) n. The overwhelming desire of most individuals to reach out and pop the gigantic gum bubble billowing from someone's mouth. BEAVO (bee' vo) n. A pencil with teeth marks all over it. BIMP (bimp) n. A blurry or "double-edged" felt-tip marker. BIXPLEX (biks' pleks) n. Psychological block in which a person cannot choose which colour of disposable lighter to purchase. BIZOOS (bih zews') n. The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a basketball. BLINDELIZE (blin' dul eyes) v. To scratch an album beyond recognition trying to maneuver it over the record spindle. BLITHWAPPING (blith' wap ing) v. Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc. BLIVETT (blih' vit) v. To run one's pillow over and over, looking for the cool spot. BLOOAGE (blew' ij) n. The residue left on fingers after using an S.O.S. pad. BLOTCH (blahch) v. To slap the bottom a a catsup bottle with increasing intensity, ultimately resulting in BLOTCHSLIDE. BLURFLE (bler' ful) v. To be caught talking at the top of one's lungs when the music at the bar or disco suddenly stops. BOBBLOGESTURE (bah blo jes' cher) n. The classroom activity of not knowing an answer but raising one's hand anyway (after determining a sufficient number of other people have also raised their hands, thus reducing the likelihood of actually being called on). BOMCA (bahm' ka) n. A lubricant derived from the salivary gland used for turning book pages. Dingleberries: (Ding 'el Berys) n. The little balls of poop that hang on your anal hair. BOMCA (bahm' ka) n. A lubricant derived from the salivary gland used for turni book pages. BOSLUM (bahz' lum) n. The small metal ring on a ballpoint pen that separates the top half (MELANEXUS) from the bottom half (MOOSTERUS). BOVILEXIA (bo vil eks' e uh) n. The uncontrollable urge to lean out of the car window and yell "Moo!!" every time you pass a cow. BOWLIKINETICS (boh lih kih neh' tiks) n. The act of trying to control a released bowling ball by twisting one's body in the direction one wants it to go. BRATTLED (brat' uld) adj. The unsettling feeling, at a stoplight, that the busload of kids that just pulled up beside you is making fun of you. BRAZEL (brah' zel) n. The scratch plate on a matchbook BRIMPLET (brim' plit) n. A frayed shoelace that must be moistened to pass through a shoe eyelet. BUBBLIC (buh' blik) adj. Addicted to the systematic popping of the bubbles in packing material. BUCKLINT (buck' lint) n. The fine red and blue threads running through new dollar bills. BUCULETS (buk' u lets) n. The bumper guards on the underside of a toilet seats. BUGPEDAL (bug' ped uhl) v. To accelerate or decelerate rapidly in an attempt to remove a clinging insect from a cars windshield. BUMPERGLINTS (bump' ur glintz) n. The small reflective obstacles in the middle of interstate highways which supposedly keep drivers awake and on the track. BURBULATION (ber byu lay' shun) n. The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in an attempt to catch it before the little automatic light comes on. BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals. BUSBLENDER (bus' blen dur) n. The device at the front of the bus that tosses your fare around for awhile, then swallows it. BUTTHENGE (but' henj) n. A pile of cigarette butts occupying a parking lot space. BUTTNICK (but' nik) n. The crevice on an ashtray where the cigarette rests. BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected. CABNICREEP (kab' nih kreep) n. The structural condition in which the closing of one kitchen cabinet causes another to open. CAFFIDGET (ka fij' it) v. To break up a Styrofoam coffee cup into several hundred pieces after consuming its contents. CALTITUDE (kal' tih tood) n. The height to which a cat's rear end can rise to meet the hand stroking it. CAREENA (ka reen' uh) n. Any mangled or missing piece of highway guard rail. CARPERIMETER (kar pur ihm' ih tur) n. The zone between the wall and the end of the vacuum cleaner where dirt is "safe". CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. CATLAPSE (kat' laps) n. The amount of time a cat sleeping on his owner's lap has to awake and prepare to hit the floor before the owner stands up. CELLOSTATIC (sel oh stat' ik) adj. The electrical property of cracker and cigarette wrappers that causes them to stick to your hand. CEREOALLOCATIVE (ser e o al' o ka tuv) adj. Describes the ability of a seasoned breakfast eater to establish a perfect cereal/banana ratio, assuring there will be at least one slice of banana left for the final spoonful of cereal. CHAIN GANG WALK (chayn gang wok) n. Activity observed in the footwear section of cheap department stores where the shoes are wired together "for your convenience". CHALKTRAUMA (chawk' traw ma) n. The body's reaction to someone running his fingernails down a chalkboard. CHARP (charp) n. The green, mutant patato chip found in every bag. CHECKUARY (chek' yew air ee) n. The 13th month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks. CHEEDLE (chee' dul) n. The residue left on one's fingertips after consuming a bag of Cheetos. CHEERIOMAGNETIZATION (cheer ee oh mag net i zay' shun) the tendency of the last four or five Cheerios in the bowl to cling together for survival. CHICLEXODUS (chik ul eks' oh dus) n. Any attempt by a gum ball to sneak out of the chute and roll past the buyer. CHIPFAULT (chip' fawlt) n. The stress point on a potato chip where it breaks off and stays behind in the dip. CHOCONIVEROUS (chahk o niv' ur us) adj. The tendency when eating a chocolate Easter bunny to bite off the head first. CHUBBLE (chub' bul) n. The aerobic movement combining deep-knee bends and sideward hops used when trying to fit into panty hose. CIRCUMPOPULATE (sur kum pop' yew layt) v. To finish off a popsicle "laterally" because the "frontal" approach causes one to gag. COMBILOOPS (kom' bih lewps) n. The two or three unsuccessful passes before finally opening a combination locker. CORNICLE (kor' nih kul) n. Breaded "washer" left on the stick after eating a corndog. COUNTERSAURUS (kown tur sawr' us) n. Any person who orders two pieces of cheesecake and a Tab. CRAYOLLIA (kray oh' lee uh) n. The area on the refrigerator where kindergarten drawing are displayed. CRINKS (krinks) n. Crevices and junctions where car wax gets in but doesn't get out. CRUMBPLUMB (krum' plum) v. To attack a cereal box in an attempt to retrieve the prize. CUBELO (kyew' beh lo) n. The one cube left by the person too lazy to refill the ice tray. To help telecom-sters clarify just how humorous their postings are intended to be, here is a collection of the many faces of humor, emoticon-style. emoticon: n. a figure created with the symbols on a keyboard that is read with the head tilted to the left. Used to convey the spirit in which a line of text was typed. Tilt your head slightly to the left to read the following emoticons. :-) Humor :-) )-: Masking theatrical comments :<) For those with hairy lips :<)= For those with beards too :/) Not funny '-) Wink P-) Pirate ;-) Sardonic incredulity (@ @) You're kidding! :-" Pursing lips :-v Just another face (speaking) profiled from the side :-V Shout :-w Speak with forked tongue :-W Shout with forked tongue :-r Bleahhh (sticking tongue out) :-f or :-p or :-1 or :-, smirks <:-O Eeek! :-* Oooops (covering mouth with hand) :-T keeping a straight face (tight-lipped) :-D said with a smile :-P or :-y or :-O More versions of shouting :-{ Count Dracula =|:-)= Uncle Sam 7:) Reagan :-# Censored :~i Smoking :~j (and smiling) :/i No smoking :-I It's something, but I don't know what.... :-x Kiss kiss :-> Alternate happy face :-( Unhappy :-c Real unhappy :-C Unbelieving (jaw dropped) :-< Forlorn :-B Drooling (or overbite) :-| Disgusted :-? Licking your lips <:>== A turkey emoticon :-) :-) :-) Loud guffaw :-J Tongue-in-cheek comments :*) Clowning around :-8 Talking out both sides of your mouth (:-) Msgs dealing with bicycle helmets @= Warning about nuclear war <:-) For dumb questions o= A burning candle for flames -= A doused candle to end a flame OO Headlights on msg :_) I used to be a boxer, but it really got my nose out of join B-) Smiling and wearing glasses or sunglasses (or a message from Batman) 8-) Same as previous; also used to denote wide-eyed look #:-):-) done by someone with sort of matted hair :-o "Oh, nooooooo!" (a la Mr. Bill) #:-o Same as previous |-( Late night messages :^) Messages teasing people about their noses :-{#} Messages teasing people about their braces (:-$ Message indicating person is ill... (:-& Message indicating person is angry... (:-( Message indicating person is VERY sad... (:^( Message concerning people with broken noses (:<) Message concerning blabber mouths :-(=) Message about people with big teeth &:-) Message from a person with curly hair @:-) Message from a person with wavy hair ?-( Message about people with a black eye *:* Message about fuzzy things *:** Message about fuzzy things with fuzzy mustaches %-) Message about people with broken glasses +<:-| Message from a monk/nun... {0-) Message from cyclops... (:-|K- Formal message. ...---... S.O.S. @%&$%& You know what that means... ||*( Handshake offered ||*) Handshake accepted <&&> Message concerning rubber chickens >< >< Message about/to someone wearing argyle socks 2B|^2B Message about Shakespeare (-_-) Secret smile <{:-)} Message in a bottle... <:-)<<| Message from a space rocket... (:-... Heart-breaking message... <<<<(:-) Message from a hat sales-man... LIFE IN THE SLAW LANE by Kip Adotta It was Cucumber the First; Summer was over. I had just spinached a long day and I was busheled. I'm the kinda guy that works hard for his celery, And I don't mind tellin' you I was feeling a bit wilted. But I didn't carrot all, 'cuz otherwise things were vine. I try never to despairagus, and I don't sweat the truffles. I'm outstanding in my field, and I know that something good will turnip, eventually. A bunch of things were going grape, and soon I'd be top banana. At least that's my peeling. But that's enough corn; lend me your ear, And lettuce continue. After dressing, I stalked over to the grain station. I got there just in lime to catch the nine-e-lemon As it plowed towards the core of Appleton, A lentil more than a melon-and-a-half yeast of Cloveland. CHORUS: Life in the Slaw Lane... They say plants can feel no pain. Life in the Slaw Lane... I've got news for you, They're just as frail as you. No one got off at Zucchini so we continued on our route-a-baga. Passing my usual stop, I got off a'Cado. I hailed a passing yellow Cabbage And told the driver to cart me off to Broccolin. I was going to meet my brother across from the eggplant, Where he had a job at the Saffron station, pumpkin gas. As soon as I saw his face I knew he was in a yam. He told me his wife had been raisin cain. Her name was Peaches, a soiled but radishing beauty with huge gourds. My brother'd always been a chestnut, But I could never figure out why she picked him. He was a skinny little stringbean Who'd always suffered from Cerebral Parsley; it was in our roots. Sure, we had tried to weed it out, but the problem still romained. He was used to having a tough row to hoe, But it irrigated me to see Artie choke. And it bothered my brother to see his marriage go to seed. (CHORUS) Like most mapled couples they had a lot of growing to do. Sure, they'd sown their wild oats - but just barley, if you peas. Finally Peaches had given him an ul-tomato. She said, "I'm hip to your chive, and if you don't smoking that herb, I'm gonna leaf ya, for Basil, ya fruit!" He said he didn't realize it had kumquat so far. Onion other hand, even though Peaches could be the pits, I knew she'd never call the fuzz. (CHORUS) So I said, "Hay... we're not farm from the Mush Room -- let's walk over." He said, "that's a very rice place. That's the same little bar where alfalfa my wife." When we got thre I pulled up a cherry and tried to produce smalltalk. I told him I hadn't seen Olive, Not since I'd shelled off for a trip to Macadamia, When I told her we can't-elope, the time just wasn't ripe. She knew what I mint. When we left the Mush Room we were pretty well juiced. I told Artie to say hello to the boysenberry, And that I'd orange to see him another time. Well, it all came out in the morning peppers. Artie caught Peaches that night with Basil, And Artie beat Basil bad, leavin' him with two beautiful acres. Peaches? She was found in the garden. She'd been... Pruned. (CHORUS) Well, my little story is okra now. Maybe it's small potatoes; me, Idaho. My name? Wheat. My friends call me Kernel. And that's life, in the slaw lane. Thank you, so mulch. (It's a garden out there!) Programmers Anthem Threes, Rev 1.1 By Elms and L. Fish Deep in Engineering down where mortals seldom go, A manager and customer come looking for a show, They pass amused among us and they sign in on the log, They've ciome to see our pony, and they've come to see our dog. Three things you should be wary of: a new kid in his prime, a man with all the answers and code that runs first time Summoned from our cubicles to conference rooms we go. We bring our dog and pony cause we know they want a show. Watching as we enter with a shifty routine eye, The customer sits waiting in his pinstripe suit and tie. Three things never trust in thats; a vendors final bill, the promises your boss makes; and the customers good will. The pony kicks his heels up as the doggy does his trick, and hands are waved with vigor as we lay it on -- real thick. The customer just watches as we do this song and dance, Then reaches for his briefcase scarcely giving us a glance. Three things see no end; a loop with exit code gone wrong, a semaphore untested, and the verses of this song. From briefcase then there comes a list of things we must revise, All before within the room are taken by surprise. And all but four are thinking of their last job with remorse, the customer, the manager, the doggy and the horse. Three things hold no secret: files that somehow hit the net; your bosses secretary and the third thing -- I forget... First thirty-seven changes that somehow we must add in, Then twenty one new features show up much to our chagrin. And this thing's just inadequate, and that one's just plain wrong, and by the way, your schedule is about three month's too long. Three things it is better for that only you should know, how much you're paid, the schedule pad, and what is just for show. The customer proceeds to go through each change line by line, Excruciating detail that no logic can define. When it ends there's only four not sitting there aghaw; The customer, the manager, the pony and the dog Three things never anger first the one who runs your DEC, the one who does your backups, and the one who signs your check. Now we here all are software types who spend ours days and nights, embedded in the system down among the bits ad bytes, and none but us can tell full well the damage done today, it's for what they do not know for which they're gonna have to pay! Three things are most perilous; connectors that corrode, new unproven algorithms, and self-modifying code. The manager and customer are quick to leave our bunch, They take the dog and pony and they all go out for lunch, Now how will we revenge ourselves on those who raise our ire, writing self-destructive code that goes the day the warrenties expire One of my favorites (taken from a book of such stunts owned by a co-worker) occurred, I believe, at Stanford, where a modern art show was going on. An engineering student (with the typical engineer's love of modern art) offered his opinion of the level of creativity at the show by screwing three table legs on a defunct banjo, and leaving it outside the building where the show was taking place. Of course, the next day, someone working at the show found it and assumed that the movers had somehow forgotten it. It was brought in, entitled "The Three Legged Banjo", and if I recall won second place. Which only goes to reinforce the aforementioned opinion... My physics TA (from MIT) told me this one: A student was taking a final exam in a class, stood up, and screamed, "I can't take this any more," and walked over to the window, and jump. Everybody in the room was astonished, but when his fellow classmates looked out the window, his fellow Fraternaty brothers were below and caught him with a net of some sort! I heard this one also. There is a large tall building at MIT - the Earth and Atmospheric Sciences, which is connected to an automatic lighting system. Well, a few electrical engineers "programed" the lighting system and supposedly played a nice game of tetris, with the building as the screen! I know at Caltech, on the 20th anniversary of the HOLLYWOOD sign, a few Caltechers arranged it so that it read CALTECH that morning! "Do you think they offer an Engineering Pschology major to determine what posseses people to major in Engineering?" --Stuck Between an Interest in Science, and a Desire for Sanity (1) Once, a barber found two MIT students wanting to buy his barber poles. They offered a good price for it, so the barber sold it to them. So - these two guys drove around all day in a pickup truck carrying the barber poles. They kept getting stopped by the police, who were sure they had stolen the poles. But each time, the students referred back to the barber they had bought the poles from. So finally, an APB went out all over Boston, saying that if police saw two students driving around with barber poles, they should leave them alone. The next day, every single barber pole in Boston was missing. (2) One Boston establishment had this 20-foot tall plastic cow. One night, MIT students stole the cow and put it atop the Big Dome at MIT. No one knows how they got it up there - it took a crane to get it back down. (3) In 82 during the half-time of the Harvard-Yale game, a weather balloon came up out of the ground, disrupting the parade. It had MIT written on it. The then president of Harvard said he wasn't sure who was responsible for this, but that he suspected undergrads from CalTech. (4) Sometimes the mere threat of a hack was sufficient. One year, the students of one dorm (I think it was New House) were get- ting lousy phone service. They told the phone company that if their service weren't improved they would disrupt phone lines throughout the New England area. They got the desired service. The Method of Inversive Geometry: We place a spherical cage in the desert, enter it, and lock it. We perform an inversion with respect to the cage. The lion is then in the interior of the cage, and we are outside. The Set Theoretic Method: We observe that the desert is a separable space. It therefore contains an enumerable dense set of points, from which can be extracted a sequence having the lion as limit. We then approach the lion stealthily along this sequence, bearing with us suitable equipment. A Topological Method: We observe that a lion has at least the connectivity of the torus. We transport the desert into four-space. It is then possible to carry out such a deformation that the lion can be returned to three-space in a knotted condition. He is then helpless. The Dirac Method: We observe that wild lions are, ipso facto, not observable in the Sahara Desert. Consequently, if there are any lions in the Sahara, they are tame. The capture of a tame lion may be left as an exercise for the reader. The Thermodynamical Method: We construct a semi-permeable membrane, permeable to everything except lions, and sweep it across the desert. The Schrodinger Method: At any given moment there is a positive probability that there is a lion in the cage. Sit down and wait. There once was a breathy baboon Who always breathed down a bassoon, For he said, "It appears That in billions of years I shall certainly hit on a tune." MATHEMATICS PURITY TEST Count the number of yes's, subtract from 60, and divide by 0.6. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Basics 1) Have you ever been excited about math? 2) Had an exciting dream about math? 3) Made a mathematical calculation? 4) Manipulated the numerator of an equation? 5) Manipulated the denominator of an equation? 6) On your first problem set? 7) Worked on a problem set past 3:00 a.m.? 8) Worked on a problem set all night? 9) Had a hard problem? 10) Worked on a problem continuously for more than 30 minutes? 11) Worked on a problem continuously for more than four hours? 12) Done more than one problem set on the same night (i.e. both started and finished them)? 13) Done more than three problem sets on the same night? 14) Taken a math course for a full year? 15) Taken two different math courses at the same time? 16) Done at least one problem set a week for more than four months? 17) Done at least one problem set a night for more than one month (weekends excluded)? 18) Done a problem set alone? 19) Done a problem set in a group of three or more? 20) Done a problem set in a group of 15 or more? 21) Was it mixed company? 22) Have you ever inadvertently walked in upon people doing a problem set? 23) And joined in afterwards? 24) Have you ever used food doing a problem set? 25) Did you eat it all? 26) Have you ever had a domesticated pet or animal walk over you while you were doing a problem set? 27) Done a problem set in a public place where you might be discovered? 28) Been discovered while doing a problem set? Kinky Stuff 29) Have you ever applied your math to a hard science? 30) Applied your math to a soft science? 31) Done an integration by parts? 32) Done two integration by parts in a single problem? 33) Bounded the domain and range of your function? 34) Used the domination test for improper integrals? 35) Done Newton's Method? 36) Done the Method of Frobenius? 37) Used the Sandwich Theorem? 38) Used the Mean Value Theorem? 39) Used a Gaussian surface? 40) Used a foreign object on a math problem (eg: calculator)? 41) Used a program to improve your mathematical technique (eg: MACSYMA)? 42) Not used brackets when you should have? 43) Integrated a function over its full period? 44) Done a calculation in three-dimensional space? 45) Done a calculation in n-dimensional space? 46) Done a change of bases? 47) Done a change of bases specifically in order to magnify your vector? 48) Worked through four complete bases in a single night (eg: using the Graham-Schmidt method)? 49) Inserted a number into an equation? 50) Calculated the residue of a pole? 51) Scored perfectly on a math test? 52) Swallowed everything your professor gave you? 53) Used explicit notation in your problem set? 54) Puposefully omitted important steps in your problem set? 55) Padded your own problem set? 56) Been blown away on a test? 57) Blown away your professor on a test? 58) Have you ever multiplied 23 by 3? 59) Have you ever bounded your Bessel function so that the membrane did not shoot to infinity? 69) Have you ever understood the following quote: "The relationship between Z^0 to C_0, B_0, and H_0 is an example of a general principle which we have encountered: the kernel of the adjoint of a linear transformation is both the annihilator space of the image of the transformation and also the dual space of the quotient of the space of which the image is a subspace by the image subspace." (Shlomo & Bamberg's _A "Course" in Mathematics for Students of Physics_) A tribe of Native Americans generally referred to their woman by the animal hide with which they made their blanket. Thus, one woman might be known as Squaw of Buffalo Hide, while another might be known as Squaw of Deer Hide. This tribe had a particularly large and strong woman, with a very unique (for North America anyway) animal hide for her blanket. This woman was known as Squaw of Hippopotamus hide, and she was as large and powerful as the animal from which her blanket was made. Year after year, this woman entered the tribal wrestling tournament, and easily defeated all challengers; male or female. As the men of the tribe admired her strength and power, this made many of the other woman of the tribe extremely jealous, . One year, two of the squaws petitioned the Chief to allow them to enter their sons together as a wrestling tandem in order to wrestle Squaw of the Hippopotamus hide as a team. In this way, they hoped to see that she would no longer be champion wrestler of the tribe. As the luck of the draw would have it, the two sons who were wrestling as a tandem met the squaw in the final and championship round of the wrestling contest. As the match began, it became clear that the squaw had finally met an opponent that was her equal. The two sons wrestled and struggled vigorously and were clearly on an equal footing with the powerful squaw. Their match lasted for hours without a clear victor. Finally the chief intervened and declared that, in the interests of the health and safety of the wrestlers, the match was to be terminated and that he would declare a winner. The chief retired to his teepee and contemplated the great struggle he had witnessed, and found it extremely difficult to decide a winner. While the two young men had clearly outmatched the squaw, he found it difficult to force the squaw to relinquish her tribal championship. After all, it had taken two young men to finally provide her with a decent match. Finally, after much deliberation, the chief came out from his teepee, and announced his decision. He said... "The Squaw of the Hippopotamus hide is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides" Q. How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. One, who gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing it to the earlier riddle. There are three kinds of mathematicians: those who can count and those who cannot. A guy decided to go to the brain transplant clinic to refreshen his supply of brains. The secretary informed him that they had three kinds of brains available at that time. Doctors' brains were going for $20 per ounce and lawyers' brains were getting $30 per ounce. And then there were mathematicians' brains which were currently fetching $1000 per ounce. "A 1000 dollars an ounce!" he cried. "Why are they so expensive?" --"It takes more mathematicians to get an ounce of brains," she explained. Q: What do a mathematician and a physiscist [or engineer, or musician , or whatever the profession of the person adressed] have in common? A; They are both stupid, with the exception of the mathematician. Here in Champaign a few years back, a man returned the next day to the bank he had robbed, to open an account. The teller recognized him and promptly called the police, delaying the man until they arrived. Take a whizz over this (or just a look): a = 1 b = 2.14159265 c = 3.14159265 a + b = c a - c = -b (a - c)(a - c) = -b(a - c) a^2 - 2ac + c^2 = bc - ab a^2 + ab - ac = ac + bc - c^2 a (a + b - c) = c (a + b - c) a = c Thus 1 = 3.14159265 ..... So two physicists are sitting on a park bench eating lunch. One looks up, sees a dog licking himself beetween the legs and flatly states: "You know -- I sure wish I could do that." The other, without looking up from his lunchbox responds: "Yeah, but you sure better pet him first." ...... When I was working as a special ed bus driver, we often had layover time and would talk about things we did in high school. One driver in particular absolutely took the cake. She said that when she was in high school, they used to hang out in the cemetary (this was a number of years ago, before vandalism became a problem). One night they were all walking around up and as she walked past one of the graves, a hand shot out and grabbed a hold of her ankle. Needless to say, she lost her mind and went screaming back to the car. As it turns out, the group had gone up there earlier in the day and buried one of their friends under about 3 inches of soils on TOP of one of the existing graves...when he heard her voice come close to the head stone, he just grabbed. Needless to say, they were all quite afraid to call her after that. It took her quite some time to cool down.... On the practical joke thread: Some friends of mine once sprayed some engine starter into one of these washroom dryers and put some clear packing tape on the grill under the nozzle. Guy comes along, pushes button, and *fooom!* ---------- Wait until you know they are going to be taking their other half to bed that night - get into their bedroom - and put some icing sugar into the bed. They won't find it until they get hot & start to sweat... I once knew an individual who had been drinking too much Friday night. Saturday morining at around 5a.m. a few of his "friends" woke him up and convinced him it was Friday morning and he had an exam in 10 minutes. Considering he was hopelessly hung-over and half awake, he believed them. So, off to campus he went at 5am Saturday morning convinced he had a test to take. A few hours later he was found asleep at the bottom of a stairwell. No one ever found out what he did during those 2 or 3 hours he was on campus trying to find his "exam". You guys lack finesse. In my college dorm we had one of those irritating type guys who was born with more money than most of us could ever dream of earning, and naturally we resented his Porsche, his boat, and the women who hung all over same. And the guy went out of his way to remind us all about his money, car, and especially the women. Most uf us were 2 and 3 to a dorm room, but he had a room all to himself at the end of hall in the dorm. So........ when he took off for an extended weekend, a bunch of us theatre department freaks went to his door, removed the doorknob, plastered over the entire wall at the end of the hall, nailed up new wood molding, painted the entire hallway a new color and changed all the remaining door numbers. When our "target" returned, his room had simply vanished! I own a computer here on campus and it is in pretty heavy demand from friends who want to type papers. It is a multitasking computer so I was able to do my evil deed easily. I wrote a program that randomly says some sentences and ran it along with my word processor. Every once in a while it would say something, startling or scaring the typing victim, and as most of them were computer illiterate, they had no clue as to what was going on. When confronted, I would shrug my shoulders and ask them if they imagined the whole thing. Needless to say they never discovered what I did and I had a great semester messing with their heads. Things I had my computer say: (In a female voice) Hi! My name is Phoebe. What's yours? Attention I will self destruct in 10 seconds. Please save all your work immediately. Have a nice day. Don't be silly. How can I be talking to you. You made a typo back there. Hey! Guess what? Elvis is alive and is living inside me. Hey! Get off of me. Keep your grubby hands off my keyboard. Warning! You hit the self destruct key. I will self destruct in 15 seconds. Just kidding. Do androids dream of electric sheep? Arn't you done yet? "Hello, this is the telephone company. We have linemen working in your area. They are dealing with extremely high-voltage switching arrangements, and there is the possibility of electrocution danger to either party if you accept a telephone call. Please do not answer your telephone for the next 30 minutes." You call back 10 minutes or so later, and when the person answers, you give your best death-scream: "AUUUGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!! One weekend many years ago, when I was in the Youth Group III in church. Our group (all of us were from 18 to 22 yrs old) invited the groups I & II (14 to 17 yrs old) on a weekend camping trip. Before the trip, we went to the camp site and set up several obstacles for them, one of which was a chain saw. And also someone that the young didn't know was comming. Somewhere around 10 to 11 at night after the trip was on its way, we all went for a walk in the woods. We (group III) led everyone through the woods for about half an hour comming upon a graveyard (it was fake, some foot stones and cow bones). The younger crowd was engulfed in the idea of the graveyard until they heard the chain saw. Our "uninvited" guest came running through with the chain saw. I rember seeing a couple of the young one lifting kudzu and hidding while others ran for thier lives! And to see the look on thier faces when they knew they had been had. ============================================================ GORBIWARE Summer 1991 Catalog Addendum Recent events in the Soviet Union have allowed us to complete beta testing of several products we had under development, and we now feel confident offering them to the public. A. Virus protection - to prevent the spreading of those mysterious debilitating diseases. Also cures those with same diseases. B. Trojan Horse protection - Apply this after the virus protection to track down those administrators, users, and daemons who were acting as carriers of the virus. C. Backup software - restores the processes that were running before that would-be fatal crash. D. Multitasking OS - You thought your resources could support only single-tasking? Just look at our implementation, a better Soviet Union than the Soviet Union! Much less messy to install and run than that of our Yugoslav competition, with better task protection. E. Boris X300 UPS - Even if your CPU temporarily loses power, this unit will take over for it. For use in emergencies only, as it sometimes proves difficult to disable even after the main CPU is back up (this may interfere with the backup software). Also available in Natasha model. Order today! For payment, just send some hard currency -- _any_ hard currency! Who else can make that offer? ============================================================================ When I was in a six person suite of rooms, one of my room mates was a witch, and by coincidence, another room mate had a key to his room. One night the witch room mate returned to find that all six calendars in his room were set to October, and there was a pentagram of pencils on his desk. Since the door was still locked, he explained it by assuming his familiar had taken physical form. This type of thing continued for several months, during which time he would often threaten to sick his familiar on people. Finally, I think he got a little suspicious and called campus security. Unfortunately, when they arrived, he was wearing a full length, hooded black velvet cape with stars on it and carrying a staff, so I don't think they took him seriously when he said someone was rearranging his stuff without unlocking the doors or windows. Here are some examples: You pompous bunch of drivelling garbage. You laughable clump of smelly puke lups. You pitiful bag of bizarre blue whale snot. You repulsive heap of uneducated ear wax. You smelly truck-load of uncultured cigar butts. You dreadful excuse for deeply disturbed barf. You drivelling excuse for laughable shark fleas. You uneducated mountain of irrational shark livers. You dim-witted crate of awful whale parts. You deeply disturbed blob of laughable drain clogs. You drivelling excuse for stinking toe jam. You awful tub of pitiful leopard innards. One day two missionaries, a french one and one from belgium are captured by some indigens in some lost part of africa. The indigen chief turn to them and tell them :you've got the choice, either you die now, either you have to undergo incredible difficults trials." After thinking a while the two missionaries decide that trials are, after all, better than death. So the chief tell them : - "you've got to find each of you one hundred of fruits, from the same species before tonight". The two missionaries aggree and set off the jungle escorted by indigens. The evening happens and both of them had come back with the right number of fruit. The chiefs then say : - "It was only the first part of the trial, now we're going to put one by one each of the fruit up to your ass, and if you ever show a sign on your face we kill you. Then begin the last trial. The french guy decide to go first and is so happy he had chosen to pick strawberries. So the chief begin to push one by one the strawberries up to the french missionary ass. This one resist, resist, and count to give himself courage 56, ... 57, ... 89, ... 90, ...96, and then burst out laughing, and start rolling on the ground, laughing to death. The chief very surprised say : - "why are you laughing ? you almost did it, now we have to kill you" And the french missionary to reply : - "sorry, but i couldn't help, i couldn't forget the missionary from belgium has brought back coconuts !" >WHY is -1 X -1 = +1 ? Well, it all started like this. Long long ago, So long ago, Nobody can say how long ago, there were many numbers. So many numbers that they themselves lost count of how many numbers they were (Part of the problem arose because these numbers were able to multiply and divide with great rapidity). And they all lived on a line, which, for simplicity, we shall refer to as The Number Line. It is left as a trivial exercise to the gentle reader to figure out who lived in The Clothes Line, The Bee Line and The Dead Line. They had politics too. They had the right wing and the left wing parties. The right wing party numbers prefixed their names with a '+'. The left wing party numbers prefixed their names with a '-'. There were also numbers that didn't belong to either of these parties. But they wished to remain anonymous (because, they knew that if their identity matrix was revealed, their days were numbered) and called themselves '0'. Sometimes, some numbers rebelled and formed their own fractions. There were different kinds of numbers. Some numbers were admired quite a lot by other numbers. These were called real numbers, as in, "There goes a REAL number!!". Some numbers were deep thinkers and were called Rational numbers. Numbers, that other numbers couldn't understand, were considered to be Complex numbers. Some numbers were very religious and were frequently meditating. These were called Transcendental numbers. Some numbers that were suspected of practising witchcraft were called Hex numbers. Numbers that were perpetually high on drugs were called Floating Point numbers. Then there were Phone numbers, Card numbers, Apartment numbers, Strength-In numbers (these were the professional body builders),... The list goes on and on. But one thing was common to all - the numbers spoke for themselves. The numbers interacted with each other quite frequently. The product of all these interactions were also numbers. The numbers sometimes squared off with each other. Frequently, when this happened, other numbers used to gather around and root for their favorite number (we know this event as the square root of numbers. But it appears that no number rooted for the left wing numbers when they squared off, which is probably why we do not know of square root of numbers that start with a '-'). When left wing numbers wanted to defect to the right wing, they just squared off with themselves. The numbers gave a lot of importance to sports. They regularly held sports meets, called Math Olympiads, in which a lot of numbers participated. One number from the right wing, was hailed as the all-time greatest sprinter. This number was called +1 (*). Two brothers from the left wing -1 and -1 (*) wanted to prove that either of them were as fast as, if not faster than, +1. { (*) All numbers have been changed to preserve the identity of the real numbers. Naturally! }. So, one -1 decided to run against +1. The other -1 was the official who was in-charge of timing the race. (The astute reader may have already guessed the answer to Mr. Koon-Jan LIM's question). The race was run. The outcome of the race was the expected value - +1 reached the Finish Line (not to be confused with the Finnish Line) atleast 10 seconds ahead of -1 and set a new record. But when the official result was announced, all numbers were completely shocked! For the results said that -1 equalled +1's record!! All right wing numbers demanded an immediate numerical analysis of the race. They all suspected -1, the official who timed the race. The next day, the news papers carried the following news item: "-1 times -1: Equals +1 !!!" The left wing numbers insisted that the timings were correct while the right wing numbers insisted that they were wrong. A war broke out. A lot of number crunching occurred and still occurs quite frequently. The zeros became fighter airplanes. The newspaper item has been handed down through generations mostly by word of mouth and so has lost all the punctuations. So we know it as -1 times -1 equals +1 AND SO, Mr. Koon-Jan LIM, that is WHY -1 X -1 = +1.